Wiseguy (1987–2009): Season 3, Episode 17 - His Master's Voice - full transcript
- [Man] Tonight on Wiseguy.
- Murder!
Murder!
- Stem's completely lost it.
I want you to take charge
of the investigation, Kozak.
- All right, then
we do it my way.
- Perhaps a freewheeling
discussion on how
our town works will help
you get to the bottom
of this tragedy.
- I'd like that very much.
- And maybe if we have
time, we could see a movie.
- [Daniel] You got a
serial killer there, Frank.
I just hope you're
not ridin' with him.
- Cocoa?
(dramatic music)
(screaming)
("Wiseguy Theme" by Mike Post)
- [Man] Previously on Wiseguy.
- Wake up, Lynchboro.
Lynch Kovak's comin' to town.
Get out!
- [Man] Ah!
Ah!
- Back off!
I'll beat your damn heads in.
- Am I gonna find out something
you don't want me to know?
- Probably.
- He's a cop.
He was the best
backup I ever had.
- [Man] You wanna get
back into uniform?
Welcome to the sheriff's
office, Deputy.
- They bought it.
You're inside.
- What's going on?
- He was gonna shoot ya.
- Were you going
to shoot me, Bobby?
- Yes, sir.
- Get him out of here.
Get rid of him.
- Why are you givin' him to me?
- 'Cause Volchek told
me to get rid of 'em.
- What am I gonna do with 'em?
- Keep him out of Lynchboro.
- Why?
What are you gonna do?
- I'm gonna get close to Volchek
and I don't have a lot of time.
- Eh.
What's this?
- It's Bobby.
You told me to get rid of 'em.
- Ew!
To get rid of
somebody means to me
to remove them from
my personal space.
To you it obviously means
something different.
- Mmm.
- Let's say if I want
somebody to no longer
be here as in the expiration
of their mortal existence.
You understand what I'm saying?
- Yeah.
You mean dead.
- Shh.
We won't use that word.
The word we'll use is ah...
Marek.
If I say to you we'll
let Marek handle this,
it'll mean, you
know, like Bobby.
- Marek.
- Marek.
It's a name in the movie.
- Ah.
- You'll come and watch it.
- Yeah, sure.
- Thank you, Deputy Kozak.
- Okay, okay.
- And ah, no more Marek.
- Yeah.
- Limitations are given
to us by our leaders.
By accepting them our
life is made better.
Remember that it was only
through the efforts of Moses
that the Israelites
reached the promised land.
In the desert the Israelites
recognized their limitations,
their need to be led,
so that they could reach
the land of milk and honey.
(man coughing in background)
If I might digress,
I noticed that the newest
member of the community
is finally with us today.
(man coughing in background)
And as the Israelites
welcomed the hairy Hittite
to their bosom, let us
welcome Vinnie Kozak.
(organ music)
All rise.
- Page 41, Vinnie.
♪ Shall we gather at the river
♪ Where bright angel
feet have trod ♪
♪ With its crystal
tide forever ♪
♪ Flowing by the throne of God
♪ Yes, we'll gather
at the river ♪
- Well, I guess it's back
to the old speed trap, huh?
- No work today, Vinnie.
Today's the slug fest.
- Slug fest.
♪ With the saints at the river
♪ That flows by
the throne of God ♪
(punches smacking)
♪ Yes, we'll gather
at the river ♪
♪ The beautiful, the
beautiful river ♪
♪ Gather with the
saints at the river ♪
- Come on, Rev.
Bless 'em and let 'em rip.
- Boys, you know as well as I do
that we can't start without,
well, here we go.
- [Man] Hey.
Yeah, let's get
this trouble goin'.
(punches smacking)
- Welcome to the
Sunday slug fest.
Our champion, of course,
is still Mike Sweeney
from the Shaven's
Disposal Department.
(men cheering and applauding)
And our challenger is
young Donny Wallavick.
- [Man] (laughing) That's
the challenger, oh!
(men applauding)
- Your day, Donny.
Make the most of it.
- Thank you, sir.
- [Man] Come on, Sweeney!
- [Man] Come on, Sweeney!
- [Man] Let's go, baby.
Make it quick.
- Hit hard, boys.
And watch the good
things happen.
(men cheering)
(punches smacking)
(grunting)
(men cheering and jeering)
- He's doin' worse than me.
- What the hell's
the matter with you?
(punches smacking)
(men cheering and jeering)
(punch smacking)
(men jeering)
(crowd applauding)
- Donny, Donny.
Stay down, stay down.
You can't beat 'em.
Just stay out of it.
(grunting)
(punches smacking)
(grunting)
(crowd jeering)
(crowd applauding)
He's gonna kill him.
- This is a right
of passage, Vincent.
He has to become a man.
(men jeering)
(punch smacking)
(grunting)
(crowd applauding)
(crowd jeering)
- [Man] Come on, Donny.
- [Man] Take him out, Donny.
(punch smacking)
- [Man] Hey, get 'em
now, get 'em now.
Come on, baby.
(punch smacking)
- [Man] Stay down, man.
Stay down.
- [Man] Stay down, Donny.
(punch smacking)
(grunting)
- [Man] Hit him one more time.
- That's it.
That is enough!
- I'll tell you enough.
- That's enough!
(punch smacking)
- Kozak!
I want to speak with
you immediately.
- Come on, Donny.
Come on.
Get up.
Come on, let's go.
(platform whirring)
- Reverend Adams,
when Sweeney recovers,
take him over to
the Corvette Club
and make sure he gets the
Sunday special, on me.
Stemmer, take it from here.
- Meal time, boys.
Let's eat!
- Kozak.
Kozak!
Get away from that boy and
get back to the office.
Get Donny and bring
him to me immediately.
- I didn't want Kozy to help.
He did it on his own.
- I like him, Donny.
I really like him.
But I'm afraid of what I might
say to him at this moment.
Walk with me.
- You've got to let
me try it again.
Please, I wanna fight Sweeney
without Kozak stoppin' it.
If you don't go through
slug fest, you're not a man.
I'm sorry.
- Donny, it's not a matter
of contrition or repentance.
It's a matter of attrition.
The grinding down of friction.
Or as in this case the bare
knuckles of the slug fest,
so that I am able
to retire the boy
and introduce the man,
the deputy, the happy citizen.
And as a result, when the
town sees you in uniform,
they'll know you've earned it
and the respect it deserves.
- But for now I'm a disgrace.
- Of course, Donny,
but I promise you,
I'll get you another
shot at getting pounded.
Faster than you can
say Jack Dempsey,
we'll have that one eye looking
just like the other one.
Now grab yourself
some me time, Donny,
and come on back
and have some lunch.
Yes, sir.
By this time next Sunday,
we're gonna have you
standing on Main Street
in a pair of dark glasses
and a cane and a cup.
- Oh no.
- Donny, what is it?
- Oh no.
(soft dramatic music)
- Red, get Stemmer!
Jeff, give him a hand.
(soft dramatic music)
Stem, help Donny!
- My pals.
Those are my pals.
Someone stole them like
a thief in the night.
- Attitude, Stem, attitude!
Get them out of there.
A quick prayer.
Men, for two of our finest.
- Murder.
Murder!
Murder!
Murder!
Murder! (sobbing)
Murder! (sobbing)
Oh, my boys.
Murder!
(dog barking in background)
Last time we were together we,
we shared a plug
of Red Indian chew,
and talked about
going to Copenhagen.
- They were fine men, Stem.
- They were good dancers, too.
- Stem's completely lost it.
(man vomiting)
This is a quiet,
little town, Vince.
Nothing, and I mean
nothing happens here.
Tranquility is my
silent partner.
I want you to take charge
of the investigation, Kozak.
- Oh yeah?
- Now's the time for
initiative, Vince.
I'll make it worth your while.
- All right, then
we do it my way.
- All right, but no Marek.
At least I don't want
to know about it.
Deal?
- All right, the
first thing we do is
get these bodies on ice
until your forensics
department can
take a look at 'em.
Then we'll drag the river.
- You think we've got a
forensic department here?
Right now all I got
is a local meat locker
and a bridge troll for sheriff.
- All right, then we need
to bring in an expert.
- Forget it.
- And the next thing we need
is a federal investigator.
- Fed?
What the hell?
- You think you're
the only guy that has
somebody in their pocket?
I got this friend.
(sighing)
- Vincent.
(car doors slamming)
- Look at it this way.
How long you think
Rogo's gonna let you
handle this by yourself?
This case is a
loudmouth's paradise.
He's gonna have outside
help here in hours.
(sobbing)
- Oh no!
No! No!
(sobbing)
- Frank.
We got trouble here.
- 0h, swell.
Give me the highlights.
- Two dead cops.
- [Frank] You're kiddin'.
- Those are the guys
that have been missin'
for a couple of weeks.
- I'm on my way.
You need anything?
- Bring me a
forensic pathologist.
- Something finally went
wrong in a big way, Mark.
What are you gonna do?
- Lower your voice, Rogo.
- What do you mean
lower my voice?
I think we all should
hear what you're gonna do.
- It's a case of what
should we all do, isn't it?
I mean, tragedy
is indiscriminate.
You of all people,
Rogo, should know that.
- That's right.
Act like you're in control.
- Stem's way too
close to all this.
I've placed Deputy
Kozak in charge.
- Mark, these two are cops.
We need the state
to investigate this.
- He's right.
We need outside help.
- I agree.
But why rely on the
state when we can have
a federal investigator?
(sighing)
- All right, listen up.
A forensics expert
and a federal investigator
will be here in a few hours.
Cops will not allow other
cops to be murdered.
Now please go home
and let us carry on
with our investigation.
I said go home!
Now go on, move!
- An 18-year-old boy vanishes.
Two bodies mysteriously appear.
What the hell's goin' on?
- Stay calm, damn it.
- Why should I?
- Because hysteria
is contagious.
I'm putting you on the
bench for this one, Stem.
Vince is gonna quarterback
the investigation.
- But the situation,
the particular--
- You're out on
thin ice and you are
jumping up and down.
Take some time, Stem.
Relax.
So, you're a man
of medicine, Krall.
Krall.
- Whenever the master says
do this thing, I do it.
Whatever the thing may be.
(dramatic music)
Call for the robin red
breast and the wren.
Since o'er shady
groves they hover.
And with leaves and flowers
do cover the friendless
bodies of unburied men.
(scoffing)
(soft acoustic guitar music)
- What a waste.
(electronic beeping)
- Yeah.
- [Stem] Donny.
Donny, is Mark there?
- Yeah, he's right here.
- What?
- Kozak's fed has arrived
at the meat locker.
You want me to--
- No.
I want to talk to
this man alone.
You stick with Kozak.
Pace is on pal, Donny.
(soft dramatic music)
(horse hooves clomping)
- Mr. Volchek?
- Yes.
How'd you know?
- Oh, just a wild guess.
I'm Frank McPike.
I have the forensics men inside.
It's nice to meet you.
Hello, Rizzo.
Say hello to Mr. Volchek.
- Hello.
- So how's it goin'?
- Looks pretty cut
and dried, Frank.
Gonna have to take him
back to Portland, though.
- Portland?
That's impossible.
I want this thing done now!
Mr. McPike.
(sighing)
Kozak assured me you
knew the parameters here.
I was told you had
an arrangement.
- And a murder's a murder,
and I'm a federal officer.
The bodies have to be
dealt with by the book.
- But the book doesn't have
to leave the library, does it?
Let's just call it
a reference book.
You can study it as
long as you want.
Just don't take it
from the reading room.
- I still have a job to do.
- I've got a town on the
edge of hysteria, Mr. McPike.
Don't rattle cages when
sleep is what they need.
- Questions still
have to be asked.
- I shall gather the
worried at a friendly place
and quell their darkest fears.
I want nothing to disturb
the tranquility of my town.
(horse neighing)
- Hi-ho, Silver.
- Everything wrong with this
town has to do with Volchek.
And everybody knows it.
- What exactly is it
that's wrong, Rogo?
100% employment?
Swell schools?
Free cable TV?
No.
What I think everybody
knows is wrong is you.
- Now Volchek is ultimately
responsible for the murders.
- Well, that's speculation.
I need evidence.
What would be his motive?
- I'm tellin' you, you can't
do this by the numbers.
I mean, there's not gonna
be a Colonel Mustard
in the library with a wrench.
Right, Stem?
You want a motive?
Control.
You want a murder weapon?
This whole bloody town.
- And I'm tellin' you
that's not good enough.
- He's nuts.
Sits in that empty house,
watchin' that same
terrible movie
over and over and over again.
- Mmm-hmm.
Bad taste in film is
not a criminal offense.
- Yeah, well just wait
till you've seen it.
- The two dead men.
They were practically
Volchek's bodyguards.
You check what they
really did for a livin'.
- They were duly
appointed deputies
in charge of the peace
in this community.
If Mr. Volchek sought
their help in regards
to various industries--
- Stem, you're turnin'
into an old whore.
- If you weren't a cripple I,
I'd mop the floor with you.
- Just like old
times, huh, Stem?
Only Volchek's not around
to give you a hand, huh?
Go on, Stem.
Take a shot.
- You, you pee wit.
- Something is
terribly wrong here.
The whole town's scared.
Go see for yourself.
Something is unraveling
delightfully.
- [Vince] Let's go over
to the Tree Top Inn.
Let's find Volchek.
- Stem, one more thing.
I know those two
were your buddies.
And I know how much you
must be hurtin' inside.
I'm sorry.
- I appreciate
everyone's concern.
These deaths are tragic.
But please, folks.
There's nothing to worry about.
Rick.
- Uh, Mr. Volchek.
We're all scared.
I mean, heck, Tesla
was a big, strong guy.
And now Stem is saying
somebody killed him?
- Here they are, folks.
The men of the hour.
Allow me to introduce Frank
McPike, federal investigator.
- Are, are you really a dick?
- Federal investigator.
(applauding)
- Yes, sir.
A federal investigator.
I am going to take
care of this, folks.
Just like my father
did when you all
needed health insurance, hmm.
Just like his father did during
the Thanksgiving Day
mining collapse of '31.
The key here is to cooperate
fully with Mr. McPike.
And in the meantime,
concentrate on the good
things of our town.
We all have jobs.
We don't lock our doors.
And our kids love to sing.
- Well, he's pretty smart.
I thought you said
he was insane.
- Just wait till
you visit Gorslava.
- The best thing
for all of you to do
is to get some sleep.
Max, Max.
Break out some brandy
and give us all
a little warm up
for our journey.
- You bet, Mr. Volchek.
- Kozak, get back to
the office and wait for
the forensics report.
- That's a good idea.
- Now Mr. McPike.
May I invite you up to
my house for a nightcap?
Perhaps a freewheeling
discussion on how
our town works will
help you get to
the bottom of this tragedy.
- I'd like that very much.
- And maybe if we have
time, we could see a movie.
- A movie?
(engine revving)
You do know these
road pretty well, huh?
- Just like the town,
the mine, the mill.
They're my responsibility,
my product.
I've been in the family
for almost a century.
- Lived here your whole life?
- I will always live here.
(phone ringing)
You have reached the
wheels of Gorslava.
- [Daniel] Can I
talk to Frank McPike?
- Whom may I say is calling?
- This is his superior.
Put him on.
- He's right here.
Go ahead.
- It's procedure.
McPike.
- Can you talk?
- Sure, go ahead.
I'm right here with Mr. Volchek.
- Those two deputies.
They drowned after being
bound with 20-pound cord.
- Is it about my men?
- Please.
- They were rendered
unconscious by a shot
from a stun gun to
the base of the skull.
They gun had apparently
been lethally modified.
Well, I ran this through
the computer, Frank.
And a number of
large bells went off.
I mean the Big Ben type.
- Keep going.
- The MO, it matches the
murders of eight girls
in the Portland area.
You got a serial
killer there, Frank.
The stun gun killer to be exact.
(sighing)
I just hope you're
not ridin' with him.
(soft dramatic music)
(engine revving)
- [Woman] Suggesting that
you have no time for love?
- There have been
no others, Maude.
(roller skates clanking)
- [Woman] You must be
tired from your trip.
- Cocoa?
(clearing throat)
- Thank you.
- [Woman] In the meantime
Krall will show you
to your chambers so that
you may refresh yourself.
I will ring for him.
- May father raised
the most beautiful,
delicate orchids.
Very difficult.
He had to keep them at the
same precise temperature.
Parcel out moisture
most carefully.
And above all, protect them from
the slightest
draft from outside.
- Hell of a job.
- I practice my
passion on the town.
My own little hot house flower.
I've made it into a
colorful, tremulous orchid.
So similar to what
my father did,
but I think more beautiful.
- Well, congratulations.
- Do you know much
about orchids?
What makes them so beautiful is
that they require a
specialized pollination
because of a twisted ovary.
- Are you saying?
- Poor Sir Robert.
- [Mark and Krall] Here
are your chambers, sir.
I trust you will find
things to your liking.
If not--
- [Mark and Robert]
Well, I'm sure I will.
Oh, the maidservant.
I must treat the leech
punctures on her face.
- [Mark and Krall] She's
resting, sir, as you advised.
I've taken the liberty
of painting her face
with hot compresses and
a disinfectant tincture.
- [Mark and Robert]
Oh, excellent.
So you're a man of
medicine, Krall?
- [Mark and Krall] I am
a man of all works, sir.
When my master says Krall, do
this thing, I do this thing,
whenever it may be.
- [Mark and Robert]
Oh, most commendable.
- [Mark and Krall]
Thank you, sir.
(soft dramatic music)
(pager beeping)
- Uh, excuse me.
I have to use your phone.
- Shall I mute Sir Robert?
- Uh, sure, please.
And do you suppose
that I might have
another cup of cocoa?
- Most certainly, sir.
(laughing)
(door clicking)
(phone ringing)
- Hey Uncle, what's up?
- Frank, all hell is
about to break lose.
There's a 40-man stun
gun killer task force
heading your way
and they could be
there as early as
tomorrow morning.
- All right, it'll
blow Vince's cover.
You tell 'em he's
gotta get out of here.
- Yeah, yeah, I tried to, but
he's convinced it's Volchek.
He's headin' up there right
now to move in for the kill.
- He's on his way up here?
- Yeah, and he's got the sheriff
and a woman named
Lacey with him.
I tried to stop him,
Frank, but I couldn't.
I'm sorry.
- All right, Uncle, thank
you, I appreciate it.
- There are many of
the little feathers,
all most eager to
know you better.
They will cover you
from your face down
the whole length of you.
All the way down to your toes.
- No!
No, you wouldn't.
You wouldn't do that, Krall!
- [Krall] Yes, yes, yes.
- [Woman] No!
(evil laughing)
No!
No!
No!
Ah!
- Do you like the leeches?
- Stop! Stop!
I'll tell you, I'll tell you!
- [Stem] Your man
doesn't like surprises.
- Your deputies
drowned after they were
tied together with
20-pound nylon cord
and shocked into
unconsciousness with a stun gun.
The MO matches that
of a serial killer
who is sought after
in five states,
including Washington.
So Lacey, who likes
to get weird down at
the Corvette Club?
- I don't think that's
any of your business.
- All right, look.
Now I need some
straight answers here.
There's eight women dead.
There's eight brutal murders.
Now you drop the riddles, honey.
Who likes it rough?
- Lynchboro's strictly
missionary position, Bill.
I got two zebra costumes
the Carleson twins
use on Valentine's Day.
(Stem laughing)
And the Reverend
Adams likes to come in
every two weeks dressed
in a leather tux
and wants to be called Wolfy.
That's about it.
- Well what about Volchek?
- He's not weird.
Just very selective.
- All right, all right.
Of the people that use
you or should use you,
who doesn't?
- You mean besides you?
- Yeah, besides me.
- I don't gamble, either.
- Mmm-hmm.
(engine starting)
- Grave robbing.
You know, both my
father and grandfather
are here at Gorslava.
- I should plan a picnic.
- More cocoa?
- [Frank] No, please.
- Why don't we stop
this right here.
- We got a problem here.
- Has there been a
break in the case?
- Those two deputies
were whacked
by a serial killer.
Eight girls from
here to Portland
were killed in the same way.
Now there's gonna
be a task force
of 40 up here in the morning.
- I gotta get back to
the sheriff's office
so I can hook up
with Portland OCB.
- And whatever you
got goin' here,
you better tidy it up.
- Well, first...
We've got to think
of the hospital.
- How could this
affect the hospital?
- Has your gyroscope been
so completely altered
that you can't grasp priorities?
Gentlemen, I suggest we talk.
- We don't have time to talk.
- Hold on a minute, Frank.
- This affair is going
to generate nothing
but bad publicity
for our community.
It will affect plans
for my hospital.
I'm afraid I'm going
to have to insist
that we take this investigation
slowly and quietly.
- You don't ask
federal agents to go
slowly and quietly.
- Don't ever tell Mr. Volchek
what he can or can't do.
- Oh brother, I'm
going back to town.
Vinnie, I need a ride.
(door slamming)
- Get the cop in the
pocket back in your pants.
(laughing)
Initiative.
Strong arm initiative.
(door slamming)
I've really gotta
think about this.
I've really got to
think about this.
(door slamming)
Everything is
teetering on the edge.
The hospital.
The culmination
of decades of work.
The instrument of my dreams
now fast becoming
another kingly fantasy.
I won't stand for it!
I simply will not
have it die this way.
Absolutely no one to turn to.
40 men tomorrow morning.
It has to be dealt with tonight.
I don't mind saying
that you certainly
are a very big part of
the problem, Stemmer!
And the dance solo
in three feet of water
with two dead men really
didn't help the situation.
No, not at all.
Not at all.
On the other hand,
you've come about as far
as a human doorstop could go.
You should consider
yourself a success.
Well say something, Stemmer!
Say something!
- I, I'm sorry.
- You're sorry.
Well, in lieu of the
parachute, here's a hanky.
No.
No, task force won't do at all.
Not at all.
My family's immortality
is going down the toilet.
And you say you're sorry.
(soft dramatic music)
What to do?
What to do?
- [Daniel] Frank,
are you intending to
leave Vinnie in play?
- No, I agree with you, Uncle.
Vinnie's out of here before the
task force arrives tomorrow.
- They all fan out
from Lynchboro.
There's no way you can
blow that task force off.
- Mr. McPike.
I have some bad news.
- VCR broke?
- I'm taking over
this investigation.
This is a local matter, it
should be handled locally.
- You can't bully the federal
government, Mr. Volchek.
- Dammit, this is my town!
I know it by heart!
You see?
A local matter.
I can't wait for the task force.
By then the news will
be all over town.
The tranquility of this
community will be gone,
maybe forever.
- Maybe that's good.
- Forever's a long time.
I know that firsthand.
- Don't play God, Mr. Volchek.
- I have to!
I have to!
Without me everything
will crumble!
Melt!
McPike, you've gotta
give me a shot.
- Now what could you
possibly do in one evening?
- I'll tell you what.
We were three and
seven my senior year.
Volchek was all-state.
What more do you need?
- Shut up, Stem.
What do you say, McPike?
- Go ahead, Frank.
Let him do it.
- Okay, what?
- Man or woman?
- [Frank] What?
- Is the killer
a man or a woman?
- 99.9% of the time it's a man.
- 15,000 people in
the county, half men.
We're down to 7500.
We can eliminate
children as well.
That's another 1200 out.
- You can take out
the old folks, too.
At least over 60.
- Another 1000.
Puts us at 5300.
10,000 people in 30 seconds.
We'll have this guy
nailed within the hour.
What about shut-ins, the infirm,
lunatics, cancer,
AIDS, toothaches,
can't drive, afraid to drive,
broken limb, broken car?
I'm gonna give myself
another 300 on that.
- All right, that's pretty good.
You're down to
5000 and counting.
- 5000.
5000.
My God, he travels.
If he is in this
town, he travels.
We just hit gold.
Stem, go through the
business directory.
Other than my companies,
there can't be that
many men who travel
out of Lynchboro
on a regular basis.
The comings and goings of
this town are my lifeblood,
my life, my job.
Stem, move it!
National poster
boy for REM sleep
and he's the captain of my team.
How long has this
guy been at it?
- Well, we have eight
girls plus your deputies.
Possibly could be more.
- I'm sure.
The last thing I
picture about this guy
is slothfulness.
- [Frank] All right, if
you're going by the book,
you're looking at a 30-year-old.
- That's another 2000 out.
Where are we?
- [Frank] 3000.
- 3000.
A handful.
Now we need to get lucky.
(exhaling)
Dammit, Stem.
You're looking at
the lumber employees.
Those are mine, I know those.
It's the other folks
that you are looking for.
Snap to, will ya?
We need travelers.
(sighing)
Intangibles.
McPike, give me
some odds and ends
that will shake something loose.
- Like what?
- Ah.
Education.
Can this guy read and write?
- Just the opposite.
He's probably well-educated.
- Probably well-educated.
What can we say?
College?
Now be careful here.
We're about to turn a corner.
This is a big one.
- All right, for the
sake of this exercise
let's say college.
I'll give you that.
- College is about as
popular around here
as bad breath on a dentist.
We just hit the 500 mark.
500 and counting.
What else.
- [Frank] Alcohol abuse.
- 400.
- [Frank] Drug abuse.
- 375.
- History of mental
illness in the family.
- 375.
- Eldest son.
(book slamming)
- Come on, Stem.
Get with it!
Who travels?
Help me!
- What?
- Firstborn son.
They're usually the ones that--
- Why the hell didn't
you say that before?
We are home.
The town is as good as resealed
and back in the fridge.
I'll have this guy in my office
in his jammies in an hour.
Vince, get Red and Jeff in here.
We've got some wake
up calls to make.
How many eldest sons
can there be who travel
and don't work for me?
10?
12?
Challen and Davis at the
water and power company.
The surveyor, Lindbergh.
I'll take it from here, Speed.
- Well, well, well.
If it isn't the old
welders of Gorslava.
- [Mark] We don't need
the press here, Rogo.
- We got a serial
killer in town?
- It's been taken care of.
- [Rogo] By who?
- Oh, come on.
You're kidding.
- [Mark] Don't be
so little, Rogo.
Stifle your petty views
and fears and help me out.
- Rogo, who do you
know that travels
back and forth to Portland
on a regular basis?
- I'm lookin' at 'em.
(tape ripping)
- What is the matter
with you, Stem?
(sighing)
Travel, that's the key.
We're gonna have this
guy bound and gagged
and waiting on the edge of town
for the task force tomorrow.
I'm one.
Stemmer.
The bus driver Omquist.
- If they don't like Portland,
how do they expect
to like Copenhagen?
It's all the way over
there in Denmark.
Portland.
We ate at a place
called The Haven.
Special of the day
was Cajun shark
and french fries
with Bearnaise sauce.
Oh, God.
I hate Bearnaise sauce.
Then I took 'em down the road
to the Columbia River
and we did a blond.
They just stood there.
Didn't seem to enjoy it at all.
I mean, they liked the
first half, I guess.
Kissing, romance.
You know, that roughhewn
courtship completion part.
But then they just stood there.
Well, what kind of
friends were they if
they didn't like doing a blond?
You know, I even showed
them the beauty part.
When you stun them,
and just before they go,
their uvula quivers
like an opera singer.
You can only do it once,
but it's really fascinating.
I let them watch and
they didn't even like it.
Oh, Mark.
Your concern, I'm sure, is
over mileage and gas money,
what with all the
traveling I did.
But don't worry, it didn't
cost the department anything.
My car has a diesel
engine so I could
just leave it running
the whole time.
And I used two sets of keys.
Leave one in the ignition
and lock the doors.
One time I left it
running all day.
Gauge was still on full.
So don't you worry
about mileage.
I kept receipts.
41 girls.
Yeah.
I had my own sorority.
I felt a thigh. (chuckles)
I got pictures, too.
Despite their state,
I think some of 'em
look remarkably lifelike.
This one's Lillian.
And this is a
picture of Lillian.
Ah, here's a picture of Lillian.
That one's, that one's Lillian.
You know, for awhile there
I thought I could stop,
go to Los Angeles.
Maybe I could get on Jeopardy.
I've always wanted
to be on Jeopardy.
I'm real good at it, too.
By hairy hands
their nell was rung.
(taser clicking)
You know, Mark.
The last thing I'd ever
do is hurt the hospital.
God, I never thought
I'd feel this way.
I just plain feel crappy.
Well, it's all crap, isn't it?
(taser ticking)
Hmm?
- Stem!
- Everybody stand back.
He's a live wire.
(body thumping)
(soft dramatic music)
(electricity zapping)
- Vince?
Vince?
(breathing heavily)
- [Vince] No more, Frank.
No more.
I have no authority here.
You have no authority here.
- Vince!
- [Vince] Just holes
in the ozone, Frank.
- Vince!
Vince!
(soft dramatic music)
("Wiseguy Theme" by Mike Post)
(bright orchestral music)
- Murder!
Murder!
- Stem's completely lost it.
I want you to take charge
of the investigation, Kozak.
- All right, then
we do it my way.
- Perhaps a freewheeling
discussion on how
our town works will help
you get to the bottom
of this tragedy.
- I'd like that very much.
- And maybe if we have
time, we could see a movie.
- [Daniel] You got a
serial killer there, Frank.
I just hope you're
not ridin' with him.
- Cocoa?
(dramatic music)
(screaming)
("Wiseguy Theme" by Mike Post)
- [Man] Previously on Wiseguy.
- Wake up, Lynchboro.
Lynch Kovak's comin' to town.
Get out!
- [Man] Ah!
Ah!
- Back off!
I'll beat your damn heads in.
- Am I gonna find out something
you don't want me to know?
- Probably.
- He's a cop.
He was the best
backup I ever had.
- [Man] You wanna get
back into uniform?
Welcome to the sheriff's
office, Deputy.
- They bought it.
You're inside.
- What's going on?
- He was gonna shoot ya.
- Were you going
to shoot me, Bobby?
- Yes, sir.
- Get him out of here.
Get rid of him.
- Why are you givin' him to me?
- 'Cause Volchek told
me to get rid of 'em.
- What am I gonna do with 'em?
- Keep him out of Lynchboro.
- Why?
What are you gonna do?
- I'm gonna get close to Volchek
and I don't have a lot of time.
- Eh.
What's this?
- It's Bobby.
You told me to get rid of 'em.
- Ew!
To get rid of
somebody means to me
to remove them from
my personal space.
To you it obviously means
something different.
- Mmm.
- Let's say if I want
somebody to no longer
be here as in the expiration
of their mortal existence.
You understand what I'm saying?
- Yeah.
You mean dead.
- Shh.
We won't use that word.
The word we'll use is ah...
Marek.
If I say to you we'll
let Marek handle this,
it'll mean, you
know, like Bobby.
- Marek.
- Marek.
It's a name in the movie.
- Ah.
- You'll come and watch it.
- Yeah, sure.
- Thank you, Deputy Kozak.
- Okay, okay.
- And ah, no more Marek.
- Yeah.
- Limitations are given
to us by our leaders.
By accepting them our
life is made better.
Remember that it was only
through the efforts of Moses
that the Israelites
reached the promised land.
In the desert the Israelites
recognized their limitations,
their need to be led,
so that they could reach
the land of milk and honey.
(man coughing in background)
If I might digress,
I noticed that the newest
member of the community
is finally with us today.
(man coughing in background)
And as the Israelites
welcomed the hairy Hittite
to their bosom, let us
welcome Vinnie Kozak.
(organ music)
All rise.
- Page 41, Vinnie.
♪ Shall we gather at the river
♪ Where bright angel
feet have trod ♪
♪ With its crystal
tide forever ♪
♪ Flowing by the throne of God
♪ Yes, we'll gather
at the river ♪
- Well, I guess it's back
to the old speed trap, huh?
- No work today, Vinnie.
Today's the slug fest.
- Slug fest.
♪ With the saints at the river
♪ That flows by
the throne of God ♪
(punches smacking)
♪ Yes, we'll gather
at the river ♪
♪ The beautiful, the
beautiful river ♪
♪ Gather with the
saints at the river ♪
- Come on, Rev.
Bless 'em and let 'em rip.
- Boys, you know as well as I do
that we can't start without,
well, here we go.
- [Man] Hey.
Yeah, let's get
this trouble goin'.
(punches smacking)
- Welcome to the
Sunday slug fest.
Our champion, of course,
is still Mike Sweeney
from the Shaven's
Disposal Department.
(men cheering and applauding)
And our challenger is
young Donny Wallavick.
- [Man] (laughing) That's
the challenger, oh!
(men applauding)
- Your day, Donny.
Make the most of it.
- Thank you, sir.
- [Man] Come on, Sweeney!
- [Man] Come on, Sweeney!
- [Man] Let's go, baby.
Make it quick.
- Hit hard, boys.
And watch the good
things happen.
(men cheering)
(punches smacking)
(grunting)
(men cheering and jeering)
- He's doin' worse than me.
- What the hell's
the matter with you?
(punches smacking)
(men cheering and jeering)
(punch smacking)
(men jeering)
(crowd applauding)
- Donny, Donny.
Stay down, stay down.
You can't beat 'em.
Just stay out of it.
(grunting)
(punches smacking)
(grunting)
(crowd jeering)
(crowd applauding)
He's gonna kill him.
- This is a right
of passage, Vincent.
He has to become a man.
(men jeering)
(punch smacking)
(grunting)
(crowd applauding)
(crowd jeering)
- [Man] Come on, Donny.
- [Man] Take him out, Donny.
(punch smacking)
- [Man] Hey, get 'em
now, get 'em now.
Come on, baby.
(punch smacking)
- [Man] Stay down, man.
Stay down.
- [Man] Stay down, Donny.
(punch smacking)
(grunting)
- [Man] Hit him one more time.
- That's it.
That is enough!
- I'll tell you enough.
- That's enough!
(punch smacking)
- Kozak!
I want to speak with
you immediately.
- Come on, Donny.
Come on.
Get up.
Come on, let's go.
(platform whirring)
- Reverend Adams,
when Sweeney recovers,
take him over to
the Corvette Club
and make sure he gets the
Sunday special, on me.
Stemmer, take it from here.
- Meal time, boys.
Let's eat!
- Kozak.
Kozak!
Get away from that boy and
get back to the office.
Get Donny and bring
him to me immediately.
- I didn't want Kozy to help.
He did it on his own.
- I like him, Donny.
I really like him.
But I'm afraid of what I might
say to him at this moment.
Walk with me.
- You've got to let
me try it again.
Please, I wanna fight Sweeney
without Kozak stoppin' it.
If you don't go through
slug fest, you're not a man.
I'm sorry.
- Donny, it's not a matter
of contrition or repentance.
It's a matter of attrition.
The grinding down of friction.
Or as in this case the bare
knuckles of the slug fest,
so that I am able
to retire the boy
and introduce the man,
the deputy, the happy citizen.
And as a result, when the
town sees you in uniform,
they'll know you've earned it
and the respect it deserves.
- But for now I'm a disgrace.
- Of course, Donny,
but I promise you,
I'll get you another
shot at getting pounded.
Faster than you can
say Jack Dempsey,
we'll have that one eye looking
just like the other one.
Now grab yourself
some me time, Donny,
and come on back
and have some lunch.
Yes, sir.
By this time next Sunday,
we're gonna have you
standing on Main Street
in a pair of dark glasses
and a cane and a cup.
- Oh no.
- Donny, what is it?
- Oh no.
(soft dramatic music)
- Red, get Stemmer!
Jeff, give him a hand.
(soft dramatic music)
Stem, help Donny!
- My pals.
Those are my pals.
Someone stole them like
a thief in the night.
- Attitude, Stem, attitude!
Get them out of there.
A quick prayer.
Men, for two of our finest.
- Murder.
Murder!
Murder!
Murder!
Murder! (sobbing)
Murder! (sobbing)
Oh, my boys.
Murder!
(dog barking in background)
Last time we were together we,
we shared a plug
of Red Indian chew,
and talked about
going to Copenhagen.
- They were fine men, Stem.
- They were good dancers, too.
- Stem's completely lost it.
(man vomiting)
This is a quiet,
little town, Vince.
Nothing, and I mean
nothing happens here.
Tranquility is my
silent partner.
I want you to take charge
of the investigation, Kozak.
- Oh yeah?
- Now's the time for
initiative, Vince.
I'll make it worth your while.
- All right, then
we do it my way.
- All right, but no Marek.
At least I don't want
to know about it.
Deal?
- All right, the
first thing we do is
get these bodies on ice
until your forensics
department can
take a look at 'em.
Then we'll drag the river.
- You think we've got a
forensic department here?
Right now all I got
is a local meat locker
and a bridge troll for sheriff.
- All right, then we need
to bring in an expert.
- Forget it.
- And the next thing we need
is a federal investigator.
- Fed?
What the hell?
- You think you're
the only guy that has
somebody in their pocket?
I got this friend.
(sighing)
- Vincent.
(car doors slamming)
- Look at it this way.
How long you think
Rogo's gonna let you
handle this by yourself?
This case is a
loudmouth's paradise.
He's gonna have outside
help here in hours.
(sobbing)
- Oh no!
No! No!
(sobbing)
- Frank.
We got trouble here.
- 0h, swell.
Give me the highlights.
- Two dead cops.
- [Frank] You're kiddin'.
- Those are the guys
that have been missin'
for a couple of weeks.
- I'm on my way.
You need anything?
- Bring me a
forensic pathologist.
- Something finally went
wrong in a big way, Mark.
What are you gonna do?
- Lower your voice, Rogo.
- What do you mean
lower my voice?
I think we all should
hear what you're gonna do.
- It's a case of what
should we all do, isn't it?
I mean, tragedy
is indiscriminate.
You of all people,
Rogo, should know that.
- That's right.
Act like you're in control.
- Stem's way too
close to all this.
I've placed Deputy
Kozak in charge.
- Mark, these two are cops.
We need the state
to investigate this.
- He's right.
We need outside help.
- I agree.
But why rely on the
state when we can have
a federal investigator?
(sighing)
- All right, listen up.
A forensics expert
and a federal investigator
will be here in a few hours.
Cops will not allow other
cops to be murdered.
Now please go home
and let us carry on
with our investigation.
I said go home!
Now go on, move!
- An 18-year-old boy vanishes.
Two bodies mysteriously appear.
What the hell's goin' on?
- Stay calm, damn it.
- Why should I?
- Because hysteria
is contagious.
I'm putting you on the
bench for this one, Stem.
Vince is gonna quarterback
the investigation.
- But the situation,
the particular--
- You're out on
thin ice and you are
jumping up and down.
Take some time, Stem.
Relax.
So, you're a man
of medicine, Krall.
Krall.
- Whenever the master says
do this thing, I do it.
Whatever the thing may be.
(dramatic music)
Call for the robin red
breast and the wren.
Since o'er shady
groves they hover.
And with leaves and flowers
do cover the friendless
bodies of unburied men.
(scoffing)
(soft acoustic guitar music)
- What a waste.
(electronic beeping)
- Yeah.
- [Stem] Donny.
Donny, is Mark there?
- Yeah, he's right here.
- What?
- Kozak's fed has arrived
at the meat locker.
You want me to--
- No.
I want to talk to
this man alone.
You stick with Kozak.
Pace is on pal, Donny.
(soft dramatic music)
(horse hooves clomping)
- Mr. Volchek?
- Yes.
How'd you know?
- Oh, just a wild guess.
I'm Frank McPike.
I have the forensics men inside.
It's nice to meet you.
Hello, Rizzo.
Say hello to Mr. Volchek.
- Hello.
- So how's it goin'?
- Looks pretty cut
and dried, Frank.
Gonna have to take him
back to Portland, though.
- Portland?
That's impossible.
I want this thing done now!
Mr. McPike.
(sighing)
Kozak assured me you
knew the parameters here.
I was told you had
an arrangement.
- And a murder's a murder,
and I'm a federal officer.
The bodies have to be
dealt with by the book.
- But the book doesn't have
to leave the library, does it?
Let's just call it
a reference book.
You can study it as
long as you want.
Just don't take it
from the reading room.
- I still have a job to do.
- I've got a town on the
edge of hysteria, Mr. McPike.
Don't rattle cages when
sleep is what they need.
- Questions still
have to be asked.
- I shall gather the
worried at a friendly place
and quell their darkest fears.
I want nothing to disturb
the tranquility of my town.
(horse neighing)
- Hi-ho, Silver.
- Everything wrong with this
town has to do with Volchek.
And everybody knows it.
- What exactly is it
that's wrong, Rogo?
100% employment?
Swell schools?
Free cable TV?
No.
What I think everybody
knows is wrong is you.
- Now Volchek is ultimately
responsible for the murders.
- Well, that's speculation.
I need evidence.
What would be his motive?
- I'm tellin' you, you can't
do this by the numbers.
I mean, there's not gonna
be a Colonel Mustard
in the library with a wrench.
Right, Stem?
You want a motive?
Control.
You want a murder weapon?
This whole bloody town.
- And I'm tellin' you
that's not good enough.
- He's nuts.
Sits in that empty house,
watchin' that same
terrible movie
over and over and over again.
- Mmm-hmm.
Bad taste in film is
not a criminal offense.
- Yeah, well just wait
till you've seen it.
- The two dead men.
They were practically
Volchek's bodyguards.
You check what they
really did for a livin'.
- They were duly
appointed deputies
in charge of the peace
in this community.
If Mr. Volchek sought
their help in regards
to various industries--
- Stem, you're turnin'
into an old whore.
- If you weren't a cripple I,
I'd mop the floor with you.
- Just like old
times, huh, Stem?
Only Volchek's not around
to give you a hand, huh?
Go on, Stem.
Take a shot.
- You, you pee wit.
- Something is
terribly wrong here.
The whole town's scared.
Go see for yourself.
Something is unraveling
delightfully.
- [Vince] Let's go over
to the Tree Top Inn.
Let's find Volchek.
- Stem, one more thing.
I know those two
were your buddies.
And I know how much you
must be hurtin' inside.
I'm sorry.
- I appreciate
everyone's concern.
These deaths are tragic.
But please, folks.
There's nothing to worry about.
Rick.
- Uh, Mr. Volchek.
We're all scared.
I mean, heck, Tesla
was a big, strong guy.
And now Stem is saying
somebody killed him?
- Here they are, folks.
The men of the hour.
Allow me to introduce Frank
McPike, federal investigator.
- Are, are you really a dick?
- Federal investigator.
(applauding)
- Yes, sir.
A federal investigator.
I am going to take
care of this, folks.
Just like my father
did when you all
needed health insurance, hmm.
Just like his father did during
the Thanksgiving Day
mining collapse of '31.
The key here is to cooperate
fully with Mr. McPike.
And in the meantime,
concentrate on the good
things of our town.
We all have jobs.
We don't lock our doors.
And our kids love to sing.
- Well, he's pretty smart.
I thought you said
he was insane.
- Just wait till
you visit Gorslava.
- The best thing
for all of you to do
is to get some sleep.
Max, Max.
Break out some brandy
and give us all
a little warm up
for our journey.
- You bet, Mr. Volchek.
- Kozak, get back to
the office and wait for
the forensics report.
- That's a good idea.
- Now Mr. McPike.
May I invite you up to
my house for a nightcap?
Perhaps a freewheeling
discussion on how
our town works will
help you get to
the bottom of this tragedy.
- I'd like that very much.
- And maybe if we have
time, we could see a movie.
- A movie?
(engine revving)
You do know these
road pretty well, huh?
- Just like the town,
the mine, the mill.
They're my responsibility,
my product.
I've been in the family
for almost a century.
- Lived here your whole life?
- I will always live here.
(phone ringing)
You have reached the
wheels of Gorslava.
- [Daniel] Can I
talk to Frank McPike?
- Whom may I say is calling?
- This is his superior.
Put him on.
- He's right here.
Go ahead.
- It's procedure.
McPike.
- Can you talk?
- Sure, go ahead.
I'm right here with Mr. Volchek.
- Those two deputies.
They drowned after being
bound with 20-pound cord.
- Is it about my men?
- Please.
- They were rendered
unconscious by a shot
from a stun gun to
the base of the skull.
They gun had apparently
been lethally modified.
Well, I ran this through
the computer, Frank.
And a number of
large bells went off.
I mean the Big Ben type.
- Keep going.
- The MO, it matches the
murders of eight girls
in the Portland area.
You got a serial
killer there, Frank.
The stun gun killer to be exact.
(sighing)
I just hope you're
not ridin' with him.
(soft dramatic music)
(engine revving)
- [Woman] Suggesting that
you have no time for love?
- There have been
no others, Maude.
(roller skates clanking)
- [Woman] You must be
tired from your trip.
- Cocoa?
(clearing throat)
- Thank you.
- [Woman] In the meantime
Krall will show you
to your chambers so that
you may refresh yourself.
I will ring for him.
- May father raised
the most beautiful,
delicate orchids.
Very difficult.
He had to keep them at the
same precise temperature.
Parcel out moisture
most carefully.
And above all, protect them from
the slightest
draft from outside.
- Hell of a job.
- I practice my
passion on the town.
My own little hot house flower.
I've made it into a
colorful, tremulous orchid.
So similar to what
my father did,
but I think more beautiful.
- Well, congratulations.
- Do you know much
about orchids?
What makes them so beautiful is
that they require a
specialized pollination
because of a twisted ovary.
- Are you saying?
- Poor Sir Robert.
- [Mark and Krall] Here
are your chambers, sir.
I trust you will find
things to your liking.
If not--
- [Mark and Robert]
Well, I'm sure I will.
Oh, the maidservant.
I must treat the leech
punctures on her face.
- [Mark and Krall] She's
resting, sir, as you advised.
I've taken the liberty
of painting her face
with hot compresses and
a disinfectant tincture.
- [Mark and Robert]
Oh, excellent.
So you're a man of
medicine, Krall?
- [Mark and Krall] I am
a man of all works, sir.
When my master says Krall, do
this thing, I do this thing,
whenever it may be.
- [Mark and Robert]
Oh, most commendable.
- [Mark and Krall]
Thank you, sir.
(soft dramatic music)
(pager beeping)
- Uh, excuse me.
I have to use your phone.
- Shall I mute Sir Robert?
- Uh, sure, please.
And do you suppose
that I might have
another cup of cocoa?
- Most certainly, sir.
(laughing)
(door clicking)
(phone ringing)
- Hey Uncle, what's up?
- Frank, all hell is
about to break lose.
There's a 40-man stun
gun killer task force
heading your way
and they could be
there as early as
tomorrow morning.
- All right, it'll
blow Vince's cover.
You tell 'em he's
gotta get out of here.
- Yeah, yeah, I tried to, but
he's convinced it's Volchek.
He's headin' up there right
now to move in for the kill.
- He's on his way up here?
- Yeah, and he's got the sheriff
and a woman named
Lacey with him.
I tried to stop him,
Frank, but I couldn't.
I'm sorry.
- All right, Uncle, thank
you, I appreciate it.
- There are many of
the little feathers,
all most eager to
know you better.
They will cover you
from your face down
the whole length of you.
All the way down to your toes.
- No!
No, you wouldn't.
You wouldn't do that, Krall!
- [Krall] Yes, yes, yes.
- [Woman] No!
(evil laughing)
No!
No!
No!
Ah!
- Do you like the leeches?
- Stop! Stop!
I'll tell you, I'll tell you!
- [Stem] Your man
doesn't like surprises.
- Your deputies
drowned after they were
tied together with
20-pound nylon cord
and shocked into
unconsciousness with a stun gun.
The MO matches that
of a serial killer
who is sought after
in five states,
including Washington.
So Lacey, who likes
to get weird down at
the Corvette Club?
- I don't think that's
any of your business.
- All right, look.
Now I need some
straight answers here.
There's eight women dead.
There's eight brutal murders.
Now you drop the riddles, honey.
Who likes it rough?
- Lynchboro's strictly
missionary position, Bill.
I got two zebra costumes
the Carleson twins
use on Valentine's Day.
(Stem laughing)
And the Reverend
Adams likes to come in
every two weeks dressed
in a leather tux
and wants to be called Wolfy.
That's about it.
- Well what about Volchek?
- He's not weird.
Just very selective.
- All right, all right.
Of the people that use
you or should use you,
who doesn't?
- You mean besides you?
- Yeah, besides me.
- I don't gamble, either.
- Mmm-hmm.
(engine starting)
- Grave robbing.
You know, both my
father and grandfather
are here at Gorslava.
- I should plan a picnic.
- More cocoa?
- [Frank] No, please.
- Why don't we stop
this right here.
- We got a problem here.
- Has there been a
break in the case?
- Those two deputies
were whacked
by a serial killer.
Eight girls from
here to Portland
were killed in the same way.
Now there's gonna
be a task force
of 40 up here in the morning.
- I gotta get back to
the sheriff's office
so I can hook up
with Portland OCB.
- And whatever you
got goin' here,
you better tidy it up.
- Well, first...
We've got to think
of the hospital.
- How could this
affect the hospital?
- Has your gyroscope been
so completely altered
that you can't grasp priorities?
Gentlemen, I suggest we talk.
- We don't have time to talk.
- Hold on a minute, Frank.
- This affair is going
to generate nothing
but bad publicity
for our community.
It will affect plans
for my hospital.
I'm afraid I'm going
to have to insist
that we take this investigation
slowly and quietly.
- You don't ask
federal agents to go
slowly and quietly.
- Don't ever tell Mr. Volchek
what he can or can't do.
- Oh brother, I'm
going back to town.
Vinnie, I need a ride.
(door slamming)
- Get the cop in the
pocket back in your pants.
(laughing)
Initiative.
Strong arm initiative.
(door slamming)
I've really gotta
think about this.
I've really got to
think about this.
(door slamming)
Everything is
teetering on the edge.
The hospital.
The culmination
of decades of work.
The instrument of my dreams
now fast becoming
another kingly fantasy.
I won't stand for it!
I simply will not
have it die this way.
Absolutely no one to turn to.
40 men tomorrow morning.
It has to be dealt with tonight.
I don't mind saying
that you certainly
are a very big part of
the problem, Stemmer!
And the dance solo
in three feet of water
with two dead men really
didn't help the situation.
No, not at all.
Not at all.
On the other hand,
you've come about as far
as a human doorstop could go.
You should consider
yourself a success.
Well say something, Stemmer!
Say something!
- I, I'm sorry.
- You're sorry.
Well, in lieu of the
parachute, here's a hanky.
No.
No, task force won't do at all.
Not at all.
My family's immortality
is going down the toilet.
And you say you're sorry.
(soft dramatic music)
What to do?
What to do?
- [Daniel] Frank,
are you intending to
leave Vinnie in play?
- No, I agree with you, Uncle.
Vinnie's out of here before the
task force arrives tomorrow.
- They all fan out
from Lynchboro.
There's no way you can
blow that task force off.
- Mr. McPike.
I have some bad news.
- VCR broke?
- I'm taking over
this investigation.
This is a local matter, it
should be handled locally.
- You can't bully the federal
government, Mr. Volchek.
- Dammit, this is my town!
I know it by heart!
You see?
A local matter.
I can't wait for the task force.
By then the news will
be all over town.
The tranquility of this
community will be gone,
maybe forever.
- Maybe that's good.
- Forever's a long time.
I know that firsthand.
- Don't play God, Mr. Volchek.
- I have to!
I have to!
Without me everything
will crumble!
Melt!
McPike, you've gotta
give me a shot.
- Now what could you
possibly do in one evening?
- I'll tell you what.
We were three and
seven my senior year.
Volchek was all-state.
What more do you need?
- Shut up, Stem.
What do you say, McPike?
- Go ahead, Frank.
Let him do it.
- Okay, what?
- Man or woman?
- [Frank] What?
- Is the killer
a man or a woman?
- 99.9% of the time it's a man.
- 15,000 people in
the county, half men.
We're down to 7500.
We can eliminate
children as well.
That's another 1200 out.
- You can take out
the old folks, too.
At least over 60.
- Another 1000.
Puts us at 5300.
10,000 people in 30 seconds.
We'll have this guy
nailed within the hour.
What about shut-ins, the infirm,
lunatics, cancer,
AIDS, toothaches,
can't drive, afraid to drive,
broken limb, broken car?
I'm gonna give myself
another 300 on that.
- All right, that's pretty good.
You're down to
5000 and counting.
- 5000.
5000.
My God, he travels.
If he is in this
town, he travels.
We just hit gold.
Stem, go through the
business directory.
Other than my companies,
there can't be that
many men who travel
out of Lynchboro
on a regular basis.
The comings and goings of
this town are my lifeblood,
my life, my job.
Stem, move it!
National poster
boy for REM sleep
and he's the captain of my team.
How long has this
guy been at it?
- Well, we have eight
girls plus your deputies.
Possibly could be more.
- I'm sure.
The last thing I
picture about this guy
is slothfulness.
- [Frank] All right, if
you're going by the book,
you're looking at a 30-year-old.
- That's another 2000 out.
Where are we?
- [Frank] 3000.
- 3000.
A handful.
Now we need to get lucky.
(exhaling)
Dammit, Stem.
You're looking at
the lumber employees.
Those are mine, I know those.
It's the other folks
that you are looking for.
Snap to, will ya?
We need travelers.
(sighing)
Intangibles.
McPike, give me
some odds and ends
that will shake something loose.
- Like what?
- Ah.
Education.
Can this guy read and write?
- Just the opposite.
He's probably well-educated.
- Probably well-educated.
What can we say?
College?
Now be careful here.
We're about to turn a corner.
This is a big one.
- All right, for the
sake of this exercise
let's say college.
I'll give you that.
- College is about as
popular around here
as bad breath on a dentist.
We just hit the 500 mark.
500 and counting.
What else.
- [Frank] Alcohol abuse.
- 400.
- [Frank] Drug abuse.
- 375.
- History of mental
illness in the family.
- 375.
- Eldest son.
(book slamming)
- Come on, Stem.
Get with it!
Who travels?
Help me!
- What?
- Firstborn son.
They're usually the ones that--
- Why the hell didn't
you say that before?
We are home.
The town is as good as resealed
and back in the fridge.
I'll have this guy in my office
in his jammies in an hour.
Vince, get Red and Jeff in here.
We've got some wake
up calls to make.
How many eldest sons
can there be who travel
and don't work for me?
10?
12?
Challen and Davis at the
water and power company.
The surveyor, Lindbergh.
I'll take it from here, Speed.
- Well, well, well.
If it isn't the old
welders of Gorslava.
- [Mark] We don't need
the press here, Rogo.
- We got a serial
killer in town?
- It's been taken care of.
- [Rogo] By who?
- Oh, come on.
You're kidding.
- [Mark] Don't be
so little, Rogo.
Stifle your petty views
and fears and help me out.
- Rogo, who do you
know that travels
back and forth to Portland
on a regular basis?
- I'm lookin' at 'em.
(tape ripping)
- What is the matter
with you, Stem?
(sighing)
Travel, that's the key.
We're gonna have this
guy bound and gagged
and waiting on the edge of town
for the task force tomorrow.
I'm one.
Stemmer.
The bus driver Omquist.
- If they don't like Portland,
how do they expect
to like Copenhagen?
It's all the way over
there in Denmark.
Portland.
We ate at a place
called The Haven.
Special of the day
was Cajun shark
and french fries
with Bearnaise sauce.
Oh, God.
I hate Bearnaise sauce.
Then I took 'em down the road
to the Columbia River
and we did a blond.
They just stood there.
Didn't seem to enjoy it at all.
I mean, they liked the
first half, I guess.
Kissing, romance.
You know, that roughhewn
courtship completion part.
But then they just stood there.
Well, what kind of
friends were they if
they didn't like doing a blond?
You know, I even showed
them the beauty part.
When you stun them,
and just before they go,
their uvula quivers
like an opera singer.
You can only do it once,
but it's really fascinating.
I let them watch and
they didn't even like it.
Oh, Mark.
Your concern, I'm sure, is
over mileage and gas money,
what with all the
traveling I did.
But don't worry, it didn't
cost the department anything.
My car has a diesel
engine so I could
just leave it running
the whole time.
And I used two sets of keys.
Leave one in the ignition
and lock the doors.
One time I left it
running all day.
Gauge was still on full.
So don't you worry
about mileage.
I kept receipts.
41 girls.
Yeah.
I had my own sorority.
I felt a thigh. (chuckles)
I got pictures, too.
Despite their state,
I think some of 'em
look remarkably lifelike.
This one's Lillian.
And this is a
picture of Lillian.
Ah, here's a picture of Lillian.
That one's, that one's Lillian.
You know, for awhile there
I thought I could stop,
go to Los Angeles.
Maybe I could get on Jeopardy.
I've always wanted
to be on Jeopardy.
I'm real good at it, too.
By hairy hands
their nell was rung.
(taser clicking)
You know, Mark.
The last thing I'd ever
do is hurt the hospital.
God, I never thought
I'd feel this way.
I just plain feel crappy.
Well, it's all crap, isn't it?
(taser ticking)
Hmm?
- Stem!
- Everybody stand back.
He's a live wire.
(body thumping)
(soft dramatic music)
(electricity zapping)
- Vince?
Vince?
(breathing heavily)
- [Vince] No more, Frank.
No more.
I have no authority here.
You have no authority here.
- Vince!
- [Vince] Just holes
in the ozone, Frank.
- Vince!
Vince!
(soft dramatic music)
("Wiseguy Theme" by Mike Post)
(bright orchestral music)