Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 2, Episode 9 - Hello Ms. Chips - full transcript
I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW
CROWDED THAT STORE WAS.
I THINK EVERYBODY LEFT
THEIR SHOPPING TILL TONIGHT.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT, THOSE
WOMEN, THEY'RE CRAZY.
- I KNOW.
- PUSHING, SHOVING.
BUMPING INTO ME.
I'M GOING BACK TOMORROW.
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
♪
KOTTER, I'D LIKE YOU
TO MEET MS. WRIGHT.
MS. WRIGHT!
WELL, MY MOTHER ALWAYS
SAID I'D MEET YOU SOME DAY.
THANK YOU.
THIS MS. WRIGHT
HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH YOUR SICK
FANTASIES, KOTTER.
LEAVE MY SICK FANTASIES
OUT OF THIS, MR. WOODMAN,
AT LEAST UNTIL YOU GET ME
THAT OSTRICH I REQUESTED.
MS. WRIGHT IS A PHI BETA KAPPA
GRADUATE OF JONES COLLEGE
SPECIALLY TRAINED
IN REMEDIAL METHODS.
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS WANTS HER
TO HAVE ON-THE-JOB TRAINING
UNTIL SHE GETS HER OWN CLASS.
OH, LIKE, UH, STUDENT TEACH.
WELL, IN MY SCHOOL,
WE'RE REFERRED TO
AS EDUCATIONAL
GUIDANCE ASSOCIATES.
IN THIS SCHOOL, YOU'LL BE
REFERRED TO AS HAMBURGER HELPER.
UH, MAKE YOURSELF
AT HOME, LOOK AROUND.
NOW, WATCH HER
CAREFULLY, KOTTER.
REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE LAST STUDENT TEACHER.
WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?
OH, SHE'S DOING FINE.
SHE, UH, SENT ME A CERAMIC
WALLET FROM THE HOME.
SO, YOU MAJORED IN GHETTO, HUH?
YES, AND THIS IS
WONDERFUL, IT'S SO REMEDIAL.
IT'S JUST LIKE OUR MOCK-UP ROOM
IN EDUCATIONAL
DEVELOPMENT AND GUIDANCE.
RIGHT, RIGHT, SLUM
TRAINING 101, I TOOK IT TWICE.
LET ME SHOW YOU AROUND.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS A
VERY FAMOUS CLASSROOM.
IN FACT, IN THIS CHAIR RIGHT
HERE ONCE SAT BONZO...
MORETTI.
YES, I'VE HEARD OF HIM.
- YOU HAVE?
- MM-HM.
THERE'S A WHOLE CHAPTER ABOUT
HIM IN ONE OF OUR TEXTBOOKS.
IT'S CALLED, "THERE
ARE NO BAD BOYS,
SO PLEASE DON'T SHOOT."
YOU KNOW, BONZO WASN'T
THE TOUGHEST KID IN MY CLASS.
TOUGHEST KID WAS
BENITO BLOOMBERG.
BENITO WAS VOTED MOST
LIKELY TO INVADE POLAND.
SAT RIGHT OVER THERE,
RIGHT IN BETWEEN
RAMON "I CAN EAT MORE
HAMBURGERS THAN YOU" BENSON
AND PHYLLIS "I'M
SAVING EVERYTHING
FOR MY SECOND
MARRIAGE" FEINSTEIN.
IT'S A VERY FAMOUS
CLASSROOM HERE, MS. WRIGHT.
SOME OF THE BEST
TEACHERS IN THIS CITY
HAVE PASSED THROUGH
THESE WINDOWS.
OH, I LOVE IT.
STUDENT'S NEVER CHANGE, DO THEY?
"ARNOLD IS EASY."
"CALL VINNIE, HE DELIVERS."
"JUAN EPSTEIN..." DOES WHAT?
TO WHOM?
UH, MS. WRIGHT, DON'T
PAY ANY ATTENTION TO THAT.
THEY LIKE TO BRAG.
WHAT IS THAT? EMERGENCY
PHONE NUMBERS?
OH, NO, I GUESS YOU
COULD CALL IT MY BIBLE.
WELL, IT MIGHT WORK ON
VAMPIRES, BUT NOT SWEATHOGS.
THIS IS THE JONES
COLLEGE GUIDEBOOK
FOR REMEDIAL SPECIALISTS.
I RELY ON IT FOR EVERYTHING.
I SHOULD WARN YOU,
ONE TEACHER TO ANOTHER,
THAT THESE KIDS ARE
NOT OUT OF ANY BOOKS.
THIS IS LIKE WORKING
IN AN AMUSEMENT PARK.
IT'S LIKE GOING THROUGH
A LION COUNTRY SAFARI
WEARING A MEATLOAF SUIT.
WELL, IT'S TIME TO ENTER
THE MAGIC KINGDOM.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
YOU WILL, JUST FOLLOW ME.
HERE THEY ARE, HELD OVER
FOR THE SECOND
STRAIGHT SEMESTER.
LIVING COLOR.
♪ HI-HO, HI-HO, HI-HO ♪
♪ HI-HO ♪
♪ IT'S OFF TO SCHOOL WE GO ♪
WELL, I'D LIKE YOU ALL
TO MEET SOMEBODY.
EVERYBODY SAY HELLO TO
YOUR NEW STUDENT TEACHER,
MS. WRIGHT.
YOU ARE GONNA TEACH?
HERE?
US?
I'M SO SORRY.
LOOK, THEY BROUGHT US A ROOKIE.
YEAH, I GIVE HER
TWO WEEKS WITH US,
AND SHE'S GONNA SHAVE HER
HEAD AND BE SELLING INCENSE
ON THE CORNER OF 42ND STREET.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
LOOK, MS. WRIGHT IS GONNA BE
SPENDING A COUPLE DAYS WITH US.
I WANT YOU TO SHOW
HER SOME RESPECT.
HEY, MAN... HELLO? HELLO?
JUST SHOW HER THE SAME
RESPECT YOU SHOW ME, OKAY?
HELLO? HELLO?
SHOW HER THE SAME
RESPECT YOU SHOW ME
WHEN I THREATEN TO KEEP
EVERYBODY AFTER SCHOOL
UNTIL AUGUST.
- ♪ HELLO ♪
- ♪ HELLO ♪
- ♪ HELLO ♪
- ♪ HELLO ♪
HELLO, MS. WRIGHT.
WELL, THESE ARE YOUR
BASIC SWEATHOGS.
NOW I THINK IT'S TIME
WE STARTED CLASS.
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT.
OKAY, NOW I HAVE JUST
COMPLETED GRADING YOUR ESSAYS
ON "IF I WERE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES,"
AND I FOUND THEM...
SO VERY INTERESTING
THAT I THINK SOME OF
THEM HAVE TO BE SHARED
WITH THE REST OF THE CLASS.
AW, COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, I WOULD LIKE
TO START OUT WITH THIS ONE.
IT HAS A REAL SNAPPY TITLE.
"IF I WERE THE DC MAIN MAN."
IT'S BY MR. F. B.B. WASHINGTON.
THE B.B. STANDS FOR "BOOM BOOM."
SINCE YOU'RE SO PROUD OF THIS,
WHY DON'T YOU READ
IT FOR EVERYBODY.
ALL RIGHT.
HI, THERE.
IF I WAS THE PREZ,
THERE WOULD BE EQUALITY
FOR EVERYONE, I SAY.
- WHY?
- WHY?
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE I BELIEVE... IN CHANGE.
I THINK WE SHOULD CHANGE
OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM,
OR AT LEAST GET A
BETTER DRUMMER!
I ASK YOU, DID YOU,
DID YOU EVER TRY TO DANCE
TO THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER?
YES, BROTHERS AND SISTERS.
I BELIEVE IN CHANGE.
YOU GOT ANY IDEAS FOR
CHANGE, YOU SEND THEM TO ME.
YOU AIN'T GOT NO CHANGE,
JUST SEND A FOLD IN MONEY.
I WANT YOUR THOUGHTS,
I WANT YOUR IDEAS,
BUT MOSTLY, I WANT YOUR MONEY!
ALL MAJOR CREDIT CARDS ACCEPTED.
HALLELUJAH, BABY!
THANK YOU, REVEREND IKE.
NEXT, WE HAVE A YOUNG MAN
WHOM WE'VE ALL COME TO
EXPECT BIG THINGS FROM.
SO FAR, WE ARE STILL EXPECTING,
BUT ANY DAY NOW.
MR. ARNOLD HORSHACK.
ALL RIGHT, ARNOLD!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
NO, REALLY, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
AHEM.
"IF I WAS PRESIDENT OF
THESE UNITED STATES,"
BY ARNOLD HORSHACK.
IF I WAS PRESIDENT OF
THESE UNITED STATES,
I WOULD DO AWAY WITH THE
OFFICE OF VICE PRESIDENT.
WHY DO I NEED AN UNDERSTUDY?
I WOULD APPOINT VINNIE BARBARINO
AS MY MINISTER OF AFFAIRS.
JUAN EPSTEIN... HI, JUAN!
HE WOULD BE MY
SECRETARY OF HURTING.
AND MR. KOTTER WILL HEAD
THE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH,
EDUCATION, AND GROUCHO.
THANK YOU, ARNOLD,
HOW THIS ELEPHANT
GOT IN MY PAJAMAS,
I'LL NEVER KNOW.
OH, MR. KOTTER!
MS. WRIGHT, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO TAKE THE WHEEL FOR A WHILE?
GO AHEAD.
HELLO, BOYS AND GIRLS.
I'M... MS... WRI-I-IGHT.
HELLO AGAIN, MS. WRI-I-IGHT.
NOW, THE FIRST THING
TO DO WOULD BE TO...
CHECK YOUR SEATING.
WHAT FOR?
TO MAKE SURE
YOU'RE ALPHABETICAL.
WELL, I AIN'T. I'M ITALIAN.
NO, I MEAN... ♪ A, B, C, D ♪
♪ G, E, F ♪
I HEARD THAT, IT'S A GOOD TUNE.
WELL, ARE YOU?
WHAT?
SITTING IN THE ORDER
OF THE ALPHABET?
WHERE?
IN THIS CLASS.
HEY, ALLOW ME TO RECTIFY
MYSELF, MS. WRIGHT.
WE ARE ALPHABETICAL.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
JUAN EPSTEIN.
DOES WHAT TO WHO?
DON'T TOUCH ME!
I'M SORRY, I FORGOT MYSELF.
UM, WELL, MR. EPSTEIN,
ALPHABETICALLY,
SHOULDN'T THE A'S
BE SITTING WHERE YOU ARE?
WELL, YEAH, THAT'S
ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.
YOU SEE, 'CAUSE LIKE EVERY
TIME I COME INTO THE ROOM,
EVERYBODY GOES, "'EY, EPSTEIN!"
♪ 'EY, EPSTEIN, EPSTEIN ♪
♪ EPSTEIN, RAH, RAH ♪
YEAH, BABY.
OH, OH!
OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH!
OH, OH!
AND I SHOULD BE SITTING
WHERE THE O'S SIT,
BECAUSE AT LEAST
ONCE IN EVERY CLASS,
I GO, "OH, OH, OH,
OH, OH, OH, OH!"
YOU DO THAT EVERY
MINUTE OF THE DAY.
UH, CHILDREN NOW, QUIET.
CHILDREN, UH... QUIET!
UHH... NOW...
ANOTHER WAY FOR US TO
GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER
IS, UH, FOR EACH OF YOU TO, UH,
STAND AND TELL ME A LITTLE BIT
ABOUT YOUR ETHNIC BACKGROUND.
THAT WILL ALSO GIVE ME A CHANCE
TO CHECK YOUR RACIAL BALANCE.
WELL, WE EITHER COME OUT
WITH HALF A PUERTO RICAN
OR HALF A JEW LEFT OVER.
MY FAMILY, WE COULDN'T
AFFORD OUR OWN BACKGROUND.
WE SHARED OURS WITH A
CHINESE FAMILY DOWNSTAIRS.
YOU EVER TRY MOO GOO GAI GRITS?
MY GRANDPARENTS,
THEY CAME FROM SICILY
IN A BOTTOM OF A BOAT
FILLED WITH OLIVE OIL.
THE MINUTE IT DOCKED,
THEY SLID INTO BROOKLYN.
MS. WRIGHT, I TRACED
MY FAMILY TREE...
AND I FOUND OUT THAT
THREE OF MY UNCLES
ALL DIED OF DUTCH ELM DISEASE.
YEAH, AND YOU'RE A LITTLE SAP.
WELL, YOUR FAMILY
SWINGS IN TREES, JUAN.
- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH.
OH, TO MAINTAIN
ORDER... ALL RIGHT, GUYS!
GUYS!
TO MAINTAIN ORDER... COOL IT.
I CAN HANDLE IT, MR. KOTTER.
ARE YOU SURE?
MM-HM!
MMM.
EVERYBODY SIT DOWN.
ALL RIGHT, THEN, I THINK
WE SHOULD JUST CONTINUE
WITH WHAT MR. KOTTER WAS
DOING, READING ESSAYS ON
"IF I WERE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES."
I HAVE ONE HERE BY MR. EPSTEIN.
UH, BEGGIN' YOUR PARDON,
MA'AM, BUT, UH, YOU SEE,
I WROTE A POEM
THERE, NOT AN ESSAY,
AND I'D RATHER NOT READ IT.
OH, BUT YOU MUST TAKE
PRIDE IN YOUR WORK.
USE OF NAMES AND
FORCES IDENTITY.
COME ON, MR. KOTTER, DO I GOTTA?
MS. WRIGHT IS THE TEACHER.
OH, WAIT A SECOND NOW.
I HEAR A NOTE
COMING IN FROM HOME.
DEAR MR. KOTTER OR TO
WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,
JUAN CANNOT READ HIS ESSAY.
HE'S HAD A SUDDEN
ATTACK OF... LARYNGITIS?
SIGNED, EPSTEIN'S MOTHER.
STUDENT REFUSES TO READ ESSAY,
STUDENT REFUSES TO READ ESSAY.
READ ESSAY FOR HIM.
VERY WELL, I SHALL HAVE
TO READ THIS FOR YOU.
"IF I WERE PRESIDENT,"
BY MR. EPSTEIN.
"IF I WERE PRESIDENT
FOR JUST ONE DAY,
I'D TAKE EVERYONE'S WORRIES
AND JUST THROW THEM ALL AWAY."
OH, HOW NICE.
OH, HOW NICE! OH, HOW NICE!
"I'D PULL ALL THE WEEDS
AND PLANT SOME FLOWERS
WHERE THEY'D BEEN,
'CAUSE A FLOWER'S LIKE A PERSON,
IT ALWAYS BLOOMS IN THE END."
HEY, I-I ASKED YOU NOT
TO READ IT, I REALLY DID.
THAT'S FOR MR. KOTTER TO READ.
WHAT... WHAT ARE
YOU TRYING TO DO?
YOU COME IN HERE, YOU'RE
TRYING TO CHANGE THINGS,
YOU PUT US IN ALPHABETICAL...
YEAH, YOU PUT US IN
ALPHABETICAL ORDER,
AND THEN YOU ASK US ABOUT
OUR ETHNIC BACKGROUND.
WHAT'S YOUR ETHNIC BACKGROUND?
UH, WHITE BREAD...
NO, THAT'S CAFETERIA.
COME ON, HEY,
IT AIN'T IN A BOOK.
COME ON, IT AIN'T IN THE BOOK.
LOOK AT ME, I'M THE
ONE THAT'S TALKIN' TO YA,
AND I ASKED YA,
AND I ASKED YA NICE
NOT TO READ IT.
ALL RIGHT, JUAN.
COME ON, JUST TAKE IT EASY.
IT'S NOT SUPPOSED
TO BE LIKE THIS.
WELL, CONGRATULATIONS
ON SETTING A NEW RECORD.
YOU JUST DESTROYED A
CAREER IN UNDER TEN MINUTES.
♪
BUCHANAN HIGH!
KOTTER.
LOOKS LIKE A LOT OF MAIL.
HAVE YOU GOT A CHAIN LETTER?
YES.
OH, MS. WRIGHT, LISTEN.
I WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR
WHAT HAPPENED THIS MORNING.
NO, MR. KOTTER,
IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT,
IT WAS MINE.
I'M A FAILURE AS A TEACHER.
I RAN, MR. KOTTER.
I NEVER SHOULD HAVE
MAJORED IN GHETTO.
I SHOULD HAVE MAJORED IN SUBURB.
KOTTER, LOOK, WE'VE
GOT TO HELP HER.
WE NEED HER KIND OF TRAINING,
AND I HAVE A GUT FEELING
THAT THERE'S A HECK OF A
TEACHER IN THERE SOMEWHERE.
PLUS IF PRINCIPAL LAZARUS
FINDS OUT SHE'S QUIT,
IT'S MY DONKEY.
YOUR DONKEY?
IT'S A GOOD ONE,
MR. WOODMAN, REALLY GOOD.
MS. WRIGHT, LOOK.
I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL,
BUT YOU CAN'T LET ONE LITTLE
INCIDENT CAUSE YOU TO QUIT.
I'M SORRY, MR. KOTTER. I'M
JUST NOT PREPARED FOR THEM.
AH, THEY'RE NOTHING.
YOUR GENERATION HAS IT EASY.
WHAT WAS IT LIKE IN
YOUR DAY, MR. WOODMAN?
WELL, LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.
♪ NOBODY KNOWS THE
TROUBLE I'VE SEEN ♪
♪ NOBODY KNOWS THE SORROW ♪
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER
YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT IT,
MR. WOODMAN, BUT
VAUDEVILLE'S DEAD.
BELIEVE ME, KOTTER, THOSE
WERE THE TOUGH YEARS,
BACK WHEN THEY HAD INKWELLS.
YOU EVER DRINK A
THERMOS BOTTLE OF INK?
I COUGHED RORSCHACH
TEST FOR A WHOLE WEEK!
DIDN'T THEY HAVE
SPANKINGS IN THOSE DAYS?
YES, BUT MY STUDENTS
ONLY SPANKED ME ONCE.
MS. WRIGHT, LOOK, LET ME
TRY AND HELP YOU, OKAY?
LET'S PRETEND
THAT THIS IS A CLASS.
NOW, WHAT YOU GOTTA
DO IS YOU GOTTA CAPTURE
THEIR ATTENTION, YOU
KNOW, THEIR IMAGINATION.
NOW, I DO IT WITH HUMOR.
SAY THAT NEW YORK CITY
HAS A FINANCIAL CRISIS.
"HEY, KIDS, YOU
KNOW NEW YORK CITY
HAS A FINANCIAL CRISIS?
I GOT A WAY TO SOLVE IT.
THE MAYOR SHOULD GO
BEGGING ONE DAY A WEEK.
'EXCUSE ME, MISTER, SPARE
$100,000 FOR A NEW BUS?'"
THEN THE CLASS WOULD LAUGH.
RING, RING, RING.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IT'S THE BELL.
THIS IS A PRETEND CLASS.
I'M PRETENDING IT'S OVER.
♪ NOBODY KNOWS THE
TROUBLE I'VE SEEN ♪
♪ NOBODY KNOWS THE SORROW ♪
ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
I KNOW THAT SHE'S NOT
WHAT YOU'RE USED TO,
BUT YOU GOTTA GIVE HER A CHANCE.
I MEAN, YESTERDAY
WAS HER FIRST TIME
IN FRONT OF A REAL CLASS.
OH, THAT'S NICE.
THAT'S THE FIRST TIME YOU
CALLED US A REAL CLASS.
- GOOD MORNING, MS. WRIGHT.
- GOOD MORNING.
- GOOD MORNING, MS. WRIGHT.
- HEY, HOW YOU DOIN'?
WELL, UH, WE JUST GOT UNDERWAY,
YOU WANT TO TAKE
IT FROM THE START?
MM-HM.
AND, UH, THANKS FOR YOUR ADVICE.
I KNOW JUST WHAT TO DO.
UH, MS. WRIGHT, ABOUT YESTERDAY,
I'M REALLY SORRY.
IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW, YOU
WEREN'T CAPTURING MY STYLE.
IN YOUR MOUTH WITH A SANDWICH.
UH...
IT'S NICE TO BE WORKING
HERE AGAIN AT BUCHANAN.
ACTUALLY, IT'S NICE
TO BE WORKING...
ANYWHERE AGAIN.
UH, I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE,
I CAN HEAR YOU BREATHING.
BEING A TEACHER
REMINDS ME OF THE STORY
OF THIS STUDENT
WHO ASKED HIS FATHER,
"WHERE ARE THE HIMALAYAS?"
AND HIS FATHER ANSWERED,
"IF YOU'D PUT YOUR THINGS AWAY
WHEN YOU WERE THROUGH
PLAYING WITH THEM,
MAYBE YOU COULD FIND THEM."
I'M ROLLING!
I HEAR NEW YORK IS
HAVING A FINANCIAL CRISIS.
WHY DON'T WE HAVE A FIRE SALE?
BUT... BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS.
BUT, UH... BUT
SERIOUSLY, MR. KOTTER.
I CAN'T GO ON WITH
THIS, THIS JUST ISN'T ME.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOIN'?
- I'M QUITTING.
HEY, NO, YOU'RE NOT.
NO, YOU CAN'T QUIT.
WHY NOT? I'M A LOUSY TEACHER.
SO WHAT?
IT'S ONLY BECAUSE
WE'RE LOUSY STUDENTS.
WE CAN'T QUIT.
MS. WRIGHT, LOOK, I'M AFRAID
I GAVE YOU A BUM STEER.
YOU TRIED TO DO IT BY THE BOOK,
AND NOW YOU JUST TRIED TO DO ME.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY
TO BE YOURSELF?
YOU CAN'T QUIT.
WHAT WOULD THIS WORLD BE
LIKE IF EVERYBODY JUST QUIT?
A LOT LIKE THIS CLASS.
YEAH, WHERE WOULD
WE BE IF MR. KOTTER
WOULD'VE WALKED OUT ON US, HUH?
STILL IN THE NINTH GRADE.
WE ALL LEARN THE SAME
BASIC THINGS IN LIFE.
DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU'RE A
TEACHER OR IF YOU'RE A STUDENT.
WE CAN'T STOP LEARNING.
TRY IT AGAIN.
COME ON, TRY IT.
YOU CAN'T GO HOME.
TRY IT AGAIN.
BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW
HOW TO TALK TO THEM.
WHATEVER YOU'RE GONNA TEACH
'EM, JUST TEACH 'EM AS YOURSELF.
OKAY. OKAY.
YESTERDAY YOU WERE DISCUSSING
PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES,
SO TODAY I HAD WANTED TO TELL
YOU ABOUT PRESIDENT BUCHANAN.
BOY, THAT NAME SOUNDS FAMILIAR.
VINNIE, THAT'S THE GUY WHO
THIS SCHOOL WAS NAMED AFTER,
PRESIDENT BUCHANAN.
IF THEY NAMED THIS
SCHOOL AFTER HIM,
HE MUST HAVE BEEN
A LOUSY PRESIDENT.
WELL, ACTUALLY, YOU'RE RIGHT.
HE WAS A LOUSY PRESIDENT,
HE WAS OUR 15TH PRESIDENT,
AND HE WAS LARGELY
RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CIVIL WAR.
WELL, THAT WASN'T SO BAD.
A LOT OF GREAT SONGS
CAME OUT OF THAT WAR.
YEAH, YEAH, IF IT WASN'T
FOR THE CIVIL WAR,
CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW DULL
"GONE WITH THE
WIND" WOULD'VE BEEN?
WELL, SPEAKING OF DULL,
PRESIDENT JAMES BUCHANAN
SPENT FOUR YEARS IN HIS OFFICE
STARING AT PORTRAITS ON THE WALL
WONDERING IF HE
WAS BETTER LOOKING
THAN GEORGE WASHINGTON.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
HE PROBABLY WOULD'VE
MADE A TERRIFIC SWEATHOG.
THAT'S RIGHT, TELL ME
MORE ABOUT THIS GUY.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
WELL, HE WAS THE ONLY PRESIDENT
THAT NEVER GOT MARRIED.
I GUESS HE... NEVER HAD A DATE.
AND THAT'S THE WAY IT WAS,
NEARLY 200 YEARS AGO TODAY.
THIS BICENTENNIAL
MOMENT IS BROUGHT TO YOU
BY OUR TEACHER, MS. WRIGHT.
I'M DOING IT, AREN'T I?
I'M TEACHING, I'M
REALLY TEACHING.
YOU CERTAINLY ARE.
WELCOME TO THE BATTLE
FOR THE BRAINS, TEACHER.
- THANK YOU.
- SO, WHAT HAPPENED?
WAS HE BETTER LOOKING OR NOT?
WAS HE IMPEACHED?
HE WAS THE ONLY PRESIDENT
WHO COULDN'T GET A DATE.
JULIE, DID I EVER TELL
YOU ABOUT MY UNCLE
WILFRED K. KOTTER?
YOU MEAN THE STRANGE ONE?
BOY, WAS HE
STRANGE. STRANGE GUY.
ONE TIME HE GOES
TO A PSYCHIATRIST.
HE SAYS, "DOC, DO
YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE
FOR A MAN TO BE IN
LOVE WITH AN ELEPHANT?"
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
THAT'S WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID.
"MR. WILFRED K. KOTTER,
THAT IS RIDICULOUS.
A MAN CANNOT BE IN
LOVE WITH AN ELEPHANT."
WELL, MY UNCLE LOOKED
KIND OF SAD AND HE SAID,
"ALL RIGHT, BUT CAN YOU TELL ME
WHERE I CAN GET RID OF AN
ENGAGEMENT RING THIS BIG?"
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
CROWDED THAT STORE WAS.
I THINK EVERYBODY LEFT
THEIR SHOPPING TILL TONIGHT.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT, THOSE
WOMEN, THEY'RE CRAZY.
- I KNOW.
- PUSHING, SHOVING.
BUMPING INTO ME.
I'M GOING BACK TOMORROW.
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
♪
KOTTER, I'D LIKE YOU
TO MEET MS. WRIGHT.
MS. WRIGHT!
WELL, MY MOTHER ALWAYS
SAID I'D MEET YOU SOME DAY.
THANK YOU.
THIS MS. WRIGHT
HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH YOUR SICK
FANTASIES, KOTTER.
LEAVE MY SICK FANTASIES
OUT OF THIS, MR. WOODMAN,
AT LEAST UNTIL YOU GET ME
THAT OSTRICH I REQUESTED.
MS. WRIGHT IS A PHI BETA KAPPA
GRADUATE OF JONES COLLEGE
SPECIALLY TRAINED
IN REMEDIAL METHODS.
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS WANTS HER
TO HAVE ON-THE-JOB TRAINING
UNTIL SHE GETS HER OWN CLASS.
OH, LIKE, UH, STUDENT TEACH.
WELL, IN MY SCHOOL,
WE'RE REFERRED TO
AS EDUCATIONAL
GUIDANCE ASSOCIATES.
IN THIS SCHOOL, YOU'LL BE
REFERRED TO AS HAMBURGER HELPER.
UH, MAKE YOURSELF
AT HOME, LOOK AROUND.
NOW, WATCH HER
CAREFULLY, KOTTER.
REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE LAST STUDENT TEACHER.
WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?
OH, SHE'S DOING FINE.
SHE, UH, SENT ME A CERAMIC
WALLET FROM THE HOME.
SO, YOU MAJORED IN GHETTO, HUH?
YES, AND THIS IS
WONDERFUL, IT'S SO REMEDIAL.
IT'S JUST LIKE OUR MOCK-UP ROOM
IN EDUCATIONAL
DEVELOPMENT AND GUIDANCE.
RIGHT, RIGHT, SLUM
TRAINING 101, I TOOK IT TWICE.
LET ME SHOW YOU AROUND.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS A
VERY FAMOUS CLASSROOM.
IN FACT, IN THIS CHAIR RIGHT
HERE ONCE SAT BONZO...
MORETTI.
YES, I'VE HEARD OF HIM.
- YOU HAVE?
- MM-HM.
THERE'S A WHOLE CHAPTER ABOUT
HIM IN ONE OF OUR TEXTBOOKS.
IT'S CALLED, "THERE
ARE NO BAD BOYS,
SO PLEASE DON'T SHOOT."
YOU KNOW, BONZO WASN'T
THE TOUGHEST KID IN MY CLASS.
TOUGHEST KID WAS
BENITO BLOOMBERG.
BENITO WAS VOTED MOST
LIKELY TO INVADE POLAND.
SAT RIGHT OVER THERE,
RIGHT IN BETWEEN
RAMON "I CAN EAT MORE
HAMBURGERS THAN YOU" BENSON
AND PHYLLIS "I'M
SAVING EVERYTHING
FOR MY SECOND
MARRIAGE" FEINSTEIN.
IT'S A VERY FAMOUS
CLASSROOM HERE, MS. WRIGHT.
SOME OF THE BEST
TEACHERS IN THIS CITY
HAVE PASSED THROUGH
THESE WINDOWS.
OH, I LOVE IT.
STUDENT'S NEVER CHANGE, DO THEY?
"ARNOLD IS EASY."
"CALL VINNIE, HE DELIVERS."
"JUAN EPSTEIN..." DOES WHAT?
TO WHOM?
UH, MS. WRIGHT, DON'T
PAY ANY ATTENTION TO THAT.
THEY LIKE TO BRAG.
WHAT IS THAT? EMERGENCY
PHONE NUMBERS?
OH, NO, I GUESS YOU
COULD CALL IT MY BIBLE.
WELL, IT MIGHT WORK ON
VAMPIRES, BUT NOT SWEATHOGS.
THIS IS THE JONES
COLLEGE GUIDEBOOK
FOR REMEDIAL SPECIALISTS.
I RELY ON IT FOR EVERYTHING.
I SHOULD WARN YOU,
ONE TEACHER TO ANOTHER,
THAT THESE KIDS ARE
NOT OUT OF ANY BOOKS.
THIS IS LIKE WORKING
IN AN AMUSEMENT PARK.
IT'S LIKE GOING THROUGH
A LION COUNTRY SAFARI
WEARING A MEATLOAF SUIT.
WELL, IT'S TIME TO ENTER
THE MAGIC KINGDOM.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
YOU WILL, JUST FOLLOW ME.
HERE THEY ARE, HELD OVER
FOR THE SECOND
STRAIGHT SEMESTER.
LIVING COLOR.
♪ HI-HO, HI-HO, HI-HO ♪
♪ HI-HO ♪
♪ IT'S OFF TO SCHOOL WE GO ♪
WELL, I'D LIKE YOU ALL
TO MEET SOMEBODY.
EVERYBODY SAY HELLO TO
YOUR NEW STUDENT TEACHER,
MS. WRIGHT.
YOU ARE GONNA TEACH?
HERE?
US?
I'M SO SORRY.
LOOK, THEY BROUGHT US A ROOKIE.
YEAH, I GIVE HER
TWO WEEKS WITH US,
AND SHE'S GONNA SHAVE HER
HEAD AND BE SELLING INCENSE
ON THE CORNER OF 42ND STREET.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
LOOK, MS. WRIGHT IS GONNA BE
SPENDING A COUPLE DAYS WITH US.
I WANT YOU TO SHOW
HER SOME RESPECT.
HEY, MAN... HELLO? HELLO?
JUST SHOW HER THE SAME
RESPECT YOU SHOW ME, OKAY?
HELLO? HELLO?
SHOW HER THE SAME
RESPECT YOU SHOW ME
WHEN I THREATEN TO KEEP
EVERYBODY AFTER SCHOOL
UNTIL AUGUST.
- ♪ HELLO ♪
- ♪ HELLO ♪
- ♪ HELLO ♪
- ♪ HELLO ♪
HELLO, MS. WRIGHT.
WELL, THESE ARE YOUR
BASIC SWEATHOGS.
NOW I THINK IT'S TIME
WE STARTED CLASS.
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT.
OKAY, NOW I HAVE JUST
COMPLETED GRADING YOUR ESSAYS
ON "IF I WERE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES,"
AND I FOUND THEM...
SO VERY INTERESTING
THAT I THINK SOME OF
THEM HAVE TO BE SHARED
WITH THE REST OF THE CLASS.
AW, COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, I WOULD LIKE
TO START OUT WITH THIS ONE.
IT HAS A REAL SNAPPY TITLE.
"IF I WERE THE DC MAIN MAN."
IT'S BY MR. F. B.B. WASHINGTON.
THE B.B. STANDS FOR "BOOM BOOM."
SINCE YOU'RE SO PROUD OF THIS,
WHY DON'T YOU READ
IT FOR EVERYBODY.
ALL RIGHT.
HI, THERE.
IF I WAS THE PREZ,
THERE WOULD BE EQUALITY
FOR EVERYONE, I SAY.
- WHY?
- WHY?
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE I BELIEVE... IN CHANGE.
I THINK WE SHOULD CHANGE
OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM,
OR AT LEAST GET A
BETTER DRUMMER!
I ASK YOU, DID YOU,
DID YOU EVER TRY TO DANCE
TO THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER?
YES, BROTHERS AND SISTERS.
I BELIEVE IN CHANGE.
YOU GOT ANY IDEAS FOR
CHANGE, YOU SEND THEM TO ME.
YOU AIN'T GOT NO CHANGE,
JUST SEND A FOLD IN MONEY.
I WANT YOUR THOUGHTS,
I WANT YOUR IDEAS,
BUT MOSTLY, I WANT YOUR MONEY!
ALL MAJOR CREDIT CARDS ACCEPTED.
HALLELUJAH, BABY!
THANK YOU, REVEREND IKE.
NEXT, WE HAVE A YOUNG MAN
WHOM WE'VE ALL COME TO
EXPECT BIG THINGS FROM.
SO FAR, WE ARE STILL EXPECTING,
BUT ANY DAY NOW.
MR. ARNOLD HORSHACK.
ALL RIGHT, ARNOLD!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
NO, REALLY, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
AHEM.
"IF I WAS PRESIDENT OF
THESE UNITED STATES,"
BY ARNOLD HORSHACK.
IF I WAS PRESIDENT OF
THESE UNITED STATES,
I WOULD DO AWAY WITH THE
OFFICE OF VICE PRESIDENT.
WHY DO I NEED AN UNDERSTUDY?
I WOULD APPOINT VINNIE BARBARINO
AS MY MINISTER OF AFFAIRS.
JUAN EPSTEIN... HI, JUAN!
HE WOULD BE MY
SECRETARY OF HURTING.
AND MR. KOTTER WILL HEAD
THE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH,
EDUCATION, AND GROUCHO.
THANK YOU, ARNOLD,
HOW THIS ELEPHANT
GOT IN MY PAJAMAS,
I'LL NEVER KNOW.
OH, MR. KOTTER!
MS. WRIGHT, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO TAKE THE WHEEL FOR A WHILE?
GO AHEAD.
HELLO, BOYS AND GIRLS.
I'M... MS... WRI-I-IGHT.
HELLO AGAIN, MS. WRI-I-IGHT.
NOW, THE FIRST THING
TO DO WOULD BE TO...
CHECK YOUR SEATING.
WHAT FOR?
TO MAKE SURE
YOU'RE ALPHABETICAL.
WELL, I AIN'T. I'M ITALIAN.
NO, I MEAN... ♪ A, B, C, D ♪
♪ G, E, F ♪
I HEARD THAT, IT'S A GOOD TUNE.
WELL, ARE YOU?
WHAT?
SITTING IN THE ORDER
OF THE ALPHABET?
WHERE?
IN THIS CLASS.
HEY, ALLOW ME TO RECTIFY
MYSELF, MS. WRIGHT.
WE ARE ALPHABETICAL.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
JUAN EPSTEIN.
DOES WHAT TO WHO?
DON'T TOUCH ME!
I'M SORRY, I FORGOT MYSELF.
UM, WELL, MR. EPSTEIN,
ALPHABETICALLY,
SHOULDN'T THE A'S
BE SITTING WHERE YOU ARE?
WELL, YEAH, THAT'S
ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.
YOU SEE, 'CAUSE LIKE EVERY
TIME I COME INTO THE ROOM,
EVERYBODY GOES, "'EY, EPSTEIN!"
♪ 'EY, EPSTEIN, EPSTEIN ♪
♪ EPSTEIN, RAH, RAH ♪
YEAH, BABY.
OH, OH!
OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH!
OH, OH!
AND I SHOULD BE SITTING
WHERE THE O'S SIT,
BECAUSE AT LEAST
ONCE IN EVERY CLASS,
I GO, "OH, OH, OH,
OH, OH, OH, OH!"
YOU DO THAT EVERY
MINUTE OF THE DAY.
UH, CHILDREN NOW, QUIET.
CHILDREN, UH... QUIET!
UHH... NOW...
ANOTHER WAY FOR US TO
GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER
IS, UH, FOR EACH OF YOU TO, UH,
STAND AND TELL ME A LITTLE BIT
ABOUT YOUR ETHNIC BACKGROUND.
THAT WILL ALSO GIVE ME A CHANCE
TO CHECK YOUR RACIAL BALANCE.
WELL, WE EITHER COME OUT
WITH HALF A PUERTO RICAN
OR HALF A JEW LEFT OVER.
MY FAMILY, WE COULDN'T
AFFORD OUR OWN BACKGROUND.
WE SHARED OURS WITH A
CHINESE FAMILY DOWNSTAIRS.
YOU EVER TRY MOO GOO GAI GRITS?
MY GRANDPARENTS,
THEY CAME FROM SICILY
IN A BOTTOM OF A BOAT
FILLED WITH OLIVE OIL.
THE MINUTE IT DOCKED,
THEY SLID INTO BROOKLYN.
MS. WRIGHT, I TRACED
MY FAMILY TREE...
AND I FOUND OUT THAT
THREE OF MY UNCLES
ALL DIED OF DUTCH ELM DISEASE.
YEAH, AND YOU'RE A LITTLE SAP.
WELL, YOUR FAMILY
SWINGS IN TREES, JUAN.
- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH.
OH, TO MAINTAIN
ORDER... ALL RIGHT, GUYS!
GUYS!
TO MAINTAIN ORDER... COOL IT.
I CAN HANDLE IT, MR. KOTTER.
ARE YOU SURE?
MM-HM!
MMM.
EVERYBODY SIT DOWN.
ALL RIGHT, THEN, I THINK
WE SHOULD JUST CONTINUE
WITH WHAT MR. KOTTER WAS
DOING, READING ESSAYS ON
"IF I WERE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES."
I HAVE ONE HERE BY MR. EPSTEIN.
UH, BEGGIN' YOUR PARDON,
MA'AM, BUT, UH, YOU SEE,
I WROTE A POEM
THERE, NOT AN ESSAY,
AND I'D RATHER NOT READ IT.
OH, BUT YOU MUST TAKE
PRIDE IN YOUR WORK.
USE OF NAMES AND
FORCES IDENTITY.
COME ON, MR. KOTTER, DO I GOTTA?
MS. WRIGHT IS THE TEACHER.
OH, WAIT A SECOND NOW.
I HEAR A NOTE
COMING IN FROM HOME.
DEAR MR. KOTTER OR TO
WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,
JUAN CANNOT READ HIS ESSAY.
HE'S HAD A SUDDEN
ATTACK OF... LARYNGITIS?
SIGNED, EPSTEIN'S MOTHER.
STUDENT REFUSES TO READ ESSAY,
STUDENT REFUSES TO READ ESSAY.
READ ESSAY FOR HIM.
VERY WELL, I SHALL HAVE
TO READ THIS FOR YOU.
"IF I WERE PRESIDENT,"
BY MR. EPSTEIN.
"IF I WERE PRESIDENT
FOR JUST ONE DAY,
I'D TAKE EVERYONE'S WORRIES
AND JUST THROW THEM ALL AWAY."
OH, HOW NICE.
OH, HOW NICE! OH, HOW NICE!
"I'D PULL ALL THE WEEDS
AND PLANT SOME FLOWERS
WHERE THEY'D BEEN,
'CAUSE A FLOWER'S LIKE A PERSON,
IT ALWAYS BLOOMS IN THE END."
HEY, I-I ASKED YOU NOT
TO READ IT, I REALLY DID.
THAT'S FOR MR. KOTTER TO READ.
WHAT... WHAT ARE
YOU TRYING TO DO?
YOU COME IN HERE, YOU'RE
TRYING TO CHANGE THINGS,
YOU PUT US IN ALPHABETICAL...
YEAH, YOU PUT US IN
ALPHABETICAL ORDER,
AND THEN YOU ASK US ABOUT
OUR ETHNIC BACKGROUND.
WHAT'S YOUR ETHNIC BACKGROUND?
UH, WHITE BREAD...
NO, THAT'S CAFETERIA.
COME ON, HEY,
IT AIN'T IN A BOOK.
COME ON, IT AIN'T IN THE BOOK.
LOOK AT ME, I'M THE
ONE THAT'S TALKIN' TO YA,
AND I ASKED YA,
AND I ASKED YA NICE
NOT TO READ IT.
ALL RIGHT, JUAN.
COME ON, JUST TAKE IT EASY.
IT'S NOT SUPPOSED
TO BE LIKE THIS.
WELL, CONGRATULATIONS
ON SETTING A NEW RECORD.
YOU JUST DESTROYED A
CAREER IN UNDER TEN MINUTES.
♪
BUCHANAN HIGH!
KOTTER.
LOOKS LIKE A LOT OF MAIL.
HAVE YOU GOT A CHAIN LETTER?
YES.
OH, MS. WRIGHT, LISTEN.
I WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR
WHAT HAPPENED THIS MORNING.
NO, MR. KOTTER,
IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT,
IT WAS MINE.
I'M A FAILURE AS A TEACHER.
I RAN, MR. KOTTER.
I NEVER SHOULD HAVE
MAJORED IN GHETTO.
I SHOULD HAVE MAJORED IN SUBURB.
KOTTER, LOOK, WE'VE
GOT TO HELP HER.
WE NEED HER KIND OF TRAINING,
AND I HAVE A GUT FEELING
THAT THERE'S A HECK OF A
TEACHER IN THERE SOMEWHERE.
PLUS IF PRINCIPAL LAZARUS
FINDS OUT SHE'S QUIT,
IT'S MY DONKEY.
YOUR DONKEY?
IT'S A GOOD ONE,
MR. WOODMAN, REALLY GOOD.
MS. WRIGHT, LOOK.
I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL,
BUT YOU CAN'T LET ONE LITTLE
INCIDENT CAUSE YOU TO QUIT.
I'M SORRY, MR. KOTTER. I'M
JUST NOT PREPARED FOR THEM.
AH, THEY'RE NOTHING.
YOUR GENERATION HAS IT EASY.
WHAT WAS IT LIKE IN
YOUR DAY, MR. WOODMAN?
WELL, LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.
♪ NOBODY KNOWS THE
TROUBLE I'VE SEEN ♪
♪ NOBODY KNOWS THE SORROW ♪
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER
YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT IT,
MR. WOODMAN, BUT
VAUDEVILLE'S DEAD.
BELIEVE ME, KOTTER, THOSE
WERE THE TOUGH YEARS,
BACK WHEN THEY HAD INKWELLS.
YOU EVER DRINK A
THERMOS BOTTLE OF INK?
I COUGHED RORSCHACH
TEST FOR A WHOLE WEEK!
DIDN'T THEY HAVE
SPANKINGS IN THOSE DAYS?
YES, BUT MY STUDENTS
ONLY SPANKED ME ONCE.
MS. WRIGHT, LOOK, LET ME
TRY AND HELP YOU, OKAY?
LET'S PRETEND
THAT THIS IS A CLASS.
NOW, WHAT YOU GOTTA
DO IS YOU GOTTA CAPTURE
THEIR ATTENTION, YOU
KNOW, THEIR IMAGINATION.
NOW, I DO IT WITH HUMOR.
SAY THAT NEW YORK CITY
HAS A FINANCIAL CRISIS.
"HEY, KIDS, YOU
KNOW NEW YORK CITY
HAS A FINANCIAL CRISIS?
I GOT A WAY TO SOLVE IT.
THE MAYOR SHOULD GO
BEGGING ONE DAY A WEEK.
'EXCUSE ME, MISTER, SPARE
$100,000 FOR A NEW BUS?'"
THEN THE CLASS WOULD LAUGH.
RING, RING, RING.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IT'S THE BELL.
THIS IS A PRETEND CLASS.
I'M PRETENDING IT'S OVER.
♪ NOBODY KNOWS THE
TROUBLE I'VE SEEN ♪
♪ NOBODY KNOWS THE SORROW ♪
ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
I KNOW THAT SHE'S NOT
WHAT YOU'RE USED TO,
BUT YOU GOTTA GIVE HER A CHANCE.
I MEAN, YESTERDAY
WAS HER FIRST TIME
IN FRONT OF A REAL CLASS.
OH, THAT'S NICE.
THAT'S THE FIRST TIME YOU
CALLED US A REAL CLASS.
- GOOD MORNING, MS. WRIGHT.
- GOOD MORNING.
- GOOD MORNING, MS. WRIGHT.
- HEY, HOW YOU DOIN'?
WELL, UH, WE JUST GOT UNDERWAY,
YOU WANT TO TAKE
IT FROM THE START?
MM-HM.
AND, UH, THANKS FOR YOUR ADVICE.
I KNOW JUST WHAT TO DO.
UH, MS. WRIGHT, ABOUT YESTERDAY,
I'M REALLY SORRY.
IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW, YOU
WEREN'T CAPTURING MY STYLE.
IN YOUR MOUTH WITH A SANDWICH.
UH...
IT'S NICE TO BE WORKING
HERE AGAIN AT BUCHANAN.
ACTUALLY, IT'S NICE
TO BE WORKING...
ANYWHERE AGAIN.
UH, I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE,
I CAN HEAR YOU BREATHING.
BEING A TEACHER
REMINDS ME OF THE STORY
OF THIS STUDENT
WHO ASKED HIS FATHER,
"WHERE ARE THE HIMALAYAS?"
AND HIS FATHER ANSWERED,
"IF YOU'D PUT YOUR THINGS AWAY
WHEN YOU WERE THROUGH
PLAYING WITH THEM,
MAYBE YOU COULD FIND THEM."
I'M ROLLING!
I HEAR NEW YORK IS
HAVING A FINANCIAL CRISIS.
WHY DON'T WE HAVE A FIRE SALE?
BUT... BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS.
BUT, UH... BUT
SERIOUSLY, MR. KOTTER.
I CAN'T GO ON WITH
THIS, THIS JUST ISN'T ME.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOIN'?
- I'M QUITTING.
HEY, NO, YOU'RE NOT.
NO, YOU CAN'T QUIT.
WHY NOT? I'M A LOUSY TEACHER.
SO WHAT?
IT'S ONLY BECAUSE
WE'RE LOUSY STUDENTS.
WE CAN'T QUIT.
MS. WRIGHT, LOOK, I'M AFRAID
I GAVE YOU A BUM STEER.
YOU TRIED TO DO IT BY THE BOOK,
AND NOW YOU JUST TRIED TO DO ME.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY
TO BE YOURSELF?
YOU CAN'T QUIT.
WHAT WOULD THIS WORLD BE
LIKE IF EVERYBODY JUST QUIT?
A LOT LIKE THIS CLASS.
YEAH, WHERE WOULD
WE BE IF MR. KOTTER
WOULD'VE WALKED OUT ON US, HUH?
STILL IN THE NINTH GRADE.
WE ALL LEARN THE SAME
BASIC THINGS IN LIFE.
DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU'RE A
TEACHER OR IF YOU'RE A STUDENT.
WE CAN'T STOP LEARNING.
TRY IT AGAIN.
COME ON, TRY IT.
YOU CAN'T GO HOME.
TRY IT AGAIN.
BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW
HOW TO TALK TO THEM.
WHATEVER YOU'RE GONNA TEACH
'EM, JUST TEACH 'EM AS YOURSELF.
OKAY. OKAY.
YESTERDAY YOU WERE DISCUSSING
PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES,
SO TODAY I HAD WANTED TO TELL
YOU ABOUT PRESIDENT BUCHANAN.
BOY, THAT NAME SOUNDS FAMILIAR.
VINNIE, THAT'S THE GUY WHO
THIS SCHOOL WAS NAMED AFTER,
PRESIDENT BUCHANAN.
IF THEY NAMED THIS
SCHOOL AFTER HIM,
HE MUST HAVE BEEN
A LOUSY PRESIDENT.
WELL, ACTUALLY, YOU'RE RIGHT.
HE WAS A LOUSY PRESIDENT,
HE WAS OUR 15TH PRESIDENT,
AND HE WAS LARGELY
RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CIVIL WAR.
WELL, THAT WASN'T SO BAD.
A LOT OF GREAT SONGS
CAME OUT OF THAT WAR.
YEAH, YEAH, IF IT WASN'T
FOR THE CIVIL WAR,
CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW DULL
"GONE WITH THE
WIND" WOULD'VE BEEN?
WELL, SPEAKING OF DULL,
PRESIDENT JAMES BUCHANAN
SPENT FOUR YEARS IN HIS OFFICE
STARING AT PORTRAITS ON THE WALL
WONDERING IF HE
WAS BETTER LOOKING
THAN GEORGE WASHINGTON.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
HE PROBABLY WOULD'VE
MADE A TERRIFIC SWEATHOG.
THAT'S RIGHT, TELL ME
MORE ABOUT THIS GUY.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
WELL, HE WAS THE ONLY PRESIDENT
THAT NEVER GOT MARRIED.
I GUESS HE... NEVER HAD A DATE.
AND THAT'S THE WAY IT WAS,
NEARLY 200 YEARS AGO TODAY.
THIS BICENTENNIAL
MOMENT IS BROUGHT TO YOU
BY OUR TEACHER, MS. WRIGHT.
I'M DOING IT, AREN'T I?
I'M TEACHING, I'M
REALLY TEACHING.
YOU CERTAINLY ARE.
WELCOME TO THE BATTLE
FOR THE BRAINS, TEACHER.
- THANK YOU.
- SO, WHAT HAPPENED?
WAS HE BETTER LOOKING OR NOT?
WAS HE IMPEACHED?
HE WAS THE ONLY PRESIDENT
WHO COULDN'T GET A DATE.
JULIE, DID I EVER TELL
YOU ABOUT MY UNCLE
WILFRED K. KOTTER?
YOU MEAN THE STRANGE ONE?
BOY, WAS HE
STRANGE. STRANGE GUY.
ONE TIME HE GOES
TO A PSYCHIATRIST.
HE SAYS, "DOC, DO
YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE
FOR A MAN TO BE IN
LOVE WITH AN ELEPHANT?"
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
THAT'S WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID.
"MR. WILFRED K. KOTTER,
THAT IS RIDICULOUS.
A MAN CANNOT BE IN
LOVE WITH AN ELEPHANT."
WELL, MY UNCLE LOOKED
KIND OF SAD AND HE SAID,
"ALL RIGHT, BUT CAN YOU TELL ME
WHERE I CAN GET RID OF AN
ENGAGEMENT RING THIS BIG?"
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪