Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 4, Episode 5 - Forward - full transcript
Ryan and Wilfred have drastically different accounts of the same disturbing incident.
You're not going anywhere
until you tell me the truth.
How can I tell you the truth
when I don't even know
what you're talking about?
You're not gonna talk?
Okay.
Then I guess I'll just have
to make you talk.
That's not...
That's not a can filled
with pennies, is it?
Please, please, Ryan.
I told you
I don't know anything!
Ryan, stop!
Please!
Why are you doing this to me?!
Because I know what
you really are now.
You're trying to ruin my life.
How is that even possible?
I'm just a dog.
Any complex human emotion
you see in me
is just wishful
anthropomorphization.
I'm your friend, Ryan,
but haven't we been
down this road before?
Ah.
This time...
I have proof.
Remember last night?
I was complaining about my work.
Goldsmith's been
such a bitch lately.
I'm so sick of her
always riding my ass
about deadlines and
bringing in new clients.
Give me the pen,
give me the pen.
Give me the pen.
Oh!
I should send this to Goldsmith.
Yeah, right.
What? You don't think I'd do it?
Come on, no way, dude!
Man, I'm beat.
Yeah, I'm pretty wrecked.
Oh, look at Bear over here.
"I'm a year sober.
"I can have just one.
I'll be fine."
Gross.
It's in your hair.
Are you just getting up?
No, no.
Well, I was in the neighborhood
and figured you'd need
a friendly reminder
about Joffrey's
preschool interview today.
I remember. Yeah, I'm taking
a sick day to be there.
Okay, don't screw this up, Ryan.
You went to Delmore Academy.
It'll mean a lot to the
admissions officer to see you
in that interview with us.
I'd love for him to go
to Delmore.
Joffrey getting into Delmore
is the first step
to him getting
into Johns Hopkins
and not losing the love
of his mother.
Are you sure
they'll remember me?
That's a great point.
Just bring your yearbook,
and I have to go do
Joffrey's hair appointment.
Just don't be late.
2:00 p.m. sharp.
I'll be there. Don't worry.
What a night, huh?
I could really use
a little skin of the human
that kicked me.
Give you a sip?
There is nothing you can do
to make me enable your disease.
Put that back in your pants!
Stop flaunting it.
We get it.
You're well-endowed.
I have to run some errands.
I should be back in a few hours.
Sweet bag. I didn't know
they made that in gray.
Oh, man.
Remember that drawing?
Thank God I didn't mail it.
Goldsmith would've
fired me for sure.
Hey.
Take it easy, mate.
I'll admit, I was surprised
when you didn't mail
the drawing.
How dare you think
I'd mail your drawing.
If I weren't tied up right now,
I'd slap your face.
I only took it
with me 'cause I knew
they were gonna pick up
the trash this afternoon.
I was trying to not mail it.
I should've known
you wouldn't mail it.
That would've been
too... obvious.
No.
No, you had another plan
in mind.
Not only is Joffrey
the nephew of a former student,
but he's also Latino.
Sorry, is there
a bathroom nearby?
Yes, right down the hall
to your left.
Hurry back.
Wilfred?
Ryan!
What the hell
are you doing here?
Go home.
What are you doing with my bag?
Ryan, wait.
Give me my bag!
What are you...
Oh, my...
They kicked us out on the spot.
Joffrey lost any chance
he'd have
of getting into that school.
Kristen won't speak to me.
She thinks I'm some kind
of sexual deviant.
And I know exactly
how you did it.
You got the gerbil
from the pet store;
and the lube, the liquor
and the ski mask
from the convenience store.
This was all premeditated,
because you're not
actually Wilfred.
You're the evil god, Krungel.
Krungel?
Dr. Grummons told me
all about it.
There's Mataman, the god
who leads you to happiness,
and then there's you.
Krungel, the other dog god,
whose only purpose
is to ruin your life.
Aside from what you think
I did to you today,
when else have I ever been out
to "ruin your life"?
Really?
Leaving my wallet in front
of my neighbor's house?
Oh, that was a good thing.
I helped you stand up to him.
Getting the shit kicked
out of me was a good thing?
Or how about when you put
a shock collar on me?
Or the night
I pulled down my pants
to have sex
with a stuffed giraffe
in front of a little kid?
Come on.
Those were more like
practical jokes.
I'm talking
about seriously ruining...
Amanda.
You know I had nothing to do
with that, Ryan.
She was crazy.
Or maybe she wasn't.
Maybe you used
your special dog powers
to secretly talk to her
and convince her to steal
all that money and put it
in a bank account under my name.
Whether I'm an evil god or not,
rehashing the past isn't gonna
do you any good, Ryan.
You've got to move on.
"Move on"?
You destroyed
the best relationship
I've ever had.
All right.
If that's how you're gonna be,
then you've got to realize
there are two sides
to every story.
You want to know
what really happened today?
Goldsmith's been
such a bitch lately.
Come on, no way, dude!
Like you said,
you were going off on your boss,
so we drew that cartoon,
and you put it in the envelope.
"On-velope."
Envelope.
Oh, look at Bear over here.
"I'm a year sober.
"I can have just one.
I'll be fine."
Gross. It's in your hair.
What a night, huh?
I could really use a little skin
of the human that kicked me.
Dude, give me a sip.
Give you a sip?
There is nothing you can do
to make me enable your disease.
Put that back in your pants.
Stop flaunting it.
We get it.
You're well-endowed.
Sweet bag.
I didn't know they
made that in gray.
Oh, man.
Remember that drawing?
Thank God I didn't mail it.
Goldsmith would've
fired me for sure.
Get your hands off of me.
What the hell?
I didn't do anything.
Hey, take it easy, mate.
After you were gone,
I realized I had to take off
for an appointment.
It's like, I love Bear,
but am I in love with Bear?
It's so good to be able to talk
to someone about this, Cheryl.
It's great.
This is the same length
you usually do?
It just looks different.
What do you think?
That's not my dog.
Where's Pickles?
Pickles?
- Pickles!
- On my way out,
I figured I may as well grab
a new gerbil for that
little gerbil game
Bear and I like to play.
Gerbil game?
That's sick, Wilfred.
How is that sick?
You stick the gerbil
up your asses.
No!
We cover the gerbil in some sort
of slippery substance,
then we run around
and try to catch it.
It's called Catch the Gerbil.
It's just innocent fun, Ryan.
Of course,
whoever catches the gerbil
gets to put it up their ass.
It feels so good.
Get back to the story.
I had to pick up a lubricant
for Catch the Gerbil, so I
stopped by a convenience store.
Dennis!
I ran into Dennis
trying to buy some alcohol.
Your remember Dennis, right?
My best friend?
Well, Dennis and I are not only
super, super close
to the point
of being practically family,
but I'm also his A.A. sponsor.
You don't want
to do this, Dennis.
You know,
Bear's back on the wagon.
What do you mean, Bear just
texted you and said to meet
in a hotel room in Van Nuys
and bring the booze
'cause Bear's got an eight ball?
Since my new haircut
was hideous--
I'm not going back to Cheryl,
by the way--
I needed to find something fast
to cover it up.
And while I was at it, I figured
I should pick up a gift
for Joffrey
to congratulate him
on starting school.
I pictured him standing
on the corner
waiting for the bus
every morning, no fur.
People don't know this
about Southern California,
but it gets cold.
I'd assumed the interview
was just a formality,
so I walked over to the school
with Joffrey's gift.
Is that when you took my bag?
Right, almost forgot.
That wasn't your bag.
On my way over, I spotted
your exact same backpack
in a shop window.
Well, you know how much
I love that shade of gray.
So, naturally, I snatched it--
four-claw discount--
and moved all my stuff into it.
What are you doing with my bag?
Ryan, wait.
Give me my bag!
You...
I was only trying
to get my bag back.
Yours was still in the office.
I wasn't out
to ruin your life, Ryan.
It was all a complete
misunderstanding.
I-I guess you're right.
Everything in your story
makes total sense.
Mmm.
Except for one thing.
I always write my initials
on the tags of my backpacks.
Nerd.
This is my bag, Wilfred.
You lied to me.
What are you hiding?!
Aah!
Nothing! I swear!
Oh.
You're-you're back.
Yeah. I just got in.
Are you...?
I'm alone.
Uh, Drew decided
to stay back in Wisconsin.
Look, I-I'm not in the mood
to talk about it.
Can I just get Wilfred, please?
Actually, uh, uh, I'm in the
middle of giving him a bath.
Uh, can I drop him
off in a little bit?
Sure.
That was Jenna.
As soon as you're ready
to tell the truth...
Get me out of here, Wilfred!
Good morning.
It seems you've been a little
tied up lately.
Okay, that was lame. Do-over.
Good morning.
Have you been down here
learning the ropes?
What? Th-That doesn't
even make any sense.
You're losing
your edge, Wilfred.
Okay, I got it.
Since you're tied to a chair
and you're probably super bored,
how was your night,
Mr. Chairman of the Board?
Nailed it.
If you think you're gonna...
Ow! What the...?!
That's for calling me a mailman.
I would never mail
a letter for you.
Whatever you want from me,
you're not getting it.
Oh, I don't want
anything from you, Ryan.
Except to give you a little
taste of your own medicine.
Prepare yourself
for the most excruciatingly
painful experience
of your life.
Aah!
Okay.
I'm gonna go upstairs
and get my blowtorch
and my bag of red ants.
Uh, what?
Y-You think this
has gone too far,
and you don't want to be
a part of this anymore?
What are you gonna do about it?!
Huh?!
You just do as you're told.
Keep an eye on him
while I'm gone.
Thanks, Bear.
Are you guys ready to get
your fiery stings on?
Aah!
Why were you lying to me?!
What are you trying to hide?!
I'll never tell!
Is that the crinkling
of a dog food packet
when it's not meal time?
Aah! The unrealized
expectation of food!
All right, all right!
I'll tell you everything!
The only part of my story
I lied about
was when I got to the school.
I'll see you tomorrow. Bye.
How you doing?
Good. How are you?
Let's get out of here.
Yes, please.
She's out of the institution?
Apparently.
She looked healthy.
Sane.
She and her boyfriend seemed
happy together. I...
I was worried, if you saw that,
it would make you upset.
I was scrambling
to think of a way
to get you out of there,
when I realized I had
the perfect combination
of a deviant's delights--
the gerbil, the lube,
the alcohol...
the ski mask.
When you went to the bathroom,
I stole your backpack
and put my things in it.
I had to get you
kicked out of there.
I couldn't let you see her.
I don't believe you.
She was there, Ryan.
I swear.
Maybe she was.
And maybe she is
healthy and sane.
But a boyfriend?
A trickster god
obviously couldn't stand
to see me rekindle the
relationship he destroyed.
That could only bring
me happiness, right?
What are you doing?
The opposite of what
you want me to.
Ryan, stop!
You don't want to see her!
Amanda.
Wait!
Look, I know this is awkward,
I can't do this, Ryan!
At the hospital, they gave me
all sorts of different things
to try and help me.
Medication, therapy...
other... stronger
types of treatment.
Once we found the right
combination, I got better.
And after a year, the court
let my parents take me in.
I wanted to call you.
So badly.
But our relationship,
it triggered something.
Those highs and lows,
I-I can't handle them again.
I know it doesn't look
like I'm doing so great,
but I am on a good path.
And if I want to get healthy
and keep moving
forward on that path,
I can't look back.
I can't have you in my
life right now, Ryan.
Amanda...
I'm sorry.
You saw her in the halls.
I didn't want you
to see her like that.
You were trying to protect me.
And I was thinking,
if you wanted to patch
things up with Kristen,
you could tell her Drew put
all that stuff in your bag.
You know, to make you look pervy
as revenge for kissing his wife.
That's crazy.
You're right.
No one would ever believe
Drew's that smart.
Although...
it's my best option.
Listen.
I've been doing
some thinking, too.
Maybe your version
of the story is true.
Maybe you haven't been
undermining me since we met.
Either way,
I'm done punishing
you for the past.
I'm done looking back.
I'm just gonna need
some time to figure things out.
Stay.
Until I know for sure.
I'm sorry.
until you tell me the truth.
How can I tell you the truth
when I don't even know
what you're talking about?
You're not gonna talk?
Okay.
Then I guess I'll just have
to make you talk.
That's not...
That's not a can filled
with pennies, is it?
Please, please, Ryan.
I told you
I don't know anything!
Ryan, stop!
Please!
Why are you doing this to me?!
Because I know what
you really are now.
You're trying to ruin my life.
How is that even possible?
I'm just a dog.
Any complex human emotion
you see in me
is just wishful
anthropomorphization.
I'm your friend, Ryan,
but haven't we been
down this road before?
Ah.
This time...
I have proof.
Remember last night?
I was complaining about my work.
Goldsmith's been
such a bitch lately.
I'm so sick of her
always riding my ass
about deadlines and
bringing in new clients.
Give me the pen,
give me the pen.
Give me the pen.
Oh!
I should send this to Goldsmith.
Yeah, right.
What? You don't think I'd do it?
Come on, no way, dude!
Man, I'm beat.
Yeah, I'm pretty wrecked.
Oh, look at Bear over here.
"I'm a year sober.
"I can have just one.
I'll be fine."
Gross.
It's in your hair.
Are you just getting up?
No, no.
Well, I was in the neighborhood
and figured you'd need
a friendly reminder
about Joffrey's
preschool interview today.
I remember. Yeah, I'm taking
a sick day to be there.
Okay, don't screw this up, Ryan.
You went to Delmore Academy.
It'll mean a lot to the
admissions officer to see you
in that interview with us.
I'd love for him to go
to Delmore.
Joffrey getting into Delmore
is the first step
to him getting
into Johns Hopkins
and not losing the love
of his mother.
Are you sure
they'll remember me?
That's a great point.
Just bring your yearbook,
and I have to go do
Joffrey's hair appointment.
Just don't be late.
2:00 p.m. sharp.
I'll be there. Don't worry.
What a night, huh?
I could really use
a little skin of the human
that kicked me.
Give you a sip?
There is nothing you can do
to make me enable your disease.
Put that back in your pants!
Stop flaunting it.
We get it.
You're well-endowed.
I have to run some errands.
I should be back in a few hours.
Sweet bag. I didn't know
they made that in gray.
Oh, man.
Remember that drawing?
Thank God I didn't mail it.
Goldsmith would've
fired me for sure.
Hey.
Take it easy, mate.
I'll admit, I was surprised
when you didn't mail
the drawing.
How dare you think
I'd mail your drawing.
If I weren't tied up right now,
I'd slap your face.
I only took it
with me 'cause I knew
they were gonna pick up
the trash this afternoon.
I was trying to not mail it.
I should've known
you wouldn't mail it.
That would've been
too... obvious.
No.
No, you had another plan
in mind.
Not only is Joffrey
the nephew of a former student,
but he's also Latino.
Sorry, is there
a bathroom nearby?
Yes, right down the hall
to your left.
Hurry back.
Wilfred?
Ryan!
What the hell
are you doing here?
Go home.
What are you doing with my bag?
Ryan, wait.
Give me my bag!
What are you...
Oh, my...
They kicked us out on the spot.
Joffrey lost any chance
he'd have
of getting into that school.
Kristen won't speak to me.
She thinks I'm some kind
of sexual deviant.
And I know exactly
how you did it.
You got the gerbil
from the pet store;
and the lube, the liquor
and the ski mask
from the convenience store.
This was all premeditated,
because you're not
actually Wilfred.
You're the evil god, Krungel.
Krungel?
Dr. Grummons told me
all about it.
There's Mataman, the god
who leads you to happiness,
and then there's you.
Krungel, the other dog god,
whose only purpose
is to ruin your life.
Aside from what you think
I did to you today,
when else have I ever been out
to "ruin your life"?
Really?
Leaving my wallet in front
of my neighbor's house?
Oh, that was a good thing.
I helped you stand up to him.
Getting the shit kicked
out of me was a good thing?
Or how about when you put
a shock collar on me?
Or the night
I pulled down my pants
to have sex
with a stuffed giraffe
in front of a little kid?
Come on.
Those were more like
practical jokes.
I'm talking
about seriously ruining...
Amanda.
You know I had nothing to do
with that, Ryan.
She was crazy.
Or maybe she wasn't.
Maybe you used
your special dog powers
to secretly talk to her
and convince her to steal
all that money and put it
in a bank account under my name.
Whether I'm an evil god or not,
rehashing the past isn't gonna
do you any good, Ryan.
You've got to move on.
"Move on"?
You destroyed
the best relationship
I've ever had.
All right.
If that's how you're gonna be,
then you've got to realize
there are two sides
to every story.
You want to know
what really happened today?
Goldsmith's been
such a bitch lately.
Come on, no way, dude!
Like you said,
you were going off on your boss,
so we drew that cartoon,
and you put it in the envelope.
"On-velope."
Envelope.
Oh, look at Bear over here.
"I'm a year sober.
"I can have just one.
I'll be fine."
Gross. It's in your hair.
What a night, huh?
I could really use a little skin
of the human that kicked me.
Dude, give me a sip.
Give you a sip?
There is nothing you can do
to make me enable your disease.
Put that back in your pants.
Stop flaunting it.
We get it.
You're well-endowed.
Sweet bag.
I didn't know they
made that in gray.
Oh, man.
Remember that drawing?
Thank God I didn't mail it.
Goldsmith would've
fired me for sure.
Get your hands off of me.
What the hell?
I didn't do anything.
Hey, take it easy, mate.
After you were gone,
I realized I had to take off
for an appointment.
It's like, I love Bear,
but am I in love with Bear?
It's so good to be able to talk
to someone about this, Cheryl.
It's great.
This is the same length
you usually do?
It just looks different.
What do you think?
That's not my dog.
Where's Pickles?
Pickles?
- Pickles!
- On my way out,
I figured I may as well grab
a new gerbil for that
little gerbil game
Bear and I like to play.
Gerbil game?
That's sick, Wilfred.
How is that sick?
You stick the gerbil
up your asses.
No!
We cover the gerbil in some sort
of slippery substance,
then we run around
and try to catch it.
It's called Catch the Gerbil.
It's just innocent fun, Ryan.
Of course,
whoever catches the gerbil
gets to put it up their ass.
It feels so good.
Get back to the story.
I had to pick up a lubricant
for Catch the Gerbil, so I
stopped by a convenience store.
Dennis!
I ran into Dennis
trying to buy some alcohol.
Your remember Dennis, right?
My best friend?
Well, Dennis and I are not only
super, super close
to the point
of being practically family,
but I'm also his A.A. sponsor.
You don't want
to do this, Dennis.
You know,
Bear's back on the wagon.
What do you mean, Bear just
texted you and said to meet
in a hotel room in Van Nuys
and bring the booze
'cause Bear's got an eight ball?
Since my new haircut
was hideous--
I'm not going back to Cheryl,
by the way--
I needed to find something fast
to cover it up.
And while I was at it, I figured
I should pick up a gift
for Joffrey
to congratulate him
on starting school.
I pictured him standing
on the corner
waiting for the bus
every morning, no fur.
People don't know this
about Southern California,
but it gets cold.
I'd assumed the interview
was just a formality,
so I walked over to the school
with Joffrey's gift.
Is that when you took my bag?
Right, almost forgot.
That wasn't your bag.
On my way over, I spotted
your exact same backpack
in a shop window.
Well, you know how much
I love that shade of gray.
So, naturally, I snatched it--
four-claw discount--
and moved all my stuff into it.
What are you doing with my bag?
Ryan, wait.
Give me my bag!
You...
I was only trying
to get my bag back.
Yours was still in the office.
I wasn't out
to ruin your life, Ryan.
It was all a complete
misunderstanding.
I-I guess you're right.
Everything in your story
makes total sense.
Mmm.
Except for one thing.
I always write my initials
on the tags of my backpacks.
Nerd.
This is my bag, Wilfred.
You lied to me.
What are you hiding?!
Aah!
Nothing! I swear!
Oh.
You're-you're back.
Yeah. I just got in.
Are you...?
I'm alone.
Uh, Drew decided
to stay back in Wisconsin.
Look, I-I'm not in the mood
to talk about it.
Can I just get Wilfred, please?
Actually, uh, uh, I'm in the
middle of giving him a bath.
Uh, can I drop him
off in a little bit?
Sure.
That was Jenna.
As soon as you're ready
to tell the truth...
Get me out of here, Wilfred!
Good morning.
It seems you've been a little
tied up lately.
Okay, that was lame. Do-over.
Good morning.
Have you been down here
learning the ropes?
What? Th-That doesn't
even make any sense.
You're losing
your edge, Wilfred.
Okay, I got it.
Since you're tied to a chair
and you're probably super bored,
how was your night,
Mr. Chairman of the Board?
Nailed it.
If you think you're gonna...
Ow! What the...?!
That's for calling me a mailman.
I would never mail
a letter for you.
Whatever you want from me,
you're not getting it.
Oh, I don't want
anything from you, Ryan.
Except to give you a little
taste of your own medicine.
Prepare yourself
for the most excruciatingly
painful experience
of your life.
Aah!
Okay.
I'm gonna go upstairs
and get my blowtorch
and my bag of red ants.
Uh, what?
Y-You think this
has gone too far,
and you don't want to be
a part of this anymore?
What are you gonna do about it?!
Huh?!
You just do as you're told.
Keep an eye on him
while I'm gone.
Thanks, Bear.
Are you guys ready to get
your fiery stings on?
Aah!
Why were you lying to me?!
What are you trying to hide?!
I'll never tell!
Is that the crinkling
of a dog food packet
when it's not meal time?
Aah! The unrealized
expectation of food!
All right, all right!
I'll tell you everything!
The only part of my story
I lied about
was when I got to the school.
I'll see you tomorrow. Bye.
How you doing?
Good. How are you?
Let's get out of here.
Yes, please.
She's out of the institution?
Apparently.
She looked healthy.
Sane.
She and her boyfriend seemed
happy together. I...
I was worried, if you saw that,
it would make you upset.
I was scrambling
to think of a way
to get you out of there,
when I realized I had
the perfect combination
of a deviant's delights--
the gerbil, the lube,
the alcohol...
the ski mask.
When you went to the bathroom,
I stole your backpack
and put my things in it.
I had to get you
kicked out of there.
I couldn't let you see her.
I don't believe you.
She was there, Ryan.
I swear.
Maybe she was.
And maybe she is
healthy and sane.
But a boyfriend?
A trickster god
obviously couldn't stand
to see me rekindle the
relationship he destroyed.
That could only bring
me happiness, right?
What are you doing?
The opposite of what
you want me to.
Ryan, stop!
You don't want to see her!
Amanda.
Wait!
Look, I know this is awkward,
I can't do this, Ryan!
At the hospital, they gave me
all sorts of different things
to try and help me.
Medication, therapy...
other... stronger
types of treatment.
Once we found the right
combination, I got better.
And after a year, the court
let my parents take me in.
I wanted to call you.
So badly.
But our relationship,
it triggered something.
Those highs and lows,
I-I can't handle them again.
I know it doesn't look
like I'm doing so great,
but I am on a good path.
And if I want to get healthy
and keep moving
forward on that path,
I can't look back.
I can't have you in my
life right now, Ryan.
Amanda...
I'm sorry.
You saw her in the halls.
I didn't want you
to see her like that.
You were trying to protect me.
And I was thinking,
if you wanted to patch
things up with Kristen,
you could tell her Drew put
all that stuff in your bag.
You know, to make you look pervy
as revenge for kissing his wife.
That's crazy.
You're right.
No one would ever believe
Drew's that smart.
Although...
it's my best option.
Listen.
I've been doing
some thinking, too.
Maybe your version
of the story is true.
Maybe you haven't been
undermining me since we met.
Either way,
I'm done punishing
you for the past.
I'm done looking back.
I'm just gonna need
some time to figure things out.
Stay.
Until I know for sure.
I'm sorry.