Weeds (2005–2012): Season 3, Episode 8 - The Two Mrs. Scottsons - full transcript

Previously on Weeds...

Hello.

- Hi.
- My son.

- Tim and I were just gonna play a game.
- I'm just not really very good at games.

My mom is. I guess she's
a lot smarter than you.

Kesheshian says "goodbye".

- Peter? He's dead?
- Yes!

Agent Fundis, DEA. I'm here to talk
about Peter Scottson. I'm his partner.

The one who burps?

I get stares. Children cry and run away.

Give a friend of mine a call.



We're shooting a movie in one of
our empty houses. Needs a caterer.

I'd like to solve the mystery of the
school that receives federal funding,

yet promotes a religious curriculum in direct
violation of Church-State separation mandates.

Sit down, Shane Botwin.

I have cancer.

Puppies are coming off, Nance.

After reconstructive surgery,
you're gonna feel good as new.

I'm separated. Dancing my way to divorce.

You're gonna help me celebrate.

My last two relationships,
both guys ended up dead.

Captain?

All right, Fundis, tell me a story.

Er, a man flying a kite found Scottson.

We think he was stuffed in a drainpipe,



till a grate busted in the rain, and...

up came Pete.

- Can't you take something for that?
- I've tried everything.

Well, pop a fucking breath mint.

What did you eat, pastrami?

- On rye, sir.
- What else, Fundis?

Well, close-range shot
to the head.

- It's ugly.
- Who, why, when?

I've been trying to figure that out
since he went missing.

You know, retracing his steps, asking...

- What's that?
- Summer reading from Internal Affairs.

Quite the ripping yarn.

"Retracing his steps"?
How about "covering your ass"?

You got another story
you want to tell me, Fundis?

My career just took a swan dive
into a shit can.

I want to thank you for that. Pete,
too, since it appears he was the brains

behind the skimming,
extortion, wiretapping,

evidence-planting operation
you two had going.

But good thing for us
he turned up the way he did,

and we don't have to get honest.

So here's the new story, Agent Asshole
Motherfucker Choke-on-my-dick.

You got three days
to find whatever money is left over

from your little side business.

And before you clean out your locker
for early retirement,

take your uniform to the dry-cleaner's.

Cos we have a fucking hero
to stick in the ground.

Peter Scottson served with dignity
and honour

in one of our most difficult jobs.

And for those of us here today,
there will be no rest

until those who put him here
are brought to justice.

Dear Lord,

we sadly send you another son in blue.

In the name of the Father,
the Son, and the Holy Ghost. Amen.

Amen.

Oh, God.

- Hello?
- What are you wearing?

You gave me the day off, boss.

Oh, come on. Indulge a pervert.

Black dress, black shoes, black everything.

- I bet you look better in red.
- Not appropriate for faking grief.

Don't know what that means. Don't care.

- I bought you a gift.
- No, you should take it back.

Don't you want to know what it is?

It's my day off.

When are we gonna have sex again?

When I'm feeling desperate again.

And when do you think that might be?

You get lost on your way to Forest Lawn?

Never knew the man.

- Is Conrad around?
- Do you see Conrad?

How about one time, just for laughs,
I'll ask you a question,

and you maybe answer me,
you know, like a human?

What can I say?
You bring out the "fuck you" in me.

Fine. Moving on.
Bringing good news. You're free.

Abe Lincoln beat you to it.
What else you got?

I took care of your debt.
You don't owe Marvin anything.

You're gonna have trouble moving your shit
on the streets, but you still have me.

I have a new territory opening up
three times the size of Agrestic, so...

You're welcome.

No thanks necessary, since I assume

none are coming.

- What's that?
- I'm making a buy.

Little Miss Nancy Do-good.

Burying her boyfriend
and back to dealing dime bags.

All things in their proper place.

Yeah, praise Jesus, blah, blah, blah.

Oh, am I boring you?

Well, I will stop wasting
your precious time.

We're a bulk business now,

so you can take your little milk money
down to the corner.

- Can I talk to Conrad?
- He's over with the pot clubs.

Large customers with large money.

Now, you come back with five figures,
and we'll do business.

Hell,

I'll even throw in a fountain.

Oh, hey, Nance.

Doug, you're cooking in my kitchen.

- There's a reason for that?
- Andy's on set. I'm helping him out.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh, that's from the tall one.
Leif Garretty, Blue Lagoon-ish?

- Silas?
- Yeah. Said you were out of weed,

then he took off with a blonde.
Tiny tits, big cross?

- Tara.
- And your other one,

- big vocab, creepy eyes?
- Shane.

He's outside with what's-her-name.

- Celia's dyke.
- Isabelle.

- Hey, Mrs. Botwin.
- Hello, Isabelle, Shane.

- An unlikely duo.
- We've bonded through sin.

And school suspension.

- As in...
- Don't come back until you love Jesus.

- They call it reflection.
- And we got three days of it.

And how are we going to reflect?

Wii tournament.

Oh, my first pay check!

Ha!

My son's bringing in more money than I am.

Any chance I could borrow $10,000?

How fast can you turn it around?

Seriously? Turn it around in a month.
You got 10 grand?

If you could form a dummy corp.
And I form a dummy corp.

You find a supplier to accept the check,
I know an accountant/councilman

- with access to a civic investment portfolio...
- Can you do it?

- Have before.
- Do it.

Make it $50,000.

"Aguatecture." What is that, a colonic spa?

- Shane, where's your karate contact sheet?
- Drawer by the coffee maker.

All right, Lex, come on, baby.
Big finish. Big finish.

Let's show them how they do it
in Jersey, baby.

Oh, yes! Lovely, people.

- Cut! Cut!
- Is there any more?

Let's take a break.
Everybody, rinse out. We'll be back in 10.

Wow, Paul. Great scene.
You're really an artist.

Well, thanks.
We don't hear that enough in this business.

And that's a tragedy.
I mean, the genre's been hijacked

by amateurs, sure,
but when I see your attention to detail,

the framing, the risks you take,
it makes this viewer...

I guess you should know,
I've always wanted to...

Be in porn? Every caterer does.

Well, I think I could be great.

Look, I respect your ambition,

and I'd love to make it happen for you,

but I work with gods.

Jessica, she comes like a fountain.

Lex is packing a fucking Buick.

It's all about that something special
in this business.

What makes you special, Andy?

Footfuckers, scene one. "A" camera, mark.

And action.

Coming!

Hello.

I have a package for Mrs. Dowling.
Are you authorised to sign for it?

Your feet must be aching
from all the walking around that you do.

Well, it is a lot of walking.

Well, why don't you come inside
and take your shoes off?

That's right. Use your something special,
kid. Show me what you got.

Use that big toe! That's fucking great!

Footfuckers 2: Viva Las Vegas.
Scene one. "A" camera, mark.

And action.

Coming!

Room service.

I ordered that about two hours ago.

I'm sorry, ma'am. The elevator got stuck.
I had to climb all 43 floors to get here.

Well, your feet must be killing you.

There's a huge market
for fetish videos in Eastern Europe.

You're gonna be a huge star in Belarus.

- I mean, huge!
- Oh, yeah!

Good! Good! Get dirty, Andy! Get dirty!

I finish with the backyard, Mrs. Dowling.

- OK, OK, thrust, thrust!
- Oh, cramping, cramping!

- Cut!
- Ow, ow, ow!

Well, if it isn't the
Music Man of Majestic.

My partner in altruistic bullshit.

How are you this afternoon,
Councilwoman?

Smiling.

- You got my gift?
- Not why I'm smiling.

But, yes, I did.

Piece of advice.

Never send a woman a dress
she might not fit into.

- Did you try it on?
- It's a size 2.

Flattering and annoying at the same time.

I thought your breasts
would look good in red.

Well, it's a nice thought.

Listen, I want to see you.

Wear whatever dress you want,
or no dress at all.

I'm almost divorced.

Mazel tov.

Would you like to help me celebrate?

You know where I live.

I do. I do, indeed. See you, Councilwoman.

- Sure you want to do this?
- Yeah.

All right, hold it up to your mouth,
and I'll light it.

- How is it?
- It's...

- It's kind of gross.
- Do you feel anything different?

I feel like I want to brush my teeth.

- Maybe it's bad shit.
- But my dad gets it from your mom.

You know my mom's a drug dealer?

I saw her come over once.

I didn't tell anyone.

I won't tell anyone.

Thanks.

- You gonna try it?
- Yeah.

This is that moment
where I finally become cool, right?

No. Just stoned.

Stop it, stop it!

Stop it!

That's very funny, Tim. Open the door.

Open the fucking door! OK.

No, look, please.

You don't talk to me.
You can't talk to me.

That's my fault, too.

Tim! Jesus!

Oh, my God, are you OK?

- Your kid's not OK!
- I'm so sorry.

Get some help for him!

- Is it OK if I have one of your cigarettes?
- It's OK if you help your kid!

- I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry.
- Yeah, you say that all the time!

No, hey, hey, I have the money.

I just went in to get a quarter. Hello?

You know what?
Fuck you, OK? Fuck you!

Thanks. That was my first boob.

How was it?

Good.

Do you want to touch my, you know...

Not really into penises.

- Why haven't we ever hung out before?
- I don't know.

My mom hates your mom?

I think my mom's secretly in love
with your mom.

I think my dad loved me
more than my mom does.

My mom's a bitch.

But I miss her.
I don't know why.

Do you feel stoned?

I guess.

- I don't see what the big deal is.
- Yeah.

I prefer beer.

I prefer touching your boob.

You want to make a buy?

I said, would you like to make a buy?

All right, let's... Let's just cut.

Cut!

You did great, kid.
You really did. Come on up.

You got your foot in the door.
Or, in this case, your foot in Jessica.

- Hey, go get Lex.
- Wait, wait, wait. That's it?

Thanks for the foot, warm up the hot dogs?

- I've been working all day.
- What do you want, a medal?

It's a job.
And, yeah, go warm up the hot dogs.

Well, that's bullshit.

Hey, I'm talking to you, Paul St. Moritz!

I always stood up for pornography.

I believed in it.
I thought it provided an essential service.

Light up a young person's imagination,

help a sexless marriage,
keep a predator off the street!

I thought porn was magical.
Now, I see it for what it really is.

It's a flesh factory
and we are all slabs of meat.

Lex here is not
an unbelievably enormous dick.

And I'm not a foot.

- You're not a foot, Andy.
- Thanks, Lex. We're human beings.

I gave you my something special,
and you ate it.

You took something beautiful,
like Jessica's vagina,

and you made it just a place to put a foot.

You need to do some soul-searching,
my friend.

This whole industry does.

It exploits, it dehumanises,
it degrades men.

- Everybody back to one.
- Back to one!

This is from Nancy.

- First time I ever took a cheque.
- She said she wants her fountain.

Conrad!

- And what's your name?
- Judah.

And this is...

- Sunshine.
- Is that right?

Well, Mr Judah, Ms Sunshine,

you tell the City of
Agrestic we're impressed.

And you tell Nancy, if this cheque bounces,

- she better start running.
- I'll do that.

Stop.

- I want to, but I can't.
- Stop.

I have cancer. I had cancer.

They cut them off.

These are...

spare parts.

I don't care.

- No, I need to leave my top on.
- Celia Hodes,

you're a smart, ambitious, sexy woman.

I'm embarrassed.

I haven't gotten hard on
my own for two years.

- I've been popping magical boner pills.
- Magical boner pills?

Yeah.

I took one in your
driveway half an hour ago.

Do you like my penis any less?

No. No, I don't.

We're used.

It doesn't mean we can't be sexy.

Doesn't mean we can't,
pardon my language,

fuck like bunnies.

Cool.

If I still had feeling in my nipple,
I bet that would be amazing.

All right, enough. Listen to me.

I barely know you,

but the first time I saw you,

there was something about you
that was so familiar.

Familiar in the best way.

Like we shared something, like...

we had a secret.

I just want to know you. I don't know why.

I just do.

OK. Stop talking.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Mrs. Botwin.

- That's me.
- I'm Valerie.

You want to take a step up
to the x-ray machine?

OK.

You're the doctor?

Oh, no, doctor's at lunch.
I just take the x-rays.

- You can take out your breast.
- What?

Oh, right, right.

Mammogram's nothing to be nervous about.

- It'll be over in a minute.
- Right. Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Why are you apologising?
You've got great breasts.

- These?
- You should see some of the jugs we get.

Gravity's cruel.

All right, lift up your breast

and get as much of it
onto the plate as you can.

- Erm...
- All right?

Just get it all on there.
Just spread it out.

- No. No.
- Just right on there.

Yeah, no, that's great. That's great.
OK, now you're gonna feel...

- Really? ...a little bit of
pressure when I lower the top.

- And... smush.
- Aah...

OK, I know it's probably uncomfortable,
but I'm fast.

Do you like this job?

- Are you locked in?
- Oh, yeah. Ready to go.

I know who you are.

Excuse me?

I...

know...

who...

you...

are.

So, Nancy Botwin, why are you here?

And what do you want?

And why the fuck are you stalking me?