Wings (1990–1997): Season 4, Episode 22 - Date Package Number Seven - full transcript

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( sighs ):
Ugh.

I hate foggy days.

No cab fares coming in.

No cab fares going out.

No nothing.

Hey, guys.

Joe, listen,
as long as we're grounded,

I'm gonna go ahead
and sand down that spot

where the door's sticking.

Yeah, have at it.



( playing guitar softly )

( sanding rhythmically )

( playing guitar to rhythm )

( tapping cup to rhythm )

Dabba, budda, budda

Bop, bop, budda, budda
Buh dabba dabba day

Da, da, da, da
Dabba bo dop

Budda budday

Dot dow, dow, dow

( all stop )

Bobba dobba

Bop, bop, budday
Dobba, dobba, da, da...

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Uh, uh, wait.
Whoa, whoa.



Roy, watch out
for the giant frog.

Roy, watch out
for the giant frog!

I see it.
I see it.

Okay, now grab
the nitrogen tank.

( groans )
Have you got
a death wish, man?

All right, all right.
I see it.

Oh, no.

( evil laughter )
Oh, he got you.

How many more must die,
giant frog?

Oh, I can't stand this anymore!
( game beeping )

Ever since you two guys found
( beeping stops )

that annoying game
on the plane,

you've been bothering
the whole terminal!

Gee, Fay.
We were just playing.

It's bad enough we're raising
an entire generation

of small-minded,
big-thumbed children.

But you're adults.

If you have time
on your hands,

try having an intelligent
conversation for a change.

Oh, you know,
Fay's right.

I mean, you know,
maybe we should try and have

an intelligent conversation.

Hey, guys.
Have you seen Joe?

No.

No.
No.

Thanks.

Does that count as
an intelligent conversation?

Close as we're gonna come.

Fire that baby up.
All right.

Celtics.

Two points behind,
ten seconds to go.

They go to their franchise,
Flyin' Brian Hackett.

Crowd's on their feet.

Hackett blows past Jordan!

He's in three-point range!

He shoots.

Final seconds.
Three, two--

What--?
But, three, two--

Three, two...!

Hey, Brian.

Do you know
where your brother is?

You just call me "Brian"?

Yeah.

Well--
Well, how come you didn't

call me "slick"
like you usually do?

Because I just saw
how you play basketball.

So where is he?

Well, I guess it's time
you knew the truth.

There is no Joe.

I made him up.

Darn.

I was hoping you were
the imaginary one.

( scoffs )

Tell him thanks
for the guidebook.

Hm. She's open.

No, she isn't.

Oh, come on.
Just one point, okay?

I'll make it real easy
for ya.

If it hits the rim,
I'll count it.

I'd like to point out
that it did not touch the rim.

What's so funny?

( chuckles )
I just had this image
of you in high school.

Oh.
Let me guess.

You were the smart-ass,
screwup, jock type.

Eh, sorry to burst
your bubble, babe,

but I happen to have been
a straight-A student,

and I also made a little time
for B-ball.

I was all-state.

Speaking of all-state,

I hope you have
this place insured.

Mm.
See you later.

Hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

And who was--

Who was Alex Lambert
in high school, huh?

Was she a cheerleader?

Homecoming queen?
Huh?

The closest I ever got
to homecoming queen

was when she turned me in
for smoking

and I flushed her tiara
down the toilet.

Really?
And, and--

Was there a scuffle?

Clothes ripped?

It's not fair to start a story
and not finish it.

Maybe when you're older.

Mm. Where are you off to?

I was just gonna go grab
some dinner.

Oh, really? Me too.
I was gonna get a bite too.

Uh, would you care
to join me?

Like a date?

No!
No, absolutely not.

No, a date would entail,
you know,

showering, teasing hair,

prettying up.

And you'd probably wanna
get ready too.

Well, what did you have
in mind?

Ah!
I sense interest.

Um, I don't know,
you like lobster?

Who doesn't?

Oh, well, Lowell, for one.

Yeah, he refuses to eat it

ever since he saw a sign
outside a restaurant that said,

"Live Lobster.
Dancing Nightly."

So, uh, you onboard?

Uh, where were you thinking
about going?

Oh, I don't know. Someplace
that has great lobster.

Oh.

Okay, I got an idea.

How about Maine?

What, go to a different state
for dinner?

Yeah, that's no problem.

I mean, eh,
all you have to do

is point the plane north

and then if we see
any moose playing hockey,

we know we've gone too far.

What do you say?

Maine?
Yeah.

It'll be an adventure.
Come on, come on.

What the hell.
Let's go to Maine.

All right.

( upbeat theme playing )

Announcing the arrival
of Flight 20 from New Bedford.

How many people realize
that New Bedford

was once a productive
whaling center

much like Nantucket?

How many people
are pretending to ignore me

hoping I'll turn off
this microphone

and quit bothering them?

Fine.

You can all just guess
when our next flight leaves.

Good morning, Brian.

Good morning, Fay?

( chuckles ):
I don't think so.

It's a great morning, Fay.

Children are singing,
the sun is shining,

and a warm feeling of hope
cradles us all.

Come here,
you gorgeous thing, you!

( laughing )

The-- They don't pay me much,
but the perks are great.

Uh, Helen,

I know a woman like you
gets tired of hearing this,

but I must tell you.

Today you look
especially beautiful.

Antonio,
a girl never gets tired

of hearing
a compliment like that.

Well...
Thank you.

Then, uh, if I may say so,

y-your hair is-- Is--

Is stunning.

Forget your wallet again?

'Fraid so.
Pay me tomorrow.

Hey, Joe.
How're you doing?

Fine.

Helen, could I have some coffee,
please?

Coming right up.

You're sure
in a good mood today.

What's wrong?

Nothing.
I feel great.

I'm a little tired.
I had a date last night.

Ooh.
Well, not a--

Not a date. I--
I went out.

Ah. Do you believe this?

You know, I ask you out.
No dice.

Brian asks you out,
you won't go.

Now you're going out
with some totally new guy.

Actually, it was Brian.

You went out with Brian

when you could have gone out
with some totally new guy?

What--? Uh--
How could you do that?

I can't believe this.
She went out with Brian--

Now, now, now, now, Joe.

Let's just take a deep breath
and think of a happy place.

It wasn't any big deal.

We didn't plan it.
We just...went.

Went?
Where, went? Went?

I mean, where did you go?
Where did he take you?

Joe! I don't think Alex wants
to discuss the intimate details

of her private life
with the two of us.

So go sit over there.
What was it?

Well, no. It's--
It's okay. It's okay.

First, we flew to Maine,

and we found the most
incredible place for lobster.

Then after dinner, we--

We just stumbled across

this funky little
miniature-golf course.

Then on the way back
to the plane,

you won't believe
what we found

leaning against
this old oak tree.

A tandem bicycle.

( snickers )

How'd you know?

( Joe and Helen laughing )

Congratulations!

You just went on Brian Hackett's
Date Package Number Seven.

What?

Yeah, it's just one of those,
uh, spontaneous little evenings

he spent years perfecting.

Right. He's got
about ten of them,

but this one
rates the highest.

Wait a minute. But we were just
going with the flow.

He'd never been there before.

BOTH ( laughing ):
Never been there before!

JOE: Really, though, really.
HELEN: Oh, God.

Okay, let's see if I can guess
a couple of the, uh,

spontaneous little things
you did

on your wonderful evening.

Okay, you, uh--
You took a bike ride

down the cutest little
cobblestone street

you'd ever seen while Brian
was singing "Raindrops

JOE AND HELEN:
Keep Fallin' On My Head..."

And when you thought it couldn't
get any better,

you ran into
this little old couple

that had been married
for 50 years.

And they told you that
they had met right there,

at that same spot.

But-- Um--
How could he--?

He calls ahead
and has this old buddy of his

set the whole thing up.

Is this for real?

Don't you just wanna
kill him?

( laughs )

Well, I probably should,
but...

I just had too good a time.

Anyway, I am gonna
go get this work done

that I was supposed to do
last night.

( scoffs )

I-I can't believe this.

You know? Brian gets away
with everything.

I get away with nothing,
you know.

I do the slightest little thing,
I get nail--

Those aren't free,
you know.

See what I mean?

G-give it to me, Roy.
( video game beeping )

( whines ):
Come-- Come on,
it's my turn! Give it to me!

Bug off! I'm about to enter
the Mushroom Palace.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, like you could really
get into the Mushroom Palace.

Are you two still playing
with that thing?

Give it
to me right--

No cuts!
I have dibsies!

I--

I refuse to spend
one more minute

listening to those annoying
beeps, bells and buzzers.

This belongs
in the lost and found.

You two boys
will just have to find

another toy to play with.

You can kiss
that game goodbye, fellas.

Don't worry.
I'll get it back.

Don't count on it.

She's had my harmonica
for six months.

Hey.

Hey.
Hey.

Listen, um,

I just wanted to check in
with you this morning.

Was I dreaming,
or, uh,

did we really have fun
last night?

We had a lot of fun.

Good. Thought so.

Well, in that case,
if you're free,

maybe we could have fun
again tonight, huh?

Oh, you know what?

I have to stay home tonight.

Ah.

But you could always
stay home with me.

Hm. Funny.

It almost sounded like
you invited me to your house.

I did.

Heh. Funny.

It almost sounded
like you said "you did."

That's what I said.

Heh, it's funny.
Almost sounded like you said--

How about eight o'clock?

Thank you.

I'll see you tonight.
Okey-dokey!

Yeah!

Oh, boy!
This is a great day, Fay!

The sun is shining,

children are singing,

a warm feeling of hope
cradles us all.

Oh, for Pete's sake!

I've got work to do.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( knocking )

Hi.
Am I late?

Yes.

Four whole seconds.

Well, I got caught
in traffic.

Come in.

Oh, boy! Wow.

Wow-- I never thought
I would ever see

the inside
of this place.

Looks so different
through my telescope.

Kidding.

( chuckles )
Let me take your coat.

Yeah, thanks.
Listen, I...

would have gotten
you flowers, but, uh,

I couldn't get into
the place I usually go.

People were home.

This is really nice.

This is very nice.

Oh, oh, oh,
who's this?

The old Army gang?

Oh, yeah, my platoon.

Ah, you might find this
hard to believe but, uh,

you're actually
the first soldier

I've ever gone out with.

You know what they say,

we do more
before seven a.m.

than most people do
all day.

Make yourself comfortable.

( exhales deeply )

( sniffs )

Hope champagne's okay.

( mumbles ):
Fine. Fine.

So...

what, uh--

What are we drinking to?

How about to...

an...unexpected evening
last night

and hopefully even more
surprises tonight.

( glasses clink )

Like the sound of that.

Good.

Mm.

Ah!
Oh! Oh!

What--? What--?

What was that for?
Why did you do that?

That was my Date Package
Number Seven. Now get out!

Wait! What--?
What--? What--?

Save it! Joe and Helen
told me everything.

What did they tell you?

About your cute little
date packages.

And I had to just sit there
laughing it off

pretending I wasn't feeling
like the world's biggest fool.

Hey, they had
the whole thing wrong.

Oh, so you're saying
I was the first girl

you've taken
on that date?
Well, no--

You lied to me!
I didn't lie,
I was--

You just threw me in
with God knows

how many other women
you've taken up there,

and I don't appreciate it!

Good night!
Alex, Alex, Al--

Good night!

Alex, I'll expl--
Good night!

Hey, my--
My car keys are in there.

How am I supposed
to get home?

Be spontaneous.

Maybe you'll find a bicycle
leaning against a tree.

( mellow theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Hey, Joe, I need the keys
to the house.

( laughs ):
Oh, my God!

What happened to you?

Nothing happened.
Just give me the keys.

Wait a minute.
You were with Alex tonight.

Did she do that to you?

Ho-ho-ho.
Yeah.

Ho, wait!

Helen, come here!
No, no. Quit--

I'm not in the mood for this.
I just wanna go home.

( both laughing )

HELEN:
Oh, Brian!

I told you before.

It's shower first,

then put your clothes on.

Real cute.
( Helen and Joe chuckling )

So, what?
Did she pour a drink on you?

She hit you with
the old hose? What?

Yeah, well, actually,
it was an ice bucket,

and I'm glad you two guys are
getting such a kick out of this

'cause, after all,
I have you two to thank.

Oh, come on, Brian.
Brian.

She would have
found out eventually.

You're just trying
to blame us

'cause you got burned
by your own scam.

And that must be where
they tried to put out the fire.

( both laugh )

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I don't happen to think

this is very funny?

Would you lighten up?

You've been rejected
before.

Yeah, that's right,
I have.

Did it ever occur to you

that this time
might be different?

That this time
I might have the chance

of starting something new
with somebody?

Well, Brian,
if you cared about her

then why'd you lie to her?

Oh,
I don't know.
Why'd you--?

I don't know
how to explain it to you.

I just thought that maybe
this would be my last chance

to have a date with her

and I wanted everything
to be perfect, that's all.

I mean,
that date was perfect.

By now it oughta be.

Anyway...
No, no, stop.

It's not your guys' fault.

I blew it.

You know?
See you later.

Oh, man.

Believe that guy?

( whines ):
Mr. Sad-Eyes

Joe, you could be
a little more sensitive.

Come on. Don't tell me you're
gonna fall for all that crap.

"Alex broke my heart.
I can never love again."

The best part is
he did this to himself.

And then there was one.

You know, Joe, I don't think
this is about competing anymore.

Yeah, you got that right.
The game is over.

Oh, shh-shh-shh.

Helen, what's that I hear?

What?

The fat lady.
She's singing.

Are you so blinded
by this competition thing

that you can't see
that he really cares about her?

Helen,
we are talking about Brian.

The only thing
Brian cares about is--

Brian.

Well, I just don't see
it that way.

( dramatic piano theme playing )

( knocking )

( knocking )

What do you want?

I-I really need to talk to you
for just a minute.

Whatever it is,
it can wait until morning.

Please, please, just--

Just let me say
what I have to say,

and then I'll leave,
all right?

Okay. What?

That's a v-very nice nightgown.

Thank you.
Good night.

N-no, look, look.
Just, uh--

You know things between us
have been sorta...

immature and adolescent
for a while now,

but what I came to say isn't.

My brother really likes you.

What?

Th-the only reason
he took you on that date

and tried to make you believe
it was all so spontaneous

is 'cause he was trying
to impress the hell outta you.

Thank you.
Now I can sleep.

No, wait, wait. Let-- Let me
just have one more try, okay?

It won't make
any difference.

Maybe not, but just--
Just hear me out, please.

( sighs )

Okay.

Wow. This place
really looks different

through my telescope.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.

Uh...

( clears throat )

All right--
Okay, okay. Um.

The first time
Brian fell in love...

was this girl
Krista Purcell.

She was blonde,
gorgeous, 17 years old.

Brian finally gets up
the nerve to ask her out.

She laughs in his face.

Well, of course,
I can't blame her.

He was only eight years old
at the time.

What's your point?

Th-the point is that,

you know,
I thought he would be crushed.

But Brian just joked
about it.

See, that is how
I know Brian is okay.

He jokes.

When you kicked him
outta here tonight,

he didn't even
crack a smile.

( scoffs )

The weird thing is that, uh...

this morning I would have killed
to go out with you myself.

And now here I am
pleading his case.

But, anyway,
that's, uh,

basically what I came
to say.

Good night.

Oh, by the way,

that ice bucket?

( laughs ):
Really nice touch.

( mellow piano theme playing )

Oh, Roy.

Roy, I-I took your advice,
and I--

I rented that movie
Basic Instinct last night.

And-- Boy, were you right.

Uh, that last scene where she--

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
La-la-la-la-la!

Don't tell me! Don't tell me!
I haven't seen it!

Sorry. Sorry.

Basic Instinct's good,
but if you like thrillers,

the king of 'em all
is Psycho.

Oh, well, I agree.

When they go down
into the--

Whoa, whoa!
La-la-la-la-la-la!

Haven't seen it!
Haven't seen it!

Lowell, that movie came out
30 years ago.

How could you have missed it?

I've had things to do.

May I help you?

Yes, ma'am.

I left my video game
on your plane.

Did you find it?

Well, yes, I did.

And I can't tell you

how happy I am
to give it back to you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

( game beeping )

( grunts )

Mind if I shoot a round?

No. No, go ahead.
I was just leaving anyway.

No, wait a minute.

There's something
I wanna clear up

about our little trip
to Maine.

I had a really great time.

You did?

Well, that's--
That's great.

So...everything's cool now,
right?

No.

You also lied to me,

manipulated me,

and disappointed me.

So, what now?

I'm gonna give you one shot
to make it up to me.

Good.

What is this?

I just told you.

One shot.

From there.

So...

( chuckles )

So the fate of our relationship
hangs on this one shot.

Is that it?
You got it.

Okay.

All right, one more.

Maybe you should move
a little closer.

You aren't even trying.

Uh, l-listen,
listen, listen.

We can do this better.

Um, why don't we--

Why don't we just figure
this out over dinner?

We might as well.
We could be here all night.

I've heard about this
great place for Italian.

( cracks knuckles )

Okay, let's go.

W-wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

Just so we don't have a repeat
of the other night,

have you ever
been there before?

No.

Well...

Yeah, but not with you.

( mellow piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )