Wellington Paranormal (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Fatberg - full transcript

- These are good fish and chips.
- Mmm.

I reckon this is the best
fish and chip shop

in the greater Wellington region.

No. The best fish and chip shop
is the vegan fish and chip shop.

- Isn't that just a chip shop?
- Yeah.

But... Hey, you've got...
you've got grease on your face.

No, no. This side.

I'm doing that.

No, no. I'm like, it's like a mirror.

Oh. You're one of those mirrorers.

You're meant to do...

..comparatitable.

- Comparatitable?
- Mmm.

That doesn't make any sense.

Well, just because you don't know
all the big words

doesn't mean it's not a real word.

Just think about how
a mirror works, right?

- Yeah.
- OK. Imagine that's a mirror.

- Right? OK?
- Yeah.

And then I'm saying to you,
"There's the food."

Yeah. But that's when we're sitting
across from each other.

We're sitting beside each other.

So you're be pointing there,
and then it would be here.

Well, I'm pointing there.

But I'm not, because it's a mirror.
So that's there.

We're sitting next to each other.

But what about when
we're sitting like this?

Well, when we are sitting
like that, sure, but...

OK. Then you've got grease
on your face here.

Just here.

Just there?

There.

Well, I don't think you need
to point in my face.

MAAKA: Uh, testing.
One, two, one, two.

Can you tell me if
this radio is working? Over.

- Yes. It's working, Sarge.
- Oh, good. I've got new batteries.

I'm gonna need you to go out
and investigate a disturbance

at Taita Petrol Station.

- A disturbance?
- Yeah.

- That sounds disturbing.
- It's a disturbing disturbance.

- Yeah. Copy that.
- Yep. Copy that.

- Can I put the siren on?
- Yeah. Definitely put the siren on.

- Mmm.
- We've got to get there fast.

This is the scene
of the disturbance.

Yeah, I know. I just drove here.

Gidday, mate. We've had a report
of some unusual activity here.

Yeah.

OK. What happened?

I didn't see anything.
Happened over in the car wash.

- That car wash?
- Yeah.

Some dodgy stuff happened,
but...I didn't do anything.

- Dodgy?
- I heard him say "dodgy".

Yep. Hey, look, it might be easier

if we just came inside
for a bit of a chat.

Yeah. So, compromise my safety
if you guys come in.

But we're police officers.

Yeah. I've heard that one before.

What? You think we're fake
police officers?

Yeah.

OK. Where do you think
we got our police car?

I don't know. Online?

OK. Well, look, look, do
you have any information

as to what happened here tonight?

Any more information
that could help us out?

Yeah. I've got a security video here.

That might have been quite helpful
a little bit earlier on.

So, here we have our car coming up.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Yep.

They came and bought a coupon before,

punching in the couple of digits
that you've got to put in for it.

Mmm-hmm.

Then they're going for
a premium, premium wash.

Ooh. Here they go, going in.

About four people in it.

So now their car is getting
a bit of a wash.

Yep.

Still in there.

Still in there.

Yep.

- Still in there. Still...
- Yeah, I got it.

- Yeah, still in there.
- Yeah.

Here they come. Here they come here.

There's no one in there.

Where's that car now?

Ooh. What is that smell?
That is horrific.

Ugh.

That is so much worse.
And there's slime in there.

- Oh.
- What kind of car wash is this?

What's this?

- Ugh.
- Look at that.

- Are you scared?
- No.

Actually just concerned,

because we're not meant to be
tampering with evidence, I think.

Don't think I really
want to walk in there.

Ooh. Bloody hell.

Use your baton.

Eight, two, nine, three, eight, two.

- Eight, two, nine...
- ..two, nine, three...

..three, eight, two.

- Asterisk. Can you hold that?
- Good teamwork.

They never put those bits in,
though, do they?

- No.
- You know?

Well, they consider that stuff
boring, don't they?

Well, it's actually not boring at
all. I mean, it's excellent policing.

And it sends a really good message
out to people, doesn't it?

Cooperation.

It's not as exciting
as I remember car washes being.

Mmm.

Do you want to put on some music?

- Oh! Popsicle down!
- Oh!

Minogue, look, that's how
we get ants in the car.

Did you get it?

You get your little hands in there.

- Well, you put your long fingers.
- Look, comparatively.

Put your long fingers down there
to get the ice block you dropped.

I am. But, you know...

Pull the seat back,
because I can't reach around.

Oh! What is that?

- That's not even your ice block.
- I got the stick.

That's from last week's one.

Oh, well, get that one.
Don't leave that down there.

- That's not even an iceblock.
- I've got it. I've got it.

Is that normal?

No, don't open the windows
in the car wash.

What kind of car wash did you get?

Mega.

Should I have got basic?

O'Leary. There's someone out there.

Well, what are we supposed to do?

They're asking for help.

Well, we've got to help them.
We've got a responsibility.

- No way. Don't do it, O'Leary!
- I'm gonna open the window.

But you said don't open it!
You said don't open the window!

- O'Leary!
- Join us.

Oh. No, that's not a good idea.

Help me.

Don't touch her face!

That's a police face!
Get your hand off it!

- Yuck! Don't!
- Oh. That's disgusting.

Why are you swallowing it?
You shouldn't be swallowing it!

I'm trying to tell you
to put the window up!

Out!

- Ugh!
- That was violating my face.

Ugh! That was disgusting. Ugh.

Well, that's why you don't unwind
your window in a car wash, isn't it?

Thank you, Minogue.

- Do the slide.
- Yeah.

Yeah!

There's still people in there.

Where are they?

All right.

Just before you guys go out tonight,
I would like to commend Parker

for what a great job he's done
in confiscating fireworks this week.

Thanks, Sarge.

Yeah. It's not easy
being the fun police,

but sometimes you've got to ruin
everyone's Guy Fawkes

for the sake of public safety.

I actually think that the fun police
are just police who are fun.

So, you know, fun police. So...

You know what?
That is a great attitude.

And speaking of fun police...

we're gonna be doing a bit of a
controlled burn-off of said fireworks

at the back of the police station
on Friday night, eh?

- Any big ones in there?
- Whoa, mama. There's TNT in here!

Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Parker,
be extremely careful with that.

OK. Oh, shit.

All right. Uh, that's
enough for tonight.

Get out there and make
our communities feel safe.

Thank you.

Oh, uh, not you two,
Minogue and O'Leary.

You know where to meet me.

- Is this where you wanted to meet?
- Obviously. Mmm.

So, let me get this straight.

Not only did you not find the missing
persons, not find the suspect,

you also managed
to ruin your uniforms.

And a car.

Yeah, but it could've been worse.

- How?
- Hmm...

We could have ruined the car worse.

Let's keep this brief.
You both smell horrible.

Can you give me a description
of what the assailant looked like?

Description is tough.

Yeah. I mean, I'd start with blobby.

I'd throw in gelatinous.

- Blobby...
- Very good.

Yeah. I saw some arms
and legs in there.

Yeah. There was also
a couple of human faces.

- I remember a face.
- Yeah.

- There was. And then...
- Human face.

..making that...
sort of, that muffled noises.

- Almost like there was...
- Yeah.

- ..a membrane or something.
- It was like the face was right...

- Can I use your lunchbox for a sec?
- Yeah. Go for it.

Hello.

- Didn't... No.
- Hello.

No, like this.

Help.

Help.

That's good.

That actually makes me think
that you were doing it.

It wasn't me. I was in the car.
But I could hear that noise.

It does sound a little bit
like a cat.

No, a cat is more like this.
Meow! Meow!

Yeah. I often make
that mistake, though.

Sometimes I think the neighbours
are calling, "Help,"

but really it's my cat
calling, "Meow."

- You don't have a cat.
- Well, not anymore.

Right. Um...

Minogue.

Stay absolutely still. Don't move.

What?

- What is it?
- Here, Minogue.

- Is it on me?
- Yep.

- It's on me, isn't it?
- Yep.

- I can feel it on my face.
- I'm gonna punch it.

Get it off my face!
Don't punch it!

Don't punch it. Don't punch it.
Don't... Come here. Come, come.

- Come over here. I've got it.
- Get it off! Get it off!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go.

Ugh! That's suspicious. Right.

Well, I'm gonna get this to the lab.

In the meanwhile, there have been
reports of a horrible smell

coming from the Waterloo area.

To be honest, I did initially
ignore the calls.

I thought it was more of
a council issue.

But then they started
to report missing pets.

Should you really be
ignoring calls, Sarge?

Don't question me.

WOMAN: I don't bloody know
who it is, do I, Neil?

I haven't opened the door yet!

Hello, ma'am. How's it going?

I'm Officer O'Leary.
This is Officer Minogue.

You are real police officers,
I take it?

Well, of course we're actual
real police officers. Yes.

Where else would we get the car
if we weren't real police officers?

Oh! On eBay.

- Where is this happening?
- We can get into that a bit later.

But at the moment,
we've just got some questions

about some reports
from around this area.

We'd really love to come in and just
ask you a couple of questions,

if that'd be OK.

Yes, that's fine.
Wipe your feet, please.

What is going on with this
'real police officer' thing?

Neil, it's the police!

She's starting on the back foot,
I can tell you that much.

It's the real police.

- (NEIL MOANS)
- Uh... That's my husband in there.

Just ignore it. It's...
Those noises are pretty common.

OK. Um, so, look, how long
has this smell been around?

- Neil?
- Oh, no, no. The exterior smell?

Oh.

- Oh, a couple of weeks.
- Mmm-hmm.

Yeah. The plumbing's been
very unreliable, you know?

- Mmm.
- Ours is all right at the moment.

That's interesting.

Um, look, do you have
any, sort of...any suspicion?

(NEIL MOANS)

Just, there's a bit of...
of what...what...

He has IBS.

Uh, just ignore it. It's very normal.

Do you have any idea
what's causing it?

Well, we think it's genetic.

NEIL: Help!

Can't even bloody go
to the toilet by himself!

Excuse me. Sorry, Neil.
Can we come in?

Yes. Do come in.
I do need some help, yes.

OK.

Oh, I don't think
this is a police matter.

Oh, that is not normal.

- That's not normal.
- No.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Oh...

Don't resist! Do not resist!

I don't think
he's resisting on purpose.

Neil! Get out of the toilet!

- Whoa!
- Stay calm, sir.

We're sorry to inform you,

your husband's been, um...
swallowed by the toilet.

That's awful.

We'll continue to do
everything we can.

You haven't done anything.

We did everything we can.

NEIL: Get me out of here!

- Please!
- Neil? Is that you?

Of course it's me, Marlene! Who else
would be hanging out in the drain?

Well, I don't know.
One of your weirdo mates?

I need help!

Follow the voice.

- Ow!
- Neil?

He's in the shower.

He's gone over there.
That way. That way, that way.

- Are you there, Neil?
- Hey... Ow!

- No, this way. This way.
- Neil!

- Go, go, go.
- Go, go, go, go.

I'm moving. Ow!

Neil! Neil, are you there?
Stay there, OK? Stay put.

- Don't move!
- Stay put.

- He's right outside. Go.
- Don't use the toilet.

- No, I can hear him.
- (NEIL MOANS)

- Shh. Hang on, wait.
- Shh, shh.

No... Yep, down this way.

- Down this way.
- Yeah.

He's in some sort of
subterranean drainage system.

- Help! Ohh!
- Look!

It's OK, sir. We're gonna help you.
We're gonna help you, sir.

- This is never gonna work.
- It is working.

- I stand corrected.
- He's very rubbery and smelly.

Are you normally this rubbery, sir?

Not normally, no.

Are you normally this smelly?

Well, that's another case closed
for Officer O'Leary and myself.

Um, as you can see, the victim is
recovering in the boot of the car.

Generally, he'd be in the back seat,

but given the slime and the stench,
he's sort of ruled himself out there.

But the main thing is
we've rescued him.

There are at least five or six
other guys trapped down there.

Well, I mean, at least
they're not in immediate danger.

I felt like my body
was becoming liquid

and my mind was becoming part
of some malignant hive brain.

I think what can happen is

when you hear those sorts of words,
like 'malignant'...

- 'Hive mind'.
- ..um, 'hive mind'.

I mean, very easy for the general
public to start panicking.

But I think that's the last thing
we want to do here.

That thing is going to take
more lives!

- We know, mate. Good as gold.
- Yep.

But there's really
no need for concern.

Ah. Hey, guys.
Thanks for coming to the lab.

Um, I've been doing some research.

Are you the most qualified
for that, Sarge?

Well, seeing as nobody else knows
about this in the entire world,

I'm actually the world's foremost
expert at this phenomenon

at this present time.

Yeah, and we talked to Forensics
before as well,

and they helped us quite a bit.

- These are their lab coats.
- Yes, yes.

Yes, that's true.
That stays between us.

They did help a little bit,

but mostly, I've been doing
my own research.

I've been reading up
blogs about blobs.

- Did you figure out what it is?
- Yeah.

I ran some tests on that little
sample I got off your neck, Minogue,

and I found some startling results.

The substance you collected
is a fatberg.

That's not that startling
in isolation, is it?

Because obviously, you know, fatbergs
are a thing in Wellington waterways.

OK. Also, it's sentient.

- That is startling.
- That's really startling.

Parker, reveal the maze.

OK. Here we go.

Oh, look, it's just kind of
getting stuck in the corner.

I said it was sentient,
I never said it was intelligent.

Just gone round that corner, eh,
and then down that way.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

That's what I'd have done.

Very easy to be critical of the blob
from this angle, isn't it?

We get to see the whole thing,
but from the blob's-eye view,

you know, it's just
surrounded by walls.

Now, this sample is here is far too
small to take over my body per se.

But... Um, now, Parker,
show them Diagram 1.

OK.

So, for example, Fatberg began
consuming small animals,

such as this goldfish here,
and then grew in size,

and then ingested, say, a cat,
then grew larger,

and ingested larger animals in turn -
so, say, this octopus, for example,

and then larger still -

and here we've used a giraffe,
just to keep it fun, you know?

Um, it then grew
larger and larger still,

moving on to consuming human beings.

And here we have the end result,

which is a rather epic proportion
of accumulated fat.

And human beings and animals.

Well, I'm not really worried
about any of these.

- Mmm.
- No.

- But it's this one, isn't it?
- Mmm.

It's when it starts consuming humans,
because it affects us personally.

Parker, reveal the map.

Yeah, sure. Sorry.

Sorry, guys, can we just...?

Now, these are all locations
of reports

of suspicious-looking blobs
all around the city.

My theory is that this thing resides

deep in the heart
of the sewer system.

We need to stop this thing

before all of Wellington is
completely covered in fat.

Would that be so bad, though?

Wouldn't be comfortable, would it?

So, Officer Minogue and myself

have descended into
the Wellington sewer system

to investigate the fatberg.

It's a complex network
of tunnels and drains

which collect the, uh...the city's...

- O'Leary.
- ..waste produc...

- O'Leary.
- Yeah?

Do you reckon my bum looks...
disappearing in these?

Minogue, I'm just talking
to the camera

about what we're doing down here
in the, uh...in the sewer system.

Well, it's absolutely vital

when we're in these new and
potentially hazardous environments

that we're wearing the appropriate
safety gears at all times.

Mmm.

You fellas all ready?

- Yes.
- I'm ready.

Good. So, we're, uh, in the tunnels.
Pretty hazardous in here.

Top, bottom.
You'll notice the floor is concrete.

So, I've got forty-five rules
for you.

All of them - don't run. All right?
Now, come on, then. Follow me.

These, uh, drains are
woefully neglected,

so I always knew something like this
was gonna happen.

What, that a sentient fatberg
would start swallowing people?

Well, n...well, I couldn't predict
that. Obviously not that.

But something very similar to it.

So, it could obviously take
a really long time

to find what it is we're actually
down here looking for.

Um, but...

Actually, this is just what
we're looking for.

- Great police work, O'Leary.
- Thank you.

The good news is that
this has shrunk considerably.

Um, and also, the fatberg seems
to now be very low on energy.

So that's actually
a really good result for us.

Yeah. This is why I think
Officer O'Leary and myself

will make great candidates
for detective.

Um, we're always detecting
things like this,

and, uh, that makes up probably 10%
of being a detective.

- Possibly even more than 10%.
- Mmm.

- VOICES: Help us!
- What was that?

Oi! No running!

Walking.

- Oi.
- It's grown considerably.

Never saw anything like that before.

We're closing on it.

We're pursuing the suspect
through a labyrinthine structure.

He's very cunning -
or she, or they - for a blob.

I think we're definitely
making ground.

- Wait.
- Ooh.

It stopped.

I think it's coming back.

Did we actually finalise a plan

on what we were gonna do
if we caught up with it?

- VOICES: Join us!
- Negative.

- Tactical retreat.
- OK.

This way. This way.

It's gone.

Yeah. I think it slipped
down one of the pipes.

Well, where do those pipes go?

Uh, over...there.

Oh! It's a dead end.

It's a dead end.

This feels like it's bad karma for
teasing that little blob in the maze.

VOICES: Join us. Join us.

Maybe seeing it's a sentient,
I can reason with it.

Hey, look, we just need to have
a bit of a chat, OK, guys?

Um, what you're doing is not OK.

- VOICES: It is OK.
- No, no, no...

It's OK. Join the fatberg.

We're not particularly interested
in being part of a fatberg.

- Yeah, not interested.
- VOICES: You'll like it. It's nice.

No... Arggh!

- Assistance!
- I'm on my way!

- Walking.
- I'm on my way slowly.

- Let me go! Let me go!
- No running.

Please release me. I'm a member
of the New Zealand Police.

I don't want to be part
of your fatberg.

Can you give us a hand here, mate?

Rather than just filming,
if you could help us?

Thanks. Appreciate it.

Arggh!

Come on.

- It's got the cameraman.
- Oh.

Feels like it's too late for him.
Let's just...

It's definitely too late.

It's coming after us.

Looks to have renewed energy.

Requesting permission
to walk much, much faster.

- Much, much faster?
- Much faster.

Keep going. Hopefully
it can't go up stairs.

- VOICES: Oh, stairs! Stairs!
- It's still coming.

Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go!

- I'm getting there. It's way down.
- Go, go, go.

- O'Leary, go, go!
- I'm going, I'm going.

Go! Go! They're coming!

O'Leary, go, go, go!

- Go, go, go, go!
- Arggh!

MAAKA: You're worthless.

You're nothing.

Parker, affecting its self-esteem
has done nothing.

How is your research coming?

Well, I've googled
'how to destroy fat',

and it keeps just showing me ads
for my local gyms.

Wellington Gyms for Him.

Burn Dat Fat.

Hey. That's actually
a good idea, Parker.

- You think I should join?
- No, not that.

How do you destroy fat?

You burn it.

- (FATBERG SQUEALS)
- Arggh!

Get out of there, Minogue.

I thought that thing was gonna
kill me and eat me alive.

You need to secure
that person-hole immediately.

That doesn't make any sense.
Quick, quick, quick.

Yeah, good.

We regret to inform you that...

..one of the other camera guys
has been taken by the fatberg.

I think his name was, uh...
Ben or Evan or Bevan.

- Kevin? Kevin?
- Our deepest condolences.

Um, the good news is, though,

that we have managed to contain
the fatberg in the sewers.

- (SCREAMING)
- So, that's good news, and, um...

Excuse me.

- Great work all round from the team.
- Yeah. Absolutely.

- I mean, obviously...
- (MAN SCREAMS)

Just wait for that guy to finish.

It's a new kind of breakdancing,
that must be, eh?

- Probably doing a TikTok.
- (SCREAMS)

In my opinion,
that doesn't look good.

That's our favourite
fish and chip shop.

VOICES: Join the fatberg.

- Arggh! Stay put!
- It's coming!

Save them! Save them!

Too late. Too late.

Parking's a bit off.

Still awake, Sarge?
Have you been to sleep?

No time for sleep.
The city's at stake.

Turns out the best way
to take this thing out

is to explode it
from within the inside.

Come on. Let's go.

Deploying payload!

VOICES: What is it?

Oh, my God.

That woman's in danger. Quickly!
Go help pull her out!

We'll save you!

You've got nothing to worry about!
We've got you!

Don't light it yet.
There's human lives in there!

Don't worry! We'll save you!

She was unsaveable, Sarge.

Parker, light the fuse.

- No, it's too moist, Sarge.
- Use the flame to dry it out.

- Light it, Parker! Light it!
- Quickly, Parker! Quickly!

Hurry up!

- It's not lighting!
- Time is of the essence, Parker!

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Go, go, go! Move! Run for cover!

OK.

This is gonna be a good one,
I reckon, eh?

Are you sure it's lit?

It doesn't look like
it's lit anymore.

I saw a light go when you lit it.

I guess that wick must have got
rained on and it's not gonna work.

That thing is gonna absorb
the whole city now.

Can't win them all, Sarge.

Look, I reckon I should
go and have a look at it.

I reckon O'Leary might as well look.
I mean, she's the...

- Bravest.
- ..closest.

- Hey. I'm gonna go. Ready?
- All right.

Three, two, one.

(FIREWORKS EXPLODE)

Oh!

- Right in my eye!
- Ugh!

So, we've dealt with the problem.

- The sewers have been damaged.
- Uh, irreparably.

We were hoping they can be
repaired shortly.

Um, obviously there were
some casualties.

It was a really tough judgement call,

but, I mean, if we hadn't
acted in time,

then the whole city
would have become a fatberg.

Although, the majority
of the feedback

coming from inside the fatberg
was positive.

Yeah, but we're pretty sure

that most people didn't want to
become part of an enormous blob.

Just depends whether you're
a team player or not.

Hey. Hey, look. Look, look.

- The people survived.
- Oh, look.

- Evan.
- Kevin?

Kevin.

You see, I thought there might be,
like, a slim possibility

that the...the elastic nature
of the fatberg

would act as a shock absorber,

thereby absorbing the impact of the
explosion and protecting the people.

- Mmm.
- Did you?

Yeah.

They're looking a bit
worse for wear.

- Look at that one.
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- Covered in goop.

And that one.

I still maintain, you know,
great work by the team.

- Oh, yeah. No, we nailed it.
- Yeah, absolutely.

- It's a really good result.
- Yeah.

Hey, uh...like, there's some of it
still alive there.

Oh, no.

Anyone got a lighter?