Workaholics (2011–2017): Season 7, Episode 5 - Faux Chella - full transcript
In order to impress festival girls, the guys throw their own version of Coachella.
Hello, hello, hello, hello
We're going to the circus
And going to the circus
And play with other little animals
And the big animals...
Yeah! It's over? Okay.
That's really great. Rock on.
The circus
Thank you!
- You freaking rock!
- Yeah!
We're gonna go ahead
and take a real quick smoke break.
- Whoo!
- Whoo! They suck.
- Man, they're bad.
- They're really, really bad.
It's crazy. It's not even music.
Off-tempo, timing.
It's like, where are they going?
I don't even know how they got stage time.
Yeah, it's probably
'cause it's Coachella this weekend,
so, like, no one's here.
It's so much money.
- It's so corporate, you know?
- So expensive.
Instead of, um...
Instead of Coachella,
it should be called Whole-Paycheck-Ella.
Do you guys wanna go to the bathroom?
Hey, actually, um,
there's a music festival
this weekend at our house.
We're... That we're throwing.
And it's called Fauxchella.
Yeah, yeah. That festival.
Fauxchella because there's "fo" stages.
No, no. Well, sure.
And there's a huge band,
that is gonna play.
And that band is...
Third Eye Blind.
Seriously?
- She's obsessed.
- Wait, are you guys serious?
Third Eye Blind
is gonna be at your music festival?
Yeah.
Here... Here, type your info in my phone
- and we will totally roll through...
- I'd love to.
Yeah, yeah! Totally.
This is where I come in.
I'm gonna bare my soul
on stage and Riverdance.
Actually, I'll show you guys
a little sample if you'd like.
- Yeah.
- Absolutely. Hey!
Fade fellas, can I get a
little Irish jig, please?
Cut, cut, cut!
- Wedgie!
- Whoa!
- Pull it down, please, Ders!
- That's funny.
'My gosh.
- Ol'I, yeah?
Don't look! Don't look.
Just doing what you asked, pal.
This next song
goes out to Blake Henderson.
How many times a day do you wish
That you had a bigger dick?
- Seven.
- Seven.
One, two, three
Four, five, six, and seven
I'm fresh
You gotta, you gotta
You gotta, gotta
Gotta be fresh
- Very good, very good.
- All right.
- Ders, we're starting with the comedy, okay?
- Yeah.
And I don't want you to be nervous
that you're gonna bomb.
- Yeah, okay, I'm not.
- Okay, but if you are,
I did download this cool little,
like, applause app
that will...
sweeten the laughter if you need it.
Not gonna need it.
It's the girls.
They are saying they are coming,
but only if Third Eye Blind is here.
- So is Third Eye confirmed?
- Yeah.
- More or less, they are.
- Yes.
Yeah, I emailed their Hotmail account
and I got a reply, like, right away,
from this dude named Mailer Daemon.
I think it's their, like,
French manager or something.
Hey, dude, can you
text them something for me?
.!»
"The Lord of the Riverdance
has been a-practicing
- "and he's ready to..."
- Shut up, Blake.
- Yeah, shut up.
- He's not gonna text them that.
You know why?
Because women don't respond to that.
In fact, it makes their
vaginas just swell shut.
- Okay?
- I know that, I know that.
It's like you don't like
- sideboob...
- I love that.
- Or under-butt.
- I love that even more.
Best of all, the underboob.
- Underneath the boob.
- Where it hangs out down here.
So if you could do me a favor
and please get real!
And act real, Blake!
- All right.
- It's joke time.
It's joke time.
I don't know why you're being sad.
Blake, what's the deal, man?
I thought I asked for prosciutto.
Welcome to...
FauxcheHa!
You guys ready to laugh today?
I can't hear you!
Okay, when l say, laugh,” You say, ”Ter.”
Laugh.
Ter.
When l say, ”Comed,” you say,
Comed.
- Y.
- Now we're cooking with gas!
Let's give it up for the one
and only comedian
you're gonna see this afternoon,
the great dog-father of comedy,
Anders Holmvik!
Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo1!
You know it! You know it!
Let me hear my dogs!
My motherfucking Rancho Cucamonga dogs!
Me and the boys went out last night.
You ever notice how
a Chihuahua looks like your boy
who just woke up on the couch
all hungover like...
”Hey, man, you got any water?”
Love my dogs. l got a dog.
I got a Doberman pinscher.
I walk it every day. l
took it out the other day
just to take a dookie, right.
You know how dogs look at you like this...
When they're taking a dookie?
And now I look at his butthole
to see what's coming out,
just to check the dookie,
and make sure my dog is healthy
'cause I care about my dogs, right?
And l look down, and l
see a tapeworm like...
And I'm like, "What?"
And he looks at me like,
”You gonna get that?
You gonna pick that up?"
And l look right back
at that motherfucker like,
”Not today, motherfucker!”
Whoo!
[ain't fucking with no tapeworms!
You know what?
Just a minute, I'll be right back.
Be sure to check out the t-shirts
at the merch table.
They are on fleek. Be right back.
And then, after the storm subsided,
the drops of rain on the river
looked as if they were dancing.
Well, enough of my talking.
What do you say we get
into some Riverdancing?
- No!
- What? Hey!
- You will never Riverdance!
- Let me go!
- Not on this stage!
- Stop it!
- I will...
- It's okay. Stand back.
- Hey, hey, hey, Blake!
- Do it!
You wanna dance, that's fine.
You just better make it a rain dance.
What are... What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Ho, ho!
Are you fucking crazy?
Put it out! Put it out!
You want me to put it out?
What are you doing?
On, God.
Mews AND ADAM Yam
Okay, mine's gonna start in a second.
- Stop!
- You got this.
I'll kick your
dick head off, you idiot.
- That's right, man.
- You freaking psychos! I hate you!
- Hey! You, give me that beer.
- I hate you, Adam DeMamp.
- Whoo! Whoo!
- I hate you.
- Anders Holmvik, I hate you.
- Ooh!
- I'm all done.
- This will never be forgiven.
- I'm really dribbling.
- We just didn't want you to embarrass us
in front of those three girls
we just met and decided to throw
an entire musical festival for.
Is that too much to ask?
I'm calling my uncle.
And he's gonna come here,
and he's gonna beat both your asses.
No. Suddenly, you got a scary uncle
- who's gonna beat us up?
- "I'm Blake's uncle,
"and I'm here to fight for him."
You keep laughing with your mouth open,
he's gonna stick his fist down your throat!
As long as he doesn't Riverdance on me,
I think we're good.
Whatever.
You don't have to worry about Riverdancing.
He's gonna buttfuck you and you.
Hello and welcome to...
The Body Stage!
Where I will be performing
feats of strength and skill
by clean-and-jerking
four gallons of lead-based paint
without spilling a single drop.
Ooh! That was cool, right?
That was... We're laughing?
That was funny?
For my next feat, I shall husk this corn
using nothing but my butt cheeks.
Flex them like a...
- You Adam?
- Yeah.
- You Ders?
- Yeah.
Okay, well, welcome to Fauxchella.
Weird parking spot,
but if you wanna stand over there,
you can watch me make dinner
with nothing but my b-hole.
Excuse me, I was...
This is for Blake.
Yeah! Yeah!
Blake, no! Hey!
Sir!
Standing ovation!
I just... Wanted to...
I didn't like that.
Now that is entertainment, isn't it?
- I didn't like that.
- Uncle Mike! What is up?
What's it been, like, 10, 15...
Like, 25 years?
I don't know, you're not
in my life at all, really.
What the hell is wrong with you?
You gotta call someone else
to handle your shit?
Okay, come on, just Hender hug, man.
- Whoa! Okay!
- Ls that a man thong?
What? No, it's a dance belt! That's a...
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
- Lower back...
- Now get out of here
and don't come back
till you knock me on my ass.
I think he popped a butt cheek.
Insurance.
It hurts even to
get the wallet out, doesn't it?
- There we go.
- Our bottoms were paddled
- by this man's...
- Shut up.
- Idiot uncle...
- Yeah.
- Smarter than you.
- And, they're sore, they hurt.
We think we ruptured something.
- Yeah, no, it's really severe.
- It is.
It is pretty bad, yep!
Was it bad?
And my thong is just...
My dance belt's
getting swallowed up by my cheeks.
Pull your damn pants up!
- Sorry!
- You're not the doctor?
You see, I'm very worried
that my inner butthole may be dead
because the... What's the...
ls it the sphincter?
- Yeah.
- It's the mouth, the butt-mouth.
Yeah, the butt-mouth
isn't really puckering the way it should.
Okay, let's get you a room.
- Sorry.
- Man, I've been waiting here for six hours!
Well, they have insurance. You don't.
What you want me to say?
Does that guy have
a sandwich baggie full of his fingers?
He'll be all right.
Well, I hope you're happy, Blake.
We're probably gonna
miss the festival girls, so...
See you later, sideboob.
See you later, underboob.
See you later, under-butt.
I just wanted to dance, damn it.
Would you do me a favor
and go fuck yourself?
God damn it! Why are you such a bully?
- Both of you!
- Give it a rest!
You bullied us into bullying you.
Did I? Why don't you bully this?
- Hey!
- That's a...
Don't you do it!
You got me right in the buttocks.
You want...
Hold him down! Hold him down!
Now he's a bloody mess.
Dance kick!
- Help!
- You stop it!
- Why don't you stop it?
- Help!
- Get your balls off me.
- Sorry about that.
- l...
- What's going on, man?
Do you need some medicine
or, like, a surgery or something?
If you guys are done grab-assing, you can
grab my ass and take me to the toilet.
Yeah!
We're gonna help him to the toilet...
- That's funny.
- Wait, are you serious?
There you go, give them hell!
Yeah. Wait a second.
Are you sure
you don't want some privacy?
When I overheard you boys fighting,
it reminded me of my best friend, Luke.
He spent his whole life
wanting to be the host of a cooking show
and I told him, "Julia Child you ain't."
Which threw him into a TaleSpin audition.
He had done a ton of these
cartoon voice-over jobs,
and he hated it.
Anyway, he blew his brains out.
Hey, sir, are you sure that your friend
specifically killed himself
because you didn't encourage him
to pursue his dreams?
- That's...
- Yes.
In fact, he wrote a long letter,
telling me it was all my fault.
- My God.
- I carry it with me wherever I go.
Okay, shut up real quick
because I have an idea.
What if Blake blows his brains out
- just because he didn't do what he loves?
- Well...
- Because we made fun of him so much.
- My God.
- That's why I told you...
- Shut up, real quick.
Life's too short to not do what you love.
Fortunately for me, I've kind of already
done everything I wanted to do with my life.
Yeah, I mean, same here.
I mean, I've had anal.
- What?
- I've done... I've done anal to someone.
That's not what you said, though.
Look, what I'm trying to say is, Blake,
lam sorry for not letting you do
what you wanna do, which was dancing.
And for me, which,
that would be the anal that I had,
- when that occurred.
- Right, right.
Okay, shut up. Shut up. Just real quick.
Blake, when we go back to Fauxchella,
you gotta dance, my man.
Or something cooler than that.
- Yeah. Anything.
- Anything cooler than that.
- Shut up.
- Okay.
- Shut up.
- Okay.
- Okay, shutting up.
- Because that apology feels so good.
It's like a warm blanket over me.
And I wanna go home,
and I wanna save this music festival
that we threw for three
lucky, random ladies
that we met for, like, 10 minutes
- at the bar the other day.
- If that.
- Let's do this for them!
- Wait a minute, wait, wait!
- There's no toilet paper.
- Shut up!
Wait...
Thank you, Luke.
Yo, what up, Fauxchella?
We are Fade Up Fade Out Bye-Bye.
- So, like, bonjou r!
- Bonjou r!
Bonjour, bonjour
Bonjour, bonjour
Pardonnez-moi
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
Hello again...
Stop!
Merci
- Stop!
- What? Whoa.
The fuck is this?
That's a guiro, sir.
I don't like this song. I don't like you.
And I definitely don't like this guiro.
Okay.
So break it.
You cannot ask me to do this right now.
I'm playing in front of six people.
- I'm not asking, Nancy.
- Dude, this is so fucked up.
This is my grandma's guiro, man.
She just got it from Mexico,
and I don't know when she's going back!
Do it!
Now who's next? Mr. Bassist Man?
Yeah, I'll break it. I'll break it.
Hey.
- Yours isn't that bad.
- Hey, how's it going?
Wow. I don't know.
I just feel bad leaving these people
in this horrible place.
- Yeah. Let's go.
- Dude.
Third Eye Blind will definitely
wanna play the show
if there's all these sick people there.
Bands love benefits.
I'm gonna email Mailer Daemon real quick.
- That's brilliant.
- Thank you.
Hey, hey, guys? We are from Make-A-Wish!
Yep.
Can we go to Pizza Hut with Cameron Diaz?
Um...
We can do...
Kick it
What the hell is this?
Well, this is Fauxchella.
It's our response to Coachella.
I thought you said
you were from Make-A-Wish.
Make-A-Wish-Of-Ours.
You probably didn't hear
that second part, "Of-Ours",
because you're old.
What we will do,
is we'll make our dream
be that your dream is to see Third
Eye Blind. Later, probably.
Can we at least go rollerblading
with Cameron Diaz?
- She loves action sports.
- Lady!
- Please.
- Nobody gives a shit
about Cameron Diaz.
Hey, you made it! What's up?
What are you guys wearing?
This is just festival gear.
You've heard of under-butt, right?
- We got full butt.
- Whoa! Full butt.
Wow.
So, where's, Shannon?
It's Hannon.
It's Hannon, right? ls she parking?
Yeah, no.
But my mom and stepdad,
super excited to see
Third Eye Blind, though.
Jumper was the song we got married to.
Tom was going through some stuff.
There were several suicide attempts.
But Tina and Megan pulled me through.
That's why she likes Third Eye.
So what time do they go on?
Third Eye Blind?
Well, we don't know that exactly,
but they just posted this lnstagram picture
of them kicking it poolside.
That looks like a...
It looks like a kid's birthday party.
- Yeah, well.
- Because there are some children there.
That's cool, though.
You know, family time for busy musicians.
They need it, too, you know?
And I've been emailing
their manager Mailer Daemon.
Mailer-daemon?
Well, that is not his name.
It's Mailer Daemon.
It's mailer-daemon, and it means
that your email didn't go through,
dumb-ass!
- Guys, I really need to hear them.
- Give us a couple seconds,
and we're gonna go talk, send some emails,
- and, be right back!
- Everything's fine. Everything's fine.
Guys, I hate to admit it,
but I think I was blind to the fact
- that Third Eye Blind's not coming.
- You heard what he said.
All we gotta do
is just Drunk History this thing.
I love that show!
- Man! Come on!
- What is that? What's going on?
My God, you're such a dickhead!
Break them, now!
No!
- Hey!
- Look who decided to come back.
You ready for me to knock
you on your ass, Uncle Mike?
- Yes!
- Yeah! Get him, beezer! Whoo!
- He's not actually gonna do it, right?
- No.
- It's gonna be a dumb metaphorical thing?
- Yeah.
- Got it.
- Okay, Raggedy Andy.
- Let's see what you got.
- Okay, whoa, whoa!
Hey, no, no.
No. That's not how
I'm knocking you on your ass.
- Called it.
- Okay? Shut up.
All right, I'm gonna knock you on your ass
in the sense of the saying.
It's a play on words.
Yeah, "Knock him on his ass"
is how the saying goes!
Thank you! Now there's a friend.
- Ls that a saying?
- Not where I grew up.
Not where I grew up, either.
- Where'd you grow up?
- Omaha.
Hey, everybody, we're
about to do something very cool.
But first, l just wanted to say one thing
to Megan's stepdad.
You came here because you said
you wanted to hear Third Eye Blind.
Well,
here you go.
- Okay.
- Here it is.
I wish you would step back
From that ledge, my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand...
What the fuck is this?
Yeah!
Boo!
Can you put the past away?
Wish you would step back
From that ledge, my friend
I would understand
wish you would step back
From that ledge, my friend
I would understand
wish you would step back
From that ledge, my friend
And I would understand
wish you would step back
From that ledge, my friend
I would understand
wish you would step back
From that ledge, my friend
I would understand
You gotta
Gotta be fresh
Thank you.
My God.
Uncle Mike, are you okay?
I get micromanaged at work.
I can't figure out the
stupid computer system.
- I get no respect.
- That sucks. Where do you work?
- Hertz.
- You work at Hertz rental car?
No, I said, "It hurts."
I work at Budget.
The other day I promised the same
Chevy Cruze to five different people.
Janet yelled at me in front of everyone.
- Fuck Janet.
- Would you forgive me?
Of course. But, hey,
you have to admit, I
knocked you on your ass.
Yeah, emotionally,
you knocked me on my ass.
- Right.
- HeH, yeah.
Okay! Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Not really, he didn't really
knock him on his ass.
- Good!
- Kinda. Emotionally, he did.
Hey, thanks for having my back, guys.
We just did what you said to do,
- but this time in a nice way, you know?
- Yeah.
Can I get a ride back to the hospital?
I think I'm going into shock.
We tend to have that effect on people.
- Yeah.
- He's serious.
- My God.
- Okay, okay.
- He's actually really, really heavy.
- Bite down on this, sir.
- Whoo.
- Honestly, you guys are better than Third Eye.
- Thank you!
- I felt that!
Hey, check it out.
This dude really knows how to party?
I haven't touched the stuff in years,
but I feel good!
Hey, you think
your daughter's into us, or what?
Yeah, what about Hannon?
They suck.
So does my life.
Hey, honey!
- Hey, Dad.
- You dare me to jump?
No, no, no, no.
- Third time's the charm!
- Let's go.
I think we got another roommate?
Nice.
Come on!
Never ever have I once
Wished for a bigger dick
In my life
We're going to the circus
And going to the circus
And play with other little animals
And the big animals...
Yeah! It's over? Okay.
That's really great. Rock on.
The circus
Thank you!
- You freaking rock!
- Yeah!
We're gonna go ahead
and take a real quick smoke break.
- Whoo!
- Whoo! They suck.
- Man, they're bad.
- They're really, really bad.
It's crazy. It's not even music.
Off-tempo, timing.
It's like, where are they going?
I don't even know how they got stage time.
Yeah, it's probably
'cause it's Coachella this weekend,
so, like, no one's here.
It's so much money.
- It's so corporate, you know?
- So expensive.
Instead of, um...
Instead of Coachella,
it should be called Whole-Paycheck-Ella.
Do you guys wanna go to the bathroom?
Hey, actually, um,
there's a music festival
this weekend at our house.
We're... That we're throwing.
And it's called Fauxchella.
Yeah, yeah. That festival.
Fauxchella because there's "fo" stages.
No, no. Well, sure.
And there's a huge band,
that is gonna play.
And that band is...
Third Eye Blind.
Seriously?
- She's obsessed.
- Wait, are you guys serious?
Third Eye Blind
is gonna be at your music festival?
Yeah.
Here... Here, type your info in my phone
- and we will totally roll through...
- I'd love to.
Yeah, yeah! Totally.
This is where I come in.
I'm gonna bare my soul
on stage and Riverdance.
Actually, I'll show you guys
a little sample if you'd like.
- Yeah.
- Absolutely. Hey!
Fade fellas, can I get a
little Irish jig, please?
Cut, cut, cut!
- Wedgie!
- Whoa!
- Pull it down, please, Ders!
- That's funny.
'My gosh.
- Ol'I, yeah?
Don't look! Don't look.
Just doing what you asked, pal.
This next song
goes out to Blake Henderson.
How many times a day do you wish
That you had a bigger dick?
- Seven.
- Seven.
One, two, three
Four, five, six, and seven
I'm fresh
You gotta, you gotta
You gotta, gotta
Gotta be fresh
- Very good, very good.
- All right.
- Ders, we're starting with the comedy, okay?
- Yeah.
And I don't want you to be nervous
that you're gonna bomb.
- Yeah, okay, I'm not.
- Okay, but if you are,
I did download this cool little,
like, applause app
that will...
sweeten the laughter if you need it.
Not gonna need it.
It's the girls.
They are saying they are coming,
but only if Third Eye Blind is here.
- So is Third Eye confirmed?
- Yeah.
- More or less, they are.
- Yes.
Yeah, I emailed their Hotmail account
and I got a reply, like, right away,
from this dude named Mailer Daemon.
I think it's their, like,
French manager or something.
Hey, dude, can you
text them something for me?
.!»
"The Lord of the Riverdance
has been a-practicing
- "and he's ready to..."
- Shut up, Blake.
- Yeah, shut up.
- He's not gonna text them that.
You know why?
Because women don't respond to that.
In fact, it makes their
vaginas just swell shut.
- Okay?
- I know that, I know that.
It's like you don't like
- sideboob...
- I love that.
- Or under-butt.
- I love that even more.
Best of all, the underboob.
- Underneath the boob.
- Where it hangs out down here.
So if you could do me a favor
and please get real!
And act real, Blake!
- All right.
- It's joke time.
It's joke time.
I don't know why you're being sad.
Blake, what's the deal, man?
I thought I asked for prosciutto.
Welcome to...
FauxcheHa!
You guys ready to laugh today?
I can't hear you!
Okay, when l say, laugh,” You say, ”Ter.”
Laugh.
Ter.
When l say, ”Comed,” you say,
Comed.
- Y.
- Now we're cooking with gas!
Let's give it up for the one
and only comedian
you're gonna see this afternoon,
the great dog-father of comedy,
Anders Holmvik!
Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo1!
You know it! You know it!
Let me hear my dogs!
My motherfucking Rancho Cucamonga dogs!
Me and the boys went out last night.
You ever notice how
a Chihuahua looks like your boy
who just woke up on the couch
all hungover like...
”Hey, man, you got any water?”
Love my dogs. l got a dog.
I got a Doberman pinscher.
I walk it every day. l
took it out the other day
just to take a dookie, right.
You know how dogs look at you like this...
When they're taking a dookie?
And now I look at his butthole
to see what's coming out,
just to check the dookie,
and make sure my dog is healthy
'cause I care about my dogs, right?
And l look down, and l
see a tapeworm like...
And I'm like, "What?"
And he looks at me like,
”You gonna get that?
You gonna pick that up?"
And l look right back
at that motherfucker like,
”Not today, motherfucker!”
Whoo!
[ain't fucking with no tapeworms!
You know what?
Just a minute, I'll be right back.
Be sure to check out the t-shirts
at the merch table.
They are on fleek. Be right back.
And then, after the storm subsided,
the drops of rain on the river
looked as if they were dancing.
Well, enough of my talking.
What do you say we get
into some Riverdancing?
- No!
- What? Hey!
- You will never Riverdance!
- Let me go!
- Not on this stage!
- Stop it!
- I will...
- It's okay. Stand back.
- Hey, hey, hey, Blake!
- Do it!
You wanna dance, that's fine.
You just better make it a rain dance.
What are... What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Ho, ho!
Are you fucking crazy?
Put it out! Put it out!
You want me to put it out?
What are you doing?
On, God.
Mews AND ADAM Yam
Okay, mine's gonna start in a second.
- Stop!
- You got this.
I'll kick your
dick head off, you idiot.
- That's right, man.
- You freaking psychos! I hate you!
- Hey! You, give me that beer.
- I hate you, Adam DeMamp.
- Whoo! Whoo!
- I hate you.
- Anders Holmvik, I hate you.
- Ooh!
- I'm all done.
- This will never be forgiven.
- I'm really dribbling.
- We just didn't want you to embarrass us
in front of those three girls
we just met and decided to throw
an entire musical festival for.
Is that too much to ask?
I'm calling my uncle.
And he's gonna come here,
and he's gonna beat both your asses.
No. Suddenly, you got a scary uncle
- who's gonna beat us up?
- "I'm Blake's uncle,
"and I'm here to fight for him."
You keep laughing with your mouth open,
he's gonna stick his fist down your throat!
As long as he doesn't Riverdance on me,
I think we're good.
Whatever.
You don't have to worry about Riverdancing.
He's gonna buttfuck you and you.
Hello and welcome to...
The Body Stage!
Where I will be performing
feats of strength and skill
by clean-and-jerking
four gallons of lead-based paint
without spilling a single drop.
Ooh! That was cool, right?
That was... We're laughing?
That was funny?
For my next feat, I shall husk this corn
using nothing but my butt cheeks.
Flex them like a...
- You Adam?
- Yeah.
- You Ders?
- Yeah.
Okay, well, welcome to Fauxchella.
Weird parking spot,
but if you wanna stand over there,
you can watch me make dinner
with nothing but my b-hole.
Excuse me, I was...
This is for Blake.
Yeah! Yeah!
Blake, no! Hey!
Sir!
Standing ovation!
I just... Wanted to...
I didn't like that.
Now that is entertainment, isn't it?
- I didn't like that.
- Uncle Mike! What is up?
What's it been, like, 10, 15...
Like, 25 years?
I don't know, you're not
in my life at all, really.
What the hell is wrong with you?
You gotta call someone else
to handle your shit?
Okay, come on, just Hender hug, man.
- Whoa! Okay!
- Ls that a man thong?
What? No, it's a dance belt! That's a...
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
- Lower back...
- Now get out of here
and don't come back
till you knock me on my ass.
I think he popped a butt cheek.
Insurance.
It hurts even to
get the wallet out, doesn't it?
- There we go.
- Our bottoms were paddled
- by this man's...
- Shut up.
- Idiot uncle...
- Yeah.
- Smarter than you.
- And, they're sore, they hurt.
We think we ruptured something.
- Yeah, no, it's really severe.
- It is.
It is pretty bad, yep!
Was it bad?
And my thong is just...
My dance belt's
getting swallowed up by my cheeks.
Pull your damn pants up!
- Sorry!
- You're not the doctor?
You see, I'm very worried
that my inner butthole may be dead
because the... What's the...
ls it the sphincter?
- Yeah.
- It's the mouth, the butt-mouth.
Yeah, the butt-mouth
isn't really puckering the way it should.
Okay, let's get you a room.
- Sorry.
- Man, I've been waiting here for six hours!
Well, they have insurance. You don't.
What you want me to say?
Does that guy have
a sandwich baggie full of his fingers?
He'll be all right.
Well, I hope you're happy, Blake.
We're probably gonna
miss the festival girls, so...
See you later, sideboob.
See you later, underboob.
See you later, under-butt.
I just wanted to dance, damn it.
Would you do me a favor
and go fuck yourself?
God damn it! Why are you such a bully?
- Both of you!
- Give it a rest!
You bullied us into bullying you.
Did I? Why don't you bully this?
- Hey!
- That's a...
Don't you do it!
You got me right in the buttocks.
You want...
Hold him down! Hold him down!
Now he's a bloody mess.
Dance kick!
- Help!
- You stop it!
- Why don't you stop it?
- Help!
- Get your balls off me.
- Sorry about that.
- l...
- What's going on, man?
Do you need some medicine
or, like, a surgery or something?
If you guys are done grab-assing, you can
grab my ass and take me to the toilet.
Yeah!
We're gonna help him to the toilet...
- That's funny.
- Wait, are you serious?
There you go, give them hell!
Yeah. Wait a second.
Are you sure
you don't want some privacy?
When I overheard you boys fighting,
it reminded me of my best friend, Luke.
He spent his whole life
wanting to be the host of a cooking show
and I told him, "Julia Child you ain't."
Which threw him into a TaleSpin audition.
He had done a ton of these
cartoon voice-over jobs,
and he hated it.
Anyway, he blew his brains out.
Hey, sir, are you sure that your friend
specifically killed himself
because you didn't encourage him
to pursue his dreams?
- That's...
- Yes.
In fact, he wrote a long letter,
telling me it was all my fault.
- My God.
- I carry it with me wherever I go.
Okay, shut up real quick
because I have an idea.
What if Blake blows his brains out
- just because he didn't do what he loves?
- Well...
- Because we made fun of him so much.
- My God.
- That's why I told you...
- Shut up, real quick.
Life's too short to not do what you love.
Fortunately for me, I've kind of already
done everything I wanted to do with my life.
Yeah, I mean, same here.
I mean, I've had anal.
- What?
- I've done... I've done anal to someone.
That's not what you said, though.
Look, what I'm trying to say is, Blake,
lam sorry for not letting you do
what you wanna do, which was dancing.
And for me, which,
that would be the anal that I had,
- when that occurred.
- Right, right.
Okay, shut up. Shut up. Just real quick.
Blake, when we go back to Fauxchella,
you gotta dance, my man.
Or something cooler than that.
- Yeah. Anything.
- Anything cooler than that.
- Shut up.
- Okay.
- Shut up.
- Okay.
- Okay, shutting up.
- Because that apology feels so good.
It's like a warm blanket over me.
And I wanna go home,
and I wanna save this music festival
that we threw for three
lucky, random ladies
that we met for, like, 10 minutes
- at the bar the other day.
- If that.
- Let's do this for them!
- Wait a minute, wait, wait!
- There's no toilet paper.
- Shut up!
Wait...
Thank you, Luke.
Yo, what up, Fauxchella?
We are Fade Up Fade Out Bye-Bye.
- So, like, bonjou r!
- Bonjou r!
Bonjour, bonjour
Bonjour, bonjour
Pardonnez-moi
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
Hello again...
Stop!
Merci
- Stop!
- What? Whoa.
The fuck is this?
That's a guiro, sir.
I don't like this song. I don't like you.
And I definitely don't like this guiro.
Okay.
So break it.
You cannot ask me to do this right now.
I'm playing in front of six people.
- I'm not asking, Nancy.
- Dude, this is so fucked up.
This is my grandma's guiro, man.
She just got it from Mexico,
and I don't know when she's going back!
Do it!
Now who's next? Mr. Bassist Man?
Yeah, I'll break it. I'll break it.
Hey.
- Yours isn't that bad.
- Hey, how's it going?
Wow. I don't know.
I just feel bad leaving these people
in this horrible place.
- Yeah. Let's go.
- Dude.
Third Eye Blind will definitely
wanna play the show
if there's all these sick people there.
Bands love benefits.
I'm gonna email Mailer Daemon real quick.
- That's brilliant.
- Thank you.
Hey, hey, guys? We are from Make-A-Wish!
Yep.
Can we go to Pizza Hut with Cameron Diaz?
Um...
We can do...
Kick it
What the hell is this?
Well, this is Fauxchella.
It's our response to Coachella.
I thought you said
you were from Make-A-Wish.
Make-A-Wish-Of-Ours.
You probably didn't hear
that second part, "Of-Ours",
because you're old.
What we will do,
is we'll make our dream
be that your dream is to see Third
Eye Blind. Later, probably.
Can we at least go rollerblading
with Cameron Diaz?
- She loves action sports.
- Lady!
- Please.
- Nobody gives a shit
about Cameron Diaz.
Hey, you made it! What's up?
What are you guys wearing?
This is just festival gear.
You've heard of under-butt, right?
- We got full butt.
- Whoa! Full butt.
Wow.
So, where's, Shannon?
It's Hannon.
It's Hannon, right? ls she parking?
Yeah, no.
But my mom and stepdad,
super excited to see
Third Eye Blind, though.
Jumper was the song we got married to.
Tom was going through some stuff.
There were several suicide attempts.
But Tina and Megan pulled me through.
That's why she likes Third Eye.
So what time do they go on?
Third Eye Blind?
Well, we don't know that exactly,
but they just posted this lnstagram picture
of them kicking it poolside.
That looks like a...
It looks like a kid's birthday party.
- Yeah, well.
- Because there are some children there.
That's cool, though.
You know, family time for busy musicians.
They need it, too, you know?
And I've been emailing
their manager Mailer Daemon.
Mailer-daemon?
Well, that is not his name.
It's Mailer Daemon.
It's mailer-daemon, and it means
that your email didn't go through,
dumb-ass!
- Guys, I really need to hear them.
- Give us a couple seconds,
and we're gonna go talk, send some emails,
- and, be right back!
- Everything's fine. Everything's fine.
Guys, I hate to admit it,
but I think I was blind to the fact
- that Third Eye Blind's not coming.
- You heard what he said.
All we gotta do
is just Drunk History this thing.
I love that show!
- Man! Come on!
- What is that? What's going on?
My God, you're such a dickhead!
Break them, now!
No!
- Hey!
- Look who decided to come back.
You ready for me to knock
you on your ass, Uncle Mike?
- Yes!
- Yeah! Get him, beezer! Whoo!
- He's not actually gonna do it, right?
- No.
- It's gonna be a dumb metaphorical thing?
- Yeah.
- Got it.
- Okay, Raggedy Andy.
- Let's see what you got.
- Okay, whoa, whoa!
Hey, no, no.
No. That's not how
I'm knocking you on your ass.
- Called it.
- Okay? Shut up.
All right, I'm gonna knock you on your ass
in the sense of the saying.
It's a play on words.
Yeah, "Knock him on his ass"
is how the saying goes!
Thank you! Now there's a friend.
- Ls that a saying?
- Not where I grew up.
Not where I grew up, either.
- Where'd you grow up?
- Omaha.
Hey, everybody, we're
about to do something very cool.
But first, l just wanted to say one thing
to Megan's stepdad.
You came here because you said
you wanted to hear Third Eye Blind.
Well,
here you go.
- Okay.
- Here it is.
I wish you would step back
From that ledge, my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand...
What the fuck is this?
Yeah!
Boo!
Can you put the past away?
Wish you would step back
From that ledge, my friend
I would understand
wish you would step back
From that ledge, my friend
I would understand
wish you would step back
From that ledge, my friend
And I would understand
wish you would step back
From that ledge, my friend
I would understand
wish you would step back
From that ledge, my friend
I would understand
You gotta
Gotta be fresh
Thank you.
My God.
Uncle Mike, are you okay?
I get micromanaged at work.
I can't figure out the
stupid computer system.
- I get no respect.
- That sucks. Where do you work?
- Hertz.
- You work at Hertz rental car?
No, I said, "It hurts."
I work at Budget.
The other day I promised the same
Chevy Cruze to five different people.
Janet yelled at me in front of everyone.
- Fuck Janet.
- Would you forgive me?
Of course. But, hey,
you have to admit, I
knocked you on your ass.
Yeah, emotionally,
you knocked me on my ass.
- Right.
- HeH, yeah.
Okay! Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Not really, he didn't really
knock him on his ass.
- Good!
- Kinda. Emotionally, he did.
Hey, thanks for having my back, guys.
We just did what you said to do,
- but this time in a nice way, you know?
- Yeah.
Can I get a ride back to the hospital?
I think I'm going into shock.
We tend to have that effect on people.
- Yeah.
- He's serious.
- My God.
- Okay, okay.
- He's actually really, really heavy.
- Bite down on this, sir.
- Whoo.
- Honestly, you guys are better than Third Eye.
- Thank you!
- I felt that!
Hey, check it out.
This dude really knows how to party?
I haven't touched the stuff in years,
but I feel good!
Hey, you think
your daughter's into us, or what?
Yeah, what about Hannon?
They suck.
So does my life.
Hey, honey!
- Hey, Dad.
- You dare me to jump?
No, no, no, no.
- Third time's the charm!
- Let's go.
I think we got another roommate?
Nice.
Come on!
Never ever have I once
Wished for a bigger dick
In my life