Wings (1990–1997): Season 1, Episode 4 - Return to Nantucket: Part 2 - full transcript

(Helen)
LAST WEEK ON WINGS.

A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO,
I WAS IN SAINT CROIX
AND I RAN INTO YOUR EX-WIFE.

CAROL IS STOPPING IN BOSTON
ON HER WAY TO LONDON.

WHAT?

I'VE GOT TO GET
IN TOUCH WITH CAROL.

THIS MIGHT BE
MY LAST CHANCE
TO WIN HER BACK.

THE MESSAGE IS,

"MEET ME AT THE TOP
OF THE PRUDENTIAL BUILDING,

TONIGHT, 8:00."

SOMEBODY'S TRYING
TO TAKE OFF IN THIS SOUP.

IT'S MY IDIOT BROTHER.



OK, LOOK, JOE,
I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET
THAT I TOOK THE PLANE.

I KNOW THAT.
BUT I JUST COULD NOT
LET THIS OPPORTUNITY

TO SEE CAROL SLIP BY
WITHOUT EVEN TRYING.

AND YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW
THAT SHE NEVER SHOWED.

THESE ARE FOR YOU.

SOME LADY NAMED CAROL
GAVE 'EM TO ME.

WHAT'D SHE SAY?

"AS MUCH AS IT HURTS,
I HAVE TO MOVE ON."

CAROL'S FINALLY GONE.

[elevator bell dings]

(all)
CAROL?

[seagulls cawing]

OH! CAROL.

I KNEW YOU'D COME.



I KNEW YOU'D COME BACK.
OH, UH...

WELL, YOU'RE ONE UP ON ME.
I HAD NO IDEA I'D BE HERE.

THAT'S WHY I SENT
THE CAB DRIVER
WITH THE FLOWERS.

YEAH, YEAH, LUTHER.
OH, GREAT GUY.

I THINK WE'RE ENGAGED.
IF WE CAN GET PAST
THE RACIAL THING.

HEY, HEY, HEY,
HEY, HEY.

BET YOU FEEL
PRETTY SILLY NOW, HUH?
LOOK WHO SHOWED UP.

[chuckling]

GEE, JOE,
THIS IS AN UNEXPECTEDLY

AWKWARD MOMENT.

YEAH, BUT THANK GOD
IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE.

YEAH.

THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE
IS BECAUSE I THOUGHT
YOU WOULDN'T BE.

I FIGURED BRIAN MIGHT NEED
SOMEONE TO MAKE SURE
HE GOT HOME SAFE AND SOUND.

AH, YOU KNOW JOE.

ONCE A CROSSING GUARD,
ALWAYS A CROSSING GUARD.

WELL, WELL, CAROL.

I GUESS I'M
THE LAST PERSON ON EARTH
YOU EXPECTED TO SEE HERE.

I'M SORRY,
DO WE KNOW EACH OTHER?

I'M HELEN CHAPEL.

I'M SORRY.
OH, PLEASE,

DON'T TELL ME
YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I...

THAT'S RIGHT.
LAST TIME YOU SAW ME,

I WAS A LITTLE OVERWEIGHT.

I'M TRYING TO PLACE YOU--

YOU USED TO CALL ME,
"FAT, FAT, THE WATER RAT."

HELEN, APPARENTLY, SHE--
OH, OF COURSE,
SHE REMEMBERS WHO I WAS.

I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH HER
FOR 8 YEARS, FOR GOD SAKES.

HELEN, WHY DON'T
WE SEE WHAT'S OUT
THESE OTHER WINDOWS?

I SAT RIGHT NEXT TO YOU
IN 4TH GRADE.

I'D DO YOUR HOMEWORK,
AND YOU'D GIVE ME
YOUR LUNCH.

[stammering]
I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE HERE.

UM, CAROL, I KNOW
THIS TIME WE'RE REALLY
GONNA MAKE IT WORK.

NO, NO, NO, REALLY,
AND--AND I--
BRIAN, BRIAN.

[elevator bell dings]

BEFORE YOU GO JUMPING
TO ANY CONCLUSIONS,

I'M STILL GOING TO LONDON.
I JUST...

I MEAN,
I HAVE A JOB THERE.

IT'S JUST,
WHEN I GOT ON THE PLANE,

I COULDN'T STOP THINKING
OF YOU STANDING HERE
ALL BY YOURSELF.

BUT YOU'RE FORGETTING LUTHER
AND WHAT WE MEAN
TO EACH TOGETHER.

YOU HAD NO WAY OF KNOWING
I'D EVEN GET YOUR MESSAGE.

BUT YOU...
I KNEW YOU'D BE HERE.

I COULDN'T IGNORE
A GESTURE LIKE THAT.

A GESTURE LIKE MINE?
WHAT ABOUT YOUR GESTURE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, I MEAN, FLYING
TO LONDON FROM MIAMI,
STOPPING IN BOSTON?

THAT'S NOT EXACTLY
A DIRECT FLIGHT.

I MEAN, WHY ELSE
WOULD YOU WANNA COME HERE
OTHER THAN TO SEE ME?

TO SAY GOOD-BYE
TO MY PARENTS?

OH.

HEY, DO THEY STILL HAVE
THAT 3-LEGGED
BLIND CHIHUAHUA?

LUCKY? YEAH.
UH-HUH.

WELL, LOOK, BRIAN,
I BETTER GO.

I THINK I CAN STILL CATCH
THE LATE FLIGHT.

[gasps]

OH.

[exhales]

WE SHOULD'VE KISSED
LIKE THAT MORE OFTEN.

I GUESS I WAS
ALWAYS TOO BUSY TRYING
TO SWALLOW YOUR TONSILS.

LOOK, UH,
WE CAN'T LET IT
END LIKE THIS.

YOU GOTTA COME BACK
TO NANTUCKET WITH ME.

I'M NOT LOOKING
FOR A COMMITMENT
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

JUST GIVE IT
40 OR 50 YEARS,

AND THEN
IF THINGS DON'T WORK OUT,

I'LL POP YOUR TEETH BACK IN
AND OFF YOU GO.

[sighing]

WELL, MAYBE
IT'S WORTH A TRY.

[exclaims]

OK.

HEY, UH, GUYS,

CAROL IS COMING BACK
TO THE ISLAND WITH US.

NO KIDDING.

ISN'T THAT GREAT?

YOUR FATHER USED TO RUN
THAT LITTLE ICE CREAM PARLOR
ON FEDERAL STREET, RIGHT?

YES, BUT I--
WELL, THAT WAS
PRACTICALLY MY 2ND HOME.

OF COURSE, NOW I KNOW
THAT I ONLY OVEREAT

BECAUSE I'M NERVOUS
OR ANXIOUS ABOUT SOMETHING.

HELEN--
OH, YOU REMEMBER?

YOU PUSHED ME DOWN
ON THE SIDEWALK 'CAUSE
I SPILLED HOT FUDGE

ALL OVER
YOUR NEW DRESS.
GIVE IT UP, HELEN.

[sighing]

I'M HUNGRY.
IS ANYBODY HUNGRY?

HAVEN'T YOU GOT ANYTHING
TO EAT BACK HERE?

SOME PEANUTS
OR SOME CRACKERS OR--

RELAX, WILL YOU?
IT'S ONLY
A 40-MINUTE FLIGHT.

MAYBE ONE OF THOSE
PRE-MOISTENED TOWELETTES.

YOU KNOW,
WITH THE LEMON SCENT.

I COULD JUST
SORT OF SUCK ON IT.

OH, WOULD YOU
LOOK AT THAT MOON?

ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?
HMM.

AH, WELL, WELL, WELL,

WOULD YOU LOOK AT
THE 3 OF US?

[laughs]

YOU KNOW,
THERE WAS A TIME
WHEN I DIDN'T THINK

I'D BE SPEAKING
TO EITHER OF YOU AGAIN.

JOE, ABOUT THAT TIME
WHEN--WHEN BRIAN AND I,
UM, WELL, YOU KNOW...

YOU MEAN,
WHEN YOU DUMPED ME
AND RAN OFF WITH BRIAN?

OH, YOU DO REMEMBER.

DON'T WORRY, CAROL,
THAT WAS 6 YEARS AGO.

I DON'T EVEN THINK
ABOUT IT ANYMORE.

[inaudible]

WELL, CAN I SAY
I'M SORRY?

I THINK YOU JUST DID.

SO, UH, I GUESS
YOU'RE GONNA BE NEEDING
A PLACE TO STAY.

(Carol)
OH, I'LL FIND A ROOM.

OH, DON'T BE SILLY.
YOU CAN MOVE IN WITH US.

JOE CAN MOVE OUT
FOR A FEW DAYS.

ALL RIGHT?
UM...

OH, NO, I DON'T WANT
TO INCONVENIENCE ANYBODY.

[thudding]
WELL, HOW ABOUT HELEN?
SHE'S GOT AN EXTRA BEDROOM.

AH, BUT THAT'S OK, REALLY.

I FEEL A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE
STAYING WITH STRANGERS.

THERE ARE PLENTY OF
GUEST HOUSES ON THE ISLAND.
I'LL BE FINE.

[plastic crackling]

HA! YEAH!
I FOUND A PACKAGE
OF ROASTED ALMONDS.

FOUND IT RIGHT BETWEEN
THE SEATS.

HA!

[birds chirping]

MORNING, HELEN.
WHAT YOU GOT THERE?

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

LOOKS LIKE YOU CRUSHED UP
A BAG OF OREOS
AND POURED MILK OVER THEM.

I'M ALL OUT
OF OAT BRAN, OK?

ARE YOU UPSET
ABOUT SOMETHIN'?

I'M NOT UPSET
ABOUT ANYTHING.

I'M JUST TRYING TO HAVE
A LITTLE BREAKFAST HERE,

AND IF HEAR ONE MORE WORD
OUT OF YOU,

I'M GONNA CRAM
THIS FRIGGIN' BOWL
DOWN YOUR THROAT.

YOU KNOW,
FOR A SECOND THERE,

SHE SOUNDED JUST LIKE
MY LATE WIFE.

WHERE'S HELEN?

TRUST ME, LOWELL,
YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW.

YES, I DO.

I THINK IT'S
ONE OF THOSE WOMAN THINGS.

GOD, I'M TIRED OF THOSE.

YOU'RE TIRED OF THEM?

YEAH.

YOU'RE TIRED
OF THOSE WOMAN THINGS?

ROY, ARE YOU TELLING ME
THAT YOU'RE A WOMAN
DRESSED UP LIKE A MAN?

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

AND A HEARING LOSS
TO BOOT.

YOU'VE GOT A LOT
ON YOUR PLATE, MY FRIEND.

ARE YOU STARK RAVING MAD?

AH, A FIERY WENCH.
GUYS LOVE THAT.

YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME.

RELAX, ROY.

MY WIFE WOULD KILL ME
IF SHE CAUGHT ME
CHEATING ON HER.

HEY, GUYS.
HEY, BRIAN,
HOW WAS THE FLIGHT?

AH, ROUTINE.
THE CONTROLS SEEMED
A LITTLE SLUGGISH AT FIRST,

BUT THEN SOME
FAT GUY FELL OUT,
AND EVERYTHING WAS FINE.

VERY FUNNY.

HEY, JOE.
YEAH?

I PROMISED I WOULD
TAKE CAROL ON A PICNIC
OVER AT SIASCONSET LIGHT.

BUT IN ORDER TO DO THAT,
YOU GOTTA TAKE
MY NEXT FLIGHT FOR ME, HUH?

SOUNDS LIKE YOU GUYS ARE
GETTING ALONG PRETTY WELL.

AH, WE'RE DOING GREAT.
IT'S LIKE A FRESH START.

SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
YOU'LL DO IT, PLEASE?
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE?

YEAH, SURE. WHY NOT?
AH! GREAT!

I JUST GOTTA DASH OUT
AND GET SOME GOODIES.
I'LL BE BACK IN 10 MINUTES.

I LOVE YOU.

I'VE GOT TO START PAYING
CLOSER ATTENTION AROUND HERE.

GOOD GOD, HELEN,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M HAVING
A LITTLE SNACK.

EVER SINCE CAROL CAME BACK,
YOU'VE DONE NOTHING
BUT EAT, EAT, EAT.

HELEN, LOOK AT YOURSELF.

YOU'VE GOT PIE
ALL OVER YOUR FACE.

OH, GOD.

I'M LETTIN'
THIS WOMAN AFFECT ME.

I'VE REVERTED BACK TO
MY OLD SELF-DESTRUCTIVE
EATING HABITS.

TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME.
GOOD FOR YOU.

UGH! I DON'T WANNA
SEE THAT ANYMORE.

I'M DONE PIGGIN' OUT.

THANKS, JOE.

LOWELL, DID YOU GET
THE PIZZA?

UH, IT'S OUT IN THE PICKUP.
YOU WANT ME TO GET IT?

NO, NO, NO.
BRING IT OUT
TO THE HANGAR.

THERE'S TOO MANY PRYING EYES
AROUND HERE.

RIGHT.

AND WHATEVER YOU DO,
DON'T LET JOE SEE YOU.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT JOE.

HE'S GOT OTHER THINGS
ON HIS MIND.

[knocking on door]

AM I DISTURBING ANYTHING?

CAROL.

NO, COME IN.
I WAS JUST STRAIGHTENING UP
MY DESK.

[airplane whirring]

STILL NEAT AS A PIN, HUH?

WELL, HEY,
I AM GETTING BETTER.

I MEAN-- I MEAN,
DO YOU SEE THAT STAPLER?

IN THE OLD DAYS,
THAT WOULD'VE HAD TO HAVE BEEN
AT A 90-DEGREE ANGLE.

NOW IT'S ABOUT 82,
AND IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME
AT ALL.

SO, UH, YOU'RE GOING
ON A PICNIC, HUH?

JOE, I HOPE
ALL THIS HASN'T BEEN
TOO DIFFICULT FOR YOU.

YOU MEAN, SEEING YOU
AND BRIAN TOGETHER?

NO, NO, IT'S OK.
I'M HAPPY FOR YOU TWO.

I MEAN,
IT TOOK ME A WHILE,
BUT I FINALLY REALIZED

THAT IT'S NOT GONNA WORK
BETWEEN YOU AND ME.
AND IF IT'S NOT GONNA--

CAROL!

CAROL.

NO! NO!

THIS--THIS CAN'T HAPPEN.

YOU CAME BACK FOR BRIAN.

I KNOW I DID.

BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN,
ALL THESE FEELINGS FOR YOU
CAME WELLING UP INSIDE ME.

I DIDN'T PLAN THIS, JOE.
I'M AS SURPRISED AS YOU ARE.

I DOUBT IT.
OH.

[both moaning]

[grunting]

WE SHOULD BE ASHAMED
OF OURSELVES.

I MEAN, BRIAN IS OUT
BUYING BREAD AND CHEESE

AND, I DON'T KNOW,
THOSE LITTLE SMOKED OYSTERS,
MAYBE, AND--AND...

OH, I HOPE HE DOESN'T GET
THOSE LITTLE SMOKED OYSTERS.

I DON'T LIKE THOSE.
DO YOU?

NOT MUCH.

WELL, SOMETIMES
IF YOU GET THE RIGHT KIND.
I LIKE THE ONES...

[moaning]

JOE, WE'VE GOT TO
STOP THIS RIGHT NOW
BEFORE IT GOES ANY FURTHER.

I COULDN'T AGREE MORE.

[both panting]

WHAT AM I DOING?

JOE, STOP FEELING
SO GUILTY.

I'M PARTLY
TO BLAME HERE, TOO.

OH, DON'T BE SO HARD
ON YOURSELF.

I'M SURE YOU JUST TRIPPED,
FELL, AND LANDED ON MY LIPS.

IT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE.

I'M SORRY.
ARE YOU STILL ANGRY WITH ME?

FURIOUS.

HEY, GUYS? GUYS?

OUT HERE, BRIAN.

HEY.

WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR DESK?

MY DESK?
YEAH.

OH, UH, I WAS JUST
POLISHING IT.

AH, IT'S SO NICE AND SHINY.
MOM WOULD'VE BEEN PROUD.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.
HEY.

HI, THERE.

HEY, I GOT A CAN
OF THOSE LITTLE SMOKED OYSTERS
I KNOW YOU LIKE SO MUCH.

OOH, YUM, YUM.

HEY, JOE, JOE,
I WANNA THANK YOU
FOR WHAT YOU DID.

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
WHY WOULD I DO SOMETHING?

COME ON, YOU TOOK
MY FLIGHT FOR ME,
AND I APPRECIATE IT.

OH, THAT. RIGHT.
YEAH, HEY, ANYTIME.
UH, WHICH REMINDS ME.

I GOTTA GO DO
MY FLEE FRIGHT--
UH, MY FREE FLIGHT--

I--I GOTTA GO.

YEAH.

HEY, CAROL, YOU GOT
A PAPER CLIP ON YOUR BACK.

[door closing]

[footsteps pattering]

GOOD NIGHT, JOE.

AND THANKS AGAIN
FOR LETTING ME WORK
AT SANDPIPER AIR.

YOU'RE WELCOME, FAY,
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY
THAT TO ME EVERY NIGHT.

YOU'VE GOT THE JOB.

OH, UM, WELL, IN THAT CASE,
I'D LIKE A DENTAL PLAN.

I'M KIDDING.

SORT OF.

GOOD NIGHT.

WELL, SHE'S ALL
LOCKED UP, JOE.

JUST CATCH THE FRONT DOOR
ON YOUR WAY OUT.

OK, LOWELL.
GOOD NIGHT.

EVERYTHING OK, JOE?

WELL, ACTUALLY,
I'VE GOT A LITTLE PROBLEM.

BUT, HEY,
EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS.

NOT LIKE YOURS.

LISTEN, JOE,
IF YOU AND BRIAN WANNA
DATE EACH OTHER,

WELL, IT'S
YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

BUT BEFORE YOU GIVE UP
ON THE FAIRER SEX,

GIVE ROY A CALL.

A NICER GAL
YOU WON'T FIND ANYWHERE.

LOWELL JUST GAVE ME
A REALLY WEIRD LOOK.

HOW COULD YOU TELL?

HEY--HEY,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I THOUGHT YOU WENT
TO DINNER WITH CAROL.

NAH, I JUST DROPPED HER OFF.

SHE SAID SHE DID SOMETHING
TO HER BACK TODAY.

YEAH, THAT CAN HAPPEN.

JOE, I WANT YOU TO KNOW

HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE YOU
BEING SUCH A GREAT SPORT
ABOUT ALL THIS.

UH, BRIAN, LISTEN.

THERE'S SOMETHING
I-- I'VE GOTTA--

JOE, JOE, JOE, JOE.

IF CAROL AND I DO
GET BACK TOGETHER,

MAYBE WE CAN ADD
A ROOM ONTO THE HOUSE.

BRIAN, LISTEN TO ME, I--

OF COURSE, EVENTUALLY
WE'LL HAVE TO MOVE INTO
SOMETHING A LITTLE BIGGER

ONCE THE LITTLE ONES
START ARRIVING.
I'D KIND OF LIKE A GIRL.

BRIAN, PLEASE--
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK--

WHAT DO YOU THINK
ABOUT NAMES?

I'M KIND OF PARTIAL
TO DORALDINE.
BRIAN.

AH, BUT THERE'LL BE
LIKE 6 OTHER DORALDINES
IN HER CLASS.

BUT I--
BRIAN, HOW 'BOUT YOU SHUT UP
FOR GOD'S SAKE?

BRIAN...

CAROL MADE
A PASS AT ME TODAY.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

BRIAN, IT'S TRUE.

AND WHAT'S WORSE IS,

I PASSED BACK.

HMM. WELL,
THAT PART I BELIEVE.

OH, BOY.

OH, THIS MUST BE
REAL SWEET FOR YOU, HUH?

YEAH, YOU COULDN'T WAIT
TO TAKE YOUR REVENGE,
COULD YOU?

SO--SO, WHEN DID YOU
START PLANNING THIS, HUH?

WHEN YOU HEARD THAT
SHE WAS COMING BACK
TO NANTUCKET?

OR DIDN'T IT OCCUR TO YOU
UNTIL YOU SAW
THAT I WAS HAPPY?

THAT'S NOT TRUE!
YEAH, IT IS TRUE!

BRIAN, CAROL MADE
THE FIRST MOVE.

NOW, YOU SHUT UP!

LOOK, 6 YEARS AGO
SHE LEFT ME
AND WENT AFTER YOU.

6 MONTHS AGO, SHE LEFT YOU
AND--AND WENT AFTER
SOME OTHER GUY.

WHY IS IT SO HARD
TO BELIEVE?

BECAUSE IT'S
DIFFERENT THIS TIME!
I KNOW IT IS.

BRIAN, I JUST DON'T WANNA
SEE YOU GET HURT AGAIN.

HEY, IF YOU DON'T
WANNA GET HURT,

YOU STAY AWAY FROM HER.

BRIAN!

[knocking on door]

[knocking on door]

HELLO, CAROL.

W-W-WHAT DO YOU WANT?
HELEN, ISN'T IT?

VERY GOOD.

AREN'T YOU GONNA
INVITE ME IN? THANK YOU.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

NO, THE QUESTION IS
WHAT DO YOU WANT?

HAVEN'T YOU SCREWED UP
THE HACKETT BOYS' LIFE
ENOUGH FOR ONE LIFETIME?

HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?

I'VE HAD 4 GLASSES
OF CHIANTI
WITH MY SPAGHETTI.

AND I HAD 3 HELPINGS OF THAT
IF YOU MUST KNOW.

AH, WELL,
THAT WOULD EXPLAIN

THAT ATTRACTIVE
SPAGHETTI SAUCE STAIN
ON YOUR SWEATER THEN.

OH, YEAH, I ACCIDENTALLY
BOUNCED A MEATBALL
OFF MY LEFT BREAST.

I WANT YOU TO LEAVE.

WELL, THE FEELING IS MUTUAL.

WHERE DO YOU GET OFF
NOT REMEMBERING WHO I AM?

WE WERE IN EVERY SCHOOL
PRODUCTION TOGETHER.

YOU WERE ALWAYS
THE STAR OF THE SHOW,

AND I PLAYED THE CELLO
DOWN IN THE PIT.

IF THAT ISN'T A METAPHOR
FOR SOMETHING.

YOU EVEN SIGNED
MY YEARBOOK.

"I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU.
LOVE, CAROL."

THAT'S YOU?

YOU WERE
THE FAT, LITTLE CELLIST
DOWN IN THE PIT.

YES, YES! THAT WAS ME!
YOU REMEMBER!

SO, HOW YOU BEEN?

SO, THAT'S WHAT
THIS IS ALL ABOUT?

OH, YES, I REMEMBER YOU.

YOU ALWAYS HATED ME

'CAUSE BRIAN AND JOE
WERE INTERESTED IN ME
AND NOT YOU.

YOU'RE CRAZY.

THERE WAS PLENTY
OF OTHER REASONS
TO HATE YOU.

BUT THAT WAS THE BIG ONE,
WASN'T IT?

AND APPARENTLY,
THINGS HAVEN'T CHANGED.

OH, IT MUST BE
SO FRUSTRATING FOR YOU.

I MEAN, IN ONE DAY,
I HAVE THE BOYS FALLING
ALL OVER EACH OTHER.

SOMETHING YOU HAVEN'T
BEEN ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH
IN 10 YEARS.

[shouts]
I BET
YOU REMEMBER ME NOW!

[screaming]

[knocking on door]

[grunting]

[banging on door]

HEY, CAROL! HEY!

(Brian)
HELEN, WHAT IS GOIN' ON HERE?

SHE'S DRUNK!

HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING,
HELEN?

[whispering]
I HAD A LITTLE WINE
WITH DINNER.

NOW, WHAT IS
ALL THIS ABOUT?

WELL, LOOK WHO'S ASKING
THE QUESTIONS.

I COULD ASK YOU
A REAL DOOZY, LOVER-BOY.

AND SO COULD
YOUR BROTHER,

[whispering]
IF HE KNEW.

I'VE ALREADY TOLD BRIAN.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IT?

OH, I SAW YOU TWO
PAWING EACH OTHER.

I BET YOU NEVER GUESSED

THERE WOULD BE SOMEONE
SITTING IN THOSE LOCKERS
EATING PIZZA.

SHE WAS ALL OVER HIM
LIKE SYRUP ON PANCAKES.

OOH, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

DOES THIS PLACE HAVE
ROOM SERVICE?
I'LL GO CHECK.

OH, HOW COULD YOU
DO THIS TO ME?

BRIAN, I AM SO SORRY
IF I HURT YOU.

IT'S JUST, I FEEL LIKE
I'M BEING TORN APART.

I MEAN, HALF OF ME WANTS
YOU AND ALL THE CRAZINESS
THAT GOES WITH YOU,

BUT--BUT THE OTHER HALF WANTS
JOE, SO STRONG AND SOLID.

YOU CAN HAVE
THE HALF OF HER THAT COOKS.

HOW CAN YOU JOKE
ABOUT THIS?

BECAUSE IT'S WHAT I DO.

THIS ISN'T FAIR
TO EITHER ONE OF YOU.

I HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION.
I KNOW THAT.

COULD YOU JUST GIVE ME
A MINUTE, 'CAUSE I CAN'T
THINK STRAIGHT.

WE'LL KNOW
SOON ENOUGH, EH?

WOULD YOU LISTEN
TO YOURSELF?

SHE'S IN THERE DECIDING
WHICH ONE OF US
SHE'S GONNA PICK.

LIKE WE'RE A--
WE'RE A COUPLE OF MELONS
ON A FRUIT STAND.

WELL, I'M TAKING MYSELF
OUT OF THE RUNNING.

AND IF YOU HAVE
ANY DIGNITY AT ALL,
YOU'LL DO THE SAME.

MMM, DIGNITY WAS NEVER
MY STRONG SUIT.

LOOK WHAT SHE IS DOING
TO US, BRIAN.

THE LAST TIME
SHE CAME BETWEEN US,

WE DIDN'T SPEAK
FOR 6 YEARS.

NOW, I DON'T WANT THAT
TO HAPPEN AGAIN, DO YOU?

NO.

WELL, ONE OF US HAS BEEN
UP FRONT WITH YOU.

ONE OF US HAS TOLD YOU
THE TRUTH.

AND ONLY ONE OF US
REALLY CARES ABOUT YOU.

JUST MY LUCK IT'S YOU.

OH, OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

OH, THIS WOMAN IS
POISON TO US.

PURE STRYCHNINE.

WE'RE MEN, BRIAN.
OH.

LET'S ACT LIKE MEN.

RIGHT YOU ARE, JOSEPH.
AS FAR AS SHE'S CONCERNED,
WE'RE NOT INTERESTED.

[door opening]

WELL, THERE'S NO GRACIOUS WAY
TO DO THIS,

SO, UH, I PICK BRIAN.

YES! YES!
ALL RIGHT! YES!

MELONS, BRIAN, MELONS.

YEAH, OK, OK, OK.

I'M SORRY, CAROL.
I'M NOT INTERESTED.

I SEE.

AND WHAT ABOUT YOU, JOE?

ARE YOU REJECTING ME, TOO?

JOE?

JOE, SHE'S TALKING TO YOU.

NOW, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
YOU'RE AS BAD AS I AM,

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT.
LET'S FACE IT.

NEITHER ONE OF US
HAS THE PRUNES
TO BREAK UP WITH HER.

IT'S GONNA HAVE TO BE
A TEAM EFFORT.

WE HAVE TO TELL HER THAT
WE CAN'T SEE HER ANYMORE.

LET'S DO IT.

[both grunting]

CAROL, WE CAN'T
SEE YOU ANYMORE.

YEAH, YOU'RE
NO GOOD FOR US.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

OH, SURE, WE HAD
SOME GREAT TIMES TOGETHER,

AND THOSE WILL ALWAYS BE
CHERISHED MEMORIES FOR US.

HEY, HEY, HEY, YOU REMEMBER
THE FIRST TIME WE SAW HER?

OUR HEARTS SKIPPED A BEAT.
YEAH.

NOW'S THE TIME
TO SAY GOOD-BYE.

WE'RE BREAKIN' UP
WITH YOU, CAROL.

AND PLEASE, PLEASE
DON'T TRY TO STOP US.

GOOD-BYE, CAROL.
GOOD-BYE, CAROL.

WELL, YOU BOTH KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE MISSING.

[both scoffing]

[knocking on door]

I KNEW IT.

HELEN.

GOOD NEWS.
THEY DO HAVE ROOM SERVICE.

DO YOU WANNA SEE
THE DESSERT MENU?