Whatever This Is. (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Reality - full transcript

Are we going?

OSCAR: We're going.

Well, I didn't know like

what Carmen was even doing there,

because I told her to stay home.

So yeah,

I guess I was feeling a little betrayed.

- What about the dog?
- What?

What about Carmen's dog,
the dog that kept barking?

Oh right!

Well.



Carmen's dog was like barking or whatever,

and it really pissed me off

because she was supposed to take that dog
back with her to San Diego,

and I was like,
"That dog ain't none of my business."

So I said to her,

"Carmen, that dog is not my business."

Would you say that the way Carmen is behaving
is tearing the family apart?

Yeah.

Yes, I would say that.

No.

I mean, would you say that into the camera?

Oh yeah, right.

The way Carmen is behaving

is tearing this family apart.



Toby?

- We're out.
- Pack it up. Thanks, Donna.

- I don't feel great.
- Somebody get this fucking thing offa me?

No, not you. The gay one.

Oh, delicious.

You kids are all hands.

Oughta show some fucking respect.

Golden Rule and shit.

I'm sorry?

I don't know are you?

Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

Fucking millennimals.

Me, me, me!

Gentlemen.

Hey remember that time
we both got college degrees?

Does yours say "The Gay One" on it?

- What was that?
- It's the weirdest thing.

Whenever she talks I get this like

crushing sort of pressure right here,

on the whole
this whole front part of my face,

like someone is just slowly
pressing a door closed on my head.

- Huh.
- Isn't that weird?

No.

Hey!

You know what I love more than anything?

Waiting for you two worthless cocks to

stop sucking each other off

and load my fucking equipment
into the fucking van.

So, keep up the good work!

SAM: Sorry, Oscar. On it!

Sorry, Oscar. I'm on it.

Oh, fuck off!

If you kiss his ass any harder,

it's going to start kissing back.

You know, even when Toby is sick

he still gets all moony-eyed
when he looks at you.

I'm just saying,
you should go over to his place,

and like cradle his head in your arms,

and rehabilitate him like a little baby bird.

Sam, I reject the notion of a culture in which

I require another person
to be considered whole,

so I'm not going to go over to Toby's apartment,

and I'm not going to cradle
his head in my arms.

Instead, I'm going to resign myself

to a life of masturbating like ceaselessly.

So just, you know, save it, honey.

Are we eating tonight or what?

I think so.

The girl is supposed to be cooking.

Is that a good idea?

Do you have a better one?

Twenty-two fifty-five.

What?

$22.55 is your total.

For this shit?

I mean, this stuff?

There is a line, ma'am.

Um...

Don't you have like a card or something

Credit is a trap. Give me a second.

Here, can I help?

No, just give me a minute, I'm sorry...

- It's fine. It's fine, really.
- That isn't

No, I know it isn't, but uh,

I'm doing it anyway.
Isn't that funny?

Hey, thank you for that.

It's no problem.

No I mean it is, that was very

depressing-slash-embarrassing for me,

and you're really...a good samaritan,

so thank you.

It's fine, really.

But so if there's anything I can do to

I don't know, it's five dollars,
so it seems silly, but

There is um...

There is one thing you can do for me,
if it'll make you feel better.

Thank goodness! Because

Give me your number.

Um, OK.

Cool! Thanks.

- I'm Chris.
- Lisa.

Talk to you soon.

LISA: But so yeah, on the subway ride home,

I ran into this huge, huge

scary-looking man with no hair.

He looked like some kind of like subway bouncer

coming to kick me off of the Q train or something.

- For being too hot.
- No, there are lots of hot people on the Q train.

ARI: It's like seven million degrees out;

there are only hot people on the Q train.

LISA: So I'm like, "Oh my god,

what am I going to do about this huge man?"
And I'm kicking myself

for dropping my pepper spray
onto the subway track last weekend

ARI: I could have gotten it for you!

I would have gotten it for you!

LISA: So I have my hand like on my house key,
in my bag

You were going to key him?

Right, I was going to key him.

But it turns out it was just Lamar's dad,

and apparently he didn't see how much
my heart rate went up before I recognized him,

and he just wanted to thank me because

he's been reading to Lamar
like every night now apparently,

because he loved James and the Giant Peach
so much

that they're reading
all of Roald Dahl's books this summer.

And I just walked home feeling so good because,
it was like,

I feel so useless during the summer
when school is out.

And I keep applying for these jobs,
but nobody is hiring for the summer,

and it was just this reminder that, like,
my actual job is really important,

and it's actually changing people's lives,

and I sort of really needed that.

So what happened to you guys today?

This looks good. Thanks for cooking.

I'm not fucking you,
so I'm just going to ask,

what is this?

I used the end of the salad from Tuesday,

and I tried to do a sort of

deconstructed stuffed cabbage? Thing?

Reconstructed.

Reconstituted.

I will re-deconstruct and deconstitute it

if you don't stop complaining
and start eating it like right now.

SAM: What happened to us today...

We're back on that housewives show,

but this one is about the housewives of the
Upper East Side, not the Upper West Side.

What does that mean?

It means that the housewives
are marginally whiter and meaner,

and there isn't actually a show about
these particular housewives yet,

so if we make a good first episode

SAM: Like, reality TV good, not actually good.

then we'll have work for a while.

Although work on this particular show

very closely resembles
my own personal vision of hell.

SAM: And we're back there tomorrow
at this woman Donna's like palatial apartment.

Which will be horrible,
except there will definitely be air conditioning.

Which is good, because in this heat
I'm basically a narcoleptic.

Oscar didn't notice, I think.

Really? Because he seemed super pissed off.

I think Oscar must have like hit
an old gypsy woman in his car,

and as she was dying she was like, "Bitchier!"

and he is like cursed to get
bitchier and bitchier until he dies.

How are we doing?

One thousand five hundred and seventy-eight dollars...

and 45 cents.

And it's due on Monday.

So, if we each make like $75 tomorrow,
we'll be fine.

SAM: And one of us can go to a movie this weekend.

- Ooh! Me.
- Well, someone's excited.

I have a date tomorrow night.

- Well! Look at her!
- Oh, well you can look but don't you touch!

You said you weren't dating anymore.

I did not...

...say that!

You said you were a conscientious objector

to the caustic effects
of the romantic-industrial complex.

This is the last date I made

before I burned all my online dating profiles
to the ground, OK?

LISA: Oh, that's so good!
I bet this guy is The One.

Lisa, I don't want The One.

I don't have time for The One.

I just...have needs. OK?

I'm only human. It's like...

...if you prick me do I not,
you know?

It's been a long time since I got pricked,
is what I'm telling you.

My ears just popped.

Hey where's Toby?

Called in sick.

Appendicitis. Apparently.

Hey this is a neat elevator.

Jesus.

Silence! Keep up.

Donna?

DONNA: What?!

It's Oscar. The whole crew is here.

We're gonna get set up.
We'll be ready to go in a few minutes, OK?

DONNA: Did I buzz you up?

Yup. You did.

We'll just be waiting out here, OK?

LISA: Thank you.

I would tip you if I could, but I can't,

so...I'm not going to.

I feel bad, but...

I love dogs, but I hate you.

Do you want me to...

Yes. Go kill this dog. Now.

I'm not gonna

Just kill the dog for me
so I don't have to.

Now!

- Where do you want
- I've already told you when to do it,

do you want me to tell you what to do, too?

What are you, five years old?

Holy fuck.

I guess it's just me and you.

I found those in a pony!

Ari?

Oscar?

Ari, do you like working for us?

What?

If Donna doesn't come out here
in the next 15 minutes,

we're behind schedule the whole day.
If we lose half the day we lose the day,

and then the episode
doesn't get finished on time,

and then the show doesn't get picked up,
and then we're fucked.

Well, I'm fine, but Dana is fucked

DANA: Suck my dick, Oscar.

Dana is fucked, Sam is fucked.
You are definitely fucked.

The most fucked out of any of us, probably.

I'm confused, is this a pep talk?

If you need it to be a pep talk,
then it's a pep talk.

Get in there. You are my bitch whisperer.

No.

Yes. Not no, yes.

Get in there.

Tell her whatever shoes she's wearing are fine.

Tell her something sassy
about a club you went to once

That is so rude!

Just get Donna out here.

Now!

The pep talk is over.

ARI: Donna?

Oh, fuck.

Fuck. Donna?

Fuck!

You guys, I'm getting dressed!

This is embarrassing.

Oh...

I don't know.

You guys can't shoot me like this.

I don't want to just be
some drunk whore on reality TV.

Well nobody thinks you're a whore.

Oscar has a hunch that you drink, though.

Well then why did he agree to do the show?

I think because he has a hunch that you drink.

Come on!

Come on. It's OK.

C'mon honey, pull it together.

Hey, Donna? Look what I found!

Why do you even care?

Honestly?

Because if you don't pull it together,
I'm going to get fired,

and if I get fired
I have to move back to Pensacola,

and I would rather eat your dog
than move back to Pensacola.

- That bitch isn't even my dog!
- Donna, Look at me!

There is nothing I care about less
in the whole world than who owns that dog.

Pull it together.

OK. Brass tacks.

Tell me a secret.

What?

I'm a professional alcoholic, sweetie.

I have been drunk
every time you have ever met me.

But now you know my secret,
so I want to know yours.

Are we doing this or what?

Just a minute!

Are you serious?

Mm. Cancer serious.

Give me that.

OK.

Fine.

Fine, fine, fine.

Six months ago my roommate attempted suicide,

and we decided not to tell
my other roommate about it.

Nope.

Nope what?

That's their secret.
That's not your secret. Sack up.

You were like built in a secret government lab

to be on reality TV.

Thank you.

OK.

The other reason that
you need to get out there

is that I have a date tonight.

Boring.

And the thing is I really don't date people.

Anymore.

Right now.

Because I used to do that a lot,

and the last time I did it,

I was with this guy, in bed,

and I closed my eyes for a second,

and when I opened them,

I realized I wasn't there anymore.

And it

well I realized that you can be somewhere
and not be there at the same time.

And I don't want to ever do that.

I don't want to be somewhere

unless I'm actually there...

...anymore.

So...

if this guy tonight isn't...

something...

special...

something...

then...

I quit.

Gay people have so many feelings.

Are we good here?

That'll do.

I told her you can't just like do your laundry,

because they're basically unkillable.

I don't even think she was listening.

They should call them "everything bugs,"
because they ruin everything.

Oh, Donna! I'm so glad you're here

Save it. Roll.

We're making up for lost time.

Good dog.

Calm down, we're wrapped.

Oh.

Really?

Good.

Do you like working for us, Sam?

What?

Do you have any idea
how many of you there are?

What do you mean?

Thanks, Oscar!

But...

...why the bonus cash?

What do you mean?

It was only gonna be 75, I thought.

That's for both of you.

But it was going to be 75 each.

You're a real team player, Sam.

I like that about you.

Watch this.

Long way down from here.

Fuck.

LISA: What do you think that's about?

SAM: I don't know.
I think it's a threat, honestly.

But he said he likes you.

Oscar doesn't like anything.

I just have to keep him happy until
he gets promoted, or...

...he quits, and then I can take his place.

Or Ari can.

Right. Or Ari can.

That's the plan.

So!

What did you do today?

I applied for one billion jobs.

Did you know it takes six years
of coffee-making experience

to work at Starbucks?

Anything free or cheap
we should go out and do tonight?

I was thinking we could stay in
and do something free or cheap, maybe.

Yes! This plan is approved.

We're still out of condoms, though.

Uh-uh. I stopped by a gay bar
on the way home.

Yes! Our long national nightmare is over!

- God, you're pretty.
- Come on.

ARI: Yo.

Jesus.

When did you get home?

Like an hour ago.

SAM: Aw come on, dude!

You cleaned!

I was feeling dirty.

LISA: How was the date?

You looked whiter online.

- I don't want to talk about it.
- Aw, honey.

Could be worse.

You smell like sex.

You could have been...mauled by a tiger...

Are we short?

We're short.

So...

what are we gonna do now?

OH MY GOD!

SAM: Oh my god.

Powers Pharmaceutical.

Your body is our business.

Get me the fuck out of here.
Get the helicopter ready, quickly.

Come on, Boyd!