Wild West (2002–2004): Season 1, Episode 3 - Swingers - full transcript

It's a terrible time to be a fisherman.

Terrible time.

Night time?

Nowadays.

People don't want boats any more.

I'm a dinosaur.

I've wasted my life.

Do you know what I do when I'm feeling sad?

I buy everybody in the pub a big drink.

I've been on my own for too long.

All my life alone.



When I am feeling sad, or paranoid,

I say to my... Or psychotic...

I say to myself... Try this.

"Well, at least I'm not Jake.

" Jeff.

"At least I'm not Jeff."

Jeff...

Can I buy Jake a drink, please?

And you!

- What's going on upstairs?
- Just some...people. Two couples.

Nice couple.
Keep themselves to themselves.

- they're into swinging, Jeff and Daphne.
- No!

Yep, they send the kids
to trapeze camp at Tintagel,

Daphne turns up the heating, on goes the
mucky video, bowl of condoms on the table.



- How do you know?
- In Cornwall,

you can't sit on someone's face in Liskeard
without somebody knowing in Padstow.

Need any firelighters?

Or a shoe caddy?
Shoes go in the compartments.

sandals, born, in. Slippers, born, in.
Everyone in Pemp's got one.

- No?
- About the swinging.

Jeff asked me once.

I said no, I don't want to see the wife
doing something wobbly

- with some rep Jeff met at a brewery do.
- Yeah.

- Hi, Doug.
- Hi. We're discussing Jeff.

- Don't, it'll kill her.
- I love gossip!

Jeff and Daphne are into swinging!

- No way!
- Yeah!

- What's that?
- Don't tell her!

They invite some other couples round
and all strip off down to socks and thongs.

They wash in disinfectant,
there's some slurping and grunting

and then they have full intercourse.

A packet of Maltesers and...

Sorry, I'm gonna be sick.

I'm looking for the chap
who hires out his boat.

- Jake? Isn't he by his boat?
- No.

- It's funny, Holly vomiting like that.
-

You see that in films. "no,
my husband's having an affair." Vomit.

- Vomit.
- Meet some spiders. Vomit.

- Vomit.
- "I've lost my foot in an accident." Vomit.

- Not joining in?
- No.

Mind you, it's a horrible thought, swinging.

Ghastly. Why do they call it swinging?

I physically dread to think.

- So...
- Why hasn't Jeff invited us?

PC Alan. Mr February, wasn't it,
in this year's Police Calendar?

Mr March, yes.

If you've come to arrest Angela,
she's escaped across the border into Devon.

Scampered across
in true "Sound of Music" style.

- - So, what can I get for you?

- Shiny boots? CS gas?
- A Cornetto, please.

- Right. Just one?
- Just one Cornetto.

Right.

- Are you allowed these on duty?
- As long we don't get it round our mouth.

I'll get back to the beach.

There's been a problem
with the boatman, Jake Trethowan.

These clothes were washed up.
They belong to Mr Trethowan.

There are a bewildering number
of possible explanations.

Jake's an experienced boatman.
He knows the sea inside out.

Although he had been depressed,
we can't read anything into that.

Testicles in a flowerpot?

Milk lost on the bypass?

Something to do with lizards?

Don't blame me! You're the deaf one.

Angela.

Orange juice, please, Jeff.

I've just been over in the woods.

It's very sensual in the woods.

I've been mushrooming. Fantastic.

- They're poisonous.
- Bin them, then.

I hear you organise...

...social evenings upstairs.

Yes?

Er, well, we don't want to come, obviously,
because we find it a bit repellent.

But have you ever thought
of inviting me and Mary?

- Why?

- Two women, throws the numbers out.
-?

Without the same number of women
and men you can't find what you need.

- Don't you have a waiting list of spare men?
- There's Sandy...

- Sandy?
- It's not his real name.

- What's his real name?
- I can't tell you!

So you've got special swingers' names?

Yes, to maintain a distance between
the home life and the shenanigans.

- What's yours?
- Jed.

It's a bit like Jeff.

- Isn't it?
- Yes.

- And Daphne?
- Pandora.

Is it...nice?

- Is it a nice evening?
- Can be.

- Can I come?
- What about Mary? She'd be fun.

- I don't think so.
- Have a think about it and decide.

- What's up?
- Nothing.

Jake's gone off
without telling anyone, silly arse.

They found his clothes on the beach.

Mad as a newsagent, isn't he, that one?

Only Jake would take off his clothes
to wash 'em, then get distracted

- so they float out to sea and he loses 'em.
- Yeah.

He'll be back, whistling his favourite tune.

- What is it?
- "Happy Birthday".

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Jakey... #

He loved that bit, where his name was.

# Happy birthday to you #

He's more than likely drowned himself,
hasn't he?

# Stars shining bright above you

# Night breezes seem to whisper ”I love you"

# Birds singing in the sycamore tree

# Dream a little dream of me

# Say ”Nighty-night” and kiss me

# just hold me tight and tell me you miss me

# While I'm alone and blue as can be

# Dream a little dream of me... #

- PC Alan.
- Hello.

- Mr May.
- Mr March.

May was WPC Smothers.

We've got a film crew from Plymouth.

We're planning a re-enactment of Jake's
disappearance to jog people's memories.

- How do you re-enact a disappearance?
- Reconstructions are very sophisticated.

- Good.
- Are either of you prepared to play Jake?

We don't really look like him.

No...

What story are we here to tell?

Time to stop kidding ourselves, isn't it?

- Poor old Jake. We could have saved him.
- I know.

His last night in the pub.

How hard would it have been for us
to reach out and tell him that we...

- ..not necessarily loved him...
- No, no.

- ..But wished him well.
- Yeah.

You know the first shot
in "Bonfire of the Vanities"?

Or was it "The Player"? It was a brilliant shot.

So you're panning across, a bit Scorsese,
but don't go mad. Staying wide, here.

- Jake...
- It's Harry.

I know, I'm helping you get into the role.

- I'm with you.
- OK.

- Jake...
- Harry. Sorry, I'm with you.

- Walk along as if you were Jake.
- OK.

- Does he have a limp?
- Who?

- Jake! Anybody?
- Yeah, I've got a limp.

- No!
- He had a stoop.

- How about a stoop?
- I'll have a go.

Maybe scale down your Limp
till that's confirmed?

OK, stop it there, it's not really working.

Can we have one more of that?

It's just a little bit too big.

It's just not quite... A bit too much.

- Hey!
- I'll get it!

They're in trouble picking Harry. He couldn't
re-enact a fart in a whoopee cushion factory.

So, Jeff. Jeffrey.

Jeff.

I gather you might have a place
at your do on Saturday.

Might have.

- You're a cheeky little publican, aren't you?
- Yes.

- So, is it good fun?
- Yes, yes, it is.

Right. There's something you ought to know.

I was the first woman in Cornwall
to get sexually liberated.

I'm uninhibited, responsive and tender.
I likes ropes, electrical devices and feathers.

But I'm a good team player. I don't mind
making the tea or putting the video on

or going round with a kitchen towel

So you won't sit and go,
"that looks horrible. No!"

No.

We had one of those
and we made her sit in the car.

That's my worry about Angela.

She's a Lovely maid,

but she's got a heck of a temper,
she still undresses in the dark, and.

- Right. You're in, then.
- Good.

Got it.

- So, poor old Jake?
- Yeah.

- What makes a person kill themselves?
- I dunno...

Living alone, people thinking you're different,

weird, unsuccessful love life...

That could be me.

- No, because there's working with water.
- Working with water.

- Course it's OK, you dozy lummox.
- We won't get in.

I'll sell that milk in the shop.

Why is this open?

It was bad luck to lock your doors
'cause troubled spirits couldn't get out.

Some people even made a special little door
so they could come and go freely.

A sort of goblin flap.

No, PC Alan will have been by
and Left it open.

Yes, or that.

- Have you been here before?
- No.

I have. My mother sent me when I was little

with medicines when Jakey had the wasting.

- The what?
- The wasting.

It's a Cornish fever brought about by living
in a pointy county sticking into a damp ocean.

Jakey cut a fine figure when he was younger.

Full head of hair tied back in a reef knot.

"Mary Tregwednack," he says to me,

"Come here, little girl, read to me
'cause I can't focus due to the wasting."

Didn't like to say I couldn't read,
being only four.

So I made up a story.

He still believes there's a bit
in "Treasure Island"

where a goat gets stuck in a cinema.

There must be some clue here,

some psychological indication of why
he'd wade out to sea and take his life.

He was saying
nobody wanted fishermen any more.

It was as if he was saying...

I like that door.

Could I have that?
He doesn't need it any more.

- No!
- No!

OK!

I think we may have found a clue.

Jake was living a double life.

- Could they be his mother's?
- He didn't have one.

- He was brought up by fishermen.
- Girlfriend?

Not Jake, no. It was as if he had an invisible
barrier round him that repelled women.

In fact, he did, in the years he wore
Blue Stratos aftershave.

15 years of women recoiling from you.

- Can't do your confidence any good.
- They're his size.

A happy person
doesn't keep a secret like this.

- We should get rid of them.
- Yeah.

He wouldn't want the last memory
of him to be of a man who went home

from a hard day on his boat
and put on a cocktail dress.

This I've gotta have. Look.

- OK?
- You can't take things.

What you pays out, you gets back.

She could have the one, couldn't she?

Yeah, so long as it's only...

Now, this is me.

- Look at the colour. It suits me, that.
- I'm really not sure about this.

Holly, by wearing Jake's clothes,

we are getting spiritually closer to him.

- That's true.
- See?

Although I do like this.

Yeah, that's nice. Take it.

I think he'd have wanted us to have them.

I've got to come up with a swinger's name.

I was thinking Lottie Wangford.

- What do you reckon? Or Pat Fox.
- You don't need a surname, prat.

The whole thing is disgusting.
What will it be next, full-scale prostitution?

- What did you say to Jeff to put him off me?
- You know this isn't your cup of tea.

First sign of anything vaguely like a backside,
you'd have one of your panic attacks.

That wasn't a panic attack.

I saw a bear outside the window. I reacted
the way anyone would have done.

You've never been comfortable with your body.
You'd like to be a Muslim woman.

Completely covered
in one of those tarpaulin things.

- Burka.
- If you didn't like bacon on your salad.

I went streaking.

I strack!

Down the high street with a man
from the Cornish Tourist Authority, Jeremy.

All right, that might have been a dream.

That's, urn... That's hopeless.

You look like you've been drawn
by a four-year-old.

I just... I don't want you falling in
with any sleazy types.

- What look are you going for?
- The off-to-a-grubby-party look?

- Don't talk to any strange men.
- OK.

Hello?

Hello?

It's Mary... Pat! It's Pat! It's Pat!

There, that's better.

No, that's too dark.

I've come for my pokin'!

Hello. We're just finishing Susan.
We'll be in for you soon.

A new one's arrived.

Hello. Police, please. Thank you.

Hello. There's a bawdy house being run
above the Coach and Horses in St Gweep.

I imagine they're breaking several laws.

The Law against gatherings of nude people.

No entertainment licence. Get them on that.

No, I don't want to give my name.

OK, my name is Ann...

...Arm. Ann Arm.

Sorry, my money's running out.

Tina, move over!

Left leg - no, Left foot -
onto blue circle.

There's a blue circle!

Whisky, please, Harry.

- You weren't invited to the do?
- It's not my thing.

I think sex works better one on one.

Or one on one on one, in Camper vans.

Evening.

- Have you been away, Jake?
- Yep.

I've had quite a time, I can tell you.

I was working for this lady, Dagmar,
a beautiful woman, German.

I took her up past Smugglers'. Usual trip,
show 'em the cove, catch a fish.

But we started to get on, mess around.

It was annoying at first,
Stop. Stop that now.

But that turned into kissing, and before
long we were making love in the boat.

We lay there, clothes drying in the sun.

Then she threw 'em overboard for a laugh

so we caught some fish
to cover my modesty,

We stayed in my cottage for a night or two
having fun, She wouldn't let me leave.

Then she would and I wouldn't let her leave.

Then we took off in her car on a road trip,

Ten beautiful days, It was like the sun was
following us, wanting to be with us,

She's gone back to Garmisch Partenkirchen,

Now I know what I've been missing for years.

Bugger.

Still, never mind,
she done me a power of good.

She Left a bunch of clothes,
so I'll send them on to her.

No, don't go! Don't go.

Tell them. Tell them the story.

It'll be a nice bit of entertainment.

That's it. Come on. That's it.

OK, tell them.

Right, well, I was working for this lady,
Dagmar, a beautiful woman...

Fan out.

Holly! Holly!

- Jake's come back.
- Yes!

I'll get the other stuff.

She Left some clothes,
so I'll send them back to her. Cheerio.

OK. Jake, don't...
Why don't you sit back down?

Why don't you tell this man? That's it.

Tell this man the story. Tell him the story.

Right, I was working for this lady, Dagmar...

- Is everything tidy?
- All tidy.

- We're consenting adults!
- I can't square it with a happy relationship.

- Look.
- No, there's no "Look", OK?

Twister!

- So, would you go again?
- Um, no.

It was fantastic,

but it's a case of "Been there,
done him, seen those, ticked that."

- Did you have sex with Jeff?
- There is no Jeff.

God. Jed.

Er, no. In fact, I didn't - did I?

Er, no.

I didn't actually have sex with anyone.

Good.

- Do you want to go next time?
- I don't think I would, really.

- Do you mind?
- No. No.

- I see the erotic as being made up of 25%...
- Booze.

...what's being done to you
and what you're doing...

- 25%...
- Booze.

- Mood.
- Yeah.

- And the other 50%...
- Booze.

...is how much you enjoy
being with the person you're with.

Right.

- Don't, your hand's too cold.
- Right.

# We've got a special kind of love

# The kind that toughens you up

# That you're never sure of

# And it's not enough

# Out where the sunsets hover

# We tear apart each other

# All day you got me going

# There's no way I'll let you know it

# That's OK 'cause we're as good as it gets

# In the Wild West #