Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 3, Episode 13 - Regrets - full transcript

In the season finale, Jenna bars Ryan from seeing Wilfred when he needs him most.

Hey.

How was the hotel?

Good.

The house looks good.

Can't believe
it only took them a week

to repair the fire damage.

Listen, there's something...

that we have to talk about.

I have been through

a range of emotions
this past week.

First I was shocked,
and then I was jealous.



Look, I...
I...

am the man of the house.

I'm the one who should've
saved Wilfred from that fire,

but instead, I just vag'd out.

I mean, thank God you
were there, obviously,

but I am so embarrassed and...
mad at myself.

Come on. Don't-don't
beat yourself up.

It was the middle of the night.
You were confused.

You were breathing in smoke.

If I had waited
two seconds,

I'm sure you would've
sprinted in there.

Ah.

Thanks for the
devagification.

You're a good friend, Ryan.



Looks like somebody's happy
to see you.

Welcome back.
Thanks.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Okay, you're obviously
pissed off about something.

Jenna's having
an affair, Ryan.

Look at her,

acting all innocent,
like she isn't cheating on Drew

with some tramp, probably
sharing plates of spaghetti

that are actually
just one long noodle.

Hey.

Uh, we should talk.

Actually, I was just gonna
take Wilfred to the dog park.

But...
It's the least I can do.

A-And the dog park
closes at sunset.

W-We'll catch
up soon, yeah?

Cockaholic!

A day or so after the fire,
I smelled something on her,

a scent I didn't recognize,
a masculine perfumeyness.

Weird.

Plus, her pheromones have
been exploding all week.

She is swampy for
this home-wrecker.

At first I thought
it was you.

But then I thought about what
you look like and act like

and how you struggle
with dandruff and stuff,

and, honestly, I just
burst out laughing.

Most importantly,
you know my policy.

If anything happened
between you and Jenna,

I'd be forced to
bite your genitals.

And by bite, you know I mean
that thing where I kind of

latch on and shake my head
back and forth super fast.

You know that thing?
Yeah. I-I got it.

Uh...

D-Do you want to come in?

No, um, I'm-I'm actually

not gonna stay that long.

So, I-I've been thinking

about what happened
between us, and...

...it was a horrible mistake.

So I think

that it would be best
if things went back

to the way they were before.

Totally.

I-I'm so glad you said that.

I feel the exact same way.

Okay.

Am I late?

No. I got here early.

Didn't have much
going on today.
Oh.

Oh, uh, by the way, I, uh...

I-I watched that Good Will
Hunting movie you recommended.

That Ben Affleck
is something else.

So, Kristen tells me

you recently
lost your renter.

Yeah. I-I've been
interviewing for jobs,

m-mostly at nonprofits.

I decided I want to do
something that helps people,

like maybe work
with mentally ill prisoners

who don't have access
to good representation.

Careful. Those cases
can be tough to litigate.

I guess
it'll be a challenge, then.

Or you could always
come back to the firm.

You're joking, right?

It'd be different this time.

I've been talking
to the other partners

about setting up
a pro bono division.

And I'd love for you
to come back and manage it.

That doesn't sound
like Goldsmith and Newman.

Like I said,
for our sake,

I'm willing to change.

Wilfred... you've got
to pick up your toys.

Too busy right now.

I'm in the midst
of a rigorous investigation.

At 1:45 p.m. today,
Jenna went into the bank.

At 1:48 p.m.,
she walked out.

So, you see, there's a
missing three minutes.

Just enough time for
her to take a ride

on some bank
teller's moustache.

You know, maybe we should
be putting our energy

toward solving
bigger mysteries, like...

We still don't know anything
about this symbol.

What's the point?

Kristen doesn't remember it.

We've researched everything
from hieroglyphics

to ancient mythology to aliens.

Maybe it's just a doodle.

This, on the other hand...

This is a bomb that
needs to be defused now.

Are you okay?

You seem kind of anxious.

No. No, it's just...

I had lunch with
my dad today.

He offered me a job.

I have to admit, it-it
sounds like maybe...

Ryan, do not
fall for this.

I know things seem to be better

between you and your dad
right now,

but don't forget,
working for him

is what made you get

all kill-yourself-y
in the first place.

You're right.

Oh, by the way,

I came up with a plan
to find out

who Jenna's new bike seat is.

I leave a bouquet
of flowers,

a heart-shaped box of chocolates
and an anonymous love note

addressed to Jenna
on her doorstep,

then we just wait to see
who she calls to thank.

I-I don't think that's
such a good idea.

Yeah, I hear you, but on
the other hand, you're wrong.

It's genius, and I already

left the gifts there
five minutes ago.

Ryan, I thought we agreed.

No, no.
It's not me.

Someone's pulling a prank.

Look, I know that I was the one
who kissed you, but...

this isn't working.

Maybe it's
because so much

of your life revolves around us.

You don't have many
other friends, you...

watch Wilfred all day...

Wait, have you only
been doing that

as a way to, like,
get close to me?

What? No, of-of course not.

Okay, it's obvious we
can't hang out anymore,

like, at all.

That goes for Wilfred, too.

What are you saying?

I want you
to stay away from him.

Wilfred!

Did she call him yet?

Go inside, Wilfred.

Get your filthy dick-mitts
off me!

Go inside now!

Ryan, why is she acting
like this?

Ryan, what's happening?!

Oh, get this. Arturo wants
Joffrey to spend more time

with the Ramos family
so he can learn Spanish.

What's next,
landscaping camp?

Are you listening?
This is important.

Yeah. Sorry.

Ryan, who is this imposter?

And why aren't
you walking...
Ooh, Wilfred, look.

Do you see the squirrel
on the grass? Ooh.

I see the squirrel,
bitch!

Oh, Dad, um,

told me about
the job offer.

It sounds tailor-made
for you.
Yeah.

I'm gonna turn it down.
Seriously?

Look, I know you and Dad have
had your issues in the past,

but it doesn't sound like there
are other offers on the table.

At the very least, it'd get
you out of this house.

Your life, it's so
claustrophobic, Ryan.

I mean, all you do all day

is hang out
with that dog

and get boners over
your married neighbor.

Meet me out front. Over.

Or, actually, meet
me out the back.

Why the hell
did you...

Shh. Don't speak.

I just want to look
at you for a minute.

So what's up, dude?

N-Nothing.
You're the one

who threw a brick
through my window.

Oh, sorry, yeah.

I just didn't know
how else to see you.

I've really missed you
these last few days, mate.

I know.

I overheard Drew asking Jenna

why you're not
dog-sitting anymore.

She says you're
a bad influence.

You don't discipline me,
you let me eat people food,

you're not masculine enough
to be, like, a dog guy.

Well, she didn't actually
say that last bit,

but she kind of
didn't have to.

Well, I-I guess I am
pretty lenient with you.

She probably has a point.

Bullshit.

It's bad enough she's joined the
face-rodeo behind Drew's back,

but now she won't
let me see my best...

...best friend.

Wilfy?

Oh, shit.
Where are you, boy?

I better get home.

So, uh...

I guess I'll see
you around, huh?

Wilfy!

I just wish there was
some way around this.

Come here, boy.

Ryan, what are you doing here?

Look, I-I just wanted
to let you know

that I've decided
to take a job.

We won't really be
seeing each other.

I figured it'd be
better that way.

Well, I-I appreciate that.

And since I won't be
around much anymore...

maybe I could hang out with
Wilfred sometimes after work.

Well, I don't think
it would hurt

if you took Wilfred to
the dog park on the weekends.

Drew can bring him over.

Thanks.

It means a lot.

Mr. Newman.

I'd heard some rumblings
you might be rejoining us.

Yeah. I just wanted to give
the news to my father in person.

I don't give a shit
if he's in a meeting!

Get him out of the meeting!

I can take
another message.

I've left 1,000 messages!

You know what?
I'm just gonna wait

in Hank's office
until he can see me.

No.
Anne?

What are you doing here?

Do you know my father?

Yeah.

Security is on its way, ma'am.

You called security?
Uh-huh.

Oh, eat ass.

Wait, wait!

How do you know
my father?

You know what?
Who gives a shit?

Two weeks after I moved in,
your dad asked me to spy on you.

What?
I know.

It's a shitty thing to do,
and I'm probably

gonna go to hell for it,
but he said he

could pull some strings
with the parole board

to get my boyfriend
out of jail early.

I can't believe this.
And then, like, a day

before his hearing, the
corrections officers bust him

with one bag of heroin,
and suddenly your dad's like,

"Oh, there's nothing I can do."

Wait, wh-when you say "spy"...
Just, like,

observe you
and report back to him, and then

he had me put
tiny surveillance cameras

around your house.
W-Wait.

Ow! Ow!
Wh-What did you tell him?

You're hurting me!
What did he see?

What does he know?!

Ryan.
Anne?

You put cameras in my house?

Sit down, Ryan.

What did you see
on those cameras?

I'll show you.

It's not gay.

It's funny.
It's edgy.

Wilfred, you put your penis
in my mouth while I was asleep.

Then you took a picture of it
and put it on a coffee mug.

What if someone
were to see this?

There's no one else
in the house, Ryan.

It's just you...
talking to the dog.

I have hours of footage
like that.

There's even one of you
wearing a shock collar.

N-No, that...
I'm worried
that if this continues,

you'll end up doing
serious harm to someone.

The dog, yourself.

Which makes me feel
like you're not in a position

to make right choices
for yourself.

What does that mean?

You can either spend some time
in a treatment facility...

What?

Or you can come work for me.
Ah,

I get it. You got Anne
to dig up some dirt

so you could blackmail me
into working for you again.

Because why?
Because you couldn't handle

not controlling
every little move I make?

I-I know it looks that way.

It always looks that way.

It's like I said--
if you work here,

it'll be different between us.

Oh, the pro bono job.

Wow. I-I actually believed that.

Ryan, I'm only trying

to help you.

You know what?

It's true.
I do talk to Wilfred.

He's the only one that's
actually helping me.

Jenna's in the shower,

so I've only got a few minutes.
I just heard the good news.

We're back, baby!

Saturday afternoons
between 2:00 and 4:00 p.m.

Hey, what's going on?

My dad knows about us.

He knows everything.

He threatened
to institutionalize me

if I didn't come back
to the firm.

Holy shit.
You were right,
Wilfred.

I never should've
trusted him again.

So what are you gonna do?
I-I'm just gonna

take off and get as far away
from this shit as possible,

live my own life.

I'm coming with you.

I've got nothing
left here.

Jenna's turned into a
real "Jizzed-on Jane."

You really want to come with me?

You're my best friend, Ryan.

I love you.

Of course I want to come.

What is that?

I know that smell.

Uh, it's probably
my ChapStick.

It was you.

Now, hold on,
Wilfred.

It-it's complicated.

Your face

is the saddle Jenna's
been giddyupping on?

No, no, no, no, no!
It was only one kiss.

Wilfred, stop!

I'll eat your
genitalia, bitch!
Ryan?

Ryan?

- Ryan!
- You were supposed

to be my best friend!

I-I am!

I didn't plan on it!
She kissed me!

Besides, it's-it's over now!

Oh, God. This is worse
than I thought.

I'm taking you to get some help.

Let go, Wilfred!

Let go! Bad dog!
Stay away from me!

You've got nothing
to do with this!

Ryan,
you're not well.

You have to... Whoa!

Dad?

Thanks for coming.

I appreciate it.
Of course, Ryan.

I'm sorry
we can't stay long.

We've got Wilfred in the car.

I understand.

I feel horrible
about this, mate.

You don't have
to keep apologizing.

It was a
total accident.

I only left my tennis ball there
in the hopes

that someone would, like,
kick it down the stairs

and I'd chase it down
and bring it back up to them

and then repeat that, like,

7,000 times
in a row.

I know.
It's okay, Wilfred.

I'm willing
to forget

about you and Jenna.

We've just got to put a stop
to all this fighting

before someone gets hurt.

You know what I mean.

If it's any
consolation,

now that your dad's...
you know... you can

finally feel free,
live your own life.

Also,

it's probably not the right time
to bring it up, but this...

this is how you crack a window.

Yep.

Sorry
for your loss, Ryan.

Hank was always
so proud of you.

I want you to know that even
with your father's passing,

we'd still love for you to
oversee the pro bono division.

Pro bono division?

Uh, can't say I'm the biggest
supporter of the idea,

but we've already found several
cases related to prisoners

with mental health issues.

Your father was
very specific about that.

Do you think he was only
just trying to help us?

When your dad
had me committed,

I know
it crushed him.

He was scared that you would
turn out the same way.

So... he made you
into a little lawyer, which...

must have given you
some kind of structure.

You know, I don't think
I could've admitted this

while he was
still alive, but...

yeah, maybe, I think...

he was actually
trying to help us.

In his own dysfunctional,
dickheadish way.

Hey, can you do me a tiny favor

and smash this bit
of glass down here?

You've always been against me
reconciling with my father.

Since the day we met.
Look,

as interesting as all this is,
I really need to...

Oh, there we go. And I'm peeing.

This past week,
I've been fighting so hard

to save our friendship

instead of focusing
on the relationship

the one with my father.

Ryan, what are
you saying?

I'm not well
when I'm with you.

I am so sick
of seeing everything

through Wilfred-tinted lenses.

Ryan...