Wellington Paranormal (2018–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - Time Cop - full transcript
One of the most common
questions I get asked a lot
about the paranormal division
is, uh, why do these cases keep
happening in Wellington specifically?
Uh, I believe that the
greater Wellington region,
including the Hutts ...
Both Lower and Upper ...
Are, uh, uniquely placed as a nexus
between, uh, other-worldly realms,
parallel dimensions and, uh,
time portals to the unknown.
Seems like a lot of realms
for just two officers
to look after, Sarge.
On the contrary
there, Officer Parker.
Officers Minogue and O'Leary have
covered these realms quite well.
Realms such as Naenae,
Tawa and, uh, Hataitai even.
Uh, I guess what I'm
trying to hint at, Sarge,
in a subtle way is that I'm really
keen to be used however you see fit.
Maybe I could become more of
a full-time paranormal officer
rather than on a
case-by-case basis.
Like, basically, I just
wanna get used by you.
completely.
- No, Parker.
- Oh.
Your place is on the street.
On that note, I have a
surprise for you. Come with me.
Sh!
Surprise.
Parker, meet your new
partner, Officer Sainsbury.
Right, you two, get acquainted.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Um...
Fair warning ... um, I've
had really bad experiences
with my partners in the past.
Oh, I think we're gonna
get on just great.
- Oh, no, I don't mean that.
- The rapport will be great.
I mean that they've all met
really untimely, horrific fates.
So, yeah...
Wait.
What?
- Seems a bit... Is that all right?
- Yeah, it's all right.
I had an eight-hour
nap last night.
- Eight hours?
- Mm.
That's not a nap;
That's sleeping.
No, I was on top of the
bed, so it was a nap.
- No, that's sleeping.
- It's about duration.
No, you have to be under the covers
for it to qualify as a sleep.
I stayed up late binge-watching that
latest Scandinavian crime drama.
- Eh?
- Willengong. Willengong?
Something. One of them.
Anyway, it's my favourite.
At the end, it turned out the killer
had multiple personality disorder.
- Hmm.
- At least, I think that was what
was going on. I couldn't
get the subtitles to work.
Why would you spend all of
your time watching something
- you can't understand?
- Well, it's to stay relevant.
Plus, I love posting
online reviews.
'Visually arresting
but deeply flawed.
'Couldn't understand a single thing
anybody was saying at any time.
'4.5 stars. Would watch again.'
I give this brand-new
patrol car four stars,
especially these wing mirrors.
Wait. Does something about
that look weird to you?
A really pale dude carrying
around a huge rock.
Go.
You guys don't see me much when
Minogue and O'Leary aren't around,
cos mostly what I do is quite
normal rather than paranormal.
But we've been called out cos we're
part of the Armed Offenders Squad.
Yeah. We've been given
these guns and...
I actually hate guns, but,
anyway, part of the job.
- Let's go, Shrewsbury.
- No, it's, uh...
It's Sainsbury, Parker.
Officer Sainsbury.
- Sainsbury. Oh, yeah.
- It's all good.
I haven't got a very good
track record with my partners,
mostly cos they end up dying on jobs
just like this. Anyway, let's go.
Yeah, Chelsea got decapitated,
which was a real shame, cos she
has such lovely auburn hair.
And then Reuben, he got
gutted from groin to sternum,
and it took him, like,
three hours to die.
Can we talk about
something else?
Hey, do you want one of my mum's
famous twisted toffee chews?
There you go.
Good evening, sir.
- Good evening.
- What have you got there?
- It's a rock.
How do you happen to be carrying
such a large, enormous rock?
- I do CrossFit on my days off.
- Are you OK?
Is that what happens
if you do CrossFit ...
A little bit crook-lookin'?
I don't feel anything.
- You do seem a little bit unwell.
- Is there anything...?
I mean, what have you
been up to tonight?
Can you tell us what you've
been doing with your rock?
I was just at a club,
enjoying some dubstep.
That'll be it. That'll drain
your will to live, mate.
What I am going to have
to ask you to do, sir ...
Just pop your rock down,
just because it could
be seen as a weapon
- I can't.
- You can do it.
- Yeah, you can do it.
- Come on!
Put it down. Yeah.
- Come on. Bend in the knees.
- Go deep.
- Yeah, good one. Come on.
- Yeah, you got this.
- Push it! Let's go!
- You got this.
You go.
- Yeah.
- OK. OK.
- Yeah, really good.
- That's good now, isn't it?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Suspect is attempting
to escape into the sky.
- Grab him, Minogue.
- Oh!
Sir, you're resisting
arrest by floating.
I'm not resisting anything.
- Yeah, you need to come down, sir.
- I told you. I did say.
- Grab on to this rock, I think.
- Yeah.
- Give me the rock.
- Just hold on to the rock, please.
- Hold on to this, OK?
- Oh...
Hold on to that. That's good.
Hey, uh, who's been
messing with my map?
Where's the toffee?
I just put it in my pocket
to save it for later.
I didn't want it to
get stuck in my teeth.
Oh, you don't need to be
self-conscious around me.
We're partners now. Let's go.
Remind me to tell you about the
time that I got alien juice on me
and I went completely invisible.
Shots fired. Officer
Sainsbury requesting backup.
And Officer Parker requesting
that that backup is urgent.
We can relax.
It's just a rooftop sniper.
It's all good.
So, it appears our victim has lost
the ability to stand on his feet.
- My soul has been taken.
Minogue! Minogue!
- - Stop! Police!
- The wing mirror's off.
What happened to respecting
police property, O'Leary?
OK, Minogue, I think
we've gotta split up, OK?
You take the van; I'll go see
what's going on over there.
No way. As soon as people split
up in the movies, someone dies.
- It's, like, a rule.
- Look, we're not gonna die.
- Well, how do you know?
- This could be the season finale.
Do you guys know what episode this
is? Is this the season finale?
- Look, don't talk to them.
- This is a documentary, OK?
- Look, we're splitting up. Go.
Licence and
registration, please!
- Just stay here. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Evading arrest.
Whoa! Help me.
So, it seems the source of the
screaming is actually coming from
a spirited music recital, but also
this man who seems quite distressed,
and this group of very
enthusiastic young women.
- You need to stop that, please, sir.
- I can't.
- Sir, I need you to stop that.
- I really, really, really, really,
really, really can't.
OK excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse
me Excuse I'm Back away please.
Look, sir, you know, resisting
a request is one step away from
resisting arrest,
OK? You need to stop.
Believe me, I'm not getting
any enjoyment out of this.
- I'm gonna help you out, OK?
- I'm gonna help you out.
I'm just taking the
guitar. Thank you.
What the
hell is her problem?
Oh!
- The show is over.
- Thanks a lot
- Maybe I'm helping his time.
- Goodbye. Thank you. Thank you.
- !
- Goodnight. Goodnight. Goodnight.
- Thank you.
Obviously, policing carries with
it a large amount of respect,
um, you know, mana, and the general
public really respect respect.
- . .
- You OK?
- No.
So, what we've got here is a
guy driving 'erotically'...
Extremely 'erotically'.
This courier driver is riding
roughshod over the rules.
Ooh! And rubbish bins.
Well, this kind of reckless
disregard for public property
probably means that
they're intoxicated.
It's very strange for
Officer O'Leary and I
not to be on the same case,
but I think I'm going
pretty well without her.
Permission to turn on
the sirens, O'Leary.
She's not here.
Those are the window wipers.
Gotcha.
Just going into a dead end; Be
able to cut him off here.
Think Sarge'd be
pretty proud of me.
Uh, what we're witnessing here
is some kind of major
supernatural event.
There.
You missed it.
I believe they're trying to
send me some sort of message.
What it is, I have no idea.
- Wind down the window, please, sir.
Well, that'll explain the,
uh... The issue we've got here.
Driving without a head.
Can you turn down that
music, please, ma'am?
Can you turn down the music?
Just to your left a bit. Yep.
Down. Down.
No, no, that's the heater.
You must have a little
bit of muscle memory.
That's up. That's up.
That's too loud. The
opposite. Opposite.
Maybe you should get out of the...
Get out, and I'll sort it out.
She's pretending
she can't hear me.
Well, she probably
can't hear me.
She's got no head.
Yeah, so it turned out just to be
another standard gangland shootout.
So...
Oh! Something exciting happened.
Um, my partner, Officer
Savoury, he got injured.
Hey, no, I'm just looking
for the spare key.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- And also ... Sainsbury, not Savoury.
- OK.
Some work tensions going on.
But you've got to admit it's
a hard name to remember.
And you were injured.
What, I got a splinter
on a crate, so.
Yeah, but you can still die
from secondary infection.
I dunno. I was just trying
to add a few twists and turns
cos it's so boring around here.
You've lasted a lot longer
than some of my other partners.
- It's only been four hours.
- Yeah.
Anyway, we should probably
open this up, right?
- Yeah, let's do it.
How long have you had that? I just
spent an hour looking for the key.
It's... We like to play
pranks on the newbies.
- Oh no. I'm not new. I'm not new.
- I've been a cop for 10 years.
Yeah, says the guy that's
been looking for the key
- for the last hour.
- You got... Oh, you got me.
- I got him.
- I got you.
- You did. You did. I'll give it...
- I gotta hand it to you, yeah.
- I got him. I got him.
We should probably open
the boot, though, yeah.
- Yeah, we probably should, eh.
- Please be aliens. Please be aliens.
Please be aliens. Please be...
Oh!
Oh, it's just a hostage and a
oh, a whole bag of drugs.
So, we've found another
person who apparently claims
to have had their soul taken.
It's safe to say there is
a pattern emerging here.
Also, I found this
on the first victim,
which is a flyer
for a dubstep club.
And in law enforcement, we
refer to that as a clue.
So I think we just need to
question them a bit further.
Uh, guys, have you got any idea
who it was who took your souls?
Satan.
- Satan, OK.
And do you know why you
think he took your souls?
And was it potentially
so you could fly
and so you could become
some sort of a rock god?
Rock demon. But I didn't
know this would happen to me.
I've even grown a little tail.
Would it help if I showed you?
No, thank you. That's fine.
Um, so, basically, by
piecing together the evidence
and the, um, clues that
I've gathered as part of
a solid police investigation,
it's safe to deduce
that Satan is, in fact,
back in the Wellington region,
which is a little bit disturbing,
and he's obviously
up to no good.
So, I mean, I'd better
now, at this point of time,
you know, make my w
make my way to that
club as soon as possible
to make sure that no
other souls are taken.
- Are you OK? You right there?
- Yep.
You. It's you. It's your name.
Ah, tickles. Tickles.
Oh, it sounds like. Sounds like.
Sounds like bum, bottom.
Jonathan! Your name's Jonathan.
Fart! Fart!
Sounds like
smelly.
Jelly, Gelly, Helly, Welly,
Kelly, Selly. K-Kelly?
Kelly. Your name is Kelly. Yes!
So, uh, through using charades,
we have determined that
the victim's name is Kelly.
Um, we'll be writing
that down in my notebook.
And is that Kelly with
an 'I-E' or a 'Y'?
So, we found Gus here
in the boot of the car,
and as soon as we
freed him, he ran off,
and we had to do a big chase
around the shipping yard,
and it was all kind
of parkour and stuff.
But then as soon
as we tackled him,
Sainsbury and I did the 'good
cop, bad cop' routine with him,
and, um, Sainsbury was using
some pretty R16 language.
But then I offered him one
of my mum's toffee twists
and then complimented
him on his beanie,
and he broke down and
started crying and stuff.
- I wasn't crying.
- I've got a pollen allergy.
- You cried about it.
- It's all right to show
your emotion, mate.
It's all right.
You should show them
your 'bad cop' routine.
Tell us the
truth, smart-arse!
- Do you have to do that?
- I'm the victim here.
- Oh, sorry. Oh no.
- Oh, it's all right, mate.
- Of course, yeah, no, of course.
Yeah, he's the vic... He was the
hostage. It's all right, yeah, yeah.
- You were tied up and everything.
- Totally.
Hey, it's all right to talk
about your emotions, mate.
Don't... Don't you go;
You'll set me off too.
I've been showing a lot
of surprise recently.
I'm really surprised that
my partner's still alive.
Usually, they die in situations
eerily like this one.
And I feel nervous that you
keep bringing it up, so...
- Yeah.
- So stop it.
- So, how did you become a hostage?
- Uh... It's a long story.
Sort of something you fall
into rather than, like, pursue.
That's a lot like me being a
cop; I kind of fell into it.
- So I guess I kinda get it.
- You're doing great, though.
- I would say...
- No, no.
- Hey, take the compliment.
- But you can cry. You can cry.
- It's this thing about guys ...
Like, we just can't
take compliments.
- You're really good at your job, man.
- Thank you.
If I just lean back,
the tears won't.
No, let it out.
No, I don't want
the tears to spill.
- I don't want the tears to spill.
- It'll ruin his mascara.
Here we go.
You've actually got
quite a nice smile.
It's better. Gives me
something to talk to.
It's a bit weird
without the, uh, head.
Uh, Minogue, come in.
I think we're looking for Satan.
Do we have a description
of the suspect?
We've met him before. Large
horns and a scarlet complexion.
Legs are hooved in nature.
- Yeah, I've met him.
- Yeah, yeah. Mr Goatie.
Um, how are you going?
Yeah, going pretty well,
just assisting Kelly,
who I've ascertained has
lost her, um... her head.
She's lost her head.
OK.
So, that lovely suspect
gave us a tip-off
to another drug operation in
another abandoned yard, so...
- Are you all right, mate?
- You sound disappointed.
Look at yourself.
You're in the middle of an
international drug ring.
I know, but it's
not really my thing.
You gotta get out of that
headspace, all right,
cos you're more than
just a great cop.
- You think I'm a great cop?
- Yeah.
And you're a great partner too.
Really?
Oi, look at me.
The best I've ever had.
Let's go get these guys.
He probably shouldn't say
that, cos in the movies,
when they say you're
a great partner,
they usually end
up...
Oh God. There's lots of
shooting.
No!
So, we're here at the club.
We'll just see if we can
obtain a visual on, uh, Satan.
- Oh, nah, it's full.
- Don't I know you from somewhere?
Yeah, I was the regional
manager at the Tawa Mall ...
The 38th best in
the country, 1987.
Yeah, OK, well, I'm actually
here looking for Satan.
- Sorry, who's that?
- Satan. Have... you seen Satan?
- No, I don't know a Satan. Um...
- His name's on there.
- I know a Stan from Marton.
- That might be an old poster.
Wouldn't want you guys to
come down and, you know,
- burn in hell or anything.
- Did you just say 'burn in hell'?
In... lnel... Ineligible.
You're in hell... You're ineligible to
come down, uh, because you're not...
You're not members of the club.
I can sign you up right
now. It's very easy. Um...
We've just got... There's
this document here.
If you don't mind just signing...
just down the bottom there.
There we go. Got a
pen and everything.
- 'Above is binding.' How mu-?
- Do you know what? I'm the police,
so I'm just gonna go in and have
a look around, OK? Thank you.
Oh, but you're supposed to...
Just wondering if you had
a courier delivery today.
Yeah, we had a courier drop-off
today, but it was the wrong package.
Is this the courier driver?
Maybe. Can you take
the box off her head?
Does that help? Probably not.
Yeah, they had a head
when I saw them last.
Thanks very much.
That's actually really helpful,
because it means when you were here,
you still had your head.
Now all we have to do
is retrace your route,
and we'll find your head.
So we're just here
at the dubstep club
uh, the music's very loud.
It doesn't need to be quite this
level of volume in my opinion.
Um, just looking for Satan.
That's Satan.
Good evening Satan. We've
met before at the Tawa mall.
Why did you let her in?
Sorry.
Cup of virgin blood?
I'm not even going to ask
where you got that from.
Quiet. lan!
Sorry. Please don't punish
me unless you want to.
I'll just turn down the beat...
It's pretty full on.
We've got the same
playlist in hell.
Why am I not surprised?
- There we go. That's
better. And I'll just turn the lights...
It all comes from here.
It's quite a Bluetooth...
- It's one of those smart tablets.
- It's just the second one.
- Oh, that's better.
- There it is. That's cool.- There you go.
Right?
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
I'll just put some smoke out.
- It looks pretty cool.
- We don't need smoke.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It takes a
second just for the element
to warm up, but, yeah, worth
it. There's meant to be more.
Actually, let's get
on to the point, OK?
- OK.
- I've ascertained that you've been
- stealing souls tonight.
- OK, that's offensive.
Can you hold that, please?
You are profiling me right
now, and it is very unfair.
- In what way?
- I'm out there;
I'm doing deals; I'm a
dealmaker; I'm claiming souls.
How does that make you
feel? I'm out there, just...
- That or what you just said?
- Yeah. Mm.
- Both not that comfortable.
- OK.
And, end of the day, I'm
gonna have to ask you
- to return those souls.
- Look, they got what they desired.
- Ian here wanted to be famous.
- You didn't make me famous.
- Yes, I did.
- Look, you're on TV now.
Camera there, camera
there. You're welcome.
It's not my fault people don't
read the terms and conditions.
They just click 'accept'.
I'm innocent here.
OK, do you know what? There's
one thing I know about the devil,
and that is that you
enjoy a battle of skills.
A contest
of wits, you say?
- No, I said a battle of skills.
- Ooh!
Ooh, you're good.
Well, well... Let's dance.
Where's he gone?
Hi.
If you really want
those souls returned,
why don't you put your money where
your mouth is, Officer O'Leary?
So if I win, I get back all of the
souls that you claimed tonight.
- Mm-hm.
- I must warn you, though ...
I'm very good at poker. I've been
told I've got a killer poker face.
Everyone always picks poker.
Well, I'm also very
good at Guess Who?
The mystery face game?
OK.
- Ah.
- Guess Who?
Oh, actually, this is
a rip-off of that game.
It's... Who the Hell?
Sometimes a map is
just a regular map,
just a collection of
pins, no hidden messages.
And go!
Yeah.
Oh, well. Really thought
something was gonna hap...
Hey, something is happening!
Look, look, look, look, look! Yes!
Yes, I knew it.
And I get to crack this case all
by myself, just like the old days.
- Officer Strawberry!
- I will avenge your death.
- It's Sainsbury.
- Sainsbury?!
It's Sainsbury.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- I keep getting that wrong.
- It's OK. Look at me.
- Yeah?
I don't want you to avenge me.
I just want you to focus on
being the best cop you can be.
- Oh. OK.
- Fine. Fine. You can avenge me.
- I can?
- Yeah.
- OK, great. OK.
Code beige. Calling code beige.
Go, go, go! Move it! Go, go!
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Go, go! Go, go, go!
- Right.
- Are we good to play?
- We are playing!
- We've already started.
- Oh, it's my go. Sorry.
- Yes. You're starting.
OK!
Right.
- Are you a man or a woman?
- I find that offensive.
No, on the board.
Well, I still refuse
to answer that.
You refuse
the Lord of Lies?!
Yes.
You see, that was better, cos
that was a yes or no question.
OK.
Do you have glasses?
No.
- You knocked two down there.
- Hang on. Ahh!
Ian, can you help?
Claws are just a...
Sounds like
belly, tummy. Well, I don't know
how you can understand any of this.
Door!
Why didn't I think of 'door'?
- That annoying?
- No.
- It is.
O'Leary. What are
you doing here?
I'm just playing,
uh, Who the Hell?
Fair enough.
We're kind of doing
a thing right now.
Mr Satan, I'm actually
assisting Kelly here.
She's trying to find her head,
and we've tracked it down. The
last known premises is here.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- I think we've got that. Um...
- Lost property is just over... here.
About time you
turned up, you idiot.
She sold me her soul,
and in exchange,
- she wanted to lose 5 ugly kgs.
- Rude!
- That is really rude.
- I am the devil.
- I'm ready to guess.
OK.
You're Herman.
- Are you sure? You don't wanna...
- Herman.
- Think about it, because...
- Herman.
No!
Mm.
It's Attila the Hun.
I'm sorry. You lose.
Wrong guess.
Attila the Hun's not even one
of the cards. You cheated.
Yeah, of course I
cheated; I'm Satan.
I know that the devil is bound
by the rules of the game.
Really hoped you
didn't know that fact.
I'm in the police, so
rules are kind of my thing.
All right, O'Leary. You win.
But one day, the Abode of
the Damned will have its due.
It would appear that the, uh,
suspect has actually escaped
in a puff of disgusting,
sulphury-smelling sm... smoke.
Oh...
- Sorry. No, that's... I'm still here.
- Sorry. That was really...
I'm really embarrassed
about that, but, um... Oh...
Look, I'm gonna go.
But just remember, one of
you two is going to hell.
- Give us a clue.
- Nah.
Please?
- Oh...
- I can't tell you!
Aargh!
Satan!
I'm ready to face you!
Kua rite au kite
pakanga atu ki a koe!
Face me, for I am ready,
and I fear you not!
Uh, too late, Sarge.
- What?
- Too late.
Oh.
Uh, all right. Um...
Stand down.
That's a bit better. If I let
go, just stick it... Oh, damn it.
So, after a huge,
action-packed gun battle
that that cameras
didn't actually pick up
because their batteries
needed to be recharged,
it turns out that the drug
ring goes right to the top.
And so the parliamentary official
who was in charge of it all
actually turns out to be
the identical twin of
Officer Stainsbury.
That's him there.
His face has probably been
pixelated to protect his identity,
but his face is exactly like
this guy's face down here.
- You're alive!
- Yeah.
I thought you were dead.
I was just about to tell
them that you'd died.
No, of course I'm still alive.
I'm not ready to lose
my best partner ever.
- But how are you?
- Are you all right?
Yeah, I think something
must've caught the bullet.
- Oh my God.
That's Mum's toffee twist!
There's a twist that
nobody saw coming.
I almost die, and
you're cracking jokes.
I'm gonna have to
ask to be reassigned
- or I'm gonna die from laughter.
- Yeah.
He's such a...
Officer Sainsbury!
questions I get asked a lot
about the paranormal division
is, uh, why do these cases keep
happening in Wellington specifically?
Uh, I believe that the
greater Wellington region,
including the Hutts ...
Both Lower and Upper ...
Are, uh, uniquely placed as a nexus
between, uh, other-worldly realms,
parallel dimensions and, uh,
time portals to the unknown.
Seems like a lot of realms
for just two officers
to look after, Sarge.
On the contrary
there, Officer Parker.
Officers Minogue and O'Leary have
covered these realms quite well.
Realms such as Naenae,
Tawa and, uh, Hataitai even.
Uh, I guess what I'm
trying to hint at, Sarge,
in a subtle way is that I'm really
keen to be used however you see fit.
Maybe I could become more of
a full-time paranormal officer
rather than on a
case-by-case basis.
Like, basically, I just
wanna get used by you.
completely.
- No, Parker.
- Oh.
Your place is on the street.
On that note, I have a
surprise for you. Come with me.
Sh!
Surprise.
Parker, meet your new
partner, Officer Sainsbury.
Right, you two, get acquainted.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Um...
Fair warning ... um, I've
had really bad experiences
with my partners in the past.
Oh, I think we're gonna
get on just great.
- Oh, no, I don't mean that.
- The rapport will be great.
I mean that they've all met
really untimely, horrific fates.
So, yeah...
Wait.
What?
- Seems a bit... Is that all right?
- Yeah, it's all right.
I had an eight-hour
nap last night.
- Eight hours?
- Mm.
That's not a nap;
That's sleeping.
No, I was on top of the
bed, so it was a nap.
- No, that's sleeping.
- It's about duration.
No, you have to be under the covers
for it to qualify as a sleep.
I stayed up late binge-watching that
latest Scandinavian crime drama.
- Eh?
- Willengong. Willengong?
Something. One of them.
Anyway, it's my favourite.
At the end, it turned out the killer
had multiple personality disorder.
- Hmm.
- At least, I think that was what
was going on. I couldn't
get the subtitles to work.
Why would you spend all of
your time watching something
- you can't understand?
- Well, it's to stay relevant.
Plus, I love posting
online reviews.
'Visually arresting
but deeply flawed.
'Couldn't understand a single thing
anybody was saying at any time.
'4.5 stars. Would watch again.'
I give this brand-new
patrol car four stars,
especially these wing mirrors.
Wait. Does something about
that look weird to you?
A really pale dude carrying
around a huge rock.
Go.
You guys don't see me much when
Minogue and O'Leary aren't around,
cos mostly what I do is quite
normal rather than paranormal.
But we've been called out cos we're
part of the Armed Offenders Squad.
Yeah. We've been given
these guns and...
I actually hate guns, but,
anyway, part of the job.
- Let's go, Shrewsbury.
- No, it's, uh...
It's Sainsbury, Parker.
Officer Sainsbury.
- Sainsbury. Oh, yeah.
- It's all good.
I haven't got a very good
track record with my partners,
mostly cos they end up dying on jobs
just like this. Anyway, let's go.
Yeah, Chelsea got decapitated,
which was a real shame, cos she
has such lovely auburn hair.
And then Reuben, he got
gutted from groin to sternum,
and it took him, like,
three hours to die.
Can we talk about
something else?
Hey, do you want one of my mum's
famous twisted toffee chews?
There you go.
Good evening, sir.
- Good evening.
- What have you got there?
- It's a rock.
How do you happen to be carrying
such a large, enormous rock?
- I do CrossFit on my days off.
- Are you OK?
Is that what happens
if you do CrossFit ...
A little bit crook-lookin'?
I don't feel anything.
- You do seem a little bit unwell.
- Is there anything...?
I mean, what have you
been up to tonight?
Can you tell us what you've
been doing with your rock?
I was just at a club,
enjoying some dubstep.
That'll be it. That'll drain
your will to live, mate.
What I am going to have
to ask you to do, sir ...
Just pop your rock down,
just because it could
be seen as a weapon
- I can't.
- You can do it.
- Yeah, you can do it.
- Come on!
Put it down. Yeah.
- Come on. Bend in the knees.
- Go deep.
- Yeah, good one. Come on.
- Yeah, you got this.
- Push it! Let's go!
- You got this.
You go.
- Yeah.
- OK. OK.
- Yeah, really good.
- That's good now, isn't it?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Suspect is attempting
to escape into the sky.
- Grab him, Minogue.
- Oh!
Sir, you're resisting
arrest by floating.
I'm not resisting anything.
- Yeah, you need to come down, sir.
- I told you. I did say.
- Grab on to this rock, I think.
- Yeah.
- Give me the rock.
- Just hold on to the rock, please.
- Hold on to this, OK?
- Oh...
Hold on to that. That's good.
Hey, uh, who's been
messing with my map?
Where's the toffee?
I just put it in my pocket
to save it for later.
I didn't want it to
get stuck in my teeth.
Oh, you don't need to be
self-conscious around me.
We're partners now. Let's go.
Remind me to tell you about the
time that I got alien juice on me
and I went completely invisible.
Shots fired. Officer
Sainsbury requesting backup.
And Officer Parker requesting
that that backup is urgent.
We can relax.
It's just a rooftop sniper.
It's all good.
So, it appears our victim has lost
the ability to stand on his feet.
- My soul has been taken.
Minogue! Minogue!
- - Stop! Police!
- The wing mirror's off.
What happened to respecting
police property, O'Leary?
OK, Minogue, I think
we've gotta split up, OK?
You take the van; I'll go see
what's going on over there.
No way. As soon as people split
up in the movies, someone dies.
- It's, like, a rule.
- Look, we're not gonna die.
- Well, how do you know?
- This could be the season finale.
Do you guys know what episode this
is? Is this the season finale?
- Look, don't talk to them.
- This is a documentary, OK?
- Look, we're splitting up. Go.
Licence and
registration, please!
- Just stay here. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Evading arrest.
Whoa! Help me.
So, it seems the source of the
screaming is actually coming from
a spirited music recital, but also
this man who seems quite distressed,
and this group of very
enthusiastic young women.
- You need to stop that, please, sir.
- I can't.
- Sir, I need you to stop that.
- I really, really, really, really,
really, really can't.
OK excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse
me Excuse I'm Back away please.
Look, sir, you know, resisting
a request is one step away from
resisting arrest,
OK? You need to stop.
Believe me, I'm not getting
any enjoyment out of this.
- I'm gonna help you out, OK?
- I'm gonna help you out.
I'm just taking the
guitar. Thank you.
What the
hell is her problem?
Oh!
- The show is over.
- Thanks a lot
- Maybe I'm helping his time.
- Goodbye. Thank you. Thank you.
- !
- Goodnight. Goodnight. Goodnight.
- Thank you.
Obviously, policing carries with
it a large amount of respect,
um, you know, mana, and the general
public really respect respect.
- . .
- You OK?
- No.
So, what we've got here is a
guy driving 'erotically'...
Extremely 'erotically'.
This courier driver is riding
roughshod over the rules.
Ooh! And rubbish bins.
Well, this kind of reckless
disregard for public property
probably means that
they're intoxicated.
It's very strange for
Officer O'Leary and I
not to be on the same case,
but I think I'm going
pretty well without her.
Permission to turn on
the sirens, O'Leary.
She's not here.
Those are the window wipers.
Gotcha.
Just going into a dead end; Be
able to cut him off here.
Think Sarge'd be
pretty proud of me.
Uh, what we're witnessing here
is some kind of major
supernatural event.
There.
You missed it.
I believe they're trying to
send me some sort of message.
What it is, I have no idea.
- Wind down the window, please, sir.
Well, that'll explain the,
uh... The issue we've got here.
Driving without a head.
Can you turn down that
music, please, ma'am?
Can you turn down the music?
Just to your left a bit. Yep.
Down. Down.
No, no, that's the heater.
You must have a little
bit of muscle memory.
That's up. That's up.
That's too loud. The
opposite. Opposite.
Maybe you should get out of the...
Get out, and I'll sort it out.
She's pretending
she can't hear me.
Well, she probably
can't hear me.
She's got no head.
Yeah, so it turned out just to be
another standard gangland shootout.
So...
Oh! Something exciting happened.
Um, my partner, Officer
Savoury, he got injured.
Hey, no, I'm just looking
for the spare key.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- And also ... Sainsbury, not Savoury.
- OK.
Some work tensions going on.
But you've got to admit it's
a hard name to remember.
And you were injured.
What, I got a splinter
on a crate, so.
Yeah, but you can still die
from secondary infection.
I dunno. I was just trying
to add a few twists and turns
cos it's so boring around here.
You've lasted a lot longer
than some of my other partners.
- It's only been four hours.
- Yeah.
Anyway, we should probably
open this up, right?
- Yeah, let's do it.
How long have you had that? I just
spent an hour looking for the key.
It's... We like to play
pranks on the newbies.
- Oh no. I'm not new. I'm not new.
- I've been a cop for 10 years.
Yeah, says the guy that's
been looking for the key
- for the last hour.
- You got... Oh, you got me.
- I got him.
- I got you.
- You did. You did. I'll give it...
- I gotta hand it to you, yeah.
- I got him. I got him.
We should probably open
the boot, though, yeah.
- Yeah, we probably should, eh.
- Please be aliens. Please be aliens.
Please be aliens. Please be...
Oh!
Oh, it's just a hostage and a
oh, a whole bag of drugs.
So, we've found another
person who apparently claims
to have had their soul taken.
It's safe to say there is
a pattern emerging here.
Also, I found this
on the first victim,
which is a flyer
for a dubstep club.
And in law enforcement, we
refer to that as a clue.
So I think we just need to
question them a bit further.
Uh, guys, have you got any idea
who it was who took your souls?
Satan.
- Satan, OK.
And do you know why you
think he took your souls?
And was it potentially
so you could fly
and so you could become
some sort of a rock god?
Rock demon. But I didn't
know this would happen to me.
I've even grown a little tail.
Would it help if I showed you?
No, thank you. That's fine.
Um, so, basically, by
piecing together the evidence
and the, um, clues that
I've gathered as part of
a solid police investigation,
it's safe to deduce
that Satan is, in fact,
back in the Wellington region,
which is a little bit disturbing,
and he's obviously
up to no good.
So, I mean, I'd better
now, at this point of time,
you know, make my w
make my way to that
club as soon as possible
to make sure that no
other souls are taken.
- Are you OK? You right there?
- Yep.
You. It's you. It's your name.
Ah, tickles. Tickles.
Oh, it sounds like. Sounds like.
Sounds like bum, bottom.
Jonathan! Your name's Jonathan.
Fart! Fart!
Sounds like
smelly.
Jelly, Gelly, Helly, Welly,
Kelly, Selly. K-Kelly?
Kelly. Your name is Kelly. Yes!
So, uh, through using charades,
we have determined that
the victim's name is Kelly.
Um, we'll be writing
that down in my notebook.
And is that Kelly with
an 'I-E' or a 'Y'?
So, we found Gus here
in the boot of the car,
and as soon as we
freed him, he ran off,
and we had to do a big chase
around the shipping yard,
and it was all kind
of parkour and stuff.
But then as soon
as we tackled him,
Sainsbury and I did the 'good
cop, bad cop' routine with him,
and, um, Sainsbury was using
some pretty R16 language.
But then I offered him one
of my mum's toffee twists
and then complimented
him on his beanie,
and he broke down and
started crying and stuff.
- I wasn't crying.
- I've got a pollen allergy.
- You cried about it.
- It's all right to show
your emotion, mate.
It's all right.
You should show them
your 'bad cop' routine.
Tell us the
truth, smart-arse!
- Do you have to do that?
- I'm the victim here.
- Oh, sorry. Oh no.
- Oh, it's all right, mate.
- Of course, yeah, no, of course.
Yeah, he's the vic... He was the
hostage. It's all right, yeah, yeah.
- You were tied up and everything.
- Totally.
Hey, it's all right to talk
about your emotions, mate.
Don't... Don't you go;
You'll set me off too.
I've been showing a lot
of surprise recently.
I'm really surprised that
my partner's still alive.
Usually, they die in situations
eerily like this one.
And I feel nervous that you
keep bringing it up, so...
- Yeah.
- So stop it.
- So, how did you become a hostage?
- Uh... It's a long story.
Sort of something you fall
into rather than, like, pursue.
That's a lot like me being a
cop; I kind of fell into it.
- So I guess I kinda get it.
- You're doing great, though.
- I would say...
- No, no.
- Hey, take the compliment.
- But you can cry. You can cry.
- It's this thing about guys ...
Like, we just can't
take compliments.
- You're really good at your job, man.
- Thank you.
If I just lean back,
the tears won't.
No, let it out.
No, I don't want
the tears to spill.
- I don't want the tears to spill.
- It'll ruin his mascara.
Here we go.
You've actually got
quite a nice smile.
It's better. Gives me
something to talk to.
It's a bit weird
without the, uh, head.
Uh, Minogue, come in.
I think we're looking for Satan.
Do we have a description
of the suspect?
We've met him before. Large
horns and a scarlet complexion.
Legs are hooved in nature.
- Yeah, I've met him.
- Yeah, yeah. Mr Goatie.
Um, how are you going?
Yeah, going pretty well,
just assisting Kelly,
who I've ascertained has
lost her, um... her head.
She's lost her head.
OK.
So, that lovely suspect
gave us a tip-off
to another drug operation in
another abandoned yard, so...
- Are you all right, mate?
- You sound disappointed.
Look at yourself.
You're in the middle of an
international drug ring.
I know, but it's
not really my thing.
You gotta get out of that
headspace, all right,
cos you're more than
just a great cop.
- You think I'm a great cop?
- Yeah.
And you're a great partner too.
Really?
Oi, look at me.
The best I've ever had.
Let's go get these guys.
He probably shouldn't say
that, cos in the movies,
when they say you're
a great partner,
they usually end
up...
Oh God. There's lots of
shooting.
No!
So, we're here at the club.
We'll just see if we can
obtain a visual on, uh, Satan.
- Oh, nah, it's full.
- Don't I know you from somewhere?
Yeah, I was the regional
manager at the Tawa Mall ...
The 38th best in
the country, 1987.
Yeah, OK, well, I'm actually
here looking for Satan.
- Sorry, who's that?
- Satan. Have... you seen Satan?
- No, I don't know a Satan. Um...
- His name's on there.
- I know a Stan from Marton.
- That might be an old poster.
Wouldn't want you guys to
come down and, you know,
- burn in hell or anything.
- Did you just say 'burn in hell'?
In... lnel... Ineligible.
You're in hell... You're ineligible to
come down, uh, because you're not...
You're not members of the club.
I can sign you up right
now. It's very easy. Um...
We've just got... There's
this document here.
If you don't mind just signing...
just down the bottom there.
There we go. Got a
pen and everything.
- 'Above is binding.' How mu-?
- Do you know what? I'm the police,
so I'm just gonna go in and have
a look around, OK? Thank you.
Oh, but you're supposed to...
Just wondering if you had
a courier delivery today.
Yeah, we had a courier drop-off
today, but it was the wrong package.
Is this the courier driver?
Maybe. Can you take
the box off her head?
Does that help? Probably not.
Yeah, they had a head
when I saw them last.
Thanks very much.
That's actually really helpful,
because it means when you were here,
you still had your head.
Now all we have to do
is retrace your route,
and we'll find your head.
So we're just here
at the dubstep club
uh, the music's very loud.
It doesn't need to be quite this
level of volume in my opinion.
Um, just looking for Satan.
That's Satan.
Good evening Satan. We've
met before at the Tawa mall.
Why did you let her in?
Sorry.
Cup of virgin blood?
I'm not even going to ask
where you got that from.
Quiet. lan!
Sorry. Please don't punish
me unless you want to.
I'll just turn down the beat...
It's pretty full on.
We've got the same
playlist in hell.
Why am I not surprised?
- There we go. That's
better. And I'll just turn the lights...
It all comes from here.
It's quite a Bluetooth...
- It's one of those smart tablets.
- It's just the second one.
- Oh, that's better.
- There it is. That's cool.- There you go.
Right?
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
I'll just put some smoke out.
- It looks pretty cool.
- We don't need smoke.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It takes a
second just for the element
to warm up, but, yeah, worth
it. There's meant to be more.
Actually, let's get
on to the point, OK?
- OK.
- I've ascertained that you've been
- stealing souls tonight.
- OK, that's offensive.
Can you hold that, please?
You are profiling me right
now, and it is very unfair.
- In what way?
- I'm out there;
I'm doing deals; I'm a
dealmaker; I'm claiming souls.
How does that make you
feel? I'm out there, just...
- That or what you just said?
- Yeah. Mm.
- Both not that comfortable.
- OK.
And, end of the day, I'm
gonna have to ask you
- to return those souls.
- Look, they got what they desired.
- Ian here wanted to be famous.
- You didn't make me famous.
- Yes, I did.
- Look, you're on TV now.
Camera there, camera
there. You're welcome.
It's not my fault people don't
read the terms and conditions.
They just click 'accept'.
I'm innocent here.
OK, do you know what? There's
one thing I know about the devil,
and that is that you
enjoy a battle of skills.
A contest
of wits, you say?
- No, I said a battle of skills.
- Ooh!
Ooh, you're good.
Well, well... Let's dance.
Where's he gone?
Hi.
If you really want
those souls returned,
why don't you put your money where
your mouth is, Officer O'Leary?
So if I win, I get back all of the
souls that you claimed tonight.
- Mm-hm.
- I must warn you, though ...
I'm very good at poker. I've been
told I've got a killer poker face.
Everyone always picks poker.
Well, I'm also very
good at Guess Who?
The mystery face game?
OK.
- Ah.
- Guess Who?
Oh, actually, this is
a rip-off of that game.
It's... Who the Hell?
Sometimes a map is
just a regular map,
just a collection of
pins, no hidden messages.
And go!
Yeah.
Oh, well. Really thought
something was gonna hap...
Hey, something is happening!
Look, look, look, look, look! Yes!
Yes, I knew it.
And I get to crack this case all
by myself, just like the old days.
- Officer Strawberry!
- I will avenge your death.
- It's Sainsbury.
- Sainsbury?!
It's Sainsbury.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- I keep getting that wrong.
- It's OK. Look at me.
- Yeah?
I don't want you to avenge me.
I just want you to focus on
being the best cop you can be.
- Oh. OK.
- Fine. Fine. You can avenge me.
- I can?
- Yeah.
- OK, great. OK.
Code beige. Calling code beige.
Go, go, go! Move it! Go, go!
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Go, go! Go, go, go!
- Right.
- Are we good to play?
- We are playing!
- We've already started.
- Oh, it's my go. Sorry.
- Yes. You're starting.
OK!
Right.
- Are you a man or a woman?
- I find that offensive.
No, on the board.
Well, I still refuse
to answer that.
You refuse
the Lord of Lies?!
Yes.
You see, that was better, cos
that was a yes or no question.
OK.
Do you have glasses?
No.
- You knocked two down there.
- Hang on. Ahh!
Ian, can you help?
Claws are just a...
Sounds like
belly, tummy. Well, I don't know
how you can understand any of this.
Door!
Why didn't I think of 'door'?
- That annoying?
- No.
- It is.
O'Leary. What are
you doing here?
I'm just playing,
uh, Who the Hell?
Fair enough.
We're kind of doing
a thing right now.
Mr Satan, I'm actually
assisting Kelly here.
She's trying to find her head,
and we've tracked it down. The
last known premises is here.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- I think we've got that. Um...
- Lost property is just over... here.
About time you
turned up, you idiot.
She sold me her soul,
and in exchange,
- she wanted to lose 5 ugly kgs.
- Rude!
- That is really rude.
- I am the devil.
- I'm ready to guess.
OK.
You're Herman.
- Are you sure? You don't wanna...
- Herman.
- Think about it, because...
- Herman.
No!
Mm.
It's Attila the Hun.
I'm sorry. You lose.
Wrong guess.
Attila the Hun's not even one
of the cards. You cheated.
Yeah, of course I
cheated; I'm Satan.
I know that the devil is bound
by the rules of the game.
Really hoped you
didn't know that fact.
I'm in the police, so
rules are kind of my thing.
All right, O'Leary. You win.
But one day, the Abode of
the Damned will have its due.
It would appear that the, uh,
suspect has actually escaped
in a puff of disgusting,
sulphury-smelling sm... smoke.
Oh...
- Sorry. No, that's... I'm still here.
- Sorry. That was really...
I'm really embarrassed
about that, but, um... Oh...
Look, I'm gonna go.
But just remember, one of
you two is going to hell.
- Give us a clue.
- Nah.
Please?
- Oh...
- I can't tell you!
Aargh!
Satan!
I'm ready to face you!
Kua rite au kite
pakanga atu ki a koe!
Face me, for I am ready,
and I fear you not!
Uh, too late, Sarge.
- What?
- Too late.
Oh.
Uh, all right. Um...
Stand down.
That's a bit better. If I let
go, just stick it... Oh, damn it.
So, after a huge,
action-packed gun battle
that that cameras
didn't actually pick up
because their batteries
needed to be recharged,
it turns out that the drug
ring goes right to the top.
And so the parliamentary official
who was in charge of it all
actually turns out to be
the identical twin of
Officer Stainsbury.
That's him there.
His face has probably been
pixelated to protect his identity,
but his face is exactly like
this guy's face down here.
- You're alive!
- Yeah.
I thought you were dead.
I was just about to tell
them that you'd died.
No, of course I'm still alive.
I'm not ready to lose
my best partner ever.
- But how are you?
- Are you all right?
Yeah, I think something
must've caught the bullet.
- Oh my God.
That's Mum's toffee twist!
There's a twist that
nobody saw coming.
I almost die, and
you're cracking jokes.
I'm gonna have to
ask to be reassigned
- or I'm gonna die from laughter.
- Yeah.
He's such a...
Officer Sainsbury!