Wedding Season (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
MAN 1: We are gathered here today
to witness the marriage
of Hugo Delaney and Katie McConnell.
I object!
Katie, please don't do this.
I love you.
I know I don't understand
everything about you,
or why you do some of the things
that you do.
But I want to understand.
I want to know every secret you have.
Learn every thought that you have. I...
I want to spend the rest of my life
next to you,
taking what the world throws at us, together.
And I can’t let you
throw your life away like this.
Katie...
Come away with me.
Stefan?
You fucking asshole.
What are you doing?
You stupid, stupid boy.
Go on, look around you.
It’s my wedding day.
What did you think?
That I would just run off with you?
You know I've tried,
but I don’t know how to get this
through your thick head!
Let me try again.
I don't want you
in my life!
I just don't understand. I just...
I thought it was real.
I thought she really loved me.
Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.
But it could be worse.
How? How could it be worse?
- Stefan. Hi.
- Hi.
Tell us about your weekend.
Do I plead The Fifth? There's...
No. That’s not a thing here,
just answer their questions.
You were at the wedding of Katie McConnell
and Hugo Delaney, correct?
Make quite the impressions, don't you?
I imagine that wasn’t
how you thought it’d go in your head?
- No.
- Or maybe it was.
Maybe that’s exactly
what was meant to happen.
Maybe you’re part of it all.
Part of what?
Oh, I don't know.
Let me see.
Theft.
Assault with a deadly weapon.
Mass poisoning.
What? Sorry, what are you talking about?
An assault?
A poisoning? Okay. I would never...
Wait, what are you talking about?
- What are you talking about?
- All right. Let's calm down.
Look, Stefan, Katie McConnell
hasn’t been seen since last night.
Her wedding night.
- Do you know where she is?
- She’s missing?
Is she all right?
Let’s go back to the beginning.
How long have you known Katie McConnell?
It was the start of the summer.
At another wedding.
Oh, another bloody wedding, was it?
Yeah, Well, we've had loads this summer.
It’s the wedding season.
Oh, wedding season, is it, Mr. Popular?
Well, I’ve been to three weddings
in my life,
and two of them were my own.
All right. This was Saturday,
May 9th, Stefan?
It's the wedding of Rory Campbell
and Yuna Seok.
Three months before Katie’s wedding,
you were both there.
Yeah, we're friends.
Who else were you there with?
I don’t know. Lots of people.
Best friends,
my girlfriend, Vanessa.
The gang.
- Yes, thank you.
- Go ahead...
You have to line the stomach.
We’re not eating until like 6:30.
Also I’m hungover af.
You were out the night
before your sister’s wedding?
That’s bold.
Okay. Don’t you start, all right?
My sister nearly unbridesmaided me.
I had to, though, didn’t I? I had a date.
Uh-oh. On a scale of one to ten,
how already-married was this one?
Zero, okay? Not at all married.
But turns out he did have
a girlfriend though.
You shagged him anyway, though,
didn’t you?
Yeah.
Don’t celebr-- Don't celebrate,
that's really not cool.
Anil, just because you and Leila
have decided to imprison yourself
in this cage of monogamy,
it doesn’t mean that the rest of us
have to, okay? Thank you.
I would be happy
to be in the monogamy cage, tbh.
I'm just saying great relationships
can come from unexpected places.
Why rule someone out
just because they’re seeing someone.
You know, or like
"not in the right place right now."
Or "in a traveling circus."
That’s not a real example, is it?
Well, you'll be bringing him
to our wedding?
Our wedding is at the end of July, Anil.
It’s just useful to know.
It makes no difference.
She could bring a blow-up doll
and it literally wouldn't matter.
Okay. I can confirm
it will be an actual person.
It matters for the table plan!
It’s three months away
you’re actually demented.
I'm not. What...
I wish I loved anything
as much as your friends love arguing.
Not even me?
I do love a registry office do.
In and out, 30 minutes. Perfect.
Yeah, but the trade-off is they’ve
probably written their own vows.
What’s wrong with that?
You are the umbrella of my rain.
And you are the Saturday to my Sunday.
You are the pork to my chop.
Sit down.
These don’t even make sense.
There’s an art to writing these.
Just because it’s not how you would do it,
it doesn’t mean...
There’s no consistency!
They’re the worst vows I’ve ever heard!
I loved the vows.
It was such a nice ceremony.
Jung-hwan and Hyun-jin looked after me
when I was a broke student.
Your daughter is really beautiful.
This is Vanessa!
Ah, the famous Vanessa!
- Enjoy your evening.
- You too.
How old does
that guy look to you?
I don't know, he kind of look...
Oh, my God, about 14.
And you’ve got such a mysterious vibe
about you.
Like what do you do
when you’re not being hot at weddings?
Seeing friends.
Fortnite.
TikTok.
Oh, my God, yeah. Same, every night.
- Really?
- Yeah, Every night.
Oh, I know that look.
That look means Suji’s decided to
finally to cross her last remaining line
and bang a 14 year old.
One of you should intervene before
she ends up on some type of register.
Babe, you don’t have to take a photo
of everything here.
I want it on Pinterest
so I can show the caterers.
Stefan, can you tell Anil
he can’t just keep stealing things
- from our friends’ weddings.
- Okay.
- Whoa, no, Stefan, you can’t!
- Why not?
- You’re at someone else’s wedding.
It’s not your day.
It’s romantic! It’s like a relay race
of love.
It’s not. It’s a dick move.
Yeah, and you’re only proposing
because things aren’t going well
and you’re afraid she’s gonna break up
with you.
That is not true.
You literally texted me last week saying,
and I quote,
"I'm afraid Vanessa’s going to break up
with me.
Can I use foot cream on my hand."
Okay. Well, that's true.
But that’s probably because she’s not sure
how serious I am about her.
It’s definitely not.
Time will tell.
- I can’t decide if he’s stupid or brave.
- Stupid. He’s stupid.
Yeah.
Vanessa, I've been looking for you.
Look, I'm really sorry to bail early,
I’m just absolutely knackered.
I know we’ve not been going out
for very long
in the grand scheme of things,
but it’s been the best seven months
of my life.
Oh, 1.7 surge charge. Fuck’s sake.
Does anyone wanna split a fare?
I know that we have
our differences sometimes,
and things have been a bit weird lately.
I know you talked about
wanting a bit more space,
you see, I... I don’t think more space
is the answer.
Actually, I really do think more space...
What are you doing?
Oh, no.
- Should we stop him?
- Yeah, probably.
I think what we need...
is less space, more time.
No, Stefan, don’t. Don't...
Don’t do this here.
Don't do this anywhere.
- Vanessa.
- No, please, Stefan, stop.
Things have been weird recently. Yeah.
And you’re only gonna ask me this
because the relationship is dying.
You know that, deep down.
Vanessa Isabelle Henry...
And I’ve been trying to ignore it too...
But today, watching an actually
happy couple get married,
I've realized
that I cannot do this anymore.
Everyone here? Is everyone ready?
And that was before you tried to propose,
which is insane.
Will you marry me?
I’m sorry. I...
You want to get engaged
at my wedding so badly, Stefan?
I thought she was the one.
It's just, Anil and Leila
is getting married,
everybody is getting married.
I don’t wanna get left behind.
Dick!
Listen, Stefan, we have witnesses
that say that despite this...
Heartbreak.
You actually stayed at the wedding,
and you seemed to be having a good time.
Did you have any help with that?
I don't know what you mean.
Chestnut Blues, very nice,
nine out of ten.
Pop-Pops, these are the ones
that made me piss myself in Magaluf,
maybe not.
Grumble Grumbles,
had the best sex on these,
but also the worst.
A little bit of Stardust Sprinkle.
No, no, now I think about it,
that might be a bit much for you tonight,
and...
half of a Dave Benson Phillips,
A+, five stars, nominated
for eight Golden Globes,
highly-recommended.
Stefan, I appreciate you might not be
in the mood to stay,
or whatever, but you know
what cheers people up?
Drugs.
I have a lot of drugs.
- So you didn't do any drugs?
- No.
You’re absolutely sure about that?
Definitely. No, I don’t take drugs.
Why are you writing that down?
I just thought it was interesting.
Did you think it’s interesting, Donahue?
Oh, very fucking interesting.
Given what happened with the stabbing.
Stabbing?
The cake knife? I can explain--
Tell us about Katie McConnell.
Listen, how old does that guy look to you?
Oh, you know, Suji, there’s no rush.
You don’t have to settle for somebody
who isn’t right
because you're never ready to get married.
Fuck off, Stefan, you can talk.
You can’t poach their photographer!
We have a photographer.
My brother said he’d do it.
Yeah, he’s gonna do it with GoPros.
What’s wrong with that?
Oh, we’re not skydivers,
that’s what’s wrong!
I did a skydiving once! It's great.
Thanks.
Butterfingers.
Prob noblem.
No problem.
- I might say, my tongue stopped working.
- Oh, no.
Do you like wrestling?
What?
You got a wrestler on the cover
of your phone.
Oh, yes.
It’s an inside joke.
Have you seen a phone?
Someone took my phone.
- I’m so sorry.
- What are you doing?
You looked like you need a hug.
What I need is my phone.
Sorry, dude. I don't see a phone.
Look, it’s really important.
It has this plastic case
that my son got me,
with a wrestler on it or something.
We’ll let you know if we find it.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
- Bye.
- Can I buy you a drink?
- It’s an open bar.
- Oh, it's an open bar.
But I tell you what,
you can buy me one anyway.
Stef Inman...
I’m Stefan.
I'm Katie.
How’s your wedding going?
Oh, it wasn’t great.
And then it got better.
Chicken was dry.
Chicken? No, dude, never the chicken.
Repeat after me.
Vegetarian option.
Vegetarian option.
Yes.
Love is bullshit.
You don’t actually believe that.
I don't actually believe that.
I've known you for 30 seconds.
I know you don't believe that.
No. I mean, I wouldn’t say
it’s all that I think about,
but it’s definitely the thing
that gets me out of bed in the morning.
- Jesus Christ!
- Yeah.
- That's insane.
- Yeah, it is insane.
And that’s why I love weddings.
You love weddings?
So you’re aware that weddings
are mostly driven
by people wanting to show off
that they love each other
more than their friends love each other?
And it’s this fabrication that today
is gonna be the happiest day of my life.
It’s just the Wedding Industrial Complex.
Oh, you're not one of those
Wedding Industrial Complex people.
I am!
Oh, no!
I don’t think people should
just blindly participate.
- Oh, it's completely fair.
- You know?
Yeah. No, of course.
There’s truth in that.
But, like, I...
Isn't it like... Isn't it like complaining
about Christmas being commercialized.
Go on.
- Like, okay, I’m not a brave man...
- Okay.
- I'm not a brave man.
But I think there’s something brave
about getting up in front
of everyone you know,
knowing that there’s statistically
like a 50-50 chance of it
not working out,
standing there and saying,
"We are crazy about each other,
and we believe in each other."
I...
I wanna be the kind of person
that can take that leap.
And I think deep down
you're with me on this.
I don’t know about that.
Okay, if your mom wears a hat,
it makes no difference.
- But as for the wedding...
- Well, it doesn't...
But at least I’m having a better time
than they are.
Hey...
- Did you really take that guy’s phone?
- Maybe.
I wasn’t gonna take it home, I swear.
Just... sometimes at these things,
I like to amuse myself.
Like borrowing people's stuff.
Like when I took your watch.
No, you...
Oh, my God.
I didn't feel it. I can't believe
I have... What am I doing?
What is this?
Oh, my...
I know.
Then love knew it was called love.
And when I lifted my eyes to your name,
suddenly your heart showed me my way.
That’s Pablo Neruda.
And that’s a man who knows a thing
or two about falling in love.
I don't think--
You think I don't fucking know
Pablo Neruda?
Nope. Yeah. Yep.
I contain multitudes, lad.
Oh, my God. Okay, this is jam.
This is your jam?
Yeah!
Oh, that is so good.
- What?
- It's not that you don't have rhythm.
It's just that your rhythm
is not the rhythm of the song.
What the hell are you doing?
Jackson!
Jackson is doing the DJ-ing.
Who is DJ-ing right now?
Well, I needed a poo so I put Blue Monday.
And then in the toilets, I was chatted up
by this really nice young man.
No apps or anything!
Like, an IRL public convenience hook-up!
I mean, I feel like Alan Turing
or something, you know.
Anyway, long story short,
I just put it on shuffle, so.
- I need help. I need help.
- You always need help.
No, not you. You've done enough.
Suji, Katie. Katie, Suji.
- What have you done?
- Hi.
Okay. So you know Duncan. Duncan, right?
So I think he's a little bit younger
than what he says he is.
He says he's 25, right?
But I asked him what he does for a living
and he says he has a Saturday job
at the Shoe Zone.
- Power through! That's my advice.
- The old Prince Trinitor
began to find this goblin race
strangely attractive.
But now spending time amongst them...
This is a banger, what is this?
Oh, it's my ex's fan-fiction.
I need to go and sort this out.
The next...
- Look, I'm just catching up...
- Yeah, I...
So I just I feel like I've invested
most of the night in him,
and you only get to be
a fit bridesmaid a few times in your life.
But Stefan, and my shitting mom,
keep going off
on one about how I shouldn't rush
to get married,
- And, like, I should make a living first.
- I didn't say that. I never said that.
Okay, well, obviously,
he doesn't know what he's talking about.
Fuck, no, right? No.
I have a brilli--
I have a brilliant life already!
Sure you do. And just because
you wanna share it with someone
doesn't mean
that you're betraying the sisterhood.
Exactly!
Except, you know what, I really...
I really I like you.
- I like her.
- I like you too.
And that's why I'm gonna let you know
that that is a boy...
I mean, look at him.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You're right. I'm gonna go, like...
- You're welcome.
- I like your friends.
- Yeah.
Yeah, they are... They're basically, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Like, I grew up,
I was a foster kid, growing up, right?
And I moved around a lot,
so I never really had a family.
And I got to uni and I met this guy
and I just tried to hold on to them
because I just...
I mean, they drive me mad but I love them.
I mean, I really do. I just-- I love them.
And I am rambling. Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
I just have a lot of energy
from somewhere.
It's okay. You don't have to apologize.
So, have you-- Have you got friends here?
No.
But you know Yuna and Rory,
that's why you're at the wedding.
Not really.
Yuna is friends with my boyfriend.
Your boyfriend?
They used to date actually,
isn't that funny?
He was supposed to be here tonight
but then something came up.
Maybe you know him. Hugo Delaney?
For fuck's sake! Him, really?
Hugo Delaney?
He's a massive dickhead!
Okay. He was a dickhead
when him and Yuna were going out,
and he was a dickhead when they broke up,
and he's a dickhead now, I mean,
probably always going to be a dickhead.
Because people like him just flow
through life without any consequences,
riding fucking over people
like they're nothing, you know?
So were you in love with Katie McConnell?
You helped her steal a phone.
Not just anyone's phone.
Do you know whose phone that was, Stefan?
- No.
- And you stopped a wedding for her.
Where is she now, Stefan?
Where the fuck is she?
Are you actually gonna charge
my client with something?
With accessory to phone theft, maybe?
- Leila.
- No, I'm serious.
If this is all you've got,
then we'll see you in court.
Where it will be laughed out
I don't think they'd laugh out
a charge of grievous bodily harm.
No, okay. Look, it wasn't like that!
Is anyone here a doctor?
I think I need a doctor!
You're a doctor?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Call an ambulance.
Okay.
Oh, fuck.
All right, and I need a straw,
and a knife and some vodka.
Okay.
Ah, fuck. Okay.
Katie, look at me.
Something extreme is about to happen
and I'm gonna need your help, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
When I say, blow into the straw,.
Okay.
- Now.
Again.
Again, again, again.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Okay.
Okay.
Hey.
I was wondering if, after earlier,
if you wanted to swap numbers?
Yeah, of course!
I think I am just gonna
go over there first.
Oh, by the way, my brother texted
and said he can borrow a drone.
No, absolutely not.
- Why...
- No!
- What's wrong with drone?
Bye!
I am so glad you're single.
Fuck the patriarchy.
Oh, my God, Mom,
you are so embarrassing. I can't...
You know, that was pretty impressive,
what you did.
You did pretty well yourself.
The straw thing is disgusting.
That was very disgusting.
Listen.
I'm sorry about earlier.
I've been a bit of a mess tonight.
Probably a good time to mention that I...
I had my heart broken earlier.
Yeah, I tried to propose to my girlfriend,
and she got in a taxi and left.
- That was you?
- Yeah.
Hey, I heard about that.
Oh, God.
I hate to be the one to break it to you,
but I think you're going viral.
Wow, I wanna die.
Hey, come here.
I wanna show you something.
Wait, what about your boyfriend?
Hugo isn't my boyfriend.
He's my fiancé.
Fuck's sake.
I mean, that's just typical of you,
isn't it, Stefan?
Single for five bloody minutes
and you're already having
grubby toilet sex
with someone engaged to be married.
That really isn't typical...
Look, unless there's anywhere else
you wanna go on this fishing expedition,
I think we're done here.
It was an emergency tracheotomy, not GBH,
clearly, my client doesn't know
anything useful,
he's answered all your questions.
- Not honestly, he hasn't.
- Sorry?
We have your friend Jackson in custody.
He says he did supply you
with a number
of controlled substances that evening.
You performed a medical procedure
while not only drunk,
but also having consumed illegal drugs.
You were absolutely off your tits,
weren't you, son?
Addled. Cabbaged. Boiled as a fucking owl.
Three sheets to the wind,
and four to the floor.
That woman can't be pressing charges.
My client saved her life.
You're right.
But we're sure the that General Medical
Council would be very interested
to learn about all of this.
You'd lose your medical license,
I imagine.
Oops.
What is it that you actually want?
Clearly Stefan isn't the the target
of your inquiries.
Stefan tried to crash
Katie McConnell's wedding.
A few hours later, at the reception,
eight guests were poisoned.
Like, what, food poisoning?
Like dead poisoning.
What?
Stefan, it's very important
that you don't say anything.
- Me and my client need to...
- Wait...
They're dead?
Have you not heard the news, son?
Eight of them.
- Eight?
- All members of the Delaney family.
- Your Katie's new in-laws.
- And her new husband.
So you told us you called her,
what was it, Metts?
- A dickhead.
- Yeah, a massive fucking dickhead.
Katie McConnell did a runner as soon
as her new family dropped dead.
And she hasn't been heard of since.
But she did manage to empty
her new joint account with Hugo Delaney.
R.I.P.
Now, Stefan, son, you're walking
a very thin fucking line here.
You're a doctor, for now.
You probably know a lot about
the human body and how to poison it.
You really think I did this?
You disrupted that wedding once already.
You and Katie had been seen
multiple times together
over the past three months.
This is you in Cornwall a few weeks
after Yuna's wedding.
You both entered the United States
a few weeks after that.
- I don't know, I...
- I think you're in way over your head
and I think you know something.
Now you can tell us
or we can talk to the GMC.
Look, I didn't poison anyone, I...
I feel sick.
If you can't do the time, son.
No, it's the stress,
I mean, like I'm gonna...
Fuck's sake.
If we let you go to the bathroom,
you'll help us after, Stefan?
That color is not natural.
You need to change your diet, Stefan, son.
Oh, shit.
I've got to make a phone call.
These bloody lawyers.
All right. Don't you move an inch.
You, keep a fucking eye on him.
Yeah, sway over here, please.
What the fuck was that?
Come with me.
Down here.
Hi.
What are you doing?
Everyone here is looking for you.
Listen, Stefan, you have to come with me.
What, so you can poison me?
Yeah, no. Forget it.
I don't know
what they've been telling you.
They told me you're 10
different kinds of criminal!
And none of that is true.
Okay, go.
- Katie, stop, stop, stop, stop!
- What are you doing?
There's like 200 cops downstairs.
That's a fair point.
Let's go up.
What's upstairs?
Okay. I'm parked in there.
Okay.
Absolutely not.
No!
It's just a little hop.
No, no, no!
What?
- Oh, my God! Are you okay?
Come on! We don't have forever.
They're gonna be on us before you know it.
I can't.
Yeah, you can! Jump.
I can't! I mean, like,
they have arrested me,
they've arrested Jackson,
they're gonna take
my medical license away.
They're saying you're a mass murderer!
I saw a board in there
that looks like the fucking Wire!
Stefan, please.
Whatever's happened before,
this is what's real.
I am real.
We can be real. You know that.
Take the leap.
Come with me.
Fuck.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, fuck!
Katie, what the fuck did you do?
I'm so glad you're here.
to witness the marriage
of Hugo Delaney and Katie McConnell.
I object!
Katie, please don't do this.
I love you.
I know I don't understand
everything about you,
or why you do some of the things
that you do.
But I want to understand.
I want to know every secret you have.
Learn every thought that you have. I...
I want to spend the rest of my life
next to you,
taking what the world throws at us, together.
And I can’t let you
throw your life away like this.
Katie...
Come away with me.
Stefan?
You fucking asshole.
What are you doing?
You stupid, stupid boy.
Go on, look around you.
It’s my wedding day.
What did you think?
That I would just run off with you?
You know I've tried,
but I don’t know how to get this
through your thick head!
Let me try again.
I don't want you
in my life!
I just don't understand. I just...
I thought it was real.
I thought she really loved me.
Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.
But it could be worse.
How? How could it be worse?
- Stefan. Hi.
- Hi.
Tell us about your weekend.
Do I plead The Fifth? There's...
No. That’s not a thing here,
just answer their questions.
You were at the wedding of Katie McConnell
and Hugo Delaney, correct?
Make quite the impressions, don't you?
I imagine that wasn’t
how you thought it’d go in your head?
- No.
- Or maybe it was.
Maybe that’s exactly
what was meant to happen.
Maybe you’re part of it all.
Part of what?
Oh, I don't know.
Let me see.
Theft.
Assault with a deadly weapon.
Mass poisoning.
What? Sorry, what are you talking about?
An assault?
A poisoning? Okay. I would never...
Wait, what are you talking about?
- What are you talking about?
- All right. Let's calm down.
Look, Stefan, Katie McConnell
hasn’t been seen since last night.
Her wedding night.
- Do you know where she is?
- She’s missing?
Is she all right?
Let’s go back to the beginning.
How long have you known Katie McConnell?
It was the start of the summer.
At another wedding.
Oh, another bloody wedding, was it?
Yeah, Well, we've had loads this summer.
It’s the wedding season.
Oh, wedding season, is it, Mr. Popular?
Well, I’ve been to three weddings
in my life,
and two of them were my own.
All right. This was Saturday,
May 9th, Stefan?
It's the wedding of Rory Campbell
and Yuna Seok.
Three months before Katie’s wedding,
you were both there.
Yeah, we're friends.
Who else were you there with?
I don’t know. Lots of people.
Best friends,
my girlfriend, Vanessa.
The gang.
- Yes, thank you.
- Go ahead...
You have to line the stomach.
We’re not eating until like 6:30.
Also I’m hungover af.
You were out the night
before your sister’s wedding?
That’s bold.
Okay. Don’t you start, all right?
My sister nearly unbridesmaided me.
I had to, though, didn’t I? I had a date.
Uh-oh. On a scale of one to ten,
how already-married was this one?
Zero, okay? Not at all married.
But turns out he did have
a girlfriend though.
You shagged him anyway, though,
didn’t you?
Yeah.
Don’t celebr-- Don't celebrate,
that's really not cool.
Anil, just because you and Leila
have decided to imprison yourself
in this cage of monogamy,
it doesn’t mean that the rest of us
have to, okay? Thank you.
I would be happy
to be in the monogamy cage, tbh.
I'm just saying great relationships
can come from unexpected places.
Why rule someone out
just because they’re seeing someone.
You know, or like
"not in the right place right now."
Or "in a traveling circus."
That’s not a real example, is it?
Well, you'll be bringing him
to our wedding?
Our wedding is at the end of July, Anil.
It’s just useful to know.
It makes no difference.
She could bring a blow-up doll
and it literally wouldn't matter.
Okay. I can confirm
it will be an actual person.
It matters for the table plan!
It’s three months away
you’re actually demented.
I'm not. What...
I wish I loved anything
as much as your friends love arguing.
Not even me?
I do love a registry office do.
In and out, 30 minutes. Perfect.
Yeah, but the trade-off is they’ve
probably written their own vows.
What’s wrong with that?
You are the umbrella of my rain.
And you are the Saturday to my Sunday.
You are the pork to my chop.
Sit down.
These don’t even make sense.
There’s an art to writing these.
Just because it’s not how you would do it,
it doesn’t mean...
There’s no consistency!
They’re the worst vows I’ve ever heard!
I loved the vows.
It was such a nice ceremony.
Jung-hwan and Hyun-jin looked after me
when I was a broke student.
Your daughter is really beautiful.
This is Vanessa!
Ah, the famous Vanessa!
- Enjoy your evening.
- You too.
How old does
that guy look to you?
I don't know, he kind of look...
Oh, my God, about 14.
And you’ve got such a mysterious vibe
about you.
Like what do you do
when you’re not being hot at weddings?
Seeing friends.
Fortnite.
TikTok.
Oh, my God, yeah. Same, every night.
- Really?
- Yeah, Every night.
Oh, I know that look.
That look means Suji’s decided to
finally to cross her last remaining line
and bang a 14 year old.
One of you should intervene before
she ends up on some type of register.
Babe, you don’t have to take a photo
of everything here.
I want it on Pinterest
so I can show the caterers.
Stefan, can you tell Anil
he can’t just keep stealing things
- from our friends’ weddings.
- Okay.
- Whoa, no, Stefan, you can’t!
- Why not?
- You’re at someone else’s wedding.
It’s not your day.
It’s romantic! It’s like a relay race
of love.
It’s not. It’s a dick move.
Yeah, and you’re only proposing
because things aren’t going well
and you’re afraid she’s gonna break up
with you.
That is not true.
You literally texted me last week saying,
and I quote,
"I'm afraid Vanessa’s going to break up
with me.
Can I use foot cream on my hand."
Okay. Well, that's true.
But that’s probably because she’s not sure
how serious I am about her.
It’s definitely not.
Time will tell.
- I can’t decide if he’s stupid or brave.
- Stupid. He’s stupid.
Yeah.
Vanessa, I've been looking for you.
Look, I'm really sorry to bail early,
I’m just absolutely knackered.
I know we’ve not been going out
for very long
in the grand scheme of things,
but it’s been the best seven months
of my life.
Oh, 1.7 surge charge. Fuck’s sake.
Does anyone wanna split a fare?
I know that we have
our differences sometimes,
and things have been a bit weird lately.
I know you talked about
wanting a bit more space,
you see, I... I don’t think more space
is the answer.
Actually, I really do think more space...
What are you doing?
Oh, no.
- Should we stop him?
- Yeah, probably.
I think what we need...
is less space, more time.
No, Stefan, don’t. Don't...
Don’t do this here.
Don't do this anywhere.
- Vanessa.
- No, please, Stefan, stop.
Things have been weird recently. Yeah.
And you’re only gonna ask me this
because the relationship is dying.
You know that, deep down.
Vanessa Isabelle Henry...
And I’ve been trying to ignore it too...
But today, watching an actually
happy couple get married,
I've realized
that I cannot do this anymore.
Everyone here? Is everyone ready?
And that was before you tried to propose,
which is insane.
Will you marry me?
I’m sorry. I...
You want to get engaged
at my wedding so badly, Stefan?
I thought she was the one.
It's just, Anil and Leila
is getting married,
everybody is getting married.
I don’t wanna get left behind.
Dick!
Listen, Stefan, we have witnesses
that say that despite this...
Heartbreak.
You actually stayed at the wedding,
and you seemed to be having a good time.
Did you have any help with that?
I don't know what you mean.
Chestnut Blues, very nice,
nine out of ten.
Pop-Pops, these are the ones
that made me piss myself in Magaluf,
maybe not.
Grumble Grumbles,
had the best sex on these,
but also the worst.
A little bit of Stardust Sprinkle.
No, no, now I think about it,
that might be a bit much for you tonight,
and...
half of a Dave Benson Phillips,
A+, five stars, nominated
for eight Golden Globes,
highly-recommended.
Stefan, I appreciate you might not be
in the mood to stay,
or whatever, but you know
what cheers people up?
Drugs.
I have a lot of drugs.
- So you didn't do any drugs?
- No.
You’re absolutely sure about that?
Definitely. No, I don’t take drugs.
Why are you writing that down?
I just thought it was interesting.
Did you think it’s interesting, Donahue?
Oh, very fucking interesting.
Given what happened with the stabbing.
Stabbing?
The cake knife? I can explain--
Tell us about Katie McConnell.
Listen, how old does that guy look to you?
Oh, you know, Suji, there’s no rush.
You don’t have to settle for somebody
who isn’t right
because you're never ready to get married.
Fuck off, Stefan, you can talk.
You can’t poach their photographer!
We have a photographer.
My brother said he’d do it.
Yeah, he’s gonna do it with GoPros.
What’s wrong with that?
Oh, we’re not skydivers,
that’s what’s wrong!
I did a skydiving once! It's great.
Thanks.
Butterfingers.
Prob noblem.
No problem.
- I might say, my tongue stopped working.
- Oh, no.
Do you like wrestling?
What?
You got a wrestler on the cover
of your phone.
Oh, yes.
It’s an inside joke.
Have you seen a phone?
Someone took my phone.
- I’m so sorry.
- What are you doing?
You looked like you need a hug.
What I need is my phone.
Sorry, dude. I don't see a phone.
Look, it’s really important.
It has this plastic case
that my son got me,
with a wrestler on it or something.
We’ll let you know if we find it.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
- Bye.
- Can I buy you a drink?
- It’s an open bar.
- Oh, it's an open bar.
But I tell you what,
you can buy me one anyway.
Stef Inman...
I’m Stefan.
I'm Katie.
How’s your wedding going?
Oh, it wasn’t great.
And then it got better.
Chicken was dry.
Chicken? No, dude, never the chicken.
Repeat after me.
Vegetarian option.
Vegetarian option.
Yes.
Love is bullshit.
You don’t actually believe that.
I don't actually believe that.
I've known you for 30 seconds.
I know you don't believe that.
No. I mean, I wouldn’t say
it’s all that I think about,
but it’s definitely the thing
that gets me out of bed in the morning.
- Jesus Christ!
- Yeah.
- That's insane.
- Yeah, it is insane.
And that’s why I love weddings.
You love weddings?
So you’re aware that weddings
are mostly driven
by people wanting to show off
that they love each other
more than their friends love each other?
And it’s this fabrication that today
is gonna be the happiest day of my life.
It’s just the Wedding Industrial Complex.
Oh, you're not one of those
Wedding Industrial Complex people.
I am!
Oh, no!
I don’t think people should
just blindly participate.
- Oh, it's completely fair.
- You know?
Yeah. No, of course.
There’s truth in that.
But, like, I...
Isn't it like... Isn't it like complaining
about Christmas being commercialized.
Go on.
- Like, okay, I’m not a brave man...
- Okay.
- I'm not a brave man.
But I think there’s something brave
about getting up in front
of everyone you know,
knowing that there’s statistically
like a 50-50 chance of it
not working out,
standing there and saying,
"We are crazy about each other,
and we believe in each other."
I...
I wanna be the kind of person
that can take that leap.
And I think deep down
you're with me on this.
I don’t know about that.
Okay, if your mom wears a hat,
it makes no difference.
- But as for the wedding...
- Well, it doesn't...
But at least I’m having a better time
than they are.
Hey...
- Did you really take that guy’s phone?
- Maybe.
I wasn’t gonna take it home, I swear.
Just... sometimes at these things,
I like to amuse myself.
Like borrowing people's stuff.
Like when I took your watch.
No, you...
Oh, my God.
I didn't feel it. I can't believe
I have... What am I doing?
What is this?
Oh, my...
I know.
Then love knew it was called love.
And when I lifted my eyes to your name,
suddenly your heart showed me my way.
That’s Pablo Neruda.
And that’s a man who knows a thing
or two about falling in love.
I don't think--
You think I don't fucking know
Pablo Neruda?
Nope. Yeah. Yep.
I contain multitudes, lad.
Oh, my God. Okay, this is jam.
This is your jam?
Yeah!
Oh, that is so good.
- What?
- It's not that you don't have rhythm.
It's just that your rhythm
is not the rhythm of the song.
What the hell are you doing?
Jackson!
Jackson is doing the DJ-ing.
Who is DJ-ing right now?
Well, I needed a poo so I put Blue Monday.
And then in the toilets, I was chatted up
by this really nice young man.
No apps or anything!
Like, an IRL public convenience hook-up!
I mean, I feel like Alan Turing
or something, you know.
Anyway, long story short,
I just put it on shuffle, so.
- I need help. I need help.
- You always need help.
No, not you. You've done enough.
Suji, Katie. Katie, Suji.
- What have you done?
- Hi.
Okay. So you know Duncan. Duncan, right?
So I think he's a little bit younger
than what he says he is.
He says he's 25, right?
But I asked him what he does for a living
and he says he has a Saturday job
at the Shoe Zone.
- Power through! That's my advice.
- The old Prince Trinitor
began to find this goblin race
strangely attractive.
But now spending time amongst them...
This is a banger, what is this?
Oh, it's my ex's fan-fiction.
I need to go and sort this out.
The next...
- Look, I'm just catching up...
- Yeah, I...
So I just I feel like I've invested
most of the night in him,
and you only get to be
a fit bridesmaid a few times in your life.
But Stefan, and my shitting mom,
keep going off
on one about how I shouldn't rush
to get married,
- And, like, I should make a living first.
- I didn't say that. I never said that.
Okay, well, obviously,
he doesn't know what he's talking about.
Fuck, no, right? No.
I have a brilli--
I have a brilliant life already!
Sure you do. And just because
you wanna share it with someone
doesn't mean
that you're betraying the sisterhood.
Exactly!
Except, you know what, I really...
I really I like you.
- I like her.
- I like you too.
And that's why I'm gonna let you know
that that is a boy...
I mean, look at him.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You're right. I'm gonna go, like...
- You're welcome.
- I like your friends.
- Yeah.
Yeah, they are... They're basically, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Like, I grew up,
I was a foster kid, growing up, right?
And I moved around a lot,
so I never really had a family.
And I got to uni and I met this guy
and I just tried to hold on to them
because I just...
I mean, they drive me mad but I love them.
I mean, I really do. I just-- I love them.
And I am rambling. Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
I just have a lot of energy
from somewhere.
It's okay. You don't have to apologize.
So, have you-- Have you got friends here?
No.
But you know Yuna and Rory,
that's why you're at the wedding.
Not really.
Yuna is friends with my boyfriend.
Your boyfriend?
They used to date actually,
isn't that funny?
He was supposed to be here tonight
but then something came up.
Maybe you know him. Hugo Delaney?
For fuck's sake! Him, really?
Hugo Delaney?
He's a massive dickhead!
Okay. He was a dickhead
when him and Yuna were going out,
and he was a dickhead when they broke up,
and he's a dickhead now, I mean,
probably always going to be a dickhead.
Because people like him just flow
through life without any consequences,
riding fucking over people
like they're nothing, you know?
So were you in love with Katie McConnell?
You helped her steal a phone.
Not just anyone's phone.
Do you know whose phone that was, Stefan?
- No.
- And you stopped a wedding for her.
Where is she now, Stefan?
Where the fuck is she?
Are you actually gonna charge
my client with something?
With accessory to phone theft, maybe?
- Leila.
- No, I'm serious.
If this is all you've got,
then we'll see you in court.
Where it will be laughed out
I don't think they'd laugh out
a charge of grievous bodily harm.
No, okay. Look, it wasn't like that!
Is anyone here a doctor?
I think I need a doctor!
You're a doctor?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Call an ambulance.
Okay.
Oh, fuck.
All right, and I need a straw,
and a knife and some vodka.
Okay.
Ah, fuck. Okay.
Katie, look at me.
Something extreme is about to happen
and I'm gonna need your help, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
When I say, blow into the straw,.
Okay.
- Now.
Again.
Again, again, again.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Okay.
Okay.
Hey.
I was wondering if, after earlier,
if you wanted to swap numbers?
Yeah, of course!
I think I am just gonna
go over there first.
Oh, by the way, my brother texted
and said he can borrow a drone.
No, absolutely not.
- Why...
- No!
- What's wrong with drone?
Bye!
I am so glad you're single.
Fuck the patriarchy.
Oh, my God, Mom,
you are so embarrassing. I can't...
You know, that was pretty impressive,
what you did.
You did pretty well yourself.
The straw thing is disgusting.
That was very disgusting.
Listen.
I'm sorry about earlier.
I've been a bit of a mess tonight.
Probably a good time to mention that I...
I had my heart broken earlier.
Yeah, I tried to propose to my girlfriend,
and she got in a taxi and left.
- That was you?
- Yeah.
Hey, I heard about that.
Oh, God.
I hate to be the one to break it to you,
but I think you're going viral.
Wow, I wanna die.
Hey, come here.
I wanna show you something.
Wait, what about your boyfriend?
Hugo isn't my boyfriend.
He's my fiancé.
Fuck's sake.
I mean, that's just typical of you,
isn't it, Stefan?
Single for five bloody minutes
and you're already having
grubby toilet sex
with someone engaged to be married.
That really isn't typical...
Look, unless there's anywhere else
you wanna go on this fishing expedition,
I think we're done here.
It was an emergency tracheotomy, not GBH,
clearly, my client doesn't know
anything useful,
he's answered all your questions.
- Not honestly, he hasn't.
- Sorry?
We have your friend Jackson in custody.
He says he did supply you
with a number
of controlled substances that evening.
You performed a medical procedure
while not only drunk,
but also having consumed illegal drugs.
You were absolutely off your tits,
weren't you, son?
Addled. Cabbaged. Boiled as a fucking owl.
Three sheets to the wind,
and four to the floor.
That woman can't be pressing charges.
My client saved her life.
You're right.
But we're sure the that General Medical
Council would be very interested
to learn about all of this.
You'd lose your medical license,
I imagine.
Oops.
What is it that you actually want?
Clearly Stefan isn't the the target
of your inquiries.
Stefan tried to crash
Katie McConnell's wedding.
A few hours later, at the reception,
eight guests were poisoned.
Like, what, food poisoning?
Like dead poisoning.
What?
Stefan, it's very important
that you don't say anything.
- Me and my client need to...
- Wait...
They're dead?
Have you not heard the news, son?
Eight of them.
- Eight?
- All members of the Delaney family.
- Your Katie's new in-laws.
- And her new husband.
So you told us you called her,
what was it, Metts?
- A dickhead.
- Yeah, a massive fucking dickhead.
Katie McConnell did a runner as soon
as her new family dropped dead.
And she hasn't been heard of since.
But she did manage to empty
her new joint account with Hugo Delaney.
R.I.P.
Now, Stefan, son, you're walking
a very thin fucking line here.
You're a doctor, for now.
You probably know a lot about
the human body and how to poison it.
You really think I did this?
You disrupted that wedding once already.
You and Katie had been seen
multiple times together
over the past three months.
This is you in Cornwall a few weeks
after Yuna's wedding.
You both entered the United States
a few weeks after that.
- I don't know, I...
- I think you're in way over your head
and I think you know something.
Now you can tell us
or we can talk to the GMC.
Look, I didn't poison anyone, I...
I feel sick.
If you can't do the time, son.
No, it's the stress,
I mean, like I'm gonna...
Fuck's sake.
If we let you go to the bathroom,
you'll help us after, Stefan?
That color is not natural.
You need to change your diet, Stefan, son.
Oh, shit.
I've got to make a phone call.
These bloody lawyers.
All right. Don't you move an inch.
You, keep a fucking eye on him.
Yeah, sway over here, please.
What the fuck was that?
Come with me.
Down here.
Hi.
What are you doing?
Everyone here is looking for you.
Listen, Stefan, you have to come with me.
What, so you can poison me?
Yeah, no. Forget it.
I don't know
what they've been telling you.
They told me you're 10
different kinds of criminal!
And none of that is true.
Okay, go.
- Katie, stop, stop, stop, stop!
- What are you doing?
There's like 200 cops downstairs.
That's a fair point.
Let's go up.
What's upstairs?
Okay. I'm parked in there.
Okay.
Absolutely not.
No!
It's just a little hop.
No, no, no!
What?
- Oh, my God! Are you okay?
Come on! We don't have forever.
They're gonna be on us before you know it.
I can't.
Yeah, you can! Jump.
I can't! I mean, like,
they have arrested me,
they've arrested Jackson,
they're gonna take
my medical license away.
They're saying you're a mass murderer!
I saw a board in there
that looks like the fucking Wire!
Stefan, please.
Whatever's happened before,
this is what's real.
I am real.
We can be real. You know that.
Take the leap.
Come with me.
Fuck.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, fuck!
Katie, what the fuck did you do?
I'm so glad you're here.