Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp (2015): Season 1, Episode 1 - Campers Arrive - full transcript

No.

Yeah!

No, he's not.

Whoo!

No, it's okay. It's okay. Let it out.

As my great-grandfather
said back in 1947

when we first opened,

Camp Firewood is more
than just a summer camp.

Camp Firewood is an idea.

A promise.

A way of life.



"A promise, a way of
life..." I covered that.

All right, I just wanted to have a
quick meeting with the junior staff

before the buses get here.

All right, some of you were
campers here last year.

But now, you're all 16 or 17 years old.

So do not think that being a counselor

means that you are campers
with drinking privileges.

Mitch!

These are some things that will
not happen here this summer,

especially if you all
want to last eight weeks

- and see Alan Shemper...
- Oh, my God.

Host the talent show on the last night.

My brother went to Camp Cayuga.
He said Alan Shemper was amazing.

First and foremost, there will be



no relations between
campers and counselors.

This includes dry humping,
necking, wet humping,

finger banging, wheel barrowing,

the old one-two, the old one-two-three,

the old one-two-three-four,

the Bavarian pretzel, Denver omelets,

the double-double, the double down,

the triple-double, the double
dip, the daily double.

Saltwater taffying...

Basically, any skin-to-skin
contact is a no-no.

- Beth!
- Beth.

She's so funny. She's, like,
Marla Gibbs-level funny.

Shh! Listen up, listen up.
Hand goes up, mouth goes shut.

Toffler! Toffifay.

And toffee crunch.

Now, I just wanna say, I know that camp
is definitely all about having fun,

and I can whoop it up as
much as the next guy.

But this year, I'm Boys' Head Counselor,

which means that if I see some
unsanctioned camp activity,

I'm gonna have to report you.

But if I don't see it, then
as far as I'm concerned,

it didn't happen, if you're
picking up what I'm putting...

Sorry, Greg. Time's up.

Again, this time with the air horn.

She's hilariously funny.

It's very... She's very witty.

- It's a dry wit.
- It's a very dry wit, but it's very funny.

- Where was she even keeping the air horn?
- Yeah. I don't... I don't know.

- Did you hear that?
- Who is that?

Is that...

- Cool!
- I'm late.

Andy, so nice of you to grace
us with your presence.

You were supposed to be here a week ago!

Whatever. Smells weird. Who beefed?

Andy fuckin' Fleckner!

J. fuckin' J.

Ha! Nice lady-shorts, McKinley.

Yeah, I got 'em from your mom's dresser.

Oh!

Good one.

Hey, man. Don't make fun of
the guy who dresses my mom.

Oh, I'm sorry, man, I didn't realize you...

I thought your mom was
still dressing herself.

Hey.

All right, next thing. Poison ivy is real.

Mea culpa. Apparently there was a
piece in The Times about it...

Hey.

...and it seems that it is real.

Hey.

Hey, J.J., um, have you seen Donna Berman?

- No, I don't think she's here yet.
- Oh, okay. Ah, doesn't matter.

It's not a big deal at all. I was
just asking because we're dating.

So, I was just kind of
wondering where she was.

'Cause of... 'cause we're dating, so...
But it's not a big deal, so...

Hey, Mitch, I got an announcement to make.

Victor!

Settle down! Settle down, you scumbags!

"Scumbags"! Classic!

That's the stuff, Vic! That's
the stuff right there, Vic.

All right, okay. Tonight after lights
out, staff party at the Roundhouse.

And, you guys, hey, you guys. My
high school sweetheart, Shari,

is coming to the party tonight,
so just be cool, okay?

Yeah, everybody be cool. It's his
high school sweetheart, Shari.

Hey, would it be cool if I just stuck
my ding dong in Shari's ear like this?

Bonk, bonk, bonk!

Like, it was like, "Hey, my ding
dong's in your ear, Shari."

Come on, take
that in your ear, Shari.

Take my ding dong in your ear. Take
my ding dong in your ear, Shari.

Shari, take my ding dong in your ear.

- Take my ding dong, Shari.
- Come on.

- Leave him alone.
- Take my ding dong...

- Vic, come on!
- Okay!

- I was just joking around.
- You all right?

- What's his problem?
- You okay?

Anyways, staff party
tonight at the Roundhouse.

Oh, damn it!

I'm supposed to go to the Camp
Tigerclaw summer formal tonight

with my boyfriend Blake.

Camp Tigerclaw? Don't
you mean Camp Tiger Dick?

Those guys are prep school turkeys.
Skin it.

Katie, my Katie,
my beautiful Katie.

Why do you insist on slumming it
with those Camp Firewood stooges?

Stooges.

Good one, Blake.

Everyone at Camp Firewood
is definitely a stooge.

Why does she go to camp over there?
She's rich, like us.

She should go to camp on
the rich side of the lake.

We have Jet Skis! We
have veal scaloppini...

You watch your mouth, Graham.

That's my girlfriend you're talking about.

You're right. I'm... I'm sorry, chum.

I would like to offer a sincere
apology for what I said.

Apology accepted.

Thank you.

The buses! The buses!

"The buses! The buses!" Who
are you, Mitch, Tattoo?

That's Herv? Villechaize.

Have you seen that show?
All right, but let's go.

Campers are here.

Come on, come on! Let's go, let's go!

Come on. Good, there you go.

Come on, let's go!

Ugh, can you please help me?

You're gorgeous. I'm gonna miss you.
Oh, God.

Come here. I'm gonna miss this face.

Whoa! That is cool. Hey!
Are you excited?

Mmm, I wanna... I love you. The
eyeballs, let me kiss the eyeballs.

You're Bunk Three, and you're
with the Webelos in Camp Four.

So just go down there, past the canteen.
You'll see it.

I left some
condoms in the left pocket...

Excuse me, my good man.

Can you point me in the direction
of the camp radio station?

Uh, sorry, kid. We don't
have a camp radio station.

But it says here,

"Camp Firewood offers a state-of-the-art
ten-watt FM radio broadcasting facility."

Hey, J.J., do we have a
state-of-the-art broadcasting facility?

My dick is a state-of-the-art
broadcast facility.

Man, when did Katie Finnerty get hot?

Yeah, those mosquito bites have
turned into juicy tarantula bites.

And plus, someone gave her the
memo about losing the braces.

Yeah, well, send her a new memo.
To Katie, from Andy.

Re: Me being your boyfriend.

Hunker down for doinkage.

Nah, don't bother.

She's dating that douchebag from
Camp Tigerclaw across the lake.

Doesn't scare me. Check this out.

Katie! You gonna be around later?

- Um, yeah.
- Cool.

So am I.

That was weird.

She wants me.

Hey, Shannon! Adam!

Hey, buddy. What's your name?

- Kevin Appleblatt.
- Kevin Appleblatt.

Ah! You are in my bunk, Kevin Appleblatt.

What's wrong?

I don't know anybody. I
don't want to be here.

But look, no one really knows
anybody their first time at camp.

My first time here, I didn't
really want to be here, either.

But you know what?

By the end of the first day,
I made a ton of friends.

And I can honestly say,
eight summers later,

my camp friends are my best friends.

Look, you've already
made one friend, Kevin.

- Who?
- "Who?"

What are you, a barn owl?

Who? Hoo-hoo!

Me, that's who!

Hey, listen, why don't you put
your bag over in the bag pile?

- I'll see you in a bit.
- All right.

- Hey, Billy! What's up, man?
- Have fun, sweetie.

Bye, Dad. Bye, Amanda.

Hey, Cliff. Your
bunk is next to mine.

- Oh, sorry.
- It's okay.

- Hi.
- Hi!

- Um, do you want to put your bag there?
- It's... It's okay.

- You can put your bag there.
- Are you sure?

You know, I'm just gonna keep it.

Oh, okay.

Just keep it.

See ya.

Okay, Amy, you ready to
meet your other campers?

- Yeah, sure.
- It's so fun!

- Hello.
- Girls, how are you?

Baby, I am telling you, you
were a rocket pop last night.

I could have kept on slurping you.

Ew!

You weren't ew-ing me last night

when I was fondling those
big, fat knockers of yours.

Honk! Honk!

- Hey!
- There's campers!

Hey, Beth.

What?

I saw you and Mitch doing
a little Tune in Tokyo.

Yes, I spilled a little bit of
Tang on my shirt, so he was...

Beth, come on.

Are you gonna keep playing this game?
We all know about you and Mitch.

Are you serious? I thought
we were being so careful.

No! You can't keep secrets like
that at camp. It's like...

I would compare it to how, like,
everyone knows that, like,

me and Donna Berman are
boyfriend and girlfriend.

- You and Donna?
- Yeah.

Fun, popular, lovely...

- Yeah.
- Donna Berman?

- What?
- Statuesque.

Yes, Beth!

- Golden-toned...
- Yes.

Seemingly poreless skin Donna?

Yeah. What?

Nothing. That's wonderful.

- I believe you.
- Yeah, well...

I definitely believe you.

We hooked up at the end of last summer.

I've tried getting in touch
with her since then,

but it's been a little difficult,
just 'cause I think she's, like,

busy with babysitting and field
hockey and all that jazz.

But we're definitely a couple.
I can confirm that.

Well, just, you know, take it slow.
'Cause, you never know, you know?

You are hilarious, Beth.

- Is there gonna be lunch?
- Hey, you!

d We are the floppy twins! The
flippy, flappy, floppy twins! d

- d I'm floppy Milly d
- d I'm flippy Willy d

- d We look so cute d -
d And we act so silly d

d We are the floppy twins! d

- Welcome one...
- Welcome all...

To the Camp Firewood
Summer Theater program!

We are all so happy you are here.
But if you do want to stay here,

you're gonna have to use
a little bit of this.

A little bit of this. And
a whole lot of this.

That's right, that's your diaphragm.

And that's gonna allow you to
project your voice in the theater!

For those of you that don't know
us, I'm Susie and this is Ben.

Hi.

- I wear many hats.
- Mmm.

I'm the director slash
choreographer of the company.

And I am the executive producer
slash part-time producer

slash part-time costume designer
slash full-time fan of...

The American theater!

Now, I hear the rumor mill is abuzz.

There are a lot of people asking

whether or not Ben and
I are still a couple.

"Tell us, tell us! Are you still dating?
We all want to know. People are dying."

And the answer is...

Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!

A resounding a-yes.

Aw!

Ain't she something?

Oh, what did I just do there?

Oh, I guess I just turned
into a southern gentleman.

Oh,
Milly, where's my mint julep?

Every year, on the first day of camp,

the counselors perform a Broadway musicale.

And this year, we're presenting the
explosive Broadway hit, Electro-City!

Electro-City is the story of a young man
who moves from the country to the city

to become a Broadway star

and is immediately sent
to the electric chair

for a crime he did not commit.

Or did he?

- Oh.
- And one more thing!

To add a taste of authenticity,
we have been rehearsing all week

with a special guest director, Mr.
Claude Dumet.

Mr. Dumet played town crier slash
Uncle Pete slash background cop

in the first original touring
company of Electro-City,

so he knows all the choreography

because he either did it on
or backstage every night.

This is
a big deal, you guys.

Huh.

He is a card-carrying member...

of Actors' Equity.

Ladies and gentle-actors, I am so honored
to introduce you to the one, the only,

the incomparable Monsieur Claude Dumet.

Son of a bitch!

Are you okay?

What?

Genius.

The name is Claude Dumet.

And that may have seemed like
just light entertainment,

but in the business we call show,
that is what's known as mask work.

Oh, my God, that was so amazing!

That was awesome.

Next!

Oshy Oceanman, Bunk Two.

Hey, Neil, let's make a bet.
First one to get laid wins.

You're joking, right?

- What do you mean?
- I mean, you've already...

You've already made love,
like, 10,000 times, right?

'Course I have, Neil.

Hey, Tony Balogna, Bunk Seven. Okay.

Okay? I'm a fuck machine.

What are you looking at?

Listen, Neil, it'd be too clunky if I said,

"A bet to see who got laid
for the millionth time, me,

and/or who loses their virginity
for the first time, you."

Okay? I'm just trying to be
economical with my word choice, man.

You want to make a bet or not?

- Yeah. Yeah, no, I'm in. I'm in.
- Nine.

Shari's coming tonight, so I
mean, I think I have a shot.

Oh, Bunk Three. It's a good one.
Toilets work.

Who loses their virginity first, or
gets laid for the millionth time.

Okay.

- Are you ready? Let's do this!
- Let's do this!

Drumroll, please.

Ready? Here we go.

- Nice!
- High five!

Yes, man!

- New kid, wanna give it a shot?
- Oh, uh...

I don't know.

What? Speak up, Mumble Princess. You
sound like you were in a car accident.

I don't know how to play.

You don't...

Only dicksqueezes don't know how to play!

He called you dicksqueeze.

You see this little fuzzy thing?

You pick it up and you throw it.

Got it?

What's the objective?

The objective is to shut your
pie-hole and do it, penis face, okay?

Penis face.

You throw like a girl snake.

Which is a double suck, because it's
a girl and it doesn't have arms!

And it smells with its tongue.

Shut up, Kyle!

You're a pussy, Appleblatt.

You gonna cry? I think he's gonna cry.

- He's gonna cry!
- Where's your diaper, you little asshole?

- I fucking hate you!
- Yeah! Run, loser!

- Run!
- Pussy!

- Loser! Run!
- Piece of shnit!

What's wrong with Kevin?

He ran in the woods 'cause
he's a piece of shnit.

- Drew!
- What?

- Why do you have to...
- Because I want to!

What? I like
doing stuff like that!

Kevin. Kevin.

Come on. Come on, man.

Jesus. Kevin!

Kevin. Stop running, Kevin!

Kevin.

Kevin, stop! Just stop!
What are you running from?

I don't want to be here!

So that's what this is about.

Let me tell you a little story, Kevin.

Eight years ago today was my
first summer here at camp.

And guess what?

You also had a bully in your bunk?

Exactly. And guess what?

You had to beat him in a
fight to earn his respect?

Exactly. So you know what I did?

You challenged him to a fight?

Exactly. But not just any fight.

- A burp fight?
- Exactly.

So, can I give you a piece of advice?

I should challenge Drew to a burp
fight and if I win he'll respect me?

Exactly. Now, go on!

Go! Go!

Go on, boy.

Well, if ever there was
a camp radio station,

this was it.

It's a little threadbare, but it'll do.

Obviously, I'll handle
the morning show myself.

We'll walk that fine line between
cutting-edge irreverence

and trouble with the Federal
Communications Commission.

Yeah, I'm not particularly
worried about the FCC.

All right. Lunch is at noon.
Don't get electrocuted.

Arty Solomon here, alias the Beekeeper.

- Hey, Donna!
- Hi, Donna!

Oh, my God. Donna! You made it!

Yeah.

- God, you're here.
- Yeah.

I was, you know, worrying that
maybe you weren't gonna make it.

- Yeah, no, I made it.
- It's so great.

To just, like, see you, and
you know, like, face to face.

And hear you, you know, like,

smell your smell.

Oh, you're so sweet.

I notice your hair looks different.

- It's... it's wavy.
- Oh, I know, um...

I was just, like, you know,
why try to fight it? Right?

But I like it. I mean, it's really pretty.

- Oh, okay, cool. Thanks.
- Yeah.

- It's like, blah.
- Yeah.

- Your hair could look good, too.
- Could?

Yeah, you know, if you...
if you just... kinda...

- Yeah, that looks rad.
- Yeah? Oh, cool.

- Oh, and this would look good, too.
- Oh, okay.

- It's a puka shell necklace.
- Yeah?

- Do you like it?
- Yeah, I mean, I'd want to...

would want to look at it in
the mirror, but I think so.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- It looks really bangin' on your chest.
- Oh, awesome.

You're bangin', too. Just like, in general.

Aw.

Listen, um, Donna...

there's something I've been
meaning to tell you...

Oh, Coop, you know what?
It's just all so much.

And, could you hold that thought?
I just need time to decompress.

Yeah, sure. I'll hold it.

I'll hug it.

And kiss it.

It's just so good to, like,
see you again, you know?

d After all this time d

Oh. Ew.

So...

- All right, well.
- Yeah. Anyway.

- All right, I'll see you.
- Good to see you. You're my girlfriend.

Hey, Donna! Donna's here!

- We thought you weren't coming.
- We miss you.

- Oh, dude.
- You suck!

- Hey, Drew!
- Yeah?

I challenge you to a burp contest.

You realize I'm the fuckin'
burp king of Westchester?

Pick your soda.

- Rafi, call it out.
- Burpsmen, prepare your weapons.

Three rounds.

That's right! Bitchin'!

Appleblatt, burp when ready.

A big win for Drew that round. Round two.

I can smell it.

- Appleblatt?
- He's gonna win big time.

- Final round.
- He could do better.

Last chance, Kevin. Whatcha got?

Come on, Kevin!

You stink.

Give up now.

You're a glutton for punishment, Appledick.

Yeah!

I gotta hand it to you.

You're pretty brave to stand
up to Drew like that.

Thanks.

Sleep with your eyes open,
'cause I'm coming for you!

I'm the burp king of Westchester.

Yeah, this side's good.

Hey, check out this smooth move.

Hey, Katie.

Can you do this?

How crass.

That guttersnipe is doing
push-ups in front of Katie.

How does he keep his body so horizontal
when he's doing the push-up?

It's very easy. Any
novice crewsman can do it.

Clench the butt, keep the gut pulled in.

Perpendicularity is your friend.

I could muster a few of these myself.

Get off the deck, you halfwits,
before I put you there permanently!

Of course, Blake.

Oh. Hey, heard you went the distance
with Drew at the burp contest.

Yeah.

I lost pretty bad, but I'm
glad I stood up for myself.

So, you think you're gonna stick
around a little bit longer?

- Yeah.
- Cool.

Why does your hair look like that?

Oh, it's something my girlfriend did.

I think it's kind of
weird, but she likes it.

You know how it is. Woman's gotta have it.

Don't get carried away, Coop.

I think I know what I'm doing.

I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing.
But, uh... you're funny.

All right.

No, no. You listen to me.
We need more money!

Well, something has to change!

Do you know how much it
costs to run this camp?

No, no, no, sir. It's okay, no.

I... I wasn't threatening you.

I was just trying to explain that...
Don't...

No, no, no, don't hang up!
Don't hang up, please...

Hello? Hello?

Argh! God damn it!

Hey! Greg. I didn't see you there.

- Mitch, hi.
- What's up?

I was just eavesdropping. What's going on?
Everything all right?

Oh, yeah, I was just having a snack.
You know?

And I was on the phone, uh, with the, um...

the volleyball salesman.

You know, it's volleyball
season, and, uh...

I was trying to order
the nets and the balls

and he's jacking up the prices,

'cause, like I said,
it's volleyball season,

so that's the time when they
can do that, and, uh...

that's why I was a little bit angry and
I threw the lamp and then you came in.

So it was all mainly about
the volleyball nets.

How you doing?

- I'm good.
- Good.

- I'm great.
- Good.

- If there's anything I can do...
- You know what you can do, my man?

Go out there and make this
the best summer ever. Right?

Camp Firewood's an idea,
and all that I said.

Right? All the stuff.

- All right, Mitch.
- Good, good, good. Go have fun.

- All right.
- Okay, good to see you.

- All right.
- I'm going to eat some more.

- Okay.
- Yup.

Oh, God.

What have I done?

- That's the last barrel.
- Now let's get out of here.