Workaholics (2011–2017): Season 7, Episode 6 - The Most Dangerless Game - full transcript

Dude, that environmental film
we watched was a mind-blower.

I'm serious when I say
I feel bad for people who haven't seen it.

I feel so sorry for the fools
that aren't even intelligent enough

to follow along with an environmental film.

I mean, and I don't want to get into it,
but you know what it is?

The educational system,

- and I don't want to get into it.
- Yes, I know.

Yo, dudes.

The food truck outside,
the guy dropped a corn dog

on the ground, and then
he gave it to me for free,

and then he only charged me
$2 for the mustard.



Come on, Adam.
Get your head in the game.

We are stocking up for an imminent

earthquake tsunami here.

Except for earthquake tsunamis aren't real.

What is real is a "girthquake punani."

It's a sex move that I made up
when you guys were watching

dumb environmental films.

It goes like this... Comes in, rolls in.

And what, that's your penis?

Yeah, that was my penis.
Now the whole house is shaking.

Now it chills for a second, and aftershock,
aftershock, aftershock.

That is a private moment for your wife.
Stop it.

- Aftershock.
- Educational system at work.

Yeah, what education system, right?



- Exactly.
- My goodness.

Hey, Adam, maybe... Whoa.

I'd be so good at sucking...
What's up?

Adam, next time we're watching
an environmental film,

you may want to come into
the room and, I don't know,

try to follow along.

That is, if you even
have the attention span.

Watch this. Focus of a laser.

Nothing will break this focus.

Absolutely nothing.

- Who wants to play hide-and-seek?
- Okay, I'll hide first.

Close your eyes! Do not look!

- Okay. All right.
- Come on, what are you?

I saved the corn dog.

I'm fresh

You gotta, you gotta
You gotta, gotta

Gotta be fresh

What do you need a new vest for?

What? They're on sale.

They mark it up just to mark it down.
You're still getting robbed.

I'm gonna try it on anyway.

Shh! I'm hiding!

Of course you are, buddy!

No, my... My friend's coming!

- Just...
- Okay, take it easy.

Jeez.

Hey. They spotted me.

Right, yeah, we were definitely
still looking for you.

- Let's get out of here, man.
- Yeah, come on.

No, I'm not gonna go yet, okay?

They... They freaking blew my cover.

So I'm gonna hide again! Start counting.

- Start counting. Go!
- Adam.

- Okay.
- Let's go, dude.

Don't! Turn around.
Do not look where I'm hiding.

Sorry.

Bless his heart.

You... You guys look after him?

I guess.

I mean, he is a little cuckoo,
but... You know.

Yeah, "cuckoo" is a way to put it.
He's insane.

Okay, he's, like, almost split
open his head 100 times.

His brain is, like, scramby eggs up there.

- It's bad.
- Not like we gotta wipe his butt or anything.

Actually, there were the last
three Super Bowls.

Right, and every St. Patrick's Day.
A lot of green... Well, anyway.

Um, my name's Luke Fox,

and my associate
Mr. Barnes and I happen to be

members of a progressive think tank

where we come up with creative
ways to help the less fortunate.

Yeah, we do that in our spare time.

We're both CEOs of Fortune 500 companies
by trade.

Really?

- Yeah.
- Every month we select a brain-damaged teen

or adult to experience
an all-expenses-paid wilderness adventure

at our lodge in Big Bear.

We'd like to invite you guys
and Adam to be our guests.

Yeah, and you better bring your appetites,
'cause we eat breakfast for every meal!

Yeah, we're in! We'd love to do that.
That's really cool.

And I think it will be a terrific experience
for Adam to be exposed to nature.

- And that's...
- Help, help, help, help! Help me!

- Hey, Adam.
- Hey.

How was the car ride?

Did you see any animals?

It was awesome.
I thought I saw a raccoon.

But it was just a plastic bag.

I'm sorry we're late,
because we didn't have any cell service

- so we lost directions.
- Yeah, sorry.

No cell service, but you get used to it.

It helps you unplug and unwind, yeah.

Let me have your car keys,

in case I need to get out the driveway,
go to the store.

That's okay. Just let me know. I'll
move it. It's a little tricky.

Easier if I have your keys.

Might have to take multiple trips.

Hate to run out of pancake mix.

Yeah, yeah, you don't want to
see him when he runs out of mix.

Don't wanna see it! Don't wanna see that.

Give the man your keys, Anders.

Okay, all right.
There you go. Sorry.

Yeah, come on in. We're making breakfast.

- Cool.
- Hey, guys, just remember,

we're about to rub elbows
with some Fortune 500 brothers.

- Ooh!
- Behave.

- Gimme some 'bow skin!
- Rubbing elbows!

Gimme the 'bow! Gimme the 'bow!

Rubbing elbows! Rubbing elbows!

Can we stop doing that?
Unless you ask me to do that.

In which case, can I do that with you guys?

Whoa, this is cool.

- My God. Look at those stairs.
- Look at this stuff.

And who is this gigantic man
taking pictures of me?

I see you've met
the final guest for the weekend.

Gentlemen, this is Jim Raines.

Fresh meat.

"Fresh meat."

ls he... He's fun.

Is that your bathroom? I gotta tinkle.

- I had, like, four...
- Don't open that door!

There's just a little something
in there that we're gonna give you

at the end of the weekend,
and we don't want to spoil the surprise.

I love surprises!

Nearest bathroom is right upstairs.

Okay, time me. Time me! Time me! Time me!

- Are you timing? Ders, time me.
- Gentlemen, please.

- Abso|ute|y.
- P|ease.

- Thank you.
- Very nice.

This place looks like it
cost a billion dollars.

How rich are you?

Okay, Dersy, baby.

Don't be gauche.

What he means is, if there's any secrets
to success you could fill us in with,

you know, business or women-wise.

It is a guy's trip, after all.

Sure. I have one.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

- "Build a door."
- So you're saying,

we should open, like,
a door store or something?

What?

Is that a no? Psych.

Yeah? Yeah.

There are three of them.

Listen, I can't talk right now,

but we might need more bullets
in case they run.

- Everything okay?
- Everything's great.

What was that about the... The bullets?

Sometimes Mr. Barnes organizes hunting
expeditions up here during the week.

I'm sure the call was about that, right?

- That's exactly what it was.
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- Makes sense.

Why don't you go put your gear
down while we prepare lunch?

- Don't you mean breakfast?
- Ha! You remembered!

Of course I did! How could I forget?

I'm telling you guys,
something's not right.

Yeah, dude, I totally agree.

You heard that guy Barnes on the phone.

He said something about bullets,
and then he mentioned "three of them"?

You're being ridiculous.

The weird one probably just
huffed too much paint as a kid.

It happens to the best of us.

Something is definitely up
and I think it has something to do

- with that room they wouldn't let Adam into.
- Yeah, right? What was that?

Dude, don't.

No. I'm going downstairs.
I'm gonna snoop around.

Adam. When are you gonna learn
how to piss and talk at the same time?

You know, honestly, I don't know.

It's been something that
I've been dealin...

My God! Dude! I'm doing it!

- Ders, do you hear it?
- I do hear it.

That's awesome, man. Good for you.

You should've taken the call outside.

You almost ruined the whole weekend.

Relax, they didn't know
what I was talking about.

We gotta water these plants more often.

They look dead.

These new guns you got,
serious firepower.

Probably blow their heads clean off.

Yeah, well, that won't be necessary.

We kill the small one, that's it.

What about the other two?
Might as well.

If we have to.

I'm gonna get more bullets in the garage.

My God.

My God.

We have to get out of here!
They're hunting us for sport!

- What?
- What?

They've got guns, and Adam is the target,

and they'll kill us, too, if they have to.

That's why they invited us here!

No, dude, they invited
us to rub our elbows.

- And to groom us.
- Yeah, exactly.

They're Fortune 500 business dudes,

so why would they ever want to help
some non-Fortune 500 business dudes?

No, no, dude, they hunt the weak.

They drink our blood. They live forever.

- It's pretty cool.
- 500.

Fortune 500.

My God. It's years.

They're vampires.

Life is the greatest fortune.

It's 500 years!

You're right...

Okay, well, I'm gonna say
it's a misunderstanding

- and go get breakfast right now, so... Okay.
- Adam. Adam!

Okay. Hey, you go out there,
you're the breakfast!

There were corpses, cadavers, animals,

hanging everywhere and a little plaque
with your name on it

where his head was supposed to go.

Yeah, one other thing.

Ajar with a human ding-dong in it, dude.

So please stop being
stupid and listen to us.

Wait a second.

How big was the ding-dong?

Massive. Like five inches.

My God, that's why they chose me!

Right, 'cause mine's almost that size.

And then they took your car keys, right?

And I know my phone doesn't have service.

- Does your phone have service?
- None of our phones do.

My phone doesn't have service.
Does your cell phone have service?

- Nope.
- And you said your phone

- doesn't have service, right?
- Phone doesn't work.

- Does your cell phone have service?
- Out of batteries.

And I said my phone doesn't have service,
so what should we do?

- We're gonna get the hell out of here.
- Yup.

Let's pop this window, man.

Come on, let's get out of here.

- Come on!
- Great call, Ders.

- Just lift.
- Okay.

- You, come here.
- Okay.

Okay, that's my...
That's the back of my nuts.

- Okay.
- That's the front of my nuts.

All right. Remember that tree.
That's our landmark.

I definitely want a penis, but I think
I would want, like, both parts, you know?

- Dude, perfect.
- Yes! Yes!

- A body of water.
- Yes!

- Sick.
- Yes, that is...

That is perfect.

Why is it perfect, though?

What do you mean, dude?
This is, like, Survivalist 101.

You get into the water,
they can't track you, okay?

- You disappear.
- Okay, but that water...

It looks disgusting,
so I'm gonna do my own thing.

Adam, you've eaten donuts out of a toilet.

This water's fine.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Yeah, ooh, very soothing.
It's like a spa day.

We just take ourselves a trip
to Bed, Bath, and Bodyworks.

Free sample!

Okay, well, I'm gonna loop around
and I'll see you on the other side.

Enjoy getting water critters
climbing up your binghole, okay?

Okay, all right, whatever, A-dumb.

- Good one.
- Dumb.

It's actually really cold.

You sure there are only three wolves
out there?

That's what the ranger said on the phone.

He said the small one might be rabid.

Sheesh.

Well, we better keep that
to ourselves, guys, okay?

Get this leech off my tongue!

Stop! Told you not to go under the water!

What are you talking about?
You've got leeches on your eyes.

Why didn't you tell me?

- You got one there.
- It was a beautiful walk.

What happened to you two?

What, we just took a couple laps.

Just went swimming. Not a big deal.

Why are you talking like that?

Because Ders ripped a leech off my tongue
and I think I'm catching a cold.

And that's from the pond, the leech?

- No, no, no.
- No, no. That had nothing to do with it.

- Let's go.
- Guys! We got...

Pancakes.

Guys?

Shit.

Whoa, cool! A random house in the woods!

Hey, Adam, no! Don't you get it?

Nothing is random.
This is all part of their plan!

Yeah, man, you go into that cabin,
it is like suicide, dude.

The floor, it opens up,
you fall into a bed of spikes!

You're dead. Fatality-style.

So just stay out here and start a fire

so we can get warm while we think
of a plan to get to safety.

You got matches? You got matches on you?
Check your wet pockets.

Check the barrel.

There's not gonna be any matches
in the barrel...

There are matches right here.

Always check the barrel of the fire pit
for matches to build a fire.

That's, like, the first
place you should look.

Well, how come I have to build the fire,

and I can't come up with a plan?
I can make plans.

Because we just watched
an environmental film

about surviving an emergency,
and you didn't.

Did you? I don't think so.

So just gather some
kindling and make a fire,

if you even know what kindling is.

- Do you even know what kindling is?
- Do you?

Where I grew up, it was little sticks.

You're an idiot, Anders.

And Blake, you bitchassness. Freaking...

Dude, what'd the guy do
in the environmental flick?

Yeah, that's right.

He... He got to higher ground so he
could be spotted by the rescue copter.

Yes, okay. Do that...

What are you doing?

I found an ATV on the side of the house.

- What?
- Are you kidding me?

That's great, man! Where'd you find it?

- Let's get on it! Let's get out of here!
- Hold on, I wasn't finished.

And then I siphoned all the gas out.

So I could start the fire more quickly.

- That was all the gas?
- Yeah, it was most of it.

I swallowed...

- I swallowed a lot of it.
- You buffoon!

I think those guys are right.
I think you do have something

medically wrong with your brain.

- What are you talking about?
- Should we tell him?

Look, the reason we're even on this trip

is because those hunter guys
think you have brain damage!

But we didn't want to tell you about it

because we didn't want to ruin this trip.

- It's a nice, free weekend.
- You're dumb, dude.

It's just what it is.

You guys think that I've been the dumb one

of our group since the startening
of our friendship.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, since then.

I guess this is goodbye.

Hey, Adam, wait.

I just wanted to say... Psych!

My God, keep walking, please.

You're the bully. He's the dummy.
And I'm just cool, I guess.

- Man.
- Speaking of cool.

I have a leech still on my dick.

- That's not cool.
- What do you mean?

- I'm getting my dick sucked.
- Okay. All right!

Maybe I'm the dumb one.

Okay, bye, former friends.
Enjoy your environmental films.

Adam, come on. There isn't any gas.

I know that! I know there's no gas.

And I don't need any.

He's crazy.

You hear that?

We better find these guys
before the wolves do.

Let's go.

Listen.

ATVs. It's just a joke to these guys.

Come on, we got to get to higher ground!

No. Adam is our friend.

If we don't fight back,
there's no way he's surviving this game.

So are you with me?

Fine. Okay.

- Predator shake?
- Yeah.

Wait, yeah. What is that?

I'm so... I don't even know.

Hit me with a beast master.

- That's where I got that.
- Predator, up top.

All right, yeah.

Okay, here they come.

Just hold on pants really tight.

- All right, pull.
- Yeah.

When they drive through,
we knock them off the ATVs.

- All right?
- Yeah.

This is a really smart plan.

What the heck was that?

Yeah!

Looks like the script is flipped.

That's right. Good luck hunting people
without any bullets, boys!

How's this work?

Yeah, it's okay. Keep...
That really...

I think that's it.

Nope, that's not it.

- All right, yep, I'm out.
- I'm all out. I'm all out.

Back to back. Back to back.

What the hell is the matter with you?

Come on, man. We're on to you.

We know all about your sick plan.

Hunting humans just because
they're not as smart as you.

The heck are you talking about,
hunting people?

Come on. The gig is up.

I heard you on the phone saying
"The little one is the target."

And I saw that plaque with Adam's name on it
where his severed head was supposed to go!

We're hunting wolves to protect you!

There were three sighted around here,
and one of them might be rabid.

The plaque is for his picture.

We make one for every guest of honor.

Okay, okay, so even if
this way more plausible

explanation is true,
what's with this guy here?

He has a brain injury from concussions.

He was the first guest of honor here.

Ever since I was in the XFL,

I've been in constant pain...

I'm sorry, did you just say
you were in the XFL?

- My God, dude!
- The XFL is legendary, man!

Did you know He Hate Me?

Did he like you? Would he like me?

He Hate Me loved me, but the point is,

my life has been a constant torment...

What team you were on?
Were you on the Outlaws?

Or were you... Maniax.

You were on the Maniax.
I recognize you.

- You are a maniac.
- Wolves.

You're the Wolves, okay.
Hey, mad respect.

Not necessarily the Maniax.
They were cool.

- Where is that, Duluth?
- No, I think they're from Washington.

No, no, actual wolves.

Look behind you, you morons!

Wolves!

No, no, I don't want to die, man.

I never got to be Deadpool for Halloween.

I was never in a threesome.

At least one that I was allowed
to participate in.

Yah! Ders, you can still have
your threesome, my man.

And Blake, you'll get to do
the thing that you wanna do,

even though I was too far away
to hear exactly what that was.

Here, kitty! Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!

Adam, where'd you get the flare, man?

I got it from the cabin.

I took a shower and I
also ate some peaches.

But while I was eating those peaches,

I thought there's no way

that I can let my friends be killed

by these freaking murderous,
villainous businessmen!

Because not saving your friends,

that really is stupid.

Right, so...

Not actually killer business dudes.
We didn't know. He didn't know.

Come on, man, throw, like, the flare
at the wolves. Make them go away.

Adam... Adam, what are you doing?

- Shh.
- Do not be stupid, okay?

Just listen to the intelligent
people, for once!

There are different kinds
of intelligence, Anders.

There's environmental
film-watching intelligence.

There's artificial intelligence,

and there's the kind
of intelligence that I have.

The knowing that when
you swallow a bunch of gasoline,

it'll turn your puke into fireballs.

Intelligence.

It's worse coming back up.

Okay... Shh...

It's okay, little kitty.

The wolves, they're running away.

You gotta, gotta be fresh

We lied about Adam.

He doesn't actually have
any kind of brain problems but...

- Yeah.
- We wanted a free trip.

So, he's obviously not even
the dumbest guy in our group.

There's no dumb one in your group
because you're all equal fucking idiots.

If we don't get contain this fire,
the whole forest could burn.

Wait. What about that human
penis I saw in the jar?

Shh.

Guys, I have too much money, okay,
and with the Internet, forget about it.

So, safe drive, okay?

Internet's a weird place, man.

I guess if I had, like, a billion dollars,
I might want a dick.

Hey, I think I know
what we could watch on the way home.

I still have it on my phone.

- The environmental film?
- That'd be awesome, dude.

Dude, if you liked Central Intelligence,

you'll love this movie.

It's got Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

He's a... He's a mogul.

- What's it called?
- San Andreas.

I don't understand. What'd he say?

- San Andreas.
- Okay, cool, yeah, yeah.

- Nice.
- Nice.

Footprints, Adam.

Okay, don't we think that this is just

wasting precious time,
that we should keep going?

Okay. Do you wanna live
or do you wanna die?

- Quick test.
- I wanna live.

All right, let's start
acting like it, okay?