Weeds (2005–2012): Season 3, Episode 7 - He Taught Me How to Drive By - full transcript

With U-Turn finally out of the way, and Marvin taking over the business, Nancy finds a way to clear herself from debt.

Previously, on Weeds

That was
a real nice brick dance.

- I left you a package in the garage.
- Heroin?

We need these votes.

I'm thinking
a golf membership.

I don't play golf.

What is it you do play, Celia?

I play house.

We're shooting a movie
in one of our empty houses.

Needs a caterer,
you'll thank me later.

Can you convince mom
that I'm stuck in a classroom



full of religious zealots,
two klicks away from jihad?

I like you, Nancy Botwin.

I bet you look good rolling
right out of bed in the morning.

You've been fucking him the whole time
you were married to me?

It's just business between us,
always has been.

Agent Fundis, D.E.A.

I'm here to talk
about Peter Scottson.

He hasn't come into work for a few days,
and we haven't heard from him.

Clinique here gon' take you
and fuck the gay out of you.

I can see your boner.

Don't be embarrassed.

That's what god's love
is all about.

I've been shot! Man, you
think it was the mexicans?

Cucaracha motherfuckers.



Now, where's our crop?

You get your fuckin' crops, and
then we're done with your ass.

It's over
when I say it's over.

U-turn, oh, my god.

Call for help!

I've been waiting a long time
for this, motherfucker.

U- turn's dead! He's dead!

Weeds - Season 3 - Episode 07
He Taught Me How To Drive By

Transcript by testexam

Synch :
Michvanilly / [dx] / Macanto, San-A

Why exactly
is he in a hot tub?

The boat didn't fit.

Oh, of course not.

Look at his grand-mama

crying over there
in her designer dress.

He sure was good to her.

just to be sure.

He looks pretty dead to me.

'Sup, Two Strikes?

Hey, Clinique,
how you doing, baby?

Oh, I'm fuckin' pregnant again.

Some indian kid
I mercy-fucked for U-turn.

Oh, sorry.

Y'all know each other?

No, hi.

Two strikes, is it?
Nancy. Hello.

I ain't giving this one up.

Damn.

I remember
when he was just a wannabe,

when we busted our
carjacking cherries together.

He taught me how to drive-by.

Respect.

Thank you.

Don't think of this
as a loss of identity.

Think of this as an upgrade
to a better way of life...

Better services, better schools,
better tax base.

- This merger...
- Oh, enough.

Agrestic and Majestic
are never gonna merge.

I told them
about your deal with Celia.

Where are our houses?

I was more than generous
with all of you.

Let's get an idea of how the vote's
gonna go. I gotta get home for

"Are you smarter than a 5th grader?"

all in favor of a town merger
with Majestic, say, "aye."

- Aye.
- All those against?

NAY!

Oh, the nays have it.
Up your ass, Groff.

Friends,
this is a colossal mistake.

Think of the people
you represent.

The votes aren't there...
nothing more to say.

Find yourself another town to swallow.
Celia can help you. She's good at that.

All right, not so fast,
4th grader.

There is a way to bypass
a city council on this issue.

If it's put to a referendum,
the town can decide.

Referendum.

Hell of an idea,
councilwoman Hodes.

- Whore.
- Whore, whore.

Whore...

- You did that on purpose.
- Hey, guys, come on,

what's wrong with you people?

Miss Hodes knows that
this is good for Agrestic.

Whatever.
let's get out of here.

I want to thank you for that.

That's what friends do.

I don't want to be
your friend.

Come home with me.

What about lunch tomorrow?

I'm not hungry for food.

Well, maybe by then
you will be.

So, what does this mean
for our debt?

Are we off the hook?

Depends on who
makes new leader.

Well, how does that work?

- Is there an election?
- What, you ain't get the ballot?

There's Marvin, maybe
he can shed some light.

Hey, Marvin.

- How you doing?
- Okay.

I know this must be
really hard for you,

losing your friend, your cuz,

which could mean your cousin
or not...

I'm a little unclear...

But also your leader.

My dad and his moms
were second cousins.

Well, there you go.

So, I just also wanted to say

that it's been great
getting to know you,

- and maybe one day...
- Wait...

You think 'cause U-turn dead,
you off the hook?

- No?
- Who's in charge now?

Me.

I'm the nigga in charge
over here.

You owe me now.

You got a problem with that?

No... It's just... it's a big job
you're taking on, Marvin.

I'm a big boy.

How's your ass doing?

How'd you know about that?

- Nancy?
- I didn't say anything, I swear.

U- turn... he said something about it
the other day when he paid me a visit.

He said the mexicans
popped you?

You gonna take that shit on?

I ain't afraid
of those taco bells.

- But I am gonna settle things right.
- Settle?

Call a meeting,

figure something out
before we all kill each other.

You're goin' face-to-face?

They gonna gun your big ass down
for real this time.

Not with her there,
they won't.

No one wants a dead white lady
on their hands.

Oh, I'm not sure I'm comfortable
going to a gang summit.

You ain't got no fucking choice.
We goin' tomorrow.

I thought you were
going to summer camp.

Too expensive
with the divorce.

Everything's a mess.

So, what's the deal here?

Watch.

This is a case of betrayal.

Judas did it.

This is the strange case
of the mad scientist.

Big bang's a lie, and dinosaurs
lived on earth the same time as man.

- Shane Botwin!
- What?

If you're gonna shove your
doctrine down our throats,

at least be clever about it.

I thought I was, but I guess
you're just too smart for me.

Perhaps you should take over,

present something to the class
that is mysterious to you.

- Okay.
- Okay! Stand up.

I'd like to solve the mystery

of the school that
receives federal funding...

yet promotes
a religious curriculum

in direct violation

of church-state separation
mandates.

Sit down, Shane Botwin.

Yes, sir.

Jesus Christ.

Exactly.

How're you doing?

You know, living the dream.

- You?
- How did you know Marvin got shot?

U- turn never said anything
about it that day.

You really think you deserve
to know the answer to that?

I think that's what you
wanted to talk to me about.

Maybe I want to talk to you
about how you kiss.

Maybe that's a discussion
for another time.

Look, the mexicans
are real pissed at Marvin

for his part in the drive-by.

U- turn's really pissed
they shot Marvin in the ass.

Maybe they didn't shoot him
in the ass.

Maybe someone else did it to make it
look like the mexicans did it.

Maybe someone did it
to start a gang war

and let all them motherfuckers kill
each other so that we could all be free

Don't go to this meeting.

now he's concerned.

What the hell
was I supposed to do?

Something.

Maybe I was doing it.

{}Yeah{}.

Sorry I knocked over
your plant.

Wasn't my plant.

I'm telling you, mom,

I'm at
a very impressionable age.

And if you're not careful,
this pedagogy will take root,

and you'll end up with
a right-wing narc on your hands.

Hang tough, stick to your beliefs.

Show a little character.
I know you have it in you.

They're fundamentalists.

You're not getting out
of summer school!

I don't have anywhere else
to put you.

You're not sitting at home all
day playing with my video games.

- Don't say I didn't warn you.
- Morning

Mom, this is Tara.

- Little early for a visitor, isn't it?
- She slept over.

- Silas...
- Mom...

... Not after megan and quinn.

I'm not going through this again.

You're not gonna make me
that mom.

Tara, it's lovely to meet you.

You seem like a nice girl.

But my son isn't allowed to have
sleepovers, and he knows this.

Oh, we're not having sex,
mrs. Botwin.

I'm a virgin.

- Oh, really?
- I honor god mith my abstinence...

Until the day I join
my husband in marriage.

- You don't say.
- They're everywhere.

It's true. we're abstaining.

Well, good for you.

I have a question.
Do you really think evolution is a lie?

Well, I believe

that I'm descended from
adam and eve and not a monkey.

So, natural selection,
darwinism, empirical data...

None of that factors in
for you?

Evolution is just a theory.

I mean, that's why they call it
the theory of evolution

and not the fact of evolution.

Oh, what about...

You've asked your question.
now shut the fuck up.

Silas, don't swear at your brother.
Shane, don't antagonize Tara.

Tara, keep saving it
for the lord.

Where the fuck's andy?

Okay, everybody, that's lunch!

Lexington steele?

Oh, pleasure to meet you, sir!

Andy botwin, huge fan!

Not huge the way you're huge...
admiration huge.

- Thanks, bud.
- Hey, I took you in the ass. Huh?

Your dildo, the one they
had molded from your dick.

I was with a girl, israeli.
she strapped it on.

To be truthful,
for me, too big...

The dildo, not the girl.

Gave me a little oose-lay
oopy-pay, know what I mean?

- Look, what's good on the menu?
- Oh, what isn't good?

I present you
a mediterranean feast...

- Hummus, baba ghanoush, couscous...
- Got any beef?

Oh, yeah, kebabs right there.

So, does beef keep you hard?

I just like beef.

Oh, ladies, back away.
One stray pube in the tabbouleh,

the health department could
shut down the whole buffet.

Wait, look at you shaven mavens.
I take it all back.

Go ahead, step right up.

- You're funny.
- And cute... For a cook.

- What's up?
- Come in. Close the door.

Fine, but we're keeping
the shades open.

Listen, I just had a development
get shut down in phoenix

because
of some paperwork issues,

and I need for that
not to happen here.

Be a doll and legalize my construction
crew for me this afternoon.

Look, I know this is not the most
kosher thing in the world to do,

so if you can't do it, I'll just
fire you and hire someone who will.

You have no idea
how unkosher I can be.

Now I'm intrigued.
tell me more.

Can I do this tomorrow?
I have an appointment this afternoon.

- An appointment?
- It's a woman thing.

Oh, well,
it always is with you women.

Okay, tomorrow.

I got lunch.

I figured we'd eat

at one of those tables
in the courtyard and...

Nancy, I only have two sandwiches.
I'm sorry.

No problem, celia.

You know, Sullivan,
the fastest way

to get those
referendum signatures

may be
to have Nancy gather them.

She has scads
of sales experience.

That's a great idea, celia.

Yeah, you've got yourself
a good little worker here.

I'll be back later.

Dude, if you are fucking
with us, that is so not cool.

They're rolling.

These are my dishwashers.
Over there

Be cool.

This is the greatest thing
I've ever seen.

why is the black guy
wearing a pirate's hat?

It's called "peckers of the caribbean. "
He's captain Jack. Get it?

Not really.
shouldn't they be on a ship?

There's an anchor.

Pardon me.

Come on, still rolling here.
come on, keep going.

Still rolling.
we're still rolling.

Oh, god!

Actually, I need five minutes.

Better make it 10.

Cut! Cut!

- How you doing?
- Sore.

Hi, I'm... I'm dean.

Are you staring at my tits?

Paul, get this fucking creep
out of here.

- I didn't do anything.
- Fucking pervert.

- Escort mr. Tits here off the property.
- I didn't do anything.

I didn't do any...
I didn't do anything!

Paul, I got to go home.
his food gave me the shits.

Well, I guess we're even.

God damn it! my lead's gone.

- This is not good... not good!
- Let's do all girls.

Honey, it's called
"peckers of the caribbean."

how are we gonna do a movie
about peckers without peckers?

I'll do it.

I, uh, recently measured myself,
and I'm quite large...

Not Lex large, but respectable,
and I'm practically a peg leg.

- Fuck you.
- Okay, fair enough.

Jenny, this one goes, too.

And you, listen to me.

From now on,
it's chicken and fucking rice.

If I see anything ethnic
on this table, you are fired.

The only thing I want coming
out of my actors'asses

is a hard dick, got it?

Say you love jesus. say it.

If I say I love another man,
doesn't that make me gay?

Do you want to be damned
for all eternity?

No, I just want you
to go to hell.

We're trying to save you.

You guys, stop.

"Blessed are the peacemakers."
matthew 5:9.

Shane, don't you
want to be saved?

By you?

Well, only you can decide
to take jesus into your heart,

but I can help.

We can talk about him,
study his word.

Why don't we try it at lunch
today, see how it goes?

Okay.

Great.

What happened to you?

Amelia's going to save me.

Amelia.

I'm not sure
this is such a good idea.

You second-guessing me, bitch?

No, not at all. Respect.

I'm just...
maybe you shouldn't mention

them having shot you
or the drive-by.

You know how gangsters can be

and their egos
and their guns and shivs.

Look, they ain't gonna shoot you
in public

so just shut the fuck up.

Hey, it's
the brick dance lady.

Yo.

Give me back
our fucking chiva.

Man, I don't got your chiva.

I'm just here to tell you
that if you let me have the weed trade,

you can take everything else...
all the hard shit's yours.

I ain't a greedy hard ass
like U-turn.

Where's our fucking chiva,
pendejo?

Yo, man, I ain't got it.

Son of a bitch.

Maybe we kill you anyway,
turn you on a spit.

We can feed
a whole fuckin'country.

Uh, what's... what's chiva?

- Tigre, goma, brea.
- No, no, no. No comprende.

Heroin, Chelita.

Now I think I know
what he's talking about.

- Maybe.
- You got my chapopote?

Aw, Jeez,
you have so many names for it.

Yeah, it's kind of like
eskimos and snow, right?

You better talk quick before
I pop gordito here, querida.

If I knew where it was...
your... Stuff

and you got it back,
would you leave us alone?

Piece-of-shit bastard.

Would you please take the gun
out of his mouth?

That motherfucker trusted you
and not me?

Okay, enough, Marvin.
he didn't appreciate you.

Now, listen...

I want you to wipe out my debt,
all of it,

along with heylia's
and conrad's...

Gone, finished, over.

Bullshit. You mine, bitch.
you all mine.

Guillermo,

Marvin doesn't want me
to give you your chiva back.

I want to, but I'm his bitch,
so I can't.

Yo, fat albert...

You gonna give my brick-dancer
what she wants?

Or maybe you want to hang out
with U-Turn again.

I'm sure that he's lonely
en el infierno.

On your mother's life?

I swear. you off the hook.

And I'm growing impatient.

Okay, one sec, one sec,
one sec, one sec.

Hold on.

Tomorrow morning,
go to this address,

follow these instructions,
you'll get your trunk.

Hey, both of you...

These streets
belongs to m?xico now.

You out of the drug business,
amigos.

Not even mota.

Oh, that's "weed" in english.

I don't ever want to see or hear
about you dealing anywhere in my city...

Nada.

Nothing.

Adi?s.

Hey, Amelia!

I missed you at lunch today,
what happened?

I apologize, Shane.
I haven't forgotten about you.

The lord has sent me to someone who's
in greater need of prayer and counsel.

Yeah? But I'm
a blasphemous, liberal jew.

What could be worse than that?

Isabel thinks
she's a homosexual,

but she's just lost her way.

I've got to help her.

Hola.

?C?mo est?? Bien, gracias.

Su nombre es Martin Shackelman.

Hola, Se?or Shackelman.

Mi nombre es Estefan Fenel?n.

No, Estefan.
you are now Harold Strauss.

S?, Se?or, s?.

Sign with your new name,
por favor.

Sign this petition

for an Agrestic/Majestic
merge.

S?. it's a beautiful thing.

Gracias. Por favor.

Got to learn Spanish.

Your referendum, nonkosher.

I don't believe it. You couldn't
have had time to get them all.

I'm very resourceful.

There's a towel
in the bathroom

if you need to get out
of your wet clothes.

I don't need a towel.

You're gonna help me
celebrate.

What are we celebrating?

My freedom.

Are you quitting?

At least not yet.

We're gonna see
how this goes first.

Any chance you speak spanish?

Never mind.

Oh, I have to warn you.

My last two relationships...
both guys ended up dead.