Weeds (2005–2012): Season 8, Episode 1 - Messy - full transcript

Previously on Weeds.

Mama, Mommy's trying to talk.

It's for you.

To grow and to do what you love.

It's great.

Andy, you're a man of big ideas.

- What do you want?
- I want my son.

I've been inside you.

Getting Stevie is not gonna be
the answer to your problems.

The spirit of compromise.

Everyone's a little happy,
everyone's a little miserable.



It's family.

Cadets, when you graduate
from this police academy

you will be the first line of defense.

We celebrate the closing of escrow on this,

Botwin-Price-Gray family compound,

with significant contributions
from the Wilson fund.

CFO? That's a promotion, right?

You are gonna have so much money.

An experiment, to be sure,
but really the only solution.

May we not kill one another?

Shayla! I swear to God.

Jesus' pants.

I should've used the plastic glasses,

but wine always tastes better in a glass,
don't you think?



Is everyone wearing shoes?

Silas, call 911. Silas!

Zapatos. Zappos.

Do you know if that's why they
call it Zappos?

Because "shoes" in Spanish is zapatos?

Oh, Jesus. Don't move.

No, it's okay.
I'm wearing sandals from Zappos.

Silas, take out your phone and dial!

I said no phones at the table.
What's that noise?

Holy shit.

My nose is tingling.
Would you help me up, Andy?

- I think you should stay right where you are.
- Why?

She's been shot.
My mom's been shot in the head.

What? Whose mom?

Shayla, don't look!

Motherfucker!

Do you know your name?

I do. I know my name.

Nancy Botwin.

I'm not asking you. I'm asking her.
I'm assessing.

Oh. Sorry.

Nancy, how many fingers am I holding up?

Over here.

Three. Three very long, elegant fingers.
Do you play the piano?

No, I don't.

Do you have a very happy girlfriend?

Let's let him ask the questions, okay, Mom?

It's okay. I just need to keep her talking.

But you're trying to assess!

Hey, don't tell me how to do my job, okay?

Don't snap at my kid, long-finger man.

Long fingers snapped.

- Nancy, do you know what year it is?
- You don't know?

Doomsday is coming. Not really, though.

You still haven't answered
the question, Mom.

- Right. What's your name?
- Mike.

Mike. You can call me Nancy.

Nancy, do you know
what's happened to you?

Yeah. I broke a glass.

Nancy, can you count back from 100
by sevens for me'?

I'm so bad at math.

I'm really good at Boggle, though.

On a five-by-five,
I once spelled "pilsners" like the beers.

Nine letters, motherfuckers.

All right, Nancy,
we're about to get to the hospital now.

'Cause I've been shot in the head.

'Cause you've been shot in the head.

Motherfucker.

I'm just gonna close my eyes, is that okay?

Nancy, I need you to
keep talking to me, sweetheart.

Okay-

Nancy? Hey, Nancy!

Mom? Mom? Mom?

Mom!

- What the fuck? Andy, let's go!
- Shut up, Jill.

Shut your mouth and shut it
and shut up and shut up!

Okay, come on. We're leaving.

She asked me to pack things for her.

Those were her last words,
"Pack me some stuff."

Andy, she doesn't need
a silk camisole and a thong!

There was blood all over her.

They'll clean her up.

They'll put her in a hospital gown. Let's go.

Later, you can go through her underwear
while I go through her jewelry.

What is wrong with you?

I'm dark and dry in a crisis.
You can't hold it against me.

We all have our ways.

Hey, are we going?
I'd kind of like to get the fuck out of here.

Where's Shane?

He took off into the woods.
He ran after the shooter.

- Fuck, that kid's got balls!
- Or did.

They might be shot off by now.

You are bad people.

Listen, the Mexican kid is hiding in
the pantry. I really think we should leave.

Okay, all the essentials. Here we go.

Jill?

What if she dies?

She's not gonna die, Andy.

Why not?

Because there is no God.

What do you see, Pill-Pill?

I see a mess.

Oh, I'm not surprised.
They seem like the messy types.

I didn't see you there.

We're your neighbors, the Ardmores.
Phillip and Whimsy.

I think you need to climb back
down your ladder.

When the Brysons lived here,
they had an eyesore of a play structure

right up against the property line.

Their children used to climb up
and pee into our yard.

I got 'em with a hose.

And once with a fire extinguisher,
and once with bees.

Ask him about the ruckus.

Oh, right. What was all the ruckus?

My mother got hurt.

- We live in an enclave, you know.
- This is an enclave.

We try to keep the noise level
down to a civilized level of noise.

Sorry if we disturbed you.

I was checking the vole traps
and I heard a bang.

- What was that bang?
- It was an awful bang.

It was a gunshot.

Gunshot? Well, that's simply unacceptable.

Those are not hunting woods.
Those are strolling woods.

O.S. Police! Freeze!

- Do not move!
- Oh, my!

- You, too, old people.
- Tipton!

- What did he say?
- He called us "old."

This is my house. I live here.

Put the gun down. Put it down, Tipton.

Sorry about that, folks. Come on.

You need to send some men over
to Halcyon Road and get tire imprints.

And she was shot from over there.

That's where you need to look
for shell casings,

potential hair samples,
footprints, fingerprints,

anything you can computer-check
against known...

One of your guys is stepping in her blood!

Oh, shit!

Son, how would you like a ride
to the hospital?

I'm sure you'd like to see
how your mother's doing.

I'm happy to zip you right over there
while the men here look around.

Jesus! Fine, please take me to the hospital

so I don't have to watch you guys
fuck up the crime scene anymore.

- I'm watching you, kid.
- Good. Watch this.

We're going. Tipton, you're in charge.

- Where are they going?
- Messy.

Messy types, for sure.

Can I get a coffee?

- She gets coffee?
- I want flan.

Get whatever you want.

Watch Stevie, keep your phones on,
do not wander.

Stay in the cafeteria, or you come back here.

Okay, it's got to be the Mexicans, right?

Sure, yeah, Mexicans. Why not?

Does that mean they're gonna come back,
you know, to finish the job?

Unless they have.

Would we bury her next to Dad?

Can't. He's in the Jewish cemetery.

She took conversion classes
before Silas was born, remember?

She never actually finished them, did she?

I don't know. I know she took the classes.

Mom eats cheeseburgers and shrimp.
We've had Christmas trees every year.

Like most Jews. Maybe she did convert.

- Botwin family?
- Yes, right here, yes.

- Is she alive?
- Yes.

However, she is in a coma, and...

I won't pull the plug.

I will. I can do that for her.
She did it for Bubbie.

No, the coma is medically induced
to arrest swelling.

If we see that the swelling has come down,

we'll bring her out and better assess
where we are in terms of brain damage.

- How long does that take?
- We don't know yet.

You didn't use
that Michael Jackson drug, did you?

'Cause that didn't turn out too well.

Propofol, when properly
administered and monitored, is a safe drug.

I don't know,
I had some for a colonoscopy once

and, crazy dreams, monkeys fisting me.
I mean, that's kind of weird, right?

If you'd like to see her,
you can go in one at a time.

Did she say anything?

Before you put her in the coma,
was she talking again'?

Yes, she was, and that's a good sign.

What'd she say?
Did she mention the name "Andy"?

No, she only said
that I had very pretty eyelashes.

She's right. Your eyelashes are quite lush.

- What about the bullet?
- it's in there.

We're gonna leave it in for now.

So, who'd like to see her?

- I'll go first.
- I'll go first.

You go first. That's right, yeah, go ahead.

This way.

Hello, Botwin family.
I'm Mrs. Taft, hospital administration.

So sorry for your situation and so sorry
to be clobbering you with this now,

but we are a private hospital and blah-blah.
How will you be paying'?

I have forms. They need to be filled out.

We're not Canada.

We're not France, we're not Taiwan,
Costa Rica, Iraq, Oman, Sri Lanka,

Argentina, New Zealand, Spain, Ireland,
Israel, Portugal, Germany, Ukraine, China...

You get the point.

We're America. We take all credit cards.
Who gets the clipboard?

Gee, which one of us isn't broke?

I spy with my little eye, a tall Wall Street
animal with a corporate credit card.

Here you go.

And again, so sorry for your situation,
and if there's anything I can do...

- Llewelyn?
- Right here.

I'm Mrs. Taft. So sorry for your situation.

Shane!

Who did it? Did you catch him?

What the fuck is wrong with your children?

Shit.

I'm gonna kill her.

Hey.

Hey, where the hell have you been?

Where'd you get those?

Lee R. Crawford.

He has many friends.
They all hope he gets well soon.

Snack thief.

Yeah, well,
my dinner was rudely interrupted.

Yeah, I'm kind of hungry, too.

From all that running in the woods?

There's tapenade and fancy crackers.

Pull her curtain in case someone comes in.

Wow. You went to town.

He's getting everything he needs
through a tube, anyways.

Did not see this one coming, huh?

Come on,
it was always in the back of our minds.

What would you have done
if you would have caught up with him?

He had a fucking rifle.

I know how to disarm someone.

Bullshit.

I do. We learned it last week.

You learned what?

How to subdue and disarm a suspect.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm in the Police Academy.

- That's funny.
- I'm serious.

I'm in the Police Academy.

I'm not in college.
That's where I go every day.

Shane.

We're criminals.

It's the family business.
What the fuck are you doing?

I had to.
It was this whole thing with Ouellette.

The weird part is, I kind of like it.
I think I want to be a cop.

That's bat-shit crazy.

I'm hoping they'll let me use
a croquet mallet instead of a billy club.

Don't tell Mom. Jesus, what am I saying?

Who knows?
Maybe she's hearing everything.

Hey, Morn,
any idea who shot you in the head?

Any guesses?

Do you have any guesses?

Guillermo? Cesar'?
Any other random Mexican gangster?

Well, what about that crazy lesbian?
What was her name?

- Zoya'?
- What about Zoya?

I mean, crime of passion?

It's not her MO. She's an arsonist.
She would've gone all Joan of Arc on Mom.

How about your girlfriend, Emma?
Nancy screwed her up pretty bad.

No, I doubt it was Emma.

Warren Schiff?

I think he's in jail.

What about that chick whose husband
Nancy banged in the trailer park'?

It could be bikers, Armenians,
DEA agents gone rogue.

Heylia might have finally grown some balls.
There are a lot of possibilities.

She's so great at pissing people off.

Think he'll come back,
try and finish what he started?

I don't know. Hope so.
Give me a chance to nail the fucker.

And what if he comes back
to finish what he started?

What then? She needs security.

There should be a guard posted at her door,

we should have security detail at our house.

Somebody shot her in the head.

We don't know that the shooter was
specifically targeting your... Wife?

Sister-in-law, but that does not
adequately explain our relationship.

That's not the point.
The point is you're wrong.

She was specifically targeted

for many, many reasons
that you can figure out for yourself.

She needs protection.

- Sir, with all due respect...
- You think it's funny?

You think the world needs to see
a picture of my sister like that?

You know, I heard that they own
that photo now.

They could use it for advertising.

- They don't own it.
- Yes, they do!

You read the fine print
on that service agreement.

Take it down now.

- Where's your phone?
- it's at home.

- Okay, let's go.
- No.

No, you cannot go home. It is not safe there.

Please! Someone's
trying to kill Nancy, not us.

See?

Ma'am, kindly let go of your child's hair.

Hair? This is a
clump of dirt hanging from her head.

Ma'am.

Will you please tell him Nancy's shooting
was not random and she needs security?

- I need the car keys.
- Doug has 'em.

Shit. Out.

What if she doesn't wake up?

Fuck you. She's gonna wake up.

And if she's retarded?

Hey, Doug.

Hey, I brought food
from the vending machine.

It's all kind of crap, but...

These artichoke hearts?

You mind sitting with her for a few minutes?

I want to check in with Andy,
see if there's a plan.

Sure, no problem.

Hey, Nance. Rough day, huh?

I love these.

Look at all this good stuff.

You got stroopwafels, tapenade.

Olive oil crackers, yum.

Feels kind of weird eating off your body,
especially when you're not naked.

Kidding.

Tell you what,
I'm gonna move these onto your table here.

There you go.

Sorry. Got all kinds of crumbs all over you.
Let me wipe those off for you.

You stay in pretty good shape,
don't you, Nance?

Trim. Fit.

Dana used to Zumba,

but that doesn't seem like
that would be something you'd like to do.

Also, Dana's boobs fall down into
her armpits when she lies down like that.

But not you. You look great.

Another crumb here,
let me pop that off there.

There you go.

Wow. Boy, you are just a mess, aren't you?

Tell you what, I'm gonna loosen your gown
to just kind of shake it out a little bit.

I had this image in my head.

There. That's better.
Nice and tight, nice and tight.

Is that...
Have you been stealing from our baskets?

What, this?

Finally got the keys.

Apparently Doug's been banned
from the hospital.

Do you know what happened?

Never mind. I don't want to know.

I'm gonna head back to the house
and beat my daughter in private.

Do you need anything?

Don't you wanna take a moment?

No, I don't.

Maybe when she's awake to defend herself.
I'm mad at her.

For getting shot?

Sure, add that to the list.

- She looks very peaceful.
- Well, of course she does.

She doesn't have to deal
with all this shit, we do.

She gets to sleep.

What are you doing?

She looks dry.

- Eye cream is very important to her.
- Oh, look at that.

You're doing something sweet.

I do sweet things all the time.

I'm just sort of graceless about it,
so people don't notice.

I'm mostly, you know, a do-good person.

You're right. You are. You really are.

Thank you for noticing.

- This is so surreal.
- Is it?

For me it is.

Oh.

Wait. Wait.

What? We should stop.
We should stop, right?

This is too inappropriate. It's wrong.

- No.
- What?

- No. We're working shit out.
- Yeah.

And we're full of emotion. It's fine.
I just have to take out my weight.

Your what?

- I had twins, Andy.
- Right'?

And I'm trying to rebuild my pelvic floor
and I Kegel around it.

It's like doing reps for your vagina.

Hot. Can I see?

Wow! Oh, it's heavy.

I've been doing it for a while.
I'm getting pretty buff.

Buff muff, I like it.

Oh, you will.

Wow. Whatever you're doing, it's working.

Thank you.

Do you feel bad'? I feel a little bad.

I feel great. Thank you.

Now I'm gonna go home,
where you should go, too.

Take a break. Take a shower.
Come back later. She'll still be here.

Yeah. I don't know if it's safe.

I'm not worried.

Come home when you're ready.
I'm gonna order pizza.

- Oh. Excuse me.
- Sorry.

That's a vagina weight. Thanks.

She'll want that back.

My friend's rebuilding her pelvic floor.

Nurse!

You mind if I sit?

What? No. Sit away.

Dave.

32335:

You're not hungry?

It's hospital cafeteria food.

That soupçon of depression and grief
you get in every bite?

Can't quite take it on right now.

They do a nice tapioca.
You can barely taste the sadness.

Come on, tapioca is inherently sad.

Delicious, I grant you, but a sad, sad food.

Do you want to talk?

About what?

Whatever you want.

Okay, is this how people
speak to each other in hospitals,

or are you cruising me?

Which, if you are,
I got to say, ordering tuna was a bad call,

but kudos to you for creativity
in terms of locale and I gotta pass.

No, it's a hospital thing. I like women.

Me, too.

- Who are you here for?
- My dead brother's wife.

She might be dying right now

and so I fucked her sister up
against the wall of her room.

- Wow.
- Oh, you don't even know.

Her sister's been working out
with these vagina weights.

Wow. We fooled around a while ago,
it was fine and all,

but, man,
now it's like dick massage up there.

Like, there's the in and out,

but there's also this squeezing thing
happening that's simply delightful.

And I know it's all in the heat of the moment,

in the face of a crisis,
I can't think of another cliche right now,

but what if she dies?

What do we all do then?

And how come I didn't keep her safe,
and why doesn't she love me back,

and why can't I move on with my life,
my own life,

not the one where I'm this satellite
orbiting her sun and raising her sons?

I have nothing, and my life is half over.
More than half, probably,

'cause I have high genetic risk factors
for heart disease and colon cancer.

And even if she does live,
she's been shot in the fucking head.

Who's she gonna be?

And if I've been defining myself
by her all this time, who am I gonna be?

And you don't care. Eat your tuna,

which I got to say,
was probably the right choice,

'cause this lasagna is disgusting.
How do you ruin lasagna?

I'm gonna quit talking now, drink my Fanta.

I like Fanta. It reminds me of spring breaks.

What? You're sure you're done? Come on,
I still got most of my sandwich left.

I'm sure you got stuff to do.

- I mean, who are you here for?
- Here for?

- At the hospital, who are you visiting?
- I'm not visiting.

"Chaplain."

Well, actually, I'm a rabbi,
but I do the chaplaincy part-time.

It brings in a little extra cash
and it expands my world view.

Have you ever sat
with a grieving southern Baptist?

Boy, they know how to pray.

Perfect, that's perfect.
I just asked a rabbi if he was cruising me.

Might've made sense if I was a priest, right?

And the sister-fucking.

Fucking. What is this
fucking that you speak of?

I've never heard of it. Stop.

It's my job. I listen. I'm not judging.

No?

Well, maybe a little bit,
but I keep it to myself.

Although the vaginal-weight thing,
that was very intriguing.

Now, how is a Jew
the chaplain in Old Sandwich?

We all trade off at the local hospitals,
the ministers, the rabbis, the priests.

I personally have a little congregation
in Greenwich,

Temple Mishkon Shalom, House of Peace.

Although, with the fighting
that goes on with the board...

I don't know if I believe in God.

Well, you're not alone in that.

I feel very alone.

Which is why a lot of people turn to God.
It's the whole concept.

It makes the world
a little less lonely, a little less scary.

I don't know about less scary.
God comes with a lot of scary.

And I hear you,
especially the Old Testament God.

He's a gangster.

Jill said that Nancy would live
because there is no God.

And if there is a God, she dies?

Oh, absolutely.
With all the shit that she's pulled'? Yeah.

You and Jill could both be wrong.

Are we? Then tell me. You're the rabbi.

I have no idea.

- Great.
- Andy, you want an easy answer?

Go Jesus, go Allah, go atheist.

I'm a Jew.

My obligation is to wrestle. It's to engage.

It's not just to simply blindly believe.
I mean, that's how I see it.

Well, maybe I'll decide when she wakes up.

Yeah.

And maybe you'll never decide.

I'm gonna say a prayer for your Nancy
just in case.

If that's okay with you.

Yeah, knock yourself out.

I thought I'd feel better, but I don't.

- Sorry!
- God damn it!

- Sorry!
- Damn it! Damn you fucking people!

I've had it! I just had it!

He's sorry. Look at this mess!

Yeah, well, karma.

Blue team to ICU, please. Blue team to ICU.