Weeds (2005–2012): Season 3, Episode 14 - Protection - full transcript

Previously on Weeds...

- I've been shot.
- Are we sure this is the way to the hospital?

We ain't going to no hospital.
We got our own guy, Dr Tupelo.

Dumb-name will know my wrath.
The wrath of Doug.

What kind of man tears a cross
off the roof of a church?

An impressive one, I'm guessing.
That's a big fucking cross.

I need to rent your empty house.
We need a grow house.

- How did that cross get in there?
- Doug snuck it in on Sanjay's shift.

I'm opening up another supply line.

There's this biker chick
that Andy wants to fuck

and a guy named Chess.



Let me show you what I got for you.
You're gonna be a loyal customer.

This weed sucks.

This is inferior product.

Our business arrangement's
not gonna work out.

- And why is that?
- My customers don't seem to like your product.

You weigh the pros and the cons,
and I'll be in touch.

Three motorcyclists
pulled me out of the car.

They said they're coming after you.
They're coming after all of us.

How many motorcycles in Pittsburgh?
I need to look it up.

- Who are you talking to?
- Dad.

We've got to hit them back.

No way we can let them
get away with this shit.

OK. Calm down.
Let's get you looked at first.

How's that arm doing?



- Hurts like shit.
- No, try not to move it so much.

- OK. Either of you armed?
- Broken-armed.

I'm going to need a $500 cash deposit.

We only accept American currency,
and we no longer barter.

- Good old American green.
- Mm-hm.

OK. Dr Tupelo will see you now.

- He's gonna be fine, right?
- How much can you move the arm?

Not broken.

And the head wound,
it looks a lot worse than it is.

Don't you want to x-ray him or something?

If you'd like a second opinion,
I could call my buddy at Cedars.

He'll order up an MRI,
it'll run you at least 10 grand,

and he'll tell you the same thing.

The system's broke, I'm
working outside of it.

I hear you. How can we call ourselves
a first-world country?

I mean, we can't even provide
basic healthcare for our criminals.

Argh!

- How deep is that cut?
- Six or seven stitches.

And I'm out of Demerol.
Now, I'm gonna give you a topical.

A topical? Are you kidding me?

Your boy looks like a tough young man.
He can handle it.

I'm fine. Just do it.

I remember you.

You came in with U-Turn and Marvin.

I might have.

Yeah, it took me forever to find
that tiny little bullet

in the middle of that big fat ass.

Charged him double.

Yeah, well, I'm hoping for a discount,
since we're foregoing the painkillers.

Still got to charge you
for parts and labour, honey.

Any chance you're a shrink, too?

- Is Judah here right now?
- Yeah.

- Where is he?
- Behind you.

- I don't know why I did that.
- Because he's behind you.

- I don't see him.
- He sees you.

Did you catch The Sixth Sense on cable?
"Do you see dead people?"

- Am I dead? Jesus.
- No, you're alive.

- OK.
- What?

I didn't say anything.

- You tell him.
- Tell who?

Dad wants to say something to you.

What?

Why don't you answer him?

- Answer who?
- Dad.

Shane, if you're putting us on,

I give you all the credit in the world
for fully committing to this.

Kudos. All right. Bravo.

- Answer Dad.
- Fine, what's he saying?

He wants to know why you let Mom down. Why
you didn't take better care of all of us.

That's bullshit.

There must be like a million ways
we can get those biker assholes.

I have no muscle. I have no army.
I'm in heels, for Christ's sake.

What the hell does that mean?

OK, Shane's not pretending.

He actually thinks he's talking to Judah.
It's very Stephen King.

- Where is he now?
- He's upstairs with Judah.

After hearing what Judah's
been saying to him,

I'm starting to think he might actually
be communicating with the other side.

Weird things happen
when these Santa Ana winds start blowing.

No. Andy, help me out here.

- What the hell am I gonna do?
- Take him to a shrink.

Should have done it years ago.
He's fucking nuts.

Go put ice on your bruises
like Dr. Tupelo told you to.

Taking him to a shrink isn't a bad idea.

Oh, no? What if he starts talking about
what his mommy does for a living?

So, we just tell him to lie.

Wait, I guess that defeats the purpose.

Why does everything have to blow
up simultaneously? It's not fair.

- Things could be worse, you could be pregnant.
- Bite your motherfucking tongue.

Relax. How could you be pregnant?
It's not like you're getting any.

- Or are you?
- Shut up.

- Are you? Are you?
- Shut up. Quit it.

Are you?

Thank you.

Hi, there.

I'd like to make a deposit.

- $15,000?
- It's been a good month.

- Fill these out. Bring them back.
- What are they for?

Well, one's for the IRS,

which demands we report
any deposit over $10,000 in cash.

The other's for the bank, we keep internal
records of any deposit in cash over $5,000.

I'm not sure...

I counted right.

Thank you.

My slip.

Hello? Sullivan Groff speaking.

If you want to see your cross again, you
better listen and do the right thing.

- Who is this?
- It doesn't matter.

What matters is you make right on all the
promises you made to certain people.

Wilson, you piece of shit.

Shit. Fucking Radio Barn!

Shit. Shit.

Ah.

Of course.

We done planting, and rent ain't due
for another couple of weeks,

so what you doing here?

I need to know what you do
with all of your drug money.

I never realised how useless cash is.

Can't deposit it in the bank,
can't pay my bills with it,

and my family is not going
to get their hands on it. Uh-uh-uh.

Sorry, I ain't training another white girl
in the ways of the drug business.

Didn't turn out too good for me last time.

I'm your landlord.

And if I can't handle all of this cash,

well, there's just no
incentive to rent to you.

Lord, help me.

Fine.

First off, you take out
20% and you hide it.

Furniture cushions, floorboards,
up your snatch if you gotta.

Never know when you're gonna need it.
No, trust me. It's your savings account.

Now, it don't earn no interest, but there's nothing
like cold hard cash when fate comes calling.

OK, well, what about the other 80%?

Take the rest, and you start a company.

What kind of company?

You know what,
why don't you find yourself an accountant

that don't mind bending the rules
and let him take care of it for you?

OK.

You gonna leave me to my reading?

Do you ever get scared?

- About anything in particular?
- Getting caught.

Oh, no. You gotta put that out your mind.
It's like flying.

Sure, the plane might crash, but you
got to get to where you're going fast.

So in the end, it's worth the risk.

We're gonna be friends.

Lord, help me.

- What does he say to you?
- He likes the way you wear your hair now.

He does?

But he's angry.

- At who?
- All of us.

- He is, is he?
- Yeah.

- Well, tell him that's not fair.
- You tell him. He's here.

Shane.

No, he's not.

He's dead. You saw him. You were there.

Please, don't do this anymore.
It's making me really sad.

Why? Don't you love him?

I'll always love the memory of him.

- What?
- He said he still loves you.

- Shane, this is you talking, isn't it?
- No, it's not.

Don't be mad at me.

I'm not mad. I'm just scared.

She's mad.

- Can I help you?
- Oh.

Oh?

- Oh. Hello. I'm Eve Meriweather.
- Good for you.

I'm going door to door. We're trying
to mobilise the entire neighbourhood

- to keep an eye out for suspicious behaviour.
- Suspicious behaviour?

You haven't seen anything
strange, have you?

- No, I can't say that I have.
- Are you sure?

What is it I'm supposed to be
looking out for?

Oh, why our cross, of course.

- Someone stole your cross?
- Yes.

That is a damn shame.
Who would do something like that?

Jews.

Well, I haven't seen it.
Haven't seen many Jews around here, either.

Well, they're mostly urban.

- You're new here.
- Just moved in.

- Oh! And you must be the wife.
- And you must be...

Eve Meriweather. Well, look at him.
Hello, baby.

Ah!

Why are little black babies
always so adorable?

Why are white babies always so ugly?

- Sense of humour.
- Ha!

Well, thank you for dropping by,

and, yes, if I see your cross,
I will call the number.

- See you all in church, I hope.
- Sure. Church. Praise the Lord.

Hallelujah.

- I hate white idiots.
- White idiots named Doug.

Celia.

- To what do I owe this horror?
- All right, save it. I'm here on business.

I need a slimy, crooked accountant
with no scruples

who will do anything to make a buck, and,
unfortunately, you're the only one I know.

What makes you think
I would lift a finger to help you?

How can I help you?

You can set up a dummy corporation
for me to funnel cash through.

- You did it for Nancy.
- I like Nancy.

Yeah, everybody likes Nancy.
Everybody hates Celia.

Time to come up with a new narrative.

- We like the old narrative, it felt right.
- Tough. I'm not on the outside anymore.

I am part of this operation
whether anyone likes it or not.

And I intend to get my fair share.

What?

I really want to have sex
with you right now.

You do?

I guess I must have
some sort of a castrating bitch fetish.

Yeah?

I'm really hard. Feel.

Oh.

Don't waste it on me.

I'd sooner lose a leg
than suck your dick again.

Set up the corporation fast.
I have major bills to pay.

Ooh. Hey! You are working for me now.

- How about Ball Busters Inc?
- Yeah, whatever. Work it out, bitch.

What are we waiting for?

- Where did you get this?
- Conrad had it at the grow house.

- Does he know you took it?
- No.

We can't just stand around and do nothing.
They'll just hit us again.

- Let me worry about it.
- You didn't get the shit beat out of you.

You're right. I didn't.

I'm also not going up against
an army of drug-dealing bikers

with a 17-year-old boy,
a flamboyant Hindi queen,

and a four-foot-tall
Jesus-loving pixie as my posse.

So what do we do, then?
They won't let us deal.

We can't sell their shitty ditch weed.
We're out of options.

- I'll think of something.
- You better do it fast,

because the next crop
of MILF is almost ready.

Don't you have other things to do,
go to the mall or something, be normal?

Like it or not, this is
a family business now.

- Then let the head of the family worry about it.
- The head of the family's dead.

At least that isn't my fault.

When Chess is mad,
he does stupid things.

Beating the shit
out of a defenceless teenage kid is psycho.

Well, unfortunately, there's not much
I can do to stop him. Never has been.

Then what the hell am I doing here?
I never wash my van.

- You're here because of me.
- No, no, no, no.

This Romeo and Juliet shit
isn't working for me,

not if there isn't anything you can do
to stop him.

I tried.

- I really did.
- No, you tell your brother,

if he ever touches anyone
in my family again, I will kill him.

OK, maybe don't pass that message along,

but just know in your heart,
his behaviour is unacceptable.

- Call me?
- Yeah, maybe.

You here for a date?

No.

No date.

Er...

- I need help.
- You try Home Depot?

- Plenty of Mexicans there that can help you.
- Not that kind of help.

I'm being shaken down
by bikers in the hills.

- Yeah? I know them.
- You know them?

Señorita, I know everybody
who tries to peddle shit in sunny L.A.

And I mean shit. They grow garbage.
They are garbage.

They beat up my son.
They're threatening me.

So what do you want from me?

Protection.

And what do I get in return
for this protection?

My undying gratitude?

How about in return we're partners?

- What kind of partners?
- 50-50 partners.

- Half?
- Of everything.

- Can I think about it and get back to you?
- No, you cannot. Yes or no.

Deal or no deal. Ahora.

What kind of protection would I get
for half of everything?

You get total protection.
No more shakedowns.

Anyone fucks with you, they fuck with me.
When they go down, they go down hard.

- Fine.
- Good.

You don't got to worry about
those biker pendejos anymore.

I'll take care of them.

- What are you gonna do?
- Don't you worry, chelita.

- What if they come after me?
- They ain't gonna come after you.

They're gonna be thanking Jesús Cristo
they're still breathing.

Then they're gonna get on those ridiculous
maricon bikes that they ride

and head to Canada.

Then word's gonna spread
that you're being protected by me,

and that's gonna allow you
to conduct your business in peace.

I could use a little peace.

You'll have it.

And you tell your son,
no one's ever gonna mess with him again.

I believe this belongs to you.

You might want to try
and hide it a little better next time.

- How you get it?
- Silas took it.

He wanted me to use it
to blow the bikers away.

Like your hero U-Turn?

- Silas got a tattoo on his ass, too?
- Will you let that go already?

Jealous Conrad, so not sexy.

Should I be carrying this on me?
What's going on with said bikers?

It's taken care of.

- I went and bought some protection.
- From who?

- Guillermo.
- So we working for Guillermo now?

God damn, girl! You realise
you just trading one gangster for another?

Yes. I also realise that I have no choice.

These things are gonna
keep happening to me.

If I don't have any muscle behind me,
I won't be able to do my business.

Like it or not, I'm a drug dealer.

There, I said it out loud.
I'm a fucking drug dealer.

- How much he ask?
- Half.

- Half?
- I let my son be a part of this.

And I couldn't protect
him, it was my fault.

I did what I had to do
to protect my family.

- And who protects us from Guillermo?
- I can handle Guillermo.

How, by fucking him?

That was so not fair.

It's just that we in this together now.

You.

And me.

And your boy Guillermo.

Ain't this the fucking shit?

The two Garys up in the
bird did some flyovers

with the thermal-imaging camera,
got some sweet shots.

- Anything sexy?
- Two meth labs.

If the Patriot Act had
tits, I'd buy it a steak.

Wait. Go back one.

Zoom in.

Closer.

- Who you calling?
- Majestic.

I read an article in the paper
about this cross of theirs that got stolen.

- I think I just found it.
- Not our problem.

It's called moral duty.

- Where's your respect for the Lord?
- Whose Lord we talking about? Not mine.

If you ask me a cross that size
is for a lord with a tiny dick.

- What's going on?
- Fire.

- That's a big one. Where is it?
- Here.

It started in the foothills. Then it jumped
the highway and now it's right here.

The Santa Ana winds
aren't helping matters.

At this moment, the fire department
is issuing voluntary evacuation orders...

Denise just called,
said the fire started in their grow field.

Someone torched it.

You wouldn't happen to know
anything about that, would you?

What are we gonna do?

- Does that mean we have to leave?
- What about the grow house?

Nance, any ideas?

Shane, ask Judah
if he has any suggestions.