When Nature Calls (2021–2022): Season 1, Episode 3 - Dastardly Death Gunk Stuff - full transcript
An otter mum has a few too many on her first night out after having a baby; a bear and monkey attempt to get out of an escape room; a socially awkward turkey struggles to fit in at a party; a ground squirrel has a terrible secret.
♪♪
Mirren: Life on this planet
is a journey...
four billion years
in the making.
And yet, look around you
and realize
this endeavor
has only just begun.
Bird: Has it, though?
A world of true wonders,
a sprawling canvas
of endless possibilities.
And a home ‐‐ both welcoming
and challenging ‐‐
to the billions of creatures
who wander its surface,
each with their own
distinctive perspective.
Warthog: I'm into feet!
Mirren: Now, we finally have
the opportunity
to examine our humanity
through the lens
of the animal kingdom
and take an unflinching look
at a complex
and dignified world.
Sea Lion #1: ♪ Should auld
acquaintance be forgot ♪
Both: ♪ And never brought
to mind? ♪
♪ Should auld acquaintance
be forgot ♪
I love doing karaoke
with you.
Sea Lion #2:
Make out with me.
[ Kissing ]
Mirren: At long last,
our distant past
will intermingle
with the present
and share their secrets...
♪♪
♪♪
The natural world
is full of quiet wonder...
♪♪
...vast mountains
forever in repose...
♪♪
...oceans deep with mystery,
and trees,
which I think really tie
the whole "earthy vibe"
of the planet together.
But this realm is also full
of animals...
♪♪
...our chittering,
chattering chums.
So let us travel to the jungles
of Argentina,
where a pair of curious monkeys
experiment
with their surroundings.
Monkey #1: Don't you think we
should turn the power off first?
I think Terry's touching
the ground wire.
Jeff: Nonsense, all we need
to do is just stick this
into this and...
[ Electrical buzzing ]
Terry:
Guy‐uy‐uy‐uy‐uy‐uy‐uy‐uy‐uys.
Did it work?
No, something's off.
Sometimes
it takes a few tries.
Oy‐yoy‐yoy‐yoy‐yoy‐yoy‐yoy.
Do you smell that?
Smells like burnt bacon.
Yeah,
where's that coming from?
Aye‐ye‐ye‐ye‐ye‐ye‐ye‐ye!
Gug‐ug‐ug‐ug‐ug‐ug‐ug‐ug!
Holy [bleep]
What did you guys do?!
It was Jeff's fault!
Dude, come on!
♪♪
Mirren: Just like us,
our wild cousins
are social creatures ‐‐
constantly bumping
into one another,
their lives intersecting
in the most unexpected ways.
We watch these interactions
with keen interest,
but we do not pass judgment ‐‐
that is reserved
for the sharp‐eyed
North American Great Grey Owl.
♪♪
[ Organ music plays ]
Gladys:
Hey, Sister Louise!
Yes, girl,
that was a beautiful service!
Look at that gorgeous baby,
looking just like his mama.
Sister Louise:
Aw, thanks, Gladys!
Mm‐hmm.
He also looks
just like Pastor.
Pastor got more secret babies
than Maury got paternity tests.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Announcer:
Smiles to your face.
Stabs you in the back.
She is Judgy Church Owl.
[ Thunder rumbles ]
Oh, very impressive
special effects!
What'd you spend, 30 bucks
on that garbage?
♪♪
Mirren: Animals are inherently
itinerant creatures,
always on the move,
in search of fresh water,
shelter from the elements,
or just a good slice
of New York‐style pizza.
Oh, none of that deep‐dish,
Chicago‐style garbage.
And don't "at" me ‐‐
you know I'm right.
But a life of constant wandering
can leave one feeling
untethered,
like this roaming herd
of African elephants.
Deb: Where the heck
are the Stevensons?
Cath: Last I heard they were
on their way.
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
Oh!
Speak of the devil.
Hi, yeah, Dave?
Where are you guys?
Dave:
Uh, where are you guys?
We're by the water.
It's beautiful!
Tell him
we're by the birds!
We're by the birds.
You mean like bird bones?
[ Chuckles ]
There's quite a few skeletons
around here.
Linda: I told you
this wasn't right.
Kid:
Dad, the sand is hot.
I don't think
you're at the right beach.
Ours is the one
with water.
Dave: Ah, got it.
Why are we
turning around?
Linda: Because Daddy
accidentally drove us
to the desert.
Because sometimes daddies
are too proud
to admit
when they don't know something.
We're on our way,
Cath!
We'll be there
in, uh...
About an hour
and a half.
'Bout a half‐hour!
I see water!
That's a mirage,
honey.
Dave, your son
is hallucinating.
♪♪
Mirren: The natural world
is replete
with all manner
of wild animals.
Vast and varied, there are
more animals on our planet
than there are fish in the sea.
Hmm, not quite sure
that makes any sense.
Full disclosure ‐‐
I'm kind of talking
out of my butt here.
Nevertheless,
this menagerie of life
can be distilled
with brutal simplicity.
There are the hunters...
and the hunted.
♪♪
Crane: Well, well, well, well,
what do we have here?
Secluded entryway,
no sign of any dogs,
no home security system.
Homeowner:
Can I help you?
Who, me?
Yes, the porch pirate looking
through my windows.
Can I help you?
Porch pirate? Me?
[ Chuckles ] That's rich.
Can I ask
what you're doing?
Just, uh...goin' round,
makin' the rounds.
Doing what, exactly?
Levels mostly.
Checking the levels.
And what company
are you with?
What company am I
checking the levels with?
The, uh, uh ‐‐
And don't say
"The Levels Company."
I wasn't going to.
I'm with
"Levels, Incorporated."
Great, well, is there, like,
a number I can call
or a website I can...
Oh, oh. no. That's too bad.
You froze!
Must be a problem
with my doorbell camera.
Totally.
It's weird ‐‐
if the camera's frozen,
why are the trees behind you
still moving?
I'm not a tree guy.
I don't know.
I just work
for Levels, Incorporated.
Well, now that we've
cleared this up,
I guess it's time to let
my two angry Rottweilers out.
[ Squealing ]
♪♪
Mirren:
From the forests of Japan,
we take to the skies.
From this vantage,
we spy a natural world
of order and patterns,
suggesting
an unwavering confidence,
steadfast from the wisdom
that comes
from millions of years
of existence.
I mean, look at this mountain.
She's seen some stuff.
Upon closer inspection,
we see a wild, anxious world,
teeming with animals
who share many
of the same insecurities
that humans do.
We arrive in Guatemala
and turn our attention
to the skittish wild turkey.
Announcer: And now,
for another installment
in the adventures of
"Lanie,
the Socially Awkward Turkey."
Tonight's episode ‐‐
"Party Fowl."
♪♪
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Lanie:
Ugh! It's a party, Lanie.
Just laugh a little
and join the circle over there.
[ Laughs evilly ]
What am I doing?
Who laughs like that?
Am I a supervillain?
Normal laugh, Lanie.
Normal laugh!
[ Laughs like Popeye ]
Wow, my God. Am I Popeye?
Did they hear me laugh
like Popeye?
Oh, God, they did.
Quick, just do another laugh
that makes them forget
the last one!
[ Laughs like
Woody the Woodpecker ]
Why can't I be normal?
Announcer: Join us for Lanie's
next harrowing journey
of social interaction in
"Crowded Elevator Ride
of the Damned."
♪♪
Mirren: As we journey through
the realm of the animals,
we encounter a host
of fascinating creatures ‐‐
each with their own
unique world view.
♪♪
The meerkat places great value
on social interaction.
While the lone wolf,
true to its name,
prizes the power
of the individual.
And this hippopotamus believes
that the moon landing was faked.
But there is one creature
who holds a host of opinions ‐‐
and as we have already seen,
she's not shy
about sharing them.
[ Organ music plays ]
Gladys:
Hey, Brother Jacob!
My, my, my. You sang up a storm
with that solo!
The choir
just couldn't keep up!
Brother Jacob:
[ Sings off‐key ] ♪ I sing ♪
♪ Because I'm happy ♪
Mm‐hmm.
His voice is so bad,
Pastor called for an exorcism.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Announcer: Two faces.
One bird.
She is...
Judgy Church Owl.
[ Thunder rumbles ]
Ooh, look at how you
distilled me down
into one narrow
personality trait.
[ Chuckles ]
Bunch of lazy‐ass writin'.
♪♪
Mirren: As we journey
through nature,
we are struck by the scope
of our surroundings ‐‐
the vast seas,
the towering mountains,
and deserts, which...
well, they just go on
and on and on.
I mean, that's a lot
of unused space.
Maybe someone should put
a cute coffee place out there
or a tanning salon
or something.
Anyway, when admiring
the sheer expanse of this world,
it can be tempting to forget
about the details
hidden within
the smallest of places.
The Green Orchid Bees of Mexico
have a host of fascinating ‐‐
and tiny ‐‐ secrets to share.
[ Buzzing ]
Bob: [ New York accent ]
Well, buzz me sideways,
I never thought I'd see
somethin' like this.
Marty:
[ New York accent ] What is it?
What's going on in there, Bob?
Oh, Marty, you gotta see this.
You are never gonna believe it.
What, let me see?
Wow! This is
indescribable!
Everybody should get
to see this.
[ Laughs ]
I know, right?
Steve: [ New York accent ]
What's going on here, fellas?
Bob and Marty:
Get lost, Steve!
You got it.
Bob:
I need another look.
It's fascinating, this thing
I'm seeing with my eyes.
Marty: I know.
You sure you two
don't need help?
I have tools in my ‐‐
Bob and Marty:
Fly off and die, Steve!
Absolutely.
Actually, now that I get
a closer look...
Marty: You're right.
That looks incredibly dangerous.
I'm not going in.
Me neither.
I'm staying right here.
Bob and Marty: Hey, Steve!
♪♪
Mirren: Life on our planet
is unpredictable,
free‐wheeling,
and abruptly changes course
without hesitation.
Like one day,
you're playing Ophelia
in the Royal Shakespeare
Company's production
of "Hamlet," and next,
you're introducing videos
of talking baboons.
Well, maybe that's just me.
But how we persist in the face
of adversity
and accept our own
futile attempts at control
defines both human and animal.
♪♪
[ Tinkling ]
Bear: Who keeps
Christmas decorations up this ‐‐
Whoop! Ah!
Loose branch there if anyone's
taking down decora‐‐
Aah! [ Spits ]
Alright, if I hold these
in my mouth like this,
then twist these around,
and now we got a knot.
Oh, it's okay.
I'll put 'em away tangled
and just deal with it
after Thanksgiving.
Ooh. Come on, get down!
Let me just ‐‐
[ Groaning ]
Get untangled, you stupid
whimsical celebration of joy!
Aah! [ Spits ]
You know what? I give up.
Happy Christmas in July,
neighbors.
I'm going to the lake
for a drink.
♪♪
Mirren: Communication is
a vital tool in the wild,
allowing animal groups to share
information about threats,
food sources,
and ‐‐ one assumes ‐‐
the latest "hot goss"
about who's bonking who.
Whether by secreting pheromones,
trumpeting out a warning call,
or just updating
their vegan food blog,
animals have myriad ways
to share important news.
[ News theme music plays ]
Diane: Welcome to "WNC News."
I'm Diane Bonobo.
First up, Chief Meteorologist
Murray Marshwater
is live on location with a look
at our weekend weather.
Murray: Thanks, Diane.
More wet days ahead
due to the remnants
of Tropical Storm Kenny.
Now, we could see flash flooding
between now and the ‐‐ Whoa!
[ Gurgling ] Back to you
in the studio.
Diane: Thanks, Murray.
We've got some breaking news.
Noted predator Dennis Crab
has been spotted.
Let's go live
to the ocean floor.
Dennis: Stop following me.
A‐Are you filming me?
Reporter: Mr. Crab, why are you
running away from our cameras?
I'm not running away,
I'm just not gonna answer
any of your questions.
Just one question,
Mr. Crab ‐‐
are you a predator?
What? Me?
A predator?
That is the silliest thing
I've ever ‐‐ Oh, here we go!
He's running! He's running!
Let's go!
Mr. Crab!
Mr. Crab!
We have you on tape eating
literally thousands
of shrimp,
fish, snails.
I think you even ate a clam
once.
Are you honestly denying
that you're a predator?!
But how can I be a predator
when I'm a just an ordinary...
rock?
Ah, my mistake.
Nothing to see here.
Back to you, Diane.
Diane: Thank you, Rick.
That was truly some incredible
investigative journalism.
Coming up, humans ‐‐
can they actually speak?
And if so, what wacky things
would they say?
We'll find out after the break.
♪♪
♪♪
Mirren: Our Mother Earth
is a true natural beauty ‐‐
mesmerizing...
vibrant...
still got moves where it counts.
Earth really does look
terrific...
...which is pretty surprising,
given how much time
she spends in the sun.
The health of our planet
is reflected
in her many children ‐‐
like the Purple Swamp Hen
of eastern Asia,
who practice their own unique
form of self‐care.
Bird: [ Sighs ]
Time for my new audiobook.
Narrator: Welcome to "Meditation
for Total Badasses."
You're listening to this book,
so you must be a badass.
Yes, yes, I am a badass.
No, you're not!
Otherwise, you wouldn't need
the audiobook.
Right, right. Sorry.
Badasses also don't say sorry.
Stand up for yourself, man!
You're right.
Hey, I‐I don't think
you can talk to me
that way.
Whoa, what did you just say
to me?!
I'm sorry!
Don't say you're sorry!
Man, you're bad at this.
I'm starting to think,
you know,
maybe I'm not a badass
after all.
Maybe I have no business
even narrating this audiobook.
No, you ‐‐ you shouldn't be
so hard on yourself.
You have a lot
of amazing qualities.
Thanks.
I appreciate that.
Wait. I'm confused.
It's a pre‐recorded audiobook,
but you can hear me?
Don't you ever question
my methods!
I'm sorry!
♪♪
Mirren: The natural world rises
to greet us,
revealing itself not as some
unfamiliar, alien landscape,
but as a faint echo
of our own human society.
Take a look around and you spy
recognizable figures ‐‐
the headstrong alpha...
the doting parent...
the jabbering, insecure clown.
Ugh, no, I can't come
to your one‐man show
where you muse about your
struggles with online dating.
You know, I‐I‐I've got a thing.
And in their realm ‐‐
as in ours ‐‐
you must choose your compatriots
carefully,
as evidenced by
the Rock Hopper Penguins
of the Falkland Islands.
Terry: [ Groans ]
That's it, man.
No, no, no, no,
I'm outta here, okay?
I know when I'm not wanted.
Like, I don't need to take that
kind of [bleep] from anybody.
I deserve better than that.
...that noise. [ Hiccups ]
Friend: T‐Terry, come on.
Don't be like that.
Friend #2: Yeah,
we're having a great time!
Terry: You guys
are having a great time.
I am just getting
crapped on!
All we said was
"congratulations."
Dude, it's your bachelor party.
Come on!
It's how you said it,
okay?
I know you don't like
my fiancée.
Dude, come on!
I set you guys up.
She's my sister.
Well, maybe it's me
who doesn't like her.
He's got some thinking
to do.
We can still party,
though!
Whoo! Yeah!
Shots!
Yeah, shots!
Let's do some shots!
Shots! Shots! Shots!
♪♪
♪♪
[ Flamingos chattering ]
[ Organ music plays ]
♪♪
Gladys:
Hey, there, Sister Dana!
Your praise dance team
was breathtaking today!
Sister Dana:
Thank you, Gladys!
Take care!
Mm‐hmm. It's praise dancing,
not pole dancing.
The Lord never said,
"Let there be twerk."
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Announcer: She's nice...
until she isn't.
She is...
Judgy Church Owl.
[ Thunder rumbles ]
Oh, I love the way
you announce my name.
Such a commanding voice.
Broke‐ass, dollar‐store,
James Earl Jones knock‐off.
I heard that.
♪♪
Mirren: We set our sights now
on the fertile jungles
of South America ‐‐
one of the planet's
densest ecosystems.
These cradles of life
have evolved in tandem
with the animals
who dwell there.
And no creature knows
or respects
this delicate symbiosis
more than the spirited
and ostentatious
Black Howler Monkey.
♪♪
Damien: I'm Damien.
Raoul: And I'm Raoul.
And this is
our playground.
We are...
Both: The Brothers Parkour.
A‐Are y‐‐
Are you recording?
Uh, yeah.
Are you getting me?
Yeah, dude,
I'm getting you.
Alright, 'cause this is
literally the most extreme jump
we've ever done,
so I wanna, like ‐‐
Just do it already!
Okay, okay.
Here goes.
Ah, man, this is high.
Parkour is life!
Oh, fiddlesticks!
Oh, fiddlesticks!
Ohh!
Whoa, you did it!
With a one‐handed swing, too!
Oh, did you see that?
Nice, bro, nice.
Whoo‐hoo!
We're gonna get so many views
for that one.
Everyone
is gonna see that!
Oh, that was amazing.
How about we try one
where you're wearing pants?
[ Laughs ] Cool, cool.
Wait. Why?
♪♪
Mirren: As we've seen,
humans and animals share more
than just a planet.
We share striking similarities,
we share some of the same hopes
and fears,
and in some very rare cases,
we share bank accounts.
Hopefully, this sense of kinship
will continue to flourish.
For you never know
if you'll meet a new friend...
when nature calls.
[ Engine revving ]
[ Both owls snoring ]
Woodpecker: Okay,
back her in, boys!
Tony: [ Yawns ]
You gotta be kidding me.
Again with this racket?!
Owl: Do somethin', Tony!
Ptooey!
Hey, it's 6:00 a. m.!
We're tryin' to sleep over here!
You gotta problem,
take it up with de Blasio.
Ahhhhhh!
I can't take it!
We gotta go somewheres
peaceful, Tony!
That tears it,
we're movin' in
with your sister Janice
in Detroit!
♪♪
Mirren: The beauty of this
planet surrounds us all...
...enveloping us
in its gentle majesty.
But do we take
these many wonders for granted?
Baby Duck: [ Grunts ]
Babbling brook, my ass.
♪♪
Mirren:
As citizens of Earth,
we have witnessed
the powerful spectacle
of roaring waterfalls...
...breezes whispering
through lush jungle leaves...
...and the commanding crash
of ocean waves.
But have we ever truly listened?
[ Alligator belches ]
Our animal brethren
are both cunning and wise.
Now they will share
their stories
in their own voices.
Crane: I can't believe
you drank six lattes.
Crane #2: Oh, it's fine.
Caffeine barely affects me.
[ Laughs ] Oh, God!
I feel crazy!
But in a really, really, really,
really, really, really good way.
Like, I'm invincible
or something.
I'll run a bunch of errands
or something. I don't know.
But I do know
that I feel [bleep] great!
Mirren: Settle in and sit,
in slack‐jawed astonishment,
as you hear
what is revealed...
♪♪
[ Wind howling ]
Andres: You're alone.
Whisper your darkest secrets
into the wind.
I murdered my twin!
Squirrel: Andres,
is everything okay?
Uh...how much of that
did you hear?
Did anything come before
the whole twin murder thing?
No.
Then all of it.
[ Sighs ]
♪♪
Mirren: Let us travel now
to the arid desert...
a landscape as beautiful
as it is punishing.
A dry, unforgiving climate,
but one where passion
can still bloom.
And the speckled Namaqua
chameleons of the Namib Desert
have found another way
to attract a mate.
♪♪
Victor: My name is Victor,
and I am...
[ Tango music plays ]
...The Tango General.
Stanley: Wow.
You are the real deal.
Victor: Yes. Yes, I am.
Well,
my name is Stanley,
and I'm here
to learn the tango.
You do not learn
the tango.
You live it!
Whoa!
[ Grunting ] Are you normally
this aggressive?
Yes!
Where is your wife, Stanley?
She's home.
I'm trying to surprise her for
our 15th wedding anniversary.
So, it shall just be you and I
doing the dance of passion?
[ Grunting ] I hope
that's not awkward for you.
Awkward is
when your lover's lover
is also
your wife's lover's lover.
Okay,
so, super awkward then?
♪♪
Mirren: Nature boasts a wealth
of majestic animals,
their lithe bodies
honed to physical perfection
by the rigors of survival.
Ooh, baby, break me off
a piece of that.
But for every
totally jacked meerkat,
there is a gluttonous sea lion,
a beefy bear,
or a rather sloppy moose.
Yes, over‐indulgence ‐‐
in all its forms ‐‐
can be witnessed
throughout the animal kingdom,
and that includes
the typically even‐tempered
Northern Sea Otter of Alaska.
[ Guitar music playing ]
Lisa:
I freakin' love this song!
Jeffrey: I know, I know.
I'm glad you're having fun,
but just try
to keep it down.
I haven't been out of the house
since I had the baby
and I'm having the night
of my life!
Whoo!
Duck: Could you please lower
your voice?
Duck #2: We can barely hear
the music.
Lisa: What? Who do you think
you're freakin' talking to?!
This is a rock 'n' roll show,
bro!
Jeffrey: Lisa, no.
We are not doing this, please.
I'm fine!
Those losers are the ones
who suck!
Duck #2: Wow. You're really
embarrassing yourself.
O‐Oh, you want a piece
of this?
My husband will tear
every one of you apart!
Go get them, Jeffrey.
She had a little too much wine!
I am so sorry.
I'm not drunk!
I'm just having fun
at a rock 'n' rolling show
like you're 'apposed
to do!
Okay, okay.
Let's get you home.
Jeffrey's gonna kick
all your asses!
Can we go to a drive‐thru
on the way home?
♪♪
♪♪
Mirren: The pure, unbridled joy
of new discovery
is a cornerstone of childhood ‐‐
frolicking in an open meadow,
splashing in a mountain stream,
or tumbling into gaping holes
in the earth.
Wolf cub: Uhh!
Mirren: He'll be fine.
I assume.
Well, let us travel
to the jungles of Mexico
to visit
with the Spider Monkeys
and witness the ebullience
of youth in full display.
Baby: And then Aladdin
goes, "Jump!"
And he jumps off the building
and you, like, um,
he's gonna be hurt,
but he landed ‐‐
he's landed and he's okay.
Dad: Uh‐huh. I know, hun.
We just saw it.
Then there's this part
where Jafar says,
"Your daughter
will marry me,"
and the Sultan's eyes
get all "Whoa‐oa‐oa"
and she, um ‐‐ Jasmine,
she goes,
"I am not
some prize to be won!"
Yep, I remember.
The movie ended 15 minutes ago.
And then there's this song
that goes, um, um,
goes, um, um...
[ Humming ]
Honey, honey, maybe don't sing
and eat at the same time?
You're gonna choke.
And I know the song.
And then there's a part where
they get the lamp
in the Cave of Wonders,
but, um,
Abu touches some gold
and he's like, "Uh‐oh,"
and then it's lava everywhere
and they're like, "Aah, no!"
And you think they're stuck
forever, but, um...
Mm‐hmm,
but the genie saves them.
Hey, how'd you know that?
♪♪
Mirren: And now let us take a
glimpse into the dark mysteries
and hidden threats
that lurk beneath
the lush jungle canopy.
♪♪
Announcer: And now,
the continuing adventures
of "Nature Force Team."
When we last left them,
Evil Doctor Wartzer
had Scott trapped in his
dastardly death gunk...stuff.
Will Connie and Teddy be able
to save him in time?
Or will they all perish?
[ Scott grunting ]
What are you hanging
around here for?
I said go!
Connie:
I'm not leaving you!
Teddy: Neither am I!
Damn it, Connie!
The world needs you.
You are my world.
[ Dr. Wartzer laughs evilly ]
Looks like the Nature Force Team
isn't so powerful after all.
You'll never escape
my dastardly death gunk stuff!
[ Laughs ]
Teddy: Ugh, what is that stuff
doing to Scott, you madman?
Let's just say everything it
touches is rendered useless.
Everything?
Teddy: Everything?
What?
Like, everything?
Dr. Wartzer: Everything.
Teddy: Oh, well,
I'm just gonna try to help
from a higher branch.
Hey, Scott, listen,
we had a good run.
Announcer: Tune in next week
to hear Connie say...
Hey, Teddy.
Do you want to have coffee
later?
Oh, come on!
♪♪
♪♪
Teen girl: Okay, ladies,
I believe in us!
We can do this!
Cheer squad forever!
Sean: If you lose
your focal point,
you'll lose your balance,
Bryan!
Bryan: Do not yell at me
right now, Sean!
Teen girl #2: Stop fighting,
guys, we have to work together!
Go, team!
Melanie: Ow!
Jessica just stepped
on my ponytail!
Teen boy: You should've worn
a bun, Melanie!
Teen girl: Oh, my God,
we're doing it!
[ Cheering ]
Teen girl #2: It sucks our
school doesn't have any teams,
then people could actually
see us doing this.
Together: Yeah.
‐That is too bad.
‐Well, what are you gonna do?
Teen boy: You still should've
worn a bun, Melanie.
♪♪
Mirren: Animals in the wild
must overcome dangerous pitfalls
on a daily basis,
whether they are evading
a predator,
navigating a treacherous
river crossing,
or just avoiding their cousin
who keeps trying to get them
to buy into her essential oils
pyramid scheme.
But as in human society,
it is often best not to tackle
these obstacles alone ‐‐
a truism embraced
by the Asiatic Black Bear
and his monkey compatriot
in the foothills
of the Himalayas.
♪♪
Bear: I checked here.
I checked here.
I checked here.
I checked here.
Oh, I didn't check here,
but now I did!
I checked here.
Isn't this awesome?!
Monkey: Yep, I'm so glad
you took me to an escape room
for our anniversary.
I know, right?!
Yes, instead of a quiet,
candlelit dinner,
we're searching for a magnet
that'll open a box
to find a key that'll unlock
some other dumb thing.
Anything under here?
Nope,
just another dead end!
Oh, gosh,
escape rooms are fun!
[ Laughs sarcastically ]
Then you're gonna love
the next mystery ‐‐‐ who escapes
this relationship first?
Huh?! What?!
D‐Did you say something?!
Nope,
just looking for clues...
as to why I didn't marry
my high‐school sweetheart,
Jeff Bezos,
when I had the chance.
[ Chuckles sadly ]
♪♪
From mountainous expanses
of Nepal...
♪♪
...we plunge deep
into the waters
off the coast of Newfoundland.
Here, we see
that even down below,
an animal society
has its own set of rules ‐‐
and punishments for those
who break them.
♪♪
[ Military music plays ]
Master Sergeant:
I want you to eat ship, boys.
You will continue to eat ship
until you learn the meaning
of respect!
You will eat ship,
you will keep eating ship
until I get tired.
Or one of you can swim forward
and confess to this prank
right now!
Wash‐out recruit: I quit!
It's too hard!
And before you misjudge my
reaction to your little prank,
I'll have you know that I
possess a fine sense of humor.
Hell, I even enjoy
the existential banter
of "Calvin and Hobbes."
But luring
your commanding officer
into an online relationship
by posing as an attractive
female catfish,
well, that's not a prank.
In fact, there's a name
for that kind of deception,
which currently escapes me.
Recruit: I thought
it was hilarious.
Recruit Lee,
have you lost your appetite?
Recruit Lee: No, sir!
Still eating ship,
Staff Sergeant!
Mm‐mm!
That's what I like to hear!
Eat ship, boys.
I want to see
those ship‐eating grins.
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Well, what do you know ‐‐
I just got
another friend request
from a fetching young lady.
Sounds like Sarge
has still got it.
♪♪
Mirren: We leave
the briny depths
of the eastern Atlantic Ocean
and return to other,
even choppier waters
off the coast of Alaska.
♪♪
Let us see once again
how our outspoken friend,
the Northern Sea Otter,
is faring.
Lisa: Oh, back
for [hiccups] more, huh?
Look, I'm a mom, okay?
I work hard.
I play hard.
Jeffrey: Honey, please,
we already got kicked
out of the concert.
Just have some of this water.
No [bleep] that [bleep]
You said we're gonna get me
to go get waffles.
I want waffles, I want sausage,
and I want waffles.
Hey, you,
gimme a plate of waffles.
Valet duck: You are disturbing
the other guests, ma'am.
Security duck: Ma'am, I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.
Lisa: Don't you call me ma'am.
Give me my waffles.
Jeffrey: Lisa, honey,
those aren't waiters.
It's a valet
and a security guy.
We haven't left
the concert parking lot yet.
You're all just jealous!
Valet duck: [ Scoffs ] Geez.
Oh, now it's on, vest boys,
you [bleep] pieces of [bleep]
Okay, okay,
let's just get you in the car.
She's okay.
I'm gonna throw up,
I don't care.
I went to the rock 'n' roll show
and had fun.
I hate this minivan.
Yep, here it comes.
[ Retching ]
No, no, no.
[ Vomiting ]
♪♪
Mirren: Let us leave
our otter friends for now ‐‐
and don't worry, I checked,
she's not driving.
As we look around,
we realize that the sheer scope
of life on this planet
can be almost overwhelming.
A seemingly endless parade
of wild creatures
in every imaginable size,
shape,
and color ‐‐
except for penguins,
which to me,
look, you know,
pretty interchangeable.
But aside
from the boring‐ass penguins,
the natural world contains
such stunning variety
that it can be dizzying
to keep it all straight.
Charlie: I'm your host,
Charlie Heston,
and it's time to play...
"Same Bird, Different Bird"!
That's right. Now, Leslie.
Leslie: Huh?
Yes?
Is this bird...
Yes.
...the same
or different...
Uh‐huh.
...from this bird?
Oh, no.
And the clock starts...now.
Uh ‐‐ Same!
No! Yeah.
Different!
Wait! Same!
Right?
Or...different?
[ Buzzer ]
And your time is up!
[ Sad trombone ]
Aw, man!
The correct answer is...
that's the same bird...
Oh!
...by which we mean
the same species of bird...
Um, right.
...but a different
individual bird
than the first one.
So I win!
I'm sorry, you do not.
Seriously,
what the hell?
That's right ‐‐
simple game,
needlessly complicated rules!
See you next time on...
"Same Bird, Different Bird"!
♪♪
♪♪
Wolf: Where did I put
that perfume sample?
Ugh, I know
it's around here somewhere.
Ah, oh! Aha!
[ Muffled ] I knew forgetting
to cancel this subscription
would come in handy someday.
[ Chuckles ]
You are not ‐‐ I repeat, not ‐‐
gonna scare off another date
by smelling like butt.
Oh, that's right, this time,
you're gonna smell
like daffodils and fairy dust,
baby!
Ow, ow, owwww!
Hoo‐hoo! But obviously,
if I meet someone
who likes the smell of butt,
I can always wash this off.
♪♪
♪♪
Mirren: The world is populated
by a multitude of creatures...
all with different temperaments
and personalities ‐‐
some challenging or alluring,
while others
are downright annoying.
Aaaaaah!
Like when
my producer Jerry ‐‐
who I'm looking at right now ‐‐
keeps mouthing along
as I'm trying to read
my voice‐over script.
Jerry: I'm sorry.
Was I doing that again?
Yes, you were, Jerry,
and it's quite off‐putting.
[ Scoffs ]
We travel now to Angola,
where a pair of Colobus monkeys
encounter
a rather unique personality.
Monkey: Hey, does that guy
over there look, uh, stuck?
Monkey #2: Stuck?
Yeah, stuck.
Like he's...stuck there.
[ Orangutan grunting ]
I'm gonna see
if he needs help.
Ugh, male ego makes me cringe.
I‐I can't watch.
Hey! You stuck?
Who, me?
No, no, no, no.
Not stuck at all.
You look stuck!
Not stuck.
I am totally fine.
He's stuck.
Fully stuck.
You sure
you're not stuck?
Nope!
Just, uh, resting.
That's how you rest, with
everything...hyper‐extended?
Yeah, it's actually better
for you.
Most people don't know that.
Where are you going?
I'm leaving
before he hits on us.
He's literally stuck
and embarrassed right now.
You honestly think
he's gonna hit ‐‐
You two come here often
or what?
Why do I ever doubt it?
Why?
♪♪
Mirren: Another journey
through the living world,
with all its variety
and wonder,
draws to a close.
Yes, the achingly intricate ‐‐
Lisa: Blah, blah,
blah, blah.
Jeffrey, check out the lady
with her big, fancy words.
Uh, excuse me?
Look, I'm a mom, okay?
So ba‐‐ [hiccups] back off.
Jeffrey: Lisa, honey,
don't insult Helen Mirren.
I can insult
whoever I want.
And you know what,
Helen Mirrens?
I thought your performance
in "The Queen" was over‐rated.
Uh, excuse me, you listen to me,
you greasy ocean ferret.
This is my house,
and I will wreck you.
You hear me?
Put me on the record,
take back the Academy
and the Emmys.
Ohh, it's on.
No, let me out
of this voice‐over booth.
Jerry:
Helen, please, calm down.
It's just a drunk otter.
Don't touch me, Jerry!
Yeah, that's what I thought!
That's what I thought!
Jeffrey: I am so sorry,
Ms. Mirren.
You're all just jealous.
[ Exhales sharply ]
That was unfortunate.
Now...where was I?
Ah.
Another journey
through the living world,
with all its variety
and wonder,
draws to a close.
Yes, the achingly intricate
tapestry of wild animals ‐‐
You know what?
I'm still so jacked up
after that drunk otter
stepped to me.
I've ‐‐ I've just gotta walk
this off.
So please
just join us next time,
and remember to listen
closely...when nature calls.
[ Microphone drops, feedback ]
Jerry, I want to know
where that otter comes from.
What lake?
I'm going there.
I've got frequent flyer miles.
It's no problem.
She'll see me.
Anastasia: Hey, YouTubers!
It's your favorite drag queen,
Anastasia Labeijia!
And today, I'm showing you
a fierce makeup tutorial.
Right now,
I'm applying foundation.
Beat that face to the gods,
divas!
We're serving Dunkin' Donuts'
powdered Munchkin realness!
Ahh! Get into it, honey!
[ Knock on door ]
Roommate: LeRoy,
hurry up in there.
I need
to use the bathroom!
I'm making a video!
Mirren: Life on this planet
is a journey...
four billion years
in the making.
And yet, look around you
and realize
this endeavor
has only just begun.
Bird: Has it, though?
A world of true wonders,
a sprawling canvas
of endless possibilities.
And a home ‐‐ both welcoming
and challenging ‐‐
to the billions of creatures
who wander its surface,
each with their own
distinctive perspective.
Warthog: I'm into feet!
Mirren: Now, we finally have
the opportunity
to examine our humanity
through the lens
of the animal kingdom
and take an unflinching look
at a complex
and dignified world.
Sea Lion #1: ♪ Should auld
acquaintance be forgot ♪
Both: ♪ And never brought
to mind? ♪
♪ Should auld acquaintance
be forgot ♪
I love doing karaoke
with you.
Sea Lion #2:
Make out with me.
[ Kissing ]
Mirren: At long last,
our distant past
will intermingle
with the present
and share their secrets...
♪♪
♪♪
The natural world
is full of quiet wonder...
♪♪
...vast mountains
forever in repose...
♪♪
...oceans deep with mystery,
and trees,
which I think really tie
the whole "earthy vibe"
of the planet together.
But this realm is also full
of animals...
♪♪
...our chittering,
chattering chums.
So let us travel to the jungles
of Argentina,
where a pair of curious monkeys
experiment
with their surroundings.
Monkey #1: Don't you think we
should turn the power off first?
I think Terry's touching
the ground wire.
Jeff: Nonsense, all we need
to do is just stick this
into this and...
[ Electrical buzzing ]
Terry:
Guy‐uy‐uy‐uy‐uy‐uy‐uy‐uy‐uys.
Did it work?
No, something's off.
Sometimes
it takes a few tries.
Oy‐yoy‐yoy‐yoy‐yoy‐yoy‐yoy.
Do you smell that?
Smells like burnt bacon.
Yeah,
where's that coming from?
Aye‐ye‐ye‐ye‐ye‐ye‐ye‐ye!
Gug‐ug‐ug‐ug‐ug‐ug‐ug‐ug!
Holy [bleep]
What did you guys do?!
It was Jeff's fault!
Dude, come on!
♪♪
Mirren: Just like us,
our wild cousins
are social creatures ‐‐
constantly bumping
into one another,
their lives intersecting
in the most unexpected ways.
We watch these interactions
with keen interest,
but we do not pass judgment ‐‐
that is reserved
for the sharp‐eyed
North American Great Grey Owl.
♪♪
[ Organ music plays ]
Gladys:
Hey, Sister Louise!
Yes, girl,
that was a beautiful service!
Look at that gorgeous baby,
looking just like his mama.
Sister Louise:
Aw, thanks, Gladys!
Mm‐hmm.
He also looks
just like Pastor.
Pastor got more secret babies
than Maury got paternity tests.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Announcer:
Smiles to your face.
Stabs you in the back.
She is Judgy Church Owl.
[ Thunder rumbles ]
Oh, very impressive
special effects!
What'd you spend, 30 bucks
on that garbage?
♪♪
Mirren: Animals are inherently
itinerant creatures,
always on the move,
in search of fresh water,
shelter from the elements,
or just a good slice
of New York‐style pizza.
Oh, none of that deep‐dish,
Chicago‐style garbage.
And don't "at" me ‐‐
you know I'm right.
But a life of constant wandering
can leave one feeling
untethered,
like this roaming herd
of African elephants.
Deb: Where the heck
are the Stevensons?
Cath: Last I heard they were
on their way.
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
Oh!
Speak of the devil.
Hi, yeah, Dave?
Where are you guys?
Dave:
Uh, where are you guys?
We're by the water.
It's beautiful!
Tell him
we're by the birds!
We're by the birds.
You mean like bird bones?
[ Chuckles ]
There's quite a few skeletons
around here.
Linda: I told you
this wasn't right.
Kid:
Dad, the sand is hot.
I don't think
you're at the right beach.
Ours is the one
with water.
Dave: Ah, got it.
Why are we
turning around?
Linda: Because Daddy
accidentally drove us
to the desert.
Because sometimes daddies
are too proud
to admit
when they don't know something.
We're on our way,
Cath!
We'll be there
in, uh...
About an hour
and a half.
'Bout a half‐hour!
I see water!
That's a mirage,
honey.
Dave, your son
is hallucinating.
♪♪
Mirren: The natural world
is replete
with all manner
of wild animals.
Vast and varied, there are
more animals on our planet
than there are fish in the sea.
Hmm, not quite sure
that makes any sense.
Full disclosure ‐‐
I'm kind of talking
out of my butt here.
Nevertheless,
this menagerie of life
can be distilled
with brutal simplicity.
There are the hunters...
and the hunted.
♪♪
Crane: Well, well, well, well,
what do we have here?
Secluded entryway,
no sign of any dogs,
no home security system.
Homeowner:
Can I help you?
Who, me?
Yes, the porch pirate looking
through my windows.
Can I help you?
Porch pirate? Me?
[ Chuckles ] That's rich.
Can I ask
what you're doing?
Just, uh...goin' round,
makin' the rounds.
Doing what, exactly?
Levels mostly.
Checking the levels.
And what company
are you with?
What company am I
checking the levels with?
The, uh, uh ‐‐
And don't say
"The Levels Company."
I wasn't going to.
I'm with
"Levels, Incorporated."
Great, well, is there, like,
a number I can call
or a website I can...
Oh, oh. no. That's too bad.
You froze!
Must be a problem
with my doorbell camera.
Totally.
It's weird ‐‐
if the camera's frozen,
why are the trees behind you
still moving?
I'm not a tree guy.
I don't know.
I just work
for Levels, Incorporated.
Well, now that we've
cleared this up,
I guess it's time to let
my two angry Rottweilers out.
[ Squealing ]
♪♪
Mirren:
From the forests of Japan,
we take to the skies.
From this vantage,
we spy a natural world
of order and patterns,
suggesting
an unwavering confidence,
steadfast from the wisdom
that comes
from millions of years
of existence.
I mean, look at this mountain.
She's seen some stuff.
Upon closer inspection,
we see a wild, anxious world,
teeming with animals
who share many
of the same insecurities
that humans do.
We arrive in Guatemala
and turn our attention
to the skittish wild turkey.
Announcer: And now,
for another installment
in the adventures of
"Lanie,
the Socially Awkward Turkey."
Tonight's episode ‐‐
"Party Fowl."
♪♪
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Lanie:
Ugh! It's a party, Lanie.
Just laugh a little
and join the circle over there.
[ Laughs evilly ]
What am I doing?
Who laughs like that?
Am I a supervillain?
Normal laugh, Lanie.
Normal laugh!
[ Laughs like Popeye ]
Wow, my God. Am I Popeye?
Did they hear me laugh
like Popeye?
Oh, God, they did.
Quick, just do another laugh
that makes them forget
the last one!
[ Laughs like
Woody the Woodpecker ]
Why can't I be normal?
Announcer: Join us for Lanie's
next harrowing journey
of social interaction in
"Crowded Elevator Ride
of the Damned."
♪♪
Mirren: As we journey through
the realm of the animals,
we encounter a host
of fascinating creatures ‐‐
each with their own
unique world view.
♪♪
The meerkat places great value
on social interaction.
While the lone wolf,
true to its name,
prizes the power
of the individual.
And this hippopotamus believes
that the moon landing was faked.
But there is one creature
who holds a host of opinions ‐‐
and as we have already seen,
she's not shy
about sharing them.
[ Organ music plays ]
Gladys:
Hey, Brother Jacob!
My, my, my. You sang up a storm
with that solo!
The choir
just couldn't keep up!
Brother Jacob:
[ Sings off‐key ] ♪ I sing ♪
♪ Because I'm happy ♪
Mm‐hmm.
His voice is so bad,
Pastor called for an exorcism.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Announcer: Two faces.
One bird.
She is...
Judgy Church Owl.
[ Thunder rumbles ]
Ooh, look at how you
distilled me down
into one narrow
personality trait.
[ Chuckles ]
Bunch of lazy‐ass writin'.
♪♪
Mirren: As we journey
through nature,
we are struck by the scope
of our surroundings ‐‐
the vast seas,
the towering mountains,
and deserts, which...
well, they just go on
and on and on.
I mean, that's a lot
of unused space.
Maybe someone should put
a cute coffee place out there
or a tanning salon
or something.
Anyway, when admiring
the sheer expanse of this world,
it can be tempting to forget
about the details
hidden within
the smallest of places.
The Green Orchid Bees of Mexico
have a host of fascinating ‐‐
and tiny ‐‐ secrets to share.
[ Buzzing ]
Bob: [ New York accent ]
Well, buzz me sideways,
I never thought I'd see
somethin' like this.
Marty:
[ New York accent ] What is it?
What's going on in there, Bob?
Oh, Marty, you gotta see this.
You are never gonna believe it.
What, let me see?
Wow! This is
indescribable!
Everybody should get
to see this.
[ Laughs ]
I know, right?
Steve: [ New York accent ]
What's going on here, fellas?
Bob and Marty:
Get lost, Steve!
You got it.
Bob:
I need another look.
It's fascinating, this thing
I'm seeing with my eyes.
Marty: I know.
You sure you two
don't need help?
I have tools in my ‐‐
Bob and Marty:
Fly off and die, Steve!
Absolutely.
Actually, now that I get
a closer look...
Marty: You're right.
That looks incredibly dangerous.
I'm not going in.
Me neither.
I'm staying right here.
Bob and Marty: Hey, Steve!
♪♪
Mirren: Life on our planet
is unpredictable,
free‐wheeling,
and abruptly changes course
without hesitation.
Like one day,
you're playing Ophelia
in the Royal Shakespeare
Company's production
of "Hamlet," and next,
you're introducing videos
of talking baboons.
Well, maybe that's just me.
But how we persist in the face
of adversity
and accept our own
futile attempts at control
defines both human and animal.
♪♪
[ Tinkling ]
Bear: Who keeps
Christmas decorations up this ‐‐
Whoop! Ah!
Loose branch there if anyone's
taking down decora‐‐
Aah! [ Spits ]
Alright, if I hold these
in my mouth like this,
then twist these around,
and now we got a knot.
Oh, it's okay.
I'll put 'em away tangled
and just deal with it
after Thanksgiving.
Ooh. Come on, get down!
Let me just ‐‐
[ Groaning ]
Get untangled, you stupid
whimsical celebration of joy!
Aah! [ Spits ]
You know what? I give up.
Happy Christmas in July,
neighbors.
I'm going to the lake
for a drink.
♪♪
Mirren: Communication is
a vital tool in the wild,
allowing animal groups to share
information about threats,
food sources,
and ‐‐ one assumes ‐‐
the latest "hot goss"
about who's bonking who.
Whether by secreting pheromones,
trumpeting out a warning call,
or just updating
their vegan food blog,
animals have myriad ways
to share important news.
[ News theme music plays ]
Diane: Welcome to "WNC News."
I'm Diane Bonobo.
First up, Chief Meteorologist
Murray Marshwater
is live on location with a look
at our weekend weather.
Murray: Thanks, Diane.
More wet days ahead
due to the remnants
of Tropical Storm Kenny.
Now, we could see flash flooding
between now and the ‐‐ Whoa!
[ Gurgling ] Back to you
in the studio.
Diane: Thanks, Murray.
We've got some breaking news.
Noted predator Dennis Crab
has been spotted.
Let's go live
to the ocean floor.
Dennis: Stop following me.
A‐Are you filming me?
Reporter: Mr. Crab, why are you
running away from our cameras?
I'm not running away,
I'm just not gonna answer
any of your questions.
Just one question,
Mr. Crab ‐‐
are you a predator?
What? Me?
A predator?
That is the silliest thing
I've ever ‐‐ Oh, here we go!
He's running! He's running!
Let's go!
Mr. Crab!
Mr. Crab!
We have you on tape eating
literally thousands
of shrimp,
fish, snails.
I think you even ate a clam
once.
Are you honestly denying
that you're a predator?!
But how can I be a predator
when I'm a just an ordinary...
rock?
Ah, my mistake.
Nothing to see here.
Back to you, Diane.
Diane: Thank you, Rick.
That was truly some incredible
investigative journalism.
Coming up, humans ‐‐
can they actually speak?
And if so, what wacky things
would they say?
We'll find out after the break.
♪♪
♪♪
Mirren: Our Mother Earth
is a true natural beauty ‐‐
mesmerizing...
vibrant...
still got moves where it counts.
Earth really does look
terrific...
...which is pretty surprising,
given how much time
she spends in the sun.
The health of our planet
is reflected
in her many children ‐‐
like the Purple Swamp Hen
of eastern Asia,
who practice their own unique
form of self‐care.
Bird: [ Sighs ]
Time for my new audiobook.
Narrator: Welcome to "Meditation
for Total Badasses."
You're listening to this book,
so you must be a badass.
Yes, yes, I am a badass.
No, you're not!
Otherwise, you wouldn't need
the audiobook.
Right, right. Sorry.
Badasses also don't say sorry.
Stand up for yourself, man!
You're right.
Hey, I‐I don't think
you can talk to me
that way.
Whoa, what did you just say
to me?!
I'm sorry!
Don't say you're sorry!
Man, you're bad at this.
I'm starting to think,
you know,
maybe I'm not a badass
after all.
Maybe I have no business
even narrating this audiobook.
No, you ‐‐ you shouldn't be
so hard on yourself.
You have a lot
of amazing qualities.
Thanks.
I appreciate that.
Wait. I'm confused.
It's a pre‐recorded audiobook,
but you can hear me?
Don't you ever question
my methods!
I'm sorry!
♪♪
Mirren: The natural world rises
to greet us,
revealing itself not as some
unfamiliar, alien landscape,
but as a faint echo
of our own human society.
Take a look around and you spy
recognizable figures ‐‐
the headstrong alpha...
the doting parent...
the jabbering, insecure clown.
Ugh, no, I can't come
to your one‐man show
where you muse about your
struggles with online dating.
You know, I‐I‐I've got a thing.
And in their realm ‐‐
as in ours ‐‐
you must choose your compatriots
carefully,
as evidenced by
the Rock Hopper Penguins
of the Falkland Islands.
Terry: [ Groans ]
That's it, man.
No, no, no, no,
I'm outta here, okay?
I know when I'm not wanted.
Like, I don't need to take that
kind of [bleep] from anybody.
I deserve better than that.
...that noise. [ Hiccups ]
Friend: T‐Terry, come on.
Don't be like that.
Friend #2: Yeah,
we're having a great time!
Terry: You guys
are having a great time.
I am just getting
crapped on!
All we said was
"congratulations."
Dude, it's your bachelor party.
Come on!
It's how you said it,
okay?
I know you don't like
my fiancée.
Dude, come on!
I set you guys up.
She's my sister.
Well, maybe it's me
who doesn't like her.
He's got some thinking
to do.
We can still party,
though!
Whoo! Yeah!
Shots!
Yeah, shots!
Let's do some shots!
Shots! Shots! Shots!
♪♪
♪♪
[ Flamingos chattering ]
[ Organ music plays ]
♪♪
Gladys:
Hey, there, Sister Dana!
Your praise dance team
was breathtaking today!
Sister Dana:
Thank you, Gladys!
Take care!
Mm‐hmm. It's praise dancing,
not pole dancing.
The Lord never said,
"Let there be twerk."
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Announcer: She's nice...
until she isn't.
She is...
Judgy Church Owl.
[ Thunder rumbles ]
Oh, I love the way
you announce my name.
Such a commanding voice.
Broke‐ass, dollar‐store,
James Earl Jones knock‐off.
I heard that.
♪♪
Mirren: We set our sights now
on the fertile jungles
of South America ‐‐
one of the planet's
densest ecosystems.
These cradles of life
have evolved in tandem
with the animals
who dwell there.
And no creature knows
or respects
this delicate symbiosis
more than the spirited
and ostentatious
Black Howler Monkey.
♪♪
Damien: I'm Damien.
Raoul: And I'm Raoul.
And this is
our playground.
We are...
Both: The Brothers Parkour.
A‐Are y‐‐
Are you recording?
Uh, yeah.
Are you getting me?
Yeah, dude,
I'm getting you.
Alright, 'cause this is
literally the most extreme jump
we've ever done,
so I wanna, like ‐‐
Just do it already!
Okay, okay.
Here goes.
Ah, man, this is high.
Parkour is life!
Oh, fiddlesticks!
Oh, fiddlesticks!
Ohh!
Whoa, you did it!
With a one‐handed swing, too!
Oh, did you see that?
Nice, bro, nice.
Whoo‐hoo!
We're gonna get so many views
for that one.
Everyone
is gonna see that!
Oh, that was amazing.
How about we try one
where you're wearing pants?
[ Laughs ] Cool, cool.
Wait. Why?
♪♪
Mirren: As we've seen,
humans and animals share more
than just a planet.
We share striking similarities,
we share some of the same hopes
and fears,
and in some very rare cases,
we share bank accounts.
Hopefully, this sense of kinship
will continue to flourish.
For you never know
if you'll meet a new friend...
when nature calls.
[ Engine revving ]
[ Both owls snoring ]
Woodpecker: Okay,
back her in, boys!
Tony: [ Yawns ]
You gotta be kidding me.
Again with this racket?!
Owl: Do somethin', Tony!
Ptooey!
Hey, it's 6:00 a. m.!
We're tryin' to sleep over here!
You gotta problem,
take it up with de Blasio.
Ahhhhhh!
I can't take it!
We gotta go somewheres
peaceful, Tony!
That tears it,
we're movin' in
with your sister Janice
in Detroit!
♪♪
Mirren: The beauty of this
planet surrounds us all...
...enveloping us
in its gentle majesty.
But do we take
these many wonders for granted?
Baby Duck: [ Grunts ]
Babbling brook, my ass.
♪♪
Mirren:
As citizens of Earth,
we have witnessed
the powerful spectacle
of roaring waterfalls...
...breezes whispering
through lush jungle leaves...
...and the commanding crash
of ocean waves.
But have we ever truly listened?
[ Alligator belches ]
Our animal brethren
are both cunning and wise.
Now they will share
their stories
in their own voices.
Crane: I can't believe
you drank six lattes.
Crane #2: Oh, it's fine.
Caffeine barely affects me.
[ Laughs ] Oh, God!
I feel crazy!
But in a really, really, really,
really, really, really good way.
Like, I'm invincible
or something.
I'll run a bunch of errands
or something. I don't know.
But I do know
that I feel [bleep] great!
Mirren: Settle in and sit,
in slack‐jawed astonishment,
as you hear
what is revealed...
♪♪
[ Wind howling ]
Andres: You're alone.
Whisper your darkest secrets
into the wind.
I murdered my twin!
Squirrel: Andres,
is everything okay?
Uh...how much of that
did you hear?
Did anything come before
the whole twin murder thing?
No.
Then all of it.
[ Sighs ]
♪♪
Mirren: Let us travel now
to the arid desert...
a landscape as beautiful
as it is punishing.
A dry, unforgiving climate,
but one where passion
can still bloom.
And the speckled Namaqua
chameleons of the Namib Desert
have found another way
to attract a mate.
♪♪
Victor: My name is Victor,
and I am...
[ Tango music plays ]
...The Tango General.
Stanley: Wow.
You are the real deal.
Victor: Yes. Yes, I am.
Well,
my name is Stanley,
and I'm here
to learn the tango.
You do not learn
the tango.
You live it!
Whoa!
[ Grunting ] Are you normally
this aggressive?
Yes!
Where is your wife, Stanley?
She's home.
I'm trying to surprise her for
our 15th wedding anniversary.
So, it shall just be you and I
doing the dance of passion?
[ Grunting ] I hope
that's not awkward for you.
Awkward is
when your lover's lover
is also
your wife's lover's lover.
Okay,
so, super awkward then?
♪♪
Mirren: Nature boasts a wealth
of majestic animals,
their lithe bodies
honed to physical perfection
by the rigors of survival.
Ooh, baby, break me off
a piece of that.
But for every
totally jacked meerkat,
there is a gluttonous sea lion,
a beefy bear,
or a rather sloppy moose.
Yes, over‐indulgence ‐‐
in all its forms ‐‐
can be witnessed
throughout the animal kingdom,
and that includes
the typically even‐tempered
Northern Sea Otter of Alaska.
[ Guitar music playing ]
Lisa:
I freakin' love this song!
Jeffrey: I know, I know.
I'm glad you're having fun,
but just try
to keep it down.
I haven't been out of the house
since I had the baby
and I'm having the night
of my life!
Whoo!
Duck: Could you please lower
your voice?
Duck #2: We can barely hear
the music.
Lisa: What? Who do you think
you're freakin' talking to?!
This is a rock 'n' roll show,
bro!
Jeffrey: Lisa, no.
We are not doing this, please.
I'm fine!
Those losers are the ones
who suck!
Duck #2: Wow. You're really
embarrassing yourself.
O‐Oh, you want a piece
of this?
My husband will tear
every one of you apart!
Go get them, Jeffrey.
She had a little too much wine!
I am so sorry.
I'm not drunk!
I'm just having fun
at a rock 'n' rolling show
like you're 'apposed
to do!
Okay, okay.
Let's get you home.
Jeffrey's gonna kick
all your asses!
Can we go to a drive‐thru
on the way home?
♪♪
♪♪
Mirren: The pure, unbridled joy
of new discovery
is a cornerstone of childhood ‐‐
frolicking in an open meadow,
splashing in a mountain stream,
or tumbling into gaping holes
in the earth.
Wolf cub: Uhh!
Mirren: He'll be fine.
I assume.
Well, let us travel
to the jungles of Mexico
to visit
with the Spider Monkeys
and witness the ebullience
of youth in full display.
Baby: And then Aladdin
goes, "Jump!"
And he jumps off the building
and you, like, um,
he's gonna be hurt,
but he landed ‐‐
he's landed and he's okay.
Dad: Uh‐huh. I know, hun.
We just saw it.
Then there's this part
where Jafar says,
"Your daughter
will marry me,"
and the Sultan's eyes
get all "Whoa‐oa‐oa"
and she, um ‐‐ Jasmine,
she goes,
"I am not
some prize to be won!"
Yep, I remember.
The movie ended 15 minutes ago.
And then there's this song
that goes, um, um,
goes, um, um...
[ Humming ]
Honey, honey, maybe don't sing
and eat at the same time?
You're gonna choke.
And I know the song.
And then there's a part where
they get the lamp
in the Cave of Wonders,
but, um,
Abu touches some gold
and he's like, "Uh‐oh,"
and then it's lava everywhere
and they're like, "Aah, no!"
And you think they're stuck
forever, but, um...
Mm‐hmm,
but the genie saves them.
Hey, how'd you know that?
♪♪
Mirren: And now let us take a
glimpse into the dark mysteries
and hidden threats
that lurk beneath
the lush jungle canopy.
♪♪
Announcer: And now,
the continuing adventures
of "Nature Force Team."
When we last left them,
Evil Doctor Wartzer
had Scott trapped in his
dastardly death gunk...stuff.
Will Connie and Teddy be able
to save him in time?
Or will they all perish?
[ Scott grunting ]
What are you hanging
around here for?
I said go!
Connie:
I'm not leaving you!
Teddy: Neither am I!
Damn it, Connie!
The world needs you.
You are my world.
[ Dr. Wartzer laughs evilly ]
Looks like the Nature Force Team
isn't so powerful after all.
You'll never escape
my dastardly death gunk stuff!
[ Laughs ]
Teddy: Ugh, what is that stuff
doing to Scott, you madman?
Let's just say everything it
touches is rendered useless.
Everything?
Teddy: Everything?
What?
Like, everything?
Dr. Wartzer: Everything.
Teddy: Oh, well,
I'm just gonna try to help
from a higher branch.
Hey, Scott, listen,
we had a good run.
Announcer: Tune in next week
to hear Connie say...
Hey, Teddy.
Do you want to have coffee
later?
Oh, come on!
♪♪
♪♪
Teen girl: Okay, ladies,
I believe in us!
We can do this!
Cheer squad forever!
Sean: If you lose
your focal point,
you'll lose your balance,
Bryan!
Bryan: Do not yell at me
right now, Sean!
Teen girl #2: Stop fighting,
guys, we have to work together!
Go, team!
Melanie: Ow!
Jessica just stepped
on my ponytail!
Teen boy: You should've worn
a bun, Melanie!
Teen girl: Oh, my God,
we're doing it!
[ Cheering ]
Teen girl #2: It sucks our
school doesn't have any teams,
then people could actually
see us doing this.
Together: Yeah.
‐That is too bad.
‐Well, what are you gonna do?
Teen boy: You still should've
worn a bun, Melanie.
♪♪
Mirren: Animals in the wild
must overcome dangerous pitfalls
on a daily basis,
whether they are evading
a predator,
navigating a treacherous
river crossing,
or just avoiding their cousin
who keeps trying to get them
to buy into her essential oils
pyramid scheme.
But as in human society,
it is often best not to tackle
these obstacles alone ‐‐
a truism embraced
by the Asiatic Black Bear
and his monkey compatriot
in the foothills
of the Himalayas.
♪♪
Bear: I checked here.
I checked here.
I checked here.
I checked here.
Oh, I didn't check here,
but now I did!
I checked here.
Isn't this awesome?!
Monkey: Yep, I'm so glad
you took me to an escape room
for our anniversary.
I know, right?!
Yes, instead of a quiet,
candlelit dinner,
we're searching for a magnet
that'll open a box
to find a key that'll unlock
some other dumb thing.
Anything under here?
Nope,
just another dead end!
Oh, gosh,
escape rooms are fun!
[ Laughs sarcastically ]
Then you're gonna love
the next mystery ‐‐‐ who escapes
this relationship first?
Huh?! What?!
D‐Did you say something?!
Nope,
just looking for clues...
as to why I didn't marry
my high‐school sweetheart,
Jeff Bezos,
when I had the chance.
[ Chuckles sadly ]
♪♪
From mountainous expanses
of Nepal...
♪♪
...we plunge deep
into the waters
off the coast of Newfoundland.
Here, we see
that even down below,
an animal society
has its own set of rules ‐‐
and punishments for those
who break them.
♪♪
[ Military music plays ]
Master Sergeant:
I want you to eat ship, boys.
You will continue to eat ship
until you learn the meaning
of respect!
You will eat ship,
you will keep eating ship
until I get tired.
Or one of you can swim forward
and confess to this prank
right now!
Wash‐out recruit: I quit!
It's too hard!
And before you misjudge my
reaction to your little prank,
I'll have you know that I
possess a fine sense of humor.
Hell, I even enjoy
the existential banter
of "Calvin and Hobbes."
But luring
your commanding officer
into an online relationship
by posing as an attractive
female catfish,
well, that's not a prank.
In fact, there's a name
for that kind of deception,
which currently escapes me.
Recruit: I thought
it was hilarious.
Recruit Lee,
have you lost your appetite?
Recruit Lee: No, sir!
Still eating ship,
Staff Sergeant!
Mm‐mm!
That's what I like to hear!
Eat ship, boys.
I want to see
those ship‐eating grins.
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Well, what do you know ‐‐
I just got
another friend request
from a fetching young lady.
Sounds like Sarge
has still got it.
♪♪
Mirren: We leave
the briny depths
of the eastern Atlantic Ocean
and return to other,
even choppier waters
off the coast of Alaska.
♪♪
Let us see once again
how our outspoken friend,
the Northern Sea Otter,
is faring.
Lisa: Oh, back
for [hiccups] more, huh?
Look, I'm a mom, okay?
I work hard.
I play hard.
Jeffrey: Honey, please,
we already got kicked
out of the concert.
Just have some of this water.
No [bleep] that [bleep]
You said we're gonna get me
to go get waffles.
I want waffles, I want sausage,
and I want waffles.
Hey, you,
gimme a plate of waffles.
Valet duck: You are disturbing
the other guests, ma'am.
Security duck: Ma'am, I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.
Lisa: Don't you call me ma'am.
Give me my waffles.
Jeffrey: Lisa, honey,
those aren't waiters.
It's a valet
and a security guy.
We haven't left
the concert parking lot yet.
You're all just jealous!
Valet duck: [ Scoffs ] Geez.
Oh, now it's on, vest boys,
you [bleep] pieces of [bleep]
Okay, okay,
let's just get you in the car.
She's okay.
I'm gonna throw up,
I don't care.
I went to the rock 'n' roll show
and had fun.
I hate this minivan.
Yep, here it comes.
[ Retching ]
No, no, no.
[ Vomiting ]
♪♪
Mirren: Let us leave
our otter friends for now ‐‐
and don't worry, I checked,
she's not driving.
As we look around,
we realize that the sheer scope
of life on this planet
can be almost overwhelming.
A seemingly endless parade
of wild creatures
in every imaginable size,
shape,
and color ‐‐
except for penguins,
which to me,
look, you know,
pretty interchangeable.
But aside
from the boring‐ass penguins,
the natural world contains
such stunning variety
that it can be dizzying
to keep it all straight.
Charlie: I'm your host,
Charlie Heston,
and it's time to play...
"Same Bird, Different Bird"!
That's right. Now, Leslie.
Leslie: Huh?
Yes?
Is this bird...
Yes.
...the same
or different...
Uh‐huh.
...from this bird?
Oh, no.
And the clock starts...now.
Uh ‐‐ Same!
No! Yeah.
Different!
Wait! Same!
Right?
Or...different?
[ Buzzer ]
And your time is up!
[ Sad trombone ]
Aw, man!
The correct answer is...
that's the same bird...
Oh!
...by which we mean
the same species of bird...
Um, right.
...but a different
individual bird
than the first one.
So I win!
I'm sorry, you do not.
Seriously,
what the hell?
That's right ‐‐
simple game,
needlessly complicated rules!
See you next time on...
"Same Bird, Different Bird"!
♪♪
♪♪
Wolf: Where did I put
that perfume sample?
Ugh, I know
it's around here somewhere.
Ah, oh! Aha!
[ Muffled ] I knew forgetting
to cancel this subscription
would come in handy someday.
[ Chuckles ]
You are not ‐‐ I repeat, not ‐‐
gonna scare off another date
by smelling like butt.
Oh, that's right, this time,
you're gonna smell
like daffodils and fairy dust,
baby!
Ow, ow, owwww!
Hoo‐hoo! But obviously,
if I meet someone
who likes the smell of butt,
I can always wash this off.
♪♪
♪♪
Mirren: The world is populated
by a multitude of creatures...
all with different temperaments
and personalities ‐‐
some challenging or alluring,
while others
are downright annoying.
Aaaaaah!
Like when
my producer Jerry ‐‐
who I'm looking at right now ‐‐
keeps mouthing along
as I'm trying to read
my voice‐over script.
Jerry: I'm sorry.
Was I doing that again?
Yes, you were, Jerry,
and it's quite off‐putting.
[ Scoffs ]
We travel now to Angola,
where a pair of Colobus monkeys
encounter
a rather unique personality.
Monkey: Hey, does that guy
over there look, uh, stuck?
Monkey #2: Stuck?
Yeah, stuck.
Like he's...stuck there.
[ Orangutan grunting ]
I'm gonna see
if he needs help.
Ugh, male ego makes me cringe.
I‐I can't watch.
Hey! You stuck?
Who, me?
No, no, no, no.
Not stuck at all.
You look stuck!
Not stuck.
I am totally fine.
He's stuck.
Fully stuck.
You sure
you're not stuck?
Nope!
Just, uh, resting.
That's how you rest, with
everything...hyper‐extended?
Yeah, it's actually better
for you.
Most people don't know that.
Where are you going?
I'm leaving
before he hits on us.
He's literally stuck
and embarrassed right now.
You honestly think
he's gonna hit ‐‐
You two come here often
or what?
Why do I ever doubt it?
Why?
♪♪
Mirren: Another journey
through the living world,
with all its variety
and wonder,
draws to a close.
Yes, the achingly intricate ‐‐
Lisa: Blah, blah,
blah, blah.
Jeffrey, check out the lady
with her big, fancy words.
Uh, excuse me?
Look, I'm a mom, okay?
So ba‐‐ [hiccups] back off.
Jeffrey: Lisa, honey,
don't insult Helen Mirren.
I can insult
whoever I want.
And you know what,
Helen Mirrens?
I thought your performance
in "The Queen" was over‐rated.
Uh, excuse me, you listen to me,
you greasy ocean ferret.
This is my house,
and I will wreck you.
You hear me?
Put me on the record,
take back the Academy
and the Emmys.
Ohh, it's on.
No, let me out
of this voice‐over booth.
Jerry:
Helen, please, calm down.
It's just a drunk otter.
Don't touch me, Jerry!
Yeah, that's what I thought!
That's what I thought!
Jeffrey: I am so sorry,
Ms. Mirren.
You're all just jealous.
[ Exhales sharply ]
That was unfortunate.
Now...where was I?
Ah.
Another journey
through the living world,
with all its variety
and wonder,
draws to a close.
Yes, the achingly intricate
tapestry of wild animals ‐‐
You know what?
I'm still so jacked up
after that drunk otter
stepped to me.
I've ‐‐ I've just gotta walk
this off.
So please
just join us next time,
and remember to listen
closely...when nature calls.
[ Microphone drops, feedback ]
Jerry, I want to know
where that otter comes from.
What lake?
I'm going there.
I've got frequent flyer miles.
It's no problem.
She'll see me.
Anastasia: Hey, YouTubers!
It's your favorite drag queen,
Anastasia Labeijia!
And today, I'm showing you
a fierce makeup tutorial.
Right now,
I'm applying foundation.
Beat that face to the gods,
divas!
We're serving Dunkin' Donuts'
powdered Munchkin realness!
Ahh! Get into it, honey!
[ Knock on door ]
Roommate: LeRoy,
hurry up in there.
I need
to use the bathroom!
I'm making a video!