Would I Lie to You? (2007–…): Season 7, Episode 6 - Episode #7.6 - full transcript
Good evening,
and welcome to Would I Lie To You,
the show where lies win the prize.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a comedienne recently voted
one of the 100 most powerful
women in Britain. Yes, not only is
she hilarious, she can also toss
a caber and drag a tractor using
just her teeth. It's Sarah Millican.
APPLAUSE
And a comedian who is famous for his
compulsive obsessive disorder, and
yes, I said that the wrong way round
on purpose just to unnerve him.
It's Jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
he's the comedy legend that gave us
the anarchic Shooting Stars.
We're no strangers to anarchy here -
David Mitchell's not even
wearing a tie tonight.
It's Bob Mortimer.
APPLAUSE
And he's the Homeland star who left
Birmingham to go to Hollywood,
but says one day he wants to return.
He IS a good actor!
It's David Harewood.
APPLAUSE
And so we begin with round one,
Home Truths,
where our panellists read out
a statement from the card
in front of them, and to make things
harder, they've never seen
the card before so they've no idea
what they'll be faced with,
and it's up to the opposing team to
sort the fact from the fiction.
OK, Bob, you're first up tonight.
Thank you.
I once set fire to my house with
a box of fireworks.
David Mitchell's team.
Ah, was this on purpose?
LAUGHTER
It was...
It was done out of ignorance.
LAUGHTER
What age were you?
I was somewhere round about seven.
I want to know where you grew up
where a seven-year-old can buy
- a box of fireworks. - I bought them in
the shop where, near where I lived
in Middlesbrough,
it was a box for 2/6 of Standard
Fireworks, that was the brand.
Standard brand! That sounds
exciting, Standard Fireworks.
- Yeah. - A normal level of excitement
will be engendered.
For a Bonfire Night you WILL forget!
But, but it says Standard
but then it's, pch! Pch! Pch!
That IS standard for a firework!
So you're in your home?
- Yeah. - And you are seven or eight
years old.
- I'm seven and I'm on my own, yeah.
- On your own. - What happens?
On one of the fireworks, I think it
was the sparklers,
it said "not suitable
for indoor use,"
which, at that age, makes you think,
"Ah, that means they're OK."
Could you just not read the word
"not" when you were a bairn?
Did you think "not" was the brand?
You go, "Oh, lovely
I like that "not" brand food.
"It's "not" - for human consumption."
LAUGHTER
You know that logic that says,
well, people have obviously tried
them indoors.
And discovered they're not suitable.
- Yeah. - So, therefore, I won't use
them indoors because I want to live.
But if you look on a big
firework, it won't say not suitable
- for indoor... It's obvious. - Yeah.
- Right. - Well, not to everybody.
But on the sparklers
they chose to put it on.
So what happened?
I lit the sparkler, the sparks
went into the box of fireworks -
the Standard box - and set THEM off
and I carried the box of fireworks,
now beginning to light
into the kitchen and I threw them
into the kitchen.
I thought it would be more suitable.
I think you're right, the kitchen
of all the rooms is the most
suitable for fireworks, isn't it?
- It is. - Because of the oven, the gas,
the stove - there is fire
naturally in the kitchen.
Yeah. There's a lot
of...and there's more... It's more
wipe-down. Less cloth.
So what happened then?
They went off in the, um...
What was the sound like? Was it
bing! Wheee! Pssh-pssh-pssh?
No, these were only Standard.
Phoo! Phoo!
LAUGHTER
And er... No, I can't remember...I
remember, as I'm sat here now,
wiping the scorch marks off
the floor and thinking that
my mum's going to kill me...
- Yeah. - ..and so I'm going to be
in big trouble,
then I went back into the living
room. Unbeknownst to me...
- Yeah. - ..I'd dropped one.
And it just... The living room was
completely engulfed in flames.
It sounds to me that if you're on
your own at home at seven,
your mum's pretty laid-back anyway.
She said, "Son, will you sit here
"and look after these fireworks
whilst I go out to the bingo."
So you lit the sparkler,
a spark went into the Standard box.
- Yes. - The box started to go...
You go, "Uh-oh, I must get them
into the most suitable room for
fireworks."
- Yeah. - That's the kitchen,
no need to go beyond the kitchen
to the outdoors.
Yeah. Mum said, "Don't go out."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
No, it's good to know that there
was at least one rule in your house.
What time of day did all
this happen?
This happened mid-afternoon.
- Oh, dear. So you didn't really get
the benefit of the fireworks? - No.
Who put the fire out?
I went to next door where
Miss Best lived.
Bless her, she was about 80
and I knocked on her door
and said, "My house is on fire,"
and she said, "Do you know,
I thought it was."
So what happened then?
She called the fire brigade.
They fired their water hoses
throughout the house.
- Ruining it. - Even the rooms
where there was no fire.
- Not ruining it? - Yeah.
You do know that before
they put out the fire, it was
already ruined, don't you?
You're making this house all wet,
it was lovely and warm before.
Lee, it's the water damage that
knackers the house.
- Is it? Not the fire? - Not the fire.
If they would use their boots
to put it out...
I must say, the entire house
was...that's it.
I was in a family
of four children and we had...
we were homeless.
- Keep it light. - I'm just saying.
- Where were all the other kids while
you were alone with the fire?
Why did she take three children out
and leave you?
They were looking after fireworks
in other people's houses.
So, you say you were homeless -
how much of the house did the
inferno claim?
- It had gone, the entire house.
- The whole house?
- The whole house burnt down?
- The whole house burnt down.
So how much did you
leave in the living room?
The fireworks in the kitchen have
only caused a few scorches!
- Yeah. - What did you
leave in the living room?
And now, and now don't
you feel stupid for saying
Standard fireworks?
- Yeah. - I'll tell you...
Not really. I think you were stupid
for lighting a sparkler indoors.
If you don't know what you
dropped
in the living room is there a
chance that it's just a coincidence?
- No, it could be. - That it might not
have been your fault?
- That's what I said to the press.
- It's not your fault.
Press? What, what press, who, who,
who did you speak to?
- Local press. - They... Cos they came
to the house while it was burning?
Yeah. You know, with their hats on,
trilbies, sniffing around.
LAUGHTER
With those little
bits of paper in the hat.
- Typewriters and everything?
- Yeah. - Were they called things
- like Scoop McLean?
I believe he was called Ron Waffle.
Sorry, Ron Waffle?
It was either him or the other
ace reporter on the Gazette was
John Caramel.
It was one of them two.
Caramel and Waffle!
Honestly.
The question is whether you think
Bob has been telling the truth.
Well, I was... I thought
it seemed very plausible
until we heard about
Caramel and Waffle.
I think he thinks he's telling
the truth, but I think what's
happened, at some point, he's seen
a film in which this has happened.
- He saw Backdraft. - And is now
convinced that it happened to him.
I think it's a lie.
Sarah?
I, ah, I sort of... I was going to
say I want it to be true,
but that sounds really horrible.
I think... I don't...
I think it might be true.
Well, I think it's true.
I think it's true.
- So you're going to go for true?
- Yeah.
OK. Bob, were you telling the
truth or were you telling a lie?
I was telling the truth.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true, Bob once set fire to
his house with a box of fireworks.
Jon, you're next.
When I'm stressed,
I often take a water-free bath.
Water-free baths, Lee and his team.
- Do you er, do you get undressed? - No.
Do you,
do you just sit in the bath?
Well, I lie in the bath.
Well, of course, cos you want to
get the imaginary water all over
your body, don't you?
Do you imagine there's water in
the bath or does your mind accept
it's not there?
- No, you know it's not there.
I'm not... I'm not an idiot.
- I know it's not there.
Do you have a hovering duck?
How long do you spend in this
position?
Uh, well, it depends on how
stressed I am.
If I'm very stressed I'll
be in there a long time,
if I'm only a little bit stressed
I'll pop in and I'll pop out again.
But what's the benefit, what,
I don't see what is
stress-relieving about it.
Oh, a bath is stress-relieving,
isn't it, but then it's quite a faff
innit, running the water, taking
your clothes off, then you're
wet, you can't go out when you're
wet, so you've got to dry yourself
- then you've got to put your clothes
back on. - Well, why... - If you just
get in without all that faff,
you get all the joy of a bath
and none of the fuss.
You're from the north -
I'll bet you've got just
an imaginary flannel.
You said that like you're
not from the north.
I, I, I've completely converted now.
Have you told your accent?
Are you always alone?
LAUGHTER
Oh, wow! Sarah do you mean
in life or in the bath?
Whichever one he wants to answer.
I... You always should be in the
bath alone, I think we'll all agree.
Jon, do you do any, like,
bath-related things when you're in
the non-bath, or do you just shut
your eyes and lie there?
Uh, sometimes I'll put my dressing
gown on over me or a big towel to...
- Over your clothes?
- Over your clothes?
- Over me, I'll get into the bath.
- Oh, in the bath.
Oh, right, so now it's suddenly got
a bit more disturbing.
It's stress relief, isn't it?
I don't just sit there, like,
in the bath, like, you know...
- I don't smoke. - You could have an
imaginary cigarette
if you're having an imaginary
bath - it's fine!
So what are you thinking, Lee?
Does this,
does this smack of the truth?
- Um, what do we think, David? - I think
it's total nonsense. - Do you? - Yeah.
Putting the thing over your head,
I think it would add to the stress
as opposed to relieving it.
- I'm going for a lie.
- You're going for a lie.
Go for a lie in his bath
fully clothed.
Actually, come to think...
A fart's not going to be half
the fun in this non-bath, is it?
- So are we going to say lie? - Lie.
My team say lie so I have to go
with them and say lie.
You're all saying it's a lie, OK.
Jon Richardson, were you just
telling us
the truth or were you telling a lie?
It was,
sadly, true.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
I want it... Let's end the show
there, let's end the show there,
we'll have
a quick chat with Jon, we'll bring
on Jeremy Kyle and just end it now.
Yes, it's true, when Jon is stressed
he has a water-free bath.
Our next round is called
This Is My... where we
bring on a mystery guest who has
a close connection to
one of our panellists. Now this
week, each of Lee's team will
claim it's them that has the genuine
connection to the guest
and it's up to David's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Keith.
APPLAUSE
So, er, Bob, first of all.
Bob, what is Keith to you?
Er, this is Keith,
he's my oldest friend
and when we were at school
together we hid
a Dictaphone in the classroom
ceiling to confuse our teacher.
David Harewood.
Er, this my is old teacher, Keith.
I once had to claim I wasn't me
when I met him in a cafe, as I was
in character preparing for Homeland.
And finally, Lee -
your relationship with Keith?
This is Keith, and his hawk... Yes.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. I'll admit, David, it's a
difficult start, but go with it.
This is Keith
and his hawk was supposed to
land on my arm at a village fete,
but instead, stole the wig
from the man next to me
and flew off into a tree.
So there we are. It's Bob's
classroom prankster,
it's David's blanked buddy
or it's Lee's hawk handler.
David's team, where do you start?
So, yes, David, what,
he was a teacher at your school?
- Very briefly. - What, a whole lesson?
I mean, I don't know if... I mean,
I could... I would see him.
- But he didn't teach you.
- No, not teach me.
He was someone who
hung around a school
and, charitably, you assumed
he was a teacher.
But if he was at the school a short
period of time how did you
even recognise him in the cafe?
Oh, I knew it was him.
He walked into the cafe and he said,
"Hi, David,"
and, basically, I blanked him.
It was literally
the month before I went to America
when I was doing Homeland and I'd
just been to see my dialect coach.
He basically said I have to
stay in my American voice, so...
Could you not have explained that
to him in your American voice?
"I'm sorry, buddy,
but I'm doing a role here."
I, I don't think it was ever
as good as that, Jon, to be fair.
I basically just had to say,
"I don't know what you're talking
about."
Oh, that's...
I'm, I'm remembering you now.
- Do the voice a bit more. - I said,
"I don't know what you're talking
about."
Oh. That did weird things to me.
LAUGHTER
So your dialect coach said,
"You're in this role, you need to
stay in this character.
"Now the lesson's over, let's go to
a very public place where you're
likely to encounter several people."
You have to stay in that voice.
You have to have the confidence
to stay in your voice.
Why can't you just, like, turn
it on like an actor?
Oh, that's a,
that's a cheap shot, Sarah.
I did... I had to say... I did phone
him up afterwards and apologise.
So you had his number.
You stayed in touch with a teacher
you barely remember?
Would it be fair to say the hawk's
looking a bit more plausible?
So, David, who would you like to
question next?
Um. Bob, er,
remind us of your allegation!
When we were at school
together we hid a Dictaphone machine
in the ceiling tiles to, um,
interrupt the lesson.
So, not to record but to play stuff.
- Yeah. - What sort of stuff?
Well, it was, um, important to keep
a gap at the beginning
so we let it run for about 15
minutes and then there was the
noise of a fly...
..for a brief period
then another bit...period.
- To confuse the teacher.
- Where would you get the noise from
the fly? You'd make the noise?
We'd make the noise ourselves.
I'm not paying for no fly to do it.
- Bob, let's hear your fly. - Bzzzzzz.
You know...what?
It does sound like a fly.
Can I hear your bee?
Er, we didn't do a bee.
- Do you know how to do a bee?
- How? - Just like that fly.
Oh, no, it's more...it's more
wholesome if it's a bee, isn't it?
Show me the difference, David.
Well, I don't know. I'm, I'm not...
Do it. But I would say, OK a bee
would be a sort of a
fuller bzzzzzzzzzz.
No, that's a bumble bee.
Whereas a fly is a (HIGHER PITCH)
zzzzzzzz.
- That is good.
- That's good, very good.
Do you see the way he just slipped
straight in and out of character?
- So you'd hide it.
- So, yes, there was silence.
- Yeah. - Then a little bit of fly,
silence, little bit of fly
and then quite loudly, but not to
frighten anyone, the word "wolf!"
What? Then more silence.
- Yeah. - A bit more silence. Then...
- Yeah. - ..Speedway stadium.
Speedway stadium?
Do you know, the idea was just
to say kind of random things.
We had, he was a really nice teacher
called, um, Bill Whittlingham.
How did Bill Whittlingham react
to these random sounds?
Well, Mr Whittlingham left the room
and said,
"Can you sort this
out by the time I've gone back?"
"Whatever it is that's going on."
And there was a cupboard
in the corner where, interestingly,
it had exercise books in it,
pens and that, but it also had,
in a little cage, a hand lion,
which is a robotic...
It's a battery operated thing.
- A what? - Are you just,
are you just saying any words that
come into your head in any order?
It's a hand lion and if you...
- A hand lion? - It's a robotic
elect...animatronic hand lion.
And if you'd been particularly good
he would put it on your hand
and set it to "lick"
and it would lick you.
- If you'd been particularly...
- Was this like a clockwork lion?
No, it was remote control, I promise
you. It was remote control?
Remote control. He had the
controller in his desk and he said,
"You've been such a good boy,
"get out the hand lion
and you'll get a lick."
And if you'd been bad he'd put him
on your hand and he'd strike,
he'd strike at your hand.
So, the hand lion had two settings -
it could lick or it could strike.
Yes, good boy, bad boy.
Right, very sensible.
- Now the only problem with
it of course... - What, this story?
The only problem was cos
if the batteries got low,
it would get constipated.
No, anyway but in this cupboard,
so we got up on the cupboard, um...
You climb onto the cupboard that
the hand lion is housed in?
- Probably asleep. - Right. You
reach up under the ceiling tile.
- Take out the Dictaphone.
- Switch it off. - Yeah.
- Mr Whittlingham comes back in.
- Yes, yes. - What happens?
He's nervously awaiting another,
you know, edict from above.
It doesn't come, we carry on with
the lesson, um, British Government
and Politics, it was.
There was a lesson called
British Government and Politics?
- Yeah. - A whole year on that?
Two years. It was A-Level.
So the 6th formers...
A hand lion...
A hand lion that can either lick
or strike was what was used to
express praise or,
or the opposite
to these 17 or 18-year-old students.
And it was very effective.
All right, would you like to
move on to the final claim.
So Lee, tell the story about Keith.
I was at a village fete, and er...
Why were you at a village fete?
I was helping out.
What village? Thames Ditton.
Why were you helping out at Thames
Ditton fete?
I don't live too far away from there
and they asked me to help out and I
did a few little things. I did...
I did a bit of tombola, a bit
of announcing then I went over to
judge the pig racing, the usual
things you do at a fete, you know.
The pig racing? Yeah. I don't know
why I judged it, cos surely, first
past the post, but...
It was...
I was there in case of a dead heat.
And what happened with the...
with the hawk and Keith and the wig?
One of the things, um, I had to do
was to volunteer to stand there
and learn - he had the little, er,
headpiece on, where he'd
teach the crowd basic falconry,
I believe we call it.
I stick the, er, stick
the glove on and, er,
then hold this little thing. I don't
know what it was but I'm doing this.
A small morsel of meat. Thank God
you've been to one, cos I haven't.
I'm holding a small morsel of meat.
Then what happens? And then, er...
Then the swan comes down.
The swan came down.
So the hawk comes over, right,
it comes up there, there's a person
missing from this story, and it's
the mayor, right, the local mayor.
I can't say it in...
I always struggle.
The mayor.
The mayor! The mayor, right? So.
The mayor is standing next
to a horse.
Yeah. So, the local...
So, the mayor is doing his bit,
but the mayor has got a wig on,
right, the hawk flies over to go
and land on my hand,
but he lands on the mayor's head
so it gets caught up in his,
in his... What shall we call them?
- Talons. - Talons! - Talons.
Gets caught up in the talons
and then in the sort of panic
the bird sort of...and he can't
release this wig and he flies
off and he goes into the tree.
I said, "Why didn't he go for the
meat?" He said, "I genuinely think
the gold chain caught his eye,"
there was a bit of confusion for a
second, and he just did a bit of an
emergency landing on a
mayor's wig at Thames Ditton
fete! What's there not to believe?
At that point, did you cry,
"Oh, no - the mayor's hair's over
there"?
All right, so David's team - is
Keith Bob's classroom prankster,
David's blanked buddy
or Lee's hawk handler.
I was believing Bob until the fact
that he was 18 and the hand lion.
I'm leaning towards David.
I think I'm leaning toward David.
I think, I think it's Bob.
And I think he panicked cos he knew
we were onto him, so he went
on a ridiculous riff about a hand
lion to throw us off the scent.
I'll go Bob,
but I've been wrong before.
- Sarah? - I'm going to go David.
- We'll go David.
- You're saying David. - M'hm.
Keith,
please reveal your true identity.
My name is Keith and, er,
Bob and I recorded voices
and hid the Dictaphone
in the ceiling.
Yes, um... Keith is Bob's
classroom prankster.
I would never have believed
all that stuff about a hand lion
was completely true.
Thanks very much, Keith.
Thank you.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick-fire Lies, we start with...
BUZZER SOUNDS
It's Sarah Millican.
- Possession.
- Ah, there's a box under your desk.
- Would you pop it on the desk
and then first of all read out
the card that's inside, before you
show us what the possession is.
This is my cat-cam.
I put it around my cat's neck
for a week to film what it got up to
because I believed it was him
who kept turning the kitchen tap on.
OK, let's take this item out
and pop it on the desk.
Right, Lee's team, cat-cam.
So you're saying that the...
You thought the cat might be
- turning the tap on. - Yes.
- we know it wasn't Jon.
So you put the cat-cam on the cat
for how long?
For, well generally, like an hour
at a time, but while I was out.
So the cat's clever enough not to be
turning this tap on when you're in.
Well, yeah, because I would just
see him doing it
and then I would know it was him.
If he could do the tap, were you not
worried that he could turn
the camera off?
LAUGHTER
No, cos the tap's like one of those
ones where that's quite fiddly.
How do you see the picture?
You connect it to a computer?
Yeah, it's just got a USB thing,
yeah.
- I see, OK. - You attach it to the
computer, and how long,
you watch it an hour at a time?
Well, you fast forward it, I'm not
sitting watching.
Oh, just the highlights, you're
doing the highlights. Yeah.
- Go on, the big question is...
- Was it the cat? - Not so far, but
I'm still... It's still sort of...
- Somebody's turning the taps on when
you go out of the house. - It's kind
of a work in progress, so...
When you come...when you come
back... I hope he's not watching,
cos...
- Don't worry, he can turn this off.
- He's turned this off.
Can I ask you a question,
very, just..? Yes.
Why didn't you attach
the camera to the taps?
Oh!
LAUGHTER
Thank you.
What's the name of your cat, Sarah?
He's called Chief Brody.
And the personality,
is he a scratcher?
- He is a scratcher.
- On bits of furniture?
On, arms.
Yeah. Well, that's not so much
of a worry - it's the furniture
is more the thing, isn't it?
- Is it? Thanks. - Can I ask
why you're so worried about the cat
turning the taps on
when you've got something
in your house that's attacking you?
I wouldn't mind if he turned the tap
on if it's scratching my face.
- Well, that's because you're not a cat
lover. - No, but I don't like things
- that scratch.
Well, don't get a cat, then.
- Am I the weirdo here? - Yeah.
- Can we have a show of hands? - Yes.
That's so lovely to hear,
cos usually it's me.
What colour is your cat, Sarah?
Ginger.
Um, pink collar, ginger cat?
Would you?
It's red, it's not pink.
- Would you, pink. - It's red.
Oh, please it's pink.
It's red, shut your face.
Red and ginger, devil's finger.
- What?
- That's what they say. It's true.
No-one says that. Who says that?
- No-one says that, Bob. - They do.
- Is that what your mum used to say?
- And they're still saying it.
So what do you think, Lee?
Is she telling the truth?
What do we think, Bob?
I'm saying it's a lie.
- You're saying it's a lie, David's
saying it's... - Possibly true.
- Well, I'll go lie. - OK, you're saying
lie. Sarah, truth or lie?
It is a...
lie.
Oh!
Yes, it's a lie, Sarah didn't put
a cat-cam on her cat.
Next.
It's David Harewood.
I can balance a bank
note on my nose.
When did you first find this out?
When I was about, um, 13.
Is it flat or is it
sort of like that?
It's on its,
kind of, on its...
- On its edge. - Yes. And I would balance
it on like that.
Straight up? Like that?
- Yes. - On your nose?
- Kind of like that.
So the end of the note
is along your nose there.
- Going upwards? - Yes.
What's your technique for...
cos I imagine the problem
with that is that the note would
immediately fall off.
- Well, I kind of... - What's your
technique for preventing that?
Zen.
Is that a type of glue?
What do you think, David? Does
this have the ring of truth for you?
I don't think it does.
I think it's an odd
mixture of something that would be
impossible
and not that impressive anyway.
So what do you think?
- I think we think it's a lie.
- I think it's a lie.
- Lie. We think it's a lie.
Three of you, all three of you think
it's a lie. OK.
David Harewood, truth or lie?
It is...
true.
Whoa!
Yes, it's true.
Whoa.
You pulled that out at just
the right time for us.
- Cheers, mate. - I might have to...
I have to stand up for this.
- All right, please do. - Here we go.
Take your time, milk it.
Whoa.
APPLAUSE
Very impressive! Yes, it's true.
BUZZER
Oh, and that noise signals time is
up - it's the end of the show
and I can tell you that Lee's team
have triumphed
by three points to two.
SPEECHED COVERED BY APPLAUSE
But, of course, it's not
just a team game
and my individual liar of the week
this week is Bob Mortimer.
APPLAUSE
Yes, Bob Mortimer if you
were looking for an effortless liar
then Bob's your uncle.
At least, he says he's your uncle -
he's probably lying about that, too.
Good night.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
and welcome to Would I Lie To You,
the show where lies win the prize.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a comedienne recently voted
one of the 100 most powerful
women in Britain. Yes, not only is
she hilarious, she can also toss
a caber and drag a tractor using
just her teeth. It's Sarah Millican.
APPLAUSE
And a comedian who is famous for his
compulsive obsessive disorder, and
yes, I said that the wrong way round
on purpose just to unnerve him.
It's Jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
he's the comedy legend that gave us
the anarchic Shooting Stars.
We're no strangers to anarchy here -
David Mitchell's not even
wearing a tie tonight.
It's Bob Mortimer.
APPLAUSE
And he's the Homeland star who left
Birmingham to go to Hollywood,
but says one day he wants to return.
He IS a good actor!
It's David Harewood.
APPLAUSE
And so we begin with round one,
Home Truths,
where our panellists read out
a statement from the card
in front of them, and to make things
harder, they've never seen
the card before so they've no idea
what they'll be faced with,
and it's up to the opposing team to
sort the fact from the fiction.
OK, Bob, you're first up tonight.
Thank you.
I once set fire to my house with
a box of fireworks.
David Mitchell's team.
Ah, was this on purpose?
LAUGHTER
It was...
It was done out of ignorance.
LAUGHTER
What age were you?
I was somewhere round about seven.
I want to know where you grew up
where a seven-year-old can buy
- a box of fireworks. - I bought them in
the shop where, near where I lived
in Middlesbrough,
it was a box for 2/6 of Standard
Fireworks, that was the brand.
Standard brand! That sounds
exciting, Standard Fireworks.
- Yeah. - A normal level of excitement
will be engendered.
For a Bonfire Night you WILL forget!
But, but it says Standard
but then it's, pch! Pch! Pch!
That IS standard for a firework!
So you're in your home?
- Yeah. - And you are seven or eight
years old.
- I'm seven and I'm on my own, yeah.
- On your own. - What happens?
On one of the fireworks, I think it
was the sparklers,
it said "not suitable
for indoor use,"
which, at that age, makes you think,
"Ah, that means they're OK."
Could you just not read the word
"not" when you were a bairn?
Did you think "not" was the brand?
You go, "Oh, lovely
I like that "not" brand food.
"It's "not" - for human consumption."
LAUGHTER
You know that logic that says,
well, people have obviously tried
them indoors.
And discovered they're not suitable.
- Yeah. - So, therefore, I won't use
them indoors because I want to live.
But if you look on a big
firework, it won't say not suitable
- for indoor... It's obvious. - Yeah.
- Right. - Well, not to everybody.
But on the sparklers
they chose to put it on.
So what happened?
I lit the sparkler, the sparks
went into the box of fireworks -
the Standard box - and set THEM off
and I carried the box of fireworks,
now beginning to light
into the kitchen and I threw them
into the kitchen.
I thought it would be more suitable.
I think you're right, the kitchen
of all the rooms is the most
suitable for fireworks, isn't it?
- It is. - Because of the oven, the gas,
the stove - there is fire
naturally in the kitchen.
Yeah. There's a lot
of...and there's more... It's more
wipe-down. Less cloth.
So what happened then?
They went off in the, um...
What was the sound like? Was it
bing! Wheee! Pssh-pssh-pssh?
No, these were only Standard.
Phoo! Phoo!
LAUGHTER
And er... No, I can't remember...I
remember, as I'm sat here now,
wiping the scorch marks off
the floor and thinking that
my mum's going to kill me...
- Yeah. - ..and so I'm going to be
in big trouble,
then I went back into the living
room. Unbeknownst to me...
- Yeah. - ..I'd dropped one.
And it just... The living room was
completely engulfed in flames.
It sounds to me that if you're on
your own at home at seven,
your mum's pretty laid-back anyway.
She said, "Son, will you sit here
"and look after these fireworks
whilst I go out to the bingo."
So you lit the sparkler,
a spark went into the Standard box.
- Yes. - The box started to go...
You go, "Uh-oh, I must get them
into the most suitable room for
fireworks."
- Yeah. - That's the kitchen,
no need to go beyond the kitchen
to the outdoors.
Yeah. Mum said, "Don't go out."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
No, it's good to know that there
was at least one rule in your house.
What time of day did all
this happen?
This happened mid-afternoon.
- Oh, dear. So you didn't really get
the benefit of the fireworks? - No.
Who put the fire out?
I went to next door where
Miss Best lived.
Bless her, she was about 80
and I knocked on her door
and said, "My house is on fire,"
and she said, "Do you know,
I thought it was."
So what happened then?
She called the fire brigade.
They fired their water hoses
throughout the house.
- Ruining it. - Even the rooms
where there was no fire.
- Not ruining it? - Yeah.
You do know that before
they put out the fire, it was
already ruined, don't you?
You're making this house all wet,
it was lovely and warm before.
Lee, it's the water damage that
knackers the house.
- Is it? Not the fire? - Not the fire.
If they would use their boots
to put it out...
I must say, the entire house
was...that's it.
I was in a family
of four children and we had...
we were homeless.
- Keep it light. - I'm just saying.
- Where were all the other kids while
you were alone with the fire?
Why did she take three children out
and leave you?
They were looking after fireworks
in other people's houses.
So, you say you were homeless -
how much of the house did the
inferno claim?
- It had gone, the entire house.
- The whole house?
- The whole house burnt down?
- The whole house burnt down.
So how much did you
leave in the living room?
The fireworks in the kitchen have
only caused a few scorches!
- Yeah. - What did you
leave in the living room?
And now, and now don't
you feel stupid for saying
Standard fireworks?
- Yeah. - I'll tell you...
Not really. I think you were stupid
for lighting a sparkler indoors.
If you don't know what you
dropped
in the living room is there a
chance that it's just a coincidence?
- No, it could be. - That it might not
have been your fault?
- That's what I said to the press.
- It's not your fault.
Press? What, what press, who, who,
who did you speak to?
- Local press. - They... Cos they came
to the house while it was burning?
Yeah. You know, with their hats on,
trilbies, sniffing around.
LAUGHTER
With those little
bits of paper in the hat.
- Typewriters and everything?
- Yeah. - Were they called things
- like Scoop McLean?
I believe he was called Ron Waffle.
Sorry, Ron Waffle?
It was either him or the other
ace reporter on the Gazette was
John Caramel.
It was one of them two.
Caramel and Waffle!
Honestly.
The question is whether you think
Bob has been telling the truth.
Well, I was... I thought
it seemed very plausible
until we heard about
Caramel and Waffle.
I think he thinks he's telling
the truth, but I think what's
happened, at some point, he's seen
a film in which this has happened.
- He saw Backdraft. - And is now
convinced that it happened to him.
I think it's a lie.
Sarah?
I, ah, I sort of... I was going to
say I want it to be true,
but that sounds really horrible.
I think... I don't...
I think it might be true.
Well, I think it's true.
I think it's true.
- So you're going to go for true?
- Yeah.
OK. Bob, were you telling the
truth or were you telling a lie?
I was telling the truth.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true, Bob once set fire to
his house with a box of fireworks.
Jon, you're next.
When I'm stressed,
I often take a water-free bath.
Water-free baths, Lee and his team.
- Do you er, do you get undressed? - No.
Do you,
do you just sit in the bath?
Well, I lie in the bath.
Well, of course, cos you want to
get the imaginary water all over
your body, don't you?
Do you imagine there's water in
the bath or does your mind accept
it's not there?
- No, you know it's not there.
I'm not... I'm not an idiot.
- I know it's not there.
Do you have a hovering duck?
How long do you spend in this
position?
Uh, well, it depends on how
stressed I am.
If I'm very stressed I'll
be in there a long time,
if I'm only a little bit stressed
I'll pop in and I'll pop out again.
But what's the benefit, what,
I don't see what is
stress-relieving about it.
Oh, a bath is stress-relieving,
isn't it, but then it's quite a faff
innit, running the water, taking
your clothes off, then you're
wet, you can't go out when you're
wet, so you've got to dry yourself
- then you've got to put your clothes
back on. - Well, why... - If you just
get in without all that faff,
you get all the joy of a bath
and none of the fuss.
You're from the north -
I'll bet you've got just
an imaginary flannel.
You said that like you're
not from the north.
I, I, I've completely converted now.
Have you told your accent?
Are you always alone?
LAUGHTER
Oh, wow! Sarah do you mean
in life or in the bath?
Whichever one he wants to answer.
I... You always should be in the
bath alone, I think we'll all agree.
Jon, do you do any, like,
bath-related things when you're in
the non-bath, or do you just shut
your eyes and lie there?
Uh, sometimes I'll put my dressing
gown on over me or a big towel to...
- Over your clothes?
- Over your clothes?
- Over me, I'll get into the bath.
- Oh, in the bath.
Oh, right, so now it's suddenly got
a bit more disturbing.
It's stress relief, isn't it?
I don't just sit there, like,
in the bath, like, you know...
- I don't smoke. - You could have an
imaginary cigarette
if you're having an imaginary
bath - it's fine!
So what are you thinking, Lee?
Does this,
does this smack of the truth?
- Um, what do we think, David? - I think
it's total nonsense. - Do you? - Yeah.
Putting the thing over your head,
I think it would add to the stress
as opposed to relieving it.
- I'm going for a lie.
- You're going for a lie.
Go for a lie in his bath
fully clothed.
Actually, come to think...
A fart's not going to be half
the fun in this non-bath, is it?
- So are we going to say lie? - Lie.
My team say lie so I have to go
with them and say lie.
You're all saying it's a lie, OK.
Jon Richardson, were you just
telling us
the truth or were you telling a lie?
It was,
sadly, true.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
I want it... Let's end the show
there, let's end the show there,
we'll have
a quick chat with Jon, we'll bring
on Jeremy Kyle and just end it now.
Yes, it's true, when Jon is stressed
he has a water-free bath.
Our next round is called
This Is My... where we
bring on a mystery guest who has
a close connection to
one of our panellists. Now this
week, each of Lee's team will
claim it's them that has the genuine
connection to the guest
and it's up to David's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Keith.
APPLAUSE
So, er, Bob, first of all.
Bob, what is Keith to you?
Er, this is Keith,
he's my oldest friend
and when we were at school
together we hid
a Dictaphone in the classroom
ceiling to confuse our teacher.
David Harewood.
Er, this my is old teacher, Keith.
I once had to claim I wasn't me
when I met him in a cafe, as I was
in character preparing for Homeland.
And finally, Lee -
your relationship with Keith?
This is Keith, and his hawk... Yes.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. I'll admit, David, it's a
difficult start, but go with it.
This is Keith
and his hawk was supposed to
land on my arm at a village fete,
but instead, stole the wig
from the man next to me
and flew off into a tree.
So there we are. It's Bob's
classroom prankster,
it's David's blanked buddy
or it's Lee's hawk handler.
David's team, where do you start?
So, yes, David, what,
he was a teacher at your school?
- Very briefly. - What, a whole lesson?
I mean, I don't know if... I mean,
I could... I would see him.
- But he didn't teach you.
- No, not teach me.
He was someone who
hung around a school
and, charitably, you assumed
he was a teacher.
But if he was at the school a short
period of time how did you
even recognise him in the cafe?
Oh, I knew it was him.
He walked into the cafe and he said,
"Hi, David,"
and, basically, I blanked him.
It was literally
the month before I went to America
when I was doing Homeland and I'd
just been to see my dialect coach.
He basically said I have to
stay in my American voice, so...
Could you not have explained that
to him in your American voice?
"I'm sorry, buddy,
but I'm doing a role here."
I, I don't think it was ever
as good as that, Jon, to be fair.
I basically just had to say,
"I don't know what you're talking
about."
Oh, that's...
I'm, I'm remembering you now.
- Do the voice a bit more. - I said,
"I don't know what you're talking
about."
Oh. That did weird things to me.
LAUGHTER
So your dialect coach said,
"You're in this role, you need to
stay in this character.
"Now the lesson's over, let's go to
a very public place where you're
likely to encounter several people."
You have to stay in that voice.
You have to have the confidence
to stay in your voice.
Why can't you just, like, turn
it on like an actor?
Oh, that's a,
that's a cheap shot, Sarah.
I did... I had to say... I did phone
him up afterwards and apologise.
So you had his number.
You stayed in touch with a teacher
you barely remember?
Would it be fair to say the hawk's
looking a bit more plausible?
So, David, who would you like to
question next?
Um. Bob, er,
remind us of your allegation!
When we were at school
together we hid a Dictaphone machine
in the ceiling tiles to, um,
interrupt the lesson.
So, not to record but to play stuff.
- Yeah. - What sort of stuff?
Well, it was, um, important to keep
a gap at the beginning
so we let it run for about 15
minutes and then there was the
noise of a fly...
..for a brief period
then another bit...period.
- To confuse the teacher.
- Where would you get the noise from
the fly? You'd make the noise?
We'd make the noise ourselves.
I'm not paying for no fly to do it.
- Bob, let's hear your fly. - Bzzzzzz.
You know...what?
It does sound like a fly.
Can I hear your bee?
Er, we didn't do a bee.
- Do you know how to do a bee?
- How? - Just like that fly.
Oh, no, it's more...it's more
wholesome if it's a bee, isn't it?
Show me the difference, David.
Well, I don't know. I'm, I'm not...
Do it. But I would say, OK a bee
would be a sort of a
fuller bzzzzzzzzzz.
No, that's a bumble bee.
Whereas a fly is a (HIGHER PITCH)
zzzzzzzz.
- That is good.
- That's good, very good.
Do you see the way he just slipped
straight in and out of character?
- So you'd hide it.
- So, yes, there was silence.
- Yeah. - Then a little bit of fly,
silence, little bit of fly
and then quite loudly, but not to
frighten anyone, the word "wolf!"
What? Then more silence.
- Yeah. - A bit more silence. Then...
- Yeah. - ..Speedway stadium.
Speedway stadium?
Do you know, the idea was just
to say kind of random things.
We had, he was a really nice teacher
called, um, Bill Whittlingham.
How did Bill Whittlingham react
to these random sounds?
Well, Mr Whittlingham left the room
and said,
"Can you sort this
out by the time I've gone back?"
"Whatever it is that's going on."
And there was a cupboard
in the corner where, interestingly,
it had exercise books in it,
pens and that, but it also had,
in a little cage, a hand lion,
which is a robotic...
It's a battery operated thing.
- A what? - Are you just,
are you just saying any words that
come into your head in any order?
It's a hand lion and if you...
- A hand lion? - It's a robotic
elect...animatronic hand lion.
And if you'd been particularly good
he would put it on your hand
and set it to "lick"
and it would lick you.
- If you'd been particularly...
- Was this like a clockwork lion?
No, it was remote control, I promise
you. It was remote control?
Remote control. He had the
controller in his desk and he said,
"You've been such a good boy,
"get out the hand lion
and you'll get a lick."
And if you'd been bad he'd put him
on your hand and he'd strike,
he'd strike at your hand.
So, the hand lion had two settings -
it could lick or it could strike.
Yes, good boy, bad boy.
Right, very sensible.
- Now the only problem with
it of course... - What, this story?
The only problem was cos
if the batteries got low,
it would get constipated.
No, anyway but in this cupboard,
so we got up on the cupboard, um...
You climb onto the cupboard that
the hand lion is housed in?
- Probably asleep. - Right. You
reach up under the ceiling tile.
- Take out the Dictaphone.
- Switch it off. - Yeah.
- Mr Whittlingham comes back in.
- Yes, yes. - What happens?
He's nervously awaiting another,
you know, edict from above.
It doesn't come, we carry on with
the lesson, um, British Government
and Politics, it was.
There was a lesson called
British Government and Politics?
- Yeah. - A whole year on that?
Two years. It was A-Level.
So the 6th formers...
A hand lion...
A hand lion that can either lick
or strike was what was used to
express praise or,
or the opposite
to these 17 or 18-year-old students.
And it was very effective.
All right, would you like to
move on to the final claim.
So Lee, tell the story about Keith.
I was at a village fete, and er...
Why were you at a village fete?
I was helping out.
What village? Thames Ditton.
Why were you helping out at Thames
Ditton fete?
I don't live too far away from there
and they asked me to help out and I
did a few little things. I did...
I did a bit of tombola, a bit
of announcing then I went over to
judge the pig racing, the usual
things you do at a fete, you know.
The pig racing? Yeah. I don't know
why I judged it, cos surely, first
past the post, but...
It was...
I was there in case of a dead heat.
And what happened with the...
with the hawk and Keith and the wig?
One of the things, um, I had to do
was to volunteer to stand there
and learn - he had the little, er,
headpiece on, where he'd
teach the crowd basic falconry,
I believe we call it.
I stick the, er, stick
the glove on and, er,
then hold this little thing. I don't
know what it was but I'm doing this.
A small morsel of meat. Thank God
you've been to one, cos I haven't.
I'm holding a small morsel of meat.
Then what happens? And then, er...
Then the swan comes down.
The swan came down.
So the hawk comes over, right,
it comes up there, there's a person
missing from this story, and it's
the mayor, right, the local mayor.
I can't say it in...
I always struggle.
The mayor.
The mayor! The mayor, right? So.
The mayor is standing next
to a horse.
Yeah. So, the local...
So, the mayor is doing his bit,
but the mayor has got a wig on,
right, the hawk flies over to go
and land on my hand,
but he lands on the mayor's head
so it gets caught up in his,
in his... What shall we call them?
- Talons. - Talons! - Talons.
Gets caught up in the talons
and then in the sort of panic
the bird sort of...and he can't
release this wig and he flies
off and he goes into the tree.
I said, "Why didn't he go for the
meat?" He said, "I genuinely think
the gold chain caught his eye,"
there was a bit of confusion for a
second, and he just did a bit of an
emergency landing on a
mayor's wig at Thames Ditton
fete! What's there not to believe?
At that point, did you cry,
"Oh, no - the mayor's hair's over
there"?
All right, so David's team - is
Keith Bob's classroom prankster,
David's blanked buddy
or Lee's hawk handler.
I was believing Bob until the fact
that he was 18 and the hand lion.
I'm leaning towards David.
I think I'm leaning toward David.
I think, I think it's Bob.
And I think he panicked cos he knew
we were onto him, so he went
on a ridiculous riff about a hand
lion to throw us off the scent.
I'll go Bob,
but I've been wrong before.
- Sarah? - I'm going to go David.
- We'll go David.
- You're saying David. - M'hm.
Keith,
please reveal your true identity.
My name is Keith and, er,
Bob and I recorded voices
and hid the Dictaphone
in the ceiling.
Yes, um... Keith is Bob's
classroom prankster.
I would never have believed
all that stuff about a hand lion
was completely true.
Thanks very much, Keith.
Thank you.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quick-fire Lies, we start with...
BUZZER SOUNDS
It's Sarah Millican.
- Possession.
- Ah, there's a box under your desk.
- Would you pop it on the desk
and then first of all read out
the card that's inside, before you
show us what the possession is.
This is my cat-cam.
I put it around my cat's neck
for a week to film what it got up to
because I believed it was him
who kept turning the kitchen tap on.
OK, let's take this item out
and pop it on the desk.
Right, Lee's team, cat-cam.
So you're saying that the...
You thought the cat might be
- turning the tap on. - Yes.
- we know it wasn't Jon.
So you put the cat-cam on the cat
for how long?
For, well generally, like an hour
at a time, but while I was out.
So the cat's clever enough not to be
turning this tap on when you're in.
Well, yeah, because I would just
see him doing it
and then I would know it was him.
If he could do the tap, were you not
worried that he could turn
the camera off?
LAUGHTER
No, cos the tap's like one of those
ones where that's quite fiddly.
How do you see the picture?
You connect it to a computer?
Yeah, it's just got a USB thing,
yeah.
- I see, OK. - You attach it to the
computer, and how long,
you watch it an hour at a time?
Well, you fast forward it, I'm not
sitting watching.
Oh, just the highlights, you're
doing the highlights. Yeah.
- Go on, the big question is...
- Was it the cat? - Not so far, but
I'm still... It's still sort of...
- Somebody's turning the taps on when
you go out of the house. - It's kind
of a work in progress, so...
When you come...when you come
back... I hope he's not watching,
cos...
- Don't worry, he can turn this off.
- He's turned this off.
Can I ask you a question,
very, just..? Yes.
Why didn't you attach
the camera to the taps?
Oh!
LAUGHTER
Thank you.
What's the name of your cat, Sarah?
He's called Chief Brody.
And the personality,
is he a scratcher?
- He is a scratcher.
- On bits of furniture?
On, arms.
Yeah. Well, that's not so much
of a worry - it's the furniture
is more the thing, isn't it?
- Is it? Thanks. - Can I ask
why you're so worried about the cat
turning the taps on
when you've got something
in your house that's attacking you?
I wouldn't mind if he turned the tap
on if it's scratching my face.
- Well, that's because you're not a cat
lover. - No, but I don't like things
- that scratch.
Well, don't get a cat, then.
- Am I the weirdo here? - Yeah.
- Can we have a show of hands? - Yes.
That's so lovely to hear,
cos usually it's me.
What colour is your cat, Sarah?
Ginger.
Um, pink collar, ginger cat?
Would you?
It's red, it's not pink.
- Would you, pink. - It's red.
Oh, please it's pink.
It's red, shut your face.
Red and ginger, devil's finger.
- What?
- That's what they say. It's true.
No-one says that. Who says that?
- No-one says that, Bob. - They do.
- Is that what your mum used to say?
- And they're still saying it.
So what do you think, Lee?
Is she telling the truth?
What do we think, Bob?
I'm saying it's a lie.
- You're saying it's a lie, David's
saying it's... - Possibly true.
- Well, I'll go lie. - OK, you're saying
lie. Sarah, truth or lie?
It is a...
lie.
Oh!
Yes, it's a lie, Sarah didn't put
a cat-cam on her cat.
Next.
It's David Harewood.
I can balance a bank
note on my nose.
When did you first find this out?
When I was about, um, 13.
Is it flat or is it
sort of like that?
It's on its,
kind of, on its...
- On its edge. - Yes. And I would balance
it on like that.
Straight up? Like that?
- Yes. - On your nose?
- Kind of like that.
So the end of the note
is along your nose there.
- Going upwards? - Yes.
What's your technique for...
cos I imagine the problem
with that is that the note would
immediately fall off.
- Well, I kind of... - What's your
technique for preventing that?
Zen.
Is that a type of glue?
What do you think, David? Does
this have the ring of truth for you?
I don't think it does.
I think it's an odd
mixture of something that would be
impossible
and not that impressive anyway.
So what do you think?
- I think we think it's a lie.
- I think it's a lie.
- Lie. We think it's a lie.
Three of you, all three of you think
it's a lie. OK.
David Harewood, truth or lie?
It is...
true.
Whoa!
Yes, it's true.
Whoa.
You pulled that out at just
the right time for us.
- Cheers, mate. - I might have to...
I have to stand up for this.
- All right, please do. - Here we go.
Take your time, milk it.
Whoa.
APPLAUSE
Very impressive! Yes, it's true.
BUZZER
Oh, and that noise signals time is
up - it's the end of the show
and I can tell you that Lee's team
have triumphed
by three points to two.
SPEECHED COVERED BY APPLAUSE
But, of course, it's not
just a team game
and my individual liar of the week
this week is Bob Mortimer.
APPLAUSE
Yes, Bob Mortimer if you
were looking for an effortless liar
then Bob's your uncle.
At least, he says he's your uncle -
he's probably lying about that, too.
Good night.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd