Whatever This Is. (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Westchester - full transcript

SAM: We're back on that housewives show.

Oh right!

This one is about the housewives
of the Upper East Side, not the Upper West Side.

Give me your number.

Um...

Even when Toby is sick, he still gets all moony-eyed
when he looks at you.

Do you have any idea how many of you there are?

What do you mean?

You looked whiter online.

I quit.

SAM: Are we short?
LISA: We're short.



What are we gonna do now?

OSCAR: We're all set.

Sam!

We're good!

What?

Sorry.

Why did we stop?

KEN: Looking great, honey. Looks great.

ELENA: Daddy-uh!

I was just getting into it! Hitting my stride and shit.

Elena, please!

Language!

I think we have everything we need.

I personally have a fair amount more.



ELENA: We need more like footage of my chest on the car!

Uh, right, uh, sweetie...sure, I...

Sounds about right.

Doesn't that sound right, Oscar?

Of course, Mr. Priest!

I said one thing, but I meant the opposite.

Must be the heat.

Dana?

I'll need the 85. It's in the kitchen.

Ari.

ARI: Peace.

Where's he going?

We need a different lens
so that we can get more of.

So Elena looks her best. In the shot.

The lens is in your kitchen.

Yeah but should he be going in there alone?

I'm sure he can find it. It's his job.

But isn't he a little...

...brown?

I don't know what you mean.

I'll go with him.

What was that about?

What is even going on?

I was bi for a minute...

Then I stopped.

Yo!

"Yo." Nobody says "yo."

Hey, have you seen the 85?

It's supposed to be in here, but I don't see it.

Yeah it's in there. It was.

I mean, I saw it this morning.

Where the fuck?

Hey, Ari? Watch out for Papa Priest.

He seems like a real monster.

Yeah, I caught that because I'm not blind and deaf.

Yeah, but really.

Like he didn't even want you to be in here alone.

Excuse me?

He thinks you're a little um...

...brown.

That's a direct quote.

Wow!

You want?

Yes, please. Thank you.

What?

You just...

Is it a centipede?

- Toby, why would it be a centipede?
- I hate centipedes I'm having a bad month.

It's an eyelash.

OK.

Oof, all right, well...

You can blow it if you want to. Make a wish.

Or we could just put it back on my face.

Hey, Mr. Priest! We were, we were looking for

No problem, Tony.

Don't worry about it.

Agua? Si?

Refresco? Si.

Si.

CHRIS: See?

This is why you move to Queens.

LISA: Wow.

Do you have a view at your place?

Uh, I have a widow,

which is...like a view, in its way.

The grand tour of my apartment is not this...grand.

Well, speaking of...

This is the living room.

Ballroom.

Bedroom.

Tennis court.

This is another room with a bed in it,

except it's not really a bedroom
because no one sleeps here.

Except the dog sometimes.

How come?

It's a little...

I don't want to say haunted, but it's a little haunted.

Huh.

I'll tell you when you're older.

CHRIS: And this is...

Well, you're not three years old,
you know what this is.

A third bedroom!

Oh my God, your stove!

You could make spaghetti, and sauce,
and steamed vegtables,

and you don't even have to light it with a match.

God, I'm depressing myself!

It's fine. I was in college once.

Aren't you in college now?

Well, law school, so...

I'm not in college.

And my life still sort of sucks, so...

Adopt me.

Can I live here?

Alex may ask you to, and you must refuse.

Alex is...

My partner.

In a Portia de Rossi way, not a law firm way.

Although she is a partner in that sense too.

And so, the thing is, we never see each other

except in the evenings,

and we were thinking of hiring some sort of

chef-maid-dog-walker person, but...

Expensive.

Right. And even we're not...

I mean, we're not crazy, so...

I figured you

cute, young, broke girl at the supermarket...

I mean, it's a long shot, but...

If you want to hang out here and cook and

walk our dog and use our wifi,

we will pay you for that.

Obviously I would be crazy to not want that.

OK!

Perfect!

Perfect.

SAM: So what kind of hours are we talking about?

LISA: Chris said full time!

This is excellent news!

LISA: But I think a lot of that is gonna be me
using their wifi to like look up recipes

and make lesson plans and stuff for the fall.

Mmm.

You're like...

...a governess!

LISA: Yeah! Except not really, but sure!

They don't have kids, just this pitbull.

SAM: So it's just you and.

Chris. And...Alex. Yeah.

Married?

No, not married.

I don't know why...

I think Chris maybe thinks
Alex is being unfaithful,

but I don't think Alex would actually do that.

And I'm also not basing that off of anything at all, so...

So.

But so I don't have the job yet,

so I have to go and cook dinner for them tonight.

It's like an audition.

It's like Top Chef.

But I'm not going to win anything,

and I also don't get to meet Padma Lakshmi.

Oh...But when are you two gonna get married

and give me some adorable grandchildren?

Come on, I want to be a cool gay uncle!

Then you should probably marry
my cool gay brother.

Rude!

You know, you can't be a cool gay uncle
if you're not even a little bit cool.

Cool gay godfather?

Out!

Ooh ooh ooh!

Cool gay governess!

Yes!

Fuck!

Cut.

What? What is is?

Cramp.

Somebody get on that leg.

We need to wrap this up.

Why isn't Sam helping?

Because Sam lacks initiative

and longs for the sweet embrace of unemployment.

Get in here, Sam!

OSCAR: Yeah, Sam!

Get in there, Sam!

OSCAR: All right.

I'm going to smoke three cigarettes
in rapid succession,

and then let's wrap this thing up. Ok kids?

Ooh boy.

Ooh. You carry a lot of tension in your shoulders.

Thanks?

No, that's like a bad thing.

My massage therapist says that I carry
a lot of sexual aggression in my upper back.

She has a massage therapist.

I was more surprised at the sexual aggression part.

Well, you've obviously never been a 16-year-old girl.

I'm 17.

Anyway, it's true. I can prove it.

Why don't you uh, touch my back, Sam?

I'm not gonna touch your back.

What?

I'm not going to touch your back?

Fuck you.

What?

What are you? Some sort of faggot?

You got me.

Actually, we're all fags here.

Ari's a fag, Oscar's a fag.

Dana is a huge fag.

Come here, Toby.

Hmm?

Come here.

SAM: Fags all the way down.

Mmmmmm.

I'm a fag too, FYI.

KEN: What the fuck is this?

Hey, I don't know how this works in Brooklyn,

but in Westchester we have standards!

What's going on, Ken?

Is something wrong?

Well, I don't know, Oscar.

Why don't you tell me?

First, I catch your wetback friend
trying to sneak into my house to rip me off,

then I find these two clowns doing some...

gay sex fucking in front of my daughter.

We were not gay sex fucking.

These guys? Sam?

Sam isn't gay, I promise.

Sam and Toby just like to play a little game where

they try to get me to murder them because

they want me to go to jail forever.

Right, Sam and Toby?

- Yes, I do.
- We have a lot of fun together.

I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding.

We'll all laugh about this
once Elena's video goes viral, OK?

Because after all, that's why we're here, isn't it?

It is.

We just want Elena to blow up!

Right everyone?

Yeah.

Si, senior.

Back to work, kids.

Hey, can we have the room?

Do you mind, Ken?

Yeah.

Well, you heard the man.

Back to work, fags.

What the fuck was that?

What was what?

The Toby thing.

He's really not my type.

Don't get all...

No, you idiot asshole.

"Your wetback friend"?

Oh.

Oh. "Oh"?

You're my best friend,

you say nothing to that shithead,

and all I get is "oh."

You know I'm...

We're already on thin ice with Oscar as it is.

I don't want to fuck up this gig when we've already been through
so much shit just to keep doing it.

That doesn't make any sense.

Obviously...

Obviously I'm sorry.

I figured it was obvious enough
that I was sorry about that that...

I didn't have to say I was sorry about that.

Yeah, well fuck you. You were wrong.

I'm sorry. OK?

You know, sometimes,

before I meet a guy,

in the Dark Times when I used to meet people,

sometimes before I meet a guy
I have like a full-blown panic attack,

because I have no way of knowing

if he's only meeting me because he's like
"into Latin guys,"

and he wants me to be some like
macho fucking papi,

because I am never macho-fucking-papi enough
for those people.

Never.

And then I come here.

I come to fucking Westchester,

because it's all part of
Sam's Big Plan to Make Us Have a Career,

and Ken Fucking Priest

acts like I just hopped the fucking border fence

to pick fucking oranges in fucking California
or some shit.

I know.

No! You don't!

You don't know. Or you wouldn't let...

You know, sometimes I look at you,

and I'm like, what problems
does this straight, white guy have?

Does he have any?

Is that a word with any meaning to him?

Apology accepted.

So it's gonna take us like three hours or so,
with traffic, and uh,

we need to drop the equipment off
so that we can pick it up again in 12 hours

because we are the Wretched of the Earth, but um...

It's really only a two-person job, so...

I'll go home.

SAM: Just drop me off at the train.

I did the pickup with Dana this morning so,
you know...

Drop-off is not my problem.

ALEX: Honey, I'm home!

Yes, you are!

Smells great in here!

Oh, thank God!

Capers are fancy.

Oh!

I shouldn't watch you eat it.

I'll go into the kitchen.

I'm gonna watch you eat it!

I'm sorry, I have to.

Well, it smells great, Lisa.

Right...

CHRIS: It's not...It only looks and tastes gross.

That's fine. Stop.

I'm just gonna go. This was a mistake.

Lisa, wait!

I'm leaving your apron here.

Lisa, wait.

I shoud just go!

I'm a really good lawyer.

I don't understand.

Well, here's the thing:

I used to be a very bad lawyer.

I mean really bad...

You wouldn't wish such a lawyer on Chris Brown bad.

The worst.

Well, not the worst, but...

ALEX: Ok, I got it.

Food is important, Lisa.

But food is not justice.

When I was a bad lawyer,

when I was fucking up justice
worse than you fucked up whatever that was...

Chicken piccata.

CHRIS: That...

...was chicken piccata?

Honey.

ALEX: When I was fucking up justice, back in the day,

and people were going to jail,

I never felt as a bad as you seem to feel
about the chicken piccata situation.

There is still time to learn.

Did I fuck it up?

ALEX: Just...

clean yourself up, and

throw away the chicken mistake,

and we'll order some pizza,

and we'll watch The French Chef,

and you can try again tomorrow. OK?

Did I...

...get the job?

It's sort of shocking, right?

Sort of, yes!

Thank you.

I can't believe that worked.

I can't believe you bothered.

I like blondes.

Home sweet...

almost home.

Thank God.

Hey, would you ever want to like...

Do you ever feel like you're going somewhere
with someone, Toby?

Uh, how do you mean?

Just that like, you're going someplace,

and someone else is going to that same place,

and it's not...perfect, but,

you both want the same stuff?

I don't now.

Huh.

I just feel like we're moving in a direction,
Sam and I are...

Huh.

I mean it's not...it works.

It's...

It's something.

We should go out on a date.

I mean...

I'm so broke.

But uh...and I don't mean like funny-haha broke.

I mean like...

I had to pay for my own appendectomy broke.

But I want...I want to buy you dinner.

I want...

That's...that's what I want.

I'm not dating anyone right now, Toby.

Lucky me?

No, I mean, um, that's a thing I'm doing.

I'm choosing not to do that with anyone.

I'm not...

There's just too much stuff.

And everything makes me so stressed out.

And I can't distract myself with...

sexy...

you.

You gotta stop that.

I'm sorry.

I mean,

you either like need to flirt with me a lot more
or a lot less.

Sorry.

It's just...

It's like hell up here. You know?

Yes, I do.

OK.

Goodnight, Ari.

Goodnight, Toby.

Hoo boy.