Wings (1990–1997): Season 2, Episode 15 - My Brother's Back - And There's Gonna Be Trouble - full transcript

HEY, ROY,
GOT A MINUTE?

NO.
GREAT.

I'VE BEEN PRACTICING
SOME IMPRESSIONS

FOR THE LIONS CLUB
TALENT SHOW

AND I JUST WANT TO
TRY 'EM OUT ON YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU DO
AN IMPRESSION OF
SOMEONE LEAVING A ROOM?

ARE YOU READY? OK.

[phone ringing]

[sighing]

[speaking gruffly]
HI. I'M JACK BENNY.

LOWELL, THAT IS THE WORST
IMPERSONATION OF JACK BENNY
I'VE EVER SEEN.



BUT YOU KNEW
WHO IT WAS.

OK, WHO'S THIS?

[people chattering]

[speaking gruffly]
HI. I'M BETTE DAVIS.

OH, GEEZ.

NO, WAIT, WAIT.
THAT WAS KATHARINE HEPBURN.

I'M ALWAYS GETTIN'
THE 2 OF 'EM MIXED UP.

OK, HERE, TRY AGAIN.

[speaking gruffly]
HI. I'M BETTE DAVIS.

ROY!

[seagulls cawing]

JUST ABOUT DONE
WITH THAT, LOWELL?

I'LL BE THROUGH
IN A JIFF, JOE.

YOU KNOW, JOE,
THE LORD HAS BLESSED ME.



OH, YEAH?
HOW'S THAT, LOWELL?

I'VE GOT
A BEAUTIFUL WIFE.

SOMETIMES I JUST LIKE
TO LIE IN BED
AND WATCH HER SLEEP.

HER FACE BATHED
IN MOONLIGHT,

HER HAIR CASCADING
ACROSS HER PILLOW,

HER BREASTS RISING AND FALLING
UNDER THE COVERS.

YOU EVER DO THAT, JOE?

YOU MEAN
WITH A GIRLFRIEND?

NO! I MEAN WITH MY WIFE!

THE GUYS TOLD ME YOU WERE
LOOKIN' AT HER FUNNY

THE OTHER DAY WHEN
SHE CAME TO PICK ME UP.

LOWELL, NO.

BELIEVE ME. NO.

I'M SORRY, JOE.

I GUESS I'M JUST
A JEALOUS FOOL.

NOW, JUST FORGET
I SAID ANYTHING ABOUT IT,

ESPECIALLY THE PART
ABOUT HER HEAVING BREASTS.

AND, UH,

JOE, COULD YOU HAND ME
THAT CRESCENT WRENCH
DOWN THERE?

YEAH, SURE.

OH, GOD! I KNEW
I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.

AHA! SO THE TRUTH COMES OUT,
YOU HOME WRECKER!

NO, LOWELL,
IT'S MY BACK.

OH. WELL, THANK GOD.

LET ME HELP YOU UP.

HEY, JOE. ARE WE ON
FOR THAT 5 K RUN
IN THE MORNING?

UH, MY BACK'S
GONE OUT AGAIN.

OH! YOU OK?

OK, DON'T MAKE
ANY SUDDEN MOVES.

ALL RIGHT,
I'M GONNA GO FOR HELP.

HEY, LOWELL.
YEAH?

YOUR SHOE'S UNTIED.

HAH! NOT FALLIN'
FOR THAT OLD TRICK.

UH, THANKS, JOE.

OK, CAN YOU
STAND UP, HONEY?

OH, NO. I--I DON'T THINK SO.
I'M--I'M CLOSER TO THE FLOOR.
WHY DON'T WE GO THERE?

NO, NO, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT. BAD IDEA.

OH, THE FLOOR'S TOO HARD
FOR YOUR BACK?

NO. THESE ARE NEW PANTS.

OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES!

[groaning]

[grunting]

BE EASY.

[groaning]

LET ME HELP YOU.

[groaning]

WHOA, DON'T YOU KIDS
HAVE A HOME?

I MEAN, THE LEAST
YOU CAN DO IS
USE THE DESK IN THE OFFICE.

JOE'S BACK WENT OUT.

YEAH, I'LL BET IT DID.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, LET'S GET
THIS BIG BABY INSIDE, OK?

OW! OW!
WHAT'S WRONG?

[gasps]
WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, JOE'S BACK WENT OUT
AND BRIAN TRIED TO MOVE HIM.

OH, NO, MOVING HIM
COULD REALLY HURT.

WE SHOULD GET SOME ICE
FOR HIS BACK.

UH, NO, YOU ONLY APPLY ICE
AFTER YOU APPLY MOIST HEAT.

MAYBE SOMEONE SHOULD
TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL.
NO, IT'S ICE, THEN HEAT.

NO, IT'S HEAT, THEN ICE.

ARE YOU SURE
YOU JUST DON'T BREATHE
INTO A BROWN PAPER BAG?

YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE SHOULD
TAKE HIM TO A CHIROPRACTOR.

[razzing]
NO, WHAT HE REALLY NEEDS
IS SOME ACUPUNCTURE.

UH, THE HOSPITAL--
(Roy)
ACUPUNCTURE?

WHY DON'T WE JUST WAVE
A DEAD CHICKEN OVER HIM?

(Helen)
LET'S JUST GET A CONSENSUS...

(Brian)
WHY DON'T WE JUST TAKE HIM
TO A GENERAL PRACTITIONER?

(Roy)
A GENERAL PRACTITIONER?

YOU KNOW WHAT
THAT'S GONNA COST?

[all chattering]

(Helen)
OH, CHEER UP, JOE.

FEW DAYS BED REST
AND YOU'LL BE
AS GOOD AS NEW.

YEAH, BUT WHY TRACTION?

BECAUSE THE DOCTOR SAID
THAT'S THE FASTEST WAY
FOR YOU TO GET BETTER.

BESIDES, YOU LOOK SO HANDSOME
IN A HOSPITAL GOWN.

ESPECIALLY FROM BEHIND.

DON'T TOUCH ME, HELEN.
I'M STERILE.

ON BEHALF OF ALL THE WOMEN
OF CHILDBEARING AGE,

THANK GOD.

WHERE'D YOU
GET THOSE, BRIAN?

BORROWED THESE
FROM A LOCKED CLOSET.

WELL, I'VE GOT TO GET
BACK TO THE COUNTER
BEFORE LUNCH.

I LEFT LOWELL IN CHARGE.

LAST TIME I DID THAT,
HE SUCKED ALL THE PIMENTOS
OUT OF THE OLIVES.

SEE YOU TONIGHT.
BYE.

[sighing]
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS LOWELL.

I CAN'T BE HERE.
I'VE GOT AN AIRLINE TO RUN.

JOE, JUST STOP IT.
JUST RELAX, WILL YOU?

JUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE.
RELAX. I WILL TAKE CARE
OF EVERYTHING. TRUST ME.

BRIAN, THE LAST TIME
YOU SAID, "TRUST ME,"
I WOUND UP NAKED ON I-95,

TRYIN' TO FLAG DOWN
ONCOMING TRAFFIC.

BUT WHO PULLED OVER
FOR YOU?

EXCUSE ME. HI.
UH, I'M NEW HERE.

WOULD YOU BE
DR. HEILBRON?

YES, I AM. AND, NURSE,
I WANT THIS PATIENT
SHAVED IMMEDIATELY.

LOOK, BRIAN...

WELL, I DON'T KNOW,
DOCTOR.

I'VE NEVER SHAVED
ANYONE BEFORE.

I--I THOUGHT I WAS JUST
GONNA PASS OUT, YOU KNOW,
MAGAZINES AND CANDY BARS.

WELL, AS SOON AS
YOU FINISH SHAVING HIM,
JUST GIVE HIM A BUTTERFINGER.

BRIAN...

SHAVE HIM
FROM HEAD TO TOE.

I WANT HIM AS SMOOTH
AS THE DAY HE WAS BORN.

BRIAN--
I DON'T KNOW
WHERE I'M GOIN' IN YET,

AND, UH, I LIKE TO
KEEP MY OPTIONS OPEN.

YES, DOCTOR.

SO, JOE, YOU WERE SAYIN'?
THERE, YOU SEE?

THA-- BRIAN, THAT IS EXACTLY
THE KIND OF IMMATURITY
COME ON.

AND IRRESPONSIBILITY
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT. YOU DON'T
TAKE ANYTHING SERIOUSLY.

YOU KNOW, JOE,
I'VE BEEN ON CALL
FOR 48 HOURS STRAIGHT,

DID 5 GALL BLADDERS
THIS MORNING,

I'M SURROUNDED BY THE STENCH
OF DISEASE AND DEATH.

EXCUSE ME IF I JUST WANT
TO LAUGH, JUST A LITTLE.

ALL RIGHT, SHUT UP
AND GET ME DOWN FROM THIS.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
JOE, COME ON, NOW, LOOK--
WHOA!

THERE'S A SOUND
THAT'LL BRING A GROWN MAN
TO HIS KNEES, HUH?

COME ON, SERIOUSLY,
I KNOW I GOOF AROUND
A LOT, OK?

BUT YOU NEED ME NOW
AND I WANNA COME THROUGH
FOR YOU.

WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE
A CHOICE. ALL RIGHT. OK.
RIGHT.

WELL, LET ME BRIEF YOU.
ALL RIGHT.

THERE'S A SCHEDULE
OF ALL MY DAILY ACTIVITIES

IN THE BOTTOM RIGHT-HAND
DRAWER OF THE DESK.
MMM-HMM.

IT'S FILED UNDER
"S" FOR SCHEDULE.
SUB-HEADED "D" FOR DAILY.

NOW, THE BEAUTY
OF THAT SYSTEM IS--
JOE, JOE, JOE, JOE.

I'M SURE YOUR SYSTEM
IS AS WONDERFULLY EFFICIENT

AS IT IS EXCRUCIATINGLY
SELF-EXPLANATORY.

EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE
JUST FINE.

OK.

BRIAN?
WHAT?

THANKS.

FORGET IT, OK. JUST--
JUST TAKE IT EASY, BROTHER.
ALL RIGHT?

[kisses]
BEHAVE!

GOODBYE.
BYE.

[woman on P.A. chattering]

NOW,

I HAVEN'T EVER ACTUALLY
HANDLED A STRAIGHT-EDGED
RAZOR BEFORE,

BUT, IF YOU JUST
BEAR WITH ME--

NO, UH, NO, WAIT. YOU KNOW,
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

HE WAS NOT A REAL DOCTOR.
THAT'S MY--
IT'S MY FIRST TIME, TOO.

WE'RE BOTH NERVOUS.

NO. NO, NO, NO, NO!
YOU GET THAT
AWAY FROM ME!

NURSE! NURSE!

NURSE!

(Brian)
WE'VE COME UP WITH AN IDEA

THAT WE FEEL SURE THAT YOU
AND YOUR STUDENTS COULD
REALLY GO FOR, MR. GREELY.

RIGHT. WE ARE AIMING FOR
A GUINNESS WORLD RECORD.

THE MOST HIGH SCHOOL
BAND MEMBERS

STUFFED INTO
A TWIN-ENGINE CESSNA.

THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW, IT'LL BE
GREAT PUBLICITY
FOR SANDPIPER AIR

AND IT'LL GIVE THE KIDS
MEMORIES THAT THEY'LL CHERISH

FOR THE REST OF
THEIR LIVES, YOU KNOW?

HMM.

W-WHAT? YOU...

YOU WANNA BRING
THE MASCOT ALONG?

THE BAND MASCOT IS FINE.
THE MORE THE MERRIER.

[laughing]
OK. SEE YOU AFTER SCHOOL.

HOW WAS THE FLIGHT, KENNY?
AH, GREAT, SIR.

AND I FINISHED HANDING OUT
THE PROMOTIONAL GIFTS

TO THE PASSENGERS
LIKE YOU ASKED.

HMM, NOT A BAD IDEA, HEY?

OH, IF I MAY
SAY SO, SIR,

PAINTING CRABS
WITH THE SANDPIPER LOGO
WAS A STROKE OF GENIUS.

AN INSPIRED CAMPAIGN.

AH! EMPTY FLATTERY.
I LIKE THAT
IN AN UNDERLING.

[knocking on door]
THANK YOU, SIR.

HI, GUYS.

(Kenny)
HEY, MISS CHAPEL.

HAVE YOU SEEN OUR NEW
PROMOTIONAL GIMMICK?

AH! BLOB OF PAINT
ON THE BACK OF A CRAB.

THAT'D MAKE ME
FLY YOUR AIRLINE.

THAT IS NOT
A BLOB OF PAINT.

THAT IS A SANDPIPER. HUH?

HMM.

WELL, YOU TRY PAINTING
A MOVING CRAB.

BRIAN, I'VE GOT
A GIMMICK FOR YOU.

GREAT. I LIKE
HEARIN' NEW IDEAS.

LET'S TOSS IT AROUND,
SEE IF IT MAKES SALAD.

WHY DON'T YOU LOAD
ALL THE PASSENGERS
ONTO THE PLANE,

MMM-HMM.
AND THEN FLY THEM
WHERE THEY WANNA GO?

THAT HAS BEEN DONE
TO DEATH, HELEN.

SEE, I AM LOOKING
FOR FRESH CONCEPTS.

NEW IDEAS.
IT'S INCREDIBLE.

THE FLOODGATES ARE OPENING.
THE IDEAS ARE FLOWING.
KENNY?

WINGS ON THE SIDES
OF PLANES. WHY?

WRITE IT DOWN.
WRITE IT ALL DOWN.
GOT IT, SIR.

OH, GET A LOAD
OF MY MASTER STROKE.

I'VE ARRANGED
A LITTLE PROMOTIONAL JUNKET
FOR A GROUP OF TRAVEL AGENTS

FROM THE LARGEST
AGENCY IN BOSTON.

AN ALL-EXPENSE-PAID TRIP

TO OUR CHARMING AND HISTORIC
ISLAND OF NANTUCKET,

COURTESY OF SANDPIPER AIR.

IN FACT, I BELIEVE
THAT FAY IS ESCORTING
THEIR WELL-FED BODIES

THROUGH OUR
COBBLESTONE STREETS,
AS WE SPEAK.

BRIAN, HOW CAN YOU
AFFORD THAT?

AFFORD? COME ON.
SEE, SEE, THAT'S JOE TALK.
DON'T YOU GET IT?

WE BUTTER UP
THESE TRAVEL AGENTS,
WE SHOW 'EM A GOOD TIME,

AND THEN THEY SEND
ALL THEIR BUSINESS TO US.

(Kenny)
EXCUSE ME, MR. HACKETT.

DOES "JOE TALK"
HAVE QUOTES AROUND IT?

IT'S YOUR CALL, KID.

I'M CALLING JOE.

NO. HELEN, HELEN, HELEN,
PLEASE. NOW, LOOK,

I KNOW I'M NOT
REAL WELL-KNOWN FOR
COMING THROUGH ON THINGS,

BUT I WANNA PROVE TO JOE
THAT I CAN DO THIS.

I WANNA PROVE TO MYSELF
THAT I CAN DO THIS.

HAVE YOU CONSIDERED
YOU MIGHT BE GETTING IN
OVER YOUR HEAD A LITTLE HERE?

YOU--YOU REALLY HAVE
THAT LITTLE CONFIDENCE
IN MY ABILITY?

"THAT LITTLE" IMPLIES
THAT I HAVE SOME.

I HAVE NONE.

BRIAN, I'M BACK
WITH THE TRAVEL AGENTS.

THEY HAD
A WONDERFUL TIME.

SELDOM IN LIFE
DOES ONE ACHIEVE
SUCH IMMEDIATE VINDICATION.

KENNY!

GO WARM UP THE PLANE
AND START YOUR PRE-FLIGHT.

AYE, AYE, SIR.

I NEVER DOUBTED YOU
FOR A MINUTE.

KID'S A NATURAL SUCK-UP.

SO, THEY ALL HAD
A REALLY NICE TIME, HUH?

OH, YES. THEY ENJOYED
THE CRANBERRY BOG,

MMM-HMM.
AND THE WHALING MUSEUM.

BUT THEY REALLY LOVED IT
WHEN I TOOK THEM THROUGH
HERMAN MELVILLE'S HOUSE.

FAY, HERMAN MELVILLE
NEVER LIVED ON NANTUCKET.

HE DIDN'T?

WELL, THAT
CERTAINLY EXPLAINS

WHY THAT LADY
IN THE TOWEL
WAS SCREAMING AT US.

OK, OK, OK. SO YOU PULLED
THIS ONE THING OFF.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
AND WHO KNOWS,

MAYBE SOME OF THE THINGS
THAT I'VE SET IN MOTION
WILL ACTUALLY PAN OUT,

AND MAYBE BY THE TIME
JOE GETS BACK HERE,

SANDPIPER WILL NO LONGER
BE A ONE-PLANE OPERATION.

MR. HACKETT!
THE PLANE'S MISSING!

SEE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
THE PLANE IS MISSING?

WELL, IT WAS OUT
ON THE TARMAC
A FEW MINUTES AGO,

BUT--BUT NOW IT'S GONE.

WELL, THEN THE PLANE
CAN'T BE MISSING, BUBBALA.

OH, MY MOM'S
ALWAYS COMPLAINING
THAT I'M LOSING THINGS.

FIRST MY JACKET
AT THE PARK,

THEN MY BASEBALL GLOVE,
NOW THE PLANE.

THE PLANE IS MISSING!

OH! YOU LOST
THE PLANE?

NO, I--I...
YOU LOST JOE'S PLANE?

HOW COULD YOU
LOSE THE PLANE, BRIAN?

TELL ME, HOW COULD YOU
LOSE A PLANE?

WHAT DID I EVER
SEE IN YOU?

BRIAN, DO YOU WANT
TO SAY A FEW WORDS

TO THE TRAVEL AGENTS
BEFORE THEY LEAVE?

AH... NO.

UH, THEN I SHOULD GO AHEAD
AND START LOADING THEM.

MMM. NO.

ARE WE HAVING A PROBLEM?

ACTUALLY, FAY--
UH, ACTUALLY,

KENNY ATE ONE OF HELEN'S
CLAM BURRITOS FOR LUNCH

AND HE'S PAYIN' THE PIPER
RIGHT NOW.

NOW, LISTEN, FAY,

I REALLY NEED YOU
TO STALL THESE PEOPLE
OUT THERE.

WHY DON'T YOU SING THEM
ONE OF YOUR IRISH
FOLK SONGS, HMM?

I THINK I CAN BE
A LITTLE MORE CLEVER
THAN THAT.

OK, KENNY, I WANT YOU
TO HOP ON YOUR BIKE.

I WANT YOU TO TURN
THIS AIRPORT UPSIDE DOWN.
WE'VE GOT TO FIND THAT PLANE.

YES, SIR.
AND, KENNY,

I DON'T WANNA PUT
ANY PRESSURE ON YOU,

BUT YOU LOST IT,
YOU FIND IT.

OR ELSE I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN
AND I WILL KILL YOU!

HELEN, HELEN,
HELEN, HELEN!

YOU'RE NOT GONNA
CALL JOE, ARE YOU?

WHAT, AND TELL HIM
YOU LOST THE PLANE?
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

YOU WANT ME TO GIVE HIM
A HEART ATTACK?

ALL I CAN TELL YOU,
BUDDY, IS YOU BETTER
FIND THE PLANE,

AND FIND IT FAST!
OK.

(Fay)
TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO

REAL FAST.

IT'S A BIG PLANE.
HAS TO BE HERE SOMEWHERE.

[sighing]

LOOK, I KNOW I PROBABLY
DON'T DESERVE THIS,

BUT IF YOU JUST GIVE ME
A FEW MINUTES OF PEACE,

I CAN REALLY
SORT THIS OUT.

[knocking on door]

(Fay)
...IRISH LULLABY

HI.

INSPECTOR HANSON
FROM THE F.A.A.

A LITTLE
SPOT INSPECTION.

SURPRISE.

THANKS. EXACTLY
WHAT I HAD IN MIND.

OH, DANNY BOY

OH, DANNY BOY

I LOVE YOU SO

HELEN, HELEN,
I JUST CHECKED
EVERY HANGAR.

I CHECKED EVERY CORNER
OF THE AIRPORT.

IT'S NOT HERE.
THE PLANE IS NOT HERE.

WELL, DID YOU--
THE PLANE IS NOT HERE!

HEY, HACKETT.
WHAT?

YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO ARRANGED

THIS LITTLE JUNKET
FOR US, RIGHT?
YES, SIR. YES, SIR.

WELL, WE'VE HEARD
MOLLY MALONE SING

EVERY IRISH DITTY
SINCE THE POTATO FAMINE.

NOW, WHEN ARE WE
GETTING OUT OF HERE?

VERY SOON, SIR.
VERY SOON.

IF JUST BEAR WITH ME,
JUST FOR A FEW MINUTES.
A FEW MINUTES.

ROY,

YOU GOT ANY EXTRA SEATS
ON YOUR 4:15 TO BOSTON?
MMM-MMM.

WHY? WHAT'S WRONG?
OH, NOTHING.

MR. HACKETT.
EXCUSE ME.

MR. HACKETT, IF I DON'T
GET ON YOUR PLANE

TO INSPECT YOUR PILOT'S LOG
IN 10 MINUTES,

YOU'LL BE FACING
A POSSIBLE SUSPENSION,
A STIFF FINE,

OR BOTH.

SIR, I TOLD YOU
IT IS ON ITS WAY.

MY PILOT IS ENCOUNTERING
SOME HEAVY HEADWINDS
FROM MARTHA'S VINEYARD.

IN FACT,
HE'S ACTUALLY LOST GROUND
IN THE LAST 5 MINUTES.

MR. HACKETT,
ARE YOU BLOWING SUNSHINE
UP THE GOVERNMENT'S SKIRT?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

[stuttering]
LET ME BUY YOU
A CUP OF COFFEE.

NO, THANK YOU.
OH, REALLY?
WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD

'CAUSE THAT CUTE BLONDE
BEHIND THE COUNTER

KEEPS ASKING ME
WHO'S THE BLADE
IN THE POWER TIE.

REALLY?
ABSOLUTELY, OH. ENJOY.

BRIAN, BRI-- I--I DON'T
UNDERSTAND THIS.

WHY HAVEN'T WE
TAKEN OFF YET?

FAY, FAY, FAY,
THE TRAVEL AGENTS
CAN'T KNOW THIS,

[whispering]
BUT THE PLANE IS MISSING.

THE PLANE'S MISSING?

THEIR PLANE'S MISSING.
OH, THIS IS EVEN BETTER
THAN I THOUGHT.

YOUR PLANE IS MISSING?

OH, NO. YOU KNOW,
I DON'T KNOW HOW
THESE RUMORS GET STARTED.

WE'RE JUST DOING
A--A SMALL, LITTLE
PRE-FLIGHT SAFETY ADJUSTMENT.

NOW, IF YOU'D LIKE ME
TO BYPASS THAT...

NO, NO, L-LOOK, JUST--
JUST--JUST STEP ON IT.
FINE, FINE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH
FOR YOUR PATIENCE. THANK YOU.
YOU ALL LOOK GREAT.

FAY, I WANT YOU
TO GET ON THE HORN
RIGHT NOW.

I WANT YOU TO SEE
IF YOU CAN RENT A PLANE.

BUT DON'T LET ANYBODY
KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOIN',
OTHERWISE WE'RE DEAD MEAT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"WE," PALEFACE?

(Lowell)
PSST, BRIAN.

YES, YES, YES, YES.
WHAT IS IT, LOWELL?

YOUR PROBLEMS ARE OVER.
YOU FOUND MY PLANE?

EVEN BETTER.

BRIAN HACKETT,
MEET PEGGY McCLOSKEY.

HOUSEWIFE, TOWN PSYCHIC.

OH, NO.
YOU DIDN'T BRING ME
A PSYCHIC. LOWELL!

MR. HACKETT,
I'M NO CHARLATAN.

I'M JUST
AN ORDINARY HOUSEWIFE
WITH PARANORMAL POWERS

I CAN NEITHER EXPLAIN
NOR CONTROL.

WHAT THE HELL?
WHAT THE HELL?

DO YOU KNOW
WHERE MY PLANE IS?

LET ME SEE.

NOW, THE PLANE
WAS ONCE IN YOUR HANGAR.

WHOA! HAS SHE STEPPED OVER
FROM THE OTHER SIDE OR WHAT?

I NEED TO FEEL SOMETHING
THAT'S BEEN IN THE PLANE.

BRIAN'S BEEN
IN THE PLANE.

PERFECT.

ATTENTION, WEARY TRAVELERS.

TIRED OF WAITING FOR FLIGHTS
THAT NEVER LEAVE?

FLY AEROMASS'S
COMFORT SERVICE TO BOSTON.

THE PLANE'S
RIGHT OUTSIDE THE GATE.
YOU CAN SEE IT. THERE IT IS.

FOLKS, FOLKS, FOLKS, FOLKS,
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE,
DON'T GO.

WELL, GIVE US
ONE GOOD REASON
WHY WE SHOULDN'T.

ONE OF HIS PILOTS
IS NARCOLEPTIC

AND THIS MAN
CONSTANTLY DENIES IT.

HE'S LYING!
SEE!

THE COVER-UP CONTINUES.
PHENOMENAL.
JUST HAVE A SEAT.

ALL OF YOU, YOUR FLIGHT
WILL BE LEAVING SHORTLY.

MR. HACKETT.

DID YOU IT?
YOU FIND THE PLANE?

OH, NO, BUT I HIT
A HUGE POTHOLE
OUT ON THE TAXIWAY.

MAN, I REALLY
TRASHED MY BIKE.

OH, DEAR,
I BETTER HAVE A LOOK.

IF YOU EVER EXPECT
TO GET ANOTHER BOOKING
FROM MY TRAVEL AGENCY,

YOU'D BETTER GET US OUT
OF THIS DAMN TERMINAL.

AND MISS THE FLOOR SHOW?
IT'S JUST ABOUT TO BEGIN.

OW! NOT THE IODINE.

IT STINGS! IT STINGS!

IF YOU TRAVEL WITH ME,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO
THROUGH THE METAL DETECTOR.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE SANDPIPER V.I.P. LOUNGE

IS PROUD TO PRESENT
THE EXOTIC MUSICAL STYLINGS

OH!
OF HELEN CHAPEL

AND HER ENCHANTED CELLO.

BRIAN, WHAT ARE YOU--
HELEN, YOU JUST HAVE TO

HELP ME STALL
FOR A FEW MINUTES.
NO, I DON'T.

YES, YOU DO.
NO, I DON'T.

WELL, THEN, FINE.
YOU'LL JUST SEE JOE
ON CONJUGAL VISITS. FINE.

WHAT'RE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
DON'T YOU SEE?

HE FINDS OUT ABOUT THIS,
HE KILLS ME,
GOES TO PRISON,

AND THEN YOU'LL ONLY
SEE HIM ONCE A MONTH
IN THOSE SWEATY OLD TRAILERS.

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
THAT'S FINE.
WHAT?

LOOK, HELEN, HELEN,
HELEN, PLEASE.
IF OUR RELATIONSHIP

MEANS ANYTHING TO YOU...

OK.

I LOVE YOU.

OH, AND, UH, DON'T PLAY
ANY OF THAT CLASSICAL STUFF.

YOU KNOW,
KEEP IT PEPPY, PEP...

HI. HI.

OYSTER CRACKERS. TAKE ONE.
PASS 'EM ON. OYSTER CRACKERS.

ANY REQUESTS?

HOW ABOUT THE THEME SONG
FROM MISSING?

I'M SORRY, BRIAN.
DON'T TELL ME THAT.

I TALKED TO
EVERY RENTAL OUTFIT
ON THE ISLAND.

[cello playing]
THERE ARE NO PLANES
FOR RENT.

OH, GOD.

BUT IF YOU EVER NEED TO
RENT A DIALYSIS MACHINE,
I KNOW JUST THE PLACE.

I HAD JUST STEPPED
OUT OF THE SHOWER

WHEN I HEARD
THESE VOICES

SAYING SOMETHING
ABOUT MOBY-DICK.

THERE THEY ARE!

THEY'RE THE ONES
THAT BROKE INTO MY HOUSE.

AND THERE'S THE RINGLEADER.

UH, I'M--I'M NOT TAKING
THE RAP FOR THIS, BRIAN.

UH, OFFICER, I CAN
EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.

NO...

[band playing]

ALMOST EVERYTHING.

[whistle blowing]

HELLO. I'M MR. GREELY,

DIRECTOR OF
THE SIASCONSET HIGH
MARCHING MULES.

HACKETT,
WHAT IS GOIN' ON HERE?

THINK I FORGOT
TO MAKE A PHONE CALL.

WHERE'S THE PLANE?

AH, THAT SEEMS TO BE
THE QUESTION OF THE DAY.

IT WILL BE HERE SHORTLY.

JUST--JUST--
I TELL YOU WHAT, GUYS,
IN THE VERNACULAR OF MUSIC,

[phone ringing]
TAKE 5.

WHERE DO YOU WANT ESTHER?

ESTHER. JUST...
CAN'T SHE WAIT IN HERE
WITH THE REST OF YOU?

OK, IF YOU SAY SO.

HACKETT, THE CONTROL TOWER
JUST CALLED.

I HAVE GOT A PLANE
TRYING TO PARK

BUT YOUR JUNIOR PILOT
LEFT HIS BIKE
ON THE TAXIWAY.

MR. HACKETT,
MY PATIENCE IS WEARING THIN.

[mule braying]
YES...

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

(Greely)
THAT'S ESTHER, THE MASCOT
OF THE MARCHING MULES.

THINGS ARE STARTING
TO UNRAVEL HERE.

THE BIKE. THE BIKE.

[cello playing]

FAY, WHAT IS ALL THIS?

JOE, YOU'RE BACK.

OH, YEAH,
IT'S MUCH BETTER.
THANKS.

NO, I MEAN YOU'RE BACK.
YOU'RE HERE IN THE FLESH.

UH, YEAH, YEAH.

THE DOCTOR SENT ME HOME
EARLIER THAN EXPECTED.

HEY, WHAT THE HELL
IS GOING ON HERE?

UH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

JOE, YOUR BACK.

YES, LOWELL, I AM.

NO, I MEAN YOUR BACK.
HOW IS IT?

FINE. IT'S FINE.

JOE, YOU'RE BACK.

YES, MY STUPID BACK IS FINE
AND I'M HERE, DAMN IT!

NOW, WOULD YOU TELL ME
WHAT IS GOING ON?

ALL RIGHT, HACKETT
THAT'S IT. TIME'S UP.

[all chattering]

QUIET!

YOU'VE BEEN
IN THE PLANE.

BRIAN, WE NEED TO TALK.

JOE. JOE, JOE, JOE.

I--I--I COULD GIVE YOU
A VERY LONG SONG AND DANCE

ABOUT WHAT YOU SAW
OUT THERE.

SOME OF IT
MIGHT EVEN BE TRUE,

BUT--BUT IT ALL
BOILS DOWN TO THIS.

I DON'T KNOW WHY,
I DON'T KNOW HOW,

BUT THE PLANE

IS GONE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
THE PLANE IS...

HERE.

IT'S GONE HERE.

IT'S HERE NOW.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

OH! OH, THANK YOU, GOD.

WELL, WHY WOULDN'T IT
BE HERE? OF COURSE,
IT WAS GONE EARLIER, RIGHT?

YEAH.
Y-YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?

WELL, YEAH, THE GUYS
FROM NEW BEDFORD CAME

AND TOOK IT OUT
FOR ITS 100-HOUR CHECK,
DIDN'T THEY?

THEY DID? THEY DID!
OF COURSE, THEY DID.

WHY--WHY ARE
YOU SO SURPRISED?

IT WAS ALL
IN THE DAILY SCHEDULE.

THE DAILY SCHEDULE.

WHOA, I'M TELLING YOU, JOE,

'CAUSE WITHOUT
THAT DAILY SCHEDULE,

I WOULDN'T KNOW
WHAT I WAS DOING.

THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
THE DAILY SCHEDULE! LOOK.

I JUST HAVE A FEW
LOOSE ENDS TO TIE UP
OUT THERE.

AND BY THE WAY,
DO WE HAVE ENOUGH PETTY CASH
LYING AROUND FOR BAIL MONEY?

D-DON'T EVEN WORRY
ABOUT THAT! YOU LOOK GREAT.
GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK.

[gasping]
THE PLANE'S BACK!
I KNOW THAT.

GOD LOVES ME.

HELEN, D-DID I SEE
A MULE OUT THERE?

UH...

THE BAND AND
THE--THE POLICEMAN
AND THE WOMAN WITH THE...

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.
BRIAN'S GONNA
TAKE CARE OF THIS.

IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK.
YEAH.

IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK.
I THINK.

MMM, OH, OH, UH, CAREFUL.

DOCTOR PUT YOU
ON MY LIST OF DON'TS
FOR ANOTHER WEEK.

OH, RIGHT. SORRY.

JOE,

DIDN'T YOU USED TO
HAVE HAIR ON YOUR ARMS?

(Joe)
IT'S A LONG STORY.