Whatever This Is. (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Broke - full transcript

Oscar, have you ever seen a film called The Matrix?

Six months ago, my roommate attempted suicide.

ARI: We make a good first episode,

we'll have work for a while.

That's the plan.

Sam's big plan to make us have a career.

There is a plan.

LISA: Dad, don't worry. OK?

ARI: Why is he the worst?

TOBY: You should meet his boss...

like this total Greek-myth-monster person.



ARI: Sam! What are you doing?

My actual job is really important.

HOWARD: Miss Lisa teaches my child.

LISA: Fuck.

What the fuck, though?

I don't know.

I got home right before you guys did.

What the fuck?

And you already...

Yes, of course.

Everywhere.

LISA: It's gone.

ARI: How long do we have?

Tomorrow.



It's due tomorrow.

Maybe Leon will cut us some slack.

When has Leon ever cut us any slack?

I don't think landlords are big on slack.

Historically.

It's OK.

I have a plan.

What?

Mmm...nothing.

- What's the plan, big guy?
- We're listening.

OK. We're going to...

Seriously, what is with you guys?

I don't know! It's just...

What happened to the other plan?

What?

The one where we move to New York
and work for two years,

and then we have the jobs we want.

And you said I would have a cat!

You know I'm allergic!

It wasn't my plan!

SAM: We're just not...

I'm still working on that plan. OK?

Just...hear me out.

What we're going to do is tell the landlord

that Lisa has smallpox.

Smallpox.

Right.

So, she's gone home to be with family,

and I went with her because
obviously I would do that,

and Ari came with us

because we had to take his car.

ARI: I don't have a car.

None of this plan is true.

Yeah, but so...

The point is, nobody actually has smallpox.

I'm pretty sure we've cured smallpox,

but Leon doesn't know that,

and so that'll buy us some extra time
to make the rent.

It'll be fun!

It'll be like we're on the lam for a few weeks.

Ari can start that Etsy store, and I'll...

...change tires, or something y'know, yeah.

And then, next month it'll be September,

and so we can come back,
and you can be teaching again.

SAM: What'd I say?

That's like the worst plan
I've ever heard in my life

and it's not even
necessary and I quit my job.

What?

You quit teaching?

I didn't...

Wait a second.

Holy hell.

What is that?

One thousand six hundred and fifty dollars.

Like one thousand six hundred and fifty-two dollars.

You guys were out of town, and the Lesbians suggested...

- They go to this party...- Lesbians?

LISA: The lesbians go to this like...

foot fetish party thing three times a year,

just for laughs, they don't need the money.

A foot fetish party?

Yes.

SAM: What lesbians?

Is it like sex work?

Oh my God. Are you a sex worker?

God, no!

What lesbians?

I don't think so.

It was just a bunch of sad guys touching feet.

They were actually very respectful.

But, so,

one of the guys...

This guy I know was there. He's Lamar's dad.
One of my students.

And he like freaked out and said that I could either quit

or he would call the school and tell them
that I'm like a prostitute,

which I'm not.

And then I would definitely never
be able to get a teaching job again,

And at least this way I can try again next year,

but I can't...

I'm not going back to school in September.

Wow.

What lesbians?

Chris and Alex!

I've been working for them like all summer.

Have you been like asleep?

I thought Chris and Alex were gay men.

You went to a foot sex party with lesbians
without telling me?

Hey! Sam,

I'm sure we've all done things we're not proud of, OK?

What are you...

I don't want to do this anymore.

I know.

You don't.

This is so...

It doesn't have to be like this, Sam.

This fucking...

We're here because of you, y'know?

The lesbians, who I work for, who I talk about constantly...

They both have men's names!

They gave me their foot money because they feel awful,

and they know we're struggling,

and their pity makes me crazy, Sam,

because they're right.

And I'm...

You have to go to work!

I would ask what we're going to do now,

but you are probably also stumped.

CARMEN: I'm a bitch?!

Well you're a stupid bitch!

Oh my god!

Oh, I know you didn't just flip that table, girl!

I swear to God, Carmen,

I am going to rip your tits off...

...and sell them on eBay.

CARMEN: Try it!

- Hang on.
- You want it, come and get it fucker!

Hang on!

What happened?

- What's up?
- We just need that one more time.

- When I call her a stupid bitch?
- Or I...

No. Just...

I got it.

I'm gonna rip your face off, you fucking whore!

How was that?

Tell me we got that!

That would be a lie.

Do we have more glasses? Liam?

We've got some options...

I don't...

Oh my God.

Ooh boy.

DANA: So this is our job now.

ARI: Just to be clear:

this show was picked up?

Yes.

For an entire season.

By the History Channel.

Delicious.

Hey, what's up with Oscar today?

He's even more Oscar-y than usual.

His boss is gonna be at the confessional shoot later,
so he's freakin' out.

Oh my God.

Lynne Gantry?

Yup.

Y'know, I finally met her once,

And it was like she was looking right through me.

Into my secrets!

I heard she got rabies like ten years ago,

and they never treated it, but she's just fine.

She got over rabies!

I heard she killed three guys once. At a bar.

I heard she like hates cashews.

For some reason.

Like, she's not even allergic! She just hates them!

Cashews!

Hey, Dana?

About...upstate?

Really?

Right now? In front of...

Mamma, I know everything about everyone.

Can you...give us a minute?

Hey, does anyone remember what happened
the last time I gave you two a minute?

Because I don't think...

As if this is any of your business at all.

God, I hate it when you two fight.

- We're not fight...- We basically are.

Save your breath, Sam.

In case you haven't noticed,
I am way too good at my job to let one...

...middle-of-the-road kiss...

Well, that was uncalled for...

Not enough tongue.

One kiss ruin an otherwise
perfectly functional, professional relationship.

OK?

It was an accident.

The kiss, or the not-enough-tongue?

- The kiss!
- The kiss, you idiot!

- Don't call me an idiot!
- He's not an idiot!

Thank you.

Idiot.

And...

please don't mention this to...

Now this I don't want to hear.

Hello, little girl!

My life is exhausting.

Isn't this great?

Cupcakes for Cancer!

You are a philanthropist.

Yeah!

But all the good ones are taken, so

we're raising money for elbow cancer.

Who's this?

Are you dating again?

Well it's good to have somebody.

No.

You met, this is Sam, he's my...

Oh!

You must be the roommate who...

What?

Oh my God.

Well, anyway, I'm glad you made it.

Made...what?

Well, one of my friends tried to kill himself too...

...but he couldn't even get that right.

I mean, he did get it right eventually, so...

That must've been rewarding, I guess!

Donna!

One day at a time.

You know?

It gets better.

I heard that on a YouTube.

We need to talk.

Y'know, the phrase "we need to talk"
gets thrown around a lot these days.

Bagel?

SAM: What is she talking about?

I'm not going to get into this right now.

Ari, what is going on?

What's going on

is that I am taking like a lot of relationship shrapnel
from you and Lisa all the time,

and I'm just not that into it!

Also, it was a long time ago!

What was a long time ago?

Believe me, I want to not tell you

almost as much as I know
you don't want me to tell you right now.

Is she OK?

Yes.

She's OK.

But if you are going to cheat on Lisa,
we are going to have a problem.

I'm not.

It was one time.

It was a mistake.

I'm figuring it out.

Yeah?

Well figure faster.

LISA: Water's fine, thanks.

So...

I don't know.

It's awful.

Yes.

Alex is better at this. I don't...

Oh, thank God!

ALEX: First of all...

LISA: It's fine.

No.

Lisa, I'm sorry.

I know it isn't strictly speaking our fault,

but we did get you into this situation, and it's like...

it's some shitty inverse version of Serendipity, or like...

- Alex.
- I never saw that movie!

Kismet, or something.

Yes, you did! With me! Come on!

Alex, you did not put me in any situation.

My financial situation, it's just...

the summer, it's not...

Their apartment got robbed last night, also.

Well.

What the fuck?!

If it means anything,

my Catholic upbringing ensures that I feel

personally responsible for
every single part of this.

Including the burglary.

It's just like we've been feeling
so up in the air for so long,

so insecure.

And then...

this, and...

...I feel completely...

Our space has been so totally violated.

And it's like...

This bubble has burst, and...

...I don't know what's left.

I might go home for a while.

Don't go home, Lisa.

A while is a long time.

How do you guys do it?

What?

Make your relationship work?

Our relationship works?

Apparently!

Well! That is nice to hear!

Me and Chris...

Chris and I.

Occasionally, I do want to killer, but...

It is illegal.

And also, y'know...

When something works, even if you have to...

...occasionally remember how well it works, then...

...it works.

And, if it doesn't, which occasionally it doesn't,

we find some new idea to make it work. Better.

Like...

I don't know.

Foot fetish parties.

Sure.

Or like the...

Emma.

And sometimes the ideas don't work,

and sometimes the ideas are stupid,

but it just makes you realize that the thing

you built
the ideas around is strong.

It's like the law.

Here we go.

There are so many stupid little...

Do you see any spittoons in here?

Any spittoons?

Did you know...

...that in New York,
it is illegal for any business to not have a spittoon?

The law states,

"a sufficient number of non-absorbent receptacles
for expectoration."

It's illegal!

- Can I...
- Come back in five. She's on a roll.

And obviously,

no one would ever dream of enforcing this law.

It's like the appendix of the New York judicial system,

but you have to trust.

Law.

The big thing.

Despite all the little things...

The spittoons.

If something works...

If something works...

don't walk away from it.

Which is a long way of saying,

that if you look at us and think that this works without a hitch,

check...

your...

hitch-dar.

Or leave him, and come stay with us for a while.

We do have a spare room.

No, but...

Yeah, right.

If they're long their jeggings,
if they're short they're jorts, but...

I...no, I get ya.

Anyway, they weren't mine, so...

Do you need anything else?

We should talk about the apartment fire.

OK.

Well, honestly, most of the stuff was my husband's
and I was in Monaco for the summer,

so it really wasn't a big deal.

Would you say that the fire was the most
emotionally trying moment in your adult life?

I don't think so. When my dad died, I cried a lot.

I mean a lot.

No, I mean would you say it into the camera.

I understand what you mean, but...

I'm not sure I would say that because like,

it's really not true.

OK!

But, would you say...

...the fire was the most defining moment of your life?

I don't know. I don't think so.

Look, Donna. I don't...

Oscar.

Donna.

I'm Lynne.

We met when you were signing the papers for the show.

Yeah, nice to see you.

You do still want to do the show,

right Donna?

Yeah, sure.

I want you to repeat after me.

I don't think...

Perfect!

Keep up the good work.

Repeat after me.

The fire was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

Even when my dad died, I never felt so...

alone.

The fire was the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

Even when my dad died,

I never felt so alone.

She should cry.

DONNA: What?

LYNNE: What was his name?

Who?

Your dad.

Your dead dad.

Anton.

He owned a shoe store for 40 years.

Right.

Do you remember the last time you told him you loved him?

Maybe we should...

Shhh! Not a word. And you?

I think I'm done now.

Everybody take five,

except Oscar.

Does anybody have a...

Well, that was dark.

LYNNE: Really? Is that what you call it?

Taking guff from the talent is working as hard as you can?

So that's her.

Mmhm.

Yikes.

She smells like a fucking humidor.

Yeah, but Toby said that nobody's ever actually seen her smoke.

LYNNE:
You know there are about ten people who can do your job

better than you,
cheaper than you here today.

- OSCAR: What do you mean?
- LYNNE: Don't make me repeat myself.

So, which one do you want to be when you grow up?

I am so sick of this.

What?

Hang on a second.

ARI: Where are you going?

DANA: I thought you knew everything about everybody.

ARI: Me too.

OSCAR: He's the one in the red plaid.

- Hey, Lynne? Why don't you go...- This one?

Yes.

We'll send you a check.

Best of luck.

Give me your van keys.

Where's he going?

Doesn't matter.

You're in charge.

Pick those up.

I need 15 minutes of usable chatter
about Donna's apartment fire.

You have 25 minutes...

...Sam.

Get to work, Sam.

Donna, your makeup is running,

so Ari's gonna help you put yourself together.

Dana, the card is almost full, so swap that out now.

Liam, I want a different background element.

That palm tree doesn't make any sense.

On it.

You've got to be kidding me.

What?

I think Donna's done for the day.

Ari.

Actually, contractually she's here for another...

Yeah, I got it! But she's...

Twenty-five minutes.

So much talking! Talk-talk-talk!

Someone please pray this gay away for me,
so we can get some work done?

Oh, Lynne? I was gonna say...

You have work to do.

Do you have any idea how unnecessary you are?

Come again?

Like deeply, very, so unnecesary.

This?!

Working with...for...all of this?

People like you, it costs too much.

I mean, I know I'm not like...

...fucking Cassavetes over here or anything but...

Ari?

Yeah?

Do you wanna get out of here?

Yes.

I get it. So this is your little...

Not a word you're saying.

Not even a little.

Dana?

Yeah.

Fuck you.

My time is worth something.

LIAM: Wait, so...

...am I in charge now? Or...

Lisa?

Oh boy.

Welcome home.

I made dinner.

I'm leaving.

What?

I'm going to stay with Chris and Alex,
who just for the record

are both female lesbians.

I don't want to be here right now.

Don't do this.

Why not?

Because I have an idea.

An Idea is different from a plan.

Same Sam, different day.

Hey.

Just...

sit down for a second, OK?

I have not...

There's...

...something that I didn't...

ARI: Sam?

It's OK.

I have been asleep at the wheel.

I get it.

And you...

you guys trust me.

You trusted me to...

I have not done right by you.

And I'm not a very good planner.

But...

by accident, the plan has sort of...and I know this is a stretch...

it has sort of worked.

I don't think...

In the sense that...

...Ari and I have been doing this for three and a half years...

Instead of the intended two.

And we're actually pretty good at it.

The problem is...

...we have been waiting for someone to give us the chance
to do something better,

and Lisa, please believe me,

I am so fucking tired of waiting.

I am so tired of it.

And we want to do it on our own.

Without Oscar or...

Anyone.

Just us.

ARI: And Dana, who is...

...really good at her job.

Yes, but...

Nevermind.

Yes.

And, we need someone smarter than us
to make the business part work,

and that's you.

And I know this isn't what you want, but it's something,

and this'll get us to the next thing,

I promise. I don't know how, but...

...I do.

I don't believe you.

You have to.

Believe me I...

You have no reason to except that

I love you,

both of you,

and I am not going to fuck this up.

- You can't just...
- I am done thinking that I can't do things.

I can do this, Lisa.

But...

...I don't want to do it without you.

Either of you.