What We Do in the Shadows (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Colin's Promotion - full transcript

Colin, can I get you a lozenge
or something?

No, thank you.

Colin, Laura would like a word
with you in her office.

Laura?

I think what's happened is,

they finally figured out that

I don't even know
what the hell this company does.

Just watch,

I'm gonna be
as cool as a cucumber.

Hello, Laura.

I have been assessing
your work...



No. No.

You cannot do that.

It turned out to be
the exact opposite

of what I was thinking.

They actually decided
to give me a damn promotion.

This is not good.

It's mainly about my friends,

uh, Nandor, Laszlo, and Nadja.

I don't want to do anything that
takes away from my roomie time.

It's like the old adage,
you know?

Coworkers die.

Vampire roommates,

they're forever.

♪♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪♪



♪♪ They have no use
for your song ♪♪

♪♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪♪

♪♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪♪

♪♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪♪

♪♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪♪

♪♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪♪

♪♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪♪

So, we have decided
to rotate our artworks.

This was part of a bigger thing
called the Guernica.

I just cut off the bit
that has got me in it.

But even the ones I did like,

I've been looking at them
for 200 years,

so I hate them now.

Pablo Picasso.
More like Pablo Pic-asshole.

Ah! That's my first ship.

It was a piece of shit.

Recognize this?

It's my vulva.

It certainly is.

Nandor!
Who said you could look?

Well, stop pointing it
at me, then.

Laszlo, remember this one?

It's the portrait
in which you claimed

to have invented
the portrait bomb.

I did invent the portrait bomb.

Here I am, behind the dead chap,

two fingers in the air,

doing the rabbit.

I had to sit there
for about seven hours.

And they still do it now.
Why? Because it's hilarious.

- No, I hate it...
- My roomies.

I like it.

We're not putting the goat up!

- I hate it!
- Hey, hey. What's up?

- Dilly dilly.
- Oh.

Colin Robinson,
this does not concern you.

So please retreat
to your underground bedroom.

- Thank you.
- Oh, you guys are rearranging the paintings, huh?

Well, I'm pretty good
with squares

and finding the ideal spots
on walls,

so if you need my help...

No, we don't need your help,
Colin Robinson.

Mm, okay.

Uh, speaking of news,

I got a big promotion today
at work.

But, uh, I'm not sure
if I'm gonna take it.

It would definitely cut
into our roomie time...

Colin Robinson, however you
are trying to drain us,

just stop it!

Yes, Colin,
please leave us to our sorting.

And you can take
your self-portrait with you.

But... it's of all of us.

I made it on the Texas
Instrument Paint Pro.

One of the hard things

about being an energy vampire
is that,

even when you're being sincere

and maybe looking
for some reassurance

or-or support,

people think you're trying
to drain their life force.

I wish people would understand
that I don't live to drain.

I-I drain to live.

It is draining for them, though.

Well, I'm the boss.

I have an assistant.

Joanna.

Hello, Joanna.

Hi, Mr. Robinson.

Colin Robinson.

Can you make me a copy, please?

Sure. Um, of what, sir?

Um...

Uh, that.

I'm watching you.

Do more work.

I have to admit,
I'm quite nervous

about being the boss.

That said, I finally figured out
what the company does.

It's playground design
and marketing.

Or land mine design
and manufacturing.

It's... one of those.

I have to give
my first presentation.

Human. Human, human.

Hello!

Even though
there's been a slight uptick,

we have maintained

a plat...

Okay. Well, uh,

I guess the projector decided
to take a bit of a coffee break.

Ah! Ah! We're back!

I'm ready for my close-up.

All right!

Did you see that?

They were listening to me,
because I'm the boss.

They had to listen.

This whole boss thing

might work out.

But the main thing
is that we all give 100%,

except when it comes
to donating blood.

It's entirely possible

that what rappers are saying
is true.

I mean, being boss is dope.

So, this is
all just kind of a precursor

to the larger slideshow
that I'm about to start.

I feel like I have the power
of a thousand cowboys

running through my veins
right now.

Hey, Eric, uh...

Don't sit on that.

Dominic and Dan were sitting
on it already and broke it.

I was worried being
the boss would take me away

from my roomies too much, but
they treat me as an inferior.

At work, I'm a superior.

Hi, Dan. Turn to your left.

Drain on demand.

Dan, I've called you in
for an impromptu

- performance review.
- Wh-Why?

If you were a tree,
what type of tree would you be?

Uh, I don't know. A maple.

Okay, that's interesting.

I want you to go back
to your cubicle and type up

a 2,000-word essay on why
you chose to become a maple.

Arnie, stop talking to Joanna.

She's myassistant.

Tyler, hey.
Colin Robinson, your boss.

Get in here.

That's right, Guillermo.
Careful with my nudie.

Whoa! What are you
doing with your hand?

- How dare you?!
- Whoa.

Get your hand off my wife's
ample but firm backside.

Thank you, darling.

Right, but are you
at the office, or...?

How far away
from the office are you?

- I know you're not at the office.
- Hello, Colin Robinson.

How was your first day
being the big boss?

Like you give a shit.

How far from the office are you?

What is going on
with Colin Robinson?

He has never missed
an opportunity

to tell us
how boring his day was.

He's a wild card, that one.

What are you talking about?
He's not a wild card.

He's the card you get
on the top of the deck

that has the instructions on it,
so you throw it away.

- Uh, can you get to the office?
- Colin Robinson,

would you like to help pick
a painting to put up?

There's still a bit of space.

Hold. Uh, no.

I have calls to roll?

But I've always been partial
to this one.

- What?
- Whoa.

- How's he doing that?
- Can you get to the office?

What a beautiful landscape.

Why have I never seen
this painting before?

Who knows? It doesn't go
with this room, anyway.

We should get rid of it.

Donate it to an orphanage
or something, Guillermo.

It looks just like the village
I grew up in, and it's on fire.

- It...
- Let me have a closer look.

I've heard of this invasion
in stories.

Centuries before I was born,

it is said that my village

was a very special place.

They say
that the water was like honey.

Even the urine...
It was like rose water

that you could drink,
and when you'd drink it,

it'd make you want to dance.

Very special place.
And then it was

destroyed by a terrible army.

They spared
only the softest brains

and the stupidest bodies in the
village, and their offspring

were all wrong.

We will never forget
that battle.

It was very windy that day,
and the leader of the army...

He was on a high cliff face,

and he went,
"You will never forget my name.

It is..."

We didn't get the name,

but I know now.

It is Nandor the Relentless,
my pig shit housemate!

All this time,
and you never said anything.

Lives were ruined!
All the men in my village

are three-foot-two
because of the malnourishment!

When he goes there,
he's a bloody giant! So much

destruction and misery at my own
vampire housemate's hands!

You coward!

We don't know that
that is your exact village.

That is my village flag on fire
in the painting!

Well...

the pillaging could've been done
by anyone.

We cannot go jumping to
conclusions that I am to blame.

He is right, my darling. We've
got no evidence that it was him.

Then what the fuck is Persian
Frank Zappa doing on a horse?!

Yeah, that's him.

There were so many villages.

So many pillages. I didn't...

What's that?
Guillermo, stop her!

It begins.

Nandor, I will kill you!

I will absolutely kill you!

I will rip out
every hair of your body!

I swear I am going
to rip that man into shreds

and make a dress out of it.

- Laszlo, let me go!
- No, my darling.

- You need to calm down.
- You're feeling murderous.

And go to his family's house
and say, "Do you like this?"

This is your son,
and I'm wearing him as a dress!"

- Laszlo, let me go!
- Guillermo, human shield.

- You must calm down.
- Thought we talked about this.

You are supposed to support me
when I want to kill someone!

- Not in this instance, my darling.
- Yeah, thank you.

Let go, Laszlo!

- Hello? Is anybody there?
- Hi, yeah. It-It's Beth.

- And Sarah.
- We're calling from the...

Colin Robinson here,
Staten Island branch.

- Hello?
- Did someone just join?

I-I heard a beep.
Did we all hear the beep?

Yeah, this is Phil and Paul
at the Hoboken branch. We're...

We all heard the beep on our end
if anyone's there.

- Yeah, we're here, Colin.
- Yup, we're here.

Oh, great, you guys, you're on.
Okay.

Okay, let me just dive
right in. For the...

Staten Island branch.
Can you hear me?

- We're here, Colin.
- Okay, great. Go ahead.

Uh, yeah, for the

Sigourney/Otis project,
we got...

How was everyone's weekends?

It's like the more I feed,
the more I need.

I've never felt
so alive in my life.

I'm changing.

I'm becoming something new,
something stronger.

I don't even need to talk
someone's ear off anymore

to drain them.

I can drain them
with a single phrase.

TGIF.

It's 5:00 somewhere.

Dan...

Working hard or hardly working?

What's up...?!

And I grow more powerful
by the second.

So, what I'm hearing Nandor say
is that he's sorry.

Right, Master?

Well... mm.

How can you not apologize?

The tears of my childhood

watered the garden of your own
pompous, selfish legend...

Nadja's very angry at me
for destroying her village.

But it's, like,

calm down, Nadja.

We did those things
200 years before you were born.

I barely remember what
happened, it was so long ago.

Also, I was very drunk.

It was just 200 guys
having some fun.

Okay. You're right.

- I'm sorry for doing my job.
- Oh, coward!

The issue here is that I'm an
invader, and I was invading.

Say something to him!

It's-it's him.
It's Colin Robinson.

He's making you turn
on each other,

and he's feeding off of it.

I think Gizmo might be
onto something.

His hair's grown,
and he's draining us.

He's not only draining us.
This is a mega-drain.

Although I still have
the best hair in the world.

How can you say
you have the best hair?

Look at my hair.

I forgot something in my room.

Your hair looks like a dog.

- You have no layers...
- Oh, and, yeah, I can fly now.

I don't see any layers.

It's all layered, you prick.

Colin Robinson

has grown too powerful.

We no longer have enough energy
to feed.

Where's Laszlo?

Laszlo's behind you.

He's in death mode
so as to preserve energy.

Oh.

I hate to say this,
but it's an emergency,

so I'm going to say it.
Let's eat Guillermo.

Nadja is right.

It's the only way. Guillermo?

Guillermo, come over here
and put your neck in my mouth.

No, you have to get up and
do it, 'cause I can't get up.

Nadja, this is all your fault.

You were the one
that invited Colin Robinson

to come and live with us.

This is not my fault.
Laszlo invited him.

Not true.
He came with the house.

Look at us. We are pathetic.

Stop filming us like this!

C-Camera Two, come over here
and put your neck in my mouth.

Colin Robinson has recently

gained a huge,
horrifying amount of power.

He just has to walk into
the house, and we have no hope.

But we have a plan:
distract Colin Robinson

and destroy his office overlords

who granted him this power.

I need to get him
making some lists,

and then we can escape.

He loves lists.

Hello, Colin Robinson.

- Ugh.
- What do you want? I'm busy.

Um, where have you been? We've
missed you around the house.

Yeah, right. Like you care.

The only people that care are my
real friends, my work friends.

And they listen
because they have to.

Well, I would love to know
about your work friends.

What are all their names?

Well, there's Dan
and then Arnie.

And then there's Jamie,
who doesn't

actually work at the office.
Come back. I'm not done.

And then we have Diabetic Dave.

Ellie, who I call Phoebe
because it annoys her.

And then, of
course, you have Ben.

Another Ben,
and I call him Balsamic Ben,

because he's a fan
of Martin Balsam, the actor,

not because he likes
balsamic vinegar.

And... that bring us, then,
to HR...

What is the plan again?

Run away.

Why don't we... walk away?

I listened to him
for as long as I could,

but his power
is stronger than...

- What? What is it?
- Ew.

Nothing, my sweet darling.

- Your faces.
- Why don't you come

and sit next to me,

and we can expire together.

Come and join me here.
That's better.

Fuck it.

Well, since we're about to die,

I guess
I should confess something.

Remember when all those
vampires were being mur... Guillermo,

please save your confession
till once I am dead.

Yes, Master.

Hey, gang.

He can drink with just his mind?

Colin Robinson,
why are you doing this to us?

We are your only friends
in the world.

Why subject us to this hell?

Friends?
Do friends ignore their friends

when their friend tells them
about a big promotion that

they got at work, which they
were considering turning down

just so they could hang out more
with their friends?

Do friends accuse their friend
of draining them

when all their friend
wanted to do was hang out...

Guillermo, walk away.
Save yourself.

- Hey, hey, Guillermo.
- No.

- What's up, Guillermo?
- No.

- ♪♪ Hello... ♪♪
- ♪♪ Hello... ♪♪

♪♪ Hello... ♪♪

- What's this shit?
- Oh, no.

They're multipl...

Clearly,

I no longer need
friends like you anymore.

All I need is myself.

I'm my own best friend now.

The Colinator.

The C-Man.

Have mercy on us,
Colin Robinsons.

Mercy? That's rich.

Did you show me...
H-Hold on.

Actually, when you say "C-Man,"

it sounds kind of like "semen."

- It's short for Colin.
- I'll handle this.

Does it even matter?

I mean, it's cool.

- C-Man.
- Yeah, it matters, and, no,

- it's not cool.
- Okay, but why does it matter?

Maybe we need

to have a sidebar meeting?

I-I'll check my schedule, but...

- C-Man's schedule is wide open.
- Don't say "C-Man."

Uh, what would even be
on the agenda?

- Our names.
- But actually

I think the term
you're looking for

- is "nicknames."
- The Colins seem to be draining each other's energy.

- No, "moniker."
- Actually, I prefer "handle."

- "Sobriquet"?
- A-As in the French?

Meaning...

"Nicknames."

Oh, no.

They bored themselves to death.

- Mm, how sad.
- So be it.

Colin Robinson
multiplied himself by three

and then bored himself to death.

It's very sad.

We have a number of Colins
we have to bury

into the ground now.

It's okay, I've got your hand.

It's nice down there.

Very respectfully, Guillermo.

We have traveled here
tonight from our house

to our garden
to lay to rest Colin Robinson,

Colin Robinson, and... C-Man

next to this,
his favorite bit of the fence.

Loved this fence.

We saw him here
a couple of times.

Colin Robinson,
when you talked to me

about 19th century
naval battles,

I was genuinely interested.

I didn't let you know that,

'cause then you'd have stopped.

Maybe I didn't want you to stop.

Colin Robinson died
attempting to achieve power

and total domination
of his place of work.

Thank you, Nandor,
that is beautiful.

Sometimes after me and Laszlo
would have a lovers' quarrel,

Colin would stand hovering
at the door,

and I would say, "Shut up,"

and then he would actually often
be a very good mute listener.

We wanted to bury this
with you, Colin Robinson,

'cause you loved it
and we hated it.

Bury him with something he liked

and get rid
of something we don't.

♪♪ Yea, yea, yea, yea, yea... ♪♪

- Nicely done.
- Ha!

Fucking guy!

I tricked you. I'm alive.

I just wanted to hear my eulogy.

I knew you guys
actually liked me.

I admit it's a bit of a long way
to go, but it worked,

- so I'll take it.
- What about...

the other two?

Come on, guys.

Come on.

Oh, I guess they're...
they're dead.

- Very good.
- I think it's time we celebrate.

- Guillermo.
- These are the enjoyable moments.

Get digging.

I'm making sure they're dead.

Hello.

Hi. Colin Robinson.

New guy.

The last place

I worked at is now
in financial ruin.

People were so drained
that nothing was getting done.

Which is why I'm here,
to find a new place to work.

New guy alert.
New guy alert.

Quite the drip going on
over here.

The "swamp people,"
I'll call you.

I haven't

officially been hired.

Just trying to locate
my cubicle.

I can't find it anywhere.

Guess we're gonna be cellmates.

Hopefully it won't be
too much like prison.

Hey, are you a fan
of conservative AM radio?

I'll find a cubicle that's empty

and imbed myself

for the next couple years.

Like a parasitic wasp
amongst all

the congenital moron
worker bees.

♪♪ Over... ♪♪

♪♪ Portugal and Spain ♪♪

♪♪ But in my heart
it's you, dear... ♪♪

My husband Laszlo has
dedicated his artistic skills

to touch up the painting
and make it in a way

that will make us both happy.

- You fixed the clock tower!
- Yes.

And there you are, my darling,
on a hay bale.

- With my boobs out.
- Mm-hmm.

- What have you done here?
- I painted you out,

put me in.

And there I am,
galloping towards my wife,

who I will make love to.

And where am I?

You're in there.
Bad luck, old chap.

- Pretty rude.
- Well, it was pretty rude of you

to burn down
my family's village.

♪♪ Remain ♪♪

♪♪ My, my angel ♪♪

♪♪ Now and every day ♪♪

♪♪ It's you alone ♪♪

♪♪ I'll adore ♪♪

♪♪ Now I'm home ♪♪

♪♪ No more will I roam ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, yes ♪♪

♪♪ I'm here to stay. ♪♪