Wilfred (2011–2014): Season 2, Episode 12 - Resentment - full transcript

(horn honks)

JENNA: Hey.
Hey!

Hey!
(both laughing)

What's up now, water?

Get some, bitch!

Wilfred...

Hey, Ryyy-Seroni...

The-San-Francisco-Treat-
Now-In-The-New...

Chicken... (laughs)
What's up, neighbor?

JENNA: Is Wilfred
bothering you?

Drew was away for his
bachelor party this weekend,



so Wilfy has all this
pent-up energy.

Oh. Right.
The hunting trip.

Yeah.
Sorry I couldn't make it,

but I had to baby-sit
my new nephew.

Bullshit!
You spent the last 48 hours

on the couch, in your undies,
playing with your doodle.

Aah!

(laughing)

Wilfred loves the hose.
Oh, that reminds me...

we haven't gotten your
RSVP yet, for the wedding.

That's strange.

I mailed that weeks ago.

Uh, no, you didn't.

You remember... you used it
to squash that spider.



You know, that
little baby... agh!

(laughing)

No worries.

I assumed you were coming.

The Bay Club needs a head count,

so I just needed to
know if you'd be alone.

I mean... if you
were bringing someone.

I mean... if... I knew
you and Amanda had brok...

You know what? I'm just gonna
put you down as a "plus-one."

You are coming, right?

Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Yay!

Oh, and guess who's gonna
be our ring bearer?

Wilfred?
Yeah!

I wouldn't be wedding
without our little sweetheart.

Which walk do you like
better for down the aisle:

This one?

Or this one?

The second one, right?

I don't really care.

Ryan, I've been on a
lot of walks in my life,

but this is the most
important, and the shortest.

What's your problem?

Have you seen the
way they are together?

So happy and perfect?

It's ridiculous.

You're jealous.

I'm not.
You are.

You want Jenna to be
your sweet, sweet baby,

but she loves Drew.

I'm not jealous, I'm just...

Sweet, sweet baby?
Really?

I like it.

Every time I see them smiling

and talking about their
stupid fairy-tale wedding

at the Bay Club...

it just reminds me
of everything I lost.

Amanda again?

I though we were over her.

Well, I'm not.

She's not dead.

Pick up the phone and call her.

I can't.

I'm... well,
you know what I am.

I-I can't bring her
into... this.

Well, then just admit
you're too much of a pussy

to let Amanda see the real you

and stop blaming Drew and
Jenna for your unhappiness.

Being happy is just like
being gay... it's a choice.

That's why they mean the same thing.

(loud barking)

Jesus!

Look at this piece of shit.

So full of anger and resentment

just because I'm exceptionally
handsome and living free.

His heart is so full of bitterness

that there's no room
for anything else.

You don't want to be like him, Ryan.

He's a bad, bad dog.

Yeah, I'm talking about you.

What's the matter, dude?
You've never seen

lipstick this big?
You keep yapping

and I'll smear it all over
your lips... whoo-hoo!

Uh, yeah...
we-we should probably go.

Hey, Tucker.
Hey, Loki.

Hey, Charlie.
Hey, George.

(clears throat) Jellybeans.

RYAN:
Come on, Wilfred.

Hey, you guys heard the big news?

I'm gonna be ring bearer
at Jenna's wedding.

I know!
It's gonna be awesome.

I mean, her fiancé's kind of a jerk,

but at least he lets me
watch him lay the pipe.

Hey, Ryan!

Who just shat?

Charlie...

(laughs)

So, what else has been happening?

Something wrong?

Jenna wants us to write
our own wedding vows,

and I'm having trouble
getting started.

I'll let you get to it.
Actually...

I was kind of hoping
you could help me out.

I'm-I'm not much of a writer.
Hey...

I don't need help
with the writing, just...

the inspiration, you know?

You got any "doobage," bro?

Oh, man...

I can't even remember
the last time I got high.

Yeah, we'd all love to smoke out,

we really do have work to do, so...

The least we can do is to
make sure his moronic vows

don't ruin her wedding.

Okay, here's what I'm thinking:

Drew comes out, right?

Before he even says a word,
he vanishes.

Then everyone's, like,
"Aw, shit!"

That was just a hologram of Drew.

Then Drew rides in on a panda

and Eddie Van Halen, he's just
like... (imitates guitar)

Actually, wait, what is
the budget for these vows?

Did you ever wonder
what it would be like

if Wilfred could talk?

I mean, look at him...

it's like he's trying to
tell us something right now.

(sighing)

Hey, what are you trying to say, boy?

Okay, what I'm saying is
we need to start work

on these vows.

Okay, uh, thank you.

That was tasty.

But about these vows, we...

Look, we really need to focus,

if we're gonna...

Okay, you know what?

If you need me, I'm going
to be in the other room.

Working.

DREW:
Oh, hey, don't tell Jenna

that I gave Wilfred junk food.

She'd kill me.

I doubt that.

You two seem to have a
pretty happy relationship.

We do.

Not that we haven't had our problems.

What do you mean?

I don't really like to talk about it.

Ah, that's cool.

I understand.

What were we talking about?

Uh, something about how
you and Jenna had a falling out,

or something...

Listen, you're a good friend.

I can trust you.

(coughs)

The thing is...
(sighs)

Jenna cheated on me.

What?!

Yeah... yeah...
we had a big fight and...

we didn't talk for, like, a week,

and it just happened.

Jesus!

No wonder you're having
trouble writing the vows.

Yeah... no!

That was a long time ago, and I...

completely forgave her.

The reason that I'm having trouble

is because she's so amazing...

that I can't find
the words to describe

how much I love her...

for loving me...

despite my faults.

That's great.

I mean, dude...
it took me a month

to come up with
the inscription on the ring.

It's only three words.

(wry laugh)

That's... really beautiful.

Oh, I just had a great idea.

You should walk
Wilfred down the aisle.

Oh... I...

Sure.

Nice. Nice.

Jenna's gonna be stoked.

No, no, you hold onto it.

You're a ring bearer now, bro.

This is bullshit!

I don't even want to go
to this wedding.

Now I'm the co-ring bearer?

Yeah... we need
to talk about your title.

Co-Ring Bearer makes it
sound like we're equals.

"Above all, love."

(scoffs) That's what it says.

Screw them.

I mean, basically, all you have to do

is follow me down
the aisle and make sure

my tail doesn't touch the ground.

I could live with Tail Holder,

and maybe Associate
Ring Bearer, but...

The hell with that.
I'm not going.

Fine! You can be
Co-Ring Bearer, you big baby!

This isn't fair, Wilfred.

They have cheating, anger issues,

but they're still madly
in love with each other.

Meanwhile, I can't even
have a relationship?

Wait a minute...

Drew cheated on Jenna?

She cheated on Drew.

(yells)

You shut your lying face vagina.

Jenna wouldn't cheat on anyone.

Whatever.
I'm still not going.

Well, you have to go.

You have the ring.

Good point.

You're the ring bearer, you take it.

No...

No...

Yeah.

No.
Will you hurry up?

Well, I can't do it
when you're watching.

It's just so typical.

You knew I'd need that ring
to back out of the wedding,

so you swallowed it.

How's this my fault?
You threw it.

I threw it for you to catch.

And catch it, I did.

And quite skillfully, I might add.

You throw like a girl.

If you ask me, I think
you wanted this to happen.

You won't be satisfied until
you've ruined Jenna's wedding.

I don't want to ruin it.

I just don't want to be there.

Well, if that's true,

why are you trying to
turn me against Jenna

by calling her a cheater?

Because, according to Drew,
she is a cheater.

Oh, come on, Ryan.

If Jenna's capable
of cheating on Drew,

then she's capable of cheating on me,

and we both know Jenna would
never pet another dog.

Are you telling me
you've never smelled

another dog on Jenna's hands?

Yeah, that... but
that's just from her

pushing other dogs away.

JENNA:
Hey, guys!

Hey, Wilfred!

Hey, babe.

What, have you been at
the grocery store all this time?

Hey, you... (laughing)

Aw...

Looks like someone missed you.

Either that, or he smells Rocky

from the pet store.

(inhaling) The pet store?!

You didn't mention anything
about going to the pet store.

Who the hell's Rocky?

Hey, you got that ring somewhere safe?

Oh, yeah... yeah...

As soon as they're gone,
you need to shit.

How can I even think
about shitting right now?

I just found out Jenna's
been down at the pet store,

sucking another dog's dick.

No, she didn't.
She just petted him.

It's the same thing, Ryan.

I mean, what's this
Rocky got that I haven't?

(anxious gasping)

Papers...

Oh, God!

(anxious gasping)

How can I compete with a purebred?

Wilfred, relax.

How do you even know Rocky's a dog?

Maybe he's just a guy
working at the pet store.

(relieved laughter)

Of course.
That makes perfect sense.

He probably just gave her
a friendly hug

to thank her for making a purchase.

I know Jenna would never cheat on me.

(Jenna laughing)

Oh, yeah, you like
that, don't you? Oh!

(Jenna's laughter echoing)

(passionate moaning)

(moaning louder, more passionately)

Hey, buddy.

You want to go outside to play?

Maybe take that shit?

Ryan, I just watched Jenna
take it in the hands

from every guy in the neighborhood.

I ain't going anywhere.

She pet a few dogs.

So what?

I've seen you get petted
by hundreds of people.

It's different, I'm a dude!

Plus, did you see those guys?

I mean, Tucker
I can kind of understand.

He featured on a clever greeting card.

But Jellybeans?

His mother is his sister.

I'm gonna be sick.

Ryan...

Ears, Ryan, ears!

God.

Right. No ring.

That would be too easy.

I'm done messing around, Wilfred.

Put that down and let's go outside.

I don't feel like going out.

God damn it!
Why won't you just shit for me?

Because I can't! Ow...

Why? Do you have
a bowel obstruction?

No.

I have my pride.

(farting with each step)

Screw it.

Where are you going?

I'm done playing your games.

If the only way
I'm gonna skip that wedding

is to buy Drew a new ring,
then so be it.

Tell him I'm not going either.

To the wedding or the bathroom.

Ever!

This cannot be good for me.

Hello? Drew?

Oh, hey.

Sorry, I'll-I'll just
come back later.

No, that's okay.
Uh, we were just...

Putting away my camping stuff.

Let me just... um...

get this sleeping bag.

I'll get the rest later.

What's up, bro?

Actually, uh, I-I'm glad
you're both here.

Just wanted to talk
to you about your wedding.

Oh, good.

Um, now that you're
in the wedding party...

which is so amazing, by the way...

we need to go
over what you'll be wearing.

Wait here, I-I want to
show you something.

Everything okay, buddy?
Yeah.

Hey, while I've got you alone,

I was looking at that ring.

It's really beautiful.

If you don't mind my asking,

how much does something
like that cost?

I don't know.

About $50?

That's it?

Yeah, when my grandfather
bought it back in 1950.

My Nana gave it to me when
she heard I was engaged.

She was hoping to be here in person

to see it on Jenna's finger, but...

I guess God had other plans.

WILFRED:
Jenna!

Jenna!

Where is she?

Where's that cheating whore?

Wilfred, calm down!

I should calm down?
You should calm up!

You're about to marry

the neighborhood slut

and you don't even care!

♪ Here comes the bride... ♪

So... what do you think?

I think you've got some balls
wearing white!

I will have my honor!

Wilfred, no!
(screams)

Oh, my God!

Call 911!

Just don't move...
DREW: Ow!

Wilfred, you bad dog!
Bad dog!

Bad girl!

DREW: Ow...
Just stay calm, just stay calm.

I hate you, happy kids!

Yeah, keep moving, you little...

(farts)

tiny-balled bastards.

Wilfred.

What are you doing here?

This is my home now.

You heard Jenna.

I'm a bad dog.

Jenna was upset.

Drew was shot in the leg.

Look, if you're missing when she
gets back from the hospital,

she's gonna be worried sick.

It's nothing that a handful
of Jellybeans won't cure.

This is insane.

When did ensuring Jenna
and Drew's happiness

become my full-time job?

I just want to return that ring

and forget about this whole wedding!

She doesn't even deserve
a wedding ring.

Not after how she betrayed me.

So, what, you're just
never gonna shit again?

I've done a lot of good shits
in my life, Ryan.

I'll have my memories.

Holding all that stuff inside
isn't hurting Jenna,

it's hurting you.

You gonna carry around
that pain forever?

What about all the shit
you're holding inside?

You can't hate Drew and Jenna
because they're happy!

This isn't about me, it's about you!

Just let it go...
Just let it go...

and get on with your life!
And get on with your life!

(barking)

Wilfred, you need to get out of there.

Ryan!
Open the gate for me!!

I'm trying!

I want my mommy!

Oh.
(squirting noise)

Are you all right?

Yeah...

Wilfred, look!
The ring!

Oh. Huh?
Here.

Here, get out through here.

Come on.

Where is it?

No!

Calm down, I'm just cleaning it.

Ugh.

Wilfred!

Wilfy!

Oh...

Oh, Wilfy, oh...

You must have been so scared!

I am so, so sorry I yelled at
you, my sweet, sweet baby.

Get a good look, boys!
She pet you once,

but who sleeps on her bed every night?

I'm looking at you, Jellybeans.

Thanks a lot, bro.
We owe you one.

No problem.

How's your leg?

I, um, gotta get surgery on Saturday.

But Saturday is...
Yeah.

Which means we're losing the
Bay Club and all our deposits.

Plus, my dress is ruined.

We're just gonna get married

in a civil ceremony at the courthouse.

But what about my walk down the aisle?

I'm so sorry.

Ah, don't be.

I still get to marry

the nicest, prettiest
girl in the world,

and spend my life with her, too.

Aw...

That's just the painkillers talking.

No, it's not, Jenna-ration X.

(Jenna laughs)

You're not getting married
at the courthouse.

I'm throwing you a wedding.

We can have it in my backyard.

And Kristen has a beautiful
dress that you can borrow.

Ryan, that's so sweet, but...

I won't take no for an answer.

Nothing would make me happier
than to watch the two of you

walk down that aisle together.

(screams, laughs)

Thank you so much, Ryan!

(giggling)

Oh!

And don't worry, Wilfred.

You can walk down that aisle, too.

(screams)

Uh, thanks, Ryan.

JENNA:
We should get you inside.

Thank you, Ryan.

Look at them.

So happy together.

I hope I can be lucky enough

to have something like that one day.

JENNA:
Wilfred!

That's up to you, mate.

Ryan, I redid Drew's vows.

Um, do you mind if I just
bounce them off you?

Sure.

"Jenna, you've got a smile,
it seems to me,

"reminds me of childhood memories,

"where everything was as fresh

as the bright blue sky."

You wrote that?

Yeah, I did.

It's beautiful.

Keep going.

"Now and then when I see your face,

"you take me away to
that special place,

and if I stay too long..."

Wait. Wait, those are the lyrics
to "Sweet Child O' Mine."

No, they're not.

This comes from the heart.

"Guitar solo?"

I'll just keep working on 'em.

I guess I'd want it
to be when I'm really old,

surrounded by my family.

I'd close my eyes,

and... drift away.

What about you?

I was seeing it more like
five or six years from now,

after the fall of society,
when robots rule the earth,

and, like, the zoos have fallen apart

so the animals are, like,
viciously hunting people down.

And this leopard finds you
in this mud hole...

Finds me?

Yeah, hiding from the robots

who sodomized your sister.

And the leopard, he just like
bites your head off.

Wait, I thought we were
talking about ways that

we wanted to die.

No, we... we're talking about
ways we want you to die.

I don't want to die.

Is this my T-shirt?

Oh, yeah.

You can have that back now.

Thanks.

Is it dirty?

Did you pull it out of the laundry?

I was lonely this morning,

and I wanted something near me
that smelt like you,

so I took the T-shirt

out of the laundry basket

and I snuggled up with it.

Wow.

That's actually kind of sweet.

And made love on it.