Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp (2015): Season 1, Episode 2 - Lunch - full transcript

Guys, guys, guys!

It's the beginning of summer.

What are we gonna do to shake
things up? I need stories!

Let's do a piece on this
Grandmaster Flash guy.

What is he like? What makes him tick?

He's a DJ, who cares? What else?

- Come on, Alan!
- DJ?

Think you need to broaden your horizons.

There's a whole movement
happening up in the South Bronx.

- Right, Dave?
- I mean, come on.

Get on a train and go uptown.



- Find out what's really going on.
- Yeah, take a peek.

I got something.

You got a little, uh...
barbecue sauce on your face.

Lindsay, your hands are full with the
radio payola piece. Just stick with that.

Yeah, stick to your payola piece.

Going out, trying to pitch another piece.

I know, I know, Alan. It's
just, um... Humor me for a second.

- Uh-oh. Here we go, we gotta humor her.
- Should be good.

Get ready.

There's this...

summer camp that I heard about up in Maine.

A summer camp? Is this a joke?

What is this, a joke? A
summer camp in Maine?

Guys! Guys! Guys! Come on! Come on!



It's a funny joke, but if it's
not a joke, I mean, come on...

Hey, hey, hey, hold on. Hold on, guys.

Let's see where she's going with this...

I'm thinking I go up there undercover.

Get the real story, right?

What the teenagers are doing
when the parents aren't around.

I know I'm 24 years old, but...

I could pass for a teenager, you
know, with the right clothes.

Oh, wow.

- Yeah, I don't buy it.
- I doubt it.

The right clothes? They
don't make those kind of clothes.

God damn it! I can pull this off!
I have a degree from the...

Columbia School of Journalism.

There it is. Dave, you owe me 20 bucks.

- You owe me 20 bucks.
- Right, we'll call it even, Dave.

We're gonna call it even on the bet.

Degree or no degree, Lindsay,

what makes you think you
can pass for 16 years old?

What makes her think
she could pass for a 16-year-old?

Oh!

- Whoa.
- I'll be damned.

She really does look like she's 16.

I stand corrected, Linds. I think
we all underestimated you.

- You made a mistake.
- Yeah.

So what do you say, Alan?

You gotta understand. It's...
it's just not our normal beat.

- Yeah, we don't do that.
- It's not our beat.

- It's rock and roll.
- Guys! Guys!

{an8}This is Rock & Roll World magazine!

{an8}Are we just gonna cover rock and roll?

Or are we gonna cover the world?

- Yeah.
- She's got a point.

We gotta cover the world. That's
in the title. Rock & Roll World.

Five thousand words on summer camp.
Make it count.

All right, I'll call TWA.

{an8}We're half past
the top of the morning here

{an8}on the first day of Camp Firewood.

{an8}Today's the day you let
everybody know just who you are.

{an8}-Are you a jock? An artist? Yeah!

{an8}Maybe you're a cool kid. A loner?

{an8}Who you sit next to at lunch today

{an8}could set the stage for
the rest of your summer.

{an8}And do yourself a favor, folks.
Don't get caught picking your nose,

{an8}or you're gonna be known as the Booger Kid,

{an8}and we got eight weeks to go.

Now, my schedule spies tell me that
the activity orientation stations

are up and running right
about now, so check 'em out.

Ow, my balls! God!

Let us know what's hot and what is not.

As always, you got the Beekeeper
spinning only the platters that matter.

Now, I really shouldn't do this, 'cause
it'll piss off the bean counters,

but what the hell!

Let's do ten songs in a
row, commercial-free,

right here on WCFW in the Beehive!

I had no idea how I was
gonna convince a bunch of teens

that I was just like them
and not a 24-year-old

with a lifetime of sexual
and career experience.

Little did I know, this summer
camp in the woods of Maine

would change the trajectory
of my entire life.

Can't beat me. You can't beat me.

Hey, guys. Let's do this, okay?

We're gonna build a story
one word at a time.

It's really fun. I'll go first.

- Once...
- Upon...

A...

Fart.

- As always, very original, Drew.
- I know.

- Let's try again.
- Okay.

- Once...
- Upon...

A...

Titty!

Come on, guys. This could be very
rewarding if you actually made an effort.

- I don't think so.
- No.

Do you have a boyfriend, Katie?

Yes, his name is Blake McCarthy,

and our parents vacation
together in Nantucket.

Is he cute?

Uh, yeah, he's a total fox.

Like a younger Larry Wilcox.

Ooh.

What about you guys? Do any
of you have boyfriends?

Well, what about over there?

You think any of them are cute?

Ew, gross.

Boys are disgusting!

They make me barf.

Well, I'm sure you feel that way now,
but I bet you that's gonna change.

Amy keeps staring
at brown shirt over there.

I don't know.

He seems... nice.

Kevin, why don't you... Why
don't you try this time?

- Go ahead, Kev-Kev.
- Kevin?

Hey, Coop, I gotta take a whiz.
Thanks, man!

Screw you, Kevin, okay? Buh-bye.

What's up, buddy? You seem distracted.

That girl over there. I think I like her.

- Maybe you should go talk to her.
- But what would I say?

Look, last year I was terrified
to talk to this girl, Donna,

but then on the very last day of camp,

I did talk to her, and
now she's my girlfriend.

So, anyone can do it...

Hey! A cool thing is happening over here!
Everyone run toward it!

- Should we go?
- Yeah, let's go.

All right.

Oh, that's my girlfriend, Donna!
Hey, Donna!

Wow.

Who is this guy?

That's Yaron. He's the
new Soccer Counselor.

He's from Israel.

- Ya-what?
- Yaron.

- What?
- Yaron.

- Ya-reun?
- Ya-ron.

Ha!

Whoo!

Ha!

Wow.

I'm so happy to meet all of you.

In Israel we have a saying...

It means, "Will you dance with me?"

And that is how I feel about all of you.

Men, women, counselors, campers...
I want you all to dance with me.

So, bevakasha, uh...

Yaron, where do you live in Israel?

I live on a beach south
of Haifa, Hof HaBonim.

Oh, I've been there. I've seen
the guys all playing matkot.

Matkot! You know this?

When were you in Israel?

This past winter I was there.
I just... yeah.

Hey, popsicles! Let's go!
Let's go! Let's go!

Oh, my gosh. Can I have one of those?

I've just been, like,
dying for a cigarette.

Of course.

You guys, you can't smoke at camp.

You're cute.

Mmm.

I really miss these. They're
not as strong in the States.

Well, I brought many, so... anytime.

Be careful what you offer.

I'm Gerald Cooperberg.
I'm Donna's boyfriend.

Well now, for me, it's time for...

I have to play for...
teaching soccer for kids.

Oh, for soccer.

And so, see you soon.

Yeah, saba... ba.

Donna, I can't believe you smoke now.

You should try it. You might like it, Coop.

Oh, I don't know. I...

- Come on!
- Okay.

You look sexy with a cigarette.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Do you wanna, like, go
have lunch or whatever?

I'm probably gonna skip lunch.

Just 'cause I'm not really
into the ersatz food thing.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Ersatz stuff in general is pretty
dubious, is kinda my take on that.

Maybe we could then go back to my
bunk and just, like, do whatever...

Uh, Coop, I don't know if I can,

just 'cause I have to unpack and
take things out of bags and stuff.

- I'm kind of slammed right now.
- Yeah.

Um, but I'll see you later.

Sure, yeah. You want to make a
scheduled time for that, or...

Bye.

Bye.

♪On top of old smokey ♪

♪ All covered with cheese ♪

Okay, all the
campers are accounted for.

You want me to cross-check
against the yellow list?

Yes, just don't ask me. Do whatever.

Hey, whoa, are you okay?

Yes, I'm okay. Nothing is wrong, all right?

I just don't need you giving me the
third degree about my mental state!

I'll fix it. Pass it over here.
I can look at it.

But be careful.
It's my favorite cassette.

I'll bet you he can fix it.

- Oh, man...
- Shit.

Who is that?

I don't know, but God
dang it, she's smoking!

- Hi, I'm Lindsay.
- Hi.

- Hi, Lindsay.
- Hi, Lindsay.

- Hey.
- So, I'm a new counselor here.

- Cool.
- Cool.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

So where are you from, Lindsay?

Where am I from?
Where am I from?

I'm from, I'm from, I'm from, I'm from...

Manhattan... ville. Manhattanville.

- Cool.
- Where is that?

It's in Ohio.

- Hmm.
- All right.

Oh, which part?

The center... up... state, down.

- The downtown.
- Oh, okay. Cool.

Can I sit down?

- No, no, no, sit right there.
- Join us.

We were just listening to some music and...

Yeah, some top hits.

You know what works great for that?
Butter knife.

That's how I fix it in the office.

What office?

The officer... Officer Jones.

Oh.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

♪ Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider ♪

♪ Girls go to Mars to be superstars ♪

♪ Boys go to Uranus to get more heinous ♪

♪ Girls go to Venus to
get away from penis ♪

♪ Boys go to Neptune to get more... ♪

Oh, no! I gotta go!

What's wrong with her?

Hmm...

Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no.

Honey? Sweetie, are you okay?

Uh, I think so.

I have a feeling I know what's going on.

You need one of these?

Oh, uh...

Thanks.

Uh...

Where do I... put it?

Oh...

Just... up in the... Where the...

- Where it's coming from?
- Thanks.

It's not so bad, is it?

I feel different. I feel...

Weird.

Well, it takes some getting used to.

Abby Bernstein, I do believe
you've just become a woman.

Are you sure you can't tell?

Your secret is safe with us.

♪ Electric nights ♪

♪ Electric days ♪

♪ Electric eyes ♪

- ♪ Electric ways ♪ - Bravissimo.

People, that is how it's done.

Becky, Danny, I hope you
were paying attention.

You guys are our leads. We need
to feel the love between you.

It's called acting.

Yes, Ben, but it's a little
more complicated than that.

We never want to know you're acting.

You have to be it so we don't see it.

You have to live it or we won't forgive it.

You have to inhabit it or
leave it in the cabinet.

Hiya.

Sorry I'm late. Guy jumped
in front of the F Train.

Everyone, this is my assistant Rhonda.

She's come up from the city
to help us out tonight.

She's going to teach you
the new choreography.

All right.

This one's with a hitch-kick,
right into a ball change.

Don't let your ball change
look like a box step

and your grapevine needs to travel!

- Huh? Ya got that?
- She's sassy.

From the top, guys. I want pizazz.

I want oomph, I want hips, hips, hips.
Energy! Okay?

From one. No marking.

Five, six, seven, eight!

♪ Electric nights ♪

Stop! Stop!

Stop moving!

Claude, according to Actors' Equity
rules, we need to break for lunch.

Oh, wow.

I think we really need to keep working.
Curtain's in six hours.

We haven't even rehearsed the
"Death Row Boogie" number.

Ben, Equity rules are
Equity rules for a reason.

Susie's right, Ben.

Just because you're an amateur doesn't
mean you have to act like one.

Ladies and gents, that's lunch!

One hour. It's a walk away.

And I mean one hour. No
dillying, no dallying.

Susie, I am impressed with your knowledge
of the professional theater regulations.

Very impressed.

All right, reach down and stretch.
Touch your toes.

That's it. Feel the burn.

And, uh... do that thing. The arm thing.

Leave it. You know what? It's fine.
You're fine.

Get in the lake.

Cannonball!

- Hey, Andy?
- Hey, man. I can't be your buddy.

Go ask one of the inhaler kids
if you can't find anyone.

- I have to go to the bathroom.
- Go in the lake.

It's number two.

So?

- Commode's right over there.
- Keep the life jacket on.

The life jackets stay on.

Susie.

- Thanks a lot.
- What? What did I do?

You just totally embarrassed me back
there in front of Claude Dumet.

I'm, like, totally dying inside right now.

Okay, methinks you're
being a wee bit dramatic.

Oh, great. Just shrug it
off like you always do.

Like I always do? What does that mean?

Oh, now who's being dramatic?

Ben, I don't want to fight with you, okay?

We are a very important couple at Camp
Firewood and couples don't fight.

Yes, they do. My parents fought all the
time until my father killed himself.

- What is happening to us?
- I don't know.

Look, I have an idea.

Let's just have angry sex right now, okay?

Just treat me like a hussy! Just
throw me on this picnic table

and let's have passionate make-up
sex right now. Let's do it.

Yeah, but Susie, we haven't
even had regular sex yet.

Are you not attracted to me?

Do you not think I'm beautiful? Is that it?

Oh... child.

You're as beautiful as an
English rose at sunrise.

I just want our
first time to be perfect, that's all.

With a waxing
orange crescent harvest moon.

Can you picture it?

It's hangin' so low, it's
almost like a dew drop.

I think I can lasso it.

I guess I want that, too.

♪ Electric nights ♪

♪ Electric days ♪

♪ Electric eyes, electric ways ♪

- We should probably get some lunch.
- Really?

Equity rules.

You're right.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Ugh! Oh, God.

Ready?

The funny thing about
new people and new surroundings?

You're always on the outside looking in.

But if you show them something
they've never seen before?

They won't just open the door.
They'll make you stay for dinner.

Lindsay, you are so cool.

- It's really easy. I'll teach you.
- Yes.

Lindsay, I have this
really rare baseball card.

It's a mint condition Sandy Koufax.
Do you want to see it?

Oh.

- Do you want to have it?
- Thanks, J.J.

I was in. I was one of them.

I had my access, now all
I needed was my angle.

Hey, what's in that cabin over there?

What? Did I say something wrong?

No, it's just, we don't talk
about what's in the cabin.

You know, um, I actually think
lunch is getting started, so...

- We gotta go.
- But guys, what's in the cabin?

I wish I could tell you about what's
in the cabin, Lindsay, but I...

I can't tell you about what's in the cabin.

Cuckoo clock says noon.

Heading towards the mid-day meal.

Parental units joining us to break bread
before heading back to the homestead.

Tearful goodbyes and new beginnings.

I guess you could say it's...

♪ Mixed emotions ♪

around here right now.

With apologies to Steve Tyler and the boys

for my slightly effed-up take
on their "Sweet Emotion" tune.

Y'all know I love me some Smith
and we're just having fun.

Hi, I was just looking for the chef.

Um, let me check.

- Gail?
- Jonas!

Sugarbutt, what are you doing here?

I know you're busy with lunch,

but I just wanted to give you
this little pre-wedding gift.

Oh, you shouldn't have!

Boy, I'm marrying the most thoughtful,
beautiful-est girl in the world.

Open it!

Aw, it's an apron with writing.
Look what it says.

"I love you from my head. Tomatoes."

No, silly. It's "I love you from
my head to-ma-toes." Get it?

- To my toes.
- I love tomatoes.

I slice them every day! Thank you, Gail.

But no, do you get the joke?
'Cause it's to...

To my toes. But it's tomatoes,
since you're a cook.

Like I said, I use tomatoes
all the time in my cooking.

- But the...
- Hey, everybody!

I have a very important
announcement to make!

This...

stunning woman by my side is Gail.

She is your new Arts and Crafts Counselor.

But more to the point, she's my wife-to-be.

Gail and I met at a singles disco
mixer at the Portsmouth Marriott.

And when I saw this little
lady's electric slide, well...

I was a goner.

Do it, honey.

Oh!

Whoo!

I just want to say that I
am so pumped to be part of

the Camp Firewood family this year.

I finally get to put my arts degree
from RISD to good use.

And most of all, I'm really excited
to become Mrs. Jonas Jurgensen.

In fact, we're getting married
right here at camp today!

Hey, Gail, I hope you can cook,

because your husband's food tastes like if
a skunk crawled into another skunk's ass

and took a shit in it, and
then both skunks died.

Joke!

All right, everybody!

Back to lunch.

Does Mitch seem tense to you today?

You know, it's really weird, Beth.
I walked past his office

and he was having a heated argument
on the phone with someone.

I've never seen him like that.

Well, you know, on the first day,

he can be a little upset because
the parents are so annoying.

I don't know, he seemed so
on edge on that phone call.

Well, I'd be on edge, too,
if the Boys' Head Counselor

was eavesdropping on me.

Well, I'd be on edge if I was getting some

from the Girls' Head Counselor every night.

"Oh, Mitch, I'm so horny! Boink me!

Who cares about the camp?
Greg'll handle things!"

How dare you! Mitchell and I are in
an adult committed relationship.

I realize that's a very
foreign concept to you.

- Please. Spare me the graphic details.
- You spare me.

What?

What are they doing?

What is it?

Just as I suspected. Toxic waste.

Oh, my God!

And given the consistency of the sludge,

I'd say it's been seeping into
the water table for weeks.

Jesus!

Given its proximity to the lakefront,

I'd say we've got less than 24
hours to restore the ecology,

or every living thing within
five miles of here could die.

All right, we've got to go
back to camp, find Mitch,

tell him what we saw in the woods
and get his take on the situation.

Let's go!

Hey! You're brave. You
went for the mystery meat.

Yeah. I love solving mysteries.
Especially lunch-related ones.

- I'm Amy.
- I'm Kevin. Where are you from?

I'm from Short Hills.

Oh. See you later.

I saw you talking to
brown shirt over there.

Yeah. His name's Kevin.

Let's play seven minutes in heaven tonight.

- I kind of want to be felt up by Kyle.
- What are you talking about?

An hour ago, you were
saying how gross boys are.

Mmm, that's before I laid my eyes
on Kyle's sweet little tush.

You're so weird, Abby.

Hey, Kevin! Look what
we found in the woods!

A pair of swim trunks covered in shit.

Ew.

- Any idea who these belong to?
- No.

That's weird, because the name tag
says "Kevin Appleblatt" on it!

- Ew!
- Yeah, you pants-shitting liar!

- It wasn't me! I swear.
- Oh, really, Kevin?

Can you explain to everyone here

how your bathing suit ended up in the woods

with shit all over it if you didn't do it?

- Someone must have stolen it.
- Who?

Hmm.

I don't know, but someone obviously
stole it and took a shit in it.

That is the only logical explanation.

So you're saying someone
came into your bunk,

stole your bathing suit,
took a dookie in it,

- and hid it in the woods?
- Yes.

What kind of psycho would do that?

I would!

Who the hell are you?

I'm Ms. Patti Pancakes...

- Huh? Who is that?
- And I like to defecate

in other people's clothing.

It's my thing and I'm not ashamed of it.

- If you're not ashamed, why'd you hide it?
- Because...

Because it's a game!

Yeah. And that's not the only treasure.

I've taken shits in many
of your bathing suits,

and it's your boys' jobs to
find out which ones they are.

- Isn't that fun?
- It's disgusting.

Well, when you're my age, you'll look
back on this and it will all make sense.

Until then, happy hunting!

So strange.

I was wrong about this one, okay?

It was Ms. Patti Pancakes who
took a shit in your bathing suit.

I still got my eye on you.

Yeah, you take it
strong, and you pull...

Do I pull it back, or...

Yeah, take, okay? So, all right. Now...
And then you pull it back...

Okay. Okay.

Donna!

- Donna! What's going on?
- Very good.

Oh, my God.

- Uh, goodbye, Donna.
- Okay.

- Miss.
- Uh, thank you.

- Oh, my God, uh...
- "Oh, my God"?

Yeah, "Oh, my God" is right, Donna!

What's going on here?

You act all happy to see
me, you messed up my hair,

you make me smoke cigarettes,

and then when I say, "You wanna hang out?"

you say you can't because you
have to unpack your bags,

but then I find you with this Yaron guy?

I don't see you unpacking any bags, Donna.
Where are your bags?

Why are you a woman, Coop?

Oh, why am I a woman?

Oh, like, like just because
I want to talk about us,

- that makes me a woman.
- Wow.

You know, men have feelings, too, Donna,
and I'm not ashamed to admit that.

- Coop, you...
- Donna, don't back away from me!

We have to talk! You're
always avoiding conversation!

- Coop, you smell terrible.
- Yeah, well, I feel terrible, Donna!

- You smell like shit!
- I feel like shit.

- Okay, I can't breathe, so...
- Well, me neither!

I am suffocating in this relationship.

It's like, it's like...

I was expecting this summer to be
the best summer of our lives, okay?

With great memories.

But I don't even know who
you are anymore, Donna.

- I don't know who you are.
- Ugh.

Go unpack your bags, Donna Berman!

But this is one bag you
ain't ever gonna unpack.

Ugh.

Coop! Coop, wait!

We came to find you
as soon as we discovered it.

We figured you'd know what to do.

I'm not a bad man.

Baby, we have to tell the authorities.
This toxic waste could kill us all.

I'm not a bad man.

Wait a second, the phone call...

Does this have anything to do with the
phone call to the volleyball salesman?

There was no volleyball salesman, Greg.

Mitch?

They came to me.

Xenstar.

I'm up to my eyeballs in debt.

They gave me an offer I couldn't refuse.

"Let us use your woods," they said,
"and we'll keep the camp afloat."

So you knew about this?

- Yeah, I just told you I set it all up.
- But why?

Because you asked. You were like,
"Mitch, what happened?" And I...

- Why'd you sell out the camp?
- Don't look at me like that, Greg.

You'd have done exactly the same
thing if you were in my shoes.

No, Mitch, we wouldn't have.

The bank was foreclosing on us!

Xenstar was the only option, guys, okay?
I had to save the camp!

Mitch, I think you need
to turn yourself in.

But I'm not a bad man!

Just apologize and...

Apologize for what, Beth?

Apologize for caring so much

that I would do whatever it takes
to get the campers what they need?

Their blankets. Their canoes!

Their volleyball nets! The volleyballs!

Right? They need both. They
need the nets and... Whoa!

- Mitch! No, Mitch! No! No!
- Mitch! Mitchell!

- Oh, my God, Mitch!
- Mitch!