Welcome to Sweden (2014–2015): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript
The whole family Wiik going on their traditional ski excursion and Bruce overestimate their ability skiers. Emma, however brag about how good skier she is and that she even hit Anja Persson in a race as a child which Bruce has hard to believe. When Emma suddenly see Anja of the hill, she becomes obsessed with the show for Bruce that she told the truth. For Birger's traditions important and he does everything to make our trip will be as it always has been, but is forced to realize that times förändrats.Gustav forced to take hold of his life by Emma and Bruce and instead to follow along and go skiing, he gives out to try to fix a flat. Something that proves more difficult than he thought.
(Clattering)
Bruce: Ah! Ahhh! Crap sandwich.
Are you okay, honey?
All right, you know what?
I have had enough, okay?
Gustaf left these laying
around in the hallway.
Actually that was me,
because we're going skiing today.
- It's a family tradition.
- Oh.
Sounds nice. Have fun.
Yeah, but you're coming with.
We're family now, remember?
So can you ski?
Can I ski? Uh, no.
I played baseball and basketball
for four years in college,
but I can't walk on snow.
(Laughing) Can you ski?
Well, I'm okay, I guess.
I mean, I-I used to compete,
like, when I was younger,
but that's a long time ago now.
- Check this out.
- Now I'm not... What's this?
What do you mean, what's this?
This is my high school scrapbook.
My parents put it together.
Check it out: MVP.
Oh, my God, this is amazing.
- I know, I was really good.
- No, no,
the fact that you kept this is amazing.
Aww, that's so cute.
Of course I kept it.
I was a great athlete.
Of course you were, honey.
Where's your scrapbook?
Well, I don't have one.
Maybe 'cause you didn't have
anything to put in there.
Or maybe I did.
I once beat Anja Parson in a race.
Okay, nobody knows who that is.
She's only one of the best
downhill skiers ever.
Olympic champion.
Yeah, but the Winter Olympics.
That's like the Olympics
for pale people.
You know what, honey?
Sometimes I'm really happy
no one is around to hear you speak.
Okay, you know what? You're
just jealous of my scrapbook.
(Clacking)
Get your own.
♪ We're not living in America ♪
♪ But we're not sorry ♪
♪ I knew there was something ♪
♪ That we never had ♪
♪ We don't worry ♪
♪ No, we're not living in America ♪
♪ But we're not sorry, no ♪
♪ We don't care about the world today ♪
♪ We're not sorry ♪
♪ For you ♪
♪ My baby, baby, baby, baby ♪
So what's your plan, Gustaf?
Two, maybe three eggs.
Orange juice.
I don't know. Cheese, candy.
Okay, I'm... I'm
thinking of a life plan.
You know, you need to make a checklist.
- (Crack)
- Like, apartment, job, girlfriend.
- Maybe a dog.
- Oh, so many things.
It's, like, four things.
And you should focus
on the apartment first.
News flash, Emma: I'm
living here, so check.
Okay, uncheck. You can't stay here.
Have you even started
looking for other places?
Gustaf: No.
Maybe that's part of
the problem, you know?
You won't find a place if you
don't start looking for one.
As the old saying goes:
it's when you least look for something
that you find it... most.
I don't think that's an old saying.
Do you want me to help you?
No! Don't treat me like a child.
I'm thirty and a half years old.
I can do this by myself.
Okay.
Gustaf: So, what's on the list again?
Apartment.
- Apartment.
- Job.
Job...
- Girlfriend.
- Girlfriend.
Dog...
Got it. Let's get started.
Mmm.
Apartments are this way.
- What?
- The apartments are this way.
I know. This is the freezer, Bruce.
- No, that's the refrigerator.
- The refrigerator.
(Gentle thumping)
(Thumping)
(Tongue clicking)
Check it out.
Look how good these look.
Mm, those are my old ones.
- These are women's pants?
- Yeah,
but don't worry. You look hot.
Oh, my God, look at your ass!
You look like J. Lo.
Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
- It... depends, I guess.
- (Door closing)
Dog. Check.
You bought a dog?
You can't buy and sell dogs, Bruce,
they're not human beings.
Okay, there's so much wrong
with that statement,
I don't even know where to begin.
What's its name?
Well, he can't tell me, can he?
I hereby name you...
Gustaf's Dog.
I think you started on the
wrong end of the list.
I said apartment and job first.
Well, it just so happens
that I'm going see an apartment today.
So, in your face!
Ah, poor dog.
- Gustaf's Dog.
- Poor, Gustaf's Dog.
(Music)
(Music)
No, Bruce, Bruce. I-I'll pack the car.
You know, the packing has to be...
To be safe.
Why does everyone keep saying Bruce?
(All singing)
Did you hear that, Gustaf's Dog?
There's seven more rooms.
Hello, my name is Cecilia.
Hello. Hello, old lady.
Yes. (Strained laugh)
Birger: (Singing)
(Singing continues)
(Laughing)
It's an old pile of garbage.
It's not that bad.
No, it's literally an
old pile of garbage.
(Music)
(Electronic beep)
(Annoyed sigh)
Honey, you have something on here,
you know, so...
- You're a child.
- It was funny though.
Emma: Ah, that's us!
So, this guy needs, uh,
to rent a pair of skis.
- Then you've come to the right place.
- Mm.
Eh, what level are you, sir?
I don't know, probably like...
semi-advanced.
Semi-advanced?
I'm guessing somewhere in
between advanced and expert.
Like, how much have you skied before?
Before today?
Uh, technically never,
but I was a really good
athlete in high school.
- You never skied?
- No.
Then I would recommend our
ski school, for beginners.
If you come with me please.
Beginners? No, I can walk.
I've never been a beginner at anything.
Maybe that's a good idea honey.
For what, to learn how to walk
with long shoes on snow?
- Yeah.
- Are you going to go to ski school?
No, because I know how to ski.
I once beat Anja Parson in this slope.
When I was 12.
- Wow. Well done.
- Thank you.
Except, she has no evidence of it.
No pictures; there's no scrapbook
- or anything like that, so.
- We Swedes don't like to brag,
unlike some Americans.
(Singsong) Kind of sounds like
you're bragging right now.
Well, actually,
Anja is here today.
So you could just ask her.
- She is? For real?
- Yeah.
Then she'll tell you.
- So, beginners skis for you, sir?
- Emma: Yes.
And then we want to sign
up for the ski school.
Okay, I'll do it,
but it's not going to
take me long, okay?
It's going to be no problem whatsoever.
Okay, let's ski this mo-fo.
I don't now how to...
talk ski language...
- No.
- No.
(Music)
(Laugh)
(Shouting)
I'm sorry, I don't speak any Swedish.
Children: Okay.
We start by warming up
your hands and wrists.
Can we move this along?
I just need to know the basics,
then I'm out of here.
Warming up is important
to don't hurt yourself.
Okay,
one by one,
ski down into my arms.
Good! Good work.
(Music)
Instructor: Here...
Ehh, take your skis like this, Yeah...
- down and out.
- Yeah. Yeah.
(Music)
Up with you again I'll get it,
- and try again.
- I'll get it.
You'll get it soon.
Bruce: Thanks.
You know what, this is crap.
I'm going to make a run for it.
I'll see you on the outside.
Instructor: Here, wait!
Here, I will help you back.
- You must turn around.
- Yeah, I know.
It's much tougher than I thought.
- You'll fix it.
- I got it.
Ohh, I'm sorry I'm late.
I've been chasing Anja Parson
for almost an hour now.
She's pretty fast nowadays.
What's that?
I have no idea.
It's going much slower
than I would like.
Really? I thought you
were mister athlete.
I am. I'm good at sports,
but skiing is not a sport.
It's not?
No, it's an activity.
There's no ball.
Sport has to have hand-eye coordination,
not hand-foot coordination.
So, what about soccer?
Soccer is technically a sport,
but it's way below all
the other handsy sports.
(Cellphone ringing)
Do you ever think before you speak?
- It's my mother, sorry.
- Right.
I've got to take this.
In your face!
Whoo! Yeah!
(Chanting) Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?
So what are you
up to today, Bruce?
Bruce: (On phone) Uh,
actually we're skiing.
Hey, you're not going to believe this,
but over here they think that's a sport.
- No way.
- I know!
It's unbelievable, right?
Nancy: (On phone) Skiing is like walking
on long shoes in the snow.
That's hilarious that they
think skiing is a sport.
You live in a very
strange country, Bruce.
I know, strange,
but it's actually pretty beautiful.
You guys should really come
visit in the winter sometime.
- Oh, we will.
- Yeah, maybe next winter,
if you guys want to
book a trip or something...
On Friday.
- What?
- Yes, we are coming on Friday.
- This Friday?
- Yes!
I mean, you and Emma are so busy
planning the wedding, right?
And so me and Dad are
just going to come over.
We'll help out and we'll just
plan everything for you,
make sure everything turns out right.
Big surprise, huh?
Yeahh...
Oh, Brucie, I wish I could
see your face right now.
This Friday?
Yeah, this Friday.
And they've already
booked their tickets.
So hypothetically,
if you want to cancel someone
else's ticket, how would you do it?
You know what else she said?
Skiing is not a sport.
Oh well, I guess it's settled then.
Yeah, it's an activity.
And I just mastered it.
What?
I just mastered the
fine activity of skiing.
You just mastered the
fine activity of skiing?
- Yeah, I think so.
- We have time for one more run
- if you want to.
- I wish I could,
but the slope's already closed.
The kids' slope, yes.
I would, I certainly would,
but, um, I'm sore
from all this advanced skiing.
Come on, you can go with
me in the big slope
now that you've totally mastered skiing.
Listen, all I'm saying is it's not as
hard as I thought it was going to be.
Okay? They said I was one
of their best students.
Yeah, but the other
students were kids, honey.
Come on, I just want to see
how good you've become.
First, you have something here.
(Wheezing laugh)
You're so gullible.
Listen, babe, I love you,
you know that, right?
Let's just forget about this.
We'll go back inside,
- It's on.
- Forget this ever hap...
What is on? I don't...
What are you doing?
I'm warming up. It's
important to warm up.
Okay. So let's go.
Hey, can't we just wait a bit?
- Why?
- Okay, you know what?
Maybe you were right, all right?
Maybe Americans tend to
over-exaggerate a bit and brag a bit,
but you Swedes, you do the opposite.
That's even worse.
Okay? You said you
weren't good at skiing.
You're great at skiing.
You're super good.
You should have your
own friggin' scrapbook.
I know! So let's race.
- One, two, three...
- I can't!
I can't, okay? I can't!
It's too steep and I'm
freaking out up here!
Honey, honey, relax, okay?
I'm just joking.
I'm actually really surprised
you even made it to the top.
Okay, I'm proud of you.
Babe, I love you. I'll help you down.
Okay? Give me a kiss.
That I can do.
(Shouting) Anja?
Anja!
Oh, God.
(Music)
(Music)
What do you say, Gustaf's Dog?
Gustaf's Dog?
Gustaf's Dog!
What have you done?
On the Persian rug?
I mean, it's just like walking on snow.
You know? It's not a sport.
There's no ball.
Sport has to have a ball.
So what is it that you do?
Uh, I'm a professional skier.
Hm.
Yeah, sometimes I speak before I think.
There you are.
- Oh, hey!
- Hi.
- Hi. Oh, you got stuff...
- Not funny.
- No, no...
- Not funny.
Bruce: Honey, you have something
on the side of your face...
- Stop it, please. It's for real this time.
- Not now!
Bruce: Honey, you have something.
- Not now, okay?
- I'm not...
(Laughing)
Oh my God, what a sore loser she is.
Honey, you have stuff all over...
- It's not funny, okay?
- It's all over your f...
- Come on.
- Okay, fine, do it yourself.
Just... touch it yourself.
Oh, my God.
- I have snot all over my face.
- I...
Bruce, why didn't you tell me?
(Pounding table)
- I tried to tell you, like, ten times.
- Now Anja thinks
I'm some super competitive,
nagging snot-face!
Is there any part of
that that's not true?
It's not funny.
Snot funny.
- God.
- Snot the end of the world.
This is the deal, Gustaf's Dog.
You poop too much.
I told you this before...
and it's either my way or the highway.
So, I'm sorry to say
you're no longer Gustaf's Dog.
You're just dog.
Run, dog.
Run free.
Bruce: Ah! Ahhh! Crap sandwich.
Are you okay, honey?
All right, you know what?
I have had enough, okay?
Gustaf left these laying
around in the hallway.
Actually that was me,
because we're going skiing today.
- It's a family tradition.
- Oh.
Sounds nice. Have fun.
Yeah, but you're coming with.
We're family now, remember?
So can you ski?
Can I ski? Uh, no.
I played baseball and basketball
for four years in college,
but I can't walk on snow.
(Laughing) Can you ski?
Well, I'm okay, I guess.
I mean, I-I used to compete,
like, when I was younger,
but that's a long time ago now.
- Check this out.
- Now I'm not... What's this?
What do you mean, what's this?
This is my high school scrapbook.
My parents put it together.
Check it out: MVP.
Oh, my God, this is amazing.
- I know, I was really good.
- No, no,
the fact that you kept this is amazing.
Aww, that's so cute.
Of course I kept it.
I was a great athlete.
Of course you were, honey.
Where's your scrapbook?
Well, I don't have one.
Maybe 'cause you didn't have
anything to put in there.
Or maybe I did.
I once beat Anja Parson in a race.
Okay, nobody knows who that is.
She's only one of the best
downhill skiers ever.
Olympic champion.
Yeah, but the Winter Olympics.
That's like the Olympics
for pale people.
You know what, honey?
Sometimes I'm really happy
no one is around to hear you speak.
Okay, you know what? You're
just jealous of my scrapbook.
(Clacking)
Get your own.
♪ We're not living in America ♪
♪ But we're not sorry ♪
♪ I knew there was something ♪
♪ That we never had ♪
♪ We don't worry ♪
♪ No, we're not living in America ♪
♪ But we're not sorry, no ♪
♪ We don't care about the world today ♪
♪ We're not sorry ♪
♪ For you ♪
♪ My baby, baby, baby, baby ♪
So what's your plan, Gustaf?
Two, maybe three eggs.
Orange juice.
I don't know. Cheese, candy.
Okay, I'm... I'm
thinking of a life plan.
You know, you need to make a checklist.
- (Crack)
- Like, apartment, job, girlfriend.
- Maybe a dog.
- Oh, so many things.
It's, like, four things.
And you should focus
on the apartment first.
News flash, Emma: I'm
living here, so check.
Okay, uncheck. You can't stay here.
Have you even started
looking for other places?
Gustaf: No.
Maybe that's part of
the problem, you know?
You won't find a place if you
don't start looking for one.
As the old saying goes:
it's when you least look for something
that you find it... most.
I don't think that's an old saying.
Do you want me to help you?
No! Don't treat me like a child.
I'm thirty and a half years old.
I can do this by myself.
Okay.
Gustaf: So, what's on the list again?
Apartment.
- Apartment.
- Job.
Job...
- Girlfriend.
- Girlfriend.
Dog...
Got it. Let's get started.
Mmm.
Apartments are this way.
- What?
- The apartments are this way.
I know. This is the freezer, Bruce.
- No, that's the refrigerator.
- The refrigerator.
(Gentle thumping)
(Thumping)
(Tongue clicking)
Check it out.
Look how good these look.
Mm, those are my old ones.
- These are women's pants?
- Yeah,
but don't worry. You look hot.
Oh, my God, look at your ass!
You look like J. Lo.
Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
- It... depends, I guess.
- (Door closing)
Dog. Check.
You bought a dog?
You can't buy and sell dogs, Bruce,
they're not human beings.
Okay, there's so much wrong
with that statement,
I don't even know where to begin.
What's its name?
Well, he can't tell me, can he?
I hereby name you...
Gustaf's Dog.
I think you started on the
wrong end of the list.
I said apartment and job first.
Well, it just so happens
that I'm going see an apartment today.
So, in your face!
Ah, poor dog.
- Gustaf's Dog.
- Poor, Gustaf's Dog.
(Music)
(Music)
No, Bruce, Bruce. I-I'll pack the car.
You know, the packing has to be...
To be safe.
Why does everyone keep saying Bruce?
(All singing)
Did you hear that, Gustaf's Dog?
There's seven more rooms.
Hello, my name is Cecilia.
Hello. Hello, old lady.
Yes. (Strained laugh)
Birger: (Singing)
(Singing continues)
(Laughing)
It's an old pile of garbage.
It's not that bad.
No, it's literally an
old pile of garbage.
(Music)
(Electronic beep)
(Annoyed sigh)
Honey, you have something on here,
you know, so...
- You're a child.
- It was funny though.
Emma: Ah, that's us!
So, this guy needs, uh,
to rent a pair of skis.
- Then you've come to the right place.
- Mm.
Eh, what level are you, sir?
I don't know, probably like...
semi-advanced.
Semi-advanced?
I'm guessing somewhere in
between advanced and expert.
Like, how much have you skied before?
Before today?
Uh, technically never,
but I was a really good
athlete in high school.
- You never skied?
- No.
Then I would recommend our
ski school, for beginners.
If you come with me please.
Beginners? No, I can walk.
I've never been a beginner at anything.
Maybe that's a good idea honey.
For what, to learn how to walk
with long shoes on snow?
- Yeah.
- Are you going to go to ski school?
No, because I know how to ski.
I once beat Anja Parson in this slope.
When I was 12.
- Wow. Well done.
- Thank you.
Except, she has no evidence of it.
No pictures; there's no scrapbook
- or anything like that, so.
- We Swedes don't like to brag,
unlike some Americans.
(Singsong) Kind of sounds like
you're bragging right now.
Well, actually,
Anja is here today.
So you could just ask her.
- She is? For real?
- Yeah.
Then she'll tell you.
- So, beginners skis for you, sir?
- Emma: Yes.
And then we want to sign
up for the ski school.
Okay, I'll do it,
but it's not going to
take me long, okay?
It's going to be no problem whatsoever.
Okay, let's ski this mo-fo.
I don't now how to...
talk ski language...
- No.
- No.
(Music)
(Laugh)
(Shouting)
I'm sorry, I don't speak any Swedish.
Children: Okay.
We start by warming up
your hands and wrists.
Can we move this along?
I just need to know the basics,
then I'm out of here.
Warming up is important
to don't hurt yourself.
Okay,
one by one,
ski down into my arms.
Good! Good work.
(Music)
Instructor: Here...
Ehh, take your skis like this, Yeah...
- down and out.
- Yeah. Yeah.
(Music)
Up with you again I'll get it,
- and try again.
- I'll get it.
You'll get it soon.
Bruce: Thanks.
You know what, this is crap.
I'm going to make a run for it.
I'll see you on the outside.
Instructor: Here, wait!
Here, I will help you back.
- You must turn around.
- Yeah, I know.
It's much tougher than I thought.
- You'll fix it.
- I got it.
Ohh, I'm sorry I'm late.
I've been chasing Anja Parson
for almost an hour now.
She's pretty fast nowadays.
What's that?
I have no idea.
It's going much slower
than I would like.
Really? I thought you
were mister athlete.
I am. I'm good at sports,
but skiing is not a sport.
It's not?
No, it's an activity.
There's no ball.
Sport has to have hand-eye coordination,
not hand-foot coordination.
So, what about soccer?
Soccer is technically a sport,
but it's way below all
the other handsy sports.
(Cellphone ringing)
Do you ever think before you speak?
- It's my mother, sorry.
- Right.
I've got to take this.
In your face!
Whoo! Yeah!
(Chanting) Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?
So what are you
up to today, Bruce?
Bruce: (On phone) Uh,
actually we're skiing.
Hey, you're not going to believe this,
but over here they think that's a sport.
- No way.
- I know!
It's unbelievable, right?
Nancy: (On phone) Skiing is like walking
on long shoes in the snow.
That's hilarious that they
think skiing is a sport.
You live in a very
strange country, Bruce.
I know, strange,
but it's actually pretty beautiful.
You guys should really come
visit in the winter sometime.
- Oh, we will.
- Yeah, maybe next winter,
if you guys want to
book a trip or something...
On Friday.
- What?
- Yes, we are coming on Friday.
- This Friday?
- Yes!
I mean, you and Emma are so busy
planning the wedding, right?
And so me and Dad are
just going to come over.
We'll help out and we'll just
plan everything for you,
make sure everything turns out right.
Big surprise, huh?
Yeahh...
Oh, Brucie, I wish I could
see your face right now.
This Friday?
Yeah, this Friday.
And they've already
booked their tickets.
So hypothetically,
if you want to cancel someone
else's ticket, how would you do it?
You know what else she said?
Skiing is not a sport.
Oh well, I guess it's settled then.
Yeah, it's an activity.
And I just mastered it.
What?
I just mastered the
fine activity of skiing.
You just mastered the
fine activity of skiing?
- Yeah, I think so.
- We have time for one more run
- if you want to.
- I wish I could,
but the slope's already closed.
The kids' slope, yes.
I would, I certainly would,
but, um, I'm sore
from all this advanced skiing.
Come on, you can go with
me in the big slope
now that you've totally mastered skiing.
Listen, all I'm saying is it's not as
hard as I thought it was going to be.
Okay? They said I was one
of their best students.
Yeah, but the other
students were kids, honey.
Come on, I just want to see
how good you've become.
First, you have something here.
(Wheezing laugh)
You're so gullible.
Listen, babe, I love you,
you know that, right?
Let's just forget about this.
We'll go back inside,
- It's on.
- Forget this ever hap...
What is on? I don't...
What are you doing?
I'm warming up. It's
important to warm up.
Okay. So let's go.
Hey, can't we just wait a bit?
- Why?
- Okay, you know what?
Maybe you were right, all right?
Maybe Americans tend to
over-exaggerate a bit and brag a bit,
but you Swedes, you do the opposite.
That's even worse.
Okay? You said you
weren't good at skiing.
You're great at skiing.
You're super good.
You should have your
own friggin' scrapbook.
I know! So let's race.
- One, two, three...
- I can't!
I can't, okay? I can't!
It's too steep and I'm
freaking out up here!
Honey, honey, relax, okay?
I'm just joking.
I'm actually really surprised
you even made it to the top.
Okay, I'm proud of you.
Babe, I love you. I'll help you down.
Okay? Give me a kiss.
That I can do.
(Shouting) Anja?
Anja!
Oh, God.
(Music)
(Music)
What do you say, Gustaf's Dog?
Gustaf's Dog?
Gustaf's Dog!
What have you done?
On the Persian rug?
I mean, it's just like walking on snow.
You know? It's not a sport.
There's no ball.
Sport has to have a ball.
So what is it that you do?
Uh, I'm a professional skier.
Hm.
Yeah, sometimes I speak before I think.
There you are.
- Oh, hey!
- Hi.
- Hi. Oh, you got stuff...
- Not funny.
- No, no...
- Not funny.
Bruce: Honey, you have something
on the side of your face...
- Stop it, please. It's for real this time.
- Not now!
Bruce: Honey, you have something.
- Not now, okay?
- I'm not...
(Laughing)
Oh my God, what a sore loser she is.
Honey, you have stuff all over...
- It's not funny, okay?
- It's all over your f...
- Come on.
- Okay, fine, do it yourself.
Just... touch it yourself.
Oh, my God.
- I have snot all over my face.
- I...
Bruce, why didn't you tell me?
(Pounding table)
- I tried to tell you, like, ten times.
- Now Anja thinks
I'm some super competitive,
nagging snot-face!
Is there any part of
that that's not true?
It's not funny.
Snot funny.
- God.
- Snot the end of the world.
This is the deal, Gustaf's Dog.
You poop too much.
I told you this before...
and it's either my way or the highway.
So, I'm sorry to say
you're no longer Gustaf's Dog.
You're just dog.
Run, dog.
Run free.