Whatever This Is. (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Nature - full transcript
Ari and Sam are stuck miles from civilization while working on a nature show, and the day takes a turn (or several) for the strange. Lisa's employers present her with an opportunity she can't turn down.
SAM: I just have to keep him happy until he gets promoted,
or he quits and then I can take his place.
Arigato.
Has anyone ever told you you have great feet?
Really?
They should call them everything bugs,
because they ruin everything.
Practice.
I'm gonna go home for a while, Ari.
ARI: I guess you're the new Toby now,
which means you're one step closer to being Oscar.
Silver lining.
SAM (V.O.): You think,
this is what I wanted,
but this is not how I wanted it.
And what's so special about this particular tree
is that you can tell it's unique.
Looking at the bark,
you can see the scoring indicates
not only the type of tree, but also its age.
And just...
so much about the part it plays in the local ecosystem.
DANA: This isn't working.
The light's not working.
I'm sorry. Can we just ask you to...
Of course.
It's no problem at all.
JASEPH: Not only the type of tree, but also its age.
And just so much about the part it plays in the local ecosystem.
Toby?
Sorry.
Sam?
We're good.
ARI: Actually I need that one more time.
What?
There was a helicopter, so I need it one more time.
That's how sound works.
SAM: You think, what did I do to deserve that?
And then you think,
Oh. right.
And we're rolling.
OK.
DANA: OK, so can we...
JASEPH: And what's so special about this particular tree
is that you can tell it's unique.
Looking at the bark, you can see this scoring indicates
not only the type of tree...
DANA: You know I've like never been camping?
Not even like never, I've just actually never been camping.
SAM: You OK?
ARI: Fine.
Because you seem kind of pissed off at me,
but I thought that you weren't going to stay pissed off at me.
I thought so too!
Isn't that funny?
I'm working on it, OK?
We're good.
Some people don't understand, but...
...I feel like you do, Oscar.
You strike me as being a very deeply spiritual person.
Is that accurate?
Do you have a light?
Exactly. We all have a light. In here.
I learned that from my cousin.
She was part Hopi.
She's dead now, but when she passed...
...some fraction of her soul latched on to mine,
and now I am capable of achieving this kind of...
subliminal intimacy with nature.
I call it "sublintimacy."
Oscar, have you ever seen a film called The Matrix?
DANA: All set!
Thank God!
Hey, can I get that for you, Ari?
Let me get that for you.
Yes...no...whatever.
Come on, Liam.
OSCAR: Sam, what's next?
Well, Jawseph wants to...
It's Jaseph, actually.
Half Jason, half Joseph.
Right.
Well, Jaseph wants to shoot the cold open
coming out of that cave with the waterfall
as the moon comes up...
It's just that the week after solstice is a notoriously fertile time.
If you add the digits of today's date together, you'd find that...
OSCAR: OK, great. So we're good until well after sundown,
which is in like seven hours.
Let's go talk about that important thing I wanted to talk to you about.
It's a really important thing.
Of course.
Let's do that.
So, we'll see you at the waterfall about 10 tonight. All right, Jaseph?
Sure thing.
I'm gonna stay here and do 1,600 sun salutations.
Would you care to join me?
Nope.
Oh, what the fuck.
OSCAR: What the fuck is the point of a sun salutation anyway?
To...
...salute the sun, one would think.
What do you think of Liam?
He's...
...young.
I know.
He smells like placenta.
But like,
I-believe-the-children-are-our-future young, or...
...kids-I-don't-know-what's-wrong-with-these-kids-today young.
He has a lot to learn, I think.
Well, he's no Sam and Ari.
Thanks, Oscar.
Don't.
OK.
Could I...
...can I borrow your phone for a minute?
- I should call.
- I can't believe you guys still share a phone.
You should get paid more.
I would if I could.
That'll be a dollar.
Are you kidding?
Yes, I am kidding.
Oh. And if my vet calls...
Oh, hell.
ALEX: Like, super paid. Which is the point.
LISA: OK how was that? [BEEP]
SAM: Hey, it's me.
I'm calling from Oscar's phone, so don't call me back.
I'm just calling to...
...call, or whatever, I guess.
Don't...
I don't know what to don't. I just said "don't" for some reason.
Miss you.
What are you doing?
Sun salutations.
I don't know, but it's pretty awesome.
OK.
It's weird, but I feel good.
I'm too tired to feel anything.
What is even the point of a sun salutation, Jaseph?
Well you know, the sun is very important in most cultures.
There's an Indian myth...dot, not feather...
that says,
"The sun contains the potentiality of all that is to be known."
Which is neat.
That is neat.
SAM (V.O.): You think, I should get out of the city more.
DANA: The potentiality of all that is to be known.
SAM: Nature.
That shirt is ridiculous, by the way.
Bed bugs.
This is like the only safe piece of clothing I own.
This idiot I'm dating couchsurfed for a week to avoid his landlord,
and now this.
Gross.
Yup.
How are we gonna kill five hours?
That is not a word.
That is a word.
I am 100% sure that is not a word.
130 points. Numinous. Look it up.
SAM: What do you think is the tallest tree you've ever seen?
What?
That's like the stupidest question I've ever heard.
Aw, should we wake him?
Naw, I think he needs it.
Ah!
So pretty, right?
Where is your shirt, Liam?
I don't know!
Do you want to borrow it?
No!
That's a very personal question!
You're right.
I'm sorry.
It's good.
Good.
Got it.
It's not bed-bugs good, if that's what you're wonderding.
It wasn't, but that's good to know.
Just for my own...
...is there such a thing as sex so good it's worth bed bugs?
Mmm. I don't...
This one time I went to visit my sister in Albequerque,
and she introduced me to this sculptor friend of hers.
Big shoulders.
Huge hands.
And she went to work.
She's a pharmacist, so she was working the night shift.
So this guy takes me to this hillside in his car.
This incredible 1969 Chevy.
You know anything about cars?
I know nothing about cars at all.
Well, anyway.
You should.
Knowing about cars is sexy.
In his glove compartment he had this weed from California,
that I guess his girlfriend grew on her roof.
So we smoked this joint in this car from 1969,
and we're on this deeply surreal hillside...
...and he like puts his giant hands on my face, and...
...we kiss...
...and then we...
like on the hood of his car.
Bed-bugs good.
Yes.
I think so.
Hey, can I borrow your phone?
Sure.
Thanks.
Your life makes me sad.
Join the club.
I'm gonna pee.
If I'm not back in 20 minutes, I'm dead.
So I can keep your phone?
When God closes a door...
LISA: You've reached Lisa, Sam, and Ari's phone.
Sam and Ari are making Lisa record their voicemail message,
because they find her voice soothing.
Please leave a message, but only if it's important.
OK, how was that? [BEEP]
Hey!
LISA: You've reached Lisa, Sam, and Ari's phone.
Sam and Ari are making Lisa record their voicemail message,
because they find her voice soothing.
You made it.
I'm a strong female character.
Thank you.
Where is everybody?
Scouting that waterfall.
We should head over there in a bit, I guess.
Hang on.
Your ear. Not that one.
Shit.
I'm really...
SAM (V.O.): Sam.
LISA (V.O.): What are you doing?
Oh.
Goddamn it.
What am I doing?
SAM: Whatever you're doing, you're doing it wrong.
Look, that never...
Never, right.
OK. Good. Thanks, Dana.
I have to...
Hoo boy.
JASEPH: Have you ever seen a film called The Matrix?
DANA: All set!
Thank God.
Hey, can I get that for you, Ari?
Let me get that for you.
Yes...no...whatever.
Come on, Liam.
LIAM: So, how long have you guys worked for Oscar?
We don't work for him, we work with him, like freelance.
So you guys must really like working for him.
With him.
Nope, we don't.
We just like eating and paying rent.
So, it's just a temporary thing.
Right.
I guess it doesn't feel like it sometimes, anymore.
Well that sucks.
I've got it all figured out.
I'm gonna find like one production crew,
and just try and stick with them for like...
a year, maybe.
Yeah, I could do a year.
And then I'm basically just gonna wait everyone else out.
Do you wanna get high and make out?
ARI (V.O.): you think...
...wow.
Fuck!
You think...
...huh.
You good?
Yeah, yeah. I'm good.
And just like that...
OK.
Thanks, Liam.
I gotta go.
You think...
...I should get out of the city more.
You think...
...where is he?
What is he doing?
You think...
...I am so high.
You think...
...nature is really big.
You make a list of your three favorite parts of his body.
You think, I should go swimming.
No, I shouldn't.
You think, maybe I'll just...
ARI (V.O.): You think...
Sam.
What are you doing?
LISA (V.O.): You think...
...how did I get here?
You think, is this worth it?
Yeah.
Probably.
LISA: I think I broke it!
Lemme see?
I'm sorry.
I was washing it and it was slippery, and...
You just dropped it.
It's fine. Just throw it out.
This is a really nice plate!
Well now it's two really nice half-plates.
That's math!
This was like part of a set.
I feel like I broke the entire set.
- Hey, Lisa...
- Alex.
ALEX: Don't worry about the dishes right now.
I can replace it.
I mean, eventually.
Hey, how are things at home?
Fine!
We got all of our plates at a stoop sale.
Forget the plate.
What are you doing tonight?
Sam and Ari are upstate shooting this new nature documentary...
I think he's like a tree whisperer.
Sort of a Lorax figure?
I was just gonna make a sad broke face
until you guys gave me a bottle of wine,
and go home and drink that by myself, probably.
Which sad broke face?
Aw!
Yay!
Why?
What's up?
We had a thought!
It was just a thought.
It's totally up to you, Lisa.
OK...
There's this party tonight.
It's in Manhattan, it's a...
a monthly thing, but we only go maybe three times a year.
For a laugh.
It's just for fun.
Because it's hilarious.
And you get paid...
...like, super paid.
Which is the point.
I'm listening.
It's not a sex thing...
...I mean, it is sexual for them, but there's no sex.
Clothing stays on.
Last time we made $600.
It's a very respectful environment.
Each.
We made $600 each.
What are we talking about?
Exactly?
It's like a hobby. Strictly for kicks.
It's called Toe Jam!
Hello toe jammers!
I'm Zelda.
This is Diana.
You might remember us from the party in April?
MEN: Hi Zelda. Hi Diana.
Hello boys.
This is Jasmine.
It's her first time, so be nice!
Don't draw blood.
She's kidding.
Hahahaha.
MAN: Mmm...
You have really tough feet.
I'm sorry?
No, it's good. I like it.
LISA (V.O.): You think...
...this isn't that bad, right?
This is totally worth it.
This isn't even...
What?
MAN: Do you run?
What?
No. I...
...mostly walk.
OTHER MAN: Did you know in China, or Asia,
they used to bind the feet of young girls so they'd stay tiny?
They'd have to break each toe...
...and then fold it under the foot.
They couldn't even walk on their own. They were so helpless.
OK. Well, thank you.
We'll be right back.
Probably not, though.
CHRIS: We can go anytime you want.
You OK?
I'm actually fine.
Weirdly.
Right?
It's kind of fun in like a David Lynch way.
Take a seat, ladies!
LISA (V.O.): You don't care what he thinks.
You are Jasmine.
You are a princess, goddamn it.
Princesses don't give a fuck.
You think, y'know, YOLO, or whatever. Right?
Lie on your back.
What?
You heard me.
Lie on your back, and put my toes in your mouth.
Lisa?
It's Jasmine.
Miss Lisa?
Hi.
Howard.
Lamar's dad. I know.
Are you guys...
still reading Roald Dahl?
The Minpins.
I love the Minpins!
What's going on?
Miss Lisa teaches my son.
LISA: You think...
She teaches my child!
Fuck.
or he quits and then I can take his place.
Arigato.
Has anyone ever told you you have great feet?
Really?
They should call them everything bugs,
because they ruin everything.
Practice.
I'm gonna go home for a while, Ari.
ARI: I guess you're the new Toby now,
which means you're one step closer to being Oscar.
Silver lining.
SAM (V.O.): You think,
this is what I wanted,
but this is not how I wanted it.
And what's so special about this particular tree
is that you can tell it's unique.
Looking at the bark,
you can see the scoring indicates
not only the type of tree, but also its age.
And just...
so much about the part it plays in the local ecosystem.
DANA: This isn't working.
The light's not working.
I'm sorry. Can we just ask you to...
Of course.
It's no problem at all.
JASEPH: Not only the type of tree, but also its age.
And just so much about the part it plays in the local ecosystem.
Toby?
Sorry.
Sam?
We're good.
ARI: Actually I need that one more time.
What?
There was a helicopter, so I need it one more time.
That's how sound works.
SAM: You think, what did I do to deserve that?
And then you think,
Oh. right.
And we're rolling.
OK.
DANA: OK, so can we...
JASEPH: And what's so special about this particular tree
is that you can tell it's unique.
Looking at the bark, you can see this scoring indicates
not only the type of tree...
DANA: You know I've like never been camping?
Not even like never, I've just actually never been camping.
SAM: You OK?
ARI: Fine.
Because you seem kind of pissed off at me,
but I thought that you weren't going to stay pissed off at me.
I thought so too!
Isn't that funny?
I'm working on it, OK?
We're good.
Some people don't understand, but...
...I feel like you do, Oscar.
You strike me as being a very deeply spiritual person.
Is that accurate?
Do you have a light?
Exactly. We all have a light. In here.
I learned that from my cousin.
She was part Hopi.
She's dead now, but when she passed...
...some fraction of her soul latched on to mine,
and now I am capable of achieving this kind of...
subliminal intimacy with nature.
I call it "sublintimacy."
Oscar, have you ever seen a film called The Matrix?
DANA: All set!
Thank God!
Hey, can I get that for you, Ari?
Let me get that for you.
Yes...no...whatever.
Come on, Liam.
OSCAR: Sam, what's next?
Well, Jawseph wants to...
It's Jaseph, actually.
Half Jason, half Joseph.
Right.
Well, Jaseph wants to shoot the cold open
coming out of that cave with the waterfall
as the moon comes up...
It's just that the week after solstice is a notoriously fertile time.
If you add the digits of today's date together, you'd find that...
OSCAR: OK, great. So we're good until well after sundown,
which is in like seven hours.
Let's go talk about that important thing I wanted to talk to you about.
It's a really important thing.
Of course.
Let's do that.
So, we'll see you at the waterfall about 10 tonight. All right, Jaseph?
Sure thing.
I'm gonna stay here and do 1,600 sun salutations.
Would you care to join me?
Nope.
Oh, what the fuck.
OSCAR: What the fuck is the point of a sun salutation anyway?
To...
...salute the sun, one would think.
What do you think of Liam?
He's...
...young.
I know.
He smells like placenta.
But like,
I-believe-the-children-are-our-future young, or...
...kids-I-don't-know-what's-wrong-with-these-kids-today young.
He has a lot to learn, I think.
Well, he's no Sam and Ari.
Thanks, Oscar.
Don't.
OK.
Could I...
...can I borrow your phone for a minute?
- I should call.
- I can't believe you guys still share a phone.
You should get paid more.
I would if I could.
That'll be a dollar.
Are you kidding?
Yes, I am kidding.
Oh. And if my vet calls...
Oh, hell.
ALEX: Like, super paid. Which is the point.
LISA: OK how was that? [BEEP]
SAM: Hey, it's me.
I'm calling from Oscar's phone, so don't call me back.
I'm just calling to...
...call, or whatever, I guess.
Don't...
I don't know what to don't. I just said "don't" for some reason.
Miss you.
What are you doing?
Sun salutations.
I don't know, but it's pretty awesome.
OK.
It's weird, but I feel good.
I'm too tired to feel anything.
What is even the point of a sun salutation, Jaseph?
Well you know, the sun is very important in most cultures.
There's an Indian myth...dot, not feather...
that says,
"The sun contains the potentiality of all that is to be known."
Which is neat.
That is neat.
SAM (V.O.): You think, I should get out of the city more.
DANA: The potentiality of all that is to be known.
SAM: Nature.
That shirt is ridiculous, by the way.
Bed bugs.
This is like the only safe piece of clothing I own.
This idiot I'm dating couchsurfed for a week to avoid his landlord,
and now this.
Gross.
Yup.
How are we gonna kill five hours?
That is not a word.
That is a word.
I am 100% sure that is not a word.
130 points. Numinous. Look it up.
SAM: What do you think is the tallest tree you've ever seen?
What?
That's like the stupidest question I've ever heard.
Aw, should we wake him?
Naw, I think he needs it.
Ah!
So pretty, right?
Where is your shirt, Liam?
I don't know!
Do you want to borrow it?
No!
That's a very personal question!
You're right.
I'm sorry.
It's good.
Good.
Got it.
It's not bed-bugs good, if that's what you're wonderding.
It wasn't, but that's good to know.
Just for my own...
...is there such a thing as sex so good it's worth bed bugs?
Mmm. I don't...
This one time I went to visit my sister in Albequerque,
and she introduced me to this sculptor friend of hers.
Big shoulders.
Huge hands.
And she went to work.
She's a pharmacist, so she was working the night shift.
So this guy takes me to this hillside in his car.
This incredible 1969 Chevy.
You know anything about cars?
I know nothing about cars at all.
Well, anyway.
You should.
Knowing about cars is sexy.
In his glove compartment he had this weed from California,
that I guess his girlfriend grew on her roof.
So we smoked this joint in this car from 1969,
and we're on this deeply surreal hillside...
...and he like puts his giant hands on my face, and...
...we kiss...
...and then we...
like on the hood of his car.
Bed-bugs good.
Yes.
I think so.
Hey, can I borrow your phone?
Sure.
Thanks.
Your life makes me sad.
Join the club.
I'm gonna pee.
If I'm not back in 20 minutes, I'm dead.
So I can keep your phone?
When God closes a door...
LISA: You've reached Lisa, Sam, and Ari's phone.
Sam and Ari are making Lisa record their voicemail message,
because they find her voice soothing.
Please leave a message, but only if it's important.
OK, how was that? [BEEP]
Hey!
LISA: You've reached Lisa, Sam, and Ari's phone.
Sam and Ari are making Lisa record their voicemail message,
because they find her voice soothing.
You made it.
I'm a strong female character.
Thank you.
Where is everybody?
Scouting that waterfall.
We should head over there in a bit, I guess.
Hang on.
Your ear. Not that one.
Shit.
I'm really...
SAM (V.O.): Sam.
LISA (V.O.): What are you doing?
Oh.
Goddamn it.
What am I doing?
SAM: Whatever you're doing, you're doing it wrong.
Look, that never...
Never, right.
OK. Good. Thanks, Dana.
I have to...
Hoo boy.
JASEPH: Have you ever seen a film called The Matrix?
DANA: All set!
Thank God.
Hey, can I get that for you, Ari?
Let me get that for you.
Yes...no...whatever.
Come on, Liam.
LIAM: So, how long have you guys worked for Oscar?
We don't work for him, we work with him, like freelance.
So you guys must really like working for him.
With him.
Nope, we don't.
We just like eating and paying rent.
So, it's just a temporary thing.
Right.
I guess it doesn't feel like it sometimes, anymore.
Well that sucks.
I've got it all figured out.
I'm gonna find like one production crew,
and just try and stick with them for like...
a year, maybe.
Yeah, I could do a year.
And then I'm basically just gonna wait everyone else out.
Do you wanna get high and make out?
ARI (V.O.): you think...
...wow.
Fuck!
You think...
...huh.
You good?
Yeah, yeah. I'm good.
And just like that...
OK.
Thanks, Liam.
I gotta go.
You think...
...I should get out of the city more.
You think...
...where is he?
What is he doing?
You think...
...I am so high.
You think...
...nature is really big.
You make a list of your three favorite parts of his body.
You think, I should go swimming.
No, I shouldn't.
You think, maybe I'll just...
ARI (V.O.): You think...
Sam.
What are you doing?
LISA (V.O.): You think...
...how did I get here?
You think, is this worth it?
Yeah.
Probably.
LISA: I think I broke it!
Lemme see?
I'm sorry.
I was washing it and it was slippery, and...
You just dropped it.
It's fine. Just throw it out.
This is a really nice plate!
Well now it's two really nice half-plates.
That's math!
This was like part of a set.
I feel like I broke the entire set.
- Hey, Lisa...
- Alex.
ALEX: Don't worry about the dishes right now.
I can replace it.
I mean, eventually.
Hey, how are things at home?
Fine!
We got all of our plates at a stoop sale.
Forget the plate.
What are you doing tonight?
Sam and Ari are upstate shooting this new nature documentary...
I think he's like a tree whisperer.
Sort of a Lorax figure?
I was just gonna make a sad broke face
until you guys gave me a bottle of wine,
and go home and drink that by myself, probably.
Which sad broke face?
Aw!
Yay!
Why?
What's up?
We had a thought!
It was just a thought.
It's totally up to you, Lisa.
OK...
There's this party tonight.
It's in Manhattan, it's a...
a monthly thing, but we only go maybe three times a year.
For a laugh.
It's just for fun.
Because it's hilarious.
And you get paid...
...like, super paid.
Which is the point.
I'm listening.
It's not a sex thing...
...I mean, it is sexual for them, but there's no sex.
Clothing stays on.
Last time we made $600.
It's a very respectful environment.
Each.
We made $600 each.
What are we talking about?
Exactly?
It's like a hobby. Strictly for kicks.
It's called Toe Jam!
Hello toe jammers!
I'm Zelda.
This is Diana.
You might remember us from the party in April?
MEN: Hi Zelda. Hi Diana.
Hello boys.
This is Jasmine.
It's her first time, so be nice!
Don't draw blood.
She's kidding.
Hahahaha.
MAN: Mmm...
You have really tough feet.
I'm sorry?
No, it's good. I like it.
LISA (V.O.): You think...
...this isn't that bad, right?
This is totally worth it.
This isn't even...
What?
MAN: Do you run?
What?
No. I...
...mostly walk.
OTHER MAN: Did you know in China, or Asia,
they used to bind the feet of young girls so they'd stay tiny?
They'd have to break each toe...
...and then fold it under the foot.
They couldn't even walk on their own. They were so helpless.
OK. Well, thank you.
We'll be right back.
Probably not, though.
CHRIS: We can go anytime you want.
You OK?
I'm actually fine.
Weirdly.
Right?
It's kind of fun in like a David Lynch way.
Take a seat, ladies!
LISA (V.O.): You don't care what he thinks.
You are Jasmine.
You are a princess, goddamn it.
Princesses don't give a fuck.
You think, y'know, YOLO, or whatever. Right?
Lie on your back.
What?
You heard me.
Lie on your back, and put my toes in your mouth.
Lisa?
It's Jasmine.
Miss Lisa?
Hi.
Howard.
Lamar's dad. I know.
Are you guys...
still reading Roald Dahl?
The Minpins.
I love the Minpins!
What's going on?
Miss Lisa teaches my son.
LISA: You think...
She teaches my child!
Fuck.