Where the Bears Are (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 23 - Bears in the Woods: Part 2 - full transcript

Wow. Here we are. Episode 23 of Where the Bears Are Season 2.

It's hard to believe we're here, right? Hey before we get to that I have some very special news.

I want to let everybody know that just because this is the last episode of season 2.

That doesn't mean we're going to stop posting. We're actually going to keep posting until Christmas.

Every Monday and Thursday at wherethebearsare.tv and Facebook.

We're going to show you a lot of sneak peeks of the upcoming season 2 DVD

and also some special surprises I can't even tell you about

so you've got to keep watching every Monday and Thursday at wherethebearsare.tv and Facebook.

And speaking of sneak peeks here is one from our upcoming season 2 DVD.

Hey, we're here at the Coliseum in Rome.

Quick little fun fact. This is the structure that they built for Celine Dion to perform in.



I'm not sure if she's going to be here tonight or not but we're hoping to get tickets.

We're waiting in this long ass line.

Pretty amazing. I mean everything here is just unbelievable. Wow.

It seems... Celine Dion doesn't perform here, Wood. That's Las Vegas!

Our Season 2 DVD is bigger and better than our first season.

It's chalk full of amazing extras including our uncensored feature length version of season 2 in uninterrupted movie form.

And when we say uncensored we mean you get to see a lot of ass.

I like ass. Who doesn't like to see ass?

It also has a 20 minute Thanksgiving special that you can only see on the DVD.

It also has a very special Wood's web cam show featuring our recent trip to the Mediterranean

which was sponsored by Cruise4Bears.

And if that's not enough, it also has the actual Soak 'Ems commercial that my character Nelson shot for adult diapers.

And if that's not getting your money's worth, seeing me in adult diapers, I don't know what is.

That's one of those extras that you really can't unsee. Skip!



And like last season we have the bloopers,

the deleted scenes, we have the outtakes and the feature length commentary

where we all get drunk and dish about what happened during the season.

So please help us recoup our cost for season 2 and raise money for season 3.

Because we are completely self-financed.

The only way we can do this show is with your help so please go to our website wherethebearsare.tv

and pre-order your season 2 DVD today.

And if you order the DVDs of both seasons 1 and 2 together you get 5 dollars off.

And like my Mom says, it's like a sore dick. You can't beat it.

Your Mom is sweet.

And one more thing. On that note, we just want to say thank you so much for coming back this season.

And to those you have discovered our show and have been so supportive.

And it's just overwhelming to us and we want to do this show forever

and we can only do it because you guys have been so wonderful.

We can't believe your generosity and all the wonderful things you say to us through e-mail and on Facebook

and we just can't thank you enough so thank you thank you thank you for all your support and your generosity.

And it's been great meeting you all at the events we've been at.

We were at Provincetown and that was a lot of fun. So thanks for supporting us.

Now sit back, relax and enjoy the season finale of Where the Bears Are Season 2.

I don't think anybody's going to be relaxed watching this.

I know. It's kind of scary.

Bye! Thank you!

Why couldn't we have driven to dinner? Hiking back after a huge meal sucks.

Well, it's good for you, and we said we were going to try and get your triglycerides down, right?

Whatever. I'm fat. Who gives a shit?

I give a shit. And your heart gives a shit too, okay? Let's go.

Did you even know I was a legacy at that fraternity?

But you assholes still blackballed me.

I never got into the prestigious grad schools that you guys did!

So what? They only load you up with student loan debt!

I never made the connections that other people make.

Those are overrated.

I never got the breaks or the traction for any career path.

What about your charity work for the dolphins?

It was orphans! Shit.

And I was lying, you idiot! There is no charity!

I'm unemployed. My whole life has been shit!

Until last year.

When I finally had the interview for my dream job.

And it was between me and one other guy.

And I didn't get it!

How is that my fault?

They gave it to one of your fraternity brothers!

So you decided to kill us?

One by one.

A faulty brake-line in Hartford.

A fake suicide in Madison.

And then I finally headed west to finish off the final two.

You and Elliot.

Looks like we hit a dead end, lover! You ready to die!

Hey, isn't that Jeremy and Reggie?

Yeah. Oh, wow. They're at lookout point. That's romantic.

It kind of looks like they're arguing about something.

Yeah. And why is Jeremy wielding a pitchfork?

We have to help him.

Yeah, but we've got to sneak up them because if we spook them they're going to go over the edge!

Okay.

(Moaning)

Elliot finally figured out who you were, didn't he?

Yeah. Even after the ear reduction.

I saw that guy leave the house after having sex with Elliot and then I slipped inside.

He had heard about the untimely deaths of your frat brothers and he was starting to piece it together.

That's why he texted you. He was going to warn you.

Only I didn't give him the chance.

You were the one who planted the murder weapon on Ivan to throw everybody off.

Yeah. Just because I wanted to take my own sweet time with you.

What are you doing?

What are you doing? We're enjoying our vacation.

In a sling? In a public forest? Yes!

Guys, shut up! You need to come with us now! Reggie's in trouble!

What do you mean he's in trouble?

You guys are cops! Do something!

We left our guns at the cabin!

But you remembered to bring a sling?

Come on, Reggie! Jump! Save us both the trouble!

Come on, Reggie. Just do it! Jump! Why postpone the inevitable?

Do it! Do it!

Fuck you, Dumbo!

Freeze, Jeremy! We've got you surrounded!

Hey! Hey!

Holy shit! Oh my god! There he is!

Hold on, Reggie!

Come on! Reach! Reach!

I can't! I can't reach!

Get something to throw to him! Anything!

Get the sling! Get the sling!

I can't hold on for much longer! Hurry!

Keep holding!

Reggie, grab it!

Grab the sling! Grab it!

Pull! Pull! Pull!

Oh god!

Hey, do me a favor? Next time let me find my own boyfriend.

I will. I promise.

I can't believe I have to sleep alone tonight.

The detectives both had to go back to LA and it was my turn to be the pig on the spit.

Wow, Wood. You're really getting into this whole menage a trois, aren't you?

Sorry but I don't speak Spanish.

You okay?

What you need is a long dip in the hot tub.

That sounds great.

We'll meet you out there.

Oh! Look at this! How cool is this?

Do you think they would notice it was missing because it would look so perfect in our living room.

The trunk opens!

Like I said. Great ass...

Horrible taste!

Are you going to be all right?

You know what? No. I don't think I'm going to be all right.

I am so tired of being alone.

I would love to find someone real.

But a part of me feels like I'm never going to find it

so maybe it's easier pretending I don't want it.

Am I ever going to be as lucky as you, Nelson?

Am I ever going to find what you found with Todd?

Of course you are! Reggie, come on. You're a terrific guy.

You know I don't think we say this enough but you're a good friend too.

We love you, Reggie. And you're never getting rid of us.

Come here. Get in here. Let's do the hug.

Thanks, guys. I love you too.

And you're right. We're always going to be together.

Cheers to that.

Except maybe tonight.

I just got hit up on Growler about an hour ago by a guy staying two cabins down the road.

His name is Fredrico. He's this hot sexy muscle bear from Spain!

And he read my book and he loved it!

Although I don't know how much he really understands because his English is horrible!

But really who cares because let me show you the naked pictures he sent me of himself.

I think I'm moving to Spain tomorrow so maybe we won't be together.

I'm going to have to learn Spanish.

And I don't know a word of Spanish except activo and passivo.

And don't you dare say a word about what you think I am because I'm a versatile.