What We Do in the Shadows (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Curse - full transcript
While the vampires fear they've been electronically cursed, Guillermo tries to thwart a deadly threat to his masters.
Did you call
the speaker of the house
a four-letter word?
- No.
- Are you sure?
Yes, I'm sure. "Ass" is
a three-letter word.
Here we are.
I keep all of my correspondences
from the past seven and a half
centuries in this box.
I used to get so many letters.
Who's it gonna be?
From my mom and dad
when I was away training with
the Al Quolanudarian forces.
"Dear Nandor,
we hope that the rocks there
are not too hard."
At training camp,
we would use rocks as pillows.
And blankets.
This one is a letter
from the leader of an army
that we defeated
with particular brutality.
Tens of thousands
were slaughtered.
I guess I never had
a chance to open it.
"I resign myself to surrender.
I plead for a road to peace."
Oops.
Oh, this one is good.
An anonymous friend
sent me a token
for a free scoop
at Baskin and Robbins.
I can't eat ice cream,
but it meant a lot.
I have asked Guillermo
to bring me
his computing machine
so I can see if I have
receivedany electronic letters
- in the past decade.
- GUILLERMO: Okay.
- All right.
- Ah, yes.
GUILLERMO:
Connect this...
All right, there you go.
It's connected
to this Ethernet cable.
Yes, I know how
the ether works, Guillermo.
- No, Ethernet.
- Give me this.
Okay. Well, if that's it,
I'm gonna head out, 'cause Ihave
a couple of errands to run.
- Okay, then, bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
Oh, uh, I got some blood
on my fancy collar,
so if could you get me
one of those...
- Tide to go pens?
- Soapy pens
- you can use on clothing.
- Tide to go pens.
The Tide pen.
- The "to go" variety.
- To go.
There's money in the dish
on the table in my room.
The money dish.
Uh, it's gone black.
No, no, it's just asleep.
Arise. Arise!
What is "arise," again?
Control-alt-seven?
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪
♪ They have no use
for your song ♪
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪
♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪
♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪
CLAUDE:
What if it's a little
old lady vampire?
-KIDS: Kill.
-What if it's a little
baby vampire?
- KIDS: Kill.
- Oh, look here.
Guillermo, you ready
to slay some Suckers?
Uh... I brought
some wooden stakes
-that I had at home
so we can practice...
-TONYA: Nice.
- Slaying some Suckers.
- CLAUDE: Right on.
GUILLERMO:
I've decided
to infiltrate the group
and sabotage
whatever plans they have.
'Cause I would never forgive
myself if something happened
to Nandor, Nadja or Laszlo.
But I don't think I have to be
worried too much with this...
CLAUDE:
Stab it, stab it like this!
Gotta kill it.
Glad you brought
your camera crew, too.
Helps get the word out.
For too long, these
vampires have gotten away
with treating humans
like either dinner or dirt.
You know, every relationship
has its ebbs and flows.
Ooh! I'm feeling good.
- DEREK: Yeah. Yes.
- You feeling good?
-I feel good.
-Hell yeah.
-Yeah.
You guys are pumped
for training.
CLAUDE: Training? Nah. Training's over.
- What-what's going on?
- Our first official hunt.
I'm sorry, what?
Oh, uh... No, I thought
we were just going to,
- uh, practice today...
- No, no, no.
We finally have a real target.
Shanice, fill him in.
You know my roommate
who was turned into a vampire?
Well, I think I figured out
where the ones
who turned her live.
It's a house right here
in Staten Island.
It's a very
spooky-looking place.
No one goes in or out
during the day.
No cars are parked out front.
And there a lot of bats.
Plus, there are
these very strange
tr... tr... tenopinaries.
Tipperaries?
- Chilip... Tilopirar...
- Topiary.
These hedges
out in the front yard.
Do, uh, any of these hedges
look like...
vaginas?
My man.
SHANICE:
I mean, I guess
some of them
are of the adult nature.
I think I know what house
you're talking about.
They're normal human beings.
They're not vampires.
They're, like, teachers
or social workers, actually.
- We are going there tonight.
- Yes!
No! We shouldn't go tonight.
This is my second meeting.
I thought we were gonna just...
Ha... practice.
I could go another round
at that crossbow.
And I know that Derek
mentioned something.
You could go
another round, right?
- No, I'm good.
- I'm pretty sure you said it.
No, we've never
talked outside of this.
Okay, well, he doesn't remember.
- Gear up. Let's ride.
- Yes.
TONYA:
All right, guys.
We have enough for, like,
two holy waters per person.
Breathing exercises.
I like it, Guillermo.
I'm going to check my Hotmail.
Password?
Uh... What is my password?
A secure, alphanumeric one,
I hope.
People think that just varying
the case and adding a number
is enough to keep
would-be hackers at bay,
but the truth is,
that's just the floor,
not the ceiling.
I have a very secure password,
okay, Colin Robinson?
My password
is an impenetrable fortress.
That's it.
"Impenetrable fortress."
I have two e-mail messages.
"of The Blind Side
and you are invited.
The screening
is October the 8th, 2009."
- I...
- Too late.
- I missed it.
- : Sandy Bullock.
She was absolutely
delightful in it.
She dazzled.
I mean, you've seen Speed,
Miss Congeniality, Speed 2,
Miss Congeniality 2,
-and Practical Magic.
Well, that, that's just rude.
Next message.
"This is not a joke.
"You are now cursed.
"Forward this message
to ten people
"and unforeseen riches
will be yours.
"If you don't,
you will be killed.
"Bloody Mary knows who you are
and where you live.
"She will find you and hang
your corpse for all to see.
"You have
until sunrise tomorrow.
"No send-backs.
This is not a joke."
Nadja!
Laszlo!
"Warning. If you've read
this far, it's too late."
You stupid bloody donkey.
-Why did you let me
read this far?
-Well...
Says here some girl called
Arianna disobeyed Bloody Mary,
and now she's dead.
They ripped her guts out
-and dropped them on the front
doorstep of her parents.
-Oh!
I'd say we're fucked.
This light box has cursed us.
Do you think it could maybe
be something
from the neighborhood imp,
having a cheeky little joke?
This is not a joke.
It says it in many places.
Here, here, and here.
Don't look, my sweet darling.
It's too dangerous.
Curses are very common
- and very serious.
- Yes, this is true.
When I was younger,
I saw so many
horrible curses going around.
There was a man
who was just in the market,
and he didn't pay the fair
price for the meat of a goat,
then, poof, you know, his
bollocks are shriveled into
two tiny little raisins.
The man's bollocks.
Not the goat's.
Oh, yeah. No, sorry.
I thought that was clear.
-No, it wasn't.
-Curses really hit you
where it hurts.
-Mm-hmm.
Well, I definitely,
uh, succeeded
with the infiltrating part
of the plan,
but I'm having a little
troublewith the sabotage
in that we're about to drive
a van full of vampire-killing
weapons to the house.
I just need to pretend I'm one
of them. Just, just pretend...
Guillermo!
We gotta move.
Derek's mom needs the van back
first thing tomorrow morning.
- Let's ride.
- Yeah.
Why did you even open
this thin machine?!
I was just checking
my e-mails.
I didn't know it would be
full of curses.
All right, calm down.
All we need to do issend
that to ten friends or foes
by sunrise, and the curse
will be lifted.
Where are we going to get
the e-mail addresses,
the "e-mail address shop"?!
No, I'm guessing that'll be
closed this time of night.
I do have the e-mail address
for a Count Fandango.
Well done, Nandor.
Send it to him.
One step forward
to unforeseen fortunes.
One step away from getting
our guts ripped out.
What do you say?
-How dare you do that?
You want to end up like Arianna?
- Fine.
- Hold your bleedin' horses.
Some chap's left
his calling card.
A "Timothy,"
at Circuit City stores.
"Happy to help," he says.
It also has his phone number...
-and e-mail address.
- Looks like Timothy's
going to be getting
- a curse in the electronic
post.-NANDOR: Yeah!
Hi, Timmy!
CLAUDE: Watch out, mosquitoes!
You know, maybe we couldkeep
it down a little bit, huh?
It's actually hard to focus
on, uh, on vampire killing
when it's so loud, you know?
-Thank you.
I feel hot and sweaty.
I can't stop shaking
since I got here.
-CLAUDE: You say something,
Guillermo?
-Uh, no.
I was just saying
that, uh, maybe
we're getting a late start,
you know.
We should probably be doing this
tomorrow, during the day.
My mom needs the van tomorrow.
- She's catering a quinceañera.
- Cool, cool, cool.
That explains the boxes
of, uh, shrimp...
Yeah, man, knock yourself out,
you know.
Okay, yeah, let me...
let me take a look at...
This is bad. This is bad.
-Laszlo. Laszlo...
- Whoa! What clarion call
is that?
The clagging chimes of doom?
-Shh. Where is it coming from?
This way.
-NANDOR: I will answer it.
LASZLO:
No, you won't.
If that curse can travel
through the Internet,
it'll sure as shit travel
through that telephone.
GUILLERMO:
We're not in right now,
but if you'd like to leave
a message for Nandor,
- Nadja or Laszlo,
- COLIN: And Colin Robinson!
-please do so at the tone.
: You need to getout of
the house right now.
You need to get out
or you're gonna die.
-Get out now!
You're gonna die.
This is not a joke.
-Shit.
How did Bloody Mary get
our bloody phone number?!
Her power knows no bounds.
Did I tell you about the time
when Arianna's guts were
ripped out of...
- Yes, we just read the e-mail!
- Yeah.
We need more addresses.
LASZLO:
Well, then, you need
to make one up.
It is very hard to come up
with names
when everyone is shouting.
What is a good name?
I know one we could try.
Bloody fucking Mary!
That little piss snake
thinks she can send
a curse to us?
Well, let's see how she likes
itwhen I send an e-mail to
-Did she reply?
No. It is from "mailer-daemon."
ALL:
Demon!
- Knock, knock, knock,
knock, knocking.
Oh. Hey, guys.
Come on in.
- No, that's fine.
- Right.
Oh, hello, Colin Robinson.
We were just sat around
thinking do you know what
would be the best thing
in the world ever?
-Get Colin Robinson's
e-mail address.
-Why?
- To give you a discount card.-To
send you a packet of three.
NADJA:
I'm just really into,
like, computers.
Uh-huh. But why do you
really want it?
Because we have a huge
fucking curse on us!
We need ten e-mail addresses
pronto, Tonto,
-or it's...
Who got you? Tommy Knockers?
The Headless Apothecary?
-Bloody Mary.
Oh.
Oh, she's a sneak, that one.
Sure, I'll give you
my e-mail address.
- Ha!
- Then I get the curse,
and I can pass the curse
on to the company directory.
Send it to Jason first.
He'll send it over to Andrew.
It'll get to Becky.
When it gets to Becky,
I'm gonna get a talking-to.
Don't want to be rude,
Colin Robinson, but could you
get on with it?
Otherwise it's certain death.
- Okay. Well, let me just write it
down.-NANDOR: No, just say it to us.
-This pen's dead.
I'm gonna try the old Bic.
-Just say it to us.
- It's gonna take a second.
- You can just say it to us.
Oh, I wouldn't dare,
not with Internet security
being how it is these days.
A lot
of Fortune 500 companies today
suffer from corporate espionage.
I chose that e-mail address
because I enjoy traveling.
CLAUDE:
Here we go.
Yes!
It's not our house.
We're fine.
We're gonna be okay.
-It's not our house. I mean,
even the topiary,
it's not even erotic.
They're just giant balls.
Ready for your first hunt,
Guillermo?
-Technically, it's all
our first hunt, but... yeah.
-True, true.
GUILLERMO:
Destiny is a funny mistress.
I mean, I highly doubt
there's any vampires in there.
GUILLERMO:
Okay, let's do this, I guess.
CLAUDE:
Oh, hell yes.
GUILLERMO:
And let's just be cautious,
guys.
'Cause they could just be
regular people.
And we're, like,
breaking into their house.
CLAUDE: Get your cameras on.
I smell vamps.
CLAUDE:
Very clever hiding place.
Familiars are such idiots.
They're... they're not idiots.
See? See, I told you,
they're just a regular family.
Come on, let's go.
Are you kidding me? That'sjust
what they want us to think.
These are decoy photos.
All right, let's split up.
Derek, Tonya, check that way.
I'll check over here.
Newb, you stick with Shanice.
Check upstairs.
Let's eviscerate these vamps.
No! No, no, no, let's not
eviscerate anyone, okay?
This is already
breaking and entering.
Let's just leave
this family alone
- before it gets worse.
- I'm just gonna go upstairs.
-No, Shanice...
-Are you just gonna stay
down here by yourself?
- And get murdered?
- Shanice!
We could go to prison for this.Shanice.
Did you hear that?
What is that, a cage?
Oh, check this out, man.
DEREK:
A bat cage.
Who poses for a picture
of themself
with themself?
That's not normal.
- SHANICE: Oh.
- GUILLERMO: See?
If there was vampires,
wouldn'tthey be awake right now?
That's true.
Come on, let's go.
They're just kids.
You know, I used to have
star stickers
like that when I was a kid.
Ursa Major, Ursa Minor.
Uh, Canis Major, Canis Minor.
-Shanice, we need to go!
-You know what,
if the police showed up,
- I think it's...
- We need to go, okay?
Shanice, we need to go
right now.
BOTH:
Where are you going?
Holy...!
BOTH:
Vampires!
-♪ Oh, baby... ♪
- We need to get
everybody to the van.
♪ My heart is full of love
and desire for you... ♪
-Go, go, go, go, go!
♪ You started this fire ♪
♪ Down in my soul... ♪
I'm okay, I'm okay!
COLIN:
Now that you have
my e-mail address,
I'll get your e-mail addresses
and you'll be signed up
automatically
for my e-newsletter.
-It's bi-weekly
and-and by bi-weekly,
I mean twice a week
-This week I'm taking
a deep dive into...
-I have to go, I have to...
- Shit! Shit! Shit! Guys?!
Guys?!-♪ Can't stay alive ♪
♪ Without you ♪
Whoever finds this,
you have to warn everyone.
♪ Desire for you ♪
Derek, let's go!
No way! Guys?
"Dancing in the Moonlight"?
I bet vamps really
love this tune...
-No, we have to go!
Oh, my God!
Where's the holy water?
-Come on, let's go!
Guys, we did it!
We actually found a vamp!
Where are they?
I have to go back,
I have to go back
or they're gonna die.
I have to go back,
I got to go back.
CLAUDE:
Get the fuck off of me! Shit!
I shoved a stake in my foot!
- Go, get out.
- I'm trying.
- Go!
- It really hurts.
-I got a hole in my foot!
You have to get out
of the house... go, go go!
BOTH:
A midnight snack?
Sorry.
SHANICE:
Help me!
Shanice!
- Somebody, help!
- Shanice!
Somebody help!
Are you okay?
- I'm okay, I'm okay.
- All right.
I'm okay.
Stay back! Get back!
We have to go!
We have to go, sorry!
CAMERAMAN:
Fuck!
SHANICE:
Where's Derek?
I couldn't find Derek!
- It's too late for him now.
- Oh. Oh...
We still have to get
the van back to Derek's mom.
CLAUDE:
Yep.
Sir... bob
gel...
-There, it is done.
That is ten e-mails.
LASZLO:
So what do we do,
wait till sunrise?
How do we know
that Sir Bob Geldolph
- has that e-mail?
- Uh...
-Oh...
Whoa, it's all right.
NADJA:
Oh, no!
Don't fear, my darling.
Laszlo, your forearm is
not curse-proof!
Please!
All this is playing
havoc with my guts.
Talking about guts,
I did tell you about Arianna
- when her guts were dragged outon the doorstep?
- Yes, yes!
No, no, no, please!
Bloody Mary, have mercy on us!
Do not rip our guts out!
Guillermo?
You scared the shit out of us!
What was that dilly-dallying
at the door?
Could you just come in
like a normal person?
The door's getting stuck again.
I like tie-dye...
Have you been to a concert?
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
The Tide to go pens were
on sale, so you got some
extra cash.
Unforeseen riches.
NADJA:
Oh, the curse!
-It has lifted!
You don't even know
what this is about.
Laszlo, now, really?
LASZLO:
Oh, yes.
You know, while you were
out running your errand,
we were in very serious danger.
Because of your machine.
We could have been
killed tonight.
Did you know that?
It was really scary.
I'm sorry, Master.
Guillermo?
Yes?
Would you mind staying
for a few moments,
just until I fall asleep?
Of course.
Thank you.
Guillermo?
Yes, Master?
I don't wish to be murdered
in my slumber.
I know it's a little silly,
because we defeated the curse.
But with that
and all these stories
about vampires being murdered
lately, I'm feeling a little...
less fearless than I usually do.
Just a little.
- I'll stay, Master.
- Thank you.
I'm not asleep yet, Guillermo!
♪ I don't know how it ♪
♪ Done happened... ♪
♪ The devil caught me napping ♪
♪ He must've come
without a-rapping ♪
♪ Without a-rapping on my door ♪
♪ And he done
took me flirting ♪
♪ But he and I ♪
♪ Don't talk no more ♪
♪ Baby, is you sure? ♪
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
COLIN: They had come
highly recommended
by a mutual vampire
associate of ours,
but nevertheless,
I found it prudent
- to run the traditional
credit checks...
and reference protocols.
Suffice it to say,
I am part of the 33%
who find it necessary to utilizemy
complementary credit check
every year.
MAN: I had no idea
what I would find
when I went searching
for my father.
They flashed the Zodiac
Killer, and my heart stopped.
WOMAN: He believes
he is the son of the Zodiac.
What is Devs?
What is Devs?
What is Devs?
What is Devs?
What is Devs?
What is Devs?
What is Devs?
the speaker of the house
a four-letter word?
- No.
- Are you sure?
Yes, I'm sure. "Ass" is
a three-letter word.
Here we are.
I keep all of my correspondences
from the past seven and a half
centuries in this box.
I used to get so many letters.
Who's it gonna be?
From my mom and dad
when I was away training with
the Al Quolanudarian forces.
"Dear Nandor,
we hope that the rocks there
are not too hard."
At training camp,
we would use rocks as pillows.
And blankets.
This one is a letter
from the leader of an army
that we defeated
with particular brutality.
Tens of thousands
were slaughtered.
I guess I never had
a chance to open it.
"I resign myself to surrender.
I plead for a road to peace."
Oops.
Oh, this one is good.
An anonymous friend
sent me a token
for a free scoop
at Baskin and Robbins.
I can't eat ice cream,
but it meant a lot.
I have asked Guillermo
to bring me
his computing machine
so I can see if I have
receivedany electronic letters
- in the past decade.
- GUILLERMO: Okay.
- All right.
- Ah, yes.
GUILLERMO:
Connect this...
All right, there you go.
It's connected
to this Ethernet cable.
Yes, I know how
the ether works, Guillermo.
- No, Ethernet.
- Give me this.
Okay. Well, if that's it,
I'm gonna head out, 'cause Ihave
a couple of errands to run.
- Okay, then, bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
Oh, uh, I got some blood
on my fancy collar,
so if could you get me
one of those...
- Tide to go pens?
- Soapy pens
- you can use on clothing.
- Tide to go pens.
The Tide pen.
- The "to go" variety.
- To go.
There's money in the dish
on the table in my room.
The money dish.
Uh, it's gone black.
No, no, it's just asleep.
Arise. Arise!
What is "arise," again?
Control-alt-seven?
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪
♪ They have no use
for your song ♪
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪
♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪
♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪
CLAUDE:
What if it's a little
old lady vampire?
-KIDS: Kill.
-What if it's a little
baby vampire?
- KIDS: Kill.
- Oh, look here.
Guillermo, you ready
to slay some Suckers?
Uh... I brought
some wooden stakes
-that I had at home
so we can practice...
-TONYA: Nice.
- Slaying some Suckers.
- CLAUDE: Right on.
GUILLERMO:
I've decided
to infiltrate the group
and sabotage
whatever plans they have.
'Cause I would never forgive
myself if something happened
to Nandor, Nadja or Laszlo.
But I don't think I have to be
worried too much with this...
CLAUDE:
Stab it, stab it like this!
Gotta kill it.
Glad you brought
your camera crew, too.
Helps get the word out.
For too long, these
vampires have gotten away
with treating humans
like either dinner or dirt.
You know, every relationship
has its ebbs and flows.
Ooh! I'm feeling good.
- DEREK: Yeah. Yes.
- You feeling good?
-I feel good.
-Hell yeah.
-Yeah.
You guys are pumped
for training.
CLAUDE: Training? Nah. Training's over.
- What-what's going on?
- Our first official hunt.
I'm sorry, what?
Oh, uh... No, I thought
we were just going to,
- uh, practice today...
- No, no, no.
We finally have a real target.
Shanice, fill him in.
You know my roommate
who was turned into a vampire?
Well, I think I figured out
where the ones
who turned her live.
It's a house right here
in Staten Island.
It's a very
spooky-looking place.
No one goes in or out
during the day.
No cars are parked out front.
And there a lot of bats.
Plus, there are
these very strange
tr... tr... tenopinaries.
Tipperaries?
- Chilip... Tilopirar...
- Topiary.
These hedges
out in the front yard.
Do, uh, any of these hedges
look like...
vaginas?
My man.
SHANICE:
I mean, I guess
some of them
are of the adult nature.
I think I know what house
you're talking about.
They're normal human beings.
They're not vampires.
They're, like, teachers
or social workers, actually.
- We are going there tonight.
- Yes!
No! We shouldn't go tonight.
This is my second meeting.
I thought we were gonna just...
Ha... practice.
I could go another round
at that crossbow.
And I know that Derek
mentioned something.
You could go
another round, right?
- No, I'm good.
- I'm pretty sure you said it.
No, we've never
talked outside of this.
Okay, well, he doesn't remember.
- Gear up. Let's ride.
- Yes.
TONYA:
All right, guys.
We have enough for, like,
two holy waters per person.
Breathing exercises.
I like it, Guillermo.
I'm going to check my Hotmail.
Password?
Uh... What is my password?
A secure, alphanumeric one,
I hope.
People think that just varying
the case and adding a number
is enough to keep
would-be hackers at bay,
but the truth is,
that's just the floor,
not the ceiling.
I have a very secure password,
okay, Colin Robinson?
My password
is an impenetrable fortress.
That's it.
"Impenetrable fortress."
I have two e-mail messages.
"of The Blind Side
and you are invited.
The screening
is October the 8th, 2009."
- I...
- Too late.
- I missed it.
- : Sandy Bullock.
She was absolutely
delightful in it.
She dazzled.
I mean, you've seen Speed,
Miss Congeniality, Speed 2,
Miss Congeniality 2,
-and Practical Magic.
Well, that, that's just rude.
Next message.
"This is not a joke.
"You are now cursed.
"Forward this message
to ten people
"and unforeseen riches
will be yours.
"If you don't,
you will be killed.
"Bloody Mary knows who you are
and where you live.
"She will find you and hang
your corpse for all to see.
"You have
until sunrise tomorrow.
"No send-backs.
This is not a joke."
Nadja!
Laszlo!
"Warning. If you've read
this far, it's too late."
You stupid bloody donkey.
-Why did you let me
read this far?
-Well...
Says here some girl called
Arianna disobeyed Bloody Mary,
and now she's dead.
They ripped her guts out
-and dropped them on the front
doorstep of her parents.
-Oh!
I'd say we're fucked.
This light box has cursed us.
Do you think it could maybe
be something
from the neighborhood imp,
having a cheeky little joke?
This is not a joke.
It says it in many places.
Here, here, and here.
Don't look, my sweet darling.
It's too dangerous.
Curses are very common
- and very serious.
- Yes, this is true.
When I was younger,
I saw so many
horrible curses going around.
There was a man
who was just in the market,
and he didn't pay the fair
price for the meat of a goat,
then, poof, you know, his
bollocks are shriveled into
two tiny little raisins.
The man's bollocks.
Not the goat's.
Oh, yeah. No, sorry.
I thought that was clear.
-No, it wasn't.
-Curses really hit you
where it hurts.
-Mm-hmm.
Well, I definitely,
uh, succeeded
with the infiltrating part
of the plan,
but I'm having a little
troublewith the sabotage
in that we're about to drive
a van full of vampire-killing
weapons to the house.
I just need to pretend I'm one
of them. Just, just pretend...
Guillermo!
We gotta move.
Derek's mom needs the van back
first thing tomorrow morning.
- Let's ride.
- Yeah.
Why did you even open
this thin machine?!
I was just checking
my e-mails.
I didn't know it would be
full of curses.
All right, calm down.
All we need to do issend
that to ten friends or foes
by sunrise, and the curse
will be lifted.
Where are we going to get
the e-mail addresses,
the "e-mail address shop"?!
No, I'm guessing that'll be
closed this time of night.
I do have the e-mail address
for a Count Fandango.
Well done, Nandor.
Send it to him.
One step forward
to unforeseen fortunes.
One step away from getting
our guts ripped out.
What do you say?
-How dare you do that?
You want to end up like Arianna?
- Fine.
- Hold your bleedin' horses.
Some chap's left
his calling card.
A "Timothy,"
at Circuit City stores.
"Happy to help," he says.
It also has his phone number...
-and e-mail address.
- Looks like Timothy's
going to be getting
- a curse in the electronic
post.-NANDOR: Yeah!
Hi, Timmy!
CLAUDE: Watch out, mosquitoes!
You know, maybe we couldkeep
it down a little bit, huh?
It's actually hard to focus
on, uh, on vampire killing
when it's so loud, you know?
-Thank you.
I feel hot and sweaty.
I can't stop shaking
since I got here.
-CLAUDE: You say something,
Guillermo?
-Uh, no.
I was just saying
that, uh, maybe
we're getting a late start,
you know.
We should probably be doing this
tomorrow, during the day.
My mom needs the van tomorrow.
- She's catering a quinceañera.
- Cool, cool, cool.
That explains the boxes
of, uh, shrimp...
Yeah, man, knock yourself out,
you know.
Okay, yeah, let me...
let me take a look at...
This is bad. This is bad.
-Laszlo. Laszlo...
- Whoa! What clarion call
is that?
The clagging chimes of doom?
-Shh. Where is it coming from?
This way.
-NANDOR: I will answer it.
LASZLO:
No, you won't.
If that curse can travel
through the Internet,
it'll sure as shit travel
through that telephone.
GUILLERMO:
We're not in right now,
but if you'd like to leave
a message for Nandor,
- Nadja or Laszlo,
- COLIN: And Colin Robinson!
-please do so at the tone.
: You need to getout of
the house right now.
You need to get out
or you're gonna die.
-Get out now!
You're gonna die.
This is not a joke.
-Shit.
How did Bloody Mary get
our bloody phone number?!
Her power knows no bounds.
Did I tell you about the time
when Arianna's guts were
ripped out of...
- Yes, we just read the e-mail!
- Yeah.
We need more addresses.
LASZLO:
Well, then, you need
to make one up.
It is very hard to come up
with names
when everyone is shouting.
What is a good name?
I know one we could try.
Bloody fucking Mary!
That little piss snake
thinks she can send
a curse to us?
Well, let's see how she likes
itwhen I send an e-mail to
-Did she reply?
No. It is from "mailer-daemon."
ALL:
Demon!
- Knock, knock, knock,
knock, knocking.
Oh. Hey, guys.
Come on in.
- No, that's fine.
- Right.
Oh, hello, Colin Robinson.
We were just sat around
thinking do you know what
would be the best thing
in the world ever?
-Get Colin Robinson's
e-mail address.
-Why?
- To give you a discount card.-To
send you a packet of three.
NADJA:
I'm just really into,
like, computers.
Uh-huh. But why do you
really want it?
Because we have a huge
fucking curse on us!
We need ten e-mail addresses
pronto, Tonto,
-or it's...
Who got you? Tommy Knockers?
The Headless Apothecary?
-Bloody Mary.
Oh.
Oh, she's a sneak, that one.
Sure, I'll give you
my e-mail address.
- Ha!
- Then I get the curse,
and I can pass the curse
on to the company directory.
Send it to Jason first.
He'll send it over to Andrew.
It'll get to Becky.
When it gets to Becky,
I'm gonna get a talking-to.
Don't want to be rude,
Colin Robinson, but could you
get on with it?
Otherwise it's certain death.
- Okay. Well, let me just write it
down.-NANDOR: No, just say it to us.
-This pen's dead.
I'm gonna try the old Bic.
-Just say it to us.
- It's gonna take a second.
- You can just say it to us.
Oh, I wouldn't dare,
not with Internet security
being how it is these days.
A lot
of Fortune 500 companies today
suffer from corporate espionage.
I chose that e-mail address
because I enjoy traveling.
CLAUDE:
Here we go.
Yes!
It's not our house.
We're fine.
We're gonna be okay.
-It's not our house. I mean,
even the topiary,
it's not even erotic.
They're just giant balls.
Ready for your first hunt,
Guillermo?
-Technically, it's all
our first hunt, but... yeah.
-True, true.
GUILLERMO:
Destiny is a funny mistress.
I mean, I highly doubt
there's any vampires in there.
GUILLERMO:
Okay, let's do this, I guess.
CLAUDE:
Oh, hell yes.
GUILLERMO:
And let's just be cautious,
guys.
'Cause they could just be
regular people.
And we're, like,
breaking into their house.
CLAUDE: Get your cameras on.
I smell vamps.
CLAUDE:
Very clever hiding place.
Familiars are such idiots.
They're... they're not idiots.
See? See, I told you,
they're just a regular family.
Come on, let's go.
Are you kidding me? That'sjust
what they want us to think.
These are decoy photos.
All right, let's split up.
Derek, Tonya, check that way.
I'll check over here.
Newb, you stick with Shanice.
Check upstairs.
Let's eviscerate these vamps.
No! No, no, no, let's not
eviscerate anyone, okay?
This is already
breaking and entering.
Let's just leave
this family alone
- before it gets worse.
- I'm just gonna go upstairs.
-No, Shanice...
-Are you just gonna stay
down here by yourself?
- And get murdered?
- Shanice!
We could go to prison for this.Shanice.
Did you hear that?
What is that, a cage?
Oh, check this out, man.
DEREK:
A bat cage.
Who poses for a picture
of themself
with themself?
That's not normal.
- SHANICE: Oh.
- GUILLERMO: See?
If there was vampires,
wouldn'tthey be awake right now?
That's true.
Come on, let's go.
They're just kids.
You know, I used to have
star stickers
like that when I was a kid.
Ursa Major, Ursa Minor.
Uh, Canis Major, Canis Minor.
-Shanice, we need to go!
-You know what,
if the police showed up,
- I think it's...
- We need to go, okay?
Shanice, we need to go
right now.
BOTH:
Where are you going?
Holy...!
BOTH:
Vampires!
-♪ Oh, baby... ♪
- We need to get
everybody to the van.
♪ My heart is full of love
and desire for you... ♪
-Go, go, go, go, go!
♪ You started this fire ♪
♪ Down in my soul... ♪
I'm okay, I'm okay!
COLIN:
Now that you have
my e-mail address,
I'll get your e-mail addresses
and you'll be signed up
automatically
for my e-newsletter.
-It's bi-weekly
and-and by bi-weekly,
I mean twice a week
-This week I'm taking
a deep dive into...
-I have to go, I have to...
- Shit! Shit! Shit! Guys?!
Guys?!-♪ Can't stay alive ♪
♪ Without you ♪
Whoever finds this,
you have to warn everyone.
♪ Desire for you ♪
Derek, let's go!
No way! Guys?
"Dancing in the Moonlight"?
I bet vamps really
love this tune...
-No, we have to go!
Oh, my God!
Where's the holy water?
-Come on, let's go!
Guys, we did it!
We actually found a vamp!
Where are they?
I have to go back,
I have to go back
or they're gonna die.
I have to go back,
I got to go back.
CLAUDE:
Get the fuck off of me! Shit!
I shoved a stake in my foot!
- Go, get out.
- I'm trying.
- Go!
- It really hurts.
-I got a hole in my foot!
You have to get out
of the house... go, go go!
BOTH:
A midnight snack?
Sorry.
SHANICE:
Help me!
Shanice!
- Somebody, help!
- Shanice!
Somebody help!
Are you okay?
- I'm okay, I'm okay.
- All right.
I'm okay.
Stay back! Get back!
We have to go!
We have to go, sorry!
CAMERAMAN:
Fuck!
SHANICE:
Where's Derek?
I couldn't find Derek!
- It's too late for him now.
- Oh. Oh...
We still have to get
the van back to Derek's mom.
CLAUDE:
Yep.
Sir... bob
gel...
-There, it is done.
That is ten e-mails.
LASZLO:
So what do we do,
wait till sunrise?
How do we know
that Sir Bob Geldolph
- has that e-mail?
- Uh...
-Oh...
Whoa, it's all right.
NADJA:
Oh, no!
Don't fear, my darling.
Laszlo, your forearm is
not curse-proof!
Please!
All this is playing
havoc with my guts.
Talking about guts,
I did tell you about Arianna
- when her guts were dragged outon the doorstep?
- Yes, yes!
No, no, no, please!
Bloody Mary, have mercy on us!
Do not rip our guts out!
Guillermo?
You scared the shit out of us!
What was that dilly-dallying
at the door?
Could you just come in
like a normal person?
The door's getting stuck again.
I like tie-dye...
Have you been to a concert?
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
The Tide to go pens were
on sale, so you got some
extra cash.
Unforeseen riches.
NADJA:
Oh, the curse!
-It has lifted!
You don't even know
what this is about.
Laszlo, now, really?
LASZLO:
Oh, yes.
You know, while you were
out running your errand,
we were in very serious danger.
Because of your machine.
We could have been
killed tonight.
Did you know that?
It was really scary.
I'm sorry, Master.
Guillermo?
Yes?
Would you mind staying
for a few moments,
just until I fall asleep?
Of course.
Thank you.
Guillermo?
Yes, Master?
I don't wish to be murdered
in my slumber.
I know it's a little silly,
because we defeated the curse.
But with that
and all these stories
about vampires being murdered
lately, I'm feeling a little...
less fearless than I usually do.
Just a little.
- I'll stay, Master.
- Thank you.
I'm not asleep yet, Guillermo!
♪ I don't know how it ♪
♪ Done happened... ♪
♪ The devil caught me napping ♪
♪ He must've come
without a-rapping ♪
♪ Without a-rapping on my door ♪
♪ And he done
took me flirting ♪
♪ But he and I ♪
♪ Don't talk no more ♪
♪ Baby, is you sure? ♪
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
COLIN: They had come
highly recommended
by a mutual vampire
associate of ours,
but nevertheless,
I found it prudent
- to run the traditional
credit checks...
and reference protocols.
Suffice it to say,
I am part of the 33%
who find it necessary to utilizemy
complementary credit check
every year.
MAN: I had no idea
what I would find
when I went searching
for my father.
They flashed the Zodiac
Killer, and my heart stopped.
WOMAN: He believes
he is the son of the Zodiac.
What is Devs?
What is Devs?
What is Devs?
What is Devs?
What is Devs?
What is Devs?
What is Devs?