Where the Bears Are (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 16 - Rugby Bears - full transcript
While investigating an old rugby teammate of Todd's at a local gym, the Bears cross paths with disgraced former county coroner Susie Collins (Loretta Fox), who has been fired from her job for sexual harrassment and is now coaching a gay men's rugby team. Nelson: Ben Zook. Todd: Ian Parks. Wood: Joe Dietl. Reggie: Rick Copp. Luke: Alex De La Cruz. Jason: David LaFlamme. Rugby Player #1: James Sloan. Rugby Player #2: Paul Baker. Rugby Player #3: Dominick Munafo. Rugby Player #4: Stephen Wallage.
We should investigate rugby players more often.
This reminds me of a Colt shoot I did back in the nineties
except I was the coach and all the players stood over me and they were like oh... oh...
Where is the coach anyway? I mean shouldn't they be out on the field?
Who just lets their players sit around massaging each other in a public gym?
Nice work, boys!
Susie? What's she doing here?
Great job, Brandon! Way to work Matteo's inner thigh muscles.
Don't forget the hip flexers. You okay there, Matteo? Great job.
Luke, lay down.
Jason, get to work on his glutes. Maximus and minimus.
Kneed that ass! Kneed it like dough! Make it rise. Work it! Work it!
That's him. With the ass. That's Luke.
Okay! Get in a circle. Let's do the Daisy Chain Stretch.
Move it! Now! Lay down! Now hold hands. Good job, guys.
Hey, Susie.
Hey, Wood.
I guess you heard. I was fired.
And they promoted that backstabbing bitch Hairy Potter.
Seems that twat went to the bosses and complained that I made him work one weekend.
Granted it was a couples' retreat in Maui but whatever.
So you're coaching now?
Actually I volunteer coaching.
Being around all these sexy athletic men keeps me feeling young.
Do the spanking machine.
Coach, what's that supposed to do for us?
Agility?
Spanking machine now!
Get a load of that one's ass.
It's like two ripe cantalopes just ready to be scooped.
Okay. Whatever, Mary Kay Letourneau. We need to talk to one of your players. Luke?
Oh. Luke. My panda bear. What a sweetie. And he's hung like a mule.
He's friends with Jason over there. Another hottie.
He's got a nice piece. Thick.
Fat like a beer can! Right.
How would you know that?
Baby, believe it or not, I was sexually active before we met.
Well, so was I. Granted it was bookstores and public restrooms but it was still sex, Todd.
Sad.
Anyway, it's just a matter of time before Jason lets me do what I've wanted to do since before you were even born.
How are you not in jail?
Do the scrum!
Look, we really need to talk to Luke.
What's this all about? Luke is my star player. I really don't need him being distracted.
What? Did you guys kill somebody in your house again?
It'll only take a second.
All right. You can talk to him.
But the next time I see you. We're moving past oral. I mean way past.
Sure, Susie. Whatever.
Okay, boys. Hit the showers! Luke, these guys need to talk to you.
Hey, where are you two going?
The showers.
We should thoroughly investigate all of the players. Thoroughly.
Elliot was my fuck buddy. He was pretty kinky too.
He had this thing about getting his balls stretched. I gave him a hell of a workout that day.
But he was alive when I left him. I swear.
Someone had to have come in after me and shot him.
Did he ever talk to you about the movie Dumbo?
No.
You know your ass is not that perfect.
Am I ever going to have friends again?
Rugby, huh? Nice balls. Excuse me?
I like the balls you guys use. When you play rugby.
Dude, do you mind?
You'll have to forgive my friend. He doesn't know any better.
You're looking at my junk too.
Can you pass the soap?
Sure. There you go. Oh, I dropped it.
Hey! Oldies! Why don't you get out of here and go troll somewhere else?
Who are you calling old? I just turned forty!
Yeah, right. Now beat it, gramps.
So did you notice anything unusual the day of the pool party?
Something that stood out to you?
The nerve of that guy calling me old! I mean I could understand if he was talking to Nelson but...
Do you mind? We're questioning tasty cakes here with the alleged beer can cock.
Don't start.
Well, Elliot was kind of tense that day.
He was all freaked out about some guy at the pool party who he couldn't stand.
Some charity guy who works for a non-profit.
I guess he was threatening a lawsuit. He and Elliot had a huge fight the week before.
His name wouldn't happen to be Jeremy, would it?
I think that's it. Yeah.
Are you listening, Nelson? Did you hear that?
Your Mr. Perfect had a big fight with Elliot and is probably his killer!
Hey, Todd, the guys and I are going to go grab some beers.
Why don't you come join us? For old time's sake?
No. I better not.
No. It's okay. Really. I want you to go. Go with your friend.
Really? Yeah. Have fun.
Are you sure? Absolutely.
All right. Thank you.
Let's get out of here.
Don't let your mind go there, Nelson.
I know. I know. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.
Too late.
This reminds me of a Colt shoot I did back in the nineties
except I was the coach and all the players stood over me and they were like oh... oh...
Where is the coach anyway? I mean shouldn't they be out on the field?
Who just lets their players sit around massaging each other in a public gym?
Nice work, boys!
Susie? What's she doing here?
Great job, Brandon! Way to work Matteo's inner thigh muscles.
Don't forget the hip flexers. You okay there, Matteo? Great job.
Luke, lay down.
Jason, get to work on his glutes. Maximus and minimus.
Kneed that ass! Kneed it like dough! Make it rise. Work it! Work it!
That's him. With the ass. That's Luke.
Okay! Get in a circle. Let's do the Daisy Chain Stretch.
Move it! Now! Lay down! Now hold hands. Good job, guys.
Hey, Susie.
Hey, Wood.
I guess you heard. I was fired.
And they promoted that backstabbing bitch Hairy Potter.
Seems that twat went to the bosses and complained that I made him work one weekend.
Granted it was a couples' retreat in Maui but whatever.
So you're coaching now?
Actually I volunteer coaching.
Being around all these sexy athletic men keeps me feeling young.
Do the spanking machine.
Coach, what's that supposed to do for us?
Agility?
Spanking machine now!
Get a load of that one's ass.
It's like two ripe cantalopes just ready to be scooped.
Okay. Whatever, Mary Kay Letourneau. We need to talk to one of your players. Luke?
Oh. Luke. My panda bear. What a sweetie. And he's hung like a mule.
He's friends with Jason over there. Another hottie.
He's got a nice piece. Thick.
Fat like a beer can! Right.
How would you know that?
Baby, believe it or not, I was sexually active before we met.
Well, so was I. Granted it was bookstores and public restrooms but it was still sex, Todd.
Sad.
Anyway, it's just a matter of time before Jason lets me do what I've wanted to do since before you were even born.
How are you not in jail?
Do the scrum!
Look, we really need to talk to Luke.
What's this all about? Luke is my star player. I really don't need him being distracted.
What? Did you guys kill somebody in your house again?
It'll only take a second.
All right. You can talk to him.
But the next time I see you. We're moving past oral. I mean way past.
Sure, Susie. Whatever.
Okay, boys. Hit the showers! Luke, these guys need to talk to you.
Hey, where are you two going?
The showers.
We should thoroughly investigate all of the players. Thoroughly.
Elliot was my fuck buddy. He was pretty kinky too.
He had this thing about getting his balls stretched. I gave him a hell of a workout that day.
But he was alive when I left him. I swear.
Someone had to have come in after me and shot him.
Did he ever talk to you about the movie Dumbo?
No.
You know your ass is not that perfect.
Am I ever going to have friends again?
Rugby, huh? Nice balls. Excuse me?
I like the balls you guys use. When you play rugby.
Dude, do you mind?
You'll have to forgive my friend. He doesn't know any better.
You're looking at my junk too.
Can you pass the soap?
Sure. There you go. Oh, I dropped it.
Hey! Oldies! Why don't you get out of here and go troll somewhere else?
Who are you calling old? I just turned forty!
Yeah, right. Now beat it, gramps.
So did you notice anything unusual the day of the pool party?
Something that stood out to you?
The nerve of that guy calling me old! I mean I could understand if he was talking to Nelson but...
Do you mind? We're questioning tasty cakes here with the alleged beer can cock.
Don't start.
Well, Elliot was kind of tense that day.
He was all freaked out about some guy at the pool party who he couldn't stand.
Some charity guy who works for a non-profit.
I guess he was threatening a lawsuit. He and Elliot had a huge fight the week before.
His name wouldn't happen to be Jeremy, would it?
I think that's it. Yeah.
Are you listening, Nelson? Did you hear that?
Your Mr. Perfect had a big fight with Elliot and is probably his killer!
Hey, Todd, the guys and I are going to go grab some beers.
Why don't you come join us? For old time's sake?
No. I better not.
No. It's okay. Really. I want you to go. Go with your friend.
Really? Yeah. Have fun.
Are you sure? Absolutely.
All right. Thank you.
Let's get out of here.
Don't let your mind go there, Nelson.
I know. I know. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.
Too late.