Wild West (2002–2004): Season 1, Episode 4 - Tin, Tin, Tin - full transcript
What makes wind?
- We should know this.
- Yeah.
I want to say "moon".
Poor Holly, having that
blow through her window.
Probably glad of a visitor. She's up
in that witchcraft centre all on her own.
Except for 800 books about goblins.
It's a mystery. You've got Plain Janes
like Stephen Hawking marrying his mistress,
and pretty things like Holly can't get arrested.
You know who
she should hook up with? Harry.
Innit? Holly and Harry.
Holly and Harry.
Do you know what I'd like to see?
I'd like to see Harry and Holly having sex.
I would. I'd like to see them rutting away
like little wild dingoes.
I'd like to see...
This is a Devonshire hare's foot, which has
properties of invisibility and hair growth.
Are you kids peeing in the toaster again?
Good morning to you all.
Can you all hear me?
- Yes.
- You can do better than that.
- Can you hear me?
- Yes.
I've been in contact
with the Cornish Electricity Board.
There's a break in the electricity supply
resulting in what they refer to as a power cut.
They asked me to stress it's not their fault
and offered some advice.
"Move to Devon."
No, their advice was, "Don't ring us
or try to contact us in any way.
"Above all, don't use the help number.
"We want the power on as much as you do,"
they said, "probably more."
- Questions?
- Where's the proper policeman?
I am the proper policeman. Any questions?
How widespread
is the power cut?
It stretches from St Gweep up to Tremwack,
across to Panters—Hargard
and parts of Widclicker.
The police station
is having its Open Day on Saturday.
A chance to play in the cells,
throw a wet sponge at a police dog,
create your own scumbag on Photofit.
Thank you.
- This is rather lovely.
- It is so quiet,
you can hear the wind rustling
in the sycamores up the Goonhilly Road.
- No, that's Jeff at the barbecue.
-.
How's he doing?
What is it?
I'm not sure Vesta Baked Alaska
will barbecue too well.
Candlelight makes everybody look beautiful.
- Not so much you, Jake.
- No.
- I'm going to the too.
- No, no, leave that one.
OK.
- Hey!
- Hang on!
All right.
Left a bit, Hol. Yeah, you got it.
Nice and quiet,
without the machines and the jukebox.
Yeah.
# 'Twas a big, deep mine
# Full of slivers of tin
# But the winches were old
and the windings were thin
# I told the foreman
but he Laughed in my face
# So 16 men perished
# And no one got
# Compensa—a—a—a—tion.
# Tin—tin—tin—tin—tin... #
No, Jake. No, no, no.
- Not singing?
- No.
- We could play Hobbledeeha.
- Yes!
- What's that?
- It's here somewhere.
- 'Ere, go on.
- Yeah.
Harry...
- ..what do you think about Holly?
- She's nice.
- Top tits.
- Do you have a girlfriend?
I've always got a shag or two up and running.
Is that a satisfying lifestyle, Harry?
I think I know what the answer will be.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Yeah. Any chance of you
experimenting with a Less...
- What's the word?
- Fun?
Fun. A less fun style of relationship?
Maybe, if the right girl comes along.
Someone special.
Forgetting for a moment
that Holly runs a witchcraft centre,
and may well indeed be
a wickedy weirdy witch,
what about Holly?
No, it wouldn't work.
I've been out with weird women.
Try and end it and they come
at you with something sharp.
Or you find drawings of yourself in their bag.
Yeah, but Holly isn't weird, is she?
Holly's scratching at the door.
Let her out, please.
Hobbledeeha. Quite a game, this.
There's the old parping staff.
Right!
Does the hobble go inside
or outside the mumbling plate?
Always outside.
Right.
Spicy Thai lunch?
Angela.
Iceland soy—based goujon meal for one?
That'll be Holly.
In the words of "The Two Ronnies"
and the Police Disciplinary Board,
there's good news and bad news.
The good news is that neighbouring villages
now have power.
There's dancing in the streets of Tremwack.
The bad news is the crucial computerised
control gubbins which serves St Gweep
has blown away in the wind and is now lost.
Another is on order from Reading,
but it's complex tackle and a bitch to make,
so there'll be no power for a few days.
I know, but I urge you to look
at the positive side of power failure.
Now, may I offer you a suggestion?
- Must you?
- Appoint a power cut tsar
to co—ordinate the community and protect
the weak and the old and the useless.
Who'd like to volunteer to do that job?
Come on. I know
some of you'd do the job very well.
Others less so.
Angela?
- She's only a little girl!
- Not that Angela. Angela Phillips up top.
Me?
- I'd be delighted!
- Thank you.
- Does anyone have a generator?
- No.
- Yes, he does!
- Why?
- Do you have one?
- I might have.
You may seize that
for community use, Angela.
I have every faith that you will pull together
and make this a triumph of community spirit.
It's funny how -
well, not funny, but interesting
or at least noteworthy -
how in adversity people dig deep
into their reserves of -
shall we dub it resolve or inner strength?
They emerge from that digging
with something special.
I'm just nipping out in the van to buy up
all the candles and batteries in the area.
It's called spirit.
See, alarm bells always ring for me
when I see someone making a list of lists.
This could be the making of this village.
So exciting!
Yeah. Fantastic. It's all the fun of the Blitz.
Without the enforced community singing.
- I've got a power cut sing—song.
- I spoke too soon.
This is really bringing St Gweep together.
Tragically, you're right.
It's putting a smile on people's faces.
All we need now is a touch of cholera
and people will be giggling in the streets.
People on the "vulnerable" list
get a power cut buddy.
Crap idea.
Jeff's on barbecue duty for people
who get listless if they eat cold food.
Listless? You'll be all right, then.
I'm leading a workshop
on conquering fear of the dark.
- That's one of your phobias.
- Me? God, no. I'm fine.
Good.
Do you ever get that thing in the dark
when you can't tell where your body ends
and darkness begins?
As though you're a brain and two eyes
floating in a black sea.
Just an endless black sea.
No, no, I don't.
- What are you doing?
- Scraping off this candle wax.
- I spilt some.
- Nasty!
No, it's all right.
I love that!
Lovely.
Yeah.
Sorry! Do you want to have a go?
No, no.
Right, I'm off on my rounds.
- Yeah.
- See you!
Bye.
Big one.
God, that's lovely.
Yes!
Clipboard, check.
Torch, check. OK!
- Everything OK?
- What do you think?
Good. On your way now.
Holly? Holly?
Come on! Don't let me down now!
No, that just Lights up my face.
# Tin
# Tin, tin, tin
# Tin
# Tin... #
My God.
Can we go home now?!
Jake's house!
It's Jake's house!
There you are. The shower's on the left.
Hi.
Just doing my rounds,
checking everything's OK.
- Yeah, we're fine.
- Can I come in, please? I, er...
I need to sit down.
Yeah, we get a lot of distressed folk here.
We're creatures of the light.
We're like plants.
Speak for yourself. No, I'm fine.
- I just need new batteries.
- There. Five pounds.
No, I'll go without, thank you.
Evening.
Angela.
Can I ask you all to sign my clipboard
to indicate your power cut status?
I am the tsar.
Hi, Holly!
- How are you?
- Great.
- You're not really.
- I am. I just had a shower.
You're a category "A" person
'cause you Live alone,
haven't got a partner and your bedroom
window's been boarded up.
- Right.
- So I'm allocating you a power cut buddy,
who is Harry.
I'd like you to share with Harry
in his camper van.
- Really?
- Leave in your own time, obviously.
Well done.
How are things?
I couldn't Live in a house any more.
I bet not. God, you can be too...
What? Too nice?
Too nice, yeah.
No, not nice as such, I just, er...
...need to be able to take off and go.
When did you last take off?
- Four years ago. Is it your first time here?
- Yep.
You didn't come to my toga party?
- No. How did you fit everybody in?
- It was a bit tight.
That was the point. Guys and girls in togas
having to rub up.
OK. Sleeping.
How are we gonna do this?
How are we gonna do this?
I sleep in this bed here,
and you sleep in that one there.
Yep, that would work.
I don't use this other one much.
It's tied quite tightly to that.
So, are you seeing anyone at the moment?
No, no, I'm not.
Too dark!
My working at the Witchcraft Centre
is putting men off. They think I'm weird.
That's so shallow.
So shallow it's like adding
two and two and making 897.
But I am so independent now.
I love being by myself.
- Yeah?
- No, not really.
So what's like the weirdest thing
you've ever done?
- How weird do you want?
- The weirdest, so I know.
Well...
I once went to Marks and Spencer in Truro
and bought a blouse.
You know, a nice blouse like an aunty wears.
Didn't I hear that you organised a thing
where people danced
in a rainbow formed by the moon?
- Yeah, but which is weirder?
- The moon rainbow one!
Really? OK.
I am completely normal.
Listen, why don't we both sleep here?
I'll make sure we don't touch
if we don't want to
- by putting a pillow down the middle.
- OK.
- An imaginary pillow.
- Imaginary one?
Real, imaginary, whatever.
- Hobble!
- Parp!
Hobbledeeha!
"If" by Rudyard Kipling.
"If you can keep your head
while all about you are losing theirs..."
Please yourself!
I'm gonna kill 'em.
I remember when
Daphne and me started going out.
- Al lover each other.
- I bet.
In the end, I had to lie inside her
for hours on end.
If we'd stopped, we'd only want
to start again. Obsession.
- Like the two lovers in that Japanese thing.
- "Tenko"?
"Empire of the Senses."
She cuts off his penis at the end.
- Just at the end?
- That's neither clever nor funny in Cornwall.
She says it is considered funny.
Or she may just be hungry. I don't know.
- Everyone's getting a bit smelly, aren't they?
- Yep, I know I am. I quite like it.
I refuse to pay old Jake
five quid for a shower.
I'd rather fester.
Glad his bloody generator exploded.
He's profiting from a crisis.
I, for one, don't like it.
Why are you charging £2 for a tiny candle?
Market forces, Jeff.
I can't combat those forces.
I wish I could.
- Have you met my new bird?
- That's me.
Watch out, the honey monster's about!
Harry's jealous 'cause
he doesn't have breasts.
I've got these!
- We've added a verse to our song.
- Wanna hear it?
No!
# The Holly and the Harry
# They met and went to bed
# Now their Lives are full and Lovely ones
# ..HOLLY— head. #
No, Harry's Holly... What was it, Hazza?
- Don't bother. Nobody's interested.
- Tell Mary.
Go on.
- Tell her.
- Tell me or I'll put this glass in your face!
We're getting a tandem.
Get the gun.
Candlelight! How friggin' romantic
Do you need my "Things to do
to kick out the blues" list?
Puzzle book?
It's here if you change your mind.
I wish I'd gone to stay at my mother's.
And that's not a sentence
I plan to ever use again!
Have you been drinking?
I have come up with an idea
of how we can all stop smelling.
What about if the electricity comes back on
and we can all get in the cockin' shower?
I've organised a mass swim
in the sea tomorrow.
That's absolutely brilliant
We're only feeling cold...
What is the matter with you?
This is supposed to be our finest hour!
This is our Dunkirk! I'm head girl again!
Sorry.
I'm glad you're enjoying it.
Holly and Harry are pissing me off
'cause they're so loving.
Did I want to watch them having sex? Now
I want to watch them being pecked by owls.
We took two reasonable people
and created one hideous monster.
- Richard and Judy, all over again.
- It will pass.
- They'll end up like us.
- I have to split them up.
I like some cakes,
- Me, too, if it's not too dry.
- I hate dry cake.
- Beep—beep!
- Ring—ring!
— Who is it?
— Campervan Magazine's row/fig reporter:
- Hello!
- Hello!
Sorry to call so Late,
but I'm on power cut duty.
I've got the Honey Monster
and she's all snuggly.
Stop all that!
So, this is the bed, then.
It's had so many
girls' bottoms on it, hasn't it?
- Not really.
- There must be enough female DNA here
to create a small girls' school
and a few netball teams.
What would this bed say if it could speak?
It would say...
That's silly, 'cause beds can't speak.
So, Harry, how's your Gina?
- Who?
- You've forgotten Gina already?
Shame. What about Ruth? Heard from her?
- I've never been out with a Ruth.
- Ruthy. She fell off your tandem.
- Sorry?
- Ruthy, who had your baby.
- What baby?
- God. Well.
I'm just glad I didn't
get pregnant that time, HoLs?
Anyway, I must go. Holly, before I go,
- can you do one of your spells for me?
- No.
Do that one that gives men you hate
big black scabs on their face.
- Pussy black scabs.
- That isn't a spell.
- Harry liked that sort of thing.
- OK.
You haven't got any of that potion, have you?
That warts potion you made.
You said it helped cure your...
Right.
I'll pick some up off you tomorrow. I'm
coming to see your pickled babies exhibit.
So, anyway, good night, lovebirds.
- It's cold! Can we get out now?
- Have you washed behind your ears?
- Why aren't you in the water?
- Think, Roger.
Power cut tsar.
I've gotta be near my clipboard.
- You've got shampoo behind your ear, er...
- Holly!
- I know your name!
- Thank you!
- Get off!
- Gonna turn me into a frog?
- No, you'd have to be a prince for that!
- Sorry, I've peed.
Sorry!
Well done, Holly!
That's it, run around, keep warm.
Which is your towel, Roger? The blue one?
Can you listen, everyone?
Can you fill out the questionnaire?
Before you go.
That's great, yes! Well done!
What is electricity, then?
I want to say "atoms".
- Why?
- Don't know.
It's quiet.
When did the last person come in?
Three hours ago.
And that was?
You.
- Shall we call it a day?
- Yep.
- I feel a bit bad about Harry and Holly.
- Yeah, me too.
All goes to prove there's nothing
more annoying than really happy people.
I rather like it like this.
That's nice!
You'll have to go back to being a shopkeeper.
Well, with a bit of luck
there'll be another crisis.
I'd be very good in a drought.
Or a small tidal wave.
We'll need sandbags, but I've made a list.
What's the first thing we'll do
when we get in?
I dunno. Let me think.
- Let me think.
- No, let me think.
Well, might as well go to bed.
- There's nothing else to do.
- No.
I'll give you a tick up the Legs.
# We've got a special kind of love
# The kind that toughens you up
# That you're never sure of
# And it's not enough
# Out where the sunsets hover
# We tear apart each other
# All day, you got me going
# There's no way I'll let you know it
# That's OK 'cause we're as good as it gets
# In the Wild West, #
- We should know this.
- Yeah.
I want to say "moon".
Poor Holly, having that
blow through her window.
Probably glad of a visitor. She's up
in that witchcraft centre all on her own.
Except for 800 books about goblins.
It's a mystery. You've got Plain Janes
like Stephen Hawking marrying his mistress,
and pretty things like Holly can't get arrested.
You know who
she should hook up with? Harry.
Innit? Holly and Harry.
Holly and Harry.
Do you know what I'd like to see?
I'd like to see Harry and Holly having sex.
I would. I'd like to see them rutting away
like little wild dingoes.
I'd like to see...
This is a Devonshire hare's foot, which has
properties of invisibility and hair growth.
Are you kids peeing in the toaster again?
Good morning to you all.
Can you all hear me?
- Yes.
- You can do better than that.
- Can you hear me?
- Yes.
I've been in contact
with the Cornish Electricity Board.
There's a break in the electricity supply
resulting in what they refer to as a power cut.
They asked me to stress it's not their fault
and offered some advice.
"Move to Devon."
No, their advice was, "Don't ring us
or try to contact us in any way.
"Above all, don't use the help number.
"We want the power on as much as you do,"
they said, "probably more."
- Questions?
- Where's the proper policeman?
I am the proper policeman. Any questions?
How widespread
is the power cut?
It stretches from St Gweep up to Tremwack,
across to Panters—Hargard
and parts of Widclicker.
The police station
is having its Open Day on Saturday.
A chance to play in the cells,
throw a wet sponge at a police dog,
create your own scumbag on Photofit.
Thank you.
- This is rather lovely.
- It is so quiet,
you can hear the wind rustling
in the sycamores up the Goonhilly Road.
- No, that's Jeff at the barbecue.
-.
How's he doing?
What is it?
I'm not sure Vesta Baked Alaska
will barbecue too well.
Candlelight makes everybody look beautiful.
- Not so much you, Jake.
- No.
- I'm going to the too.
- No, no, leave that one.
OK.
- Hey!
- Hang on!
All right.
Left a bit, Hol. Yeah, you got it.
Nice and quiet,
without the machines and the jukebox.
Yeah.
# 'Twas a big, deep mine
# Full of slivers of tin
# But the winches were old
and the windings were thin
# I told the foreman
but he Laughed in my face
# So 16 men perished
# And no one got
# Compensa—a—a—a—tion.
# Tin—tin—tin—tin—tin... #
No, Jake. No, no, no.
- Not singing?
- No.
- We could play Hobbledeeha.
- Yes!
- What's that?
- It's here somewhere.
- 'Ere, go on.
- Yeah.
Harry...
- ..what do you think about Holly?
- She's nice.
- Top tits.
- Do you have a girlfriend?
I've always got a shag or two up and running.
Is that a satisfying lifestyle, Harry?
I think I know what the answer will be.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Yeah. Any chance of you
experimenting with a Less...
- What's the word?
- Fun?
Fun. A less fun style of relationship?
Maybe, if the right girl comes along.
Someone special.
Forgetting for a moment
that Holly runs a witchcraft centre,
and may well indeed be
a wickedy weirdy witch,
what about Holly?
No, it wouldn't work.
I've been out with weird women.
Try and end it and they come
at you with something sharp.
Or you find drawings of yourself in their bag.
Yeah, but Holly isn't weird, is she?
Holly's scratching at the door.
Let her out, please.
Hobbledeeha. Quite a game, this.
There's the old parping staff.
Right!
Does the hobble go inside
or outside the mumbling plate?
Always outside.
Right.
Spicy Thai lunch?
Angela.
Iceland soy—based goujon meal for one?
That'll be Holly.
In the words of "The Two Ronnies"
and the Police Disciplinary Board,
there's good news and bad news.
The good news is that neighbouring villages
now have power.
There's dancing in the streets of Tremwack.
The bad news is the crucial computerised
control gubbins which serves St Gweep
has blown away in the wind and is now lost.
Another is on order from Reading,
but it's complex tackle and a bitch to make,
so there'll be no power for a few days.
I know, but I urge you to look
at the positive side of power failure.
Now, may I offer you a suggestion?
- Must you?
- Appoint a power cut tsar
to co—ordinate the community and protect
the weak and the old and the useless.
Who'd like to volunteer to do that job?
Come on. I know
some of you'd do the job very well.
Others less so.
Angela?
- She's only a little girl!
- Not that Angela. Angela Phillips up top.
Me?
- I'd be delighted!
- Thank you.
- Does anyone have a generator?
- No.
- Yes, he does!
- Why?
- Do you have one?
- I might have.
You may seize that
for community use, Angela.
I have every faith that you will pull together
and make this a triumph of community spirit.
It's funny how -
well, not funny, but interesting
or at least noteworthy -
how in adversity people dig deep
into their reserves of -
shall we dub it resolve or inner strength?
They emerge from that digging
with something special.
I'm just nipping out in the van to buy up
all the candles and batteries in the area.
It's called spirit.
See, alarm bells always ring for me
when I see someone making a list of lists.
This could be the making of this village.
So exciting!
Yeah. Fantastic. It's all the fun of the Blitz.
Without the enforced community singing.
- I've got a power cut sing—song.
- I spoke too soon.
This is really bringing St Gweep together.
Tragically, you're right.
It's putting a smile on people's faces.
All we need now is a touch of cholera
and people will be giggling in the streets.
People on the "vulnerable" list
get a power cut buddy.
Crap idea.
Jeff's on barbecue duty for people
who get listless if they eat cold food.
Listless? You'll be all right, then.
I'm leading a workshop
on conquering fear of the dark.
- That's one of your phobias.
- Me? God, no. I'm fine.
Good.
Do you ever get that thing in the dark
when you can't tell where your body ends
and darkness begins?
As though you're a brain and two eyes
floating in a black sea.
Just an endless black sea.
No, no, I don't.
- What are you doing?
- Scraping off this candle wax.
- I spilt some.
- Nasty!
No, it's all right.
I love that!
Lovely.
Yeah.
Sorry! Do you want to have a go?
No, no.
Right, I'm off on my rounds.
- Yeah.
- See you!
Bye.
Big one.
God, that's lovely.
Yes!
Clipboard, check.
Torch, check. OK!
- Everything OK?
- What do you think?
Good. On your way now.
Holly? Holly?
Come on! Don't let me down now!
No, that just Lights up my face.
# Tin
# Tin, tin, tin
# Tin
# Tin... #
My God.
Can we go home now?!
Jake's house!
It's Jake's house!
There you are. The shower's on the left.
Hi.
Just doing my rounds,
checking everything's OK.
- Yeah, we're fine.
- Can I come in, please? I, er...
I need to sit down.
Yeah, we get a lot of distressed folk here.
We're creatures of the light.
We're like plants.
Speak for yourself. No, I'm fine.
- I just need new batteries.
- There. Five pounds.
No, I'll go without, thank you.
Evening.
Angela.
Can I ask you all to sign my clipboard
to indicate your power cut status?
I am the tsar.
Hi, Holly!
- How are you?
- Great.
- You're not really.
- I am. I just had a shower.
You're a category "A" person
'cause you Live alone,
haven't got a partner and your bedroom
window's been boarded up.
- Right.
- So I'm allocating you a power cut buddy,
who is Harry.
I'd like you to share with Harry
in his camper van.
- Really?
- Leave in your own time, obviously.
Well done.
How are things?
I couldn't Live in a house any more.
I bet not. God, you can be too...
What? Too nice?
Too nice, yeah.
No, not nice as such, I just, er...
...need to be able to take off and go.
When did you last take off?
- Four years ago. Is it your first time here?
- Yep.
You didn't come to my toga party?
- No. How did you fit everybody in?
- It was a bit tight.
That was the point. Guys and girls in togas
having to rub up.
OK. Sleeping.
How are we gonna do this?
How are we gonna do this?
I sleep in this bed here,
and you sleep in that one there.
Yep, that would work.
I don't use this other one much.
It's tied quite tightly to that.
So, are you seeing anyone at the moment?
No, no, I'm not.
Too dark!
My working at the Witchcraft Centre
is putting men off. They think I'm weird.
That's so shallow.
So shallow it's like adding
two and two and making 897.
But I am so independent now.
I love being by myself.
- Yeah?
- No, not really.
So what's like the weirdest thing
you've ever done?
- How weird do you want?
- The weirdest, so I know.
Well...
I once went to Marks and Spencer in Truro
and bought a blouse.
You know, a nice blouse like an aunty wears.
Didn't I hear that you organised a thing
where people danced
in a rainbow formed by the moon?
- Yeah, but which is weirder?
- The moon rainbow one!
Really? OK.
I am completely normal.
Listen, why don't we both sleep here?
I'll make sure we don't touch
if we don't want to
- by putting a pillow down the middle.
- OK.
- An imaginary pillow.
- Imaginary one?
Real, imaginary, whatever.
- Hobble!
- Parp!
Hobbledeeha!
"If" by Rudyard Kipling.
"If you can keep your head
while all about you are losing theirs..."
Please yourself!
I'm gonna kill 'em.
I remember when
Daphne and me started going out.
- Al lover each other.
- I bet.
In the end, I had to lie inside her
for hours on end.
If we'd stopped, we'd only want
to start again. Obsession.
- Like the two lovers in that Japanese thing.
- "Tenko"?
"Empire of the Senses."
She cuts off his penis at the end.
- Just at the end?
- That's neither clever nor funny in Cornwall.
She says it is considered funny.
Or she may just be hungry. I don't know.
- Everyone's getting a bit smelly, aren't they?
- Yep, I know I am. I quite like it.
I refuse to pay old Jake
five quid for a shower.
I'd rather fester.
Glad his bloody generator exploded.
He's profiting from a crisis.
I, for one, don't like it.
Why are you charging £2 for a tiny candle?
Market forces, Jeff.
I can't combat those forces.
I wish I could.
- Have you met my new bird?
- That's me.
Watch out, the honey monster's about!
Harry's jealous 'cause
he doesn't have breasts.
I've got these!
- We've added a verse to our song.
- Wanna hear it?
No!
# The Holly and the Harry
# They met and went to bed
# Now their Lives are full and Lovely ones
# ..HOLLY— head. #
No, Harry's Holly... What was it, Hazza?
- Don't bother. Nobody's interested.
- Tell Mary.
Go on.
- Tell her.
- Tell me or I'll put this glass in your face!
We're getting a tandem.
Get the gun.
Candlelight! How friggin' romantic
Do you need my "Things to do
to kick out the blues" list?
Puzzle book?
It's here if you change your mind.
I wish I'd gone to stay at my mother's.
And that's not a sentence
I plan to ever use again!
Have you been drinking?
I have come up with an idea
of how we can all stop smelling.
What about if the electricity comes back on
and we can all get in the cockin' shower?
I've organised a mass swim
in the sea tomorrow.
That's absolutely brilliant
We're only feeling cold...
What is the matter with you?
This is supposed to be our finest hour!
This is our Dunkirk! I'm head girl again!
Sorry.
I'm glad you're enjoying it.
Holly and Harry are pissing me off
'cause they're so loving.
Did I want to watch them having sex? Now
I want to watch them being pecked by owls.
We took two reasonable people
and created one hideous monster.
- Richard and Judy, all over again.
- It will pass.
- They'll end up like us.
- I have to split them up.
I like some cakes,
- Me, too, if it's not too dry.
- I hate dry cake.
- Beep—beep!
- Ring—ring!
— Who is it?
— Campervan Magazine's row/fig reporter:
- Hello!
- Hello!
Sorry to call so Late,
but I'm on power cut duty.
I've got the Honey Monster
and she's all snuggly.
Stop all that!
So, this is the bed, then.
It's had so many
girls' bottoms on it, hasn't it?
- Not really.
- There must be enough female DNA here
to create a small girls' school
and a few netball teams.
What would this bed say if it could speak?
It would say...
That's silly, 'cause beds can't speak.
So, Harry, how's your Gina?
- Who?
- You've forgotten Gina already?
Shame. What about Ruth? Heard from her?
- I've never been out with a Ruth.
- Ruthy. She fell off your tandem.
- Sorry?
- Ruthy, who had your baby.
- What baby?
- God. Well.
I'm just glad I didn't
get pregnant that time, HoLs?
Anyway, I must go. Holly, before I go,
- can you do one of your spells for me?
- No.
Do that one that gives men you hate
big black scabs on their face.
- Pussy black scabs.
- That isn't a spell.
- Harry liked that sort of thing.
- OK.
You haven't got any of that potion, have you?
That warts potion you made.
You said it helped cure your...
Right.
I'll pick some up off you tomorrow. I'm
coming to see your pickled babies exhibit.
So, anyway, good night, lovebirds.
- It's cold! Can we get out now?
- Have you washed behind your ears?
- Why aren't you in the water?
- Think, Roger.
Power cut tsar.
I've gotta be near my clipboard.
- You've got shampoo behind your ear, er...
- Holly!
- I know your name!
- Thank you!
- Get off!
- Gonna turn me into a frog?
- No, you'd have to be a prince for that!
- Sorry, I've peed.
Sorry!
Well done, Holly!
That's it, run around, keep warm.
Which is your towel, Roger? The blue one?
Can you listen, everyone?
Can you fill out the questionnaire?
Before you go.
That's great, yes! Well done!
What is electricity, then?
I want to say "atoms".
- Why?
- Don't know.
It's quiet.
When did the last person come in?
Three hours ago.
And that was?
You.
- Shall we call it a day?
- Yep.
- I feel a bit bad about Harry and Holly.
- Yeah, me too.
All goes to prove there's nothing
more annoying than really happy people.
I rather like it like this.
That's nice!
You'll have to go back to being a shopkeeper.
Well, with a bit of luck
there'll be another crisis.
I'd be very good in a drought.
Or a small tidal wave.
We'll need sandbags, but I've made a list.
What's the first thing we'll do
when we get in?
I dunno. Let me think.
- Let me think.
- No, let me think.
Well, might as well go to bed.
- There's nothing else to do.
- No.
I'll give you a tick up the Legs.
# We've got a special kind of love
# The kind that toughens you up
# That you're never sure of
# And it's not enough
# Out where the sunsets hover
# We tear apart each other
# All day, you got me going
# There's no way I'll let you know it
# That's OK 'cause we're as good as it gets
# In the Wild West, #