Wings (1990–1997): Season 3, Episode 5 - If Elected, I Will Not Live - full transcript

Can you believe this?

I get a lousy parking ticket
for having my bumper
this much in the red.

I mean, talk about picky.

Uh, how much
did they nail you for?

54 bucks!

Plus postage.

You know what?
I'm not gonna pay 'em.

What's the worst
that can happen?

Well, they take you to court,

you lose, they fine you,
and you don't pay it,

they put a lien on your house,
attach future earnings,



you're penniless,
you turn to a life of vice
and prostitution,

you get arrested,
end up in jail

and live out the rest
of your days sharing
a dirty toilet

with a woman named Dutch.

You have a stamp?

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

Hey, Lowell, I need you
to go and pick up those
cabin lights.

Just a second, Joe.
I'm almost finished here.

Ah, wouldn't you know it?

Last staple
and the gun jams on you.

Boy, crazy thing!

(GRUNTING)

(STAPLER SNAPS)

Lowell, did that staple
go into your leg?



Are you in pain?

Would you like to
go outside and scream?

(LOWELL SCREAMING)

Roy Biggins
for Town Council.

Now, I'm counting
on your votes.

Roy Biggins.
Town Council.

I'm counting on
your votes. Yes.

(BABY CRYING)
Here take this.

Roy Biggins.
Nice to see you.

Roy Biggins for Town Council.
I'm counting on your vote.

(LAUGHING)

You know, guys,
this politics game
isn't so tough.

You just smile a lot,
press the flesh a little

and tell people
what they want to hear.

Hell, put her there
and tell me you're moving
to Wisconsin.

Oh, what's cookin', Spanky?

I'm putting an ad
in the classifieds.

I'm selling my cello.

Your cello?
You're kidding.

You've had that thing
since you were six years old.

I know.
It's the hardest thing
I've ever had to do.

But it's time to close
that chapter in my life.

I can't go on pursuing
this pipe dream

and thinking I'm some
classical musician.

I've really
made up my mind.

I'm never gonna pick up
the cello again.
Hmm.

Oh, by the way,
the Boston Pops called.

(GASPS) Oh, God!
What'd they say?

You never should've
picked it up
in the first place.

Brian, that was low
even for you.

I know. I actually
felt myself sinking.

Madonna Santa!

The councilman, uh,
Senor Lloyd Bruels,

he's...

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

What happened?

(IN ITALIAN ACCENT)
He was performing his
famous campaign stunt,

swimming across the harbor
towing a string of rowboats.

There's a guy
who's not getting
any at home, huh?

Anyway, when he finishes,

he comes up out of the water

and then suddenly
he makes a face like so...

(GRUNTS)

He has a heart attack.

Oh, my gosh!
Is he dead?

No, no. They take him
to the hospital.
Oh.

This will haunt me
for the rest of my days.

I will never get
this picture out
of my mind.

Watching him
collapse like that?

No. Seeing a man in his 60s
in a Speedo bathing suit.

Thank goodness he's alive.

HELEN:
Why are you smiling, Roy?

Was I smiling?
Oh, no, no, no, Helen.

I--I wasn't smiling.

Yep, you were.

Well, maybe
just a little bit.

I mean, now that
I'm running unopposed,

there's a good chance
I'll win.

Roy, the man is
in the hospital.

Oh, Helen,
you're absolutely right.

You're-- You're
absolutely right.

His well-being is
my only concern.

I'm gonna go down
to the hospital right now

and I'm gonna donate blood.

Roy, that's very generous
of you to give blood.

Who said anything
about my blood?

Come on, Katie.
Roll up your sleeve
and make a fist.

Well, here's
a frightening thought.

Roy Biggins is gonna be
our next councilman.

I hate to be a cynic,
but isn't this the way
it always goes?

You either have bad choices
or no choices at all?

Yeah, well, where are
the people who used
to run for office

not because there was
anything in it for them,

but because they were
willing to work?
Right.

Maybe even make a sacrifice
for the common good.

Did those people
just disappear?
Because they...

They used to be here.

We called them
George Washington,

Thomas Jefferson,
Samuel Adams,

John Adams,
John Quincy Adams.

The Addams Family.

Well, what can we do?

Well, let's not sell
democracy short.

The election is still
a week away.

Someone will step forward.

Someone of honesty
and character.

Someone who really
cares about this island.
Someone who...

Why--Why are you
looking at me like that?

Because that someone
is you, Joe.

That speech was
really inspiring.

It sure was.
I have goose bumps.

Ah, don't sell
yourself short, Helen.

You fill out that sweater
quite nicely.

I don't know.
Me, a councilman?
No. I'm... Really...

Yes, Joe.
Nantucket needs you.

Oh, no, I don't know.
It's a lot of work.

I mean, I got to
run the airline...

You'll hardly have
to do a thing.

I'll be your campaign manager.

Well, I love politics.

The smoky back rooms,

the--the king making,
the backstabbing.

After canasta,
it's my passion.

No, I don't know.
I don't know. It's...

(ALL HUMMING
BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC)

Come on, Joe. Go for it.
Do it, bro.

You're our last chance.

All right.
Okay, I'll do it.

His truth is marching on

Glory, glory, halle...

Am I the only one
that knows the chorus here?

Oh, Brian,

did I make a mistake
putting that ad in the paper?

Well, it's a little late
to have second thoughts, kid.

That guy's coming
to take a look at it and all.

I know.

But what if he's just
buying it for his
little snot-nosed kid

who's being forced
to take cello lessons?

He's just gonna hate it
and he'll abuse it.

It'll end up in his closet
next to his
Playboy collection,

the little pervert.

Well, at least you know
he'll be in there with it.

Uh, excuse me.
I'm the one who called
about the cello.

Oh! Well, hello.

Nice to meet you,
Mr. Larson.

Can I see it?
Uh, yes.

Uh, I was just gonna
ask you one question.

Um, do you have
any children?

No.
Perfect.

This is certainly
a beautiful instrument.

You've taken exquisite
care of it.
Yes.

Well, thank you.

I know
you'll enjoy playing it.

Oh, I don't play.
Jocko does.

Jocko?

My chimpanzee, Jocko.

We have an act.

(STAMMERING)
Wait. Whoa, one second.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Um, are--are you Maynard
of--of Maynard and Jocko?

Yes.
Oh, God! Oh, man!

Uh, you guys are fabulous.
Saw him down in Hyannis!

Uh, Helen, the monkey
fingers with his feet

and bows with a banana.

Sorry. No sale.

Joe?
I know, I know.
I'm late, Fay.

We got socked in at Boston.

I blew off that chamber
of commerce thing, right?

Oh, that's okay.
I went down there
and I talked to them myself.

They really seemed
to respond to me.

You know, it's amazing.

You can really loosen up
a crowd of business men
with a little off-color joke.

Hey, Joe, are you interested
in the latest poll results?

I didn't know
we had a polling service
on the island.

Uh, we don't.

What we have is
me hanging out down
at the beauty parlor.

You can tell how
the island's gonna
vote from that?

Oh, yeah.

And they let me take home
all the hair I want.

Uh, what are the results?

Hair ball about yea big.

Lowell, I mean the poll.
LOWELL: Oh.

48% are in favor
of old Roy.

35% are in favor of Joe.

And 6% think
I'd look better
with a perm.

That's sort
of a low percentage.

Not for me.
I made an appointment
for next Tuesday.

No, for me.

I thought I'd be doing
better than that by now.

Oh, not to worry, Joe.

You forget my ace in the hole
Homer Padnick,

Editor-in-Chief
of The Nantucket Herald.

So?

Well, where's
your political savvy, Joe?

Whoever the paper endorses,
wins the election.

Oh, who are they backing
this time?

No one yet.
But I spent the better part
of the morning charming

the socks off that man.

He really liked
what I had to say.

Not to mention
my double fudge brownies.

So do you really think
there's a chance of me
getting the endorsement?

I think he was impressed.

Oh, great, Fay.
Thanks.

What would I do
without you?

Lose most likely.

Hackett, I figured
you'd resort to dirty tricks,

but who thought
you'd stoop this low?

I suppose you think
this is funny, huh?

(LAUGHING)

I had to do it, Roy.
They were scaring
the children.

Fine, fine.
Have your fun.

But nothing can stop
the Biggins juggernaut.

After all, I have got
a well-oiled
political machine.

All you have are
these three nimrods.

Don't forget about me.

Well, it's out.
Today's edition of
The Nantucket Herald.

Who'd they endorse?

I didn't look.

Where I come from,

there is a long tradition
of killing the messenger.

Give me that.

Go ahead, Hackett.
You read it.

I want to get a clear view
of a man taking
his last political gasp.

Yeah, okay, Roy.
But you just might be
in for a little surprise.

"For the position
of Town Council,

"The Nantucket Herald
endorses

"Fay Evelyn Cochran."

Me?

The--The paper endorsed me?
That's impossible.

You're not even running.

I know.

Give me that.

(LAUGHING)

What's so funny?

Oh, Marmaduke got
in the refrigerator again.

Crazy dog.

Give me that!

"If honesty, sincerity

"and good old-fashioned
common sense
count for anything,

"you should write
in the name of
Fay Evelyn Cochran

"for Town Council."

Give me that!

Hey, it looked like fun.

All right,
"With Lloyd Bruel
out of the race

"and Roy Biggins
out of his mind,

"it would seem
the only choice
is Joe Hackett.

"But after only one meeting
with Fay Cochran,
his campaign manager,

"we discovered her to be
the true dynamic force

"behind his campaign.

"Apparently Hackett
was relying on his
boyish good looks

"to get him
into office."

Well, I thought
it would help,

but I certainly wasn't
counting on it.

Give me that.

It's mine.
I paid for it.

Fay, what exactly
did you say to that editor?

Well, I told you.
We discussed your campaign,

and I gave him
some goodies.

I'll bet you did, sister.

I was talking about
my double fudge brownies.

What are you gonna do, Fay?
Are you going to throw
your hat into the ring, huh?

Oh, I'm so flattered.

I guess I have no choice.

HELEN: Good.
I'll do it!

(ALL CHEERING)
I'll run for Town Council.

(ALL CHATTERING)

I don't care who
I'm running against.

I'm fighting this thing
to the end

and I'm not gonna
take any prisoners.

You're gonna find out
at that debate

that you are in
for a real good
old-fashioned dogfight.

What do you have to say
to that, Cochran?

Oh, pooh.

Broad's got the mouth
of a truck driver.

Fay, it's getting
kind of late.

You gonna knock off soon?

Oh, uh, I just want to
finish up a couple of
last minute things.

I'm trying to punch up
my speech for the debate
tomorrow night.

Oh, well, all right.
Good night.

Make sure to lock up
on your way out.

Uh, uh, Joe.

Um, you know,
I never expected things
to work out this way.

I hope you're not angry.

No, I'm not angry.

You know, I--I think
you would have made
a wonderful councilman.

Well, if it's not gonna be me,
I'm glad it's going to be you.

Oh, Joe.
Do you really mean that?

Fay, I'm trying to be
a good sport about this.

Hiya, Fay.
Got a minute?

What can I do for you?

You had a pretty good week,
didn't you?

Well, I pulled ahead of you
by 15 percentage points,

if that's what you mean.

Yeah. That's--
That's what I mean.

So, Roy, is there a purpose
to this little visit?

Look, I know you think
I'm not a worthy candidate,

that I'm just another blowhard
running for Town Council

in order to line his pockets.

Go on.

Well, I got some news
for you, Fay.

This job means
something to me.

This island means
something to me.

Well, no more
than it does to me.

Oh, I had this thing
sewn up until you entered
this stupid race.

Well, I didn't choose
to run, Roy. I was drafted.

How can I put this
so you can understand?

I'm a loser.

I've been a loser
my whole life, Fay.

I have never won anything.

Please. Please, Fay.

Please, I want
to be a winner.

Roy, please get up
off your knees.

I--I--I really have work
I have to do here.

Okay.

Let me tell you
a little story.

When I was in the fifth grade,
I ran for class president.

I--I was up against
Dennis Doyle,

Mr. Athlete,
Mr. Popular.

I thought I could
take him on the issues.

I--I had some good ideas.

I thought if I could
just get people to listen...

(SIGHS)

But when I was
giving my speech
in the assembly hall,

one of his friends
snuck up behind me
and pantsed me.

There I was, in front of
the whole student body,

with my trousers
around my ankles.

I tried to run
but I fell off the stage.

Guess I should have
pulled my pants up first.

I'll tell you something, Fay.

I've been trying to
get those pants back up
for the last 30 years.

This election is my chance.

Help me, Fay.

Help me pull my pants up.

(STAMMERING)
Are we alone here?
Is security still around?

This election doesn't mean
that much to you.

Can you honestly tell me
you want it as badly as I do?

Do you crave it?

Do you have
the taste of it
in your mouth?

The stink of it
in your clothes?

Well, I--I--I can't
honestly say that I do. No.

Well, I can.

W-W-What are you saying?
Do you want me to drop out
of the race?

No, no, no, no.

That would look bad
like I tried to muscle
you out. No, no.

I want you to blow
the debate tomorrow night.
Oh, I--I can't do that.

Oh, come on, Fay.

This is the only thing
that'll give me a chance
to win this thing!

No, I want to be
on the Town Council, too.
The--The answer is no.

Please.
Please don't say no
right away, huh?

J-Just, just think about it.

I know you're gonna
do the right thing.

If not for me,

then for that little
apple-cheeked boy

with his pants down
around his ankles.

So in closing,
when you elect Roy Biggins,

you are electing
a man of vision,

a man of ideas,
a man who is, uh,

a man who is poised
to guide Nantucket
into the 21st century.

Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Biggins.

And now,
with her opening statement,

our other candidate,
Fay Evelyn Cochran.

(ALL CHEERING)

(MAN WHISTLING)

Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.

I have been both surprised
and flattered by this
outpouring of support

and I intend to
thank you all for it

by being the best councilwoman
this town has ever seen.

(ALL CHEERING)

Okay, now we'll open
the floor for questions.

Yes, sir?

Oh, um, I don't have
a question.

I was just waving
at my friend Fay.
Hi, Fay.

Next question.

I got a question.

You say you believe
in preserving the beauty
of Nantucket.

Yes, that's right.

Then why don't you start
by getting that heap
you drive off the street?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Yeah. And throw that
suit in with it.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(MODERATOR TAPPING DESK)

MODERATOR: Please! Please!

Now, are there
any other questions?

Uh, yes. Miss Cochran,
what do you think
of Mr. Biggins' ideas?

Uh, well, as for his
so-called programs...

Um...

As for his programs,
uh, they seem solid

and, uh, well thought out.

I'd like to commend Roy
for his vision

and suggest we all listen
a little more closely
to what he has to say.

(ALL MUTTERING)

Any other questions?

Uh, yeah, I have a question.

Have you lost your mind?

Results from other races
in the southeastern part
of the state.

New Bedford has a close
assembly race going as do
Duxbury and Fall River.

You know, I'll never
understand that performance
of yours last night, Fay.

You could have wiped
the floor with Roy.

Yeah, I hate to criticize,
but even I could've done
better than that.

Well, I just don't believe
in slinging mud.

Well, he sure slung
some at you.

A few days ago, he called you
a left leaning pinko lackey

of special interest groups.

That can be taken two ways.

Fay, uh...

Listen, no matter
how this turns out,

I want to thank you
for what you did last night.

Oh, don't mention it, Roy.

No, no. I--I laid in bed
last night thinking,

"How can I thank Fay?

"How can I express to her
my appreciation?"

Then it came to me.

Mail-order steaks.

So don't be surprised
if you find a couple of
T-bones on your doorstep

in six to eight weeks.

Well, thank you, Roy.
I'll look for them.

And in the race
out on Nantucket,
we have a winner.

Roy Biggins.

(LAUGHING) I won!

I won! I won! I won!

Can I have
your attention please?

I--I just wanna thank
all the kind people
who supported me.

And rest assured that
Roy Biggins will serve

as councilman with compassion,

sensitivity and honesty.

Because Roy Biggins is
a man of the people.

Now it's time to crack
open the champagne.

(ALL CHEERING)

Hey, who invited you?

I say we pants him.