Wings (1990–1997): Season 2, Episode 21 - Murder She Roast - full transcript

HOW WAS YOUR MEAL?

UH, LET'S JUST HOPE
YOUR COFFEE IS BETTER
THAN YOUR COOKING.

GIVE ME A CUP
OF DECAF TO GO.

ONLY IF YOU
GO WITH IT. HMM.

HEY, HEY, HEY!
ARE YOU SURE THAT'S DECAF?

YES, I'M SURE.

YOU'RE POSITIVE?
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY SURE?
I'M--

WHAT DO YOU
WANT ME TO DO,
TAKE A POLYGRAPH?

WELL, YOU'D BETTER
BE RIGHT,

'CAUSE I DON'T WANNA
BE UP ALL NIGHT.

LOOK, PAL,
I WOULDN'T WANNA DISTURB
YOUR BEAUTY SLEEP.



YOU NEED ALL YOU CAN GET.
HEY, LOOK, YOU...

OH, LOOK, YOU.
HERE'S MY TELEPHONE NUMBER.

IF YOUR EYES POP OPEN
AT 3:00 A.M., YOU CAN CALL
AND WAKE ME UP.

OH, DON'T THINK
I WON'T, GIRLIE.

OH, MAN, DO YOU
BELIEVE THAT JERK?

I'LL HAVE A LITTLE MORE
OF THAT DECAF, HELEN.

OH, THIS ISN'T DECAF.

BUT YOU GAVE THAT GUY
YOUR NUMBER.

OH, GET REAL.
THAT WAS ROY'S NUMBER.

[seagulls cawing]

OH, HELEN,
KEEP THAT COFFEE COMIN'.

THE STRONGER,
THE BETTER.

ROY, YOU'LL
FLOAT AWAY.

[groaning]
I'VE GOTTA WAKE UP.



SOME NUT CALLED ME
AT 3:00 A.M.

I COULDN'T
GET BACK TO SLEEP.

SOME PEOPLE CAN BE JUST
SO DARN INCONSIDERATE.

[telephone ringing]

I WAS JUST WONDERING

WOULD ANY OF YOU PEOPLE
LIKE TO BUY

12 DOZEN FRYING PANS?

UH, LOWELL, WHY ARE YOU
SELLING FRYING PANS?

WELL, IT'S KIND OF
A FUNNY STORY.

BUNNY WANTED TO MAKE
SOME EXTRA MONEY,

SO SHE HIT UP ON THE IDEA
OF SELLING COOKWARE
DOOR-TO-DOOR.

HAS SHE SOLD ANY?

NOT A ONE.

SHE HAD THEM BOUGHT
AND PAID FOR,

AND THEN REALIZED
SHE'S TOTALLY INCAPABLE
OF TALKING TO STRANGERS.

IT'S THE DARNEDEST THING.

SHE WALKS UP
TO THE DOOR,

RINGS THE BELL AND THEN,
WHEN THE PERSON ANSWERS,

SHE FREEZES UP,

EYES ROLL BACK IN HER HEAD,
AND SHE PASSES OUT.

ANY IDEA HOW I CAN, UH,
UNLOAD THESE SKILLETS?

OH, LOWELL,
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE 'EM DOWN
TO THAT SWAP MEET?

THOSE YO-YOS WILL
BUY ANYTHING.

GOOD IDEA, ROY.

THAT'S WHERE SHE GOT 'EM
IN THE FIRST PLACE.

HE COULDN'T SELL SUNSCREEN
TO A NAKED ALBINO.

(Joe)
HEY, BRIAN--
SHH.

JESSICA HAHN'S
ALMOST FINISHED
WITH HER CONFESSION.

THINK IT'S WORTH
ANOTHER $2

TO HEAR ABOUT
HER FIRST TIME?

NAH.

LISTEN, I JUST
GOT OFF THE PHONE
WITH THE EXTERMINATORS.

THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO
DO A MAJOR FUMIGATION.

THEY RECOMMENDED
WE MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE
FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.

OH, WOW. I GUESS
THE ROACH PROBLEM IS GETTIN'
A LITTLE OUT OF HAND.

LAST NIGHT, I FOUND
A COUPLE OF 'EM

THROWING GAS-SOAKED RAGS
INTO THE ROACH MOTEL.

I DIDN'T HAVE
A ROACH PROBLEM
UNTIL YOU MOVED IN.

WELL, WHAT CAN I TELL YOU?
ANIMALS LOVE ME.

HEY, UH, HELEN,
YEAH?

THE FUMIGATORS ARE
GONNA HAVE TO ZAP
OUR HOUSE AFTER ALL.

CAN I STAY WITH YOU
FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS?
SURE.

GOOD, I'LL BRING
MY STUFF OVER LATER.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKIN' ABOUT?

WELL, I'M GONNA NEED
A PLACE TO STAY,
TOO, RIGHT?

I MEAN, COME ON,
IT'LL BE GREAT.
WE'LL HAVE A PAJAMA PARTY.

NO WAY.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

WE'LL DRESS UP
IN SHORT NIGHTIES,

WE'LL SPIN SOME 45s,
CURL EACH OTHER'S HAIR.

BRIAN, JUST THE THOUGHT
OF YOU IN A NIGHTIE

IS ENOUGH
TO CURL MY HAIR.

IS IT SOMETHIN'
YOU DO A LOT?

YOU THINK OF ME
IN MY SCANTIES?

BRIAN,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
MAKE YOUR OWN
ARRANGEMENTS, PAL.

BRIAN, OLD BUDDY,
BE HAPPY TO HAVE YOU
STAY WITH US ON THE BOAT.

OH, WELL,
THANKS A LOT, LOWELL.
THANKS.

EXCEPT MY WIFE
HATES YOU.

BUNNY HATES ME?

WELL, SHE THINKS YOU SHOT
HER BROTHER IN THE LEG.

WHY WOULD
SHE THINK THAT?

WELL, I COULDN'T
VERY WELL TELL HER
THAT I DID IT, COULD I?

OH, LOWELL.

WELL, IT WAS
AN ACCIDENT.

YOU'D BE AMAZED HOW MUCH
THAT MAN LOOKS LIKE AN ELK.

UH, BRIAN,
YOU COULD STAY WITH ME.

OH, THAT'S SWEET, FAY,
BUT I--I WOULDN'T WANT
TO IMPOSE.

OH, NO, I'D-- I'D
RATHER ENJOY IT.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT
ALL THAT SATISFYING
PLAYING SCRABBLE BY MYSELF.

I MEAN, THE WORDS
I LET MYSELF
GET AWAY WITH...

WELL, NO,
THANKS--THANKS A LOT, FAY.
I'LL THINK ABOUT IT, OK?

BRIAN, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
IT'S A GREAT OFFER.

I DON'T WANNA STAY OVER
AT FAY'S HOUSE.

IT SMELLS
LIKE DRIED FLOWERS
AND CREAM OF WHEAT.

SHE'S GOT
ONE OF THOSE FURRY COVERS
FOR HER TOILET SEAT,

KEEPS FALLING DOWN
WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT.

IT'S LIKE A GUILLOTINE.

[phone ringing]

HACKETT, I'M GONNA
GIVE YOU A BREAK.

FOR A COUPLE OF BUCKS,
YOU CAN STAY AT MY PLACE.

ROY, I'M TRYIN'
TO GET OUT OF A PLACE

THAT'S FILLED
WITH DISGUSTING CREATURES
AND POISON GAS.

SO WHAT'S YOUR ANSWER?

OH, FAY!

OH, FAY,

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND ME
HAVING DESSERT IN HERE,

BUT I DIDN'T WANNA
MISS MY PROGRAM
FUGITIVES FROM JUSTICE.

OH, THAT'S FINE, BRIAN.

AND, FAY, BY THE WAY,
THIS PIE IS INCREDIBLE.

YOU GOTTA GET OUT
THE RECIPE.

UH, DO YOU WANT ME
TO WRITE IT DOWN FOR YOU?

NO, I WANT YOU
TO BAKE ANOTHER ONE.

FAY, FAY,
I WAS ONLY KIDDING.
IT CAN WAIT...

[chuckling]
OH.

UNTIL TOMORROW.

YOU KNOW, FAY, MMM,

THESE LAST FEW DAYS
HAVE BEEN GREAT.

YOU'VE TAKEN
SUCH GOOD CARE OF ME.

WELL, I-IT'S BEEN FUN
FOR ME, TOO.

YOU KNOW, IT BRINGS BACK
A LOT OF FOND MEMORIES.

WELL, BEFORE I WAS MARRIED,
I USED TO TAKE IN BOARDERS.
HMM?

OH, IT WAS NICE TO HAVE
A MAN AROUND THE HOUSE,

SOMEONE TO COOK FOR
AND CLEAN FOR...

AND IRON FOR.

I KNOW,
LIGHT STARCH IN THE COLLAR
AND THE BODY SOFT.

AH, AND YOU JUST ABOUT
HAVE IT RIGHT.

OH, OH, FAY,
FUGITIVES FROM JUSTICE
IS JUST ABOUT TO START.

WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN
AND MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME?

NO, BRIAN,
I FIND THOSE SHOWS
VERY DISTURBING.

HEH, THAT'S WHY
I LIKE 'EM.

[theme music playing
on T.V.]

(Maury)
1958, ATLANTA.

DALE HAMMOND DIES
FROM EATING PEAS

LACED WITH STRYCHNINE.

2 YEARS LATER
IN ST. LOUIS,

FRANK DOUCETTE EXPIRES

AND THE CAUSE OF DEATH,
TAINTED MERINGUE.

[snickering]

THE FOLLOWING YEAR
IN DENVER,

CLARK SMALL IS FOUND
BLUDGEONED TO DEATH.

THE MURDER WEAPON,
A FROZEN LEG OF LAMB.

WHAT DO ALL OF THESE VICTIMS
HAVE IN COMMON?

THEY WERE ALL BOARDERS

IN THE HOME
OF ONE FLORENCE CHAMBERS,

A.K.A. THE CULINARY KILLER.

OOH!

AS SHE MOVED
ACROSS THE COUNTRY,

CHAMBERS IS THOUGHT
TO HAVE LEFT THE BODIES

OF 15 YOUNG MEN
IN HER WAKE.

HELLO, EVERYONE,
I'M MAURY POVICH,

AND JOIN US
FOR ANOTHER EDITION
OF FUGITIVES FROM JUSTICE.

HEY, FAY,
YOU SHOULD SIT DOWN.
THIS IS GONNA BE A GOOD ONE.

OH, NO, THANKS, BRIAN.

I THINK
I'M GONNA STRIP THE BEDS
AND CHANGE THE LINENS.

OH, THAT'S
A HARD JOB, FAY.
LET ME HELP YOU.

OH, I DON'T WANT YOU
TO MISS YOUR PROGRAM.

OK, THANKS.

[theme music playing]

(Maury)
FLORENCE CHAMBERS
WAS LAST SEEN

IN DALLAS, TEXAS, IN 1965.

WE TOOK THE LAST KNOWN
PICTURE OF THIS FIENDISH
FOOD POISONER

AND COMPUTER-AGED IT

TO APPROXIMATE
WHAT SHE WOULD
LOOK LIKE TODAY.

IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION
(Fay)
BRIAN?

AS TO THE WHEREABOUTS OF--

UH, BRIAN, DO YOU WANT
SOME MORE COCOA?

MMM-MMM.

WELL, OK.
YOU LET ME KNOW
IF YOU DO.

ROY, I'VE GOT A PRODUCT
THAT'S GONNA CHANGE YOUR LIFE,

AND I'M IN
A WHEELIN', DEALIN' MOOD.

LOWELL, I AM NOT BUYIN'
ONE OF THOSE DAMN SKILLETS.

OH, I'M NOT
SELLIN' SKILLETS, ROY.

I'M SELLIN' DREAMS.

I TOOK YOUR ADVICE.
I WENT DOWN
TO THE SWAP MEET,

AND I TRADED
THOSE SKILLETS IN
FOR SOMETHIN' EVEN BETTER.

I AM THE SOLE
EAST COAST DISTRIBUTOR

OF A HONEY
OF A PRODUCT.

IT'S MORE THAN
A BARBECUE.

IT'S MORE THAN A CAR.

IT'S A CAR-B-CUE.

YOU STICK YOUR FOOD
IN THE CAR-B-CUE,

PUT IT ON YOUR CAR ENGINE,
CLOSE THE HOOD,

AND AS YOU DRIVE,
YOUR CAR BECOMES
THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COOKS.

OH, BROTHER.

NO, NO, ROY.

I'VE SEEN THE FUTURE,
AND IT'S WELL-DONE.

IT'S PERFECT FOR YOU,
THE BUSY EXECUTIVE.

YOU WORK LATE AT NIGHT.

POP A FEW KNACKWURST
IN THE CAR-B-CUE

AND BEFORE YOU GET
INTO THE GARAGE,

IT'S "PASS THE GREY POUPON."

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

NO, IT'S EVEN GREAT
FOR WEEKEND TRIPS, ROY.

REMEMBER WHEN RUNNING OVER
A POSSUM WAS A TRAGEDY?

NOW IT'S A PARTY.

LOWELL,
THIS IS THE STUPIDEST,
MOST RIDICULOUS...

DOES IT DO RIBS?

LIKE A TENNESSEE SMOKEHOUSE.

NOW, HOW MANY DO YOU WANT?
UH, ONE FOR ME.

ONE FOR CHEF ROY.

AND MY PARENTS' ANNIVERSARY
IS COMING UP, SO MAKE IT 2.

ANOTHER FOR MA
AND PA BIGGINS.

[people chattering]

HI, EVERYBODY.
HEY, BRIAN.

HI, BRIAN.
HI, HI, HI.

[chuckling]

[inaudible]

GUYS, GUYS,
SOMETHIN' HAPPENED LAST NIGHT
AND I REALLY HAVE TO--

WHO ARE YOU?
CARL TORLEY.

FROM PROVIDENCE.

I CAME HERE
TO SEE MY BROTHER.

WELL, DO YOU SEE HIM
IN HERE, CARL?

WELL, YOU--YOU WERE,
YOU KNOW...

I THOUGHT YOU MEANT ME.

NO, I DIDN'T.
GIVE MY BEST
TO YOUR BROTHER.

YOU KNOW MY BROTHER?

NO, NO, NO, NO.

OK, COME ON, BRIAN,
I GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK.
WHAT IS IT?

OK, OK, ALL RIGHT.
NOW, LISTEN.

DO YOU KNOW THE PROGRAM
FUGITIVES FROM JUSTICE?
YES.

WELL, FAY WAS ON IT
LAST NIGHT,

AND SHE IS WANTED
FOR MURDER.

SEE YOU LATER.
OH, NO, NO,
COME ON, NOW.

NOW, HEAR ME OUT.

YOU KNOW, BRIAN, THIS IS
REALLY PRETTY STUPID,
EVEN FOR YOU.

YES, NOW, LOOK, STO--
I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY.

BUT LAST NIGHT,
THEY WERE DOIN' A STORY
ABOUT THIS WOMAN

WHO TRAVELED
FROM CITY TO CITY,

YOU KNOW, DENVER, ATLANTA,
DALLAS, ST. LOUIS,

TAKIN' IN BOARDERS
AND KILLING THEM.

AND GET THIS,
JUST LAST NIGHT,

FAY SAID TO ME
THAT SHE USED TO TAKE IN
BOARDERS ALL THE TIME.

BRIAN, THAT DOESN'T
PROVE ANYTHING.

W-WAIT, WAIT.
I DIDN'T TELL YOU
THE MOST CHILLING PART.

THEY SHOWED
A COMPUTER-AGED PHOTOGRAPH

OF WHAT THIS WOMAN
WOULD LOOK LIKE TODAY

[stuttering]
AND WITHOUT A DOUBT,
IT WAS FAY!

BRIAN, GET A GRIP
ON YOURSELF.

YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT FAY. OUR FAY.

I KNOW, I KNOW,
IT SOUNDS CRAZY,

BUT--BUT,
JUST LISTEN TO ME.

HOW MUCH DO WE
REALLY KNOW ABOUT HER?

I MEAN, WE KNOW
THAT SHE WAS MARRIED,

BUT WHERE ARE
HER HUSBANDS NOW?

I'LL TELL YOU WHERE.

DEAD, BURIED,
THE HARP FARM.

BRIAN, I AM SURE
YOU SAW A PICTURE

THAT IN SOME SMALL WAY
RESEMBLED FAY,

BUT I'M ALSO SURE
THAT THERE IS NO WAY

THE WOMAN ON THAT PROGRAM
WAS HER.

NO, OF COURSE NOT.
FAY IS THE SWEETEST,

KINDEST WOMAN
I'VE EVER MET
IN MY LIFE.

BOY, THAT'S HOW
EVERY HOMICIDAL MANIAC'S
NEIGHBOR DESCRIBES THEM.

"HE WAS THE SWEETEST,
KINDEST, GENTLEST MAN

"I HAVE EVER MET.

"WAS VERY QUIET.

"ALWAYS SAID HELLO.

HELPED ME BUILD
A DOG PEN."

YOU KNOW,
JUST--JUST--JUST ONCE,

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR
SOMEONE SAY,

"HE WAS A RAVING LUNATIC.

"I FEARED FOR MY LIFE.

"I WAS JUST WAITIN'
FOR THE CHAIN SAW

TO COME RIPPIN'
THROUGH THE WALL!"

NO MORE SUGAR
FOR YOU, MISTER.

[laughing]

OK. OK, OK, FINE, FINE.

I DIDN'T SEE IT.
DON'T BELIEVE ME.

IT DIDN'T HAPPEN ANYHOW.
IT WASN'T FAY.

IT WAS A FIGMENT
OF MY IMAGINATION.

BUT WHEN
THE BLOATED CORPSES

START PILING UP
ON MAIN STREET
LIKE CORDS OF WOOD,

LET IT BE
ON YOUR HEADS.

I CAN LIVE WITH THAT.

HELEN?

I RARELY GO
INTO TOWN.

ROY, WHERE HAVE
YOU BEEN?

I'VE BEEN LOOKIN'
ALL OVER FOR YOU.

I HAD TO DRIVE AROUND
THE AIRPORT A FEW TIMES.

THE CHICKEN WASN'T
QUITE DONE YET.

TRY THIS.
IT'S POSITIVELY SUCCULENT.

MMM, BOY,
THAT'S CAR-B-CUED CHICKEN
IF I EVER TASTED IT.

MMM.

LOWELL, THANKS
FOR TURNING ME
ON TO THIS.

I THINK I'M GONNA DO
A LITTLE COOKING
THIS WEEKEND.

I'M GONNA DRIVE
DOWN TO VIRGINIA,
THAT'S ABOUT A DAY'S DRIVE,

AND I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO MAKE PEKING DUCK.

BON APPETIT,
AND DRIVE SAFELY, ROY.

[airplane approaching]

[people chattering]

HEY,

HOW ABOUT
A CUP OF COFFEE, HELEN?

SURE.

SO, HOW'S TOMORROW'S FLIGHT
TO NEW BEDFORD SHAPIN' UP?

UM, I GUESS,
WE'RE ABOUT HALF-FULL.

PROBABLY PICK UP
SOME WALK-INS
IN THE MORNING.

GOOD.
GOOD, GOOD.

HEY, FAY,

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT
TAKING A LITTLE VACATION
LATER ON THIS YEAR

AND I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU COULD HELP ME OUT.
UH, THANK YOU.

HAVE YOU EVER
BEEN TO, UH, DENVER,
ATLANTA, DALLAS, AND...

ST. LOUIS?

UH, WELL, I DID LIVE
IN ATLANTA AND ST. LOUIS.

OH, BUT NOT DENVER
OR DALLAS?

NO. OH, ALTHOUGH
I DID FLY THERE
WHEN I WAS A STEWARDESS.

AHA! I MEAN, UH, OH.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

WHO CAN HELP ME SETTLE
A BAR BET HERE?

UM, HOW DO YOU SPELL

STRYCHNINE?

S-T-R-Y--
NOT YOU, YOU IDIOT.

UH, LET'S SEE, STRYCHNINE.
STRYCHNINE.

S-T-R-Y-C-H-N-I-N-E.

STRYCHNINE.

I WAS ALWAYS
A GOOD SPELLER IN SCHOOL.

WHY, FAY, YOU'RE GOOD
AT A LOT OF THINGS.

YOU'RE-- YOU'RE
A GOOD SPELLER,

YOU'RE A GOOD,
UH, WORKER.

GOOD WIFE.

BOY, IT'S REALLY A SHAME
ABOUT YOUR HUSBANDS,

THEM DYIN' LIKE THAT.
NOW, HOW--HOW DID THEY DIE?
I FORGET. I...

I REMEMBER
THE FIRST ONE

WAS HIT BY A TRUCK,

AND THE 3RD ONE
DROPPED DEAD
IN HIS CHAIR

WHICH HAPPENS.

BUT WHAT HAPPENED
TO NUMBER 2 AGAIN?

YOU CERTAINLY SEEM
TO HAVE DEVELOPED

A MORBID CURIOSITY
ALL OF A SUDDEN.

JUST TRYIN' TO HAVE
A PLEASANT CONVERSATION,
IS ALL. THAT'S ALL.

OH, UH,
IF YOU ASK ME,

THE TROUBLE IS
THAT YOU'RE WATCHING
THOSE CREEPY TELEVISION SHOWS.

I MEAN, WHY--WHY DON'T YOU
WATCH SOMETHING CHEERY,

LIKE, UM, UH,
REGIS AND KATHIE LEE?

[laughing]
THAT REGIS IS
SUCH A RASCAL.

YOU GUYS NEED
ANY MORE PROOF
THAN THAT, HMM?

NO, NOT FOR ME.
I THINK WE CAN CALL
THE STATE MENTAL HOSPITAL

AND HAVE YOU STRAPPED DOWN
AND SEDATED BY THIS EVENING.

YOU GUYS NEED
MORE PROOF? FINE.

I MADE A LITTLE VISIT
OVER TO THE HOME
OF FLORENCE CHAMBERS

A.K.A. FAY COCHRAN.

WHAT'S THIS?

EXHIBIT A,
FOUND IN HER POTTING SHED,
STRYCHNINE.

OH.
BRIAN, SHE PROBABLY
USES IT TO KILL RATS.

YEAH, I SUPPOSE
TO THE BLIND AND NAIVE,
IT WOULD APPEAR SO.

OH, COME ON, BRIAN.

LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN,
SHE DIDN'T JUST POISON
HER VICTIMS, EITHER.

SHE EVEN BLUDGEONED
ONE POOR SCHLUB
WITH A FROZEN LEG OF LAMB,

AND WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE

FAY HAS IN THE TOP SHELF
OF HER FREEZER?

PUDDING POPS?

WELL, NOT ANYMORE,
BUT FOLLOW ALONG.

A LEG OF LAMB.

BRIAN, FOR PETE'S SAKE...

NO, JOE, LET'S
FOR A SECOND ASSUME
THAT BRIAN IS RIGHT.

THANK YOU, HELEN.

YOU'VE JUST MADE
A FATAL MISTAKE.

W-WHY? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

OH, BRIAN,
YOU'VE TIPPED YOUR HAND.
SHE'S ONTO YOU.

YOU'RE OVER THERE
ASKING HER
ALL THOSE QUESTIONS.

I MEAN, HERE SHE IS
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,

SHE'S FINALLY
GOT HER LIFE TOGETHER.

NOW SHE KNOWS
YOU'RE GONNA RAT ON HER.

AND YOU KNOW
WHAT SHE DOES TO RATS.

YOU GUYS ARE TRYIN'
TO SPOOK ME.

I WON'T BE SPOOKED
(Fay)
BRIAN...

[gasping]
ANYMORE!

UM, SINCE YOU'RE MOVING BACK
INTO YOUR HOUSE TOMORROW,

WHY DON'T I MAKE A SPECIAL
FAREWELL DINNER TONIGHT?

FAREWELL?

WELL, AND--AND
I HAVE JUST THE THING
I'VE BEEN SAVING

FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION
LIKE THIS.

A NICE LEG OF LAMB.

SOUNDS A LITTLE DANGEROUS.

DANGEROUS?
DELICIOUS.

SOUNDS A LITTLE DELICIOUS.

A LITTLE DELICIOUS?

IT'S TO DIE FOR.

UH, HELEN, OVER HERE.
JOE, YOU SIT OVER THERE.

AND, BRIAN, SINCE
YOU'RE THE GUEST OF HONOR,
I WANT YOU TO SIT RIGHT HERE.

UH, NOW,
IF YOU'RE ALL COMFORTABLE,
I'LL GO GET THE SALAD.

NOW, FAY,
I HOPE THAT JOE AND I
AREN'T AN INCONVENIENCE.

I THOUGHT BRIAN
HAD ASKED YOU.

OH, NO, NOT AT ALL.

WELL, I HOPE THIS DOESN'T
UPSET ANY PLANS YOU HAD
FOR THE EVENING, HMM?

WELL, IT DID THROW ME
FOR A MINUTE,

BUT, YOU KNOW,
I CAN BE PRETTY RESOURCEFUL
WHEN I HAVE TO BE.

JOE. JOE,
CHANGE SEATS WITH ME.
WHAT FOR?

BECAUSE SHE PUT ME HERE
FOR A REASON.

AND IF SHE WANTS ME HERE,
THEN I'M GONNA BE THERE.

IT'S A GREAT PLAN, BRIAN.
SHE'LL NEVER FIND YOU
WAY OVER THERE.

OH, FAY, THIS LOOKS GREAT.

THANK YOU.
YEAH,

[thudding]
KILLER SALAD.

OW!

UM...

[chuckling]
UH... OH,
THERE'S BEEN A CHANGE.

I ALMOST GAVE YOU
BRIAN'S SALAD.

WAIT, THEY'RE NOT
ALL ALIKE?

WELL, I KNOW
YOU LIKE EXTRA CARROTS.

SO, UH, GO AHEAD
AND DIG IN.

I'LL BE BACK
IN A MINUTE.

GIVE ME THAT.

BRIAN, DON'T DO THAT!

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF FAY'S
WHO YOU THINK SHE IS,

SHE KNEW YOU WERE
GONNA DO THAT.

OH, MY GOD,
YOU'RE RIGHT. HERE.

AND CHANGE SEATS
WITH ME.

WE JUST...
JUST--JUST...

OH. OK.

WAIT!
WHAT--WHAT?

OH, SHE PROBABLY
KNEW THAT, TOO.

OH, GOD, SHE'S GOOD.
HERE, SIT DOWN.
HURRY, HURRY, HURRY.

HELEN.
WHAT?

GIVE ME YOUR SALAD.
OK.

YOU AGREED TO THAT
AWFULLY QUICKLY.

WHY DO YOU WANT ME
TO HAVE YOUR SALAD?

'CAUSE YOU ASKED ME
FOR IT.
OH, YEAH?

YOU THINK I'M GONNA
FALL FOR THAT?
FORGET IT.

I--I--I LOST TRACK.
WHO'S GOT THE POISON?

OH, WELL.

SEE YOU IN HELL.

IT'S DELICIOUS.

THAT'S GREAT.
HILARIOUS. HILARIOUS.

UM, I HAVE
A CONFESSION TO MAKE.

OH, REALLY?

WELL, I--I KNOW
I PROMISED YOU
A LEG OF LAMB,

BUT THERE WASN'T TIME
TO THAW IT OUT.

SO IN OTHER WORDS
IT'S STILL LOADED--
I MEAN, FROZEN.

YEAH, BUT, THANK GOODNESS
LOWELL SOLD ME
ONE OF THOSE CAR-B-CUES.

SO I ROASTED A CHICKEN
ON THE WAY HOME.

I'M A DEAD MAN.
I'M A DEAD MAN.

I'M SITTIN' HERE
TALKING TO YOU NOW,
BUT I'M A DEAD MAN.

OH, WELL, IN THAT CASE,
WOULD YOU MIND SETTLING UP
YOUR LUNCH BILL?

YOU OWE ME
ABOUT $90.

HAVE JOE TAKE IT OUT
OF MY ESTATE.

BRIAN, 80 HAWAIIAN SHIRTS
AND A SKATEBOARD

DO NOT CONSTITUTE
AN ESTATE.

BRIAN, COULD I SEE YOU
IN THE KITCHEN
FOR A MOMENT?

AND THERE IT IS,
AND I'M OUT OF HERE.

NO!
OH!

NO, LOOK. C-COME WITH ME.
COME WITH ME.
NO, BRIAN.

DO YOU REALLY THINK
SHE'S GONNA KILL YOU

WITH US SITTING
RIGHT OUT HERE?

SHE'S JUST CRAZY ENOUGH
TO TRY IT.

(Fay)
BRIAN?

GO.

IT'S SCARY TO THINK
THAT WE LIVE IN A COUNTRY

WHERE ANYBODY CAN JUST
WALK UP TO A COUNTER
AND PURCHASE MEAT.

OH, UH, UH, BRIAN,
MY GARBAGE DISPOSAL
ISN'T WORKING.

COULD YOU PLEASE,
UH, REACH IN THERE

AND PUSH THE RESET BUTTON
FOR ME?

WHY?

BECAUSE IT ISN'T WORKING.

I-IT'S HARD FOR ME
TO GET UNDER THERE.

YEAH.

WHERE ARE YOU GONNA BE?

RIGHT HERE.

OK.

COME ON.
OK.

GO ON.
OK.

OK. OK.
[chuckling]
GO ON.

THAT'S IT.

[both chuckling]

GEE, NOW THAT
I HAVE A TASTE FOR IT,

I THINK I'LL JUST GO AHEAD
AND DEFROST THAT LEG OF LAMB
FOR TOMORROW.

[screaming]

OH, MY GOD! BRIAN!

BRIAN!

[Helen gasping]
OH, MY GOD!

[Helen and Fay screaming]

(Maury)
WE HAVE AN UPDATE
ON LAST WEEK'S STORY.

THANKS TO
THE DILIGENT EFFORTS
OF OUR VIEWERS,

FLORENCE CHAMBERS,
A.K.A. THE CULINARY KILLER,

HAS BEEN APPREHENDED.

THE F.B.I. RECEIVED TIPS
FROM AS FAR WEST AS RENO

AND AS FAR EAST
AS NANTUCKET.

IT WAS
A TOLL-FREE NUMBER.

CHAMBERS WAS FINALLY LOCATED
IN CHICAGO, ILLINOIS,

COOKING IN THE RECTORY
OF ST. FINBARR'S PARISH.

THE PASTOR, FATHER HENLEY,
DESCRIBED CHAMBERS

AS, "A SWEET, CARING WOMAN

WHO ALWAYS HAD
A CHEERY HELLO
FOR EVERYONE."

YOU KNOW,
I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE

THAT YOU THOUGHT
I COULD DO
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

I SAID I WAS SORRY.

YOU KNOW, FAY,
IN BRIAN'S DEFENSE,

THAT REALLY DID LOOK
A LOT LIKE YOU.

YOU KNOW,
IF I WAS GONNA KILL YOU,
I WOULD NEVER POISON YOU.

I WOULD JUST TAMPER
WITH THE FUEL GAUGE
ON THE PLANE

AND LET YOU
SINK LIKE A STONE

SOMEWHERE OVER
NANTUCKET SOUND.

FAY!

I'M ONLY KIDDING.

BUT I DO KNOW HOW.