What We Do in the Shadows (2019–…): Season 4, Episode 9 - Freddie - full transcript
Guillermo has a visitor from overseas.
- (Dance music playing)
- NADJA: What can I say?
The nightclub has really
taken off recently.
Nadja's has become the hot spot
for the tri-state area
vampire community.
And I, its queen.
Most of the vampires lining up
won't get in
due to general ugliness. Move!
Okay, you two in the denim capes,
it ain't happening.
Fly back to New Jersey.
NADJA: This place has even
started attracting human celebrities,
which is really great
for business.
There's three of them now.
Sofia, you stupid bitch,
when are you gonna put me
in one of your movies?
I want to show the camera
my bling ring. (Laughs)
JIM:
Hey, Colin really is
performing tonight, right?
We are very excited, man.
We've been hearing
about him for weeks.
Colin is going to be on stage
in three minutes.
Great, that kid is incredible.
More than a star,
he's a phenomenon.
He does have a certain
je ne sais quoi. (Laughs)
Speaking French...
He must have brain scrambles.
That was utter gibberish.
- (laughs)
- SOFIA: Can I just ask you,
what's the "Celebrity Special,"
and is it really $5,000?
Oh, the Celebrity Special!
Something you're interested in?
- Yes, very much.
- Yes, please. - Jim?
Oh, not for me.
We're shooting in the morning.
And, really, I don't make
that kind of money.
Oh. Celebrity Special
for two, anyone?
- (shouting, cheering)
- NADJA: Okay, uh...
You two, over here.
May I present for you
the Celebrity Special?
It's to die for.
(cheering)
Oh, shit, that looks so real.
NADJA:
It's so much more fun
when the celebrities actually
ask for it themselves.
He's empty.
Come on, you guys.
You are really good.
That is amazing.
- Chanting...: Do the head.
- That's right.
Do the head...
(cheering)
(chuckling): I could never
afford a gag like this.
That's amazing.
We're so glad you're enjoying
the show, Jim. (Laughs)
"You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing...
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪
♪ They have no use
for your song ♪
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪
♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪
♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪
[♪ ♪]
- Over here!
- (cheering)
- Sofia?
- NADJA: You think that the celebrities
would have caught on by now,
but I have got Chloë Sevigny
and Tiki Barber booked
for tomorrow night,
and the great Fran Lebowitz
on Thursday.
She says what
we're all thinking.
Okay, time for my little
moneymaker, Baby Colin.
Let's get on with the show.
Now, where is he?
- (grunts)
- (whispers indistinctly)
Are you fucking kidding me?
What do you mean that
Baby Colin is not performing?
He goes on every night
at 3:00 a. m.!
I know, my darling,
but things have changed.
The nightclub
is extraordinarily successful,
and we both know why, so his
contract must reflect that.
- He doesn't have a contract.
- Au contraire.
- I drew one up this morning.
- (Nadja groans)
GUILLERMO:
So, full disclosure,
(whispers):
I met someone.
Well, a while back, when
I was in England with Nadja,
there was this guy, Freddie,
and yeah, we just had
this whirlwind romance.
Ever since I've been back here
we've been FaceTiming,
like, all the time.
(laughs)
And now, he's coming
to New York for the weekend.
- FREDDIE: See you soon.
- (whispers): Okay, besos.
Which is super exciting
and super terrifying,
(chuckles):
Because he's the first person
that I've ever really
dated dated, you know?
I'm gonna pick him up
at the airport,
and we're gonna spend
the whole weekend in the city,
- just Freddie and I and...
- (doorbell rings)
Oh, sorry. Sorry, guys.
I'll be back.
- Surprise. (Laughs)
- Oh. Freddie.
My flight got in early.
Oh, my God, look at your face.
- "Look at my face." Oh, wow.
- Aww.
Who-who are these guys?
It's a, uh, a documentary crew.
How did you find my place?
Oh, return address
of the post you sent me.
Sorry, the "mail" you sent me.
Oh, my God, you Americans.
- (laughs)
- NANDOR: Guillermo?
Oh. That is very kind of you,
but I'm not hungry right now.
GUIDE:
(clears throat) Number one,
"Nightclub staff will not
make direct eye contact
with Colin unless they are
giving him a gift."
- (Nadja groans)
- COLIN: Hey, Nadja, guess what?
- NADJA: What?
- Chicken butt.
- Ugh.
- Okay, number two, uh,
"We also require a merch table,
"where we will sell
Colin's new compact disc..."
LASZLO: Call Me Colin:
An Hour of Singsongs
and Laugh-'Em-Ups
for the Whole Famn Damily.
- Are you gonna sign it?
- Of course not!
My darling,
if it wasn't for this boy,
your club would be
as dead as disco.
- COLIN: And guess what?
- BOTH: What?
All I want is to sing and dance
and make people smile.
I don't even really care about
all this contract baloney.
No, no, no, no. He doesn't
know what he's saying.
So, do have we a deal?
Um, let me just have a little
think, uh, mull it over.
- All right.
- What is this made of?
Fuck no!
Do you think that my club
needs this little weird
ventriloquist tap-dancing freak?
- Hey.
- But he is our main attraction.
I could replace him in a second.
Well, good luck with that.
I've had the owner
of the hottest vampire nightclub
on the phone to me
day and night,
and he's not the only one.
So you're actually
going to leave?
Looks that way, doesn't it?
Come on, boy.
Let's take your talents upstate.
Albany and Binghamton,
to be more precise, but...
- got to start somewhere.
- (Nadja groans)
FREDDIE: Wow, this
place is like a museum.
I-I can't believe this
is your house, Guillermo.
Well, it's actually
not my house.
I just help take care of Nandor.
How'd you never mention that?
I-I thought you worked
at the U. N.
Don't be silly.
Guillermo does not work
at the U and N.
(whispering):
He forgets a lot of things.
His mind doesn't work
the way it used to, so...
- I volunteer on my days off.
- Aw, you're so sweet.
- NANDOR: Guillermo.
- Hmm.
Why did you not tell me you had
a friend coming to visit?
- Friends...
- Oh, we're, uh, we're a little bit
more than friends, actually.
Oh, I see.
- Best friends.
- GUILLERMO: No, uh...
He's my boyfriend.
Oh.
- Oh, wow.
- (Freddie chuckles)
And I'm sorry I didn't
mention that earlier.
This is fantastic news.
- FREDDIE: Right?
- GUILLERMO: Good.
And a long time coming.
- Oh.
- He has been very lonely.
- Oh.
- Extremely lonely.
- GUILLERMO: Not that lonely.
- Pretty lonely.
Not that lonely.
NANDOR:
Very pathetic. Really lonely.
Thank you, Nandor,
that is very interesting.
And can I just reiterate
that your home is beautiful?
I-I mean, this tapestry,
is this Turkish in origin?
- Y-Yes. Yes...
- Around the 15th century, this one here?
GUILLERMO: Freddie's
actually a junior associate
at an auction house in London.
He's kind of an art buff.
- (laughs): No.
- Very good eye.
I disemboweled many villagers
to get this tapestry.
(whispers): We're thinking
of upping his medicine dose
- 'cause...
- (Freddie laughs)
I would love to hear more
of your stories, Nandor.
I'm just so glad
to have a new buddy.
Oh, that's me.
I am the buddy.
This, uh, this place
is pretty dusty, though.
I'd tell you to get a Roomba
in here, but, uh,
- I think it might kill itself.
- (both laugh)
- (laughs)
- I couldn't resist.
I don't know what any of that
means, but I love it.
Okay. Such long teeth.
It's a genetic disorder
in the family.
And, uh, if you ever need anyone
to help you look after
any of these treasures,
- promise you'll give me a call, eh?
- Oh.
So nice to meet you.
What a, what a pleasure.
- I'll see you very soon.
- Yes.
- All right.
- Hopefully.
- Bye-bye.
- GUILLERMO: Sorry about that...
- FREDDIE: That's okay.
- (door closes)
NANDOR:
I cannot sleep.
My mind has been seized
by thoughts
of a very special person.
A person by the name of...
Freddie.
Ever since he and Guillermo
left for the hotel,
Freddie's charm
and sweet, supportive nature
have echoed in my mind.
He touched my arm.
Also, things have grown
a little stale
with my beloved Marwa.
Are you, um...
enjoying sitting in that chair?
Yes. Hmm.
And yours is good?
Yes, uh...
It was a little bit hard,
so I put a cushion on it.
- Wonderful.
- Yes.
NANDOR (sighs):
Fuck, she's boring.
But marriage is sacred to me.
I never once cheated
on any of my 37 wives,
and I'm not about to start now.
Could I steal Freddie
from Guillermo?
Of course.
But that would be cruel.
And also, you know,
sloppy seconds.
If only...
Excuse me for a moment.
(quietly): I'm not sure
if this is possible,
but I wish for Marwa
to be transformed
into an exact copy
of this person: Freddie.
Appearance, personality,
everything.
- Why are you whispering?
- Because Marwa is someone
that I love very much,
and I don't want her to hear
that I'm about to change her
into a completely
different person.
As you wish.
Marwa?
(door creaks)
Hello.
Hi, there. I'm Freddie.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
Boy, this place is pretty dusty.
I'd tell you to get
a Roomba in here,
but I think
it might kill itself.
- (both laugh)
- Sorry, I couldn't resist.
Freddie.
Our star performer's departure
could not come at a worse time
for Mistress Nadja.
I'm actually a little worried
about her.
There's so much pressure
running a nightclub,
and she's been consuming
a massive amount
of liquor blood.
Are you talking shit about me?
- No.
- Hey, I love you like a sister, baby,
you know it, but even...
If you even think
about damaging my brand,
I will cut you in two!
(glass shattering)
Okay!
- COLIN: Lazzo, guess what?
- LASZLO: What?
I can't believe I'm on the road,
on my own tour bus.
Now, this one maybe
isn't as nice as the one
in Cameron Crowe's
turn-of-the-century masterpiece
- Almost Famous, but it...
- We've got to work our way to the top, boy.
We got to strike out on tour.
It's how all the best
vampire acts started.
Gloria Estefang. Bloody Holly.
Bat Stevens. Batboy Slim.
Hall & Throats. Tame Impaler.
The Undead Kennedys.
- (microphone whines faintly)
- (clears throat)
NADJA:
Freshly drained blood
of a drunk human celebrity.
Just a little something
to keep Mama sharp.
Rest in peace,
Sofia Copp-Coppola.
Let us get on with it.
Bring on the first little freak!
GUIDE: Well, first
we have Jack Metcalf.
He is repped
by Christie Marx Management.
He is four feet
and two inches high.
(whoops)
♪ Let me call you
sweetheart... ♪
Flat! Flat!
You don't have the range, babe.
Get off my stage. Next!
GUIDE: Peter Do skin, repped
by Grandpa and Grandma.
Chrysanthemum.
C-H-R-Y-S-A...
Why are you not stuffed
in a locker somewhere?
Your bullies are not doing
a good enough job.
Next!
♪ Meet me in dream land ♪
♪ Sweet dreamy dream land ♪
♪ There let my dreams
come true. ♪
(light applause)
Right, well, that's enough,
you freeloading deadbeats.
If you want to watch,
then you've got to pay. Come on.
(piano playing)
Ugh.
No, no, no.
No.
(grunts) Okay.
I'm coming. Stop it.
Okay, stop tapping.
Watch and learn, bitch.
♪ There's a large bird ♪
♪ Stealing all my brothers... ♪
- (gasps)
- GUIDE: Auditions are over.
NADJA: No, it's going
well. That was the finale.
Ta-da!
- Thank you. Thank you so much.
- (Spanish song playing)
GUILLERMO:
Aw.
I even let him make a list
of all the things
he's always wanted
to do in New York City.
NANDOR: I'm having the
best time with my Freddie.
[♪ ♪]
NANDOR:
He has written a list of things
he would like to do
in New York City,
and now we are doing
those things.
- Is-is it your turn next? I-I think...
- No.
- (cheering)
- Oh, my God!
(laughing):
Wow.
NANDOR:
(grunts) Hey! Hey!
(laughs):
Oh, wow!
- Wait, wait.
- Oh, okay. All right.
- Come around.
- (laughs)
(laughter, indistinct chatter)
[♪ ♪]
(laughs)
GUILLERMO:
So, this weekend has
made me realize
that I really need
- a life outside of work.
- (laughs): Yeah.
I felt like I literally kept
seeing Nandor everywhere...
Which is ridiculous...
Because that's how much space
he occupies in my mind.
- Anyways, we're not talking about Nandor.
- No.
- Let's go get some cheesecake.
- Okay.
- (laughter)
- Hello.
NADJA: Well, last night's
auditions were a mess.
And then I realized,
why am I even trying to find
another child performer?
Fuck them kids.
This is a scary,
sexy nightclub for adults.
So I decided to call
Le Cirque Érotique.
GUIDE: Le Cirque Érotique
is a legendary consortium
of sophisticated
and deeply carnal
vampire circus performers.
Some of the most thrilling,
obscene spectacles
known to vampires.
NADJA:
They're famously tough to book.
GUIDE:
But they are coming here
to perform tonight!
(laughs)
LASZLO:
Lamar?
Yeah, I'm just checking in.
This place is amazing.
It has ice on demand,
24 hours a day.
And it's gratis.
I've got to go,
'cause it's showtime.
Why isn't that boy
doing his scales?
Why aren't you doing
your scales, boy...
- (voice cracking): Hey. Time to hit the road.
- Shit.
This little star's ready
to shake his moneymaker.
Is something wrong?
Do you feel
there's something wrong?
(voice cracking):
No. How far is it to the venue?
To the what?
- COLIN: Venue.
- Um...
Not far.
(whispers):
The fuck?
Right, now,
that was a bit of a shock.
He appears to have
hit puberty overnight.
The worst thing is,
I don't think he realizes it.
- (microphone whines quietly)
- HOST: All right.
All the way up
from Staten Island,
let's give a warm,
Binghamton welcome
to the most talented
little boy in the world,
- Baby Colin.
- (applause)
Hi, Binghamton.
(voice cracking): ♪ If you want to
ring the bell not once, but twice... ♪
MAN:
He's just a kid.
♪ If you want to roll and roll
those lucky dice... ♪
Come on, let's get
a big clap going.
- (rising chatter)
- (scattered clapping)
♪ If you want to spend
your journey's end ♪
♪ With sweet music and love... ♪
WOMAN:
That's not Baby Colin.
- It is... Yeah, it is.
- WOMAN: Fuck... fuck off.
I don't think it's him.
- MAN: Get off the stage!
- Everyone hates me!
(audience hissing)
- Go eat shit.
- Be back soon.
GUIDE:
Oh, that's fun.
NADJA: Come on, the circus
troupe is loading in soon.
- GUSTAVE: Hello?
- Ah.
Gustave Leroy
of Le Cirque Érotique.
Hello, I am Nadja. Welcome.
And the rest of your troupe
are, um...
Oh, I thought they told you.
It's just gonna be me tonight.
Yeah, nobody else was available,
but lucky for you,
I'm very free. Oh.
I'd like to have you put those
up around the club, please.
NADJA:
Just you?
"The clown who can suck
himself off."
I put a little comedy
into it as well.
Now, where is a good place
for me to, uh,
start my stretches?
GUILLERMO:
Hello?
I just need to get
some insoles for my feet.
- They're killing me.
- (distant laughter)
- NANDOR: ...the left nipple.
- (Freddie Clone laughs)
Hey, look who it is.
Freddie, what are you... How?
- Welcome.
- You were just in the car with me.
Don't be silly.
This is not your Freddie.
- This is my own Freddie.
- All right, bruv.
What the hell?
I asked the djinn to turn Marwa
into a carbon copy
of your Freddie.
- What is wrong with you?
- Don't be upset about it.
- You should be flattered.
- Put him back...
- Gigi, what's taking you so long? We need to go.
- No, um...
Freddie, you should probably
wait in the car, because...
Um...
(both screaming)
Please give a warm welcome
to your entertainment
for the evening,
Mr. Gustave Leroy, huh?
(cheering, applause)
(whooping)
GUIDE:
Ah, yeah!
(whistling, gasping)
Yeah!
(laughter)
WOMAN:
Yeah, let's see it.
(cheering)
Yes!
MAN:
He's really going for it.
He's going for a full suck!
Hey, Sofia, so it turns out
it's just some guy
sucking his own dick.
Anyway, very funny the way
you guys disappeared
the other night after
the bloody magic trick,
which I'm still trying
to figure out.
But enough is enough.
Come on, call me back.
(whooping)
- Really?
- WOMAN: That's it?
- MAN: That's it?
- That was, like, 20 seconds.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it was a pleasure for me
- to suck myself off for you.
- (audience booing)
- What the fuck was that?
- Wasn't that amazing?
I've never lasted that long.
This was supposed to be
a whole evening of sucking.
You're useless.
(whoops)
Okay, to, um,
keep the fun going
and liven you guys up,
we're gonna release
the blood sprinklers.
(cheering, applause)
Get ready for loads of blood.
- GUIDE: Oh, yeah!
- Spill the blood for the vampires.
NADJA: We love blood so much.
(whoops)
Blood sprinklers. Can we get
the blood sprinklers on?
Let's get them on.
- (patrons gasping)
- WOMAN: Billy!
Uh...
- Um... Okay...
- (indistinct chatter)
- NADJA: Son of a bitch!
- WOMAN: Peace out, I'm done.
Hang on. No, no, no, don't go,
'cause I'm going to perform.
♪ There's a large bird ♪
♪ Stealing my brothers... ♪
Come on, guys.
Let's get a big clap going.
(whoops)
♪ And I realized
that the egg was me... ♪
- (shouts)
- GUIDE: Oh, no.
NANDOR:
In three, two, one, go!
- Okay, um, uh, the Panama Canal.
- Got it.
- Uh, oh, uh, pizza chef.
- Yep.
- Uh, Barbie doll. Uh, Alaska.
- Yep. Yep.
NANDOR:
So, I did a little hypnosis
on the two Freddies.
Basically, I told them
not to make such a big a deal
out of the whole cloning thing.
- Uh, Genji monogatari by Murasaki Shikibu.
- Hai!
Oh, uh, T-The New Adventures
of Old Christine.
- Yes.
- And that's time.
- BOTH: Yes! Come on, Freddie.
- NANDOR: Oh.
- (both Freddies laugh)
- Very impressive, you two.
Very, um, in sync.
- (laughter)
- NANDOR: Hmm?
- Hmm?
- Very good.
Now they're getting on great,
so the situation
is totally fine.
Fun little evening we're having,
wouldn't you say?
No, I wouldn't say.
- Couldn't just let me have one thing of my own?
- I did.
You have your thing
and I have mine.
Oh, so you took your wife,
who you transformed
into the perfect woman,
and then turned her into
a carbon copy of my boyfriend?
Doesn't that register with you
as being messed up?
Stop saying things
that I have done.
This is my last night
with Freddie.
Okay, this might seem like
a huge game to you, but it's not
- to me, I really care about him.
- I know, I just...
Do you understand that
I've never, in my whole life,
ever, had a long-term
boyfriend? Not once.
And you find a way
to make it about yourself.
So thanks.
Uh, wait... I...
- Freddie? We're leaving.
- Yes?
- Oh, uh...
- FREDDIE: Oh, uh...
NANDOR:
That's, uh...
That's actually...
...my Freddie.
Freddie, we're leaving.
Oh, uh, awesome
to meet you, Freddie.
Awesome to meet you, too,
Freddie.
GUILLERMO:
Freddie, don't talk to Freddie.
Well,
Freddie had to go back
to England...
Bye.
I love you.
...meaning I'm back
to my normal life,
being a familiar for Nandor
and his exact clone
of my boyfriend.
At least we can stay in touch
through the Internet.
- FREDDIE (over device): How's it going?
- Are you having beans
- for dinner again?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- You're such a little bean freak, babe.
- Guilty as charged.
FREDDIE CLONE:
Is that who I think it is?
Oh, how's it going, Fredmeister?
Yeah, not too bad, Fredmeister.
- Ooh, did you get a chance to read the deep dive...
- Uh...
...on the Palatine Hill in
this month's Rosetta Journal?
Oh, let me have a think.
Hmm, how about yes?
That's section on early medieval
earthenware they just excavated?
Bombshell, am I right?
I had to put the journal down
and take a walk
- around the block.
- Me, too, I just had to put
the journal down and take
a walk around the block.
- Honestly.
- Me, too! I had to put...
I'm sorry, can we can cut?
LASZLO: You can't cancel
our dates, you bastard.
We've got a contract.
- Don't fuck me.
- Why is this happening to me?
I'm repulsive.
Good grief!
Whatever is that foul odor?
It's me. And Laszlo, guess what?
- What?
- I hate you. You're ruining my life!
Come on, boy,
don't be like that.
I can sort this out. Yeah?
I'll get you on stage tonight.
No! I'm not singing
any more of those baby songs.
- And guess what?
- What?
From here on out,
I'll only consider performing
if it's the music of Papa Roach
or Evanescence.
(nu metal playing)
- Fuck off!
- LASZLO: Shut your mouth.
[♪ ♪]
I am beginning to think
that maybe
what I did was wrong.
Probably not, but maybe.
I set out to make things right
with Guillermo.
I offered to give him
my Freddie,
as a token of apology
and also so that they could have
sex with each other.
No. It's not the same.
- It's pretty similar.
- But it's not.
NANDOR:
That's when I knew I had to let
my Freddie go.
Which also meant
letting my wife Marwa go.
But I did leave her
in Freddie form,
'cause she seemed so much
happier like that.
Perhaps true love is
about more than
wishing for someone who likes
all the things you like.
My sweet Freddie.
My Freddie always told me
that his dream
was to travel the world,
explore his passion
for art and history.
Don't forget to buy that Roomba.
(crying):
I won't.
I suppose I am the one
who is now granting a wish.
Fucking sucks.
(sniffles)
NADJA:
It is clear to me now
that without Baby Colin
as its main attraction,
this club cannot survive.
This place was the center
of the vampire universe.
But now it is just a big,
empty piece of shit.
And despite my hopes
of a comeback,
it is clear that
our best days are behind us.
- My darling?
- (gasps) Laszlo!
I've thought of a way
of saving the club.
Ah. How?
I've heard about
this amazing clown
that can suck himself dry.
(moans)
Who is this young ruffian?
You remember Baby Colin?
Well, he's had a growth spurt.
- Hey.
- (gasps)
Can we go?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Bye.
GUILLERMO:
Cheers from jolly old England.
I decided to go
surprise Freddie,
because why not, right?
You only live once.
And I have
all that money saved that I...
whatever, I stole from the club.
He has no idea
that I'm here, so...
- (distant laughter)
- Oh. Is that him?
Over there, right with...
- I love you, Freddie.
- I love you, too, Freddie.
- Fancy a pint of bitter?
- Why not?
"Layla" by Derek & the Dominos
playing...
[♪ ♪]
Impaler Swift.
Bruno Scars. Lindsey Suckingham.
And that's not even mentioning
the wraith acts.
Bonnie Wraith. Wraith Hill.
Wraith Evans.
Billy Wraith Cyrus.
Wraith No More.
Wraith Charles.
I could go on.
[♪ ♪]
[♪ ♪]
- NADJA: What can I say?
The nightclub has really
taken off recently.
Nadja's has become the hot spot
for the tri-state area
vampire community.
And I, its queen.
Most of the vampires lining up
won't get in
due to general ugliness. Move!
Okay, you two in the denim capes,
it ain't happening.
Fly back to New Jersey.
NADJA: This place has even
started attracting human celebrities,
which is really great
for business.
There's three of them now.
Sofia, you stupid bitch,
when are you gonna put me
in one of your movies?
I want to show the camera
my bling ring. (Laughs)
JIM:
Hey, Colin really is
performing tonight, right?
We are very excited, man.
We've been hearing
about him for weeks.
Colin is going to be on stage
in three minutes.
Great, that kid is incredible.
More than a star,
he's a phenomenon.
He does have a certain
je ne sais quoi. (Laughs)
Speaking French...
He must have brain scrambles.
That was utter gibberish.
- (laughs)
- SOFIA: Can I just ask you,
what's the "Celebrity Special,"
and is it really $5,000?
Oh, the Celebrity Special!
Something you're interested in?
- Yes, very much.
- Yes, please. - Jim?
Oh, not for me.
We're shooting in the morning.
And, really, I don't make
that kind of money.
Oh. Celebrity Special
for two, anyone?
- (shouting, cheering)
- NADJA: Okay, uh...
You two, over here.
May I present for you
the Celebrity Special?
It's to die for.
(cheering)
Oh, shit, that looks so real.
NADJA:
It's so much more fun
when the celebrities actually
ask for it themselves.
He's empty.
Come on, you guys.
You are really good.
That is amazing.
- Chanting...: Do the head.
- That's right.
Do the head...
(cheering)
(chuckling): I could never
afford a gag like this.
That's amazing.
We're so glad you're enjoying
the show, Jim. (Laughs)
"You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing...
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪
♪ They have no use
for your song ♪
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪
♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪
♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪
[♪ ♪]
- Over here!
- (cheering)
- Sofia?
- NADJA: You think that the celebrities
would have caught on by now,
but I have got Chloë Sevigny
and Tiki Barber booked
for tomorrow night,
and the great Fran Lebowitz
on Thursday.
She says what
we're all thinking.
Okay, time for my little
moneymaker, Baby Colin.
Let's get on with the show.
Now, where is he?
- (grunts)
- (whispers indistinctly)
Are you fucking kidding me?
What do you mean that
Baby Colin is not performing?
He goes on every night
at 3:00 a. m.!
I know, my darling,
but things have changed.
The nightclub
is extraordinarily successful,
and we both know why, so his
contract must reflect that.
- He doesn't have a contract.
- Au contraire.
- I drew one up this morning.
- (Nadja groans)
GUILLERMO:
So, full disclosure,
(whispers):
I met someone.
Well, a while back, when
I was in England with Nadja,
there was this guy, Freddie,
and yeah, we just had
this whirlwind romance.
Ever since I've been back here
we've been FaceTiming,
like, all the time.
(laughs)
And now, he's coming
to New York for the weekend.
- FREDDIE: See you soon.
- (whispers): Okay, besos.
Which is super exciting
and super terrifying,
(chuckles):
Because he's the first person
that I've ever really
dated dated, you know?
I'm gonna pick him up
at the airport,
and we're gonna spend
the whole weekend in the city,
- just Freddie and I and...
- (doorbell rings)
Oh, sorry. Sorry, guys.
I'll be back.
- Surprise. (Laughs)
- Oh. Freddie.
My flight got in early.
Oh, my God, look at your face.
- "Look at my face." Oh, wow.
- Aww.
Who-who are these guys?
It's a, uh, a documentary crew.
How did you find my place?
Oh, return address
of the post you sent me.
Sorry, the "mail" you sent me.
Oh, my God, you Americans.
- (laughs)
- NANDOR: Guillermo?
Oh. That is very kind of you,
but I'm not hungry right now.
GUIDE:
(clears throat) Number one,
"Nightclub staff will not
make direct eye contact
with Colin unless they are
giving him a gift."
- (Nadja groans)
- COLIN: Hey, Nadja, guess what?
- NADJA: What?
- Chicken butt.
- Ugh.
- Okay, number two, uh,
"We also require a merch table,
"where we will sell
Colin's new compact disc..."
LASZLO: Call Me Colin:
An Hour of Singsongs
and Laugh-'Em-Ups
for the Whole Famn Damily.
- Are you gonna sign it?
- Of course not!
My darling,
if it wasn't for this boy,
your club would be
as dead as disco.
- COLIN: And guess what?
- BOTH: What?
All I want is to sing and dance
and make people smile.
I don't even really care about
all this contract baloney.
No, no, no, no. He doesn't
know what he's saying.
So, do have we a deal?
Um, let me just have a little
think, uh, mull it over.
- All right.
- What is this made of?
Fuck no!
Do you think that my club
needs this little weird
ventriloquist tap-dancing freak?
- Hey.
- But he is our main attraction.
I could replace him in a second.
Well, good luck with that.
I've had the owner
of the hottest vampire nightclub
on the phone to me
day and night,
and he's not the only one.
So you're actually
going to leave?
Looks that way, doesn't it?
Come on, boy.
Let's take your talents upstate.
Albany and Binghamton,
to be more precise, but...
- got to start somewhere.
- (Nadja groans)
FREDDIE: Wow, this
place is like a museum.
I-I can't believe this
is your house, Guillermo.
Well, it's actually
not my house.
I just help take care of Nandor.
How'd you never mention that?
I-I thought you worked
at the U. N.
Don't be silly.
Guillermo does not work
at the U and N.
(whispering):
He forgets a lot of things.
His mind doesn't work
the way it used to, so...
- I volunteer on my days off.
- Aw, you're so sweet.
- NANDOR: Guillermo.
- Hmm.
Why did you not tell me you had
a friend coming to visit?
- Friends...
- Oh, we're, uh, we're a little bit
more than friends, actually.
Oh, I see.
- Best friends.
- GUILLERMO: No, uh...
He's my boyfriend.
Oh.
- Oh, wow.
- (Freddie chuckles)
And I'm sorry I didn't
mention that earlier.
This is fantastic news.
- FREDDIE: Right?
- GUILLERMO: Good.
And a long time coming.
- Oh.
- He has been very lonely.
- Oh.
- Extremely lonely.
- GUILLERMO: Not that lonely.
- Pretty lonely.
Not that lonely.
NANDOR:
Very pathetic. Really lonely.
Thank you, Nandor,
that is very interesting.
And can I just reiterate
that your home is beautiful?
I-I mean, this tapestry,
is this Turkish in origin?
- Y-Yes. Yes...
- Around the 15th century, this one here?
GUILLERMO: Freddie's
actually a junior associate
at an auction house in London.
He's kind of an art buff.
- (laughs): No.
- Very good eye.
I disemboweled many villagers
to get this tapestry.
(whispers): We're thinking
of upping his medicine dose
- 'cause...
- (Freddie laughs)
I would love to hear more
of your stories, Nandor.
I'm just so glad
to have a new buddy.
Oh, that's me.
I am the buddy.
This, uh, this place
is pretty dusty, though.
I'd tell you to get a Roomba
in here, but, uh,
- I think it might kill itself.
- (both laugh)
- (laughs)
- I couldn't resist.
I don't know what any of that
means, but I love it.
Okay. Such long teeth.
It's a genetic disorder
in the family.
And, uh, if you ever need anyone
to help you look after
any of these treasures,
- promise you'll give me a call, eh?
- Oh.
So nice to meet you.
What a, what a pleasure.
- I'll see you very soon.
- Yes.
- All right.
- Hopefully.
- Bye-bye.
- GUILLERMO: Sorry about that...
- FREDDIE: That's okay.
- (door closes)
NANDOR:
I cannot sleep.
My mind has been seized
by thoughts
of a very special person.
A person by the name of...
Freddie.
Ever since he and Guillermo
left for the hotel,
Freddie's charm
and sweet, supportive nature
have echoed in my mind.
He touched my arm.
Also, things have grown
a little stale
with my beloved Marwa.
Are you, um...
enjoying sitting in that chair?
Yes. Hmm.
And yours is good?
Yes, uh...
It was a little bit hard,
so I put a cushion on it.
- Wonderful.
- Yes.
NANDOR (sighs):
Fuck, she's boring.
But marriage is sacred to me.
I never once cheated
on any of my 37 wives,
and I'm not about to start now.
Could I steal Freddie
from Guillermo?
Of course.
But that would be cruel.
And also, you know,
sloppy seconds.
If only...
Excuse me for a moment.
(quietly): I'm not sure
if this is possible,
but I wish for Marwa
to be transformed
into an exact copy
of this person: Freddie.
Appearance, personality,
everything.
- Why are you whispering?
- Because Marwa is someone
that I love very much,
and I don't want her to hear
that I'm about to change her
into a completely
different person.
As you wish.
Marwa?
(door creaks)
Hello.
Hi, there. I'm Freddie.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
Boy, this place is pretty dusty.
I'd tell you to get
a Roomba in here,
but I think
it might kill itself.
- (both laugh)
- Sorry, I couldn't resist.
Freddie.
Our star performer's departure
could not come at a worse time
for Mistress Nadja.
I'm actually a little worried
about her.
There's so much pressure
running a nightclub,
and she's been consuming
a massive amount
of liquor blood.
Are you talking shit about me?
- No.
- Hey, I love you like a sister, baby,
you know it, but even...
If you even think
about damaging my brand,
I will cut you in two!
(glass shattering)
Okay!
- COLIN: Lazzo, guess what?
- LASZLO: What?
I can't believe I'm on the road,
on my own tour bus.
Now, this one maybe
isn't as nice as the one
in Cameron Crowe's
turn-of-the-century masterpiece
- Almost Famous, but it...
- We've got to work our way to the top, boy.
We got to strike out on tour.
It's how all the best
vampire acts started.
Gloria Estefang. Bloody Holly.
Bat Stevens. Batboy Slim.
Hall & Throats. Tame Impaler.
The Undead Kennedys.
- (microphone whines faintly)
- (clears throat)
NADJA:
Freshly drained blood
of a drunk human celebrity.
Just a little something
to keep Mama sharp.
Rest in peace,
Sofia Copp-Coppola.
Let us get on with it.
Bring on the first little freak!
GUIDE: Well, first
we have Jack Metcalf.
He is repped
by Christie Marx Management.
He is four feet
and two inches high.
(whoops)
♪ Let me call you
sweetheart... ♪
Flat! Flat!
You don't have the range, babe.
Get off my stage. Next!
GUIDE: Peter Do skin, repped
by Grandpa and Grandma.
Chrysanthemum.
C-H-R-Y-S-A...
Why are you not stuffed
in a locker somewhere?
Your bullies are not doing
a good enough job.
Next!
♪ Meet me in dream land ♪
♪ Sweet dreamy dream land ♪
♪ There let my dreams
come true. ♪
(light applause)
Right, well, that's enough,
you freeloading deadbeats.
If you want to watch,
then you've got to pay. Come on.
(piano playing)
Ugh.
No, no, no.
No.
(grunts) Okay.
I'm coming. Stop it.
Okay, stop tapping.
Watch and learn, bitch.
♪ There's a large bird ♪
♪ Stealing all my brothers... ♪
- (gasps)
- GUIDE: Auditions are over.
NADJA: No, it's going
well. That was the finale.
Ta-da!
- Thank you. Thank you so much.
- (Spanish song playing)
GUILLERMO:
Aw.
I even let him make a list
of all the things
he's always wanted
to do in New York City.
NANDOR: I'm having the
best time with my Freddie.
[♪ ♪]
NANDOR:
He has written a list of things
he would like to do
in New York City,
and now we are doing
those things.
- Is-is it your turn next? I-I think...
- No.
- (cheering)
- Oh, my God!
(laughing):
Wow.
NANDOR:
(grunts) Hey! Hey!
(laughs):
Oh, wow!
- Wait, wait.
- Oh, okay. All right.
- Come around.
- (laughs)
(laughter, indistinct chatter)
[♪ ♪]
(laughs)
GUILLERMO:
So, this weekend has
made me realize
that I really need
- a life outside of work.
- (laughs): Yeah.
I felt like I literally kept
seeing Nandor everywhere...
Which is ridiculous...
Because that's how much space
he occupies in my mind.
- Anyways, we're not talking about Nandor.
- No.
- Let's go get some cheesecake.
- Okay.
- (laughter)
- Hello.
NADJA: Well, last night's
auditions were a mess.
And then I realized,
why am I even trying to find
another child performer?
Fuck them kids.
This is a scary,
sexy nightclub for adults.
So I decided to call
Le Cirque Érotique.
GUIDE: Le Cirque Érotique
is a legendary consortium
of sophisticated
and deeply carnal
vampire circus performers.
Some of the most thrilling,
obscene spectacles
known to vampires.
NADJA:
They're famously tough to book.
GUIDE:
But they are coming here
to perform tonight!
(laughs)
LASZLO:
Lamar?
Yeah, I'm just checking in.
This place is amazing.
It has ice on demand,
24 hours a day.
And it's gratis.
I've got to go,
'cause it's showtime.
Why isn't that boy
doing his scales?
Why aren't you doing
your scales, boy...
- (voice cracking): Hey. Time to hit the road.
- Shit.
This little star's ready
to shake his moneymaker.
Is something wrong?
Do you feel
there's something wrong?
(voice cracking):
No. How far is it to the venue?
To the what?
- COLIN: Venue.
- Um...
Not far.
(whispers):
The fuck?
Right, now,
that was a bit of a shock.
He appears to have
hit puberty overnight.
The worst thing is,
I don't think he realizes it.
- (microphone whines quietly)
- HOST: All right.
All the way up
from Staten Island,
let's give a warm,
Binghamton welcome
to the most talented
little boy in the world,
- Baby Colin.
- (applause)
Hi, Binghamton.
(voice cracking): ♪ If you want to
ring the bell not once, but twice... ♪
MAN:
He's just a kid.
♪ If you want to roll and roll
those lucky dice... ♪
Come on, let's get
a big clap going.
- (rising chatter)
- (scattered clapping)
♪ If you want to spend
your journey's end ♪
♪ With sweet music and love... ♪
WOMAN:
That's not Baby Colin.
- It is... Yeah, it is.
- WOMAN: Fuck... fuck off.
I don't think it's him.
- MAN: Get off the stage!
- Everyone hates me!
(audience hissing)
- Go eat shit.
- Be back soon.
GUIDE:
Oh, that's fun.
NADJA: Come on, the circus
troupe is loading in soon.
- GUSTAVE: Hello?
- Ah.
Gustave Leroy
of Le Cirque Érotique.
Hello, I am Nadja. Welcome.
And the rest of your troupe
are, um...
Oh, I thought they told you.
It's just gonna be me tonight.
Yeah, nobody else was available,
but lucky for you,
I'm very free. Oh.
I'd like to have you put those
up around the club, please.
NADJA:
Just you?
"The clown who can suck
himself off."
I put a little comedy
into it as well.
Now, where is a good place
for me to, uh,
start my stretches?
GUILLERMO:
Hello?
I just need to get
some insoles for my feet.
- They're killing me.
- (distant laughter)
- NANDOR: ...the left nipple.
- (Freddie Clone laughs)
Hey, look who it is.
Freddie, what are you... How?
- Welcome.
- You were just in the car with me.
Don't be silly.
This is not your Freddie.
- This is my own Freddie.
- All right, bruv.
What the hell?
I asked the djinn to turn Marwa
into a carbon copy
of your Freddie.
- What is wrong with you?
- Don't be upset about it.
- You should be flattered.
- Put him back...
- Gigi, what's taking you so long? We need to go.
- No, um...
Freddie, you should probably
wait in the car, because...
Um...
(both screaming)
Please give a warm welcome
to your entertainment
for the evening,
Mr. Gustave Leroy, huh?
(cheering, applause)
(whooping)
GUIDE:
Ah, yeah!
(whistling, gasping)
Yeah!
(laughter)
WOMAN:
Yeah, let's see it.
(cheering)
Yes!
MAN:
He's really going for it.
He's going for a full suck!
Hey, Sofia, so it turns out
it's just some guy
sucking his own dick.
Anyway, very funny the way
you guys disappeared
the other night after
the bloody magic trick,
which I'm still trying
to figure out.
But enough is enough.
Come on, call me back.
(whooping)
- Really?
- WOMAN: That's it?
- MAN: That's it?
- That was, like, 20 seconds.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it was a pleasure for me
- to suck myself off for you.
- (audience booing)
- What the fuck was that?
- Wasn't that amazing?
I've never lasted that long.
This was supposed to be
a whole evening of sucking.
You're useless.
(whoops)
Okay, to, um,
keep the fun going
and liven you guys up,
we're gonna release
the blood sprinklers.
(cheering, applause)
Get ready for loads of blood.
- GUIDE: Oh, yeah!
- Spill the blood for the vampires.
NADJA: We love blood so much.
(whoops)
Blood sprinklers. Can we get
the blood sprinklers on?
Let's get them on.
- (patrons gasping)
- WOMAN: Billy!
Uh...
- Um... Okay...
- (indistinct chatter)
- NADJA: Son of a bitch!
- WOMAN: Peace out, I'm done.
Hang on. No, no, no, don't go,
'cause I'm going to perform.
♪ There's a large bird ♪
♪ Stealing my brothers... ♪
Come on, guys.
Let's get a big clap going.
(whoops)
♪ And I realized
that the egg was me... ♪
- (shouts)
- GUIDE: Oh, no.
NANDOR:
In three, two, one, go!
- Okay, um, uh, the Panama Canal.
- Got it.
- Uh, oh, uh, pizza chef.
- Yep.
- Uh, Barbie doll. Uh, Alaska.
- Yep. Yep.
NANDOR:
So, I did a little hypnosis
on the two Freddies.
Basically, I told them
not to make such a big a deal
out of the whole cloning thing.
- Uh, Genji monogatari by Murasaki Shikibu.
- Hai!
Oh, uh, T-The New Adventures
of Old Christine.
- Yes.
- And that's time.
- BOTH: Yes! Come on, Freddie.
- NANDOR: Oh.
- (both Freddies laugh)
- Very impressive, you two.
Very, um, in sync.
- (laughter)
- NANDOR: Hmm?
- Hmm?
- Very good.
Now they're getting on great,
so the situation
is totally fine.
Fun little evening we're having,
wouldn't you say?
No, I wouldn't say.
- Couldn't just let me have one thing of my own?
- I did.
You have your thing
and I have mine.
Oh, so you took your wife,
who you transformed
into the perfect woman,
and then turned her into
a carbon copy of my boyfriend?
Doesn't that register with you
as being messed up?
Stop saying things
that I have done.
This is my last night
with Freddie.
Okay, this might seem like
a huge game to you, but it's not
- to me, I really care about him.
- I know, I just...
Do you understand that
I've never, in my whole life,
ever, had a long-term
boyfriend? Not once.
And you find a way
to make it about yourself.
So thanks.
Uh, wait... I...
- Freddie? We're leaving.
- Yes?
- Oh, uh...
- FREDDIE: Oh, uh...
NANDOR:
That's, uh...
That's actually...
...my Freddie.
Freddie, we're leaving.
Oh, uh, awesome
to meet you, Freddie.
Awesome to meet you, too,
Freddie.
GUILLERMO:
Freddie, don't talk to Freddie.
Well,
Freddie had to go back
to England...
Bye.
I love you.
...meaning I'm back
to my normal life,
being a familiar for Nandor
and his exact clone
of my boyfriend.
At least we can stay in touch
through the Internet.
- FREDDIE (over device): How's it going?
- Are you having beans
- for dinner again?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- You're such a little bean freak, babe.
- Guilty as charged.
FREDDIE CLONE:
Is that who I think it is?
Oh, how's it going, Fredmeister?
Yeah, not too bad, Fredmeister.
- Ooh, did you get a chance to read the deep dive...
- Uh...
...on the Palatine Hill in
this month's Rosetta Journal?
Oh, let me have a think.
Hmm, how about yes?
That's section on early medieval
earthenware they just excavated?
Bombshell, am I right?
I had to put the journal down
and take a walk
- around the block.
- Me, too, I just had to put
the journal down and take
a walk around the block.
- Honestly.
- Me, too! I had to put...
I'm sorry, can we can cut?
LASZLO: You can't cancel
our dates, you bastard.
We've got a contract.
- Don't fuck me.
- Why is this happening to me?
I'm repulsive.
Good grief!
Whatever is that foul odor?
It's me. And Laszlo, guess what?
- What?
- I hate you. You're ruining my life!
Come on, boy,
don't be like that.
I can sort this out. Yeah?
I'll get you on stage tonight.
No! I'm not singing
any more of those baby songs.
- And guess what?
- What?
From here on out,
I'll only consider performing
if it's the music of Papa Roach
or Evanescence.
(nu metal playing)
- Fuck off!
- LASZLO: Shut your mouth.
[♪ ♪]
I am beginning to think
that maybe
what I did was wrong.
Probably not, but maybe.
I set out to make things right
with Guillermo.
I offered to give him
my Freddie,
as a token of apology
and also so that they could have
sex with each other.
No. It's not the same.
- It's pretty similar.
- But it's not.
NANDOR:
That's when I knew I had to let
my Freddie go.
Which also meant
letting my wife Marwa go.
But I did leave her
in Freddie form,
'cause she seemed so much
happier like that.
Perhaps true love is
about more than
wishing for someone who likes
all the things you like.
My sweet Freddie.
My Freddie always told me
that his dream
was to travel the world,
explore his passion
for art and history.
Don't forget to buy that Roomba.
(crying):
I won't.
I suppose I am the one
who is now granting a wish.
Fucking sucks.
(sniffles)
NADJA:
It is clear to me now
that without Baby Colin
as its main attraction,
this club cannot survive.
This place was the center
of the vampire universe.
But now it is just a big,
empty piece of shit.
And despite my hopes
of a comeback,
it is clear that
our best days are behind us.
- My darling?
- (gasps) Laszlo!
I've thought of a way
of saving the club.
Ah. How?
I've heard about
this amazing clown
that can suck himself dry.
(moans)
Who is this young ruffian?
You remember Baby Colin?
Well, he's had a growth spurt.
- Hey.
- (gasps)
Can we go?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Bye.
GUILLERMO:
Cheers from jolly old England.
I decided to go
surprise Freddie,
because why not, right?
You only live once.
And I have
all that money saved that I...
whatever, I stole from the club.
He has no idea
that I'm here, so...
- (distant laughter)
- Oh. Is that him?
Over there, right with...
- I love you, Freddie.
- I love you, too, Freddie.
- Fancy a pint of bitter?
- Why not?
"Layla" by Derek & the Dominos
playing...
[♪ ♪]
Impaler Swift.
Bruno Scars. Lindsey Suckingham.
And that's not even mentioning
the wraith acts.
Bonnie Wraith. Wraith Hill.
Wraith Evans.
Billy Wraith Cyrus.
Wraith No More.
Wraith Charles.
I could go on.
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