Will & Grace (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 10 - Of Mouse and Men - full transcript

"Will & Grace" is recorded
in front of a live audience.

Mom, you sure I can't get you anything?

Oh, no, thanks, dear.

I'm meeting the Palmer-Paynes in an hour.

Oh, they bought a gorgeous apartment

on Park Avenue.

Three bedrooms, two baths,

no children.

They're living my dream.

If only that was
the first time I've heard that.

A new apartment?



It sounds like they're gonna

need someone to decorate.

Oh, that'sight,
you're an interior designer.

You must know someone good.

Guess what.

They want to breed

their prize-winning beagle
with my little Garbanzo.

Wow.

That explains why Garbanzo's been doing

all those crunches and ordering
new sheets online.

[LAUGHS]

'Cause... that's what I'd do.

Isn't Garbanzo, like,
a hundred years old?

I mean, is her kitchen
even open for business?



Oh, I am of a certain age,

and my kitchen is doing
very brisk business.

Thanks to your father.

Of course, they're all
short orders, but...

Gah!

Speaking of anything else, really,

um, Grace and I have
a bit of news to share.

- [CELL PHONE BLEEPS]
- Oh, hang on. That's them.

We're doing this now?

We're gonna tell her
that we're both having babies?

She's had two mimosas and no breakfast.

This is our window.

Uh, Mom, remember
when McCoy and I talked about

starting a family?

Well, even though we split up,

I have decided to go ahead with it.

- [GASPS]
- On my own.

I just found out my surrogate
is pregnant,

which means...

I'll be a grandmother again.

Oh, Will. Aww.

And it's so good that you can
do this too,

because you still can.

Not like us old broads, huh?

Well, actually...

Oh, God, can you imagine
being a 50-year-old woman,

having a baby by yourself?

I mean, you really would have
to be brain-dead.

What's... what's your news, Grace?

[CLEARS THROAT]

- Well, two pieces of news.
- Hmm.

The first is, I am not 50.

I am forty-yay!

And second, I am pregnant.

I am having a baby too, on my own.

There are two new babies in the family.

You mean, the baby won't have
a young father

after you're gone?

Mom...

Oh, we'll get back
to your happy news soon.

Grace is in crisis.

I'm not in crisis.

I don't need a man to raise a baby.

But aren't you worried about
doing this on your own?

Of course, I'm terrified.

Oh, Will, you remember that boy

you used to play with
in middle school, Timmy,

with the wonky eye?

I bet he'd like Grace, don't you think?

Maybe.

I don't wanna marry
Timmy with the wonky eye.

And maybe?

Oh, that's my cue. Bye, Mom.

Where are you going?

Karen needs me to go up to Blattsville.

Apparently, one of the players
on her baseball team

made a gay slur, and now the
whole thing's a PR nightmare.

Well, why can't she talk to him?

- She's the owner.
- It has to be me,

because, in her words, I know

- "homo stuff."
- The law.

[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC]

Stop it.

Estefan, come on.

I'm still asleep.

You know I always wake up
five minutes after my penis.

Stop it!

Jack, who are you talking to?

I was talking to you.

But I have just come through the door.

You weren't just tickling
my ear just now?

- No.
- That wasn't you dragging

your furry undercarriage across my neck?

Jack, you know I'm hairless.

Well, if it "tweren't" you, who 'twere?

[MOUSE SQUEAKING]

BOTH: Mouse!

[FRANTIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Karen, can you hear me?

Yeah, I just... I just got
to the locker room,

and I gotta say it's pretty cool.

The bats and the balls
and the cute, sweaty guys.

Throw 'em in a bathtub full of poppers

and the famous Scientologist,

and it's every gay club in the 80s.

Uh, oh, there's... there's your guy.

I'll call you when I'm done.

Uh, Hector, can I speak to you for a sec?

- Who are you?
- Will Truman,

one of Ms. Walker's attorneys
for a very long time.

She wanted me to talk to you
about what happened.

Hey, I already told
Ms. Walker I can put on my cup

all by myself.

Um, no, no.

I... I... I mean, you told a reporter

that the reason your team is
losing is because quote,

"We got some queer on the mound

more interested
in catching than pitching."

It's true, guy's totally gay.

He's always putting lotion over his body.

That doesn't make a man gay. Lotion?

All over his whole body?

Point is, you're an employee
of this company,

and you can be fired for making comments

that could be construed
in any way as hate speech.

Ms. Walker once asked me
if I was from Taco Island.

Fair point.

But in her defense...

[EXHALES]

Hector, look, you're a star athlete.

You got a chance to make it
to the big leagues.

Why do you need to shame others?

And where does this hatred
for gay people even come from?

- What?
- Oh, you know what.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[BRIGHT MUSIC]

This is crazy, okay?

It's just a teeny, tiny mouse.

One of us can just figure out
how to kill it

and then just do it.

- You're right.
- BOTH: I'll figure it out.

Oh, sweetie. [LAUGHS]

Uh, j'adore.

J'do, yeah.

But every happy relationship
has a problem-solver

and a lovable ditz, and in ours,

I'm clearly the problem-solver.

Well, you know what, j'adore, j'do?

I'm gonna take offense
to what I will now say to you,

but you are out of your...

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

We, Jack, have the same dynamic
as our neighbors,

William and Graciela, okay?

I am very smart Will,

and you are very feely
and small-breasted Grace.

J'what?

I am a kabillion times smarter.

I went to nursing school.

Wait, did I?

Well, I am a flight attendant, okay?

When I have to give
the safety instructions,

I have to talk and point
at the same... eh.

I have to... I have to talk and...

I have to talk and point
at the same time!

- I see.
- Where are you going?

To get mousetraps
so I can catch the mouse.

Why? Because only the smart

problem-solver can do that,
and that's me.

[SCOFFS]

[SCOFFS] I'm gonna take the stairs.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Ding!

Very funny.

A-ding!

It was me again, you dum-dum Grace.

Down and back and sit.

Good dog. Who wants a hotdog?

Oh, she's wonderful, Marilyn,

and such a beautiful coat.

I can tell she'll make wonderful puppies.

Oh, I hope so.

You know, my son is having a baby,

but this is more important to me.

Oh, company, hello.

Grace, I hope you don't mind.

These are my friends, Katherine
and Ellis Palmer-Payne.

They wanted to meet you.

Oh, oh, the beagle breeders.

Hi. And the new owners

of the Park Avenue apartment.

It is so lovely to meet you.

Marilyn has just raved about you.

This Marilyn?

That wasn't whatever you thought it was.

I was just wishing I had his quads.

Yeah, pressed against your ears.

Hector.

- I'm not gay.
- All right.

I believe you.

I am, by the way... gay.

Yeah.

Look, there's no one in here.

It's just a couple of guys
in a locker room, talking.

Add a thirsty water boy who's
desperate to make the team,

and it's every gay porn ever made.

Talk to me.

It's my father, okay?

He had four girls and one son.

You know what it's like
for someone from Cuba?

You know what baseball means down there?

It's everything. It's your ticket out.

Yasiel Puig, Tony Pérez, José Canseco,

all that he puts on me.

So he's gotta be proud, right?

You're making it.

Being gay doesn't take any of that away.

I'm not you.

I just can't decide to be all gay.

I got an endorsement deal
with a car dealership.

Interesting fact: gays drive cars.

How do you think the Miata happened?

What about the kids
that come see my play, huh?

I'm like a hero to them.

And if one of those kids was gay,

imagine what a hero you'd be
to him if you said,

"This is who I am, and I'm proud of it"?

Hector, look, come out, don't come out,

that's your call.

I'm just saying the way

you're leading your life now,

hiding, living for your father,

making really hateful comments
about people

who've done nothing
except be who they are...

doesn't exactly sound heroic to me.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

And with the last trap set in place,

tiny piece of cheese on the top,

the mouse's fate is sealed.

Problem solved. You're welcome, Grace.

I do not know why you are
talking to yourself, Grace,

because this does not prove
that you are the smart Will

in the relationship.

Of course it does.

Who got the traps? Who set them in place?

And who cut the cheese?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Me! I did!

Okay, well, let's do a hypothetical, huh?

What if there is a man at the door,

and he is selling nylons,

and you would like to buy some.

How do you get there?

Easy, I just...

you know, I... or I just... you know...

I'd just do what a smart person would do

and get myself over there.

Doy.

Okay. Show me.

Fine.

[MIMICKING] I will "cho" you.

Now what, Mr. Smarty Pantelones?

Now I just make my way
in front of these drama masks.

Oh. [LAUGHS]

Comedy's happy to see me.

Now what?

Well, I just do

as Sia taught me to do...

and I swing from the "chan-de-le-here."

Ooh.

Two pair of hose, please,
in a men's husky.

Marilyn, this is all so new for us.

I mean, we've never adopted
a baby before.

I mean, exactly what traits
do we look for in the mother?

Well, you know how to judge
if a dog is right for you.

Just do the same with Grace.

I mean, she's not that far off.

Look how much she sheds.

There. That's a little more human.

So Marilyn tells me that
you are serious dog breeders.

Their dog Ladybell won Best in Show

in Westminster last year.

Wow.

The most I've ever gotten was
best hair in high school.

She does have a beautiful coat.

Yeah, she really does.

Thank you, um, it's Michael Kors.

Can I get you some sparkling water?

Oh, that'd be lovely.

Confident gait.

She's strong too.

She opens all the pickle jars for Will.

I don't know what Marilyn has told you,

but I've been doing this a lot of years.

- Come.
- Oh, I'm getting you water.

- Come, come.
- Oh, someone's thirsty.

I just want you to know

that I'm really easy to work with,

and I would love
the opportunity to help you.

So far, we are loving what we're seeing.

Nope, not so fast, Katherine.
We just met.

He's right. I get it.

I've gotta prove myself.

You need to put me through my paces.

Wonderful.

Let's do a once-around.

Okay, what if I get so excited

about your new nylons
that I had a heart attack?

First of all, it would
absolutely turn out to be

just gas, because you're the Grace

of this relationship.

But I would still check on you like so.

[GRUNTS] Wow, that was a lot easier.

And as I predicted, false alarm.

You're not having a heart attack, dear.

Problem-solver.

Ay, Dios mío.

Jack, what if there was
a scary mouse on your head?

[MOUSE SQUEAKING]

[BOTH SCREAMING, MOUSETRAPS SNAPPING]

- Let's pick up the pace.
- Oh, right, you're busy.

Um, so the coffee table is Rose Tarlow.

- It's kind of...
- Jump.

Up, up.

Again.

Up. Up.

Around and sit.

Good girl.

Is that a piece of hotdog?

Okay.

What the hell is going on?

Why are you treating me like a dog?

We're sorry. It's an occupational hazard.

We're new to adopting humans.

Oh, my God.

You don't... you don't want a designer.

You want my baby.

Maybe if you don't overreact,

they could want both.

[BRIGHT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

I don't know what to do.

Well, first, you're gonna
work on your eyebrows.

Then you are gonna issue an apology

for what you said today,

and I'm not gonna out you.

I don't believe in that.

But if I hear you make

one more homophobic slur,

that goes out the window

faster than Mike Pence running

out of a room with a lady in it.

But I meant,

what do I do about my life?

Well, I'm guessing you have a girlfriend

who thinks you're straight,
but just taking it very slow.

Yeah, told her I was super Catholic,

even though I never go to church.

She asked me who my favorite saint was,

I panicked and said Ricky Martin.

Yeah, at least you didn't say
Yves Saint Laurent.

[LAUGHS]

Who's that?

Your journey's just beginning.
I envy you.

Uh, first things first,
maybe you should let her in

on the truth and then
maybe the rest of the world.

I know it's hard. I've been there.

Have you, though?

I live with these guys.

Most of them would never be
comfortable with me again.

I'd just become the gay player.

That's all I'd ever be

to them, to the fans, the press.

How could you possibly understand that?

You're right. I can't.

You've got it harder than me.

Which is what the thirsty
water boy would have said.

There's my guy.

But Hector, is it harder
than carrying around

all that anger and self-hatred and shame?

I don't know.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Hey, Karen.

Yeah, it went all right.

He, uh... he's gonna issue an apology

and think about things.

Yeah, your timing is perfect, by the way.

You called just as we finished.

What do you mean you know? How do you...?

[BRIGHT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

What were you thinking?

I was giving you a way out.

And besides, there was no guarantee

that they would want the child.

Your jumps were a little sloppy.

Oh, my God. What is your issue with this?

Just because I'm doing
this without a husband,

it's what, immoral?

No, that's not it.

Millions of single women

have raised children.

Yes, but you said you were terrified.

My plan was simply to help you.

Do you know how hard it is
to raise a child?

I'm not afraid of hard. I can do it.

Yeah, well, you're stronger than I was.

I... I couldn't have done it alone.

But you did.

Will told me what it was like.

George was never around.

Well, that's not fair.

He was building a practice.
He needed to travel.

He was gone, Marilyn,

leaving you to raise three sons.

You did it all yourself.

Yeah, well, I suppose I did.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

Maybe that's what made it so hard.

I bet it was.

But I'm not alone.

I have your son.

And you know what a superstar
of a human being he is,

because you raised him.

You.

Thank you.

I really am sorry.

It's okay.

I kind of liked the hotdog.

[LAUGHS]

You know my mom isn't here anymore,

and my baby's gonna need a grandma.

You interested?

Oh, yes.

Oh, but none of the Jewish
nickname-ry, huh?

Bubbe or rugelach.

Deal.

But for birthdays,
none of those gentile gifts

like, stationary or napkin rings.

You are giving cash.

Deal.

Is it time for a hug?

Go ahead.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

That settles it.

You're a Will and I'm Grace.

Or maybe we're both Grace.

Oh, God, we're doomed.

Jack, why would we want
to be Will and Grace, anyway?

We are not a straight woman
in love with a gay man.

We kinda are.

But they're the most solid
relationship I know.

Think about it.

They've been living together
for 20 years.

They're always there for each other.

It just works. When something goes wrong,

Will takes care of it.

Mouse, mouse! Oh, my God, look!

Look! I've already got it. Relax.

'Sup?

BOTH: I am the Grace.

[BRIGHT MUSIC]