Wings (1990–1997): Season 1, Episode 1 - Legacy - full transcript
Estranged brothers reunite at a small airport to try to find their recently deceased father's hidden fortune.
[door opening]
GOD, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
(Lowell)
THANK YOU.
OH, HI, LOWELL.
I WAS JUST TALKING
TO THE PLANE.
UH-HUH.
SEE, PILOTS FEEL SORT OF
SPECIAL ABOUT THEIR PLANES.
[chuckles]
INCREDIBLE.
[airplane whirring]
I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY,
BUT IF YOU PUT YOUR HANDS
LIKE SO,
YOU CAN ALMOST FEEL HER
PUSHING EVER SO SLIGHTLY
UPWARD.
LIKE SHE'S STRAINING
TO GET IN THE AIR.
CAN'T SAY I BLAME HER.
WHEN YOU'RE UP THERE
AND YOU'RE LOOKING DOWN,
EVERYTHING SORTA
MAKES SENSE.
WELL, NOT IN
AN INTELLECTUAL WAY,
BUT KINDA SPIRITUALLY.
IT NEVER FAILS.
EVERY TIME I FLY,
I COME BACK
A LITTLE SURER THERE'S A GOD.
I GO DOWN TO THE DUMP
AND SHOOT RATS.
THEN YOU DO UNDERSTAND.
[seagulls cawing]
ANNOUNCING THE ARRIVAL
OF SANDPIPER AIR FLIGHT 26,
NONSTOP SERVICE
FROM BOSTON
TO OUR LOVELY ISLAND
OF NANTUCKET.
UH, FOR THOSE OF YOU
GOING OUT TO GREET
ARRIVING PASSENGERS,
WE'VE LEARNED,
DUE TO ONE PARTICULARLY
NASTY INCIDENT,
THAT IT'S BEST TO WAIT
FOR THE PROPELLERS TO COME
TO A COMPLETE STOP.
THANKS FOR FLYING
SANDPIPER AIR.
HI, FAY.
HI, JOE.
HOW MUCH TIME DO I HAVE
TILL THE NEXT FLIGHT?
WELL, IT'S YOUR AIRLINE, JOE.
YOU CAN LEAVE ANYTIME.
UH, BUT THE SCHEDULE
SAYS 7 MINUTES.
YOU'VE GOT 6 PASSENGERS
AND A CRATE OF LOBSTERS THAT
HAVE TO BE DELIVERED ALIVE.
THE LOBSTERS,
NOT THE PEOPLE.
ALTHOUGH I'M SURE
THE PEOPLE WOULD
APPRECIATE IT, TOO.
WELL, YEAH, I HAVEN'T
LOST ONE YET. LOAD THEM UP.
I'M GONNA GRAB
A QUICK BITE.
(Roy)
HEY, HACKETT.
WHAT, ROY?
THEY DELIVERED THIS
TO MY AIRLINE BY MISTAKE.
OH, THANKS.
IT'S FROM SOME LAWYERS.
WHAT DID YOU DO WRONG?
I DIDN'T DO
ANYTHING WRONG.
THE HELL YOU DIDN'T!
YOU PARKED SO CLOSE
TO MY EL CAMINO LAST NIGHT
I HAD TO CRAWL IN
ON THE PASSENGER SIDE.
THAT GEAR SHIFT
AND I HAD A MOMENT
I'LL NEVER FORGET.
HEY, ROY,
WHEN DID YOU GET THIS?
I DON'T KNOW,
IT WAS LAST WEEK SOME TIME.
LOOK, UNLIKE YOU, HACKETT,
I'M RUNNING A BIG OPERATION
HERE.
CHECK THE TARMAC, BUDDY.
I'VE GOT 6 PLANES,
YOU GOT ONE.
I DON'T HAVE TIME
TO PLAY POST OFFICE.
DAMN IT, ROY,
THIS COULD BE IMPORTANT.
[laughing]
RIGHT, HACKETT, RIGHT.
THE DAY YOU GET
AN IMPORTANT PIECE OF MAIL,
I'LL KISS YOUR BEHIND
IN THE TOWN SQUARE
AT HIGH NOON.
GIVEN UP ON THOSE
DIAL-A-DATES, ROY?
HI, HELEN,
I'D LIKE A B.L.T.
4 SLICES OF BACON,
EXTRA CRISP.
WHOLE WHEAT, LIGHTLY TOASTED.
MUSTARD ON TOP,
MAYONNAISE ON THE BOTTOM
AND 2 PICKLES ON THE SIDE.
HOW DID YOU KNOW
I WAS GONNA ORDER THAT?
IT'S TUESDAY.
YOU ALWAYS ORDER THAT
ON TUESDAY.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
TODAY HAPPENS TO BE...
WELL, THIS LOOKS GOOD.
WHOA.
(Helen)
WHAT YOU GOT?
IT'S A LETTER FROM THE LAWYER
WHO HANDLED THINGS
WHEN MY DAD DIED.
HE WAS INSTRUCTED
TO SEND THIS PACKAGE TO ME
WHEN THE ESTATE
WAS FINALLY SETTLED.
WELL, OPEN IT.
WELL, THERE'S A CATCH.
THIS LETTER SAYS,
I'M ONLY SUPPOSED
TO OPEN IT WITH MY BROTHER.
WELL, THAT'S THAT.
WHAT?
WELL, I KNOW
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CALL HIM.
YOU HAVEN'T TALKED
TO YOUR BROTHER FOR 6 YEARS.
THAT IS A LONG TIME
TO HOLD A GRUDGE.
WELL, NOT FOR YOU,
BUT MAYBE
FOR THE AVERAGE PERSON.
I DO NOT HOLD A GRUDGE.
YOU'VE ALWAYS
SAID THAT ABOUT ME.
EVER SINCE WE WERE KIDS.
AND QUITE FRANKLY,
I'VE ALWAYS RESENTED IT.
[phone ringing]
I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME
THAT YOU GOT OVER THE FACT
THAT CAROL THE PIG DUMPED YOU
AND MARRIED YOUR BROTHER.
CAROL IS NOT A PIG.
AND I AM OVER IT.
I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU HAD A BROTHER, JOE.
WELL, HE'S NOT
SO MUCH A BROTHER
AS HE IS A PIECE OF POPCORN
STUCK BETWEEN MY TEETH
FOR THE LAST 28 YEARS.
WE'RE NOT VERY CLOSE.
I WENT MY WAY
AND BRIAN WENT HIS.
WITH A PIG.
STOP SAYING THAT.
I WILL
IF YOU CALL HIM.
NO WAY.
ALL RIGHT, HOW OLD WAS I
WHEN I MOVED OUT HERE
FROM TEXAS?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT, 10. WHY?
OK. I THINK WE'VE BEEN
FRIENDS LONG ENOUGH
THAT I CAN SAY TO YOU
JUST BETWEEN THE TWO OF US,
CALL YOUR BROTHER, BUTTHEAD.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL CALL HIM.
GOOD.
(Fay)
GOOD FOR YOU, JOE.
IT'S NOT IMPORTANT WHETHER
YOUR BROTHER MARRIED A PIG
OR DIDN'T MARRY A PIG.
SHE IS NOT A PIG.
WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS THAT
YOU SHOULD HONOR
YOUR FATHER'S LAST WORDS.
WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M NOT
HONORING HIS LAST WORDS.
I'M HONORING
HIS LAST WISHES.
HIS LAST WORDS WERE,
"SIT ON MY LAP, EYDIE."
HE THOUGHT
I WAS EYDIE GORME.
I DON'T KNOW.
I GAVE IT A SHOT
AND I'M HERE
TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
DEBORAH NORVILLE DOESN'T HAVE
THE HUMANITY JANE PAULEY HAD.
SHE'S GONE, ROY.
SHE'S GONE.
WE GO THROUGH THIS
EVERY DAY.
JANE HAD 13 GOOD YEARS.
BUT NOW, SHE'S GONE.
NOW, GET OVER IT.
I KNOW THAT UP HERE.
DOGGONE IT.
BUT HOW DO YOU FILL
THE VOID IN HERE?
HOW ABOUT A JELLY DOUGHNUT?
JANE WHO?
OH.
EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.
HI, I'M LOOKING FOR THE OWNER
OF AEROMASS AIRLINES.
I'VE GOT TO SHAKE HIS HAND.
OH, THAT'D BE ME.
ROY BIGGINS.
HI.
AND YOU ARE, UH...
UH, CALL ME BRIAN.
BRIAN, RIGHT.
I JUST CAME OFF
ONE OF YOUR FLIGHTS
AND SIR,
YOU ARE A GENIUS.
I AM?
OH, YOU BETCHA.
I MEAN, I'VE HEARD OF SOME
CREATIVE COST-CUTTING
MEASURES BEFORE,
BUT GETTING RID
OF THE LIFE JACKETS,
IT'S INSPIRED.
SURE, TELL THEM
THEY'RE UNDER THE SEATS
BUT NOBODY EVER CHECKS.
SO WHY HAVE 'EM?
THEY ARE TOO
UNDER THE SEATS.
OH, SURE THEY ARE.
SURE THEY ARE.
OH, AND GETTING A PILOT
FRESH OUT OF FLIGHT SCHOOL
MUST HAVE SAVED YOU
SOME SERIOUS COIN, HUH?
NICE KID, TOO.
HAD A COUPLE OF DRINKS
WITH HIM BEFORE THE FLIGHT.
IT'S TOO BAD ABOUT THAT
EYE OPERATION THOUGH.
BUT LIKE HE SAID,
HOW OFTEN DO YOU HAVE
TO LOOK LEFT ANYWAY?
FOLKS, FOLKS,
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
I SEE YOU'VE MANAGED
TO SLIP IN UNNOTICED.
JOEY!
DO YOU KNOW THIS GUY?
I'M AFRAID SO.
HE'S MY BROTHER.
ROY BIGGINS,
BRIAN HACKETT.
PLEASURE.
HEY, SANSABELT SLACKS.
BOY, YOU MISS ONE ISSUE
OF G.Q.
AND THE FASHION WORLD
JUST PASSES YOU BY.
KEEP THIS GUY AWAY
FROM ME.
FOLKS, FOLKS...
OH, BEEN TOO LONG, JOE.
YEAH.
YEAH.
SO, HOW YOU BEEN?
FINE, BRIAN. AND YOU?
"FINE, BRIAN. AND YOU?
FINE, BRIAN. AND YOU?"
PLEASE, JOE.
TOO MUCH WARMTH.
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.
UH, THIS PLACE NEVER CHANGES.
YOU, UH,
YOU LOOK A LITTLE TIRED.
OH, NO, I'M FINE.
HEY, I KNOW YOU, JOE.
YOU'RE THE BEST PILOT AROUND
BUT YOU'RE DOING TOO MUCH.
YOU'RE RUNNING THE OFFICE,
YOU'RE FLYING THE PLANES.
YOU KEEP THIS PACE UP,
YOU'RE GONNA END UP
LIKE HOWARD HUGHES.
LOCKED IN A HOTEL ROOM,
SITTING ON KLEENEX,
SUCKING APPLE SAUCE
THROUGH A STRAW.
AIN'T THAT SOMETHIN'?
ALL THAT MONEY
AND HIS HOBBIES
ARE THE SAME AS MINE.
REALLY?
HE ALSO USED TO COLLECT
TOENAIL CLIPPINGS
AND KEEP THEM
IN A MASON JAR.
THIS IS UNCANNY.
WHO'S THAT?
THAT'S LOWELL MATHER.
HE'S SORT OF A
JACK-OF-ALL-TRADES
AROUND HERE.
HIS FAMILY HAS
LIVED ON THE ISLAND
FOR 5 GENERATIONS.
AH!
PROBABLY IN THE SAME ROOM.
WELL, SHALL WE GET DOWN
TO BUSINESS AND FIND OUT
WHAT POP LEFT US?
(Helen)
HEY, BRIAN!
HELEN? HELEN CHAPEL?
OH, MY GOD!
YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
YOU'VE LOST
A LOT OF WEIGHT.
OH, I HAVE NOT.
MAYBE A POUND OR 2 OR 60.
HEY.
COME ON, BRIAN.
HELEN'S BUSY.
NO, IT'S OK.
WELL, YOU'RE LOOKING
PRETTY GOOD YOURSELF.
WHAT'VE YOU BEEN DOING?
UH, I'M DOWN IN
THE CARIBBEAN
FLYING CHARTER
FOR THE RICH AND FAMOUS.
HMM.
BUSINESS IS PICKIN' UP.
ALTHOUGH THE NORIEGA
SPRING BARBECUE
LOOKS A LITTLE IFFY.
SO WHAT ARE YOU
STILL DOING HERE?
I THOUGHT THAT CELLO OF YOURS
WAS GOING TO GET YOU OFF
THIS ROCK.
ONE DAY IT WILL.
I PRACTICE ALL THE TIME.
I GO TO MY AUDITIONS.
YOU KNOW, IN THE MEANTIME,
I'M HERE.
BRIAN, NOW.
[phone ringing]
HEY, JOEY, UH,
ARE YOU AND HELEN,
MMM, YOU KNOW?
OF COURSE NOT.
WE'RE FRIENDS.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
LOOK AT THAT BODY.
BRIAN, HOW CAN YOU
THINK OF HER THAT WAY?
SHE'S PRACTICALLY FAMILY.
SHE'S LIKE
A BABY SISTER.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I THINK IT'S TIME I GAVE
THAT LITTLE TYKE A BATH.
OH, SAME OLD JOE,
NEAT AS A PIN.
EVERYTHING AT RIGHT ANGLES.
IT'S CALLED HAVING
YOUR LIFE IN ORDER.
YOU OUGHT
TO TRY IT SOMETIME.
SO, HOW'S CAROL?
FINE, FINE.
SENDS HER LOVE.
UH, ABOUT CAROL,
ARE WE OK HERE?
WELL,
NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT,
YEAH, WE'RE OK.
AREN'T WE OK?
I'M OK.
WELL, I'M OK.
OK.
THAT WAS FUN.
HERE.
IT'S OUR LEGACY FROM POP.
I GUESS ONE OF HIS
GET-RICH-QUICK SCHEMES
FINALLY PAID OFF, HUH?
YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS?
I'M VERY SERIOUS, JOE.
APPARENTLY, POP WAS LOADED.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT?
THE, UH, THE PHONE CALL.
WHAT PHONE CALL?
OH, DEAR.
YOU HAVE A LITTLE SIGN
ON THIS DRAWER THAT SAYS
"EMPTY."
LIKE, YOU CAN'T PULL IT OPEN
AND SEE THAT?
WHAT PHONE CALL?
I MEAN, YOU ACTUALLY
TOOK THE TIME TO LABEL IT?
THIS IS HEAVY.
DOES--DOES THE WORD "ANAL"
MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
AT THIS MOMENT
IT HAS A VERY SPECIAL MEANING.
THIS HURTS ME, JOE.
THIS REALLY HURTS ME.
THINK IT'LL LEAVE A MARK?
WHAT PHONE CALL?
HE CALLED ME A COUPLE
OF MONTHS BEFORE HE DIED
AND HE RAMBLED ON
ABOUT THIS AND THAT.
I DIDN'T PAY
MUCH ATTENTION TO HIM.
BUT I REMEMBER HIM
SAYING VERY DISTINCTLY
AT ONE POINT, "YOU'RE RICH."
HE SAID "YOU'RE RICH," JOE.
I DIDN'T THINK
MUCH OF IT UNTIL NOW.
I WOULDN'T
GET YOUR HOPES UP.
NOT THAT YOU WERE AROUND,
BUT DAD WAS GETTING
PRETTY STRANGE
THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS.
WHY? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
HE USED TO PUT ON AN APRON,
GO TO THE MARKET
AND DEMONSTRATE
CHEESE SPREAD.
A LOT OF PEOPLE DO THAT.
SURE, BUT USUALLY
THE MARKET HIRES THEM.
[exclaiming]
NO, JOEY, THIS IS IT.
PAYDAY. HERE WE GO.
YOU'RE SETTING YOURSELF UP
FOR A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT.
"O YE, OF LITTLE FAITH."
IT'S A KEY
I TOLD YOU
NOT TO GET YOUR HOPES UP.
TO A SAFE-DEPOSIT BOX
IN THE FIRST NATIONAL BANK
OF NANTUCKET.
WE'RE RICH!
WE'RE RICH!
(both)
WE'RE RICH!
GO WARM UP THE CAR.
I'VE GOT TO MAKE
A QUICK PHONE CALL.
WE'RE RICH!
BE THERE, BE THERE, BE THERE.
PLEASE. PLEASE, PLEASE.
OH, DAMN!
"WAIT FOR THE BEEP."
HI, CAROL, IT'S ME.
UH, LOOK,
I KNOW THE JUDGE TOLD ME
NOT TO BOTHER YOU ANYMORE.
ACTUALLY HE TOLD ME
NOT TO BOTHER HIM
ANYMORE, TOO.
BUT I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT IT LOOKS LIKE I'M ABOUT
TO COME INTO A FEW BUCKS
AND WHEN YOU'RE READY
TO COME BACK, THE DOOR'S OPEN.
I MISS YOU, CAROL,
AND, UH, I REALLY WANT YOU
TO KNOW THAT--
[dial tone droning]
GREAT. NOW HER MACHINE'S
HANGING UP ON ME.
THIS'LL KILL HIM.
STAND BACK, CLEAR THE DECK.
RICH GUYS COMING THROUGH.
(Helen)
WHAT DID YOU GET?
WELL, THIS WAS
IN THE SAFE-DEPOSIT BOX
BUT THERE WAS NO WAY
TO GET INSIDE IT.
HEY, LOWELL,
GIVE ME A SCREWDRIVER.
WELL, OK, BUT BE CAREFUL.
NOW, YOU'RE NOT ON ANY KIND
OF ANTIHISTAMINES, ARE YOU?
IT'S ANOTHER KEY.
I HOPE YOU DON'T
MIND ME SAYING THIS.
AND--AND I MEAN IT
IN THE NICEST POSSIBLE WAY.
BUT YOUR FATHER
WAS REALLY JERKING
YOU AROUND.
THIS ONE'S TO A POST OFFICE
BOX IN BOSTON.
WELL, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?
LET'S GO.
BRIAN, THIS IS STARTING
TO SEEM LIKE A WASTE OF TIME.
DON'T THROW THE TOWEL IN NOW.
YOU REMEMBER,
DAD SAID, "YOU'RE RICH."
WELL, I DO HAVE A FLIGHT
LEAVING FOR BOSTON IN
A FEW MINUTES.
THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
CAN'T GET
SIDETRACKED NOW AGAIN.
WE'VE GOT TO KEEP OUR EYES
ON THE PRIZE.
OH, MAJOR HOOTERS.
WE CAN'T LET THOSE...
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
MAJOR HOOTERS.
MAJOR BOB HOOTERS,
U.S. AIR FORCE,
AT YOUR SERVICE.
UH-OH, SCRAMBLE.
RED ALERT.
REST EASY TONIGHT,
LITTLE LADY.
OUR BOYS ARE IN THE AIR
AND SO ARE YOURS.
I HATE TO SAY
I TOLD YOU SO.
OH, DON'T START.
DON'T START.
I JUST SPENT 5 HOURS
TRAIPSING ALL OVER BOSTON
ON SOME WILD GOOSE CHASE
AND WHAT DO WE END UP WITH?
EXCUSE ME,
IS--IS THERE A PROBLEM?
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
JUST SIT BACK
AND ENJOY THE FLIGHT.
NANTUCKET TOWER,
THIS IS SANDPIPER 28.
FINAL APPROACH, FIX INCOMING.
(man)
SANDPIPER 28, NANTUCKET.
YOU'RE CLEAR TO LAND.
SANDPIPER 28, ROGER.
LOOK, THERE'S NO REASON
TO GET UPSET.
I WANT TO GET UPSET.
I LIKE TO GET UPSET!
GETTING UPSET
MAKES ME HAPPY!
YOU OUGHT TO TRY IT
SOMETIME.
YOU SURE
EVERYTHING'S OK?
OF COURSE.
LOOK, IT'S NOT LIKE
WE LOST ANYTHING.
WE HAVE A LOT TO BE
THANKFUL FOR.
AFTER ALL, WE'VE GOT--
JOE, IF YOU'RE GONNA SAY
WE'VE GOT OUR HEALTH,
I'M GONNA HAVE TO HURT YOU.
I WASN'T
GOING TO SAY THAT.
ALTHOUGH WE DO.
I WAS GOING TO SAY
WE'VE GOT OUR JOBS.
I'VE STILL GOT THE AIRLINE
AND YOU'RE STILL
FLYING CHARTER.
YOU DO STILL FLY FOR
THAT CHARTER COMPANY?
YOU DON'T, DO YOU?
YOU GOT CANNED.
EH, IT WAS A CRUMMY JOB
ANYWAY.
ACTUALLY,
I WAS KIND OF HOPING
YOU MIGHT NEED
AN EXTRA PILOT.
ARE YOU KIDDING? HIRE YOU?
I'D RATHER CRASH
THIS PLANE.
YOU NEED A JOB?
I'LL HIRE YOU.
HOW DO YOU DO IT, BRIAN?
HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO BLOW
EVERY SINGLE OPPORTUNITY
YOU'VE EVER HAD?
IT'S A GIFT.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SMART.
YOU GET
A FREE RIDE TO PRINCETON
AND WHAT DO YOU DO? YOU QUIT.
AND WHAT ABOUT NASA?
YOU'RE ONE OF THE YOUNGEST
PEOPLE EVER ACCEPTED
TO THE SPACE PROGRAM
AND YOU WASH OUT ON
THE 2ND DAY OF ORIENTATION.
YOU COULD HAVE
BEEN AN ASTRONAUT,
FOR GOD'S SAKE.
YEAH,
LIKE I'M SUPPOSED TO KNOW
YOU COULDN'T BRING DATES
INTO THE SHUTTLE SIMULATOR.
GOD, I WISH I HAD
THE ADVANTAGES THAT YOU HAD,
BUT SOMEONE HAD TO
HOLD DOWN THE FORT.
OH, NO. NO, YOU DON'T, JOE.
THEY'VE ALREADY DONE
THIS MOVIE.
REMEMBER THE ONE
WHERE POOR OLD JIMMY STEWART
HAS TO STAY HOME
AND SAVE THE BANK
WHILE HIS BROTHER GETS
TO GO OFF
AND DO THESE EXCITING THINGS?
REMEMBER THAT MOVIE, JOE?
YEAH.
IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE.
THAT'S RIGHT, JOE.
WELL, THIS ISN'T THE MOVIES
AND FROM WHERE I SIT,
JIMMY STEWART WAS A SAP.
(man)
SANDPIPER 28--
OH, GIVE US A SECOND,
WILL YOU?
HE COULD HAVE LEFT US
IF HE WANTED TO
AND SO COULD YOU,
BUT YOU DIDN'T.
YOU STAYED HOME
AND YOU TOOK CARE OF POP.
GOOD OLD ST. JOE.
NOW, STOP IT RIGHT THERE,
BRIAN.
EXCUSE ME.
SOLID CITIZEN JOE. HE ALWAYS
DOES THE RIGHT THING.
YOU KNOW, I BET YOU DON'T
EVEN TEAR THAT STUPID TAG
OFF THE MATTRESS.
IT SAYS, "DO NOT REMOVE."
I KNEW IT!
EXCUSE ME.
AND YOU KNOW
WHAT ELSE I THINK?
I THINK YOU USED POP
AS AN EXCUSE,
BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T
HAVE THE GUTS TO GO OUT
AND DO WHAT I DID.
WHAT?
FALL FLAT ON YOUR FACE?
AT LEAST, I WASN'T
AFRAID OF FAILING.
[laughs]
OBVIOUSLY NOT.
EXCUSE ME.
WHAT? FOR GOD'S SAKE?
WEREN'T WE SUPPOSED
TO LAND BACK THERE?
OH.
LOOK, I'M THE PILOT
AND I'LL DECIDE WHEN
TO LAND THIS AIRCRAFT.
OK, NOW!
[tires screeching]
OBNOXIOUS LITTLE TWERP.
TIGHT CONTROL FREAK NAZI.
YOU'VE BEEN
A BONE IN MY THROAT
SINCE THE DAY YOU WERE BORN.
I SHOULD HAVE SMOTHERED YOU
IN YOUR BABY BLANKET.
HEY!
WHAT THE HELL'S GOIN' ON?
I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT'S GOIN' ON.
THAT KEY OPENED UP
A SAFE-DEPOSIT BOX
WHICH HAD A KEY
FOR ANOTHER BANK
WHICH LED TO ANOTHER KEY
TO ANOTHER BANK
WHICH LED TO 2 BUS STATIONS,
A POST OFFICE, A TRAIN DEPOT,
AND A KENNEL.
AND YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHAT WE FOUND?
ANOTHER KEY.
AND YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHERE IT GOES?
I'LL TELL YOU WHERE IT GOES.
WE DON'T KNOW WHERE IT GOES!
THAT'S WHERE IT GOES!
COME ALL THE WAY BACK HERE
AND WHAT DO I END UP WITH?
NADA, ZIPPO, ZERO, ZILCH.
WITH NOTHING!
YOU'VE GOT CAROL.
OH, SO NOW WE GET TO IT,
HUH?
I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU WERE OVER THAT.
OVER YOU STEALING
THE LOVE OF MY LIFE FROM ME?
I DIDN'T STEAL HER.
SHE CAME AFTER ME.
OH, COME OFF IT.
CAROL DOESN'T HAVE
A DECEPTIVE BONE
IN HER BODY.
SHE'S KIND AND GOOD
AND HONEST.
AND YOU STOLE HER FROM ME,
AND IT HURTS.
IT HURTS BAD.
I DON'T THINK YOU
COULD EVER KNOW HOW MUCH.
SHE LEFT ME
FOR ANOTHER GUY.
SHE LEFT YOU, TOO?
YEAH.
THAT PIG.
OK, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.
BUT SHE WAS MY PIG.
WELL, AT LEAST THE OTHER GUY
WASN'T YOUR BROTHER.
YEAH, YEAH.
MY BROTHER WOULD NEVER
HAVE DONE THAT TO ME.
I KIND OF THOUGHT
IF POP LEFT US SOME MONEY,
SHE MIGHT WANT
TO COME BACK.
HEY, LISTEN, JOE.
NO MATTER
WHOSE FAULT IT WAS,
IF LOSING CAROL
MADE YOU FEEL THE WAY
I'VE FELT SINCE SHE'S LEFT,
THEN I'M--I'M REALLY,
REALLY SORRY.
[airplane whirring]
WELL, PLACES TO GO,
PEOPLE TO SEE.
BYE.
[clears throat]
GET ME ON THE NEXT FLIGHT
TO MOROCCO.
WE'VE GOT ONE GOING
TO HARTFORD RIGHT NOW.
CLOSE ENOUGH.
OFFERING THAT MAN
A JOB WITH MY AIRLINE
WOULD BE THE STUPIDEST THING
I COULD DO.
HE'S TOTALLY UNRELIABLE.
HE'D NEVER BE ON TIME.
HE'D DO NOTHING
BUT TRY MY PATIENCE.
UH-HUH.
SO, WHY ARE YOU
GOING TO DO IT?
I HAVEN'T
THE SLIGHTEST IDEA.
UH, BRIAN?
IF YOU'RE STILL INTERESTED
IN WORKING WITH ME,
I COULD ALWAYS USE
A GOOD PILOT.
HEY, UH, THANKS, JOE,
I APPRECIATE IT.
BUT I DON'T TAKE
JOBS OUT OF PITY.
TAKE IT EASY.
OH, AND DO YOURSELF
A FAVOR.
LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE.
I'LL TRY TO.
I DON'T WANT
TO END UP SITTING ON
HOWARD HUGHES' KLEENEX.
JOE HACKETT,
ONE OF THE WORLD'S
TRUE FUNNY MEN.
SEE YOU AROUND, BAGGY PANTS.
SAY, I RECOGNIZE THIS KEY.
IT OPENS ONE OF OUR LOCKERS.
OH, I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
HEY, LOWELL,
SEE IF THIS FITS NUMBER 5.
[clearing throat]
HANG ON, MOM.
THERE'S A SUITCASE IN HERE.
YOU WANT IT?
YES.
OK.
I'D LIKE IT DULY NOTED
THAT THIS SCRATCH WAS
ON THE SUITCASE.
(both)
LOWELL!
OK.
NOW, REMEMBER, BRIAN,
WHATEVER'S IN THIS SUITCASE,
WE SPLIT IN 2.
WHAT IF IT'S A PUPPY?
BRIAN,
IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY.
OH, OPEN IT ALREADY.
OK, YOU READY?
READY.
HERE WE GO.
[women screaming]
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
WELL, FOR ONE THING
IT MEANS POP'S FUNNIER
DEAD THAN YOU ARE ALIVE.
WAIT A MINUTE, THERE'S
SOMETHING ELSE IN HERE.
[exclaiming]
IT'S A PICTURE OF YOU AND ME
WHEN WE WERE KIDS.
SWIMMING AT GIBBS' POND.
LOOK, WE'RE TOGETHER
AND WE'RE BOTH SMILING.
I THINK IT'S THE LAST TIME
THAT HAPPENED.
HEY, UH, DAD WROTE
SOMETHING ON THE BACK.
"YOU'RE RICH."
SO, THIS WHOLE
WILD GOOSE CHASE...
I GUESS,
MAYBE DAD JUST WANTED US
TO SPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER.
YEAH,
I GUESS MAYBE DAD WASN'T
AS CRAZY AS WE THOUGHT, HUH?
(Roy)
ANNOUNCING FINAL BOARDING
FOR AEROMASS
FLIGHT 17 TO HARTFORD.
THAT MEANS YOU, HACKETT.
GIVE ME A MINUTE.
HEY, UH,
DO YOU MIND IF I KEEP THIS?
IT'S A GREAT PICTURE OF ME.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT?
BESIDES THOSE SWIMMING TRUNKS
UP AROUND YOUR ARMPITS?
IS THAT JOB OFFER
STILL GOOD?
MY SWIMMING TRUNKS?
WHAT ABOUT
THAT DOOFUS HAIRCUT?
YOU CAN START TOMORROW.
YEAH, GREAT.
[glasses clinking]
AND LOOK AT THOSE EARS.
THEY LOOK LIKE HUBCAPS.
[glasses clinking]
WHAT IS THAT BIG ROUND THING
IN THE WATER?
HOW DID A WHALE
GET IN GIBBS' POND?
A WHALE?
GOOD LORD, THAT'S ME!
GIVE ME THAT.
GOD, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
(Lowell)
THANK YOU.
OH, HI, LOWELL.
I WAS JUST TALKING
TO THE PLANE.
UH-HUH.
SEE, PILOTS FEEL SORT OF
SPECIAL ABOUT THEIR PLANES.
[chuckles]
INCREDIBLE.
[airplane whirring]
I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY,
BUT IF YOU PUT YOUR HANDS
LIKE SO,
YOU CAN ALMOST FEEL HER
PUSHING EVER SO SLIGHTLY
UPWARD.
LIKE SHE'S STRAINING
TO GET IN THE AIR.
CAN'T SAY I BLAME HER.
WHEN YOU'RE UP THERE
AND YOU'RE LOOKING DOWN,
EVERYTHING SORTA
MAKES SENSE.
WELL, NOT IN
AN INTELLECTUAL WAY,
BUT KINDA SPIRITUALLY.
IT NEVER FAILS.
EVERY TIME I FLY,
I COME BACK
A LITTLE SURER THERE'S A GOD.
I GO DOWN TO THE DUMP
AND SHOOT RATS.
THEN YOU DO UNDERSTAND.
[seagulls cawing]
ANNOUNCING THE ARRIVAL
OF SANDPIPER AIR FLIGHT 26,
NONSTOP SERVICE
FROM BOSTON
TO OUR LOVELY ISLAND
OF NANTUCKET.
UH, FOR THOSE OF YOU
GOING OUT TO GREET
ARRIVING PASSENGERS,
WE'VE LEARNED,
DUE TO ONE PARTICULARLY
NASTY INCIDENT,
THAT IT'S BEST TO WAIT
FOR THE PROPELLERS TO COME
TO A COMPLETE STOP.
THANKS FOR FLYING
SANDPIPER AIR.
HI, FAY.
HI, JOE.
HOW MUCH TIME DO I HAVE
TILL THE NEXT FLIGHT?
WELL, IT'S YOUR AIRLINE, JOE.
YOU CAN LEAVE ANYTIME.
UH, BUT THE SCHEDULE
SAYS 7 MINUTES.
YOU'VE GOT 6 PASSENGERS
AND A CRATE OF LOBSTERS THAT
HAVE TO BE DELIVERED ALIVE.
THE LOBSTERS,
NOT THE PEOPLE.
ALTHOUGH I'M SURE
THE PEOPLE WOULD
APPRECIATE IT, TOO.
WELL, YEAH, I HAVEN'T
LOST ONE YET. LOAD THEM UP.
I'M GONNA GRAB
A QUICK BITE.
(Roy)
HEY, HACKETT.
WHAT, ROY?
THEY DELIVERED THIS
TO MY AIRLINE BY MISTAKE.
OH, THANKS.
IT'S FROM SOME LAWYERS.
WHAT DID YOU DO WRONG?
I DIDN'T DO
ANYTHING WRONG.
THE HELL YOU DIDN'T!
YOU PARKED SO CLOSE
TO MY EL CAMINO LAST NIGHT
I HAD TO CRAWL IN
ON THE PASSENGER SIDE.
THAT GEAR SHIFT
AND I HAD A MOMENT
I'LL NEVER FORGET.
HEY, ROY,
WHEN DID YOU GET THIS?
I DON'T KNOW,
IT WAS LAST WEEK SOME TIME.
LOOK, UNLIKE YOU, HACKETT,
I'M RUNNING A BIG OPERATION
HERE.
CHECK THE TARMAC, BUDDY.
I'VE GOT 6 PLANES,
YOU GOT ONE.
I DON'T HAVE TIME
TO PLAY POST OFFICE.
DAMN IT, ROY,
THIS COULD BE IMPORTANT.
[laughing]
RIGHT, HACKETT, RIGHT.
THE DAY YOU GET
AN IMPORTANT PIECE OF MAIL,
I'LL KISS YOUR BEHIND
IN THE TOWN SQUARE
AT HIGH NOON.
GIVEN UP ON THOSE
DIAL-A-DATES, ROY?
HI, HELEN,
I'D LIKE A B.L.T.
4 SLICES OF BACON,
EXTRA CRISP.
WHOLE WHEAT, LIGHTLY TOASTED.
MUSTARD ON TOP,
MAYONNAISE ON THE BOTTOM
AND 2 PICKLES ON THE SIDE.
HOW DID YOU KNOW
I WAS GONNA ORDER THAT?
IT'S TUESDAY.
YOU ALWAYS ORDER THAT
ON TUESDAY.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
TODAY HAPPENS TO BE...
WELL, THIS LOOKS GOOD.
WHOA.
(Helen)
WHAT YOU GOT?
IT'S A LETTER FROM THE LAWYER
WHO HANDLED THINGS
WHEN MY DAD DIED.
HE WAS INSTRUCTED
TO SEND THIS PACKAGE TO ME
WHEN THE ESTATE
WAS FINALLY SETTLED.
WELL, OPEN IT.
WELL, THERE'S A CATCH.
THIS LETTER SAYS,
I'M ONLY SUPPOSED
TO OPEN IT WITH MY BROTHER.
WELL, THAT'S THAT.
WHAT?
WELL, I KNOW
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CALL HIM.
YOU HAVEN'T TALKED
TO YOUR BROTHER FOR 6 YEARS.
THAT IS A LONG TIME
TO HOLD A GRUDGE.
WELL, NOT FOR YOU,
BUT MAYBE
FOR THE AVERAGE PERSON.
I DO NOT HOLD A GRUDGE.
YOU'VE ALWAYS
SAID THAT ABOUT ME.
EVER SINCE WE WERE KIDS.
AND QUITE FRANKLY,
I'VE ALWAYS RESENTED IT.
[phone ringing]
I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME
THAT YOU GOT OVER THE FACT
THAT CAROL THE PIG DUMPED YOU
AND MARRIED YOUR BROTHER.
CAROL IS NOT A PIG.
AND I AM OVER IT.
I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU HAD A BROTHER, JOE.
WELL, HE'S NOT
SO MUCH A BROTHER
AS HE IS A PIECE OF POPCORN
STUCK BETWEEN MY TEETH
FOR THE LAST 28 YEARS.
WE'RE NOT VERY CLOSE.
I WENT MY WAY
AND BRIAN WENT HIS.
WITH A PIG.
STOP SAYING THAT.
I WILL
IF YOU CALL HIM.
NO WAY.
ALL RIGHT, HOW OLD WAS I
WHEN I MOVED OUT HERE
FROM TEXAS?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT, 10. WHY?
OK. I THINK WE'VE BEEN
FRIENDS LONG ENOUGH
THAT I CAN SAY TO YOU
JUST BETWEEN THE TWO OF US,
CALL YOUR BROTHER, BUTTHEAD.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL CALL HIM.
GOOD.
(Fay)
GOOD FOR YOU, JOE.
IT'S NOT IMPORTANT WHETHER
YOUR BROTHER MARRIED A PIG
OR DIDN'T MARRY A PIG.
SHE IS NOT A PIG.
WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS THAT
YOU SHOULD HONOR
YOUR FATHER'S LAST WORDS.
WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M NOT
HONORING HIS LAST WORDS.
I'M HONORING
HIS LAST WISHES.
HIS LAST WORDS WERE,
"SIT ON MY LAP, EYDIE."
HE THOUGHT
I WAS EYDIE GORME.
I DON'T KNOW.
I GAVE IT A SHOT
AND I'M HERE
TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
DEBORAH NORVILLE DOESN'T HAVE
THE HUMANITY JANE PAULEY HAD.
SHE'S GONE, ROY.
SHE'S GONE.
WE GO THROUGH THIS
EVERY DAY.
JANE HAD 13 GOOD YEARS.
BUT NOW, SHE'S GONE.
NOW, GET OVER IT.
I KNOW THAT UP HERE.
DOGGONE IT.
BUT HOW DO YOU FILL
THE VOID IN HERE?
HOW ABOUT A JELLY DOUGHNUT?
JANE WHO?
OH.
EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.
HI, I'M LOOKING FOR THE OWNER
OF AEROMASS AIRLINES.
I'VE GOT TO SHAKE HIS HAND.
OH, THAT'D BE ME.
ROY BIGGINS.
HI.
AND YOU ARE, UH...
UH, CALL ME BRIAN.
BRIAN, RIGHT.
I JUST CAME OFF
ONE OF YOUR FLIGHTS
AND SIR,
YOU ARE A GENIUS.
I AM?
OH, YOU BETCHA.
I MEAN, I'VE HEARD OF SOME
CREATIVE COST-CUTTING
MEASURES BEFORE,
BUT GETTING RID
OF THE LIFE JACKETS,
IT'S INSPIRED.
SURE, TELL THEM
THEY'RE UNDER THE SEATS
BUT NOBODY EVER CHECKS.
SO WHY HAVE 'EM?
THEY ARE TOO
UNDER THE SEATS.
OH, SURE THEY ARE.
SURE THEY ARE.
OH, AND GETTING A PILOT
FRESH OUT OF FLIGHT SCHOOL
MUST HAVE SAVED YOU
SOME SERIOUS COIN, HUH?
NICE KID, TOO.
HAD A COUPLE OF DRINKS
WITH HIM BEFORE THE FLIGHT.
IT'S TOO BAD ABOUT THAT
EYE OPERATION THOUGH.
BUT LIKE HE SAID,
HOW OFTEN DO YOU HAVE
TO LOOK LEFT ANYWAY?
FOLKS, FOLKS,
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
I SEE YOU'VE MANAGED
TO SLIP IN UNNOTICED.
JOEY!
DO YOU KNOW THIS GUY?
I'M AFRAID SO.
HE'S MY BROTHER.
ROY BIGGINS,
BRIAN HACKETT.
PLEASURE.
HEY, SANSABELT SLACKS.
BOY, YOU MISS ONE ISSUE
OF G.Q.
AND THE FASHION WORLD
JUST PASSES YOU BY.
KEEP THIS GUY AWAY
FROM ME.
FOLKS, FOLKS...
OH, BEEN TOO LONG, JOE.
YEAH.
YEAH.
SO, HOW YOU BEEN?
FINE, BRIAN. AND YOU?
"FINE, BRIAN. AND YOU?
FINE, BRIAN. AND YOU?"
PLEASE, JOE.
TOO MUCH WARMTH.
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.
UH, THIS PLACE NEVER CHANGES.
YOU, UH,
YOU LOOK A LITTLE TIRED.
OH, NO, I'M FINE.
HEY, I KNOW YOU, JOE.
YOU'RE THE BEST PILOT AROUND
BUT YOU'RE DOING TOO MUCH.
YOU'RE RUNNING THE OFFICE,
YOU'RE FLYING THE PLANES.
YOU KEEP THIS PACE UP,
YOU'RE GONNA END UP
LIKE HOWARD HUGHES.
LOCKED IN A HOTEL ROOM,
SITTING ON KLEENEX,
SUCKING APPLE SAUCE
THROUGH A STRAW.
AIN'T THAT SOMETHIN'?
ALL THAT MONEY
AND HIS HOBBIES
ARE THE SAME AS MINE.
REALLY?
HE ALSO USED TO COLLECT
TOENAIL CLIPPINGS
AND KEEP THEM
IN A MASON JAR.
THIS IS UNCANNY.
WHO'S THAT?
THAT'S LOWELL MATHER.
HE'S SORT OF A
JACK-OF-ALL-TRADES
AROUND HERE.
HIS FAMILY HAS
LIVED ON THE ISLAND
FOR 5 GENERATIONS.
AH!
PROBABLY IN THE SAME ROOM.
WELL, SHALL WE GET DOWN
TO BUSINESS AND FIND OUT
WHAT POP LEFT US?
(Helen)
HEY, BRIAN!
HELEN? HELEN CHAPEL?
OH, MY GOD!
YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
YOU'VE LOST
A LOT OF WEIGHT.
OH, I HAVE NOT.
MAYBE A POUND OR 2 OR 60.
HEY.
COME ON, BRIAN.
HELEN'S BUSY.
NO, IT'S OK.
WELL, YOU'RE LOOKING
PRETTY GOOD YOURSELF.
WHAT'VE YOU BEEN DOING?
UH, I'M DOWN IN
THE CARIBBEAN
FLYING CHARTER
FOR THE RICH AND FAMOUS.
HMM.
BUSINESS IS PICKIN' UP.
ALTHOUGH THE NORIEGA
SPRING BARBECUE
LOOKS A LITTLE IFFY.
SO WHAT ARE YOU
STILL DOING HERE?
I THOUGHT THAT CELLO OF YOURS
WAS GOING TO GET YOU OFF
THIS ROCK.
ONE DAY IT WILL.
I PRACTICE ALL THE TIME.
I GO TO MY AUDITIONS.
YOU KNOW, IN THE MEANTIME,
I'M HERE.
BRIAN, NOW.
[phone ringing]
HEY, JOEY, UH,
ARE YOU AND HELEN,
MMM, YOU KNOW?
OF COURSE NOT.
WE'RE FRIENDS.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
LOOK AT THAT BODY.
BRIAN, HOW CAN YOU
THINK OF HER THAT WAY?
SHE'S PRACTICALLY FAMILY.
SHE'S LIKE
A BABY SISTER.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I THINK IT'S TIME I GAVE
THAT LITTLE TYKE A BATH.
OH, SAME OLD JOE,
NEAT AS A PIN.
EVERYTHING AT RIGHT ANGLES.
IT'S CALLED HAVING
YOUR LIFE IN ORDER.
YOU OUGHT
TO TRY IT SOMETIME.
SO, HOW'S CAROL?
FINE, FINE.
SENDS HER LOVE.
UH, ABOUT CAROL,
ARE WE OK HERE?
WELL,
NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT,
YEAH, WE'RE OK.
AREN'T WE OK?
I'M OK.
WELL, I'M OK.
OK.
THAT WAS FUN.
HERE.
IT'S OUR LEGACY FROM POP.
I GUESS ONE OF HIS
GET-RICH-QUICK SCHEMES
FINALLY PAID OFF, HUH?
YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS?
I'M VERY SERIOUS, JOE.
APPARENTLY, POP WAS LOADED.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT?
THE, UH, THE PHONE CALL.
WHAT PHONE CALL?
OH, DEAR.
YOU HAVE A LITTLE SIGN
ON THIS DRAWER THAT SAYS
"EMPTY."
LIKE, YOU CAN'T PULL IT OPEN
AND SEE THAT?
WHAT PHONE CALL?
I MEAN, YOU ACTUALLY
TOOK THE TIME TO LABEL IT?
THIS IS HEAVY.
DOES--DOES THE WORD "ANAL"
MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
AT THIS MOMENT
IT HAS A VERY SPECIAL MEANING.
THIS HURTS ME, JOE.
THIS REALLY HURTS ME.
THINK IT'LL LEAVE A MARK?
WHAT PHONE CALL?
HE CALLED ME A COUPLE
OF MONTHS BEFORE HE DIED
AND HE RAMBLED ON
ABOUT THIS AND THAT.
I DIDN'T PAY
MUCH ATTENTION TO HIM.
BUT I REMEMBER HIM
SAYING VERY DISTINCTLY
AT ONE POINT, "YOU'RE RICH."
HE SAID "YOU'RE RICH," JOE.
I DIDN'T THINK
MUCH OF IT UNTIL NOW.
I WOULDN'T
GET YOUR HOPES UP.
NOT THAT YOU WERE AROUND,
BUT DAD WAS GETTING
PRETTY STRANGE
THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS.
WHY? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
HE USED TO PUT ON AN APRON,
GO TO THE MARKET
AND DEMONSTRATE
CHEESE SPREAD.
A LOT OF PEOPLE DO THAT.
SURE, BUT USUALLY
THE MARKET HIRES THEM.
[exclaiming]
NO, JOEY, THIS IS IT.
PAYDAY. HERE WE GO.
YOU'RE SETTING YOURSELF UP
FOR A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT.
"O YE, OF LITTLE FAITH."
IT'S A KEY
I TOLD YOU
NOT TO GET YOUR HOPES UP.
TO A SAFE-DEPOSIT BOX
IN THE FIRST NATIONAL BANK
OF NANTUCKET.
WE'RE RICH!
WE'RE RICH!
(both)
WE'RE RICH!
GO WARM UP THE CAR.
I'VE GOT TO MAKE
A QUICK PHONE CALL.
WE'RE RICH!
BE THERE, BE THERE, BE THERE.
PLEASE. PLEASE, PLEASE.
OH, DAMN!
"WAIT FOR THE BEEP."
HI, CAROL, IT'S ME.
UH, LOOK,
I KNOW THE JUDGE TOLD ME
NOT TO BOTHER YOU ANYMORE.
ACTUALLY HE TOLD ME
NOT TO BOTHER HIM
ANYMORE, TOO.
BUT I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT IT LOOKS LIKE I'M ABOUT
TO COME INTO A FEW BUCKS
AND WHEN YOU'RE READY
TO COME BACK, THE DOOR'S OPEN.
I MISS YOU, CAROL,
AND, UH, I REALLY WANT YOU
TO KNOW THAT--
[dial tone droning]
GREAT. NOW HER MACHINE'S
HANGING UP ON ME.
THIS'LL KILL HIM.
STAND BACK, CLEAR THE DECK.
RICH GUYS COMING THROUGH.
(Helen)
WHAT DID YOU GET?
WELL, THIS WAS
IN THE SAFE-DEPOSIT BOX
BUT THERE WAS NO WAY
TO GET INSIDE IT.
HEY, LOWELL,
GIVE ME A SCREWDRIVER.
WELL, OK, BUT BE CAREFUL.
NOW, YOU'RE NOT ON ANY KIND
OF ANTIHISTAMINES, ARE YOU?
IT'S ANOTHER KEY.
I HOPE YOU DON'T
MIND ME SAYING THIS.
AND--AND I MEAN IT
IN THE NICEST POSSIBLE WAY.
BUT YOUR FATHER
WAS REALLY JERKING
YOU AROUND.
THIS ONE'S TO A POST OFFICE
BOX IN BOSTON.
WELL, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?
LET'S GO.
BRIAN, THIS IS STARTING
TO SEEM LIKE A WASTE OF TIME.
DON'T THROW THE TOWEL IN NOW.
YOU REMEMBER,
DAD SAID, "YOU'RE RICH."
WELL, I DO HAVE A FLIGHT
LEAVING FOR BOSTON IN
A FEW MINUTES.
THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
CAN'T GET
SIDETRACKED NOW AGAIN.
WE'VE GOT TO KEEP OUR EYES
ON THE PRIZE.
OH, MAJOR HOOTERS.
WE CAN'T LET THOSE...
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
MAJOR HOOTERS.
MAJOR BOB HOOTERS,
U.S. AIR FORCE,
AT YOUR SERVICE.
UH-OH, SCRAMBLE.
RED ALERT.
REST EASY TONIGHT,
LITTLE LADY.
OUR BOYS ARE IN THE AIR
AND SO ARE YOURS.
I HATE TO SAY
I TOLD YOU SO.
OH, DON'T START.
DON'T START.
I JUST SPENT 5 HOURS
TRAIPSING ALL OVER BOSTON
ON SOME WILD GOOSE CHASE
AND WHAT DO WE END UP WITH?
EXCUSE ME,
IS--IS THERE A PROBLEM?
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
JUST SIT BACK
AND ENJOY THE FLIGHT.
NANTUCKET TOWER,
THIS IS SANDPIPER 28.
FINAL APPROACH, FIX INCOMING.
(man)
SANDPIPER 28, NANTUCKET.
YOU'RE CLEAR TO LAND.
SANDPIPER 28, ROGER.
LOOK, THERE'S NO REASON
TO GET UPSET.
I WANT TO GET UPSET.
I LIKE TO GET UPSET!
GETTING UPSET
MAKES ME HAPPY!
YOU OUGHT TO TRY IT
SOMETIME.
YOU SURE
EVERYTHING'S OK?
OF COURSE.
LOOK, IT'S NOT LIKE
WE LOST ANYTHING.
WE HAVE A LOT TO BE
THANKFUL FOR.
AFTER ALL, WE'VE GOT--
JOE, IF YOU'RE GONNA SAY
WE'VE GOT OUR HEALTH,
I'M GONNA HAVE TO HURT YOU.
I WASN'T
GOING TO SAY THAT.
ALTHOUGH WE DO.
I WAS GOING TO SAY
WE'VE GOT OUR JOBS.
I'VE STILL GOT THE AIRLINE
AND YOU'RE STILL
FLYING CHARTER.
YOU DO STILL FLY FOR
THAT CHARTER COMPANY?
YOU DON'T, DO YOU?
YOU GOT CANNED.
EH, IT WAS A CRUMMY JOB
ANYWAY.
ACTUALLY,
I WAS KIND OF HOPING
YOU MIGHT NEED
AN EXTRA PILOT.
ARE YOU KIDDING? HIRE YOU?
I'D RATHER CRASH
THIS PLANE.
YOU NEED A JOB?
I'LL HIRE YOU.
HOW DO YOU DO IT, BRIAN?
HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO BLOW
EVERY SINGLE OPPORTUNITY
YOU'VE EVER HAD?
IT'S A GIFT.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SMART.
YOU GET
A FREE RIDE TO PRINCETON
AND WHAT DO YOU DO? YOU QUIT.
AND WHAT ABOUT NASA?
YOU'RE ONE OF THE YOUNGEST
PEOPLE EVER ACCEPTED
TO THE SPACE PROGRAM
AND YOU WASH OUT ON
THE 2ND DAY OF ORIENTATION.
YOU COULD HAVE
BEEN AN ASTRONAUT,
FOR GOD'S SAKE.
YEAH,
LIKE I'M SUPPOSED TO KNOW
YOU COULDN'T BRING DATES
INTO THE SHUTTLE SIMULATOR.
GOD, I WISH I HAD
THE ADVANTAGES THAT YOU HAD,
BUT SOMEONE HAD TO
HOLD DOWN THE FORT.
OH, NO. NO, YOU DON'T, JOE.
THEY'VE ALREADY DONE
THIS MOVIE.
REMEMBER THE ONE
WHERE POOR OLD JIMMY STEWART
HAS TO STAY HOME
AND SAVE THE BANK
WHILE HIS BROTHER GETS
TO GO OFF
AND DO THESE EXCITING THINGS?
REMEMBER THAT MOVIE, JOE?
YEAH.
IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE.
THAT'S RIGHT, JOE.
WELL, THIS ISN'T THE MOVIES
AND FROM WHERE I SIT,
JIMMY STEWART WAS A SAP.
(man)
SANDPIPER 28--
OH, GIVE US A SECOND,
WILL YOU?
HE COULD HAVE LEFT US
IF HE WANTED TO
AND SO COULD YOU,
BUT YOU DIDN'T.
YOU STAYED HOME
AND YOU TOOK CARE OF POP.
GOOD OLD ST. JOE.
NOW, STOP IT RIGHT THERE,
BRIAN.
EXCUSE ME.
SOLID CITIZEN JOE. HE ALWAYS
DOES THE RIGHT THING.
YOU KNOW, I BET YOU DON'T
EVEN TEAR THAT STUPID TAG
OFF THE MATTRESS.
IT SAYS, "DO NOT REMOVE."
I KNEW IT!
EXCUSE ME.
AND YOU KNOW
WHAT ELSE I THINK?
I THINK YOU USED POP
AS AN EXCUSE,
BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T
HAVE THE GUTS TO GO OUT
AND DO WHAT I DID.
WHAT?
FALL FLAT ON YOUR FACE?
AT LEAST, I WASN'T
AFRAID OF FAILING.
[laughs]
OBVIOUSLY NOT.
EXCUSE ME.
WHAT? FOR GOD'S SAKE?
WEREN'T WE SUPPOSED
TO LAND BACK THERE?
OH.
LOOK, I'M THE PILOT
AND I'LL DECIDE WHEN
TO LAND THIS AIRCRAFT.
OK, NOW!
[tires screeching]
OBNOXIOUS LITTLE TWERP.
TIGHT CONTROL FREAK NAZI.
YOU'VE BEEN
A BONE IN MY THROAT
SINCE THE DAY YOU WERE BORN.
I SHOULD HAVE SMOTHERED YOU
IN YOUR BABY BLANKET.
HEY!
WHAT THE HELL'S GOIN' ON?
I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT'S GOIN' ON.
THAT KEY OPENED UP
A SAFE-DEPOSIT BOX
WHICH HAD A KEY
FOR ANOTHER BANK
WHICH LED TO ANOTHER KEY
TO ANOTHER BANK
WHICH LED TO 2 BUS STATIONS,
A POST OFFICE, A TRAIN DEPOT,
AND A KENNEL.
AND YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHAT WE FOUND?
ANOTHER KEY.
AND YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHERE IT GOES?
I'LL TELL YOU WHERE IT GOES.
WE DON'T KNOW WHERE IT GOES!
THAT'S WHERE IT GOES!
COME ALL THE WAY BACK HERE
AND WHAT DO I END UP WITH?
NADA, ZIPPO, ZERO, ZILCH.
WITH NOTHING!
YOU'VE GOT CAROL.
OH, SO NOW WE GET TO IT,
HUH?
I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU WERE OVER THAT.
OVER YOU STEALING
THE LOVE OF MY LIFE FROM ME?
I DIDN'T STEAL HER.
SHE CAME AFTER ME.
OH, COME OFF IT.
CAROL DOESN'T HAVE
A DECEPTIVE BONE
IN HER BODY.
SHE'S KIND AND GOOD
AND HONEST.
AND YOU STOLE HER FROM ME,
AND IT HURTS.
IT HURTS BAD.
I DON'T THINK YOU
COULD EVER KNOW HOW MUCH.
SHE LEFT ME
FOR ANOTHER GUY.
SHE LEFT YOU, TOO?
YEAH.
THAT PIG.
OK, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.
BUT SHE WAS MY PIG.
WELL, AT LEAST THE OTHER GUY
WASN'T YOUR BROTHER.
YEAH, YEAH.
MY BROTHER WOULD NEVER
HAVE DONE THAT TO ME.
I KIND OF THOUGHT
IF POP LEFT US SOME MONEY,
SHE MIGHT WANT
TO COME BACK.
HEY, LISTEN, JOE.
NO MATTER
WHOSE FAULT IT WAS,
IF LOSING CAROL
MADE YOU FEEL THE WAY
I'VE FELT SINCE SHE'S LEFT,
THEN I'M--I'M REALLY,
REALLY SORRY.
[airplane whirring]
WELL, PLACES TO GO,
PEOPLE TO SEE.
BYE.
[clears throat]
GET ME ON THE NEXT FLIGHT
TO MOROCCO.
WE'VE GOT ONE GOING
TO HARTFORD RIGHT NOW.
CLOSE ENOUGH.
OFFERING THAT MAN
A JOB WITH MY AIRLINE
WOULD BE THE STUPIDEST THING
I COULD DO.
HE'S TOTALLY UNRELIABLE.
HE'D NEVER BE ON TIME.
HE'D DO NOTHING
BUT TRY MY PATIENCE.
UH-HUH.
SO, WHY ARE YOU
GOING TO DO IT?
I HAVEN'T
THE SLIGHTEST IDEA.
UH, BRIAN?
IF YOU'RE STILL INTERESTED
IN WORKING WITH ME,
I COULD ALWAYS USE
A GOOD PILOT.
HEY, UH, THANKS, JOE,
I APPRECIATE IT.
BUT I DON'T TAKE
JOBS OUT OF PITY.
TAKE IT EASY.
OH, AND DO YOURSELF
A FAVOR.
LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE.
I'LL TRY TO.
I DON'T WANT
TO END UP SITTING ON
HOWARD HUGHES' KLEENEX.
JOE HACKETT,
ONE OF THE WORLD'S
TRUE FUNNY MEN.
SEE YOU AROUND, BAGGY PANTS.
SAY, I RECOGNIZE THIS KEY.
IT OPENS ONE OF OUR LOCKERS.
OH, I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
HEY, LOWELL,
SEE IF THIS FITS NUMBER 5.
[clearing throat]
HANG ON, MOM.
THERE'S A SUITCASE IN HERE.
YOU WANT IT?
YES.
OK.
I'D LIKE IT DULY NOTED
THAT THIS SCRATCH WAS
ON THE SUITCASE.
(both)
LOWELL!
OK.
NOW, REMEMBER, BRIAN,
WHATEVER'S IN THIS SUITCASE,
WE SPLIT IN 2.
WHAT IF IT'S A PUPPY?
BRIAN,
IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY.
OH, OPEN IT ALREADY.
OK, YOU READY?
READY.
HERE WE GO.
[women screaming]
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
WELL, FOR ONE THING
IT MEANS POP'S FUNNIER
DEAD THAN YOU ARE ALIVE.
WAIT A MINUTE, THERE'S
SOMETHING ELSE IN HERE.
[exclaiming]
IT'S A PICTURE OF YOU AND ME
WHEN WE WERE KIDS.
SWIMMING AT GIBBS' POND.
LOOK, WE'RE TOGETHER
AND WE'RE BOTH SMILING.
I THINK IT'S THE LAST TIME
THAT HAPPENED.
HEY, UH, DAD WROTE
SOMETHING ON THE BACK.
"YOU'RE RICH."
SO, THIS WHOLE
WILD GOOSE CHASE...
I GUESS,
MAYBE DAD JUST WANTED US
TO SPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER.
YEAH,
I GUESS MAYBE DAD WASN'T
AS CRAZY AS WE THOUGHT, HUH?
(Roy)
ANNOUNCING FINAL BOARDING
FOR AEROMASS
FLIGHT 17 TO HARTFORD.
THAT MEANS YOU, HACKETT.
GIVE ME A MINUTE.
HEY, UH,
DO YOU MIND IF I KEEP THIS?
IT'S A GREAT PICTURE OF ME.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT?
BESIDES THOSE SWIMMING TRUNKS
UP AROUND YOUR ARMPITS?
IS THAT JOB OFFER
STILL GOOD?
MY SWIMMING TRUNKS?
WHAT ABOUT
THAT DOOFUS HAIRCUT?
YOU CAN START TOMORROW.
YEAH, GREAT.
[glasses clinking]
AND LOOK AT THOSE EARS.
THEY LOOK LIKE HUBCAPS.
[glasses clinking]
WHAT IS THAT BIG ROUND THING
IN THE WATER?
HOW DID A WHALE
GET IN GIBBS' POND?
A WHALE?
GOOD LORD, THAT'S ME!
GIVE ME THAT.