What We Do in the Shadows (2019–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - Pine Barrens - full transcript

Once we clear Keasbey,

it's a straight shot
down the Garden State Parkway

until we hit the Pine Barrens.

And let me tell you,

the Pine Barrens is
some forest primeval shit.

Sean has invited us
to his family's cabin

in the New Jersey woodlands.

- The Pine Barrens.
- Which is the same thing.

- For a weekend hunting trip.
- We vampires

do not hunt.

Of course we fucking do.
We hunt humans.



Does that count, though?

Nothing wrong

with a long weekend
away from the ladies.

"We dem boys," am I right?

- Yes.
- Indeed, but remember,

Nandor and I need to be back

no later than 5:00 a. M.
On Sunday.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have jobs
at the railroad.

You're like
a broken record, Laz.

Yes, we them boys
who work at the railroad.

You know,

that kid looks like the spitting
image of Colin Robinson.

It's like Little Baby Dilbert
over here.

Well, as we mentioned before,



Colin Robinson
is the child's uncle,

so according to genetics,
that story makes perfect sense.

Yeah, whatever. Hey, cornbread,

what you playing back there?

- Oh, no. What the fuck...
- Oh, it's a game called

"Welcome to Bloxburg,"
and it's a game on Roblox

and you can build your own house

or get a job like a pizza maker
or woodcutter

or insurance adjust...

"You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing...

♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪

♪ They have no use
for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

You look very nice in the bath.
Look at you.

- Thank you, honey.
- With the boys being away

on this hunting trip with Sean,

it is just so...
...nice

to have the house
to myself for a change.

To ourselves. There's two of us.

Oh, yes. Of course.

It's really nice to have
the whole house to myself,

for once.

Since Nandor, Laszlo, Nadja
and Baby Colin are all gone,

I get to choose what I want
to do for a change.

We really needed a break
from Laszlo, Nandor, Gizmo,

and the small weird creature

that clawed its way out of
the abdominal cavity

of our deceased
former friend Colin Robinson.

It's rare that
anyone leaves me alone,

so I'm gonna have my family
over tomorrow night.

I've been putting it off
for, like...

12 years?

This house, it can be
a lot of male energy.

Oh.

I mean, duh.

So while
they're off in the forest,

we will be having
a good, old-fashioned

sloppy girls' night at home.

- Yes.
- And you know,

I think the weekend will be
very good for the boys, too.

Did you want to help
with the bags?

I wasn't planning to, no.

- Okay, thank you.
- Thank you.

Laszlo and Nandor
have been bickering a lot recently.

You know, for the past
one or two or...

actually, about 80 years.

You want to help with the door?

I wasn't planning to, no.

- Okay, thank you.
- Thank you.

It's good

that they're going to have
a chance to reconnect.

Put all the
bags in there, all right?

Eesh.

Now, that up there,

I got that when I was 14.

Took me nine shots,
but I got it.

First time I ever saw
something die.

But it wouldn't be the last.

Well, marksmanship
clearly runs in the family.

That's a very impressive
collection of firearms.

Oh, yeah. Well,
it's mostly my granddad's.

He started collecting them
when he bought the cabin

from this Polish guy
he used to bowl with,

you know, before the cataracts.

It's always sad when a Polish
fellow gets cataracts.

No, I think what Sean is saying

is that his grandfather
got the cataracts,

which is why he could
no longer do bowling

with the Polish fellow.

Actually, the problem was...

No, no, hold on, Sean. No.

The Polish fellow
got the cataracts,

ending his bowling career,

cutting his income,

forcing him to sell
this cabin, clearly.

The problem with Laszlo

is that he cannot admit
that there's something

that even he does not know.

He thinks that he knows
all things.

And if there's one thing
I cannot abide,

it is someone
who's a know-it-all-things.

- Actually...
- If I could just take a moment, Sean,

I know a thing or two
about fellows,

and I would say
it is more than likely

that the Polish fellow

went bowling
with other fellows for fun

and not for his livelihood.

Nandor's problem is

he has a bird-sized brain
in a mammoth-sized body.

Wouldn't you say?

Well, you see, that theory
betrays an ignorance...

- Oh...
- ...for the many Polish fellows that have done very well

vis-à-vis bowling
competition money.

Agree to disagree.

Boy, do your thing.

Hey, Siri, search "Polish
bowlers top cash prize earners."

Okay, I found
this on the web for "bowling Polish

top cash prize earners."

- Check it out.
- Yes?

It's a Wikipedia page
for someone called Daria Pajak.

Read the page.

"Daria Pajak is a professional
bowling player

- from Poland..."
- From Poland.

"...who competes on the
professional women's bowling..."

- That's right, my boy.
- Shut up!

- Hey!
- Very mature.

Right.

So, what are we doing?

Time for a little hunting
of our own.

The most dangerous game...

- Hunting humans...
- The hunters become the hunted.

Fucking hell.
Stop interrupting me.

Eesh.

I have recently
been experimenting

with echolocation.

- Hey, Lazzo, guess what?
- What?

I need more Robux to buy
gamer wings for my avatar

- because guess what?
- What?

- I already have the Gamer Cloak.
- Enough.

You're going to scare away
the humans.

Silence is the hunter's
greatest weapon.

And you're shitting all over it.

Uh, can we go?
I'm on eight percent.

You know, you're lucky
to have a guy like Lasz

- taking care of you.
- I guess.

Sometimes I think that Lazzo
doesn't like me so much.

Are you kidding me?
He loves you.

He's always saying,
"I'm not gonna have you grow up

to be a bald-headed,
energy-sucking bore."

Huh, that's why my old man
wouldn't let me watch PBS.

Do you think I'm boring?

What? You got your little
computer pad,

and a... stick.

And a whole bunch of other
neat stuff, right?

What else do you like doing?

Well, I like to go
into the basement in the house

and smash holes
into the wall with a hammer.

Like, really hard.

Just over and over again.

Just smashing and smashing

and smashing,
and I can't help it.

It makes me feel good.

But like, only walls, right?

You don't like, uh... smashing
a person or something?

So our evening
is off to a wonderful start.

♪ There's a girl in the village
With one very small foot. ♪

Mrs. Nandor the
Relentless has joined us,

and she fits right in.
Everybody!

She looks very like a girl
from my village

called Celina,

but she's just wearing
much less pig skin.

You can do it.

Go me. Go me.

Sometimes you just
gotta cool out with your ladies,

have a proper female fuck-about.

Nearly ready. Voilà.

Dang it.

Bienvenidos. Pasen. Gracias.

Adelante.

Thank you for inv...

Oh, no se preocupen
de las cámaras,

este, los contraté
para que grab a ran el...

el cumpleaños de la abuela.

- Feliz cumpleaños.
- Muchacho, ay.

Ay, mi hijo.
Siempre tan consider a do.

Las chamarras, quítensela.
Quítensela. Aquí es su casa.

- Look, he's like the butler.
- I am not the butler.

I told them that you guys are
here making a video montage

for her birthday, so I guess
that's what we're doing now.

It looks like Tarzan lives here.

Oh, it's just eco-friendly.

Is your Versace blouse
eco-friendly?

- It's real Versace.
- You know, they make that

- in menswear too, right?
- Yeah. Ha, ha, ha.

Okay, why don't we go upstairs?

Pasen, pasen, pasen.

Oh, careful, there.
I... It's messy.

There's thorns here,
so be careful.

Hi.

- Más basura.
- Aquí estamos.

Ta-da.

Está lindo, mama, ¿verdad?

Bueno, bienvenidos.

Mira estos platos, qué lujosos.

She's really impressed.

¿Te dieron una promoción
en el Panera o qué?

No, no, no, mamá.
Trabaja en el ferrocarril,

¿recuerdas?

Oh, you're
still at the railroad.

You're working at the railroad?

Yeah, I work at the railroad.

What happened to
the Panera Bread?

Speaking of bread,
do you want some?

- Oh, I got a promotion.
- That's right.

You got a promotion?

- Yeah.
- How does a fool

get a promotion from
a Panera Bread to a railroad?

- How does that happen?
- It was a...

- It was at a train station.
- A train station?

The Panera Bread was
at the train station.

- What train station?
- Penn Station.

Nah, nah, nah. Sabes que, homie.

There ain't no Panera Bread
at Penn Station.

It was a pop-up.

Pop-up shop.

Wow.

Slower, don't pull!

Ooh, ooh! I have an idea.

- What?
- Let's watch Mamma Mia!

Uh, yes.

Mamma Mia
is my favorite, favorite

film to watch when
I am missing my homeland,

but Laszlo never
lets me watch it. He says...

"My darling,
I can't watch that.

"It reminds me
of all the bastard children

I fathered when I was a human."

Then the other two guys,

they hear this screech
in the woods.

And they hightail it
out of there,

but they never found
the third guy...

...because you know who got him?

The Jersey Devil.

- The Jersey Devil.
- Uh-huh.

Hey, Mr. Rinaldi,

- guess what?
- What?

I don't believe
the Jersey Devil is even real.

All righty, then.

I guess is not my fault
if he comes and eats you.

Okay, well, if he's so real,
then what does he look like?

He's got dragon wings,

and a half-goat horse face

with a chinstrap beard
like an Amish.

And he's got hooves and horns,

and two low-hanging balls

with a button cock on top.

Fantastic.

And he creeps through
the Pine Barrens,

looking for little kids
who don't believe in him.

And he goes, "clomp, clomp,

clomp!"

Uh... Everyone all right?

I got to fix the safety
on that one, huh?

No, the Jersey Devil
is not real.

It is just a myth
that vampires made up

to explain all the dead bodies
that we leave in the woods.

Sean may be my best friend,
but like all humans,

he doesn't realize
when he's been fucking had.

Sean is your best friend?

Yes. Why?

No reason.

Here's to spending
the weekend with you, Sean.

I'll drink to that.

Yes, cheers.

There's just something special
about "guy time," you know?

- Hear, hear.
- Yes.

Sean, time to go beddy bye.

- Whatever.
- Here we go.

I got a deer.

Mind your head.

- Ooh, that hurt.
- What are you doing?

This is seriously

the funnest level
I've ever done on Roblox.

Is it as cool as this?

Careful, Laszlo.

Take it from a soldier:

That thing is a weapon,
not a toy.

The last time you saw battle

it was just swords
and wooden clubs.

I'd hardly call you
an authority.

♪ Oh, when
you're near me, darling ♪

♪ Can you hear me ♪

♪ S. O. S. ♪

♪ And the love you gave me... ♪

Ah.
This dynamo needs a top-up.

So, uh, I'm gonna go
and get one. Anyone else?

- No, I'm good.
- Nah.

Do you want me
to pause it or...?

Oh, no, don't worry.
I'll only be a moment.

♪ The love you gave me ♪

♪ Nothing else can save me ♪

♪ S. O. S... ♪

Oh. Hello.

- Whose this, Guillermo?
- The maid.

I'm Nadja of Antipaxos.

I'm rich now, so I have...

I have a maid.

¿Es tu novia, no?

Sí, sí, es que...

Girlfriend? Since when?

Yeah. I did say
Nadja was my girlfriend.

The lies just pile up
on top of each other, you know?

Over the years, you just
can't keep track.

Isn't that right, Nadja?
You're both

my girlfriend and...

- ...my maid.
- Wow.

It all started, actually,
when my mom was trying

to set me up with
her church friend's niece

and just to get her off my back,

I said I was dating Nadja.

Please don't tell Laszlo.

Es como Daphne y Niles.

Daphne wasn't the maid.

She was Frasier's dad's
physical therapist.

Right?

Nadja, acompáñanos, ¿sí?

- Join us.
- Uh...

Por favor.

Okay. Lovely.

Guillermo, your
girlfriend was here this whole time,

and you didn't invite her
to eat with your family?

Yes, Guillermo can be a little
bit of a big rotten shit bag.

- ¿Te llamó shit bag?
- Yeah.

One of my many sweet little
cheeky pet names for him.

My boyfriend and...

- ...boss.
- Guillermo,

¿me puedes enseñar
dónde está el baño?

Sí, claro, abuelita.

Nadja, hola.

I am his mom.

- Bienvenidos.
- Sí.

Oh, sí, claro.

I mean, I guess
I never thought of it before,

but, yeah, it makes sense.

If I have Van Helsing DNA,

then so would my grandma
and the rest of my family.

Which makes it

not-a-so good.

Los goosebumps.

I haven't a clue who this

Gena Lee Nolin is, but...

I wouldn't mind that
in my lunch box.

I have a question, Laszlo.

What did you mean
by what you said before?

- What did I say before?
- About the pistol.

You said I was hardly
an authority.

Well, exactly that.

You haven't seen any action
in nigh on a millennium.

Probably more accurate
to call you a former soldier

than a real soldier,
wouldn't you say?

I am and always will be
Nandor the Relentless.

I suppose I should not
expect you to understand

what it means to be a soldier.

Were you not kicked out of your
Rifle Corps, your fancy-pants

college for wealthy lads?

I think you're
referring to Eton,

and I told you that
in confidence.

Surprise, surprise.

The talk suddenly
turns to Laszlo

and he's put
his sticky mag down.

I was listening to everything.

It's just the same old,
shrill tune.

Sounds like someone's

a little jealous he's not
the number one guy in the house.

Says the guy who left
the house to "find himself"

and come back
with his tail between his legs.

That was an important step
in my personal journey.

And a good thing I did come back

since the house went to
piss-filled shit on your watch.

You remember to watch your
language in front of my boy.

Piss-filled shit house!

Did you get that?

- Yep.
- I shouldn't be surprised.

All you ever do is lay about
or tinkle on your piano

or have sex with Nadja

wherever and whenever
you please!

How is that an insult?

Sounds to me like life goals
achieved, me old fruit.

You take and
you take and you take.

You took the seat
in the Honda Element

that wasn't behind Sean's seat
in the Honda Element,

even though you know

that Sean likes his seat
in the Honda Element

pushed right far back,

and I have the longer legs!

Did you just
cock your weapon at me?

I took that seat so I would have
a diagonal vantage point

to talk to my friend Sean
fluidly.

I should've known.

All the way back when we first
moved into the mansion

and you had first pick
of the bedchambers,

even though we all agreed
that I would have first pick!

Now you're being absurd.

What the fuck's that?

"Whereas we
three vampires do agree

"upon the following order
for the selection of bedchambers

"on our new home

on the rocky shores
of Staten Island."

"First pick,
Nandor the Relentless."

Well, suck on this. "Amendment:
In the absence of all

"household vampires
at the appointed time

"of bedchamber selection,

"a quorum of two-thirds present

may... pro... ceed."

Unbelievable.

You can't even stand to lose
an argument, can you?

You know what you are?

You are what my best friend Sean

might describe
as a proper jabroni.

Shit.

I am not a jabroni.

- You are jabroni!
- Jabroni.

- Jabroni.
- Jabroni.

- Jabroni.
- Jabroni.

Jabroni.

Ahh! Shit!

Shit, you shot me
in the fucking hand.

- Well, you would...
- Ow!

What the hell
is going on in here?

I heard shots.

No, you didn't.

- Where's the kid?
- He was right there.

- Door's open.
- It's... Aw, shit.

Oh, shit.

So you actually enjoy
to eat a bowl of fungus.

- Voluntarily?
- All kinds of fungus.

I'm not a "fun-guy."

At first, I had no interest

in pretending to be whoever
this Daphne person is,

but I am loving Gizmo's family.

You're so lovely and nice,
compared to...

Oh, here he is,
my rotten little shit bag.

Come here.

I cannot believe that
such a group of fresh, dazzling

moonbeams are related
to such a gray dud.

Do all of you have a very bad
visions like Guillermo?

'Cause I have heard
that the broken eyes

can run in the families.

No, no, no. I used to,
but then I got

the laser treatment,
you know, that...

The Lasik.

Lay-kips?

- No. Lasik.
- Lipschitz.

Lasik!

Ay, Dios San to. Cálmate.

- That's what I said.
- Sorry. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to yell
all like that.

I don't know what came over me.
I just... you know. It's Lasik.

- People know about this shit.
- Uh... So, anyway,

in my family we don't
have the broken eyes,

but all of the men have one arm

quite a bit shorter
than the other arm.

Fuck, is it getting
hot in here? Or is it just me?

Miguel, will you let her
tell her fucking story?

- Oh, oh.
- Má.

Please, go on.
Please, please.

And so where-where was I?

So the neighbors

would shout at all the men,

"Make your arms
the same length!"

I'm fucking, like
about to catch on fire

or some shit.

Something's fucking wrong, Memo.

Eres un monstruo
y debes de morir.

What the fuck?!

Demonio maldito chupa sangre,

aléjate de mi nieto.

Abuelita, abuelita.

Fucking hell!

Abuelita, abuelita.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Why is there so much fucking
sharp wood in this house?!

Nadja, I really have
to tell you something about my family!

Yes, Guillermo,
I've put it together,

- you bloody moron.
- ¡Mami, no!

Oh, my God, we're here
for a wedding...

I think it's Pierce Brosnan.

He has to be the papa, no?

- Obviously.
- I hope he is,

but I worry
there will be a twist.

How long is this movie?

Nadja!

You come into my house?

Do you have any idea who
the fuck you are messing with?

Never mind.

Don't hurt her!

¡Demonio!

No. No, no.

Stop, stop, stop, stop,
don't hurt her!

No, Mami. No, no, no!

Guillermo, Ella es un monstruo,
peligroso, malvado.

Yes, I know, I know, okay?
I know she's a vampire.

I've always known.
Nadja lives in this house.

Okay? And so do
another group of vampires.

And I don't work at the railroad.

I work for them.

I work for
the vampires who live here

because I hope to become
a vampire myself one day.

And Nadja
is not my girlfriend...

...because I'm gay.

Aw.

- Mijo.
- Wait.

You want to be a vampire?

Hey!

Being a vampire is very cool.

We don't give a shit
about you being gay.

We've known that forever,
I mean...

- Yeah, we knew that.
- Una madre sabe.

- Una madre sabe.
- Really? Everyone knew?

- Come on, Mo.
- ¿Todos?

Familia es familia, homie.

I was so worried because I...

- We love you.
- Oh, mami, gracias.

Oh, gracias.

- No, wait, she's gonna try to kill you.
- Ay!

Come out, Baby Colin Robinson.

- Nandor.
- Oh, Baby Colin Robinson!

Nandor, look, I-I didn't mean
to hurt you. I...

You shot me.

See?

No, I shot at you, it's true.

But you've been a fucking pill
this whole trip,

and for no good reason.

Maybe I did have a reason,

which was...

I was a little upset

thinking about "guy time,"

how we don't have it so much,
you and I.

We used to.
Now you're always

clinking beers with Sean

or rehearsing songs
with the Baby Colin Robinson.

We never hang anymore.

Bro, I'm not very comfortable

with emotional flamboyance,
as well you know.

I'll be brief.

My feelings aren't
too dissimilar to your own.

I've missed us.

All right.

Baby Colin!

- Boy!
- Baby.

Hey, guys.

What have I told you about
running off, you little prick?

I heard something weird outside,

but you were too busy fighting
about jabronis and...

- Help!
- Sean?

- Shit.
- Quickly.

Oh, boy.

- Over there.
- Jeepers.

- The fuck is that shit?
- Kill me!

The Jersey Devil, fucking hell.

He's real?
Look at the size of his balls.

Where's my magic flute?

I hid it in the car
'cause it was annoying me.

Kill me and get it over with!

Shoo. Go away.

Yes, it's working.

He's falling under your spell.

Yes.

Whoa-whoa-whoa, whoa.

Oh, shit.

- I'm gonna get my shotty.
- Nandor...

I've been double crossed
by the devil.

Hey, fuckhead, that's
my friend you've got there,

you let him go!

Hey!

- Lights out!
- Aah!

- Kick him in the dick.
- Oh, yes.

- He's on me!
- He's not going down.

Oh, shit.

Hey, Siri,
play some New Jersey music.

Get your hands off my ass.

This isn't
what I want to be doing.

Grab his balls, man.

- I've got them, I've got them!
- No, that's me.

Fucking hell.

♪ Tommy used to work
on the docks ♪

♪ Union's been on strike ♪

Hold on, I'll skip
to the good part.

♪ We're halfway there ♪

♪ Whoa-oh ♪

- ♪ Livin' on a prayer ♪
- Yeah.

- ♪ Take my hand... ♪
- Get him, Lazzo.

- ♪ We'll make it, I swear ♪
- Human form!

♪ Whoa-oh... ♪

Kill him, get his button cock.

It's working, I'm draining him.

I'm draining him, too.

Hey, I found the rifle!

Fucking Jersey.

Okay, can we go home now?

Prepare to die, you vile

- vampire...
- No, Nadja, no, don't, please.

Okay? I didn't know you
were even here,

- and I tried to warn you...
- Shut up, Guillermo.

I am about to drink

the blood of your entire family

of vampire-killing evil verm...

No, no, stop, okay? Please.

I'm begging you.
Just hypnotize them, okay?

Hypnotize them
so they forget everything.

Like it or not,
they're my family.

Just... just like
you're my family, Nadja.

I so rarely care
what Guillermo thinks

or feels or says or does,

but I know what it is like

to watch your entire family
die in front of you.

And it's not great.

I watched my Uncle Andreas get
crushed to death by a donkey,

and the donkey was his wife.

And then she, the donkey,
died of alcoholism.

And now I have had no real
family for hundreds of years.

Also, if Guillermo
doesn't have a family,

is he going to start
calling me "mami"?

Bad enough his relationship
with Nandor, so, no, thank you.

Okay, fine!

- But on one condition.
- Anything.

Keep Nandor, Laszlo,
and the small Colin creature

away from the house
at least one night a month

so I can have it to myself.

And...

obtain for me a copy of...

Here We Go Again.

I'm just super glad
that everything worked out.

And that my family is safe.

And that they were hypnotized
and now the house will be safe.

Most importantly,
I'm just glad that

they finally know
the truth about me.

Well, besides the bit about you
working at the railroad.

Okay, yeah.

And the giant bit

about you being desperate
to be a vampire.

Okay, yeah, but Nadja made sure

that they remember
the part about me...

telling them that I'm gay, so...

I mean,

who isn't gay?

A lot of people.

Oh, okay.

I'll get the trumpets out.
Sorry.

Shade.

After we vanquished
the Jersey Devil, we drove home

- before sunrise.
- No, I drove.

We hypnotized Sean, but
I'm worried that we fucked him.

- Oh, you can make a pizza tree?
- Uh-huh.

I just made ten Robux.
What's the street value to that?

But we did
manage to bring home a little

souvenir from our weekend.

What the fuck is that?

"Devil's Gotta Dance"
by Bryan Paul Bell playing...

♪ The devil's got to dance ♪

♪ The devil's got
to dance ♪

♪ The devil's got to dance,
the devil's got to dance ♪

♪ Just let the preacher know
I did due diligence ♪

♪ But the saints
don't stand a chance ♪

♪ If the devil's got to dance ♪

♪ The devil's got to dance,
the devil's got to dance ♪

♪ The devil's got to dance,
the devil's got to dance. ♪