Weeds (2005–2012): Season 3, Episode 13 - Risk - full transcript

Previously on Weeds.

"Whore."

Fucking pregnant again.

Some Indian kid I mercy fucked for U-Turn.

Ain't nothing to say, faggot,
except "send money."

- I thought you were dating me.
- I am.

So I'm just something for you
to rub up against.

Silas, don't do this.

Thug means never having to say you're sorry.

- Kids need to know if there's danger.
- What kind of danger?

Big, scary men with guns.



I've been doing some research on the internet
and I really think Pittsburgh is the place for us.

That little thing's a camera?

I can broadcast the image
to any computer in the house.

Dumb-name will know my wrath,
the wrath of Doug. It's coming.

- Andy, meet Chess.
- You wanna buy from me?

Why don't you let Ms. Botwin know
it's available if she's interested?

Oh, yeah. I'm bad. Punish me.

You will start paying
for the many sins against me.

I need to rent your empty house.

We need a grow house.
Can you deal with that?

Slut.

And where were you last night, young lady?

Sinner.

- Why is this cross in my house?
- Andy said I could put it here.



- Andy?
- Let me ask you something.

You think our customers might be interested

in some lovely outdoor-grown biker bammy?

How did it get in here?

Oh, it wasn't easy. Let me say that right now.

And getting it outta here?

Ooh, I'm gonna say near impossible on that one.

Make the impossible possible, Doug.

Why don't I come back
after you've had your coffee?

Yeah, why don't you?

I think it wouldn't be a terrible idea

if we had an alternative source for weed.

- Bikers?
- Motorcycle club.

They're great.

It's a family business, brother and sister.

- You met a biker girl?
- No.

Yeah. No. She's not a girl. She's a woman.

Of course she is.

Discussion over.

But this has nothing to do with her.
It's an opportunity.

- Where were you all night?
- I was working.

You have a working mother, Shane.

Them's the breaks.

What's wrong with offering
another choice to our clients?

They aren't looking for choices.

People are too overwhelmed by choice.

- They seek simplicity.
- I'm not buying it.

This is a culture where you can order
coffee 80 million ways, and people love it.

Chess just wants you to think about it.

Chess...

wants me to think about it?

How does Chess know what I do?

Yeah. That was kinda creepy.

He seemed to know a lot about you.

That's not good.

Right, Shane. Very observant.
That's not good.

Don't cock-block me on this, Nance.
She's really hot.

See how many bricks he'll trade me
for a giant cross.

How the hell did he get it in here?

I believe it's a miracle.

I don't believe in miracles.

I believe in Pittsburgh.

I swear I think the sky is bluer over here.

No graffiti, no drunks and junkies.
Shoot, I'll take it. How long we staying?

This is temporary, little girl.
And don't kid yourself.

There's plenty of drunks
and junkies out here.

They just ain't on the corner
cos they got air-conditioning.

- Morning.
- Morning.

- Did you hear how high her voice got?
- Mm-hm.

She think we gonna jump her.

That's why we gonna be just fine.

How do you figure?

There's only one thing
more powerful than white fear...

- Mm.
...and that's white guilt.

- Mm.
- Now, they say, "Good morning,"

but what they're really saying is,
"I'm not racist."

Look at this one coming up here.

- Hello, there. How are you?
- Good morning to you.

Ooh, yeah.

They gonna treat us like Maya Angelou
and Condoleezza Rice.

So, how we doing here?

Well, a lot of the plants
that were ready for harvest didn't make it,

and we're dealing with a lot less space here.

You are asking about the crop?

Yes. I'm asking about the crop.

- I'm running low.
- I can't fill you back up right now.

- I'm thinking of opening up another supply line.
- With who?

There's this biker chick that Andy wants to fuck
and a guy named Chess.

18-foot cross in my house... I don't know.

Well, it's gonna be a little dry
around here for a while.

Then I'll do it.

Ooh, Lord!

I can smell this house
from two fucking blocks away.

Smells like a skunk massacre
happening up in here.

- What you gonna do?
- How about this for a game plan?

I grow inside,
you and Vaneeta grow outside.

Rosemary, lavender.

Fine. As soon as I make
a little something to eat, I'll get to it.

You need a shower.

- What, you don't want to stay and help?
- I haven't got the green thumb.

She just got the white attitude.

Yeah. That's all I'm saying, Bill.

We substitute the cheap drywall
from China, it'll save us a ton.

- Hey, there. How you doin'?
- I'm gonna have to call you back.

You know, I hope for Nancy's sake

that you used a condom.

God forbid you should replicate.

God bless you all.

My decorator.

We're doing a little remodelling.

I want to be part of the team,
one of the cool kids.

What can I do?
What can I do? What can I do?

Ain't nothing for you to do
but collect your rent every month.

Oh, sure.
Everyone gets to have fun except me.

Well, fuck that shit. I am here to kick ass!

- Whose ass?
- Whoever gets in my way. Come on.

Let me do something fun. Come on. Please.

I am on a real high here.
Do not bring me down.

OK, Gangster Barbie,
I will figure something out.

You'll see. I'm good. I'm ready.

I will not disappoint you.
I'll be a great soldier.

I'm sure you will. Hold this.

I'm helping Daddy, aren't I?

Whoa!

What took you so long?
I texted you over two hours ago.

- You're not my only customer, Sully.
- I really need to smoke out.

I'll bet. What happened?

It's just a signal
that it's time for me to move on.

Forward to my next
shitty, prefab Jesus town.

Hey, you know
I take this Jesus stuff seriously.

- Sorry.
- Shame you have to go.

You're one of my best customers.

You could go with me.

Huh. No, thanks.

I'm happy here
in my shitty, prefab Jesus town.

Shame.

What can I do for you, Pot Mommy?

My horny lieutenant tells me
you may have some product for me.

Oh, now. Low on the MILF, huh?

You seem to know so much about me.
I know nothing about you.

Doesn't seem fair.

You should've checked out
my Facebook page.

Hey, wanna play some Risk?

- I'm in.
- Andy.

- What?
- Mommy's all business, I see.

You know what? OK.
Let me show you what I got for you. Hm?

Risk is all about Kamchatka.
That's your gateway to the West.

Uh-huh? Think you're telling me
something I don't know?

Your housewives will love it.

Make 'em forget
that their husbands won't fuck 'em.

- How much?
- Five for a pound.

That's a fair price.

Yeah.

For a full pound.

Yeah, it might be a little short. You're good.

All right, tell you what, 10% discount. Mm?

You know what,
take the first one on consignment.

Why would you go
and do something like that?

Cos I can tell you'll be a loyal customer.

I'm all about loyal customers.

But you bring me back that five grand real soon.

Er, 10% off is, erm, $4500, right?

- Yeah.
- Chess, is it?

- Yeah.
- Is that short for Chester?

No.

It is. He hates it.

- See you soon, Pot Mommy.
- See you soon, Chester.

Hey, I challenge you to a game,
one-on-one.

- Winner takes all.
- All of what?

Oh, winner takes all, Nance!

Uncle Andy?!

Silas?

Mom?

Mom?

Mom? Mom?

Front door. Side. Back.

Hey.

Yeah, it's just a bug in the system.

Ugh.

This is so not what I had in mind.

Conrad said you wanted to get dirty.
Now you're dirty.

Hand me some more of that sage, Princess.

Make it smell Italian out here
instead of Jamaican.

These hands went to college.
Majored in English Lit.

These are not farm hands.

What? I'm part Viking. I miss my ice floe.

Look to me like hot flashes.

- You taking oestrogen?
- Can't.

Cancer.

- You?
- Shit. I tried HRT, ERT, and herbs.

Mm...

vodka and cigarettes,
only thing that works for me.

- Fuck this. Let's light up.
- Here you go.

Conrad expects us
to finish this planting today.

Fuck Conrad. He in the shade.

Yeah, but...

You got a boyfriend, Heylia?
Husband? Lover?

Is he a piece of shit, lying asshole?

I had my share of them,
but I'm taking a break,

maybe a lifetime break.

I think I'm doomed to be alone.

- Ain't no shame in it.
- But I get lonely.

- Buy yourself a dog.
- No, I'm not good with animals.

- Men and animals.
- Men are animals.

Listen to both of you.
Two of the scariest bitches on the planet.

No wonder nothing with a dick

wants to come within 100 yards
of either of you.

I don't see nothing that has to
stand up to pee in your life neither.

So shut the fuck up, Vaneeta.

Yeah, shut the fuck up, Vaneeta.

"And Herod with his soldiers treated him
with contempt and mocked him.

"Then, arraying him in gorgeous apparel,
he sent him back to Pilate."

Oh, for God's sake,
get to the punch line already before I die.

It's no joke, Mr. Mertes.
It's the crucifixion story. Luke, chapter 23.

Remember?
Where we left off last week?

- You read the Bible to me last week?
- Yes. I read it to you every week.

OK. This weed sucks.

We were low on MILF,
so we had to go to a new grower.

Well, it's ditch weed drag.

Don't let it happen again.
I'm on borrowed time.

This is not quality.
I am so sorry, Mr. Mertes.

Silas, make her give me my money back.

This new weed sucks.

I know. Nobody wants it. I told Mom.
We'll refund you, Mr. Mertes.

Good. Now I got to take a whiz.

If I'm not out in ten, do not resuscitate.

So you're talking to me? You missed me?

- You pissed me off.
- Cos you like me.

- Because I like you.
- I like you, too.

I'm not... good at sharing.

Well, this you don't have
to share with anyone.

Only for you.

- A little help here!
- You should go help him.

In a minute.

Bad boy.

- You love it.
- I do.

Wait, hang on. There's more.

This is inferior product.

- Planning a big night on the town, are we?
- Not with this shit I'm not.

You got to hook me up with better weed.
They wouldn't even buy this at the Manhole,

and they smoke everything.

I'm sure they do.

I've got unsatisfied customers.
My reputation is suspect.

That outfit is suspect.

- Don't try to change the subject.
- We're out of MILF.

Gonna be at least a week
before we have more.

Well, hurry up, OK?
Clinique is putting the screws to me.

We're having a sonogram tomorrow,
and those things aren't cheap.

- Do you think you're ready to be a father?
- Do I look like I am ready to be a father?!

Terrific.

I'm always curious
about my customer's choices.

Yeah. I think this one chose me.

Care to elaborate?

It just reminds me that "thug" means
never having to say you're sorry.

- Don't you mean love?
- Absolutely not.

Ahh.

Love means you're constantly apologising.

Tell me about it.

I should get "I'm sorry, baby"
tattooed on my ass.

Why don't you?

I already got a giant eagle
chained to a rock there.

- Looking good. Wanna take a look?
- Yeah.

- Came out nice.
- Yeah.

You have something for me?

Ohh.

Thank you, Pot Mommy. And here you go.

Erm, I don't think our business
arrangement's gonna work out.

And why's that?

My customers
don't seem to like your product.

Wait. My shit is good.

Oh, no. Don't take it personally.
You grow Merlot, they prefer Cabernet.

Your customers sound gay.

Some of them are.
Most of them just don't like your weed.

Here's for the pound
you loaned me on consignment.

Good faith.

I wish you luck in all future endeavours.

So, see you around. Wear a helmet.
Follow safety laws.

Wait, wait, wait. I'm disappointed.

Are you absolutely sure
that we can't do business, huh?

- I am.
- That's a shame.

But just to show you
that there's no hard feelings,

I'd like to take you to dinner.
Give you a chance to get to know me.

I don't mix the business with the personal.

According to you,
we're not doing the business any more.

- We're not doing the personal, either.
- Tell you what, you think about it.

You weigh the pros and the cons,
and I'll be in touch.

Touch yourself, Chester. I gotta go.

Bye.

Girl's got balls.

Yeah, she does.

But who wants a chick with fuckin' balls?

Jesus, Doug.

"Whore."

Hello to you, too.

I've been doing a little light reading.

Hell did that cross get in there?

How the fuck?

Doug snuck it in on Sanjay's shift,
wired it, the whole thing.

Mangoes, apricots.

Nice supermarkets y'all got.

Yes. We blow a loud horn of plenty out here.

- That kind of day?
- Only kind I know.

What the fuck...

Oh, yeah.

Please tell me
you have a thing for traffic signs.

I got a thing for these figs.
They're delicious.

You fucked him?

That's none of your business.

OK. Get the fuck outta here.

What, you think you're the first black man
I've been with?

- I'm not?
- You know he's called U-Turn?

- OK, now you're just obscene.
- Come on.

I never slept with U-Turn.

Just gave him a hand job.

- OK, so now you're fucking with me.
- You think?

Do I believe you?

You'd better if you want to get lucky tonight.

- Why would you do that?
- Mess with you or get the tattoo?

The fucking tattoo.

I thought it would make me stronger.

Question is...

you got a thing for women
who got a thing for traffic signs?

That motherfucker caused us nothing but pain.

Motherfucker's dead. We're alive.

- That's true.
- Now shut up and taste this.

What city has 720 bridges
and 15 in its downtown alone?

- I'm gonna guess, Pittsburgh.
- Correct.

- And what city has the first robotics institute?
- Nance?

Pittsburgh.

Carnegie Mellon University.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Correct.

- Where was the first Big Mac sold?
- Pittsburgh.

- The first World Series?
- Uh-hurgh.

- The first aluminium building?
- Silas?

- Wrong. Pittsburgh.
- My God. What happened to you?

I was driving home. Stopped at a light.

- Ow, ow!
- Sorry...

Go get a rag.

- I stopped at a light.
- I heard.

And what happened? Look at you.

Three... Three guys on motorcycles
pulled me out of the car.

How many motorcycles in Pittsburgh?

They said they're coming after you.
They're coming after all of us.

I don't know. I need to look it up.

You need a doctor. Come on.
We're going to a doctor.

Jesus Christ, Shane!

There are many safe, ethnically diverse
neighbourhoods in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

I'm glad you asked. There's Allentown,
Arlington, Arlington Heights,

- Banksville, Beechview, Bloomfield...
- How do you turn the alarm off?

...Greenfield, Hays, Hazelwood...
- Shane!

- Lawrenceville, Mount Washington...
- Hey, buddy!

...North Shore, Oakwood,
Ridgemont, South Shore,

Spring Hill, Squirrel Hill,
St. Clair, Summer Hill, Windgap.

- I can also do them backwards.
- Shane, who are you talking to?

Dad.

Can too! Windgap, Summer Hill, St. Clair,
Squirrel Hill, Spring Hill,

South Shore, Ridgemont, Oakwood,
North Shore, Mount Washington,

Lawrenceville, Knoxville,
Highland Park, Hazelwood, Hays,

Greenfield, Brookline, Bluff,
Bloomfield, Beechview,

Banksville, Arlington Heights,
Arlington, Allentown.