Where the Bears Are (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Bear Fan - full transcript
After studying a cell phone video from the night of the party, the Bears hunt down a party crasher who turns out to be a fanatical fan of Wood's from his Colt modeling days, but who also has a key piece of information about the murder.
Okay, I’ve been going over my cell phone video from the party
to see if there was anybody else there
that we didn't know, besides J Cub.
Yeah, and?
And...
Voila!!
Who's that guy?
I don't know.
But he was following me around all night.
Hi, do I know you?
Don't mind me. I'm just standing here,
swimming in the elegance of your ungodly manliness.
All right, well. You take care.
Where's he from, Middle Earth?
Who invited a Hobbit to my birthday?
I specifically said I only wanted hot bears.
Somebody's got to know who he is and where we can find him.
OK, you know what, I'll go in to the Evites. I'll check and see
who rsvp +1, then we'll call people and maybe someone will know who he is.
That's a great idea.
You know what I can do. I could look at his card.
I bet it has some kind of contact info on it.
What card?
He gave me his card at the party.
HE GAVE YOU HIS CARD!!
COULDN'T YOU HAVE TOLD US THIS BEFORE? YOU MORON!
Well, excuse me, but I'm the only one that came up with a clue!
You need to get a clue, Wood!
George Ridgemont.
Wood Burns, as I live and breath.
These are my friends. This is Nelson and Reggie.
Hello.
Come in. Come in.
Excuse this little outfit. I just got home from Pilates.
I've got to thank you for the other night. It was such a good time.
It's always nice to spend an evening with good friends.
Good wine. Sit, sit.
No, no. That's okay.
Can't stay.
As much as we'd love to.
For maybe some...
fashion tips.
Listen, George,
we really glad, that you
came to our party...
but, we're sort of wondering.
Who the hell are you?!
I'm George Ridgemeont.
Yeah, we know that from your card, but who are you?
Okay, maybe..
Maybe it's pointless to continue with this little charade of mine.
I'm sure by now,
You know the little crime I committed.
So you poisoned the naked bear cup?!
No, I crashed your party.
To see him.
In the flesh.
Wood, really? Why?
You might say that I'm a connoisseur of the male form.
And all it's attributes.
You collect gay porn.
In layman's terms, yes.
But I have every video.
Every photograph.
Every book that ever featured this tall hunk of a man.
So, when one of my Dental patience mentioned to me.
under anesthesia, of course.
that Mr. Burns was having a party for one of his friends.
I thought this is my chance.
I'll sneak in. I'll crash.
I'll get a glimpse of the real thing.
Well, uh..
I hope you weren't disappointed.
I thought you'd be taller.
Okay, okay, wait a minute. Let me get this straight.
So, you have a dental practice on the shire?
And you drug your Hobbit patients so you will have a social life on the weekends.
Nelson, stop.
We need to know.
Do you know this man?
Don't know him,
but I did see him the other night at your party.
He was arguing with some guy.
With who?
Long, tall,
drink of a man.
Big mustache.
Said he lost half of his body weight.
When you lost all that weight, you threw away everything.
Our comedy act was called "The 2 Fat Guys".
I had high blood pressure, Diabetes
and a pulmonary embolism the sizer of a smart car.
So, you'll forgive me
If I chose my health over our stupid little comedy act.
So, you lose a limb.
Dickie Calloway.
Dickie Calloway. That's the one.
He's a big star now.
Big star.
Big star? Okay, that is a stretch, Frodo.
Right, he's just a working actor.
Okay, you know what.
Dickie Calloway is only a working actor because he is a dick!
One time, he actually slashed the tires of another actor.
Just so he could get the part as the "Banana Guy"
in the Fruit of The Loom Campaign.
I would so, not be surprised,
If Dickie, were the killer.
Oh, dear God. Why don't you guys just go get a room.
to see if there was anybody else there
that we didn't know, besides J Cub.
Yeah, and?
And...
Voila!!
Who's that guy?
I don't know.
But he was following me around all night.
Hi, do I know you?
Don't mind me. I'm just standing here,
swimming in the elegance of your ungodly manliness.
All right, well. You take care.
Where's he from, Middle Earth?
Who invited a Hobbit to my birthday?
I specifically said I only wanted hot bears.
Somebody's got to know who he is and where we can find him.
OK, you know what, I'll go in to the Evites. I'll check and see
who rsvp +1, then we'll call people and maybe someone will know who he is.
That's a great idea.
You know what I can do. I could look at his card.
I bet it has some kind of contact info on it.
What card?
He gave me his card at the party.
HE GAVE YOU HIS CARD!!
COULDN'T YOU HAVE TOLD US THIS BEFORE? YOU MORON!
Well, excuse me, but I'm the only one that came up with a clue!
You need to get a clue, Wood!
George Ridgemont.
Wood Burns, as I live and breath.
These are my friends. This is Nelson and Reggie.
Hello.
Come in. Come in.
Excuse this little outfit. I just got home from Pilates.
I've got to thank you for the other night. It was such a good time.
It's always nice to spend an evening with good friends.
Good wine. Sit, sit.
No, no. That's okay.
Can't stay.
As much as we'd love to.
For maybe some...
fashion tips.
Listen, George,
we really glad, that you
came to our party...
but, we're sort of wondering.
Who the hell are you?!
I'm George Ridgemeont.
Yeah, we know that from your card, but who are you?
Okay, maybe..
Maybe it's pointless to continue with this little charade of mine.
I'm sure by now,
You know the little crime I committed.
So you poisoned the naked bear cup?!
No, I crashed your party.
To see him.
In the flesh.
Wood, really? Why?
You might say that I'm a connoisseur of the male form.
And all it's attributes.
You collect gay porn.
In layman's terms, yes.
But I have every video.
Every photograph.
Every book that ever featured this tall hunk of a man.
So, when one of my Dental patience mentioned to me.
under anesthesia, of course.
that Mr. Burns was having a party for one of his friends.
I thought this is my chance.
I'll sneak in. I'll crash.
I'll get a glimpse of the real thing.
Well, uh..
I hope you weren't disappointed.
I thought you'd be taller.
Okay, okay, wait a minute. Let me get this straight.
So, you have a dental practice on the shire?
And you drug your Hobbit patients so you will have a social life on the weekends.
Nelson, stop.
We need to know.
Do you know this man?
Don't know him,
but I did see him the other night at your party.
He was arguing with some guy.
With who?
Long, tall,
drink of a man.
Big mustache.
Said he lost half of his body weight.
When you lost all that weight, you threw away everything.
Our comedy act was called "The 2 Fat Guys".
I had high blood pressure, Diabetes
and a pulmonary embolism the sizer of a smart car.
So, you'll forgive me
If I chose my health over our stupid little comedy act.
So, you lose a limb.
Dickie Calloway.
Dickie Calloway. That's the one.
He's a big star now.
Big star.
Big star? Okay, that is a stretch, Frodo.
Right, he's just a working actor.
Okay, you know what.
Dickie Calloway is only a working actor because he is a dick!
One time, he actually slashed the tires of another actor.
Just so he could get the part as the "Banana Guy"
in the Fruit of The Loom Campaign.
I would so, not be surprised,
If Dickie, were the killer.
Oh, dear God. Why don't you guys just go get a room.