Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 2, Episode 13 - Secrets - full transcript

I don't know, it's not exactly formal.

It's my backyard.

AMANDA: And you're sure
Jenna's okay with me coming?

Amanda, you're my girlfriend.

Oh, so you're already telling people

we're back together again.

Yep. People know.

Hey, Ryan,

could you remind the deejay
about the couples' toast?

Couples' toast?

It's kind of a family tradition.



After Drew and I have our first dance,

all the couples hold hands,

raise 'em high and yell
"Happiness!"

Looks like Mommy's getting
shitfaced tonight.

(baby talk):
Yes, she is.

No, no, no!

We cannot sit cousin Ed next
to the Barishes!

Legally. The Barishes
have a young son!

These are all wrong!

JENNA: Wilfy! Wilfy!
Wilfred!

Don't touch me!

Ah!
Sorry.

I asked Drew to clip his nails,

but I guess
he didn't get around to it.



Would you mind? I don't want him
scratching anyone else.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Please? He's really skittish

and you're the only person
he'll trust.

Ow!

I didn't even clip it yet.

You were going to.

Yeah, well, that's what
we're doing here.

What's wrong, Wilfred?

Is there something
you're not telling me?

I don't know, Ryan.

Is there something
you're not telling me?

(sighs)

You know, don't you?

You're damn right I know.

When were you planning on

letting me in on this little secret?

This changes everything.

Ow!

I'm not even holding the clippers.

Look, Wilfred, I love Amanda,
and she loves me.

I haven't told her about you and...

everything else yet, but I'm going to.

I'm just working up to it.

Wait. You and Amanda
are back together?

So, you didn't know?

How would I?
I haven't seen Amanda

since the day you two broke up.

Well, then what the hell is going on?

That's funny...

because I would like to ask
you the same question.

OH, it's just a drawing I did
when I was a kid.

So that's your family?

Yeah.

Who's the dog?

That's Sneakers.

Not that dog.

This dog.

I-I, I don't know.

Where'd you get this?

I found it in
your childhood scrapbook.

Well, that's impossible.

You just said it was your drawing.

Well, I guess I was wrong.

Ryan, I'm only seven years old.

This picture's at least 20.

What aren't you telling me?

I have to get ready for the wedding.

I don't have time for these games.

This isn't a game.
I need answers, Ryan!

Who am I?!

What am I?

Okay, you want to know the truth?

I've never seen
that drawing before, but...

I do know about The Plan.

The plan?

You don't know?

No, no, no, of course I know
about The Plan.

Oh, my God...

you really don't know, do you?

Ryan... please?

This has all happened before.

You're not the first
"Wilfred," Wilfred.

There have been hundreds.

Maybe thousands.

Every time you die,
you get resurrected.

I guess I always thought

there was something different
about me.

Something special.

I didn't know what.

Because you weren't supposed to.

None of you were.

What is my... our purpose?

No one knows for sure.

The prophecy says
that all will be revealed

by the final five Cylons.

Cylons?

Battlestar Galactica!

What'd you think of the ending?

Frak you, Ryan!

Come on, Wilfred, admit it.

You drew that picture.

I don't know what you're up to,

but I'm not falling for it.

I did not draw that picture!

Well, I don't believe you.

Well, I don't believe you!

Wilfred, your nails.

Hey.
Hey!

You look incredible.

Thanks.

You will look amazing once I fix this.

The wedding party is assembling, Ryan.

Wilfred, hi!

Sorry, I guess all these
people are making him nervous.

That's all right. He was really
sweet with me the other day.

The other day?

Wilfred saw you?

Yeah, I was at Jenna and Drew's
dropping off a gift.

They weren't home, but Wilfred
and I sat on the front porch

for, like, ten minutes.

It was so lovely.

I think he's really happy
we're back together.

Hmm.

Stay two steps behind,

and do not let my tail touch the ground.
Wilfred...

If a single hair touches
a blade of that grass,

I will cut your dick off.

You think I don't have a
pair of dick shears? I do.

Now smile, you lying bastard.

You're the liar.

You saw Amanda a few days ago.

No, I didn't!

Dennis, I'm so glad to see you!

She told me.

That's why you drew that
picture, so I'd think

I was too crazy to be in
a relationship.

You don't want me to be happy, do you?

For that last time, I did
not draw that picture.

Why would I do that?

Why do you do anything?

To mess with my head.

You're trying to ruin
my life, aren't you?

If I wanted to ruin your life, Ryan,

I wouldn't do it with crayons.

Goddamn it!
Wilfie, shh! Shh...

(piano plays "Wedding March")

Tony! Big T!

Tony Baloney!

That was not Tony.

Hey.

James?

Hey, are you getting married today?

Just hosting.
Oh.

What are you doing here?

Ah, it can wait.

Actually, it can't.

Is everything okay?

It's about the guy you used
to work with,

Kevin Ghesquire.

You know your dad is
representing him, right?

Yeah. I still can't believe
he sold our company secrets.

He was framed.

What?

By who?

James?

Our investigators turned up
a wire transfer

from Kanner-McKay
for $10.2 million

into an offshore account...

in your name.

What?!

James?
Hey.

Oh, my God, I didn't know

you were gonna be here.

Oh! (chuckles)

This is so great.
You can be my date.

Here, hold my baby.
What? Huh?

Yeah, get a feel for him.
What?

I'm gonna get us some champagne.

Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!

This is some kind of mistake.

No, dude, this is not a mistake.

Look, I know you would never do

something like this,
and so does your dad.

But by law, he has to hand over all

information to the
authorities by tomorrow.

You're gonna need
a really good lawyer, Ryan.

Your dad wants to help.

I didn't do this.
I didn't do anything!

Well, somebody did.

It's a setup!

Someone is trying to ruin my life!

Ryan!
I can't believe this! You framed me?

Whoa, whoa, what the hell are
you talking about?

You sold my company's secrets

and put the money in
an offshore account in my name!

They're gonna put me in jail!

Company secrets?
Offshore accounts?

I don't know how to do that stuff.

Well, you knew how
to use my credit card

to order your meat-
of-the-month club.

They make it very easy!

Why would you do this to me?
I didn't!

Well, then who did?
And I swear to God,

if you say the Postal Service...

You think the Postal Service
gives a shit

about a nobody like you?!

They're too busy developing
heartworm-deploying flea-borgs.

And delivering mail.

So then who?

Your father.

What?

He's been trying to get you back

ever since you walked out on him.

He offered you a job,
you knocked it back

the next thing you know,

the company you work for is destroyed.

No, that's just a coincidence.

Oh, really?

How did you find out about
this offshore account?

My dad represents the guy
accused of selling the formula.

Well, isn't that convenient?

Your father is the one who
discovers the evidence

that links you to the crime.

Suddenly, you need a lawyer.

Suddenly, you need him.

He wouldn't...

Wouldn't what, Ryan?
Manipulate you?

Do whatever it takes to get you
back under his control?

It's brilliant.

It's bullshit!
When I left my dad's firm,

it caused a huge embarrassing
scandal for him.

The last thing he wants from me
is more negative publicity.

Nice try, Wilfred.
It was you!

Christ, Ryan, think about it!

Sending you to jail,
how would that benefit me?

Without you, I have no purpose.
I'm nothing!

It's like I don't even exist.

I feel like I've heard that before.

Because you know it's true.

Ryan, there is someone else
to consider.

Someone who's been
sabotaging you for years.

Someone who even tried
to kill you once.

Me?

I would never... That's crazy!

Interesting choice of words.

Come on! I mean,
don't you think

I'd remember doing something
like that?

There's a lot you don't remember.

I got to be honest with you, Ryan.

I thought I was in control.

I thought I was the
one calling the shots.

But what if it was you all along?

Why would I do this to myself?

I don't know, mate.

Maybe the person who doesn't
want you to be happy...

is you.

I thought I was getting better.

Wait.

You know, you don't
have to tell her now.

She deserves to know.

There you are.

Sorry.
Uh, hosting stuff.

DJ: Everyone please join
the bride and groom

as they finish their
first dance together.

You've done an amazing job.

This wedding is beautiful.

Amanda...

I have to tell you something...

I don't know how to say this.

Ryan, you can tell me anything.

Wilfred talks to me.

And I talk to him.

We talk to each other.

Like, real talking.

Full-on conversations.

Is this some kind of joke?

I-I wish it was.

It's hard to explain.

Everyone else sees a dog.

But when I look at him,

I see... something else.

I've kept this a secret for so long.

And I thought I could
handle it, but I can't,

and-and I don't expect you to...

Ryan...

Wilfred talks to me, too.

I thought I was the only one.

Ever since that day you
brought him into the office.

At first, I tried to ignore him,

tried to pretend it wasn't happening.

I was afraid I was losing my mind.

I can't believe this.
Yeah.

After a while, I finally realized

that he was here for a reason.

Ryan, there's so much
darkness inside of me

that I don't let anyone see.

But Wilfred, he...

he seems to know everything about me,

and I know it sounds crazy, but...

he helps me.

I... I thought I was
the only one, too.

Ryan, don't you see?

We're meant to be together.

We don't have to be alone anymore.

I just don't understand why
Wilfred never told me.

He never mentioned it to me, either.

Maybe it was a part of his plan.

W... What plan?

He told me about it
the day we broke up.

He told you he has a plan?

Yeah, I don't know
all of the details, but...

you know Wilfred, he's so mysterious.
(chuckles)

He sure is.

So, about his plan...

I'll tell you all about it in Tahiti.

Tahiti?

Or Rio.

I mean, wherever we want to go.

I'm the one that sold
the formula, Ryan.

$10.2 million.

You did that?

I did it for us.

Now we can be together forever.

Just like Wilfred promised.

She said what?
She said you told her to sell the formula.

Why didn't you tell me
you could talk to her?

Because I can't.

I'm a dog, Ryan.
I can't talk to people.

How many times do I
have to tell you that?

Come.

Wilfred.
I told Ryan everything.

I hope you're not mad at me.

I don't know what she's talking about.

Wilfred, come on!
He's so silly.

Ryan, can she actually
hear what I'm...?

Wilfred, stop.

Ryan, I swear, there's
no way she can hear me!

Amanda...

what did Wilfred just say?

Yeah, Amanda, if you can hear
me, tell me what I just said,

you diseased bag of human garbage.

He said that the little bride
and groom on top of the cake

made him think of us.

No, he didn't.

I think that's what he said.

Sometimes it's hard for me
to understand him

with that French accent.

Okay.

I think we're done here.

Amanda...

you have to turn yourself in.

What?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

When you broke up with me,

you told me it was
because of your job.

Well, now you never
have to work again.

You framed Kevin.

An innocent man went to jail.
Innocent?

He stole the jalapeños off my bagel.

Five times!

Kevin was a great man.

He gave me a belly rub
when nobody else would.

A man died.

Jeremy killed himself.

I know. And I do feel
really bad about that.

Are you ready for us

to start our new life together?

Yeah, let me just...

say goodbye to some people.

Woo!

Great party, Ryan!

Woo!

I had dinner reservations,
like, 45 minutes ago.

Sorry.

Listen, I know who framed me.

You do?

Shit!

All right, um, I'm...

I'm your lawyer.

Don't talk to anybody.

I'm gonna call the FBI and we're
gonna get this sorted out, okay?

Call a doctor, too.

A psychiatrist.

DREW:
Excuse me.

Can I have everyone's attention
over here, please?

JENNA:
Drew and I would like to honor

our incredible host, Ryan Newman.

Ryan, we can't thank you enough.

You truly have made today
the happiest day ever.

(guest applaud, cheer, whistle)

Okay, single ladies.

It's bouquet time!
(women cheering)

Ryan, it's all happening.

Our life together is gonna be so...

Wonderful.

It's all gonna be wonderful.

(giggles happily)

WILFRED:
How's Amanda?

She's being held for
psychiatric evaluation.

She confessed to everything,
so I'm in the clear.

I hope she gets
the help that she needs.

If it makes you feel any better,

I didn't see it coming either.

And I'm usually good
at spotting the crazies.

Like me?

You're no crazier than anybody else.

Said the dog to the man.

You're not, Ryan.

How can you say that?

What's the difference
between me and Amanda?

Some people can't handle Vegas.

You can.

What about that drawing?

What about it?

The only thing that's
given me comfort at all

is that, deep down,

I assumed you had all the answers.

But if I really drew that
picture when I was a kid

and you don't know what it means...

Well...

we're on a plane with no pilot.

And that scares the shit out of me.

I drew the picture, Ryan.

I was just messing with your head,

like I usually do.

I guess I took it too far.

Don't worry, mate.

You're in good hands.

Good night.