Where the Bears Are (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Bear on a Couch - full transcript
Wood seeks out his high school prom date who is now Los Angeles County Coroner Susie Collins to find out how J Cub died and is startled to learn that Susie is still harboring feelings for him.
Oh, my god.
You haven't changed a bit.
Still tall.
Still friggin' sexy!
I totally want to blow you!
Just so you know, I'm gay now.
You were gay then.
I saw the look on that tight ends face the day after Prom. Come in.
I was so excited to get your call.
I haven't seen you since graduation.
Weren't you Valedictorian? I always loved you for your mind.
No.
I barely graduated.
Yah, but you always thought with your penis.
which makes you smart in my book.
Ya, speaking of smart.
Wow, you're really doing well for yourself.
Ya, I guess all those years playing doctor with the neighborhood boys, finally paid off.
County Coroner. So cool.
I'm making you a double Martini.
Are you trying to get me drunk?
I remember you weren't always so gay when you were drunk.
Ya, ya, ya. I'll have a drink. I'll have a drink. Go make me a drink.
Make yourself comfortable sexy.
I'll be right back.
Feel free to ditch the pants.
Kidding.
Dirty or clean?
Uh huh.
Jesus christ! You scared the...
Hello.
What's going on in there?
I see you met Potter. He's my lab assistant.
We're working from home today.
Hi. Hi.
I like to call him Hairy Potter.
You should see all that fur underneath that shirt.
Go ahead Potter. Show him.
Really Susie?
Show him your fur.
Don't you just want to be Little Red Riding Hood skipping to Grandmother's house through that forrest?
But, you're not here to see him. You're here to see me, right stud?
Have a seat with me on the couch.
Here are the stomach contents from the hooker.
Not now.
Go work someplace else!
So, what excuse are you going to use to see if I'm still as hot as I was in high school?
So,
I heard you did the autopsy on a friend of mine who died recently.
That party bear?
You knew him?
What a pity. He was a cutie. whoa, whoa..
So, I was wondering if you knew how he died?
Come on, Wood!
Is that really why you're here?
Yeah.
Fuck.
I was hoping you had a head injury and thought you were straight.
Sort of a reversal of that straight English rugby player
that had a freak gym accident and went into a coma.
And when he woke up, he thought he was a completely gay hairdresser.
Wood, I have been dying to suck that dick of yours for years.
It's the only thing I could think about since your call.
If, I let you suck it,
will you tell me what I want to know?
Hell ya!
Ok!
Ok.
But you are probably going to need some help getting hard, right?
A little.
Potter, get in here!
Good idea.
Take your shirt off. Strip for him!
Look, I told you before, I'm not a stripper. I have a PHD.
Just do it!!
Faster!
I need music. I can't do this without music.
For fuck sake!
Yes, I like that. Alright
I like where you are going with that.
Ya, ya, ok, that's working.
I'm feeling Wood.
Ya, pants. There we go!
Good job Potter.
Ya, dance for me.
Nice ass!
Do the "Cabbage patch".
Do the "Sprinkler" for me.
Do the "Swim". You're a fish now. You're a sexy fish.
You're my sexy little bitch fish. That's what you are.
Ya, that'll…woo…
Do the Kylie Minogue.
Don't talk. Don't ruin it.
Yes, yes!
And were off!!
Thank you!
So what happened to the guy?
She found traces of an odorless, fast-acting poison in J Cub's system.
Someone definitely had it out for him.
You haven't changed a bit.
Still tall.
Still friggin' sexy!
I totally want to blow you!
Just so you know, I'm gay now.
You were gay then.
I saw the look on that tight ends face the day after Prom. Come in.
I was so excited to get your call.
I haven't seen you since graduation.
Weren't you Valedictorian? I always loved you for your mind.
No.
I barely graduated.
Yah, but you always thought with your penis.
which makes you smart in my book.
Ya, speaking of smart.
Wow, you're really doing well for yourself.
Ya, I guess all those years playing doctor with the neighborhood boys, finally paid off.
County Coroner. So cool.
I'm making you a double Martini.
Are you trying to get me drunk?
I remember you weren't always so gay when you were drunk.
Ya, ya, ya. I'll have a drink. I'll have a drink. Go make me a drink.
Make yourself comfortable sexy.
I'll be right back.
Feel free to ditch the pants.
Kidding.
Dirty or clean?
Uh huh.
Jesus christ! You scared the...
Hello.
What's going on in there?
I see you met Potter. He's my lab assistant.
We're working from home today.
Hi. Hi.
I like to call him Hairy Potter.
You should see all that fur underneath that shirt.
Go ahead Potter. Show him.
Really Susie?
Show him your fur.
Don't you just want to be Little Red Riding Hood skipping to Grandmother's house through that forrest?
But, you're not here to see him. You're here to see me, right stud?
Have a seat with me on the couch.
Here are the stomach contents from the hooker.
Not now.
Go work someplace else!
So, what excuse are you going to use to see if I'm still as hot as I was in high school?
So,
I heard you did the autopsy on a friend of mine who died recently.
That party bear?
You knew him?
What a pity. He was a cutie. whoa, whoa..
So, I was wondering if you knew how he died?
Come on, Wood!
Is that really why you're here?
Yeah.
Fuck.
I was hoping you had a head injury and thought you were straight.
Sort of a reversal of that straight English rugby player
that had a freak gym accident and went into a coma.
And when he woke up, he thought he was a completely gay hairdresser.
Wood, I have been dying to suck that dick of yours for years.
It's the only thing I could think about since your call.
If, I let you suck it,
will you tell me what I want to know?
Hell ya!
Ok!
Ok.
But you are probably going to need some help getting hard, right?
A little.
Potter, get in here!
Good idea.
Take your shirt off. Strip for him!
Look, I told you before, I'm not a stripper. I have a PHD.
Just do it!!
Faster!
I need music. I can't do this without music.
For fuck sake!
Yes, I like that. Alright
I like where you are going with that.
Ya, ya, ok, that's working.
I'm feeling Wood.
Ya, pants. There we go!
Good job Potter.
Ya, dance for me.
Nice ass!
Do the "Cabbage patch".
Do the "Sprinkler" for me.
Do the "Swim". You're a fish now. You're a sexy fish.
You're my sexy little bitch fish. That's what you are.
Ya, that'll…woo…
Do the Kylie Minogue.
Don't talk. Don't ruin it.
Yes, yes!
And were off!!
Thank you!
So what happened to the guy?
She found traces of an odorless, fast-acting poison in J Cub's system.
Someone definitely had it out for him.