Wellington Paranormal (2018–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - Three Cops, One Night - full transcript
Please excuse the construction
noises going on. Uh,
the station is having
super-fast broadband installed.
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
Great news. Um,
now, on to a more
serious matter.
We all value ourselves as police.
It's not easy. We get up in the...
We get up in the morning...
And that ... that is probably the
most important thing I've ever said
to any of you.
- Yes.
- Uh, sorry. Apologies, Sarge.
It's getting increasingly
hard to follow this briefing
due to the continual
audio interference.
Um, how long is the
construction going to take?
- Well, that depends, O'Leary.
- How long is a piece of string?
Ah. Well, that depends, Sarge.
B e ca u 5e
later that same day I
maybe twice around
that finger, so.
You know what?
I'm gonna go get this sorted
out, all right? Now, dismissed.
So, here we are in the basement,
AKA the bowels of the station.
We're just gonna have a word
to the construction guys
and see if we can't come up
with some kind of compromise.
Morning, fullas.
I thought you guys were
working this whole time.
Yeah, we have been.
Do your jackhammers have
to go during your breaks?
Find the sound quite soothing.
Hey, guys! Look at this!
Oh, yeah. There's
something weird down there.
- Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Minogue! Health and Safety!
Look.
It's a gravestone.
Here's another one. It says,
'In memory of Joan Richwhite.'
This one says, 'In memory
of William Whiting.'
John 'Whitey' Whiteman.
Well, if I'm not mistaken.
This very station is built on
a Pakeha burial ground,
or a resting place
for Caucasian people.
I'm just trying to work
out the weather forecast,
because I left my washing on
the line, and I really need
my sheets to be dry
when I get home tonight,
but I can't work out how
to connect to the internet.
'You will diet...
'O-night.'
- Hang on.
- You will die tonight.
Now I just have to
work out the password.
Nah, password is not 'password'.
Yes!
Cracked it.
Password is 'password2'.
Hey, Dan.
Password is 'password2'.
King
Jane. Password is 'password2'.
Stella. Stella.
- Stella.
- Yep.
Tell Jane the password
is 'password2'.
Stella is annoyed at me,
because I stole her cup.
'I am the law, ' which is
technically not true, really.
We are the law. There's
about 4000 of us.
So, I'm just doing a bit
of police admin. I mean,
it's not paranormal, obviously,
but it's a really
important part of the job.
And it's...
Says it needs more blood.
I mean surely it
just means magenta.
Whoa. Minogue, what is it?
I was just watching a video
for work purposes, and look.
Oh, that's cute.
- Why is this for work purposes?
- Well, wait for it.
Is it supposed to do that?
Is it?
Oh, candlestick.
Um, samurai swords.
Probably once a year,
it's my responsibility
just to go through all the
paraphernalia and weaponry
that we've confiscated from
criminals that we've arrested,
and then sell it online.
OK, so 10 bucks,
10 bucks, 10 bucks,
10 bucks. 10 bucks each or, um,
40 for four.
Um, for example these binoculars
we took from a peep...
A notorious peeping
tom. Um, so, yeah.
So, if you're interested
in binoculars,
make sure you put
in a bid on 'em.
Um, they're really good
for peeping, apparently.
This one here we took from, like,
a really dodgy. Um, motel owner.
Here's the bach.
Pohutukawa.
Yeah.
He's gone away for a
long time ... 18 months.
Uh, this one ... this
is, um, some golf clubs.
Uh, we've had this... I've been trying
to sell it for the last five years,
but people don't seem to
really be interested in it.
I think maybe because of the,
um, blood and the brain matter,
and there's a few, kind of, human
hairs on there. That's probably...
But, you know, you could clean it up
with, um, Spray and Wipe, no problem.
Ah, over here you've got
heaps of coke ... um, cocaine.
So maybe five bucks for that.
This... So this a
briefcase of $45,000. Um
maybe 30 grand.
Uh, yeah.
Uh, what else have we got?
So then Officer Minogue called
me over to his desk, um,
where he was watching
some cat videos.
- Work-related cat videos.
- Yep.
And then all of a sudden, this
ghost face came out of the screen
and screamed, 'It's not the heat
that gets you; It's the humidity.'
That's interesting. That's a
phrase that Pakeha love to say.
Well, to be fair, Sarge.
Ever since we uncovered
that Pakeha burial ground,
things have been
a bit off. I mean,
look at what the
photocopier produced.
That's awesome.
Go backwards.
I like it when he's
getting smaller.
- Can you make it dance?
- It's moving.
- Cool.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What does that say there? There.
It says, 'Time to die.'
- Sarge, it's me, Parker.
- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Everyone just stay still.
- Hopefully he'll just go away.
- Guys, I know you're in there.
- Please. I...
I've got to show you something.
- Guys?
- OK, let him in.
- What's the password?
- Oh, I don't know.
- Password2?
- He guessed it.
Guys, I've got to show you
something that's really freaky.
Here you go.
Oh, no. Sorry, that's my...
That's my Tinder.
Sorry.
Here we go. This one here.
I was taking some photos. Look.
Look at that. There's me and
a trike. And look what's...
- Can you see that behind?
- What?
Is that a trick of the light,
or is that a... is that...?
That's not a trick
of the light, Parker.
Hello.
Sgt Maaka speaking.
Oh, yes.
Yep.
OK.
- Who is it?
- Yeah, sure. I can do that.
YEP-
Sure, I'll... I'll let
them know. Thank you.
Who was it, Sarge?
Uh, it was a somewhat
ghoulish voice
telling me that we're
all going to die.
That's not even the scariest thing
that's happened to us today, right?
So, after much deliberation.
We have decided upon
two courses of action.
One, we could confront
these Pakeha spirits
who have escaped
into our station.
Or two, just leave the premises.
So we had a vote, and we've
decided to leave the premises.
Uh, also Parker
has to leave early,
because he's got choir
practice tonight.
Yeah.
I've got it every Tuesday and
Wednesday and Thursday nights.
It's really bucketing down out
there. I'm not keen to go out.
Uh, maybe we should stay.
- But what about the ghosts?
- Oh, yeah.
No, no. It's jammed.
The door is jammed.
Hey, look! The Pakeha spirits
have gotten into the circuitry.
They're in the Wi-Fi;
They're in the printer.
Pakeha will take over
everything given half a chance.
No offence.
Look.
Guys, they've even colonised
the vending machine.
OK. Looks like we're gonna have to
take the first course of action,
which is confront these ghosts
and maybe even talk to them.
- Is this free?
- Who knows?
They might even be friendly.
No, it's stolen, eh?
Stolen it.
So we are now actually in the,
um, police cleaning cupboard,
and we've decided what's essential
is that we attempt to communicate
- with the spirit.
- That's right.
And, uh, found this
police-issue Ouija board,
and that way we can use it to
attempt to interview the ghosts.
Spirits, if you are there,
please make your presence
or presences known.
- Present?
- Presence.
Oh, so you think they're like
the Ghost of Christmas Past
or something?
Ooh.
- Who's moving that?
- Oh.
It would appear that a ghost
is actually moving this.
Hey, hey.
It's attempting to
spell something out.
ALL: S, U, C.
It's attempting to
communicate with us.
What's it spelling?
Oh my goodness.
That is highly offensive! Eurgh!
You can't talk to
us like that, ghost.
We can't actually
repeat what it's saying,
because it's of quite a graphic
and highly offensive nature.
What a potty mouth.
Can we arrest a ghost for
talking to us like that, Sarge?
Can we unpack all of this
in a safe space, please?
I mean, what does it want?
Well, what do we know
about these old Pakeha?
The three of you are Pakeha.
What is the most common
complaint we get from old Pakeha?
They want people
off their property.
Sometimes it's not
even their property.
Like, sometimes it can be,
like, a park or a beach.
Like, 'Get the blimmin'
heck off my beach!'
- Yeah, that is so pakeha.
- Right.
They most like likely
want us off their land.
It's not really their
land, though, is it?
Yeah, well, that won't matter.
Shhh.
Do you want us to be quiet?
Yes.
Now, I think we can deduce that
there is a spirit in this lightbulb.
What's happening now?
Um, O'Leary,
unplug the modem, quick!
There's a spirit trapped inside.
- Get it, Sarge!
- Get it, Sarge!
- Go, Sarge. You got this!
- Secure it! Stop resisting!
That... that's assaulting
a police officer.
You have the right
to an attorney.
You OK, Sarge?
- We did it!
- We did it!
- We did it. Yaysies!
- We did it!
What's up, Sarge?
Well, I'm feeling
a fair bit parched
after that little tussle.
Excuse me?
Why don't we go out for a
few bevvies after this, eh?
I feel like it's beer o'clock
somewhere. Am I right?
- We've got work.
- Are you hard at work,
or are you hardly working, eh?
High five. High five!
Yeah... No. Almost. Almost.
Yep. Oh, no. We're gonna get it.
Yep, almost.
Ooh, ooh. Halfway there.
Halfway there. Yep.
- Another one.
- You've got to line the elbows up.
- Line the elbows up. Oh!
- We're gonna get it eventually.
That's a bit... Ah,
yeah. We got it! Yeah.
Victory dance.
Is it just me or does Sarge
seem particularly... pakeha?
Now I could be wrong, but it feels
like a fantabulous time for you
to die!
So what we deduce has happened
is that Sarge has been possessed
by one of the spirits released
from the Pakeha burial ground.
Which was uncovered in order
to get faster broadband Wi-Fi
in the station.
Guys, have you noticed that we've
been running past the same door
again and again?
See? Look.
That is a bit weird, isn't it?
That is a bit weird, isn't it?
See? Look.
That is a bit weird, isn't it?
It's like we're in the
Flintstones or something.
Parker? Parker!
- Are you possessed too?
- No, I'm just warming up
for my choir practice.
Now, guys, listen.
I know that it's, like, really
scary ... what we're going through
and stuff, but is there any
way we could speed it up?
Because I've got to get to
my choir practice tonight.
Yeah. Look, I don't
know, Parker, OK?
We're in a never-ending hallway
apparently, so, you know,
- we could be here forever.
- Mm.
Eurgh, yuck.
Ooh.
Ta-da!
Ha! Oh, guys, it's
a party in here.
Now, are you guys ready
for the Bogey Man?
You get it?
Sarge has been possessed by
someone making really bad jokes.
- He wouldn't actually like that.
- Hang on. What's he doing?
- Wait, wait. No.
- No.
That one was a bit high.
Hey, hey,
what did the cheese say
to itself in the mirror?
Hallou-mi.
Go, go, go!
Lights! Lights!
- Hey, where's Parker?
- Shh.
- Hey. Hey.
- Hey! Hey, maybe Sarge has got him.
You know, like in those movies
where one member of the group
disappears at a time?
It's always the chatty
one who goes first.
But Parker is pretty chatty.
OK, so stop chatting, then,
or you're gonna be next.
- Can you see him?
- Not yet.
Whoopsie-daisy!
Why is he yelling
'Whoopsie-daisy'?
He's so white.
It's embarrassing.
- O'Leary.
- What?
I think you're gonna
want to see this.
'You can't beat Wellington
on a good day, '
- over and over and over again.
- Well, he's not wrong.
Maybe if we work out who is
buried on this site here,
we can figure out a way to get
that ghost out of Sgt Maaka.
Whoa!
- Wow.
- It's the fibre connection.
- It's unbelievable.
- The internet is so fast ... so fast.
Eurgh.
- Don't like that.
- Certainly not optimal.
Can you make that thing
go a bit quieter, please?
Because Sarge is gonna hear us.
Well, you're the one who
wanted to print them.
Yeah, well I can't read
off a screen at night
- because it keeps me awake.
- The ghosts don't keep you awake?
No.
OK. So we've managed to
obtain some intel, um,
on who is buried in
the cemetery here.
Um one of the graves belongs
to a notorious criminal,
John 'Whitey' Whiteman, um,
AKA the Bogey Man.
Not the Boogie Man. Um,
actually, the Bogey Man.
The Bogey Person.
Bogey Person probably
is the best term.
Yeah, absolutely.
It says here that he, uh, became
homicidal after getting a bogey
on every single hole except for the
18th, where he got a double bogey.
This sent him into
a murderous rage.
He killed all of this golfing
buddies with a golf club.
You know, from our point of
view, if you're playing sport
and things aren't really
going your way, you know,
- just take a little time out.
- Mm. Absolutely.
I think what we need to
do now is, um, you know,
find out what his weakness is,
and potentially, we can use that
against him, um, to our advantage.
It says here he lost
because of his put-ting ...
- But put-ting what? And where?
- It's putting. It's a golfing term.
So it's when you use the little
stick to get the ball in the hole.
Oh, is it?
- Like mini golf?
- No, no. |t's...
Get away!
Here's Whitey!
Sarge, Sarge.
- Stop it, Sarge!
- You're scaring O'Leary.
- Oh, it's very splintery.
- What?!
This wood. This wood
is very splintery.
Go, go, go, go, go!
- Block the door! Block the door!
- It's so annoying.
Does anybody have any tweezers?
- Push!
- Hey! Hey!
- Shh.
- Ohh, gosh darn it.
Why the hell did you have
to go and do that for, eh?
I'm gonna call the cops.
What? No, but...
No, what are you...?
- Yeah. That's not gonna work...
- It's ringing! It's ringing!
Minogue!
Answerphone.
- Look!
- See the little door!
Come on. Go, go,
go! Quick! Come on!
- Come on! Come on!
- Get in!
- Get in there! Get in there!
- You're the smallest. Get in!
- Quick! Hurry up!
- It's too late for Kevin!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Yoo-hoo! Time to die!
Hello! Wonderful day, isn't it?
- Hurry up, Evan! Get in here!
- There's a door! A door!
Go through, through,
through! Faster! Faster!
- Hurry up! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
- Go! Go! Go!
You go! You go!
- Oh, this is weird.
- This is quite cool.
We're actually back in the
Paranormal office. Parker!
I told you it was
like the movies.
- He's dead, isn't he?
- He's still got a pulse!
Mouth-to-mouth ... I learnt
about that in the movies too.
- That was a CPR training video.
- Oh, yeah.
I wondered why the
performances were so wooden,
but I liked the happy ending.
No, it's my turn. It's my turn.
No, it's my turn. You did
that old lady at the mall.
- She died.
- Yeah,
- but that still counts as one.
- No, it doesn't. Anyway...
Just cos you were no good at it
doesn't mean it doesn't count.
You did it the other week
with that softball player.
Yeah, but that was the other
week, not the other day.
- No. No, it's not your turn.
- So it's my turn.
Well, you've got
the taser this week.
- Oh, goodness!
- Parker, you're alive!
- I'm so good at mouth-to-mouth.
- Oh, sorry, guys. It's...
Oh, sorry. |t's... When I get
stressed, um, I tend to fall asleep.
Just... It's not very good
when you're a cop, obviously.
I was just having
the worst dream!
There was this squid,
and I was married to it,
and we were living
in this aquarium.
But, I don't know, we
weren't that good, anyway!
Parker. OK. There's no time
for an explanation, OK?
We have got to get that
ghost out of Maaka stat.
- Is 'stat' short for...?
- It just means straightaway.
- Statistics, is it?
- No,
- straightaway. It means now.
- Statutory.
Like, they say it in
the medical thing.
So, we've come up with a
simple yet effective plan.
Uh, what we've done is
recreated the 18th hole
where John 'Whitey'
Whiteman lost.
Um, what we're hoping is that
Sarge, AKA John 'Whitey' Whiteman,
will come through those
doors, he'll see that putter,
and then put the ball
straight in the hole there.
He's gonna drill a bogey, uh,
then he's gonna find peace finally
- and, uh, go on to the next realm.
- Mm.
Guys, there are
so many variables.
I just don't know if the
whole thing will work out.
OK. Yep, we know
your reservations.
You've been grumbling about
this plan since the get-go.
Now it's just a game of
hide-and-seek, really.
It's wait-and-see.
Well, agree to disagree.
Hoo-hoo!
Say 'cheese'!
- Now, time for a silly one.
- What?
Oh, come on.
First you do a proper one,
and then you do a silly one.
That's the way it
works! Come on!
- Just do it.
- Come on!
Yes. Good. Great, good. Good.
And hold it. And... cheese!
And now
it's time to die!
Whitey! Whitey, wait!
Look. It's the green
on the 18th hole.
- What?!
- There's your putter.
- All you have to do is pick it up.
- And just get your bogey, buddy.
- Then you can be happy.
- Oh...
I see.
Great.
- That's it, mate. That's it, mate.
- You can do it.
- Line up the shot.
- Bit of encouragement, guys.
- OK, you can do it!
- Come on! Come on!
Quiet, please! Quiet, please.
No!
- What?!
- That was supposed to go in!
I guess I've got no other option
but to kill you all, just
like I did last time!
Yeah. Oh!
Oh! Oh, damn!
Oh, damn it!
I can't get any
purchase on the club.
I'll just have to call my chums.
Yoo-hoo!
It's very humid, isn't it?
- Oh, hello!
- It is muggy.
Oh no, not more Pakeha ghosts!
They're gonna colonise
the whole station.
- This is not your property!
- Get off my property.
- You shouldn't be on our property. Get off!
- No, you get off those bodies!
Those aren't your
bodies. Get out!
We're gonna call
the police on you.
Well, I am the police! We are the
police. Those are police bodies,
so why don't you vacate them and
get out of our police station?!
What was it you just
said to me, young chap?
You heard me, Pakeha. You and 5
your mates, get off my property!
- It's not your property!
- You wanna bet?
- OK. Here we go, Mr White-man.
- White-min.
- Uh, OK, Mr White-men.
- White-min.
OK, Mr White-man. OK.
If you just take note of the
official signature there,
- that is the signed part of the deed.
- Yes, I see.
Uh, so that would mean that
the Ministry of Corrections
owns all of this land
and out to the car park.
As is the pakeha way, to own the
land, you need a piece of paper.
Yes, OK. I overstayed
my welcome.
Goodbye to you all.
Haere ra, Pakeha.
All right. Quickly ...
Let's get this wrapped up.
Seal this lid.
Quick, get some of that
Selley's No-More-Gaps on there.
God, it's congealing already.
He's a ghost, though, guys. Won't
he just pass through the concrete?
- OK, guys. That's enough there.
- Come on. Let's wrap it up.
Here we go.
Water on you.
Uh, so, at the end of the
day, I don't actually remember
most of what happened, to be
honest, mainly due to the fact
that I was possessed by a
homicidal Pakeha spirit.
Oh, regardless, though, we're
just glad to have you back, Sarge.
Yeah, but what we're
most glad about is that
we've now got high-speed
internet in the police station.
I mean, I would even go so far
as to say this has all been
completely worth it.
What have we said about
making that noise, Parker?
- Oh. Sorry, guys.
- I'm just exercising my tool.
And my tool, in this
case, is my vocal folds.
Actually, do you guys want to come
to the Great Wellington Sing-Off?
I can get you
complimentary tickets.
- I'm gonna be away that day.
- I've got soccer practice.
Probably gonna feel
sick that night.
Oh. Well, hope you feel
better soon, Minogue.
- We'll come!
- I love getting on my knees for a good hymn!
We should all go.
Is it choir music? Oh, he
looks like a choir boy,
- doesn't he?
- He does.
noises going on. Uh,
the station is having
super-fast broadband installed.
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
Great news. Um,
now, on to a more
serious matter.
We all value ourselves as police.
It's not easy. We get up in the...
We get up in the morning...
And that ... that is probably the
most important thing I've ever said
to any of you.
- Yes.
- Uh, sorry. Apologies, Sarge.
It's getting increasingly
hard to follow this briefing
due to the continual
audio interference.
Um, how long is the
construction going to take?
- Well, that depends, O'Leary.
- How long is a piece of string?
Ah. Well, that depends, Sarge.
B e ca u 5e
later that same day I
maybe twice around
that finger, so.
You know what?
I'm gonna go get this sorted
out, all right? Now, dismissed.
So, here we are in the basement,
AKA the bowels of the station.
We're just gonna have a word
to the construction guys
and see if we can't come up
with some kind of compromise.
Morning, fullas.
I thought you guys were
working this whole time.
Yeah, we have been.
Do your jackhammers have
to go during your breaks?
Find the sound quite soothing.
Hey, guys! Look at this!
Oh, yeah. There's
something weird down there.
- Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Minogue! Health and Safety!
Look.
It's a gravestone.
Here's another one. It says,
'In memory of Joan Richwhite.'
This one says, 'In memory
of William Whiting.'
John 'Whitey' Whiteman.
Well, if I'm not mistaken.
This very station is built on
a Pakeha burial ground,
or a resting place
for Caucasian people.
I'm just trying to work
out the weather forecast,
because I left my washing on
the line, and I really need
my sheets to be dry
when I get home tonight,
but I can't work out how
to connect to the internet.
'You will diet...
'O-night.'
- Hang on.
- You will die tonight.
Now I just have to
work out the password.
Nah, password is not 'password'.
Yes!
Cracked it.
Password is 'password2'.
Hey, Dan.
Password is 'password2'.
King
Jane. Password is 'password2'.
Stella. Stella.
- Stella.
- Yep.
Tell Jane the password
is 'password2'.
Stella is annoyed at me,
because I stole her cup.
'I am the law, ' which is
technically not true, really.
We are the law. There's
about 4000 of us.
So, I'm just doing a bit
of police admin. I mean,
it's not paranormal, obviously,
but it's a really
important part of the job.
And it's...
Says it needs more blood.
I mean surely it
just means magenta.
Whoa. Minogue, what is it?
I was just watching a video
for work purposes, and look.
Oh, that's cute.
- Why is this for work purposes?
- Well, wait for it.
Is it supposed to do that?
Is it?
Oh, candlestick.
Um, samurai swords.
Probably once a year,
it's my responsibility
just to go through all the
paraphernalia and weaponry
that we've confiscated from
criminals that we've arrested,
and then sell it online.
OK, so 10 bucks,
10 bucks, 10 bucks,
10 bucks. 10 bucks each or, um,
40 for four.
Um, for example these binoculars
we took from a peep...
A notorious peeping
tom. Um, so, yeah.
So, if you're interested
in binoculars,
make sure you put
in a bid on 'em.
Um, they're really good
for peeping, apparently.
This one here we took from, like,
a really dodgy. Um, motel owner.
Here's the bach.
Pohutukawa.
Yeah.
He's gone away for a
long time ... 18 months.
Uh, this one ... this
is, um, some golf clubs.
Uh, we've had this... I've been trying
to sell it for the last five years,
but people don't seem to
really be interested in it.
I think maybe because of the,
um, blood and the brain matter,
and there's a few, kind of, human
hairs on there. That's probably...
But, you know, you could clean it up
with, um, Spray and Wipe, no problem.
Ah, over here you've got
heaps of coke ... um, cocaine.
So maybe five bucks for that.
This... So this a
briefcase of $45,000. Um
maybe 30 grand.
Uh, yeah.
Uh, what else have we got?
So then Officer Minogue called
me over to his desk, um,
where he was watching
some cat videos.
- Work-related cat videos.
- Yep.
And then all of a sudden, this
ghost face came out of the screen
and screamed, 'It's not the heat
that gets you; It's the humidity.'
That's interesting. That's a
phrase that Pakeha love to say.
Well, to be fair, Sarge.
Ever since we uncovered
that Pakeha burial ground,
things have been
a bit off. I mean,
look at what the
photocopier produced.
That's awesome.
Go backwards.
I like it when he's
getting smaller.
- Can you make it dance?
- It's moving.
- Cool.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What does that say there? There.
It says, 'Time to die.'
- Sarge, it's me, Parker.
- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Everyone just stay still.
- Hopefully he'll just go away.
- Guys, I know you're in there.
- Please. I...
I've got to show you something.
- Guys?
- OK, let him in.
- What's the password?
- Oh, I don't know.
- Password2?
- He guessed it.
Guys, I've got to show you
something that's really freaky.
Here you go.
Oh, no. Sorry, that's my...
That's my Tinder.
Sorry.
Here we go. This one here.
I was taking some photos. Look.
Look at that. There's me and
a trike. And look what's...
- Can you see that behind?
- What?
Is that a trick of the light,
or is that a... is that...?
That's not a trick
of the light, Parker.
Hello.
Sgt Maaka speaking.
Oh, yes.
Yep.
OK.
- Who is it?
- Yeah, sure. I can do that.
YEP-
Sure, I'll... I'll let
them know. Thank you.
Who was it, Sarge?
Uh, it was a somewhat
ghoulish voice
telling me that we're
all going to die.
That's not even the scariest thing
that's happened to us today, right?
So, after much deliberation.
We have decided upon
two courses of action.
One, we could confront
these Pakeha spirits
who have escaped
into our station.
Or two, just leave the premises.
So we had a vote, and we've
decided to leave the premises.
Uh, also Parker
has to leave early,
because he's got choir
practice tonight.
Yeah.
I've got it every Tuesday and
Wednesday and Thursday nights.
It's really bucketing down out
there. I'm not keen to go out.
Uh, maybe we should stay.
- But what about the ghosts?
- Oh, yeah.
No, no. It's jammed.
The door is jammed.
Hey, look! The Pakeha spirits
have gotten into the circuitry.
They're in the Wi-Fi;
They're in the printer.
Pakeha will take over
everything given half a chance.
No offence.
Look.
Guys, they've even colonised
the vending machine.
OK. Looks like we're gonna have to
take the first course of action,
which is confront these ghosts
and maybe even talk to them.
- Is this free?
- Who knows?
They might even be friendly.
No, it's stolen, eh?
Stolen it.
So we are now actually in the,
um, police cleaning cupboard,
and we've decided what's essential
is that we attempt to communicate
- with the spirit.
- That's right.
And, uh, found this
police-issue Ouija board,
and that way we can use it to
attempt to interview the ghosts.
Spirits, if you are there,
please make your presence
or presences known.
- Present?
- Presence.
Oh, so you think they're like
the Ghost of Christmas Past
or something?
Ooh.
- Who's moving that?
- Oh.
It would appear that a ghost
is actually moving this.
Hey, hey.
It's attempting to
spell something out.
ALL: S, U, C.
It's attempting to
communicate with us.
What's it spelling?
Oh my goodness.
That is highly offensive! Eurgh!
You can't talk to
us like that, ghost.
We can't actually
repeat what it's saying,
because it's of quite a graphic
and highly offensive nature.
What a potty mouth.
Can we arrest a ghost for
talking to us like that, Sarge?
Can we unpack all of this
in a safe space, please?
I mean, what does it want?
Well, what do we know
about these old Pakeha?
The three of you are Pakeha.
What is the most common
complaint we get from old Pakeha?
They want people
off their property.
Sometimes it's not
even their property.
Like, sometimes it can be,
like, a park or a beach.
Like, 'Get the blimmin'
heck off my beach!'
- Yeah, that is so pakeha.
- Right.
They most like likely
want us off their land.
It's not really their
land, though, is it?
Yeah, well, that won't matter.
Shhh.
Do you want us to be quiet?
Yes.
Now, I think we can deduce that
there is a spirit in this lightbulb.
What's happening now?
Um, O'Leary,
unplug the modem, quick!
There's a spirit trapped inside.
- Get it, Sarge!
- Get it, Sarge!
- Go, Sarge. You got this!
- Secure it! Stop resisting!
That... that's assaulting
a police officer.
You have the right
to an attorney.
You OK, Sarge?
- We did it!
- We did it!
- We did it. Yaysies!
- We did it!
What's up, Sarge?
Well, I'm feeling
a fair bit parched
after that little tussle.
Excuse me?
Why don't we go out for a
few bevvies after this, eh?
I feel like it's beer o'clock
somewhere. Am I right?
- We've got work.
- Are you hard at work,
or are you hardly working, eh?
High five. High five!
Yeah... No. Almost. Almost.
Yep. Oh, no. We're gonna get it.
Yep, almost.
Ooh, ooh. Halfway there.
Halfway there. Yep.
- Another one.
- You've got to line the elbows up.
- Line the elbows up. Oh!
- We're gonna get it eventually.
That's a bit... Ah,
yeah. We got it! Yeah.
Victory dance.
Is it just me or does Sarge
seem particularly... pakeha?
Now I could be wrong, but it feels
like a fantabulous time for you
to die!
So what we deduce has happened
is that Sarge has been possessed
by one of the spirits released
from the Pakeha burial ground.
Which was uncovered in order
to get faster broadband Wi-Fi
in the station.
Guys, have you noticed that we've
been running past the same door
again and again?
See? Look.
That is a bit weird, isn't it?
That is a bit weird, isn't it?
See? Look.
That is a bit weird, isn't it?
It's like we're in the
Flintstones or something.
Parker? Parker!
- Are you possessed too?
- No, I'm just warming up
for my choir practice.
Now, guys, listen.
I know that it's, like, really
scary ... what we're going through
and stuff, but is there any
way we could speed it up?
Because I've got to get to
my choir practice tonight.
Yeah. Look, I don't
know, Parker, OK?
We're in a never-ending hallway
apparently, so, you know,
- we could be here forever.
- Mm.
Eurgh, yuck.
Ooh.
Ta-da!
Ha! Oh, guys, it's
a party in here.
Now, are you guys ready
for the Bogey Man?
You get it?
Sarge has been possessed by
someone making really bad jokes.
- He wouldn't actually like that.
- Hang on. What's he doing?
- Wait, wait. No.
- No.
That one was a bit high.
Hey, hey,
what did the cheese say
to itself in the mirror?
Hallou-mi.
Go, go, go!
Lights! Lights!
- Hey, where's Parker?
- Shh.
- Hey. Hey.
- Hey! Hey, maybe Sarge has got him.
You know, like in those movies
where one member of the group
disappears at a time?
It's always the chatty
one who goes first.
But Parker is pretty chatty.
OK, so stop chatting, then,
or you're gonna be next.
- Can you see him?
- Not yet.
Whoopsie-daisy!
Why is he yelling
'Whoopsie-daisy'?
He's so white.
It's embarrassing.
- O'Leary.
- What?
I think you're gonna
want to see this.
'You can't beat Wellington
on a good day, '
- over and over and over again.
- Well, he's not wrong.
Maybe if we work out who is
buried on this site here,
we can figure out a way to get
that ghost out of Sgt Maaka.
Whoa!
- Wow.
- It's the fibre connection.
- It's unbelievable.
- The internet is so fast ... so fast.
Eurgh.
- Don't like that.
- Certainly not optimal.
Can you make that thing
go a bit quieter, please?
Because Sarge is gonna hear us.
Well, you're the one who
wanted to print them.
Yeah, well I can't read
off a screen at night
- because it keeps me awake.
- The ghosts don't keep you awake?
No.
OK. So we've managed to
obtain some intel, um,
on who is buried in
the cemetery here.
Um one of the graves belongs
to a notorious criminal,
John 'Whitey' Whiteman, um,
AKA the Bogey Man.
Not the Boogie Man. Um,
actually, the Bogey Man.
The Bogey Person.
Bogey Person probably
is the best term.
Yeah, absolutely.
It says here that he, uh, became
homicidal after getting a bogey
on every single hole except for the
18th, where he got a double bogey.
This sent him into
a murderous rage.
He killed all of this golfing
buddies with a golf club.
You know, from our point of
view, if you're playing sport
and things aren't really
going your way, you know,
- just take a little time out.
- Mm. Absolutely.
I think what we need to
do now is, um, you know,
find out what his weakness is,
and potentially, we can use that
against him, um, to our advantage.
It says here he lost
because of his put-ting ...
- But put-ting what? And where?
- It's putting. It's a golfing term.
So it's when you use the little
stick to get the ball in the hole.
Oh, is it?
- Like mini golf?
- No, no. |t's...
Get away!
Here's Whitey!
Sarge, Sarge.
- Stop it, Sarge!
- You're scaring O'Leary.
- Oh, it's very splintery.
- What?!
This wood. This wood
is very splintery.
Go, go, go, go, go!
- Block the door! Block the door!
- It's so annoying.
Does anybody have any tweezers?
- Push!
- Hey! Hey!
- Shh.
- Ohh, gosh darn it.
Why the hell did you have
to go and do that for, eh?
I'm gonna call the cops.
What? No, but...
No, what are you...?
- Yeah. That's not gonna work...
- It's ringing! It's ringing!
Minogue!
Answerphone.
- Look!
- See the little door!
Come on. Go, go,
go! Quick! Come on!
- Come on! Come on!
- Get in!
- Get in there! Get in there!
- You're the smallest. Get in!
- Quick! Hurry up!
- It's too late for Kevin!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Yoo-hoo! Time to die!
Hello! Wonderful day, isn't it?
- Hurry up, Evan! Get in here!
- There's a door! A door!
Go through, through,
through! Faster! Faster!
- Hurry up! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
- Go! Go! Go!
You go! You go!
- Oh, this is weird.
- This is quite cool.
We're actually back in the
Paranormal office. Parker!
I told you it was
like the movies.
- He's dead, isn't he?
- He's still got a pulse!
Mouth-to-mouth ... I learnt
about that in the movies too.
- That was a CPR training video.
- Oh, yeah.
I wondered why the
performances were so wooden,
but I liked the happy ending.
No, it's my turn. It's my turn.
No, it's my turn. You did
that old lady at the mall.
- She died.
- Yeah,
- but that still counts as one.
- No, it doesn't. Anyway...
Just cos you were no good at it
doesn't mean it doesn't count.
You did it the other week
with that softball player.
Yeah, but that was the other
week, not the other day.
- No. No, it's not your turn.
- So it's my turn.
Well, you've got
the taser this week.
- Oh, goodness!
- Parker, you're alive!
- I'm so good at mouth-to-mouth.
- Oh, sorry, guys. It's...
Oh, sorry. |t's... When I get
stressed, um, I tend to fall asleep.
Just... It's not very good
when you're a cop, obviously.
I was just having
the worst dream!
There was this squid,
and I was married to it,
and we were living
in this aquarium.
But, I don't know, we
weren't that good, anyway!
Parker. OK. There's no time
for an explanation, OK?
We have got to get that
ghost out of Maaka stat.
- Is 'stat' short for...?
- It just means straightaway.
- Statistics, is it?
- No,
- straightaway. It means now.
- Statutory.
Like, they say it in
the medical thing.
So, we've come up with a
simple yet effective plan.
Uh, what we've done is
recreated the 18th hole
where John 'Whitey'
Whiteman lost.
Um, what we're hoping is that
Sarge, AKA John 'Whitey' Whiteman,
will come through those
doors, he'll see that putter,
and then put the ball
straight in the hole there.
He's gonna drill a bogey, uh,
then he's gonna find peace finally
- and, uh, go on to the next realm.
- Mm.
Guys, there are
so many variables.
I just don't know if the
whole thing will work out.
OK. Yep, we know
your reservations.
You've been grumbling about
this plan since the get-go.
Now it's just a game of
hide-and-seek, really.
It's wait-and-see.
Well, agree to disagree.
Hoo-hoo!
Say 'cheese'!
- Now, time for a silly one.
- What?
Oh, come on.
First you do a proper one,
and then you do a silly one.
That's the way it
works! Come on!
- Just do it.
- Come on!
Yes. Good. Great, good. Good.
And hold it. And... cheese!
And now
it's time to die!
Whitey! Whitey, wait!
Look. It's the green
on the 18th hole.
- What?!
- There's your putter.
- All you have to do is pick it up.
- And just get your bogey, buddy.
- Then you can be happy.
- Oh...
I see.
Great.
- That's it, mate. That's it, mate.
- You can do it.
- Line up the shot.
- Bit of encouragement, guys.
- OK, you can do it!
- Come on! Come on!
Quiet, please! Quiet, please.
No!
- What?!
- That was supposed to go in!
I guess I've got no other option
but to kill you all, just
like I did last time!
Yeah. Oh!
Oh! Oh, damn!
Oh, damn it!
I can't get any
purchase on the club.
I'll just have to call my chums.
Yoo-hoo!
It's very humid, isn't it?
- Oh, hello!
- It is muggy.
Oh no, not more Pakeha ghosts!
They're gonna colonise
the whole station.
- This is not your property!
- Get off my property.
- You shouldn't be on our property. Get off!
- No, you get off those bodies!
Those aren't your
bodies. Get out!
We're gonna call
the police on you.
Well, I am the police! We are the
police. Those are police bodies,
so why don't you vacate them and
get out of our police station?!
What was it you just
said to me, young chap?
You heard me, Pakeha. You and 5
your mates, get off my property!
- It's not your property!
- You wanna bet?
- OK. Here we go, Mr White-man.
- White-min.
- Uh, OK, Mr White-men.
- White-min.
OK, Mr White-man. OK.
If you just take note of the
official signature there,
- that is the signed part of the deed.
- Yes, I see.
Uh, so that would mean that
the Ministry of Corrections
owns all of this land
and out to the car park.
As is the pakeha way, to own the
land, you need a piece of paper.
Yes, OK. I overstayed
my welcome.
Goodbye to you all.
Haere ra, Pakeha.
All right. Quickly ...
Let's get this wrapped up.
Seal this lid.
Quick, get some of that
Selley's No-More-Gaps on there.
God, it's congealing already.
He's a ghost, though, guys. Won't
he just pass through the concrete?
- OK, guys. That's enough there.
- Come on. Let's wrap it up.
Here we go.
Water on you.
Uh, so, at the end of the
day, I don't actually remember
most of what happened, to be
honest, mainly due to the fact
that I was possessed by a
homicidal Pakeha spirit.
Oh, regardless, though, we're
just glad to have you back, Sarge.
Yeah, but what we're
most glad about is that
we've now got high-speed
internet in the police station.
I mean, I would even go so far
as to say this has all been
completely worth it.
What have we said about
making that noise, Parker?
- Oh. Sorry, guys.
- I'm just exercising my tool.
And my tool, in this
case, is my vocal folds.
Actually, do you guys want to come
to the Great Wellington Sing-Off?
I can get you
complimentary tickets.
- I'm gonna be away that day.
- I've got soccer practice.
Probably gonna feel
sick that night.
Oh. Well, hope you feel
better soon, Minogue.
- We'll come!
- I love getting on my knees for a good hymn!
We should all go.
Is it choir music? Oh, he
looks like a choir boy,
- doesn't he?
- He does.