Wellington Paranormal (2018–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - Wicked Man - full transcript
OK, I'm gonna make
this perfectly clear.
And I'm glad this happened. It's a
good reminder for the whole team.
If a pigeon or a flock of pigeons are
near or in the middle of a drug bust,
the pigeons are not culpable.
I didn't say they
were culpable, Sarge.
I said they impeded my
investigation by im-poo-ding on me.
OK, Parker. Well,
just so you know,
we are removing the
file on the pigeon.
I still maintain that
they were trained.
- All right.
- Moving right along ... new business.
A missing girl,
Sophie Wilks ... 13 years old,
last seen two days
ago on Sales Island.
The last known communication
was this Chap-Snat.
Chap... Chat! Chat-Snap.
Lights, please.
It's
so important to unplug
and be one with nature.
Oh my gosh. No. No!
No! No!
Sophie Wilks apparently visited
Sales Island but never returned.
The captain says she
was not on the ferry,
and the residents say she's not on
the island. Who's telling the truth?
- Well, I mean, you are...
- telling the truth. That's one.
I'm gonna say... the captain.
Well, then I'll guess
the residents. Yep.
- Mm, who's right?
- Then we've got both, yeah.
This is Sophie last month
on her 13th birthday.
Whoa. Girls develop so
much faster than boys, eh?
She's very mature for her age.
I want to get officers on the island
tonight, but it's complicated.
See, the inhabitants
are a religious sect.
They've been there for generations,
cut off from the rest of the world,
- and their ways are arcane.
- What does that mean?
- It's, uh, very, like, old.
- Old-fashioned-y.
- Old-fashioned.
- Old-fashioned-y.
According to this, I, uh, have a
letter sent to me by one of the, um...
The religious leaders. Thus...
'Only those who virgin be
shalt set foot on our sacred land.
'Any impure soul
shalt an intruder be.'
- Hmm.
- Uh.
Now, I realise that this is
a deeply personal question
for me to ask. But, uh...
Go and... Go and deal with
Parker, please, Minogue.
Ow!
Look, I mean, how do
they define 'virgin'?
Well, they say, 'Those who hath
not lain with the opposite sex.'
- Well, mechanically speaking...
- By that definition, then...
- I'm a 'virgin'.
- Mm.
- I'm a virgin too.
- Wow. Really, Minogue?
- Really?
- Yeah. I didn't know you were.
- You're a... Wow. Very...
I'm... I'm not.
- Good.
- Yeah, that's...
- It's easy.
- Yeah. Good on you.
Yeah, I read that roughly 12%...
Of people my age ... virgins.
- Wow.
- 12%?
- Roughly.
- Right, well, the two of you
better get going,
then.
So, we're being ferried
over to the island
by our old friend Captain Quinn,
who's helped us out before.
Oh, I'm sorry to see your
eye still hasn't healed.
It did heal. This
is my other eye.
That's quite bad luck.
The story of how my
eye ended up like this
is not for the faint
of heart, my friends.
- What is it?
- Fly spray.
» Hy spray?
I had the nozzle
pointing the wrong way.
You watch yourselves out there.
I'm not going on that
island if I don't have to.
There's something about
the Hornvale Community
that's just not quite right.
The rituals,
the religion.
- The orgies.
- Orgies?
How did you find out
about these goings-on?
Wouldn't you like to know?
- Yes. I would.
- I would.
I read it online.
- Hey, O'Leary.
- Yeah?
- Are you experiencing, like, a...
- an ominous sense of foreboding?
No.
Yeah, me neither.
- Esteemed officers of the law!
- Welcome!
- Thanks. Um, I'm Officer O'Leary.
- And I'm Officer Minogue.
My name is Avalon, but
you can call me Mama.
- Thanks.
- 'Thanks, Mama.'
- Say it.
Say it.
Thanks, Mama.
Thanks, Mama.
I'm surprised such
gorgeous individuals
could meet our
special requirements.
She doesn't look surprised.
I don't think gorgeous has
anything to do with it.
- This is Thomath.
- Praise to the Horn.
- Cut it out.
- What did he say?
And Lilda.
Come back up.
They will be your personal escorts
on the island at every moment.
Is that still legal?
They will take great
pleasure in serving you.
Looking forward to hanging
out, Thomath and Lilda.
I feel like we're
digressing, OK?
Because what I would like to know is
actually if any of you have seen...
- Sophie Wilks.
Let's not go into
that right now.
We should away to Hornvale.
Sorry, where are we going?
Hornvale.
Are you saying...
Are you saying
Hornvale or Hornville?
Hornvale.
Follow me.
- O'Leary.
- What's that?
It's freaky, eh?
Come along.
- Avalon.
- Wait for us please, Mama.
Gidday, mate.
Bless your purity.
Your presence here is what we have
prayed to the great Horned One for.
Ah! Ah, ah, Elspeth.
Tend to your needlework.
Let us lead you
to your lodgings.
She seemed nice.
I hope you find your
quarters suitable.
- Do you have anything, um...
- Nicer?
Well, this is my
childhood bedroom,
so I'd appreciate you
not criticising it.
Please take a seat.
We know so much about you.
It's only fair you...
get to know us.
- How do you know about us?
Start the tape.
Oh. I didn't see you there.
That's you.
- No, no. This is an old video.
- That's my mama.
The Mama mama.
Don't you think that
looks just like her?
- Mm, yeah. Well, they're related.
- Community of free spirits
who trust in the
prosperity of nature,
just as we trust in the
prosperity of the soul.
You will love it here.
Your time with us
will be blessed.
You will love it here.
Your time with us...
will be blessed.
You will do...
as I say.
Hey, what was that?
That... That's Sophie.
Minogue, are you seeing this?
Up, up!
Yep, now, OK. Stand...
Listen to me. Stand up.
- up-
Come on, outside.
- What happened?
You were hypnotised.
- Sarge, Sarge! Do you read me?
- I don't think I can be hypnotised.
You've gotta be open to
suggestion, and I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
- Oh, maybe I am.
' Sarge!
- Come in, O'Leary.
O'Leary, please respond.
Parker.
I know you're there, Parker.
Come in.
Into the office?
- Yes, Parker.
- Yep. Quickly.
- Come in?
I was just walking past,
- and I heard you call my name, just...
- Sure. Take a seat.
Parker, can I speak
to you man to man?
Yes, of course, cos I am a man.
I am feeling somewhat guilty.
Of always locking me out, and
now using me as a sounding board
- cos I'm the only one left?
- Uh, no. What if I was to tell you
that I'm starting to put two and
two together about Sales Island?
Oh. If you said that, I would
be like, 'Oh, whoa, Sarge.
'That sounds really interesting.
Have you learnt anything?'
Mm-hm. And I would
reply, 'Check this out.'
Have a look at
these clippings, OK?
Now, people have been going missing
on the island at regular intervals,
uh, for the last 90-odd years.
And every time, they've requested
that, uh, the investigating officers
meet very specific
qualifications.
They're all virgins.
- Whoa, even him?
- Yeah, yeah. Apparently.
- That's a waste.
- None of those
investigating officers have
ever returned from the island.
Oh, OK.
God, they must love it
over there, do you reckon?
Maybe. But the more I
think about it, the...
the more I fear that the sect
are deliberately trying to
lure virginal officers
to the island.
- Why would they do that, Sarge?
- I mean, what good is virginity,
except for when it
comes to olive oil?
Human sacrifices.
Ah.
- We should go.
- What, me with you?
- Yes, Parker.
- Just one more thing, though.
- Yeah?
What kind of gift do you
think would say best,
'I'm sorry for questioning
you about your virginity
'and potentially leading
you to a ritualistic death?'
- Yeah. Probably choccies.
- Yeah. Perfect.
Just wondering if you
guys have seen this girl?
- No.
- No? You?
Apparently, she's 13.
- How old are you?
- 14.
14.50 you're older than her.
Which I'm finding
hard to believe.
Have you guys got the, um...
The Wi-Fi password around here?
Because I need to
check my emails.
What's Wi-Fi password?
- Captain Quinn, do you copy?
- Nothing.
- No cell coverage either.
- Pray to the Horn!
Hey, Mama. Thomath, Lilda.
- I trust the video refreshed you?
- I do not feel refreshed.
Yeah. I feel a bit
rubbish, actually.
Pray to the Horn.
You know, I've got a lot
of questions about that
'instructional' video. First
of all, when did you film it?
I... I told you.
I wasn't born yet.
- OK, that's impossible.
- Sophie Wilks was in that video.
Look, Mama, we don't want to get
off on the wrong foot, all right?
We really enjoyed that video,
and we're really
enjoying these massages.
But the fact of the matter is,
we're here on police business,
and a young girl
has gone missing.
Lilda, Thomath,
why don't we draw the
officers a hot bath?
Ooh.
- No.
- No. No hot bath, OK?
- We need to interview the residents.
- Mm.
Slow is smooth
and smooth is fast.
Obey the voice!
- You must remain...
- I must remain...
No, no, no. OK, no.
We need to continue
our investigation, OK?
Minogue!
Let's go. Come on.
- Copy that.
- Continuing investigation.
- Esteemed officers!
- Esteemed officers!
As you can see, we have managed
to lose Thomath, Lilda and Mama,
who, while lovely, were
hindering the investigation.
Uh, the police service is
funded through the generosity
of the New Zealand
taxpayer, and we honour,
uh, that generosity
through time efficiency,
although it did take a few hours
to lose them on this occasion.
Yeah, we've encountered some
traditions here on Sales Island
which, at best, could be described
as Nordic ... at worst, demonic.
Um, we in the police service,
we've got our own traditions too.
And those traditions are
called process and procedure.
So we're now gonna continue
with the investigation.
Hello. Just wondering
if you'd help me. Um,
wondering if perhaps
you've seen this girl.
You haven't seen her? OK.
Um, have you got any information
that could potentially
help me find her?
You could
speak to the elders.
The elders.
Is that the, uh, the naked
gentlemen over there?
Is there perhaps someone
else I could talk to
- that might be able to help me?
- Just speak to the elders.
Thank you.
- Minogue!
- - Yep,
- Do you wanna speak to these guys?
- Mm.
Evening, gentlemen.
I'm Officer Minogue. This is
my colleague, Officer O'Leary.
- Hello there.
- I'm not loving this, to be fair.
OK, I'm not quite sure what
the rules are on this island,
but I will be checking them
as soon as we're done here,
and you can consider yourselves
lucky just to get away
- with a warning this time.
- This girl...
Nah.
- What?
- Well, it is a girl.
- Mm.
- Look. Do you recognise her?
- No.
- Felt like you had that answer
in your head before I
even showed it to you.
Hmm.
- Is that a dismissive 'hmm'?
Mm.
- But you have not seen this girl?
- This one?
Mm-mm.
- What about this one?
- Same girl.
- Yeah, have you seen her?
- No.
- Mm.
She's wearing this very
distinctive outfit,
- that lovely orange coat.
- The dressmaker.
- Sorry?
- You need to see the dressmaker.
Where would I find
this dressmaker?
- Dave-o!
- Dave-o?
I do quite like those
matching hairdos.
Good evening, sir.
Also no pants.
Um, just wondering if you could
help me. Do you remember selling
to this person?
- Yes.
- OK.
Um, in relation to what
you were selling to her,
- was it potentially an orange coat?
- No.
So you didn't sell her this orange
coat here in this photograph?
No.
- It was a terracotta cape.
Psst.
OK, look. I'll be back to talk
to you. Maybe make some pants.
Hello. Can I help you?
- Sophie. She...
- She's preparing for the Horned One.
- The what, sorry?
Horned One.
- The Horned One, OK.
- So where is she?
- The sacrifice.
- The what, sorry? Sorry, what?
The sac... The sacrifice? Wait.
OK, so, what I, uh... What
I suspect is happening is
they intend to sacrifice Sophie,
which is not an ideal
situation in anyone's books.
Minogue!
Minogue?
Minogue?
Minogue, snap out of it!
- Oh, hey, guys.
- What's going on?
- Minogue, stop getting hypnotised.
- When was this?
Esteemed officers!
- OK, can you guys stop that, OK?
- I'm already quite stressed.
Through some old-fashioned
interviewing,
I have obtained some intel
on Sophie Wilks' whereabouts.
Because time is of the essence,
I'd like to make the executive
decision that we do not include Mama
- and the twins in our next movements.
- I agree with that decision.
- Sophie!
- Sophie Wilks!
Sophie!
- That's her!
Come back here!
There she is!
- Sophie!
- Come back, Sophie!
Is that her there?
No. I-I think that's
another person.
Sophie!
Aah!
Thomath? What are you doing
out this late? Thomath!
- Not Sophie.
- I'm very disappointed in you,
- Thomath.
- Sophie!
Minogue, turn around.
- Who are they supposed to be?
- I think they're supposed to be us.
- I don't look like that.
- That's a good one of you, though.
- Why are they here?
- I think it's in case something
'happens to us', they can send
these ones back in our place,
and nobody would
be any the wiser.
- O'Leary. Regained visual!
- In pursuit!
Sophie!
Perfect timing,
esteemed officers.
We could not begin without you.
Well, done, Sophie.
You did beautifully.
Thank you, Mama.
You led the lambs right to us.
Surprise twist ... It would
appear that we're, um,
- actually the ones being sacrificed.
- I reckon I saw that coming,
- actually.
- What?
Didn't wanna go anyway.
The Horned One!
The time is nigh!
We repay you for these
tremendous blessings
by sacrificing these esteemed
officers of the law to you,
oh great and generous
lord. Here they are.
Look at them, our
lovely human offerings.
How does that align
with your thinking?
Well, it doesn't align
with our thinking at all.
Look, I understand this is hard.
Well, it wouldn't be a
sacrifice if it was easy.
Captain Quinn, do you read?
Yes, I can read you.
Look, we need you
to call for help.
"Help!
- No, this is serious.
- We're in a lot of danger.
Yes. You are in a lot of danger.
- Captain Quinn.
- What are you doing here?
Yeah, quite a funny story
behind that one, actually.
Which is?
They showed me a hypnotic
video, and it hypnotised me.
Now I'm all hypnotised.
He always picks up all
our little police officers
in his little police
boat, don't you?
Yes, I do.
- This is not acceptable, you guys.
You will like it here.
- Your time with us will be blessed.
- I-I don't like it here.
Minogue! Minogue!
You will love it here!
Your time with us
will be blessed!
So, it seems as though the
cult are gonna go ahead
with the, uh, human sacrifice
with only one offering,
that being Officer Minogue.
Um, they're probably a
little bit disappointed.
Um, now, obviously, we don't
like to see any police officer
killed for ceremonial purposes,
or for any purpose, really.
So I'm gonna try and get in there
and, um, shut that event down
as safely as possible. Um, this not
my first rodeo in crowd control.
Um, so once they've
exited the building,
I'm gonna go in there and
see if I can find a disguise.
Fingers crossed.
Sacrificial
robe. Cold wash only.
Not a very good dressmaker.
OK, let's go.
I think it's safe to assume that
Minogue is now being held captive
in that somewhat derelict barn.
It's my job to go
and get him out.
Esteemed colleagues...
- Excuse me.
- Welcome to the 46th...
- Coming through. Thank you.
- Biennial sacrifice.
Pray to the Horn!
We pray for his continued
blessing of our chosen ones
for eternal youth.
We give thanks for Sophie,
who hasn't aged a day over 13.
Might want your
money back there.
Uh, myself, who hasn't
aged a day over 21.
And Thomath and Lilda, who
have not aged a day past 7.
- Let us commence!
Pray to the Horned One!
Grace us with your presence!
Pray to the Horned One!
Grace us with your presence!
- Hey, guys.
- Pray to the Horn!
Pray to the Horn!
All hail, Master.
Looks like the, uh, oldest
virgin I've ever had.
Zip, zip!
You're a... Are you full virgin,
or, like, half? Half-virgin?
Well, I am on the cusp of Leo.
What? What do you mean,
on the cusp of Leo?
- Is that a half-virgin?
- Sorry, I thought a virgin was
somebody that was
born in August. Ls...?
Wait! He's not a virgin;
He's a Virgo.
Sh!
How dumb are you? Is this true?
What do you call a virgin, then?
Oh, yeah, no. I've
done that.
- Yeah, heaps. Heaps.
- What? Ohh!
Stop! Wellington Police!
- We have you surrounded!
That's right!
Cops. Uh...
- No, my Lord.
- Release the adult virgins!
Oh, Minogue?
I thought it meant
something else, Sarge.
- OK, guys. Party's over. Let's go.
- Come on. Come on, little lady.
- You're going away for a long time.
So, Avalon and the elders
have been taken into custody.
We've since found
out that Sgt Maaka
was fully aware
of the situation.
He'd actually been surveilling
the area for the last few hours.
Yeah, so we were safer than
we thought. Unfortunately,
what we thought was that we
were gonna die horrific deaths.
Um, so, that was another
uncomfortable work situation.
- Thanks, Sarge. Job well done.
- What are you guys doing
- with those?
- Uh, found them in the forest.
We thought they were you, so
we started talking to them.
It was pretty
dark, to be honest.
And then we thought if
anything happened to you guys,
these guys would be
a good substitute.
- Yeah.
- Same vibes.
Yeah, this O'Leary one looks a
lot like her, don't you think?
It's actually a bit insulting.
These chocolates
are a cold comfort.
this perfectly clear.
And I'm glad this happened. It's a
good reminder for the whole team.
If a pigeon or a flock of pigeons are
near or in the middle of a drug bust,
the pigeons are not culpable.
I didn't say they
were culpable, Sarge.
I said they impeded my
investigation by im-poo-ding on me.
OK, Parker. Well,
just so you know,
we are removing the
file on the pigeon.
I still maintain that
they were trained.
- All right.
- Moving right along ... new business.
A missing girl,
Sophie Wilks ... 13 years old,
last seen two days
ago on Sales Island.
The last known communication
was this Chap-Snat.
Chap... Chat! Chat-Snap.
Lights, please.
It's
so important to unplug
and be one with nature.
Oh my gosh. No. No!
No! No!
Sophie Wilks apparently visited
Sales Island but never returned.
The captain says she
was not on the ferry,
and the residents say she's not on
the island. Who's telling the truth?
- Well, I mean, you are...
- telling the truth. That's one.
I'm gonna say... the captain.
Well, then I'll guess
the residents. Yep.
- Mm, who's right?
- Then we've got both, yeah.
This is Sophie last month
on her 13th birthday.
Whoa. Girls develop so
much faster than boys, eh?
She's very mature for her age.
I want to get officers on the island
tonight, but it's complicated.
See, the inhabitants
are a religious sect.
They've been there for generations,
cut off from the rest of the world,
- and their ways are arcane.
- What does that mean?
- It's, uh, very, like, old.
- Old-fashioned-y.
- Old-fashioned.
- Old-fashioned-y.
According to this, I, uh, have a
letter sent to me by one of the, um...
The religious leaders. Thus...
'Only those who virgin be
shalt set foot on our sacred land.
'Any impure soul
shalt an intruder be.'
- Hmm.
- Uh.
Now, I realise that this is
a deeply personal question
for me to ask. But, uh...
Go and... Go and deal with
Parker, please, Minogue.
Ow!
Look, I mean, how do
they define 'virgin'?
Well, they say, 'Those who hath
not lain with the opposite sex.'
- Well, mechanically speaking...
- By that definition, then...
- I'm a 'virgin'.
- Mm.
- I'm a virgin too.
- Wow. Really, Minogue?
- Really?
- Yeah. I didn't know you were.
- You're a... Wow. Very...
I'm... I'm not.
- Good.
- Yeah, that's...
- It's easy.
- Yeah. Good on you.
Yeah, I read that roughly 12%...
Of people my age ... virgins.
- Wow.
- 12%?
- Roughly.
- Right, well, the two of you
better get going,
then.
So, we're being ferried
over to the island
by our old friend Captain Quinn,
who's helped us out before.
Oh, I'm sorry to see your
eye still hasn't healed.
It did heal. This
is my other eye.
That's quite bad luck.
The story of how my
eye ended up like this
is not for the faint
of heart, my friends.
- What is it?
- Fly spray.
» Hy spray?
I had the nozzle
pointing the wrong way.
You watch yourselves out there.
I'm not going on that
island if I don't have to.
There's something about
the Hornvale Community
that's just not quite right.
The rituals,
the religion.
- The orgies.
- Orgies?
How did you find out
about these goings-on?
Wouldn't you like to know?
- Yes. I would.
- I would.
I read it online.
- Hey, O'Leary.
- Yeah?
- Are you experiencing, like, a...
- an ominous sense of foreboding?
No.
Yeah, me neither.
- Esteemed officers of the law!
- Welcome!
- Thanks. Um, I'm Officer O'Leary.
- And I'm Officer Minogue.
My name is Avalon, but
you can call me Mama.
- Thanks.
- 'Thanks, Mama.'
- Say it.
Say it.
Thanks, Mama.
Thanks, Mama.
I'm surprised such
gorgeous individuals
could meet our
special requirements.
She doesn't look surprised.
I don't think gorgeous has
anything to do with it.
- This is Thomath.
- Praise to the Horn.
- Cut it out.
- What did he say?
And Lilda.
Come back up.
They will be your personal escorts
on the island at every moment.
Is that still legal?
They will take great
pleasure in serving you.
Looking forward to hanging
out, Thomath and Lilda.
I feel like we're
digressing, OK?
Because what I would like to know is
actually if any of you have seen...
- Sophie Wilks.
Let's not go into
that right now.
We should away to Hornvale.
Sorry, where are we going?
Hornvale.
Are you saying...
Are you saying
Hornvale or Hornville?
Hornvale.
Follow me.
- O'Leary.
- What's that?
It's freaky, eh?
Come along.
- Avalon.
- Wait for us please, Mama.
Gidday, mate.
Bless your purity.
Your presence here is what we have
prayed to the great Horned One for.
Ah! Ah, ah, Elspeth.
Tend to your needlework.
Let us lead you
to your lodgings.
She seemed nice.
I hope you find your
quarters suitable.
- Do you have anything, um...
- Nicer?
Well, this is my
childhood bedroom,
so I'd appreciate you
not criticising it.
Please take a seat.
We know so much about you.
It's only fair you...
get to know us.
- How do you know about us?
Start the tape.
Oh. I didn't see you there.
That's you.
- No, no. This is an old video.
- That's my mama.
The Mama mama.
Don't you think that
looks just like her?
- Mm, yeah. Well, they're related.
- Community of free spirits
who trust in the
prosperity of nature,
just as we trust in the
prosperity of the soul.
You will love it here.
Your time with us
will be blessed.
You will love it here.
Your time with us...
will be blessed.
You will do...
as I say.
Hey, what was that?
That... That's Sophie.
Minogue, are you seeing this?
Up, up!
Yep, now, OK. Stand...
Listen to me. Stand up.
- up-
Come on, outside.
- What happened?
You were hypnotised.
- Sarge, Sarge! Do you read me?
- I don't think I can be hypnotised.
You've gotta be open to
suggestion, and I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
- Oh, maybe I am.
' Sarge!
- Come in, O'Leary.
O'Leary, please respond.
Parker.
I know you're there, Parker.
Come in.
Into the office?
- Yes, Parker.
- Yep. Quickly.
- Come in?
I was just walking past,
- and I heard you call my name, just...
- Sure. Take a seat.
Parker, can I speak
to you man to man?
Yes, of course, cos I am a man.
I am feeling somewhat guilty.
Of always locking me out, and
now using me as a sounding board
- cos I'm the only one left?
- Uh, no. What if I was to tell you
that I'm starting to put two and
two together about Sales Island?
Oh. If you said that, I would
be like, 'Oh, whoa, Sarge.
'That sounds really interesting.
Have you learnt anything?'
Mm-hm. And I would
reply, 'Check this out.'
Have a look at
these clippings, OK?
Now, people have been going missing
on the island at regular intervals,
uh, for the last 90-odd years.
And every time, they've requested
that, uh, the investigating officers
meet very specific
qualifications.
They're all virgins.
- Whoa, even him?
- Yeah, yeah. Apparently.
- That's a waste.
- None of those
investigating officers have
ever returned from the island.
Oh, OK.
God, they must love it
over there, do you reckon?
Maybe. But the more I
think about it, the...
the more I fear that the sect
are deliberately trying to
lure virginal officers
to the island.
- Why would they do that, Sarge?
- I mean, what good is virginity,
except for when it
comes to olive oil?
Human sacrifices.
Ah.
- We should go.
- What, me with you?
- Yes, Parker.
- Just one more thing, though.
- Yeah?
What kind of gift do you
think would say best,
'I'm sorry for questioning
you about your virginity
'and potentially leading
you to a ritualistic death?'
- Yeah. Probably choccies.
- Yeah. Perfect.
Just wondering if you
guys have seen this girl?
- No.
- No? You?
Apparently, she's 13.
- How old are you?
- 14.
14.50 you're older than her.
Which I'm finding
hard to believe.
Have you guys got the, um...
The Wi-Fi password around here?
Because I need to
check my emails.
What's Wi-Fi password?
- Captain Quinn, do you copy?
- Nothing.
- No cell coverage either.
- Pray to the Horn!
Hey, Mama. Thomath, Lilda.
- I trust the video refreshed you?
- I do not feel refreshed.
Yeah. I feel a bit
rubbish, actually.
Pray to the Horn.
You know, I've got a lot
of questions about that
'instructional' video. First
of all, when did you film it?
I... I told you.
I wasn't born yet.
- OK, that's impossible.
- Sophie Wilks was in that video.
Look, Mama, we don't want to get
off on the wrong foot, all right?
We really enjoyed that video,
and we're really
enjoying these massages.
But the fact of the matter is,
we're here on police business,
and a young girl
has gone missing.
Lilda, Thomath,
why don't we draw the
officers a hot bath?
Ooh.
- No.
- No. No hot bath, OK?
- We need to interview the residents.
- Mm.
Slow is smooth
and smooth is fast.
Obey the voice!
- You must remain...
- I must remain...
No, no, no. OK, no.
We need to continue
our investigation, OK?
Minogue!
Let's go. Come on.
- Copy that.
- Continuing investigation.
- Esteemed officers!
- Esteemed officers!
As you can see, we have managed
to lose Thomath, Lilda and Mama,
who, while lovely, were
hindering the investigation.
Uh, the police service is
funded through the generosity
of the New Zealand
taxpayer, and we honour,
uh, that generosity
through time efficiency,
although it did take a few hours
to lose them on this occasion.
Yeah, we've encountered some
traditions here on Sales Island
which, at best, could be described
as Nordic ... at worst, demonic.
Um, we in the police service,
we've got our own traditions too.
And those traditions are
called process and procedure.
So we're now gonna continue
with the investigation.
Hello. Just wondering
if you'd help me. Um,
wondering if perhaps
you've seen this girl.
You haven't seen her? OK.
Um, have you got any information
that could potentially
help me find her?
You could
speak to the elders.
The elders.
Is that the, uh, the naked
gentlemen over there?
Is there perhaps someone
else I could talk to
- that might be able to help me?
- Just speak to the elders.
Thank you.
- Minogue!
- - Yep,
- Do you wanna speak to these guys?
- Mm.
Evening, gentlemen.
I'm Officer Minogue. This is
my colleague, Officer O'Leary.
- Hello there.
- I'm not loving this, to be fair.
OK, I'm not quite sure what
the rules are on this island,
but I will be checking them
as soon as we're done here,
and you can consider yourselves
lucky just to get away
- with a warning this time.
- This girl...
Nah.
- What?
- Well, it is a girl.
- Mm.
- Look. Do you recognise her?
- No.
- Felt like you had that answer
in your head before I
even showed it to you.
Hmm.
- Is that a dismissive 'hmm'?
Mm.
- But you have not seen this girl?
- This one?
Mm-mm.
- What about this one?
- Same girl.
- Yeah, have you seen her?
- No.
- Mm.
She's wearing this very
distinctive outfit,
- that lovely orange coat.
- The dressmaker.
- Sorry?
- You need to see the dressmaker.
Where would I find
this dressmaker?
- Dave-o!
- Dave-o?
I do quite like those
matching hairdos.
Good evening, sir.
Also no pants.
Um, just wondering if you could
help me. Do you remember selling
to this person?
- Yes.
- OK.
Um, in relation to what
you were selling to her,
- was it potentially an orange coat?
- No.
So you didn't sell her this orange
coat here in this photograph?
No.
- It was a terracotta cape.
Psst.
OK, look. I'll be back to talk
to you. Maybe make some pants.
Hello. Can I help you?
- Sophie. She...
- She's preparing for the Horned One.
- The what, sorry?
Horned One.
- The Horned One, OK.
- So where is she?
- The sacrifice.
- The what, sorry? Sorry, what?
The sac... The sacrifice? Wait.
OK, so, what I, uh... What
I suspect is happening is
they intend to sacrifice Sophie,
which is not an ideal
situation in anyone's books.
Minogue!
Minogue?
Minogue?
Minogue, snap out of it!
- Oh, hey, guys.
- What's going on?
- Minogue, stop getting hypnotised.
- When was this?
Esteemed officers!
- OK, can you guys stop that, OK?
- I'm already quite stressed.
Through some old-fashioned
interviewing,
I have obtained some intel
on Sophie Wilks' whereabouts.
Because time is of the essence,
I'd like to make the executive
decision that we do not include Mama
- and the twins in our next movements.
- I agree with that decision.
- Sophie!
- Sophie Wilks!
Sophie!
- That's her!
Come back here!
There she is!
- Sophie!
- Come back, Sophie!
Is that her there?
No. I-I think that's
another person.
Sophie!
Aah!
Thomath? What are you doing
out this late? Thomath!
- Not Sophie.
- I'm very disappointed in you,
- Thomath.
- Sophie!
Minogue, turn around.
- Who are they supposed to be?
- I think they're supposed to be us.
- I don't look like that.
- That's a good one of you, though.
- Why are they here?
- I think it's in case something
'happens to us', they can send
these ones back in our place,
and nobody would
be any the wiser.
- O'Leary. Regained visual!
- In pursuit!
Sophie!
Perfect timing,
esteemed officers.
We could not begin without you.
Well, done, Sophie.
You did beautifully.
Thank you, Mama.
You led the lambs right to us.
Surprise twist ... It would
appear that we're, um,
- actually the ones being sacrificed.
- I reckon I saw that coming,
- actually.
- What?
Didn't wanna go anyway.
The Horned One!
The time is nigh!
We repay you for these
tremendous blessings
by sacrificing these esteemed
officers of the law to you,
oh great and generous
lord. Here they are.
Look at them, our
lovely human offerings.
How does that align
with your thinking?
Well, it doesn't align
with our thinking at all.
Look, I understand this is hard.
Well, it wouldn't be a
sacrifice if it was easy.
Captain Quinn, do you read?
Yes, I can read you.
Look, we need you
to call for help.
"Help!
- No, this is serious.
- We're in a lot of danger.
Yes. You are in a lot of danger.
- Captain Quinn.
- What are you doing here?
Yeah, quite a funny story
behind that one, actually.
Which is?
They showed me a hypnotic
video, and it hypnotised me.
Now I'm all hypnotised.
He always picks up all
our little police officers
in his little police
boat, don't you?
Yes, I do.
- This is not acceptable, you guys.
You will like it here.
- Your time with us will be blessed.
- I-I don't like it here.
Minogue! Minogue!
You will love it here!
Your time with us
will be blessed!
So, it seems as though the
cult are gonna go ahead
with the, uh, human sacrifice
with only one offering,
that being Officer Minogue.
Um, they're probably a
little bit disappointed.
Um, now, obviously, we don't
like to see any police officer
killed for ceremonial purposes,
or for any purpose, really.
So I'm gonna try and get in there
and, um, shut that event down
as safely as possible. Um, this not
my first rodeo in crowd control.
Um, so once they've
exited the building,
I'm gonna go in there and
see if I can find a disguise.
Fingers crossed.
Sacrificial
robe. Cold wash only.
Not a very good dressmaker.
OK, let's go.
I think it's safe to assume that
Minogue is now being held captive
in that somewhat derelict barn.
It's my job to go
and get him out.
Esteemed colleagues...
- Excuse me.
- Welcome to the 46th...
- Coming through. Thank you.
- Biennial sacrifice.
Pray to the Horn!
We pray for his continued
blessing of our chosen ones
for eternal youth.
We give thanks for Sophie,
who hasn't aged a day over 13.
Might want your
money back there.
Uh, myself, who hasn't
aged a day over 21.
And Thomath and Lilda, who
have not aged a day past 7.
- Let us commence!
Pray to the Horned One!
Grace us with your presence!
Pray to the Horned One!
Grace us with your presence!
- Hey, guys.
- Pray to the Horn!
Pray to the Horn!
All hail, Master.
Looks like the, uh, oldest
virgin I've ever had.
Zip, zip!
You're a... Are you full virgin,
or, like, half? Half-virgin?
Well, I am on the cusp of Leo.
What? What do you mean,
on the cusp of Leo?
- Is that a half-virgin?
- Sorry, I thought a virgin was
somebody that was
born in August. Ls...?
Wait! He's not a virgin;
He's a Virgo.
Sh!
How dumb are you? Is this true?
What do you call a virgin, then?
Oh, yeah, no. I've
done that.
- Yeah, heaps. Heaps.
- What? Ohh!
Stop! Wellington Police!
- We have you surrounded!
That's right!
Cops. Uh...
- No, my Lord.
- Release the adult virgins!
Oh, Minogue?
I thought it meant
something else, Sarge.
- OK, guys. Party's over. Let's go.
- Come on. Come on, little lady.
- You're going away for a long time.
So, Avalon and the elders
have been taken into custody.
We've since found
out that Sgt Maaka
was fully aware
of the situation.
He'd actually been surveilling
the area for the last few hours.
Yeah, so we were safer than
we thought. Unfortunately,
what we thought was that we
were gonna die horrific deaths.
Um, so, that was another
uncomfortable work situation.
- Thanks, Sarge. Job well done.
- What are you guys doing
- with those?
- Uh, found them in the forest.
We thought they were you, so
we started talking to them.
It was pretty
dark, to be honest.
And then we thought if
anything happened to you guys,
these guys would be
a good substitute.
- Yeah.
- Same vibes.
Yeah, this O'Leary one looks a
lot like her, don't you think?
It's actually a bit insulting.
These chocolates
are a cold comfort.