Will & Grace (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 9 - Bi-Plane - full transcript

"Will & Grace" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

I cannot wait to see Fiona.

I just love that
she shares her life with me.

- I'm the cool aunt.
- Same thing with my nephews.

What is it about us?

I'm not saying we're better
than other people...

- No, of course not.
- Safe space?

- Safe space.
- I think we're better than other people.

We are gonna be the coolest parents.

- [LAUGHS]
- Hey, hos.



Hey.

We're on our way to the airport.

Estefan's flying me first class to Miami

for our one-year anniversary.

Sorry, our "one-queer-maniversary."

Did you just think of that?

Oh, that mind.

If they were all like you,
I'd stop throwing marbles

at the Pride Parade.

What is the traditional
one-queer-maniversary gift

by the way?

- A mesh bodysuit?
- Buttless chaps?

A pump-top jug of lube? [CHUCKLES]

It's paper.



Uh, Karen, you're...

And forgive me for using the "C word"...

Flying commercial?

Well, I'm in the baseball business now.

I'm one of the people.

I'm scouting a new third baseman.

He's coming in from Cuba, and he's due

to walk out of the ocean
first thing tomorrow morning.

[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC]

[BELL CHIMES]

We're not in the first row?

That's okay, I'll just yell louder

when I need Pilot to go left or right.

Oh, no, we're further back.

Row three?

Where Melania puts Tiffany?

[SIGHS]

Well, I survived missionary with Stanley.

I can survive this.

- Just follow me.
- What are you doing?

Where are you going?

There's nothing behind that curtain!

It's just sky!

We're in coach.

With the paychecks-to-paychecks?

♪ ♪

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Auntie Grace!
- [BOTH SCREAMING]

Oh, Fiona!

Oh, you're so pretty.

My mom sends her love, by the way.

She did?

No, but if she was able
to love, I know she would.

- [LAUGHS]
- Hey, Will.

Hey, sweetie. [BOTH GRUNT]

I'm so excited
for you guys to meet Trevor.

Trev?

I'm gonna say hello,

and we're gonna have hugs
and love and talk,

but first, I have to share
some devastating news.

- What's... what's wrong?
- Brace yourself.

Previews for the
"Devil Wears Prada" musical

are totally sold out
in Chicago and Atlanta.

You don't think I've
already bought the tickets,

T-shirts, and the shot glass?

You, madam, have just won a Tony

for best revival of my spirit.

- Mini Will and Grace.
- I don't see it.

Trevor.

Oh, really glad to finally meet you,

and please call me Aunt Grace.

- Love this blue.
- Oh.

It's not just blue. It's not turquoise.

It's not lapis.

BOTH: It's actually cerulean!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

There's some overlap, yeah.

Shall I ring you if
the contents of my compartment

shift during flight?

Oh, of course, my handsome
first class passenger.

It would be my pleasure
to help you adjust your bag.

Oh... [BOTH LAUGH]

[BELL CHIMES]

That's my husband.

It's our one-year anniversary.

Oh, congratulations!

- So far, so good?
- Oh, so good.

Oh.

I always thought
being married would make me

feel like a badger in a trap

that wants to bite
his own foot off, you know?

I been married 20 years.
Never once strayed.

Of course, if Sofia Vergara
walked on the plane...

I don't follow.

Mm, number one on my hall pass list.

You know, celebrities
you're allowed to cheat with.

The gay brethren have that too.

You'll never guess
who's number one on my list.

[WHISPERS] It's Ryan Phillipe.

Oh, my God, that's right.

How in the world did you
guess that on the first try?

Excuse me, I'm in the window seat.

Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Ryan can do it all.

I mean, blockbusters, Oscar-winners.

Iconic gay cult favorite.

Oh, his tush in "Cruel Intentions"

was my '90s crack addiction. [LAUGHS]

This guy knows
what I'm talking about, right?

♪ ♪

- You seeing anyone?
- I am.

Well, now I'm intrigued.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Who, pray tell,

might this "stealer of hearts" be?

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Why,
Trevor Banks, don't you know?

It's you, good sir!

[ALL LAUGH]

No, really, we're dating.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh!

That's why we're in New York:

we're looking for a place together.

Now they seem like us.

I just assumed from what Fiona told me...

You thought I was gay. Everyone does.

I'm not... I mean, I sleep with men,

but I also sleep with women.

He's bi.

Oh!

That's so cool!

Isn't that cool, Will? Trevor's bi!

Yeah, yeah.

♪ ♪

[SNORING]

[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT OVER PA]

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

I'm sorry if I bumped your arm.

Sometimes when I'm reading a script,

I lose track of my physical body.

I can keep track of it for you.

[MOUTHING]

Don't you think
it's distractingly hot in here?

I don't, but Glenn Close
taught me how to regulate

my surface body temperature
through controlled breathing.

I'm always a perfect 72 degrees.

Like a human San Diego.

Funny, I've been told
I'm a human San Francisco.

They're dating?

Oh, bisexuality isn't even a thing.

It's like saying, "I'm a cat person

and a dog person."

Come on.

Gun to your head, you know what you want

licking your face.

- Do we say something?
- I can't.

I'm the cool aunt.

Well, that explains the outfit.

What? It's cool.

Yeah, you're super cool, Mrs. Roper.

I guess we just let them
figure it out on their own?

I think we have to.

You guys know of any one-bedrooms

in the neighborhood?

We're gonna start looking
after we get married.

"Married"?
You're... you're getting married?

He proposed at a Beyoncé concert.

I liked it, so I had to put a ring on it.

[SCREAMS] Fiona!

I am so happy for you!

- I'll take her.
- I got him.

I checked, and there are
no open seats in first class.

And apparently, your Amex Black Card

cannot get you
helicoptered off the plane.

[SIGHS] I don't like this.

There are way too many people
in this tin can

to keep it in the air.

It's just simple physics.

Planes were only meant
to carry four passengers...

Three if DJ Khaled brings his leopard.

I need more air! I need more room!

Oh!

[BELL DINGS]

What was that?
Did we just hit Santa Claus?

I think you're having a panic attack.

I get them all the time...
Like during a power outage

or when my mom sends
one of her dogs after me.

It's my fault.

You shouldn't just assume that
you're invited to Thanksgiving.

Don't be ridiculous.
I don't get panic attacks!

I cause panic attacks.

Would you like something to drink?

Oh, yes, thank God.

- Vodka, please.
- There you go.

[PANTING]

They shrunk the vodka.

They shrunk the vodka!

Hi, I'm back. [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS] Sorry, I forgot I was on a plane.

I start filming the most challenging role

of my career tomorrow.

I'm really struggling.

You know...

I'm an actor too.

Thank you.

Uh, if it's an issue

having too many lines,

I've found if you mess up enough,

eventually, the director will
take most of them away.

Problem is, I'm filming
my first gay sex scene,

and I have no experience to draw on.

See my, process
is to experience everything

my character does firsthand.

For "Crash," I spent
three weeks doing ride-alongs

with the LAPD.

For "Flags of Our Fathers,"
I gave my father a flag.

But if I don't find some way

to have sex with a man on this flight,

my performance is gonna be
completely false.

Know anybody?

Will you excuse me for one more second?

You know, there was a period of time

I thought I was bisexual.

- Really?
- Oh, sure.

You know, I was dating Grace,
and I convinced myself

that I could... I could actually
choose to be with women.

How tragic.

I mean, you're so gay.

I... I don't know about "so gay."

You have whole bookshelf of books...

about butts.

Lot of those were gifts.

To myself.

The point is, sometimes saying you're bi

can feel like a safe half-step

when... when you're scared
to jump all the way in,

but deep down, you know.

I mean, you're either a cat person

or a dog person. [LAUGHS]

I'm more of a bird person.

That's not a legitimate answer.

You know, Will and I dated way back.

I didn't know Will was bisexual.

Oh, no, he was just gay,
and I was into guys

who like to clean
and pick out my outfits.

- But you had sex?
- Oh, no, no.

He always made excuses.

"I ate too much and now
I'm insecure about my thighs."

Wow, you really couldn't
pick up on clues, could you?

Let's focus on you.

So how about you guys?
Everything okay in the bedroom?

- I wish.
- Uh-huh.

He can't get enough.

He's like the Cookie Monster
if cookies were...

[SUCKS TEETH]

The only time we stop

is so he can take a bubble bath
and watch "Pose."

Oh, Fiona, sweetie, I just...

Can I just say how much
I love that we can do this?

I feel like Grandma Bobbi
is up there smiling,

singing one of her songs,

'cause you're kind of
keeping the Adler flame alive.

"The Adler flame"?

She used to say...

[STUFFY ACCENT] "Dear,
never let anyone tell you

"who to be or how to live,

"and if they do, tell them
to get out of your business

or get out of the way!"

[NORMAL VOICE] That's the Adler flame,

and I totally see it in you.

May it burn forever.

You're giving me permission
to have sex with Ryan Phillipe?

Yes, mi amor.

What good are any
of the contracts we have made

if we do not honor the sanctity
of the hallway passes?

So my husband is okay with me

touching Ryan's "Philli-penis"?

Si.

[SIGHS] Okay.

Hey, guys.

Um, we love how much you love each other.

There's just... there's a big
piece missing, and that's...

Trevor, you're not bisexual.

You're gay.

And Fiona, you're kidding yourself

if you think that's not a problem.

And we're only saying this

because we've been where you are,

and it caused us a lot of pain.

Is that what you think, Aunt Grace?

I think...

[DISTANT CAR HORN HONKS]

What you two have is beautiful.

Grace.

Will, get out of their business

and get out of their way.

[PANTING]

- Feeling better?
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm feeling wonderful.

We're all gonna die...

while watching reruns
of "According to Jim."

It's the one where Jim loses his truck

in an arm wrestling match!

Well, that's a classic.

Mrs. Walker, there's no difference

between coach and first class.

Underneath, aren't we all just people

no matter where we sit?

Good lord, there is no barf bag

big enough to hold
what you just hurled up.

Don't you understand?
I grew up with nothing.

Me and my doctors built me
from the ground up.

I can't die in coach.

They'll find my body with the poors.

All mixed in with the tater tots

and the Crocs.

This can't be the way my story ends.

It's not going to.
You just need to relax.

How do you expect me to relax?

I only brought uppers.

It's too bad you don't
have a service animal.

You mean like a maid?

No, i-it's a pet that's been
trained to comfort you.

Sometimes, holding on
to a faithful companion

who loves you unconditionally

and only wants to serve you can help.

Like a gardener?

Give me your hand.

[GROANS]

Everything is going to be fine.

The plane is not going to crash,

and even if it did, you know
what your story would be?

It would be about a rich, beautiful woman

who was admired by all of Manhattan.

Keep talking.

It would also say that she had

more enemies than friends,

and that she was rumored to
have been lovers with Jackie O.

I gave her that nickname, and...

Between you and me,

the "O" didn't stand for "Onassis."

[LAUGHS]

[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

Okay, um...

actually, before we get into this,

um, I have an acting question.

Do you mind?

Literally nothing is more important

than an actor helping another actor

get better at acting.

Yes, okay.

So, um, I was recently cast

in the role of Estefan,

a Spanish newlywed, whose spouse...

"Yack"...

is propositioned by a beautiful stranger.

Tennessee Williams?

Sure, you can call the
stranger whatever you want.

So when Yack tells Estefan

that Tennessee Williams

wants to have a down-and-dirty hook-up,

uh, Estefan says go for it.

But this is my question:

why doesn't Estefan have
a huge problem with it?

Shouldn't that bother him?

Hmm.

Well, maybe Estefan's realized
he's not cut out for marriage,

and looking the other way
is easier than admitting

he's fallen out of love with...

I'm sorry, did you say "Yack"?

Yeah.

I was afraid of that.

Are gays guys always this sad before sex?

Honestly, more than you think.

Jack, stop.

Hello.

Jack, look, I know
I said am cool with this,

but I am not cool with this, okay?

I just handed out warm nuts to the guests

without even giggling once.

I mean, I am falling apart, okay?

Oh, me, too.

I should be absolutely ruining
Ryan Phillipe right now,

but I can't.

I don't care about
some stupid hall pass anymore.

Marriage is more
than just a piece of paper.

It's a promise that you're
the only one I wanna be with.

Mi amor.

I'm sorry, Mr. Phillipe.

I'm sorry, my emotions
are right on the surface.

That's why I'm such a good actor

and so terrible at Texas hold 'em.

Are you as aroused as I am right now?

Oh, beyond measure...

Because I did not bring the ruler.

You know what, I'll leave you two alone,

because love means never having to say,

"I'll wait on the toilet
until you're done."

Wait, um, if you want,

you can stay and watch.

Really?

You care that much about
the accurate representation

of the LGBTQ community onscreen?

- That's why, yeah.
- Yes, sure.

♪ ♪

How can you say he's not bisexual?

He's dated more women than I have,

and a lot of those women
have dated a lot of the guys

that he's dated.

What the hell is going on out there?

I think what Will is saying...
And he brought this up.

I'm just clarifying.

If a man is attracted to men,
he might be gay.

Again, his thoughts.

And Trevor, if you think
you're just gonna

"not be attracted to men"
for the rest of your life,

you're lying to yourself.

But that's any monogamous relationship.

You have to make a choice
not to be with other people.

You're right, but the part of you

that chooses to be with women

is just responding to societal pressure.

It's the same reason
we all watch "Big Little Lies."

How can you say bisexuality's not real?

It's right in the middle of LGBTQ.

Yes, I am familiar
with the letters "LGBTQ."

You rolled your eyes at the "B."

You're prejudiced against bisexuals.

- I am not.
- Then acknowledge the "B"!

I refuse to acknowledge the "B."

The "B"s and the "Q's
just haven't figured out

if they're "L" or "G" yet.

Is that what you think, Aunt Grace?

I think...

gender is between the ears.

How does that apply here?

I don't know, I saw it on a T-shirt.

Fiona, sweetie, I'm so sorry,

but in my experience,

Will is right.

You guys, I just think
you're a little confused.

If someone told you at 22

that you were "just confused"...

You weren't really gay...
What would you say?

That I know who I am.

I'm 22, and I'm telling you,
I know who I am.

Yeah, but that... that...

Can't argue with that.

I love Fiona.

So get on board...

don't.

We're not really looking
for your approval.

I know you guys are
coming from a good place,

but some of your ideas,
they're just a little '90s.

Oh.

Please don't say "the '90s"
like it's the '50s.

Look, it's not your fault.

You're just a product
of when you grew up.

You probably still use mousse.

- I have curly hair.
- Light pomade.

Ooh we gotta bounce.

Oh, you're leaving already?

Where are you guys going?

Stella McCartney's having an
all-night pop-up in Chelsea.

And seeing this one
in a Stella Mc Cartney

Makes me pop up.

Babe that's like a "Will & Grace" joke.

I love you, tell your mom.

Ah, forget it.

So. [SIGHS]

Just intolerant of someone's sexuality.

[LAUGHS] I guess we are not
as cool as we thought we were.

Yeah.

A-Although, when we were shamed into it,

we were willing to learn.

That-that'll make us good parents.

Sure. And the good news is
that by the time we need to

talk about this with our
kids, we'll be dead.

[LAUGHING] Or we'll be 114.

And popping all sorts
of wonderful new pills.

Now that makes me pop up.

- See we are funny.
- I know!