Wizards of Waverly Place (2007–2012): Season 2, Episode 10 - Baby Cupid - full transcript

This is the best video game ever.

- Jab, jab, jab... roundhouse!
- Backflip!

[both] Jab! - Hey!
How many times have I told you guys

- to keep video games video?
- I told them and I told them, Dad.

Sword!

Oh! That is not what they mean by "
slashing prices."

Cool swords. Let me try.

Wow, you look nice, Dad.

I didn't even know you had a suit.

I don't. Kick, kick, nose pull.

Well, that suit does fit
you a little tight...



Hey, that's my suit!

That reminds me. Justin,
I need to borrow your suit.

I'm taking your mother out to
dinner for our anniversary.

Oh. Did you get her a card?
Because while Mom's reading it,

you can slip the
waiter your coupon.

My lamp! What is going on in here?

Yeah. What is going on in here?

I thought we had a
rule about wizardry.

The random magic in this house
is getting on my nerves.

How many times does this lamp have to
break for you guys to get the message?

If the message is, "Ugly lamps are
easy to break," I think we got it.

Your mother's right.

We have to be more
considerate of someone

who doesn't understand
the temptations of magic.



Doesn't understand? Wait,
are you trying to make this my problem?

[all] Oh!

No. I was just saying that...
there... What was I saying?

Uh, what Dad is saying is that we
should accept each other for who we are.

Kind of like Dad did
when he married you.

Yeah. I was a wizard at the time,
and it was a big decision for me.

Oh. I'm sorry, Jerry. I had no idea it was
such a big decision for you to marry me.

[all] Oh!

No! It wasn't a big decision.
It was more of an impulse.

No. Impulse is not helping.

Let me know how your
anniversary dinner turns out.

[all] Oh!

* Well, you know everything's
gonna be a breeze *

* That the end will no doubt
justify the means *

* You can fix any problem with the
slightest of ease Yes, please *

* You might find out it'll
go to your head *

* When you write a report on a
book you never read *

* With the snap of your fingers
you can make your bed *

* That's what I said *

* Everything is not
what it seems *

* When you can get all you wanted
in your wildest dreams *

* You might run into trouble
if you go to extremes *

* Because everything is
not what it seems *

* Everything is not
what it seems *

* When you can have what you want
by the simplest of means *

* Be careful not to mess with
the balance of things *

* Because everything is not *

* What it seems *

Listen up, because of
your magic run amok,

I have to go out and get some
"I'm sorry" gifts for your mother.

[scoffs] Dad, come on!

Mom's really easy.

Why don't you just rub her feet?
That's what I do.

Oh! That's just weird.

Really? 'Cause I
don't have a bedtime.

I'm not gonna rub her feet.

That crooked toe
just freaks me out.

Your mom will be fine once I buy
her some of her favorite things.

Ooh! I know what you
should get her. - You do?

Peach lip gloss and skull
and bones press-on-nails.

That's what you want.
You're no help.

Dad can relax. I went on the
World Wide WizWeb this morning

and ordered Cupid to come
shoot Mom with a love arrow.

You ordered Cupid?! Oh,
that makes perfect sense.

Mom's mad that we're
using magic in the house.

So, naturally, you bring
more magic into the house.

Oh, brilliant.

OK, OK. Everybody stop yelling.
I'll cancel the Cupid order.

When people are right,
it doesn't mean they're yelling.

You can't cancel Cupid
once he's been ordered.

You'd know if you took it upon yourself
to read ahead, like a good student does.

Oh, did you read about the
recipe for wizard punch? - No.

- Good, I just made it.
- Ow!

Oh, wizard punch.
I'll bet that's delicious.

Well, you've got a problem.
When Cupid gets here,

he isn't gonna leave until
he fulfills his order.

[Cupid] Yep. Your brother's right.

So who's the lucky guy or gal...
or thing? I don't judge.

Oh, look. It's a baby with wings.
And a carrying handle.

Back off. It's a sash, genius.

Oh, this kid is gonna need me
when he grows up. I can just tell.

Look, Mr. Cupid,
I ordered you by mistake.

And, um, we really don't
need your services,

- so if you could go back...
- Save it, sweetheart.

I can't go anywhere until your
mom gets an arrow in the keister.

OK, fine. Just shoot Mom in the
keister and get out of here.

Hey, look, it's bendy!

No, it's not.

You broke my arrow!

You have more arrows, right?

I'm a baby! I'm barely
allowed to have this one!

[Cupid] Hey, hey, hey!

Don't leave me in here!
I'm afraid to be alone!

OK, we've got to keep Cupid hidden
from Mom until we fix the arrow.

- We? I don't think so.
- Hey!

If she sees him, she'll blame me.

Then I'll figure out a way to blame you.
We're all in this together.

Come on, I'm always
saying dumb stuff.

Our marriage is based on us ignoring each
other's flaws. I ignore all of yours.

[all] Oh!

What are you guys up to?

Uh, not magic, that's for sure.

Yeah, Mom, 'cause you know me. I always
tell you when these guys mess around with
magic.

Always.

- Is he gonna tell her?
- Sh!

- Tell me what?
- [Cupid crying]

Uh... about Max's
terrible stomach ache.

His really, really bad
stomach ache. - [crying]

In fact, there's a new
virus going around.

- The Influ cupidosa.
- Subtle.

- I panicked!
- Oh, mijito!

Come on, let's go upstairs. I'll make you
some of Grandma's tree bark and fish oil
tea.

[sobbing] You...

What are we gonna do now?
We still have Cupid.

You said, "we." You're
officially in. Awesome!

Every time.

OK. Mom's still upstairs.

I made extra tree bark and
fish oil tea. Who wants some?

Maybe later.

Oh, goodness!

Uh...

What are you doing,
playing in the dirty dishes?

Bad baby!

Hi. Do you watching my little
brother for one second?

Oh! Cute baby!

[scoffs] Sure, the baby's cute.
But look at me, Mom. I'm way cuter.

Hi, Alex. Look what I
knitted for Justin.

Oh! That's interesting.

And it smells like shampoo.

It's a sweater entirely
made of my hair. - Oh!

- Feel how soft it is.
- Uh...

I take your word for it.

He's upstairs with Max,
trying to fix Cupid's arrow.

OK. Thanks. Notice how I didn't
react when you said Cupid?

It's my way of acting cool with
having a wizard as a best friend,

even though I'm
freaking out inside.

Kind of like how I didn't freak
out when you said, "hair sweater."

Thank you for watching him.

There. Good as new.

Now, Cupid can shoot Mom,
she'll love Dad and then go home.

Know what? We are
really good at this!

We should open up Cupid's
Arrow Repair Shop.

There's only one Cupid.
He has only one arrow.

Oh, yeah. Good point.

We should also sell burgers.
Babies love burgers.

Hi, guys. Justin,
what do you think of this?

Um, it's kind of nice. Ooh!

It's really soft, too.

Great, because I knitted it for you
from my own hair. It's 100 percent me!

Oh...

I know. You don't
have to say anything.

[laughs] Look, Harper,
I know you've had a crush, obsession,

on me for a really long time,

but I think it's about that time I
was completely honest with you...

Harper, I am never,
ever, ever going to...

[gasps] Ah!

...love you more
than I do right now.

Uh-oh.

Oh, Justin. This is the
best day of my life!

I should've made you a
hair sweater years ago.

I would've been happier
and warmer if you had.

Max! What did you do?

Maybe Dad's right.
I shouldn't have a BB gun.

How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth
and breadth... Oh!

This'll be more romantic with
the sweater on. - Uh, Harper.

Look, I hate to burst
your bubble here,

but Justin's only acting like that because
Max just shot him with Cupid's love arrow.

Gosh, I guess you're right.

It's not real love if it comes
from his butt and not his heart.

Mi amor, let's go for a carriage
ride around Central Park.

But I don't care!

- Where's your mother?
- Ah, Father. Thank you.

For my lady love.

Oh, yes!

Why is he acting like
he's in love with Harper?

What are you doing with an arrow?
And why are you holding a baby?

Love... Arrow... Baby...
That's Cupid!

To solve a problem that started
because you used magic?

Yeah. That's kind of what I do.

- What's that?
- Um... a baby.

Hold still, or the baby gets it.

Who's the baby? Oh! I'm the baby!

OK, Alex. Why do you have a baby?

Uh... It's a baby... doll...

...from my Marriage
and Family class. Yes.

- [Cupid burps]
- Excuse me.

You know what, Alex? I think it's good
you're taking Marriage and Family.

You're never too young to learn
how to get along with someone

who makes it very difficult
to get along with.

You are so right, Mom.
I'm gonna take this doll up to my room

and think of ways for Dad
to appreciate you more.

Wait a minute. Isn't your open
house at school this Friday?

I want to meet your
Marriage and Family teacher.

[both] Why?

I have some personal
stories to share

about what marriage and
family life are like

once you get past the pretty
pictures in bridal magazines.

I fixed it! - Oh! Maxy, I told you,
don't play with arrows.

They're dangerous, honey.

Someone could get stuck with
this and then where would we be?

Closer to the end of our problem.

Phew! That was close.

Uh... you don't really have
Marriage and Family class, do you?

I love how you know me.

I want to get a drink
of water, Justy.

I only thirst for you, Harpy.

Does that meanou
don't want any water?

No. I want water, too.
We should share everything.

Ah, the waters of love.

Hey, Justin. Missed you
at Alien Language League.

[speaks alien language] You
know what I'm sayin'? [laughs]

I'm sorry, Zeke. I'm done
with your childish things.

- I've found love.
- [laughs] With who?

With me! Hello? Arm?
He's wearing my hair.

Yeah, dude, what's
up with that sweater?

You look like the floor
of a barber shop.

Zeke, you've insulted
my woman's honor.

We will settle this like gentlemen:

Water balloon fight at 30 paces.

I can't throw 30 paces.

That's 'cause you throw like a...
[alien language]

I do not throw like
a [alien language]

Hey, everybody! There's gonna
be a fight outside! Over me!

OK, my little Marriage
and Family folk.

I hope you can rope your
noggins around today's lesson:

Smart Shopping with Coupons.

There's no better way to get more
bang for your buck than with...

[Cupid crying] I'm bored!

Shh!

Who's that back in the south 40? Alex Russo,
you are not in this class.

No, Mr. Laritate, I'm not.

But it's always been my
dream to be in this class.

And I think a dedicated teacher like you
would want to help me realize my dreams.

[sniffs]

I smell someone trying to
sell me some cow patty.

Come on. I really
want be in this class.

I even brought my own pretend baby.

Which is huge, because anybody who
knows me knows I never come prepared.

Look, Miss Russo,
I'm always partial to enthusiasm,

but the train's already pulled
out of the station on this one.

We did that assignment last month.

But Mr. Laritate, how can you
say no to this little guy?

[buzzing]

What? Bad baby! No!

I gave it a shot.

A shaving baby doll?

They've officially run out of toys.

Ma chérie.

[French accent] A quiet tête a
tête over a romantic dinner.

Thanks, but it's only 3:
30 in the afternoon.

[chuckles] It's never
too early for romance.

Bubbly a la orange?

Justin, the French thing
is nice but a little corny.

You're right! I must go learn the
new language of love for you,

which is... Cantonese.

Come on, Albert. Let's go learn it.

Thank goodness you're here.
I thought my dream had come true,

but Justin won't let me out of his sight.
He's got his arm around me so much

that my shoulder is starting to
smell like his armpit. Here, smell.

Ah! No need. I'm not
gonna fight you on that.

I don't think I can
live like this forever.

[Cupid] Forever? No.

Love from my arrow
is only temporary.

Wait! This is temporary?
Why didn't you tell me that?

I'm a baby. I forget things.

Hey, look! I got a
belly button. [laughs]

Dad, bad news. I couldn't get
into Marriage and Family class.

It's OK. I think your mom forgot

about talking to your
teacher at open house.

Oh, that's right.
Tonight is your open house.

Thanks for reminding me, Jerry.

Yeah, thanks for
reminding her, Dad.

I fixed it!

Max, what did I tell you
about playing with arrows?

Oh, sorry.

Harper!

What are you doing down there?

Bring it in.

You're never gonna believe this,

but I signed up for scrapbooking.

And I made one about us.
Check it out!

Justin, you're taking all the fun out of
my unrequited, twisted obsession for you.

Leave me alone! I'm the one who makes
the scrapbooks in this relationship!

Harper!

Hey, Justin. [speaks
alien language] Harper!

[all laugh]

What? I don't [alien
language] Harper!

Ah! No, no,
no! Zeke! Guys! Wait up!

[alien language]

Thers my Justin.

And you used to "da-ca" me.

Dad, where's Mom? You were
supposed to keep an eye on her

so she wouldn't go to my class.

- I lost her by the cupcakes.
- Dad, cupcakes?

All right. I got
lost in the cupcakes.

- Where's Max?
- I...

I sent him to wood shop so
he could fix Cupid's arrow.

Let's go.

...which is why I tell
your ducklings that...

Oh, no. Mom beat us here.

...from the rooster's
crow to the coyote's howl.

- [laughter]
- You got that right, partner.

Even raising the inconsiderate
rooster is a job.

Mrs. Russo? Why are you here?

I had thoughts on
marriage and family

which you might find interesting.

Yeah, but your daughter isn't in...

Theresa, why don't we come back en Mr.
Laritate has more time to talk.

Here's an article about
how difficult it can be

when two very different people get married
and now they're afraid their mother was
right.

I fixed it!

What took you so long?

Oh, would you just...

OK, this is it.

Cupid, it's time to save the
day with a perfect shot at Mom.

Take the shot! Go!

Oh, just shoot!

Oh, no. What did you do?

[Cupid] Hey, kid,
did you balance the arrow

- after you fixed it?
- Yeah.

It felt heavy on one side,
so I took the decorations off.

You have the most beautiful eyes.
What color are they?

Um... thank you.
eye brown, I think.

Yeah, they're definitely brown.

Great. Thanks a lot, Cupid.

Now, I'm gonna have to start
calling that old lady Mom.

I am not rubbing her feet.

[Cupid] Relax. Look over there.

Only to take you back to
the rest home, black eyes!

My eyes aren't black. - Keep flirting
with my husband and you'll get there.

[Cupid] You know,
sometimes jealousy

works better than a love arrow.

Well, Mom and Dad didn't get back together
the way I thought, but this will work.

Come on, Mom. Let's go hear my PE teacher
tell you how I hate to run. It'll be fun.

You're mine. Don't you forget that.

So, you want to tell me, he's not going to
leave until I get shot in the butt with an
arrow?

[all] Yeah, that's right.

I really hate magic. Give me that.

Ow!

Oh! I love you guys.

[Cupid] Works for me.