Where the Bears Are (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Closet Bear - full transcript

Shrimp puff?

Shrimp puff?

Sir, would you like a shrimp puff? Yummy!

Who are you supposed to be here as? Myself.

We were supposed to come up with covers so we would be inconspicuous.

I am a literary celebrity now, Nelson.

Do you know how easy it was for me to snag an invite to this fundraiser?

Why couldn't you have invited me as a friend

instead of me having to get a job as a cater waiter?

Every spy will tell you

when working undercover it's always best to choose something that comes natural to you.



For me, it's rubbing elbows with fellow artists and industry people.

And for you, it's serving shrimp puffs to people who are always going to be more successful than you.

(off screen) Hey guys, we're here.

Wood and Todd are here.

We're the Jacksons. Go right in.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Howdy. Names, please.

Names? Oh. Okay. I'm Billy Joe Stetson from Dallas, Texas.

But we just moved to the district so we can vote.

And this is my little brother and business partner Festus.

I'm sorry gentlemen. I do not see your names on this list.

That's because my brother and I just caught wind of this here fundraiser.

And seeing how we are new in town and seeking to expand our enterprises

we decided to stopby and donate generously to Mr. Pendleton's campaign.



Very generously. If you get my drift little filly.

You're going to have to show me something.

How about twenty somethings?

Go ahead in. I have to get my nails done anyway.

Where did you get these earpieces to communicate with?

I made friends with a couple of Homeland Security guys last year

when they had me under surveillance because I was dating that Saudi Prince

who I met at the New Year's Eve party in Dubai.

Wait a minute. You're on Homeland Security's radar?

Radar? Please! With the number of Arab men I've slept with?

I'm on a watch list!

You do realize I no longer know when you are kidding, right?

I probably shouldn't be seen talking to the help.

Shrimp puff?

It's a pleasure to meet you Billy Joe. And Festus, is it?

That's right, sir.

I'm Mary Ashley Pendleton. The candidate's wife.

Bingo! Hello! Mary Ashley Pendleton! Right here in front of me!

You don't have to yell, you moron.

Oh, right. Sorry, Nelson.

Am I missing something? Who's Nelson?

For the love of God Wood! Shut up!

You shut up!

I beg your pardon?

We are just plum thrilled to be here this evening.

And we are very impressed with you as a candidate, sir.

I think by the end of the evenings out

would like to show you just how impressed we are by writing a very large check for your campaign.

Well, that is mighty kind of you.

I appreciate any help you can give my campaign.

Would you all excuse me for a minute? I have to say hello to a buddy of mine.

But stick around. I'd like to get to know you all a little better.

Sounds delicious.

Well, isn't this wonderful?

Teresa over there mentioned that you two gentlemen are from Dallas?

I'm originally from Dallas. What area did you all grow up in?

We had us a little ranch.

Whereabouts?

Right near JR and Sue Ellen.

He means near where they filmed JR and Sue Ellen in Dallas.

Now, ma'am, before we contribute to the campaign,

would it be possible to find out a little more about you and your husband?

Of course. I'm an open book.

My name is Mary Ashley Pendleton.

I'm forty three years old and I'm from the great state of Texas.

I love cooking, scuba and macrame.

And I want to become Miss America so I can raise awareness on the dangers of anorexia.

I used to do pageants and that was my opening introduction and my platform.

So charming. How could they resist?

I sang Wind Beneath My Wings for the talent portion

and some bitch from Maine beat me out with ventriloquism.

You could see her lips move.

Ma'am, how do you and your husband feel about the untimely death, murder, of Elliot Butler?

Of course it was a terrible tragedy.

I was visiting my sister in Lubbock when I heard the news.

Bless his heart. I hope they find his killer.

But fellas I've got to be honest with you

I'm not disappointed that God chose to eliminate one of my husband's strongest opponents.

One less person to run against I suppose?

Well God works in mysterious ways.

I think maybe it was the Lord's will.

Elliot Butler was a homosexual.

Wow.

The Bible is very clear on such matters. It's an abomination.

So you are glad he's dead?

Don't get carried away, Wood!

Right. Sorry, Nelson.

I'm sorry. Now who's Nelson?

He means me. I'm Nelson.

Nice save, Todd.

Thank you. For what?

I knew we should've rehearsed with these earpieces before we came here!

Oh, Todd here is both my brother and my business partner.

Wait a minute. I thought you said his name was Nelson.

No, actually you said his name was Festus.

Hey little brother why don't you go get us some grub

and maybe a couple of drinks for me and the young lady?

Sounds like a super idea, big brother. Ma'am.

Ask her about Turbo.

I have to say you have a mighty fine body there, little lady.

Really nice rack also. One of my favorite parts on a woman.

Anway, I was wondering how you keep yourself in such good shape?

Do you have one of those Hollywood trainers?

I did have a trainer but I had to fire him.

It turned out he was a homosexual too! No!

I know we're in Los Angeles but for God's sake is everybody gay now?

I appreciate you wanting to contribute to my campaign.

What do you say we get a hotel suite downtown to discuss this more in private?

Is he hitting on my man?

Abort! Abort the mission! Nelson is losing it!

Nice seeing you.

I'm flattered but I don't go in for the whole gay sex thing.

Now explain that to the papers!

What about that donation?