Wings (1990–1997): Season 2, Episode 14 - The Tennis Bum - full transcript
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO EAT?
I'D SAY IT'S A HOT DOG.
TRY TUBE OF DEATH.
WELL, LET'S START
WITH THE FACT
THAT THEY BASICALLY DUMP
A HORSE INTO A GRINDER.
THEN THEY ADD
HEAPING PORTIONS
OF STEROIDS, ANTIBIOTICS,
PRESERVATIVES, CHEMICALS,
DYES, AND FILLERS.
THEN FROM OUR FRIEND,
MR. PIG,
SNOUTS, EARS, LIPS,
AND BRISTLES.
AND FINALLY
THEY TOP IT ALL OFF WITH,
[chuckling]
YES, IT'S ALLOWED
BY THE GOVERNMENT,
1.5 PARTS PER MILLION
OF RAT DROPPINGS.
NOW, WHAT ON EARTH
WOULD MAKE YOU WANNA
EAT THAT?
A LITTLE MORE RELISH.
MMM.
[seagulls cawing]
UH-HUH.
MMM-HMM.
UH-HUH.
YEAH. YEAH, I GOT THAT.
OK, GOOD.
2 CASES OF ENGINE OIL
AND A CASE OF FILTERS.
UH, LISTEN,
I'VE GOTTA GO.
THE HINDENBURG JUST FLEW
IN MY OFFICE.
ACTUALLY,
IT'S THE GRAF ZEPPELIN, JOE.
BUT THAT'S
AN EASY MISTAKE TO MAKE.
LOWELL, IT IS BEAUTIFUL.
IT'S FANTASTIC.
WHERE DID YOU BUY THIS?
BUY IT?
NO, I MADE IT MYSELF
FROM SCRATCH.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
NO, IT TOOK ME 6 YEARS,
EVERY DAY, 2 HOURS A DAY.
WIFE ALMOST DIVORCED ME.
WOW, I CAN IMAGINE.
IT REALLY CUT INTO
THE OLD FAMILY TIME, HUH?
NO, I THINK I GOT
A LITTLE TOO FRIENDLY
WITH THE GIRL THAT WORKS
AT THE HOBBY SHOP.
YEAH, I'M GONNA ENTER IT
IN THE MODEL AIR SHOW
ON SATURDAY.
I WAS WONDERING
IF I COULD STORE IT
IN HERE UNTIL THEN.
YEAH--YEAH, SURE.
THIS REALLY IS INCREDIBLE,
LOWELL. 6 YEARS.
YEAH. EVERYTHING IS
EXACTLY TO SCALE
AND HISTORICALLY ACCURATE.
EVEN THE TOILETS FLUSH.
EXCEPT FOR THE ONE
IN THE FORWARD CABIN,
BUT I PUT A LITTLE SIGN
ON THE DOOR.
UNBELIEVABLE.
HEY, LOWELL, LET ME FLY IT.
[exclaiming]
ABSOLUTELY NOT, JOE.
NO WAY.
NO ONE TOUCHES THIS
BUT ME.
NO ONE.
LOWELL, I'M A PILOT.
AND A DAMN GOOD ONE.
SO LET ME FLY IT.
NEVER!
NOW, I'M GONNA PUT THIS
RIGHT IN HERE, JOE.
YOU LET ME KNOW
IF ANYONE TOUCHES IT
OR EVEN LOOKS AT IT.
OK, LOWELL,
WHATEVER YOU SAY.
WHAT?
YOU WERE LOOKING AT IT.
OK, LOWELL, ALL RIGHT.
OH, AND, JOE,
DON'T BE ALARMED
IF YOU HEAR MUSIC.
THAT'S JUST
THE ORCHESTRA PLAYING
IN THE GRAND BALLROOM.
[door closing]
NAH.
OH, THIS STINKS.
Y-YEAH?
WELL, WHAT ABOUT MY RIGHTS?
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
ROY?
AH, I NEED ANOTHER PILOT,
AND THE EQUAL OPPORTUNITY
COMMISSION
STRONGLY SUGGESTS
I HIRE A WOMAN.
WELL, AND I STRONGLY SUGGEST
THEY BLOW IT OUT THEIR YU-YU.
I DON'T WANT SOME SKIRT
FLYIN' MY PLANES.
OH, ROY,
WHY DON'T YOU HIRE A WOMAN?
GOD KNOWS IT WOULDN'T BE
THE FIRST TIME.
WELL, IT WOULD
BE THE FIRST TIME
IN DAYLIGHT.
OH, YOU BROADS ALWAYS
STICK TOGETHER.
DID SOME SHERPA IN TIBET
JUST CHIP YOU OUT
OF THE SIDE OF A GLACIER?
WOMEN PILOTS HAVE BEEN
AROUND SINCE THE BEGINNING.
WHAT ABOUT AMELIA EARHART?
SORRY, HELEN.
I NEED SOMEONE
WHO CAN HANDLE A ROUNDTRIP.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THERE ISN'T A MAN
IN HIS RIGHT MIND
WHO WOULD STEP ON A PLANE
WITH A WOMAN IN THE COCKPIT.
OH! SHUT UP, ROY.
NO I'M--
JUST SHUT UP.
SHUT UP!
AND GIVE ME BACK
MY FOOD.
HEY, I PAID
FOR THAT HAM SANDWICH.
WELL, I WOULDN'T WANT YOU
TO EAT YOUR OWN KIND.
OH, YOU...
CAN YOU BELIEVE
THAT GUY?
HE PROBABLY THINKS
ALL WOMEN ARE GOOD FOR IS
COOKING AND CARING
FOR THEIR MEN FOLK.
CAN I GET YOU
A PIECE OF APPLE PIE?
I JUST PULLED ONE
OUT OF THE OVEN.
OK.
[telephone ringing]
[cat yowling]
OH, I'M SO SORRY.
(Brian)
I--I TAKE IT
THE TENNIS TOURNAMENT
DIDN'T GO
AS WELL AS YOU HOPED.
I HAD IT RIGHT IN MY HANDS
AND I LET IT SLIP AWAY.
OH, IT'S TOO BAD.
WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS
NEXT YEAR.
HI, FAY. HOW DID
THE TOURNAMENT GO?
I LOST.
OH, GEE, THAT'S TO BAD.
WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS
NEXT YEAR.
IF ONE MORE PERSON
TELLS ME THAT,
I'M GONNA SERVE HIS FACE.
FAY.
OH, I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST THAT I'VE BEEN
THE SENIOR WOMAN'S CHAMPION
FOR THE LAST 5 YEARS,
AND I SHOULD'VE WON AGAIN.
(Brian)
WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?
I DON'T KNOW.
I--I DID FINE
IN THE SEMIFINAL MATCH.
THELMA BARRETTE HAS
A CATARACT,
SO I KEPT HITTING
TO HER LEFT.
HAD HER SWINGING
AT AIR ALL MORNING.
BUT THEN IN THE FINALS,
MY OPPONENT WAS
CONSTANCE LLOYD.
SHE HAS THIS PARALYZING FEAR
OF DOGS.
SO EVERY TIME
SHE GOT NEAR THE BALL,
I BARKED.
YOU BARKED?
NO, I KNOW IT WAS A VILE
AND A REPUGNANT THING TO DO.
I JUST WISH
IT'D WORKED.
FAY, I'VE NEVER SEEN
THIS SIDE OF YOU.
OH, WELL, BELIEVE ME,
I'M NOT PROUD OF IT.
IT'S JUST THAT
WHEN IT COMES TO TENNIS,
I'M SO COMPETITIVE.
WHEN I SLIP THOSE SOCKS ON
WITH THOSE LITTLE PUFF BALLS,
I'M A DIFFERENT PERSON,
I'M A WARRIOR.
ALTHOUGH,
I WASN'T MUCH OF ONE TODAY.
FAY, YOU'RE OVERREACTING.
YEAH, YOU JUST HAD
AN OFF DAY IS ALL.
HEY, FAY, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
TELL YOU WHAT WE'LL DO.
WHY DON'T YOU AND I
GO OUT AND WE'LL HIT
SOME BALLS AROUND,
JUST FOR FUN,
YOU AND ME?
I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU PLAYED TENNIS.
OH, YEAH,
I USED TO BE
PRETTY GOOD.
ALMOST MADE
THE FRESHMAN TEAM
AT PRINCETON.
EXCEPT FOR THAT INCIDENT.
WHAT INCIDENT?
AH, A TRUMPED UP STORY
ABOUT BEN-GAYING THE COACH'S
ATHLETIC SUPPORTER.
NOW I COULDN'T
POSSIBLY HAVE DONE IT
BECAUSE AT THE TIME
I WAS DRESSING A PIG IN
THE COACH'S WIFE'S LINGERIE.
YOU WERE IN THE LINGERIE,
OR THE PIG WAS?
I WAS. WHAT DO YOU
TAKE ME FOR, A PERVERT?
WHAT DO YOU SAY, FAY?
YOU WANNA PLAY?
YEAH, YEAH, GO AHEAD,
IT'S A SLOW DAY.
I'LL COVER FOR YOU.
YEAH, COME ON,
COME ON.
UH, OK, I'LL MEET YOU
ON THE COURT IN 15 MINUTES.
ALL RIGHT.
GO EASY ON HER.
OF COURSE, JOE.
I'M JUST GONNA TAKE HER
OUT THERE, I'M GONNA
BUILD UP HER CONFIDENCE,
YOU KNOW, WARM HER UP
A BIT, SUGGEST A MATCH,
AND I'LL LET HER WIN.
HEY, YOU KNOW,
YOU BETTER WATCH IT.
YOU GONNA PUT A STOP
TO ALL THAT TALK
ABOUT YOU BEIN' A CRASS,
JUVENILE, SELF-CENTERED GUY.
WHO SAYS THAT?
WELL, ME.
HEY, ROY,
IS THAT YOUR NEW PILOT?
YEAH.
HA HA, YOU COULDN'T DO IT,
COULD YOU?
YOU JUST DIDN'T HAVE
THE HUMAN DECENCY
TO HIRE A WOMAN.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKIN' ABOUT?
I DID, THAT'S HER.
AUDREY GRANT.
SHE'S GOT
SOME PRETTY IMPRESSIVE
CREDENTIALS FOR A WOMAN.
[sighing]
ROY, I'M TALKIN' ABOUT
THAT PERSON SITTING
AT THE TABLE.
SO AM I.
YOU KNOW,
YOU MADE ME REALIZE
WHAT A BIG CHAUVINIST PIG
I WAS BEING.
THANK YOU, HELEN.
YOU MADE ME
SEE THE LIGHT.
ROY BIGGINS,
THAT IS NOT A WOMAN.
THAT'S A MAN.
WELL, I ADMIT
THE UNIFORM DOES ACCENTUATE
THE FLAWS IN HER FIGURE,
BUT A MAN, PLEASE.
COME ON, ROY, ARE YOU OUT
OF YOUR FREAKIN' MIND?
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
TRYING TO PULL HERE?
HEY, HEY, HEY,
YOU WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE.
THERE'S A LADY PRESENT.
[grunting]
DON'T MOVE.
JOE, YOU SEE
THAT PERSON OVER THERE?
YOU MEAN THAT GUY
READIN' THE NEWSPAPER?
[exclaims]
ROY, THAT'S A MAN.
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TAKIN' ABOUT.
AH! OK, OK. IF YOU REALLY
THINK THAT'S A WOMAN,
WHY DON'T YOU GO OVER THERE
AND GIVE HER
A LITTLE HELLO KISS?
OH, SURE, THAT'S ALL I NEED,
IS A SEXUAL HARASSMENT SUIT.
IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS,
YOU COULD PAT YOUR HELP
ON THE FANNY, BUT NOT ANYMORE.
OH, KNOCK IT OFF, ROY.
THAT IS A MAN,
AND I'M GONNA PROVE IT.
HOW?
UM...
SIMPLE.
I'M GONNA GO ASK HIM.
WELL, THAT'LL REALLY
BOOST HER SELF-CONFIDENCE.
WHILE YOU'RE AT IT,
WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER
WHY NOBODY TOOK HER
TO THE PROM?
BETTER YET,
WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER
WHY THEY ALL LAUGHED AT HER
WHEN SHE SHOWED UP
FOR THE CHEERLEADER TRYOUTS?
OH, COME ON, ROY.
NOT EVERY WOMAN
CAN BE AS FEMININE
AS YOU ARE, HELEN.
JUST 'CAUSE YOU HAVE
NO FACIAL HAIR
AND SMALL BONES,
DOESN'T MAKE YOU
ANY BETTER THAN HER.
BUT YOU GO AHEAD.
NO, YOU ASK YOUR QUESTION.
GO ON, DESTROY
WHAT'S LEFT OF HER LIFE.
GO ON, GO ON.
DAMN IT.
(Joe)
SO, HOW'D
THE TENNIS MATCH GO?
WELL, I THOUGHT
I WAS GONNA GIVE FAY
A FEW POINTERS,
BUT AS IT TURNED OUT,
SHE TAUGHT ME A LESSON.
IS THAT SO?
I CRUSHED HIM.
YEAH, SHE SURE DID,
SHE SURE DID.
YEAH, WE HAD
A LITTLE MATCH,
AND I'LL BE DARNED
IF SHE DIDN'T BEAT ME
FAIR AND SQUARE.
GOOD FOR YOU, FAY.
NOW, YOU SEE?
YOU HAVEN'T LOST IT.
AND, I NEVER PLAYED
BETTER IN MY LIFE.
IT'S TOO BAD
YOU WEREN'T MY OPPONENT
IN THE TOURNAMENT.
I WOULD'VE BEAT YOU
LIKE A GONG.
YEAH, YOU SURE WOULD,
BOY.
FAY, DID I HEAR
YOU BEAT HIM AT TENNIS?
6-0, 6-0.
[whistles]
BUT IT WAS CLOSER
THAN IT SOUNDS.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE REALLY
NOT A BAD, LITTLE PLAYER,
BRIAN.
ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS WORK
ON YOUR LATERAL MOVEMENT.
I MEAN, IT WAS LIKE
YOU WERE HAULING
A TRAILER AROUND OUT THERE.
[laughing]
GOOD TIP.
THANKS, FAY.
WELL, AND IT MIGHT HELP
IF YOU PLANTED YOUR FEET
A LITTLE EARLIER
AND FOLLOW THROUGH.
YOU KNOW, FOR A MAN,
YOUR FOREHAND IS PRETTY WEAK.
[laughing]
I'LL, UH, I'LL TRY
TO WORK ON THAT.
(Roy)
HEY, UH, HACKETT,
MAYBE, YOU BETTER TRY
PLAYIN' SOMETHIN'
A LITTLE BIT MORE YOUR SPEED,
LIKE, UH, SHUFFLEBOARD
OR GIN RUMMY.
OR PROFESSIONAL
ICE HOCKEY.
[laughing]
DON'T HELP ME.
[droning]
[laughing]
[metallic clanking]
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA, WHOA.
OH.
WHEW, THAT WAS CLOSE.
HACKETT.
[exclaims]
ROY, DO YOU REALIZE
WHAT YOU JUST DID?
YOU CRUSHED
LOWELL'S BLIMP!
WHY DIDN'T YOU KNOCK?
OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
I GUESS I JUST SHOULD'VE
ASSUMED THERE WAS A BLIMP
BEHIND THE DOOR.
WELL, I ALWAYS DO
WHEN I KNOCK ON YOURS.
WHAT?
[stuttering]
I'M SORRY. I'M JUST UPSET.
WHAT AM I GONNA TELL LOWELL?
TELL ME WHAT, JOE?
LOWELL, I...
NO.
NO!
NO!
LOWELL,
I-- I'M SO SORRY.
[sobbing]
YOU'RE SORRY?
YOU'RE SORRY?
LOWELL,
IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE
THAT--THAT YOU'RE ATTACHED
TO YOUR BLIMP,
BUT--BUT I KNOW
THAT DEEP DOWN
YOU REALIZE IT'S--IT'S JUST
AN INANIMATE OBJECT AND THAT--
YOU KILLED MY BABY!
[sobbing]
LOWELL,
I--I--I DIDN'T MEAN TO.
I WAS FLYING IT AND I--
WHAT?
IT WAS ROY'S FAULT!
HE CRUSHED IT
BEHIND THE DOOR
WHEN HE OPENED IT.
WHAT?
WELL, IT WOULDN'T
HAVE BEEN BEHIND THE DOOR
IF SOMEONE HAD KEPT
HIS HANDS OFF IT
LIKE SOMEONE ELSE
ASKED HIM TO.
HOW--HOW CAN I
MAKE IT UP TO YOU?
UH, UH, LOOK, WAIT,
WAIT, HERE.
HERE, SEE,
I'LL GIVE YOU EVERYTHING
I GOT IN MY WALLET.
HERE'S, UH,
WHAT, $20, $80, $85.
$85 FOR 6 YEARS OF MY LIFE?
LOWELL'S RIGHT.
THROW IN ANOTHER $10.
NOTHING YOU COULD DO
ON EARTH WOULD EVER MAKE UP
FOR THIS.
NOTHING.
I-- I'LL FIX IT.
SURE YOU WILL!
IT TOOK ME 6 YEARS
OF EXACTING,
PAINSTAKING, TEDIOUS
DETAIL WORK.
I HAD TO DO SOME OF IT
UNDER A MICROSCOPE
WITH TINY TWEEZERS.
WELL, I--I--I WOULD REALLY
LIKE TO TRY.
THIS, UH, DOESN'T SEEM
TO INVOLVE ME.
[crunching]
(Roy)
UH-OH.
CAPTAIN JAZZBO?
YOU'VE MURDERED
CAPTAIN JAZZBO!
I'LL SEE YOU FRY
FOR THIS, BIGGINS!
[crying]
[door opening]
[door closing]
OH, THE HUMANITY.
(Roy)
HEY, BJORN.
I HEAR YOU'VE ENTERED
THE LITTLE SISTERS
OF PERPETUAL HOPE
TENNIS TOURNAMENT.
NOW, LET ME GIVE YOU
A LITTLE TIP.
MAKE SISTER MARY CATHERINE
GO TO HER RIGHT.
SHE ALWAYS GETS TANGLED
IN HER BEADS.
HEY, BRIAN, LOOK AT THIS.
WE MADE THE PAPER.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKIN' ABOUT, FAY?
UM, HERE
IN THE SPORTS SECTION
UNDER "ODDS AND ENDS."
"SENIOR TENNIS PLAYER
FAY EVELYN COCHRAN
"DEFEATED FORMER
PRINCETON TENNIS CHAMP
"BRIAN HACKETT
IN A GRUDGE MATCH
AT THE TENNIS CENTER
YESTERDAY."
WHAT? LET ME SEE THIS.
"MS. COCHRAN WAS
AT THE TOP OF HER FORM
AS SHE EASILY DEFEATED
THE TIRING YOUNGER PLAYER."
I'VE GOTTA CUT THIS OUT
AND FRAME IT.
FAY. FAY, DID YOU CALL
THE NEWSPAPERS?
I DIDN'T CALL ANYONE.
WELL, THEN WHO DID?
[laughing]
OH, MAN, THIS IS--
THIS IS PUBLIC HUMILIATION.
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
NOBODY EVER READS
THESE THINGS.
[laughing]
GET A LOAD OF THIS.
SOME HOTSHOT
PRINCETON BRAT
JUST GOT HIS CLOCK CLEANED
BY SOMEBODY'S GRANDMA.
THAT'S IT, FAY.
THAT'S IT.
I WANT A REMATCH.
OH, NOW,
ISN'T THAT SILLY, BRIAN?
I BEAT YOU BEFORE,
I CAN BEAT YOU AGAIN.
WAKE UP
AND SMELL THE COFFEE, FAY.
I DIDN'T WANNA
TELL YOU THIS BEFORE,
BUT I LET YOU WIN.
OH, BRIAN,
IS YOUR EGO THAT FRAGILE?
IT'S NOT THAT, FAY.
I HAVE A REPUTATION
TO CLEAR.
OH, AND YOU THINK
YOU'RE GONNA DO THAT
BY BEATING A SENIOR CITIZEN?
I'M COUNTING ON IT.
WELL, OK, BRIAN,
IF YOU NEED ME
TO RESTORE YOUR MANHOOD.
ON THE COURTS.
SEE YOU AT 3:00 SHARP, FAY,
AT THE TENNIS CENTER.
[laughing]
I WANT YOU, FAY.
I WANT YOU!
ON THE COURTS!
MUST IT ALWAYS BE SEX
WITH YOU TWO?
HEY, LOWELL,
HOW'S IT GOIN'?
DID YOU GET A CHANCE TO,
UH, CATALOG THOSE PARTS
OUT ON THE TOOL BENCH
FOR ME?
HOW'S THAT SOUP TODAY?
OH, LOOK, LOWELL,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
SAY SOMETHING SOMETIME.
BLIMP KILLER!
BLIMP KILLER!
WELL, IT'S A START.
(Roy)
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
OH, I'M GONNA
PUT AN END TO THIS
ONCE AND FOR ALL.
I'M GONNA ASK THAT WOMAN
IF HE'S A MAN.
YOU CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
SHE'S PREGNANT.
WHAT?
YEAH, IT'S--IT'S HER FIRST,
AND THE DOCTORS PREDICT
A VERY DIFFICULT DELIVERY,
WHAT WITH HER NARROW HIPS
AND ALL.
GIVE ME A BREAK, ROY.
YOU, STAND UP.
I'M GONNA ASK A QUESTION,
AND I WANT A STRAIGHT ANSWER.
ARE YOU A WOMAN?
WHAT?
THEN YOU ADMIT
THAT YOU'RE A MAN?
OF COURSE I'M A MAN!
[exclaiming]
I KNEW IT!
THIS IS A MAN.
THIS IS NOT A WOMAN, NO.
THIS IS A MAN,
AND I KNEW IT ALL ALONG.
WELL, SEE, THERE WAS
SOME QUESTION EARLIER.
AND, UH, SEE,
WHAT HAD HAPPENED--
WELL, JUST MOVE ALONG.
COME ON.
YOU THOUGHT
YOU WERE GONNA SLIP
THAT ONE BY ME, HUH?
YOU SEE, I KNEW
THAT IT WAS A MAN
ALL ALONG.
OF COURSE IT'S A MAN,
HELEN.
ANY IDIOT WITH 2 EYES
COULD SEE THAT.
I WAS JERKIN' YOU AROUND.
WHAT?
YOU CHICKS ARE SO GULLIBLE.
[laughing]
IF YOU ASK ME,
IT WAS AN EASY MISTAKE.
UH, UH, NOW,
TAKE IT EASY, BRIAN.
OK.
HOW'S YOUR ANKLE?
OH, IT'S--
IT'S KILLING ME, FAY.
IT'S REALLY KILLING ME.
I THINK IT'S STARTING
TO SWELL.
WHAT--WHAT--WHAT HAPPENED?
OH, WE WERE
PLAYING THE MATCH
AND BRIAN TWISTED HIS ANKLE
WHEN HE DOVE FOR THE SHOT.
YEAH, AT LEAST THE PAIN
WAS WORTH IT.
GOT TO THE BALL,
MADE THE POINT.
HE MISSED IT BY A MILE.
[groaning]
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
BRIAN, I THOUGHT
YOUR ANKLE WAS INJURED.
W-WHAT? THIS ONE, HERE?
SHE WAS BEATIN' ME, JOE.
SHE WAS WHIPPIN' ME.
I--I WAS PLAYING MY BUTT OFF.
SHE'S GOOD.
THE WOMAN IS ACTUALLY GOOD.
YOU'RE KIDDING?
NO! SHE WAS RETURNING
EVERY SHOT I MADE.
LOB SHOTS, DROP SHOTS,
PASSING SHOTS.
UH, SHE WAS A BLUR
OF--OF TENNIS SNEAKERS
AND RUFFLED PANTIES.
SO, YOU FAKED AN INJURY
TO SALVAGE YOUR DIGNITY?
[sighing]
YEAH, I MUST BE
SLOWING DOWN.
AH, YOU HAVEN'T PLAYED
IN A LONG TIME.
NO, I MEAN
IT TOOK ME ALMOST AN HOUR
TO COME UP
WITH THIS CRUTCHES SCAM.
HEY, JOE, JOE,
YOU WERE THERE, I MEAN,
YOU WERE THERE
WHEN IT ALL STARTED.
I WAS ONLY TRYIN'
TO DO SOMETHING NICE.
YOU'RE NEW TO THAT, BRIAN.
JUST DON'T BE DISCOURAGED.
[groaning]
[sighing]
JOE, CAN I COME IN?
YOU'RE TALKING TO ME?
WASN'T I?
I COULD HEAR IT IN MY HEAD.
YES, YES, Y-YES,
YOU WERE, LOWELL.
UH, C-COME ON IN,
WHAT'S UP?
I JUST WANTED TO APOLOGIZE
AND ASK FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS.
YOU WANNA ASK
FOR MY FORGIVENESS?
FUNNY, I SEEM TO BE HEARING
EVERY WORD I SAY.
NO, IT'S NOT THAT
I CAN'T HEAR YOU, LOWELL.
[stuttering]
IT'S JUST...
NEVER MIND. GO ON.
I FEEL AWFUL ABOUT
THE WAY I TREATED YOU.
LOWELL, IT'S ME
THAT OWES YOU AN APOLOGY.
CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME
FOR WHAT I DID?
NO.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
I WANNA STAY
FRIENDS WITH YOU,
BUT I CAN'T SEEM
TO FORGIVE YOU.
YOU KNOW,
I--I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT
TRYIN' TO PUT THIS THING
BACK TOGETHER AND I...
IT TOOK ME 2 HOURS
JUST TO GET CAPTAIN JAZZBO'S
ARM BACK ON.
WELL, THAT'S NOT
HIS ARM, JOE.
IT'S A PART OF
THE AUXILIARY GENERATOR.
Y-YEAH, YOU SEE?
I--I JUST DON'T KNOW
HOW I CAN MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
UH, BUT I WANNA
STAY FRIENDS, TOO.
WHAT DO WE DO?
PRAY WITH ME, JOE.
WHAT?
PRAY FOR GUIDANCE.
I KNOW YOU'RE JEWISH,
BUT WE BOTH PRAY
TO THE SAME GOD.
LOWELL, I'M NOT JEWISH.
YOU'RE KIDDING?
WITH A NAME LIKE HACKETT?
HEAVENLY FATHER ABOVE,
YOU'RE LOOKING DOWN
ON 2 TORTURED SOULS.
WE ARE BUT MORTAL MEN
WITH FEET OF CLAY.
WE ARE NOT PERFECT.
WE MAKE MISTAKES.
YET SOMETIMES
WE CANNOT FIND IT
IN OUR HEARTS TO FORGIVE.
PLEASE, SHOW US THE WAY.
ARE WE DONE NOW?
NO, NO,
WE HAVE TO STAY QUIET
AND WAIT FOR A SIGN.
WHAT KIND OF A SIGN?
A SIGN THAT SAYS
WE'VE SUFFERED LONG ENOUGH
AND CAN ONCE AGAIN
CALL EACH OTHER FRIEND.
[sighing]
HOW LONG DOES THIS
USUALLY TAKE?
SHH!
LOWELL, MY FEET ARE
FALLING ASLEEP.
SO ARE MINE.
THAT'S IT!
THAT'S THE SIGN.
[stuttering]
THAT WAS THE SIGN?
COME ON, JOE. HOW MANY TIMES
CAN HE PART THE RED SEA?
SO WE'RE FRIENDS?
YOU BETCHA, JOE.
HEY, COME ON, LOWELL.
I-- I'LL BUY YOU A BEER.
UH, FIRST THINGS FIRST.
A LITTLE PRAYER
OF THANKSGIVING.
[scoffs]
YOU'RE KIDDING?
WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO EAT?
I'D SAY IT'S A HOT DOG.
TRY TUBE OF DEATH.
WELL, LET'S START
WITH THE FACT
THAT THEY BASICALLY DUMP
A HORSE INTO A GRINDER.
THEN THEY ADD
HEAPING PORTIONS
OF STEROIDS, ANTIBIOTICS,
PRESERVATIVES, CHEMICALS,
DYES, AND FILLERS.
THEN FROM OUR FRIEND,
MR. PIG,
SNOUTS, EARS, LIPS,
AND BRISTLES.
AND FINALLY
THEY TOP IT ALL OFF WITH,
[chuckling]
YES, IT'S ALLOWED
BY THE GOVERNMENT,
1.5 PARTS PER MILLION
OF RAT DROPPINGS.
NOW, WHAT ON EARTH
WOULD MAKE YOU WANNA
EAT THAT?
A LITTLE MORE RELISH.
MMM.
[seagulls cawing]
UH-HUH.
MMM-HMM.
UH-HUH.
YEAH. YEAH, I GOT THAT.
OK, GOOD.
2 CASES OF ENGINE OIL
AND A CASE OF FILTERS.
UH, LISTEN,
I'VE GOTTA GO.
THE HINDENBURG JUST FLEW
IN MY OFFICE.
ACTUALLY,
IT'S THE GRAF ZEPPELIN, JOE.
BUT THAT'S
AN EASY MISTAKE TO MAKE.
LOWELL, IT IS BEAUTIFUL.
IT'S FANTASTIC.
WHERE DID YOU BUY THIS?
BUY IT?
NO, I MADE IT MYSELF
FROM SCRATCH.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
NO, IT TOOK ME 6 YEARS,
EVERY DAY, 2 HOURS A DAY.
WIFE ALMOST DIVORCED ME.
WOW, I CAN IMAGINE.
IT REALLY CUT INTO
THE OLD FAMILY TIME, HUH?
NO, I THINK I GOT
A LITTLE TOO FRIENDLY
WITH THE GIRL THAT WORKS
AT THE HOBBY SHOP.
YEAH, I'M GONNA ENTER IT
IN THE MODEL AIR SHOW
ON SATURDAY.
I WAS WONDERING
IF I COULD STORE IT
IN HERE UNTIL THEN.
YEAH--YEAH, SURE.
THIS REALLY IS INCREDIBLE,
LOWELL. 6 YEARS.
YEAH. EVERYTHING IS
EXACTLY TO SCALE
AND HISTORICALLY ACCURATE.
EVEN THE TOILETS FLUSH.
EXCEPT FOR THE ONE
IN THE FORWARD CABIN,
BUT I PUT A LITTLE SIGN
ON THE DOOR.
UNBELIEVABLE.
HEY, LOWELL, LET ME FLY IT.
[exclaiming]
ABSOLUTELY NOT, JOE.
NO WAY.
NO ONE TOUCHES THIS
BUT ME.
NO ONE.
LOWELL, I'M A PILOT.
AND A DAMN GOOD ONE.
SO LET ME FLY IT.
NEVER!
NOW, I'M GONNA PUT THIS
RIGHT IN HERE, JOE.
YOU LET ME KNOW
IF ANYONE TOUCHES IT
OR EVEN LOOKS AT IT.
OK, LOWELL,
WHATEVER YOU SAY.
WHAT?
YOU WERE LOOKING AT IT.
OK, LOWELL, ALL RIGHT.
OH, AND, JOE,
DON'T BE ALARMED
IF YOU HEAR MUSIC.
THAT'S JUST
THE ORCHESTRA PLAYING
IN THE GRAND BALLROOM.
[door closing]
NAH.
OH, THIS STINKS.
Y-YEAH?
WELL, WHAT ABOUT MY RIGHTS?
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
ROY?
AH, I NEED ANOTHER PILOT,
AND THE EQUAL OPPORTUNITY
COMMISSION
STRONGLY SUGGESTS
I HIRE A WOMAN.
WELL, AND I STRONGLY SUGGEST
THEY BLOW IT OUT THEIR YU-YU.
I DON'T WANT SOME SKIRT
FLYIN' MY PLANES.
OH, ROY,
WHY DON'T YOU HIRE A WOMAN?
GOD KNOWS IT WOULDN'T BE
THE FIRST TIME.
WELL, IT WOULD
BE THE FIRST TIME
IN DAYLIGHT.
OH, YOU BROADS ALWAYS
STICK TOGETHER.
DID SOME SHERPA IN TIBET
JUST CHIP YOU OUT
OF THE SIDE OF A GLACIER?
WOMEN PILOTS HAVE BEEN
AROUND SINCE THE BEGINNING.
WHAT ABOUT AMELIA EARHART?
SORRY, HELEN.
I NEED SOMEONE
WHO CAN HANDLE A ROUNDTRIP.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THERE ISN'T A MAN
IN HIS RIGHT MIND
WHO WOULD STEP ON A PLANE
WITH A WOMAN IN THE COCKPIT.
OH! SHUT UP, ROY.
NO I'M--
JUST SHUT UP.
SHUT UP!
AND GIVE ME BACK
MY FOOD.
HEY, I PAID
FOR THAT HAM SANDWICH.
WELL, I WOULDN'T WANT YOU
TO EAT YOUR OWN KIND.
OH, YOU...
CAN YOU BELIEVE
THAT GUY?
HE PROBABLY THINKS
ALL WOMEN ARE GOOD FOR IS
COOKING AND CARING
FOR THEIR MEN FOLK.
CAN I GET YOU
A PIECE OF APPLE PIE?
I JUST PULLED ONE
OUT OF THE OVEN.
OK.
[telephone ringing]
[cat yowling]
OH, I'M SO SORRY.
(Brian)
I--I TAKE IT
THE TENNIS TOURNAMENT
DIDN'T GO
AS WELL AS YOU HOPED.
I HAD IT RIGHT IN MY HANDS
AND I LET IT SLIP AWAY.
OH, IT'S TOO BAD.
WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS
NEXT YEAR.
HI, FAY. HOW DID
THE TOURNAMENT GO?
I LOST.
OH, GEE, THAT'S TO BAD.
WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS
NEXT YEAR.
IF ONE MORE PERSON
TELLS ME THAT,
I'M GONNA SERVE HIS FACE.
FAY.
OH, I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST THAT I'VE BEEN
THE SENIOR WOMAN'S CHAMPION
FOR THE LAST 5 YEARS,
AND I SHOULD'VE WON AGAIN.
(Brian)
WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?
I DON'T KNOW.
I--I DID FINE
IN THE SEMIFINAL MATCH.
THELMA BARRETTE HAS
A CATARACT,
SO I KEPT HITTING
TO HER LEFT.
HAD HER SWINGING
AT AIR ALL MORNING.
BUT THEN IN THE FINALS,
MY OPPONENT WAS
CONSTANCE LLOYD.
SHE HAS THIS PARALYZING FEAR
OF DOGS.
SO EVERY TIME
SHE GOT NEAR THE BALL,
I BARKED.
YOU BARKED?
NO, I KNOW IT WAS A VILE
AND A REPUGNANT THING TO DO.
I JUST WISH
IT'D WORKED.
FAY, I'VE NEVER SEEN
THIS SIDE OF YOU.
OH, WELL, BELIEVE ME,
I'M NOT PROUD OF IT.
IT'S JUST THAT
WHEN IT COMES TO TENNIS,
I'M SO COMPETITIVE.
WHEN I SLIP THOSE SOCKS ON
WITH THOSE LITTLE PUFF BALLS,
I'M A DIFFERENT PERSON,
I'M A WARRIOR.
ALTHOUGH,
I WASN'T MUCH OF ONE TODAY.
FAY, YOU'RE OVERREACTING.
YEAH, YOU JUST HAD
AN OFF DAY IS ALL.
HEY, FAY, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
TELL YOU WHAT WE'LL DO.
WHY DON'T YOU AND I
GO OUT AND WE'LL HIT
SOME BALLS AROUND,
JUST FOR FUN,
YOU AND ME?
I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU PLAYED TENNIS.
OH, YEAH,
I USED TO BE
PRETTY GOOD.
ALMOST MADE
THE FRESHMAN TEAM
AT PRINCETON.
EXCEPT FOR THAT INCIDENT.
WHAT INCIDENT?
AH, A TRUMPED UP STORY
ABOUT BEN-GAYING THE COACH'S
ATHLETIC SUPPORTER.
NOW I COULDN'T
POSSIBLY HAVE DONE IT
BECAUSE AT THE TIME
I WAS DRESSING A PIG IN
THE COACH'S WIFE'S LINGERIE.
YOU WERE IN THE LINGERIE,
OR THE PIG WAS?
I WAS. WHAT DO YOU
TAKE ME FOR, A PERVERT?
WHAT DO YOU SAY, FAY?
YOU WANNA PLAY?
YEAH, YEAH, GO AHEAD,
IT'S A SLOW DAY.
I'LL COVER FOR YOU.
YEAH, COME ON,
COME ON.
UH, OK, I'LL MEET YOU
ON THE COURT IN 15 MINUTES.
ALL RIGHT.
GO EASY ON HER.
OF COURSE, JOE.
I'M JUST GONNA TAKE HER
OUT THERE, I'M GONNA
BUILD UP HER CONFIDENCE,
YOU KNOW, WARM HER UP
A BIT, SUGGEST A MATCH,
AND I'LL LET HER WIN.
HEY, YOU KNOW,
YOU BETTER WATCH IT.
YOU GONNA PUT A STOP
TO ALL THAT TALK
ABOUT YOU BEIN' A CRASS,
JUVENILE, SELF-CENTERED GUY.
WHO SAYS THAT?
WELL, ME.
HEY, ROY,
IS THAT YOUR NEW PILOT?
YEAH.
HA HA, YOU COULDN'T DO IT,
COULD YOU?
YOU JUST DIDN'T HAVE
THE HUMAN DECENCY
TO HIRE A WOMAN.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKIN' ABOUT?
I DID, THAT'S HER.
AUDREY GRANT.
SHE'S GOT
SOME PRETTY IMPRESSIVE
CREDENTIALS FOR A WOMAN.
[sighing]
ROY, I'M TALKIN' ABOUT
THAT PERSON SITTING
AT THE TABLE.
SO AM I.
YOU KNOW,
YOU MADE ME REALIZE
WHAT A BIG CHAUVINIST PIG
I WAS BEING.
THANK YOU, HELEN.
YOU MADE ME
SEE THE LIGHT.
ROY BIGGINS,
THAT IS NOT A WOMAN.
THAT'S A MAN.
WELL, I ADMIT
THE UNIFORM DOES ACCENTUATE
THE FLAWS IN HER FIGURE,
BUT A MAN, PLEASE.
COME ON, ROY, ARE YOU OUT
OF YOUR FREAKIN' MIND?
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
TRYING TO PULL HERE?
HEY, HEY, HEY,
YOU WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE.
THERE'S A LADY PRESENT.
[grunting]
DON'T MOVE.
JOE, YOU SEE
THAT PERSON OVER THERE?
YOU MEAN THAT GUY
READIN' THE NEWSPAPER?
[exclaims]
ROY, THAT'S A MAN.
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TAKIN' ABOUT.
AH! OK, OK. IF YOU REALLY
THINK THAT'S A WOMAN,
WHY DON'T YOU GO OVER THERE
AND GIVE HER
A LITTLE HELLO KISS?
OH, SURE, THAT'S ALL I NEED,
IS A SEXUAL HARASSMENT SUIT.
IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS,
YOU COULD PAT YOUR HELP
ON THE FANNY, BUT NOT ANYMORE.
OH, KNOCK IT OFF, ROY.
THAT IS A MAN,
AND I'M GONNA PROVE IT.
HOW?
UM...
SIMPLE.
I'M GONNA GO ASK HIM.
WELL, THAT'LL REALLY
BOOST HER SELF-CONFIDENCE.
WHILE YOU'RE AT IT,
WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER
WHY NOBODY TOOK HER
TO THE PROM?
BETTER YET,
WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER
WHY THEY ALL LAUGHED AT HER
WHEN SHE SHOWED UP
FOR THE CHEERLEADER TRYOUTS?
OH, COME ON, ROY.
NOT EVERY WOMAN
CAN BE AS FEMININE
AS YOU ARE, HELEN.
JUST 'CAUSE YOU HAVE
NO FACIAL HAIR
AND SMALL BONES,
DOESN'T MAKE YOU
ANY BETTER THAN HER.
BUT YOU GO AHEAD.
NO, YOU ASK YOUR QUESTION.
GO ON, DESTROY
WHAT'S LEFT OF HER LIFE.
GO ON, GO ON.
DAMN IT.
(Joe)
SO, HOW'D
THE TENNIS MATCH GO?
WELL, I THOUGHT
I WAS GONNA GIVE FAY
A FEW POINTERS,
BUT AS IT TURNED OUT,
SHE TAUGHT ME A LESSON.
IS THAT SO?
I CRUSHED HIM.
YEAH, SHE SURE DID,
SHE SURE DID.
YEAH, WE HAD
A LITTLE MATCH,
AND I'LL BE DARNED
IF SHE DIDN'T BEAT ME
FAIR AND SQUARE.
GOOD FOR YOU, FAY.
NOW, YOU SEE?
YOU HAVEN'T LOST IT.
AND, I NEVER PLAYED
BETTER IN MY LIFE.
IT'S TOO BAD
YOU WEREN'T MY OPPONENT
IN THE TOURNAMENT.
I WOULD'VE BEAT YOU
LIKE A GONG.
YEAH, YOU SURE WOULD,
BOY.
FAY, DID I HEAR
YOU BEAT HIM AT TENNIS?
6-0, 6-0.
[whistles]
BUT IT WAS CLOSER
THAN IT SOUNDS.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE REALLY
NOT A BAD, LITTLE PLAYER,
BRIAN.
ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS WORK
ON YOUR LATERAL MOVEMENT.
I MEAN, IT WAS LIKE
YOU WERE HAULING
A TRAILER AROUND OUT THERE.
[laughing]
GOOD TIP.
THANKS, FAY.
WELL, AND IT MIGHT HELP
IF YOU PLANTED YOUR FEET
A LITTLE EARLIER
AND FOLLOW THROUGH.
YOU KNOW, FOR A MAN,
YOUR FOREHAND IS PRETTY WEAK.
[laughing]
I'LL, UH, I'LL TRY
TO WORK ON THAT.
(Roy)
HEY, UH, HACKETT,
MAYBE, YOU BETTER TRY
PLAYIN' SOMETHIN'
A LITTLE BIT MORE YOUR SPEED,
LIKE, UH, SHUFFLEBOARD
OR GIN RUMMY.
OR PROFESSIONAL
ICE HOCKEY.
[laughing]
DON'T HELP ME.
[droning]
[laughing]
[metallic clanking]
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA, WHOA.
OH.
WHEW, THAT WAS CLOSE.
HACKETT.
[exclaims]
ROY, DO YOU REALIZE
WHAT YOU JUST DID?
YOU CRUSHED
LOWELL'S BLIMP!
WHY DIDN'T YOU KNOCK?
OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
I GUESS I JUST SHOULD'VE
ASSUMED THERE WAS A BLIMP
BEHIND THE DOOR.
WELL, I ALWAYS DO
WHEN I KNOCK ON YOURS.
WHAT?
[stuttering]
I'M SORRY. I'M JUST UPSET.
WHAT AM I GONNA TELL LOWELL?
TELL ME WHAT, JOE?
LOWELL, I...
NO.
NO!
NO!
LOWELL,
I-- I'M SO SORRY.
[sobbing]
YOU'RE SORRY?
YOU'RE SORRY?
LOWELL,
IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE
THAT--THAT YOU'RE ATTACHED
TO YOUR BLIMP,
BUT--BUT I KNOW
THAT DEEP DOWN
YOU REALIZE IT'S--IT'S JUST
AN INANIMATE OBJECT AND THAT--
YOU KILLED MY BABY!
[sobbing]
LOWELL,
I--I--I DIDN'T MEAN TO.
I WAS FLYING IT AND I--
WHAT?
IT WAS ROY'S FAULT!
HE CRUSHED IT
BEHIND THE DOOR
WHEN HE OPENED IT.
WHAT?
WELL, IT WOULDN'T
HAVE BEEN BEHIND THE DOOR
IF SOMEONE HAD KEPT
HIS HANDS OFF IT
LIKE SOMEONE ELSE
ASKED HIM TO.
HOW--HOW CAN I
MAKE IT UP TO YOU?
UH, UH, LOOK, WAIT,
WAIT, HERE.
HERE, SEE,
I'LL GIVE YOU EVERYTHING
I GOT IN MY WALLET.
HERE'S, UH,
WHAT, $20, $80, $85.
$85 FOR 6 YEARS OF MY LIFE?
LOWELL'S RIGHT.
THROW IN ANOTHER $10.
NOTHING YOU COULD DO
ON EARTH WOULD EVER MAKE UP
FOR THIS.
NOTHING.
I-- I'LL FIX IT.
SURE YOU WILL!
IT TOOK ME 6 YEARS
OF EXACTING,
PAINSTAKING, TEDIOUS
DETAIL WORK.
I HAD TO DO SOME OF IT
UNDER A MICROSCOPE
WITH TINY TWEEZERS.
WELL, I--I--I WOULD REALLY
LIKE TO TRY.
THIS, UH, DOESN'T SEEM
TO INVOLVE ME.
[crunching]
(Roy)
UH-OH.
CAPTAIN JAZZBO?
YOU'VE MURDERED
CAPTAIN JAZZBO!
I'LL SEE YOU FRY
FOR THIS, BIGGINS!
[crying]
[door opening]
[door closing]
OH, THE HUMANITY.
(Roy)
HEY, BJORN.
I HEAR YOU'VE ENTERED
THE LITTLE SISTERS
OF PERPETUAL HOPE
TENNIS TOURNAMENT.
NOW, LET ME GIVE YOU
A LITTLE TIP.
MAKE SISTER MARY CATHERINE
GO TO HER RIGHT.
SHE ALWAYS GETS TANGLED
IN HER BEADS.
HEY, BRIAN, LOOK AT THIS.
WE MADE THE PAPER.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKIN' ABOUT, FAY?
UM, HERE
IN THE SPORTS SECTION
UNDER "ODDS AND ENDS."
"SENIOR TENNIS PLAYER
FAY EVELYN COCHRAN
"DEFEATED FORMER
PRINCETON TENNIS CHAMP
"BRIAN HACKETT
IN A GRUDGE MATCH
AT THE TENNIS CENTER
YESTERDAY."
WHAT? LET ME SEE THIS.
"MS. COCHRAN WAS
AT THE TOP OF HER FORM
AS SHE EASILY DEFEATED
THE TIRING YOUNGER PLAYER."
I'VE GOTTA CUT THIS OUT
AND FRAME IT.
FAY. FAY, DID YOU CALL
THE NEWSPAPERS?
I DIDN'T CALL ANYONE.
WELL, THEN WHO DID?
[laughing]
OH, MAN, THIS IS--
THIS IS PUBLIC HUMILIATION.
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
NOBODY EVER READS
THESE THINGS.
[laughing]
GET A LOAD OF THIS.
SOME HOTSHOT
PRINCETON BRAT
JUST GOT HIS CLOCK CLEANED
BY SOMEBODY'S GRANDMA.
THAT'S IT, FAY.
THAT'S IT.
I WANT A REMATCH.
OH, NOW,
ISN'T THAT SILLY, BRIAN?
I BEAT YOU BEFORE,
I CAN BEAT YOU AGAIN.
WAKE UP
AND SMELL THE COFFEE, FAY.
I DIDN'T WANNA
TELL YOU THIS BEFORE,
BUT I LET YOU WIN.
OH, BRIAN,
IS YOUR EGO THAT FRAGILE?
IT'S NOT THAT, FAY.
I HAVE A REPUTATION
TO CLEAR.
OH, AND YOU THINK
YOU'RE GONNA DO THAT
BY BEATING A SENIOR CITIZEN?
I'M COUNTING ON IT.
WELL, OK, BRIAN,
IF YOU NEED ME
TO RESTORE YOUR MANHOOD.
ON THE COURTS.
SEE YOU AT 3:00 SHARP, FAY,
AT THE TENNIS CENTER.
[laughing]
I WANT YOU, FAY.
I WANT YOU!
ON THE COURTS!
MUST IT ALWAYS BE SEX
WITH YOU TWO?
HEY, LOWELL,
HOW'S IT GOIN'?
DID YOU GET A CHANCE TO,
UH, CATALOG THOSE PARTS
OUT ON THE TOOL BENCH
FOR ME?
HOW'S THAT SOUP TODAY?
OH, LOOK, LOWELL,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
SAY SOMETHING SOMETIME.
BLIMP KILLER!
BLIMP KILLER!
WELL, IT'S A START.
(Roy)
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
OH, I'M GONNA
PUT AN END TO THIS
ONCE AND FOR ALL.
I'M GONNA ASK THAT WOMAN
IF HE'S A MAN.
YOU CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
SHE'S PREGNANT.
WHAT?
YEAH, IT'S--IT'S HER FIRST,
AND THE DOCTORS PREDICT
A VERY DIFFICULT DELIVERY,
WHAT WITH HER NARROW HIPS
AND ALL.
GIVE ME A BREAK, ROY.
YOU, STAND UP.
I'M GONNA ASK A QUESTION,
AND I WANT A STRAIGHT ANSWER.
ARE YOU A WOMAN?
WHAT?
THEN YOU ADMIT
THAT YOU'RE A MAN?
OF COURSE I'M A MAN!
[exclaiming]
I KNEW IT!
THIS IS A MAN.
THIS IS NOT A WOMAN, NO.
THIS IS A MAN,
AND I KNEW IT ALL ALONG.
WELL, SEE, THERE WAS
SOME QUESTION EARLIER.
AND, UH, SEE,
WHAT HAD HAPPENED--
WELL, JUST MOVE ALONG.
COME ON.
YOU THOUGHT
YOU WERE GONNA SLIP
THAT ONE BY ME, HUH?
YOU SEE, I KNEW
THAT IT WAS A MAN
ALL ALONG.
OF COURSE IT'S A MAN,
HELEN.
ANY IDIOT WITH 2 EYES
COULD SEE THAT.
I WAS JERKIN' YOU AROUND.
WHAT?
YOU CHICKS ARE SO GULLIBLE.
[laughing]
IF YOU ASK ME,
IT WAS AN EASY MISTAKE.
UH, UH, NOW,
TAKE IT EASY, BRIAN.
OK.
HOW'S YOUR ANKLE?
OH, IT'S--
IT'S KILLING ME, FAY.
IT'S REALLY KILLING ME.
I THINK IT'S STARTING
TO SWELL.
WHAT--WHAT--WHAT HAPPENED?
OH, WE WERE
PLAYING THE MATCH
AND BRIAN TWISTED HIS ANKLE
WHEN HE DOVE FOR THE SHOT.
YEAH, AT LEAST THE PAIN
WAS WORTH IT.
GOT TO THE BALL,
MADE THE POINT.
HE MISSED IT BY A MILE.
[groaning]
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
BRIAN, I THOUGHT
YOUR ANKLE WAS INJURED.
W-WHAT? THIS ONE, HERE?
SHE WAS BEATIN' ME, JOE.
SHE WAS WHIPPIN' ME.
I--I WAS PLAYING MY BUTT OFF.
SHE'S GOOD.
THE WOMAN IS ACTUALLY GOOD.
YOU'RE KIDDING?
NO! SHE WAS RETURNING
EVERY SHOT I MADE.
LOB SHOTS, DROP SHOTS,
PASSING SHOTS.
UH, SHE WAS A BLUR
OF--OF TENNIS SNEAKERS
AND RUFFLED PANTIES.
SO, YOU FAKED AN INJURY
TO SALVAGE YOUR DIGNITY?
[sighing]
YEAH, I MUST BE
SLOWING DOWN.
AH, YOU HAVEN'T PLAYED
IN A LONG TIME.
NO, I MEAN
IT TOOK ME ALMOST AN HOUR
TO COME UP
WITH THIS CRUTCHES SCAM.
HEY, JOE, JOE,
YOU WERE THERE, I MEAN,
YOU WERE THERE
WHEN IT ALL STARTED.
I WAS ONLY TRYIN'
TO DO SOMETHING NICE.
YOU'RE NEW TO THAT, BRIAN.
JUST DON'T BE DISCOURAGED.
[groaning]
[sighing]
JOE, CAN I COME IN?
YOU'RE TALKING TO ME?
WASN'T I?
I COULD HEAR IT IN MY HEAD.
YES, YES, Y-YES,
YOU WERE, LOWELL.
UH, C-COME ON IN,
WHAT'S UP?
I JUST WANTED TO APOLOGIZE
AND ASK FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS.
YOU WANNA ASK
FOR MY FORGIVENESS?
FUNNY, I SEEM TO BE HEARING
EVERY WORD I SAY.
NO, IT'S NOT THAT
I CAN'T HEAR YOU, LOWELL.
[stuttering]
IT'S JUST...
NEVER MIND. GO ON.
I FEEL AWFUL ABOUT
THE WAY I TREATED YOU.
LOWELL, IT'S ME
THAT OWES YOU AN APOLOGY.
CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME
FOR WHAT I DID?
NO.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
I WANNA STAY
FRIENDS WITH YOU,
BUT I CAN'T SEEM
TO FORGIVE YOU.
YOU KNOW,
I--I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT
TRYIN' TO PUT THIS THING
BACK TOGETHER AND I...
IT TOOK ME 2 HOURS
JUST TO GET CAPTAIN JAZZBO'S
ARM BACK ON.
WELL, THAT'S NOT
HIS ARM, JOE.
IT'S A PART OF
THE AUXILIARY GENERATOR.
Y-YEAH, YOU SEE?
I--I JUST DON'T KNOW
HOW I CAN MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
UH, BUT I WANNA
STAY FRIENDS, TOO.
WHAT DO WE DO?
PRAY WITH ME, JOE.
WHAT?
PRAY FOR GUIDANCE.
I KNOW YOU'RE JEWISH,
BUT WE BOTH PRAY
TO THE SAME GOD.
LOWELL, I'M NOT JEWISH.
YOU'RE KIDDING?
WITH A NAME LIKE HACKETT?
HEAVENLY FATHER ABOVE,
YOU'RE LOOKING DOWN
ON 2 TORTURED SOULS.
WE ARE BUT MORTAL MEN
WITH FEET OF CLAY.
WE ARE NOT PERFECT.
WE MAKE MISTAKES.
YET SOMETIMES
WE CANNOT FIND IT
IN OUR HEARTS TO FORGIVE.
PLEASE, SHOW US THE WAY.
ARE WE DONE NOW?
NO, NO,
WE HAVE TO STAY QUIET
AND WAIT FOR A SIGN.
WHAT KIND OF A SIGN?
A SIGN THAT SAYS
WE'VE SUFFERED LONG ENOUGH
AND CAN ONCE AGAIN
CALL EACH OTHER FRIEND.
[sighing]
HOW LONG DOES THIS
USUALLY TAKE?
SHH!
LOWELL, MY FEET ARE
FALLING ASLEEP.
SO ARE MINE.
THAT'S IT!
THAT'S THE SIGN.
[stuttering]
THAT WAS THE SIGN?
COME ON, JOE. HOW MANY TIMES
CAN HE PART THE RED SEA?
SO WE'RE FRIENDS?
YOU BETCHA, JOE.
HEY, COME ON, LOWELL.
I-- I'LL BUY YOU A BEER.
UH, FIRST THINGS FIRST.
A LITTLE PRAYER
OF THANKSGIVING.
[scoffs]
YOU'RE KIDDING?