WKRP in Cincinnati (1978–1982): Season 2, Episode 12 - Sparky - full transcript

AND FINALLY, IN SPORTS,

THE BALTIMORE CITY
COUNCIL ANNOUNCED TODAY

IT WILL BE MOVING
TO ANAHEIM BY 1985.

AND THAT'S SPORTS, UP TO
THE MINUTE, WITH LES NESSMAN.

NEXT NEWS AT 10:00. UNTIL
THEN, YOU'RE TUNED TO...

THE DOCTOR, AND I'VE
GOT A MASSIVE DOSE

OF ROCK AND ROLL COMING
UP FOR YOU, BABIES, BUT FIRST,

I WANT TO TELL YOU
THERE ARE LOTS...

AND I DO MEAN LOTS...
OF FREE TICKETS

STILL AVAILABLE FOR THE BIG...

JERRY VALE-GARY
"U.S." BONDS CONCERT.



THAT'S COMING UP THIS WEEKEND

AT THE WINIMIMUNG MEMORIAL MALL.

SO YOU DON'T WANT TO
MISS THAT ONE, BABIES.

- YOU'D BETTER GET READY.
- Jerry Lee Lewis:
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

- ('50s rock plays) - GO! IT'S
9:05. KRP IS ROCKING YOU

IN CINCINNATI WITH THE
KILLER, JERRY LEE LEWIS!

LESTER, CAN I TALK
TO YOU A SECOND?

SURE, ANDY. WHAT
CAN I DO FOR YOU?

UH, JOHNNY, YOU MIND IF I
TALK TO LES ALONE A MINUTE?

NOT AT ALL. SOMEONE SHOULD.

LES, CAN I BE HONEST WITH YOU?

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE TO, TRAVIS.

DOES THIS HAVE SOMETHING
TO DO WITH MY RAISE?

NO, NO, NO, LES. NOT QUITE.



- HEY, SEE, YOU'RE A BUSY GUY.
- YES, I AM.

YOU GOT THE NEWS, YOU GOT THE
SPORTS, YOU GOT THE WEATHER,

YOU'VE GOT THE TRAFFIC, YOU'VE GOT
YOUR AWARD-WINNING FARM REPORTS,

YOU'VE BEEN VERY GOOD ABOUT
LETTING BAILEY HELP YOU WITH THE NEWS.

AND DON'T FORGET MR. CARLSON'S
IDEA FOR A NEW SPORTS INTERVIEW SHOW.

LES, I KIND OF WISH YOU WOULD.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THE THING IS, LES,
MR. CARLSON'S GONE

AND HIRED SOMEBODY
ELSE FOR THAT JOB.

LOOK, I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT IT
MYSELF JUST A FEW MINUTES AGO.

- WHO?
- DOES THE NAME "SPARKY"
MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

DOES IT? BLACK-AND-WHITE COLLIE

WHO RAN AWAY FROM
HOME AND BROKE MY HEART.

SPARKY, UH, ANDERSON?

I'M SORRY, LES.

HOW CAN HE DO THAT, TRAVIS?

HE'S THE MANAGER OF
THE CINCINNATI RED LEGS.

HE WAS FIRED LAST
SEASON, LESTER.

HE WAS? OH, YEAH.
I REMEMBER THAT.

YEAH, HE'S THE MANAGER
OF THE DETROIT TIGERS NOW.

HE IS?

OH, YEAH. I REMEMBER THAT TOO.

- YEAH?
- WHY, SURE. SHOULDN'T HE BE IN DETROIT?

- BASEBALL SEASON'S OVER, LES.
- WELL, I KNEW THAT, TRAVIS.

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

THIS IS A VERY BIG DEAL FOR CARLSON.
HE WANTS TO SYNDICATE THE SHOW.

HE'S TALKING COAST TO COAST
HERE. HE WANTS A CELEBRITY.

THAT'S NOT TO SAY THAT
YOU'RE NOT A CELEBRITY, LES.

HE WANTS A NATIONAL HERO.
NOW, YOU UNDERSTAND, DON'T YOU?

NO, I DON'T.

WELL, YOU KNOW...

YOU KNOW, LES.

I KIND OF HOPED YOU'D
UNDERSTAND ABOUT THIS, LESTER.

Y-YOU KNOW?

I THINK I UNDERSTAND
PERFECTLY, TRAVIS.

I'M SURE THAT SPARKY
WILL BE A GREAT ASSET

TO THE STATION.

DO YOU THINK HE MEANS THAT?

NO.

I HATE LOOKING LIKE A BAD GUY.

HEY, YOU NEVER LOOK BAD.

I KNOW. LATER.

♪ BABY, IF YOU'VE
EVER WONDERED ♪

♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪

♪ I'M LIVIN' ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪

♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪

♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKIN' AND UNPACKIN' ♪

♪ TOWN TO TOWN, UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪

♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪

♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪

♪ I'M AT WKRP IN CINCINNATI ♪

HI. EXCUSE ME. I'M LOOKING
FOR ARTHUR CARLSON.

EXCUSE ME?

HELLO?

HELLO!

HE CAN'T HEAR YOU.
HIS DOOR IS SHUT.

THAT'S LES NESSMAN,
AND I'M JENNIFER MARLOWE.

- SPARKY ANDERSON.
- I KNOW.

I JUST ADORE YOU.

I WENT TO EVERY REDS
HOME GAME UNTIL YOU LEFT.

BOX 110, ROW 6-C.

THAT'S MY SEAT. HOW AMAZING.

I ALMOST BROKE MY
NECK TRYING TO SEE YOU.

HEY, SPARKY, YOU GOT HERE.

HEY. IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HELLO, ARTHUR. GREAT
TO BE BACK IN CINCINNATI.

LISTEN, ON BEHALF OF WKRP,

LET ME WELCOME YOU BACK TO CINCINNATI
AND TELL YOU WHAT AN HONOR IT IS

TO HAVE YOU IN THIS... OH, BOY.

- OOH, IS THIS YOUR
CHAMPIONSHIP RING?
- IT'S ONE OF 'EM.

(Carlson whistles)
DID YOU SEE THIS...

OH, LET ME INTRODUCE
YOU TO UH... UH...

- ANDY TRAVIS.
- YEAH. OUR PROGRAM DIRECTOR.

- PLEASURE TO MEET YOU, SPARKY.
- HI, ANDY.

- HI, SPARKY. I'M BAILEY.
- HI, SPARKY. I'M JOHNNY.

BUZZY, BINKY AND CUBBY
WILL BE ALONG IN A MOMENT.

HAVE YOU MET LES, OUR NEWS, SPORTS,
TRAFFIC, WEATHER, AND HOG REPORT MAN?

WELL, WHEN I YELLED AT HIM, HE
DIDN'T HEAR ME. HIS DOOR WAS SHUT.

OH. WHERE'S HERB?

- HE CALLED.
- WHAT DID HE WANT?

OH, IT'S JUST TOO EMBARRASSING.
I'D RATHER NOT SAY.

THAT'S HERB TARLEK,
OUR SALES MANAGER.

HE'S BRINGING OVER THE
SPONSOR TO YOUR SHOW.

HERB'S A JACKASS.

SPARKY, WE'RE ABOUT
SET UP FOR YOUR SHOW.

IF YOU'LL FOLLOW ME, WE
HAVE SOME DETAILS TO DISCUSS.

- FINE. YOUR OFFICE OR MINE?
- WELL, UNTIL WE GET YOU
YOUR OFFICE,

I WAS GONNA SAY THAT
MY OFFICE IS YOUR OFFICE.

- I APPRECIATE THAT, ANDY.
- YEAH, SO DO I, TRAVIS,

BUT I WANT SPARKY
TO HAVE MY OFFICE.

HELL, ART, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO DO THAT.

LISTEN, SPARKY, THIS IS MY TEAM.
I CALL THE SHOTS HERE, OKAY?

SPARKY, MR. CARLSON'S
BEEN TELLING ME YOU'VE

ALWAYS WANTED TO DO
A RADIO SHOW LIKE THIS.

NOT REALLY.

YEAH, BUT YOU'VE HAD A LOT OF
EXPERIENCE IN BROADCASTING.

NOT REALLY, BUT ART SAYS YOU DON'T HAVE
TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS BUSINESS.

NO, NO, NOT REALLY.

LET'S GO INTO MY OFFICE
AND GET SOME WORK DONE.

HEY, WHERE IS IT?

JENNIFER, THIS IS THE
BIGGEST DECISION OF MY LIFE.

I MEAN, THIS THING COULD GO
NATIONAL. NO MORE SMALL-TIME HERE.

I THINK SPARKY IS CUTE.

YOU'RE DARN RIGHT HE'S CUTE.

HE GOT A RAW DEAL IN THIS TOWN. DO
YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S DONE FOR CINCINNATI?

HE'S GIVEN THEM TWO WORLD SERIES,
FOUR PENNANTS AND SIX DIVISIONS.

- FIVE DIVISIONS.
- WELL, OKAY, FIVE DIVISIONS.

BUT THAT MAN IS STILL THE
BEST MANAGER IN BASEBALL.

AND YOU ARE THE
BEST MANAGER IN RADIO.

SPARKY GOT THE AX.

OH, THOSE FOOLS!

BUT I PERSONALLY, AS A
MEMBER OF THIS COMMUNITY,

AM GONNA DO EVERYTHING
I CAN TO MAKE IT UP TO HIM.

- WHAT ABOUT MAMA?
- DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT MAMA.

ONCE AND FOR ALL, SHE'S GONNA FIND
OUT THAT I'M RUNNING THINGS DOWN HERE.

OKEYDOKEY, IF YOU THINK SO.

I MAY BE STUPID,
BUT I AM NO AMATEUR.

CAL! IT'S GREAT TO SEE
YOU. WELCOME BACK.

THANK YOU, ARTHUR.
NOW, I HAVE TO TELL YOU,

HELEN AND I JUST GOT
BACK FROM LAS VEGAS,

AND WE SAW ALL THE SHOWS.

- THAT NORM CROSBY
SURE IS FUNNY, ISN'T HE?
- NORMAN...

- HEY, AND BUDDY HACKETT?
- BUD.

- HE CAME OUT AND TALKED
JUST FILTHY FOR A WHOLE HOUR.
- PURE DIRT.

- ONE BATHROOM JOKE
AFTER ANOTHER.
- TOILET TIME.

IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

ARTHUR, WE AT SUN LUCK'S
ARE VERY ENTHUSIASTIC

ABOUT SPONSORING THE
SPARKY ANDERSON SHOW.

I THINK WE'RE SITTING
ON A GOLD MINE HERE, CAL.

- CONFIDENCE IS THE MAIN THING.
- SPARKY ANDERSON.

IT'S SPARKY... THAT-THAT
IS... IT'S SPARK...

DO YOU KNOW... SPARKY. SPARKY.

OH, GOD, IT'S SPARKY.

I KNOW WHO YOU
ARE, BUT I'LL BET...

I'LL JUST BET YOU
DON'T KNOW WHO I AM.

I'LL BET YOU'RE HERB TARLEK.
JOHNNY MENTIONED YOU.

UH, SPARKY, I'D LIKE
FOR YOU TO MEET...

I'D LIKE FOR YOU TO
MEET CALVIN OWENS.

HE'S THE SP-SPONSOR
OF YOUR SHOW.

OLD SPARKY, HUH?

SPARKY,

ON BEHALF OF THE 7,000 EMPLOYEES
OF SUN LUCK'S PETROLEUM,

I WOULD LIKE TO PRESENT
YOU WITH A QUART

OF OUR PREMIUM-QUALITY OIL

AS A SPECIAL TOKEN
OF OUR ESTEEM TO MARK

WHAT WE ALL HOPE
IS JUST THE BEGINNING

OF A LONG AND
PROFITABLE RELATIONSHIP.

THANK YOU, MR. OWENS, BUT I
REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

WELL, WITH TWO HOURS OF
RADIO TIME FIVE DAYS A WEEK,

LET'S HOPE YOU
THINK OF SOMETHING.

THIS IS WRONG. THIS IS MY SLOT.

YOU'D THINK SOMEBODY WOULD AT
LEAST HAVE HAD THE DECENCY TO TELL ME.

WOULD YOU PLEASE
GET OFF MY CASE?

IT IS MR. CARLSON'S IDEA.

OKAY. MR. ANDERSON
SHOULD BE HERE IN A MOMENT,

AND I GUESS WE'RE ALL SET TO GO.

- CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?
- OH, NOTHING FOR ME, LOVE.

- OKAY.
- OH, I TELL A LIE. DO YOU HAVE ANY FOOD?

UM... I'M AFRAID
IT'S JUST A MACHINE,

AND IT'S ONLY JUNK FOOD.

- OH, SMASHING. THAT'S PERFECT.
- OH, GREAT.

- YOU KNOW BAILEY QUARTERS HERE?
- SURE.

AND THIS IS VENUS FLYTRAP,
ONE OF OUR DEEJAYS.

BOY, THIS IS A REAL PLEASURE. YOU
SURE GOT A ROTTEN DEAL IN THIS TOWN.

YOU KNOW, I USED TO PLAY
DOUBLE-A BALL DOWN IN TEXAS.

- OH, IT WAS BACK IN 19...
- THAT'S TERRIFIC.

MR. ANDERSON, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO MEET
DEREK DOUGAL OF THE CINCINNATI SKIDS.

DEREK, THIS IS
MR. SPARKY ANDERSON.

- OH, YEAH. THE BASEBALL PLAYER.
- MANAGER.

RIGHT. DO YOU HAVE ANY FOOD?

SPARKY, SLIDE IN HERE, AND I'M GONNA
SHOW YOU HOW TO DRIVE THIS THING.

I KNOW YOU'RE REAL BUSY HERE,
SPARKY, BUT... I GOT TO ASK YOU ONE THING.

IN THE '75 SERIES, I
THINK IT WAS GAME SIX,

THE 10th INNING, WHEN
FISK CAME UP TO BAT,

DID YOU INTENTIONALLY
THINK OF WALKING HIM?

I FORGET, ANDY. HOW
DO I WORK THESE PHONES.

PAY ATTENTION TO THE LIGHT...

MR. ANDERSON...

- OH, HERE'S YOUR FOOD.
- THANK YOU, LOVE.

MR. ANDERSON, I HAVE A SHORT
BIOGRAPHY HERE OF MR. DOUGAL

AND SOME POSSIBLE QUESTIONS

AND SOME OUT-OF-TOWN
UPDATE SCORES

IN CASE YOU WANT TO THROW
THEM IN DURING THE SHOW.

- JUST THROW 'EM IN?
- YEAH, JUST THROW 'EM
ON IN THERE, SPARKY.

YOU KNOW, FOR THREE YEARS I
WAS DOWN IN TEXAS, YOU KNOW?

BOY, I WORKED LIKE A DOG.
NEVER DID GET A BREAK.

NEVER GOT AN OFFER FROM THE BIG
LEAGUES. HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT?

I GUESS YOU STUNK, MATE.

NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY.

- WELL, GOOD LUCK, SPARKY.
- THANKS, FLY.

- OKAY, NOW, SPARKY...
- ANDY...

- WHAT?
- I MADE THIS INTRO
FOR THE SHOW.

I KNOW YOU'VE ALL BEEN SO BUSY. I
THOUGHT THIS MIGHT BE OF SOME HELP.

I'M SURE THE SHOW
WILL BE A HUGE SUCCESS.

WELL, UH, THANK YOU, LESTER.

- YOU THINK HE MEANS THAT?
- Both: NO.

RIGHT. ALL RIGHT,
SPARKY, IT'S TIME.

JUST RELAX. HAVE FUN, OKAY?

- NO PROBLEM.
- GOOD LUCK.

THANK YOU, LOVE.

OKAY. HERE WE GO.

(reggae music plays)

YES, BROTHER MARLEY, AND
WE ARE THE SURF RIDERS,

AND THIS IS VENUS
ON THE RISE HERE,

AND I'M GOING INTO A HOLDING
PATTERN FOR ABOUT TWO HOURS,

BUT I WANT YOU TO STICK AROUND
FOR SOMETHING BRAND NEW.

(upbeat music plays)

Les: LES NESSMAN PRESENTS,

IN COOPERATION WITH WKRP SPORTS,

USUALLY DONE BY LES NESSMAN,

SPARKY'S BULLPEN,
WITH SPARKY ANDERSON.

HI, EVERYBODY. THIS
IS SPARKY ANDERSON...

INSTEAD OF LES NESSMAN.

HI, EVERYBODY. THIS
IS SPARKY ANDERSON,

AND WELCOME TO THE BULLPEN,
BROUGHT TO YOU BY SUN LUCK'S PETROLEUM,

MAKERS OF GASOLINE, HEATING OIL,

AND A CRUDE BUT
VERY HEARTY WINE.

OUR FIRST GUEST FOR
TONIGHT'S SHOW IS DEREK DOUGAL,

CAPTAIN OF THE CINCINNATI
SKIDS INDOOR SOCCER TEAM.

WELCOME TO THE BULLPEN, DEREK.

- HELLO.
- HI.

DEREK, THIS INDOOR
SOCCER IS A NEW SPORT.

- COULD YOU TELL US
SOMETHING ABOUT IT?
- OH, YEAH. IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

IT'S SOCCER PLAYED
INDOORS, LIKE IN A HOCKEY RINK.

SORT OF SOCCER-HOCKEY.

BOY, THAT'S AN INTERESTING
COMBINATION. WHAT ARE THE RULES?

I DON'T KNOW, REALLY.

I DON'T CARE.

I SEE. HOW DOES YOUR TEAM LOOK?

- UH, MOSTLY VENEZUELAN.
- GREAT.

GREAT.

IF YOU FOLKS OUT THERE HAVE GOT
ANY CALLS, PLEASE GET THEM IN RIGHT NOW

TO 555-WKRP.

DEREK, I SEE HERE YOU'RE
FROM LONDON, ENGLAND.

YOU'RE A LONG WAY FROM HOME.
DO YOU EVER GET HOMESICK?

I DO.

I MOSTLY MISS ME MUM

AND HER FRIED SHEEP'S BRAINS

SPREAD ON GREASY
BITS OF FRIED BREAD.

IT'S LOVELY. YOU EVER HAVE IT?

WHAT?

I SAID, YOU EVER HAVE IT?

OKAY, DEREK, LET'S GET
OVER HERE TO THE PHONES.

- ALL RIGHT.
- HI, YOU'RE IN THE BULLPEN.

- Man: HELLO, SPARKY?
- YEAH.

- HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD.

- THAT'S GOOD.
- YEAH.

- MM-HMM.
- HOW ARE YOU?

- GOOD.
- THAT'S GOOD.

WELL, THANKS A LOT. BYE.

WELL, THAT'S NUMBER ONE, DEREK.
LET'S GET BACK TO THE PHONES.

- HI, YOU'RE IN THE BULLPEN.
- Man: OH, LIKE, HI, MAN.

I'M CALLING ABOUT
THE FREE TICKETS

FOR THE JERRY VALE-GARY
"U.S." BONDS CONCERT, MAN.

I THINK YOU GOT
THE WRONG NUMBER.

- OH, LIKE, IS THIS WKRP?
- SURE IS.

THEN I DON'T HAVE THE
WRONG NUMBER, PAL.

WELL, MAYBE I GOT
THE WRONG NUMBER.

(guffawing)

I SEE HERE YOU'RE 28 YEARS OLD.

YES. I AM. I'LL BE 29 NEXT YEAR.

OH, WE GOT ANOTHER CALL.

OH, BEAUTIFUL.

Man: HELLO, POLICE?

NEVER MIND.

WELL, ALL THE LINES ARE OPEN.

IF YOU'VE GOT ANY
CALLS OR ANY QUESTIONS,

JUST RUSH 'EM IN RIGHT AWAY.

WE'VE ONLY GOT...

AND HOUR AND 45 MINUTES TO GO.

THAT NUMBER AGAIN IS 555-WKRP.

WHAT'S YOUR TELEPHONE
NUMBER, DEREK?

I DON'T THINK I HAVE ONE.

YOU KNOW, WE GOT A NEW PHONE
IN THE ANDERSON HOUSEHOLD.

DOESN'T HAVE ALL THESE BUTTONS

AND NOT ALL THESE PRETTY LIGHTS,

BUT IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING.

YOU LIVE AROUND HERE?

NO.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?

UH-UH-UH-UH-UH!

NOT YOUR OFFICE ANYMORE.

YEAH, I KNOW, BUT I THOUGHT
I'D GET SOMETHING OUT OF HERE.

SPARKY'S BUSY WITH ANDY. THEY'RE
GOING OVER A NEW FORMAT FOR THE SHOW.

- YOU THINK THIS ONE WILL WORK?
- PROBABLY NOT.

HI, BIG GUY. GOT A MINUTE? GOOD.

LOOK, I HAVE BEEN TRYING
TO FIGURE OUT ALL WEEK LONG

WHAT IS WRONG
WITH SPARKY'S SHOW.

- YEAH, ME TOO.
- YEAH, WELL, I WAS
HAVING A BBQ

WITH MY NEIGHBOR,
BIG DICK MARSHAM,

AND I THINK HE CAME
UP WITH AN IDEA THAT IS,

BELIEVE ME, BULLETPROOF.

- TRIVIA SHOW.
- TRIVIA?

YEAH. WHO WAS THE SHORTSTOP
FOR THE '58 MILWAUKEE BRAVES?

JOHNNY LOGAN.

PRETTY GOOD FOR A CHICK.
HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT, GORGEOUS?

SIMPLE: I STUDY TRIVIA.

THAT'S WHY I KNOW EVERYTHING
THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT YOU, HERB.

THANK YOU.

LOOK, IS SPARKY
IN HIS OFFICE HERE?

- BUSY WITH ANDY.
- RIGHT.

HEY, SPARKY, I KNOW YOU'RE BUSY,
BUT, UH, THINK ONE WORD: TRIVIA.

- Andy: GOODBYE, HERB.
- RIGHT. LOOK, UH,

ONE QUESTION, THOUGH,
SPARKY: WHY THE WHITE HAIR?

- JUST KIDDING.
- Andy: GET OUT!

ABSOLUTELY. REALLY, YOU
GUYS ARE DOING A GREAT J...

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

KUDOS TO YOU.

STROKE OF GENIUS. THAT SPARKY
IS AN ASSET AROUND HERE, BIG GUY.

IT'S NOT WORKING, HERB.
I'VE MADE A MISTAKE.

MY THINKING EXACTLY.

OOH! WHAT A DAY.

I LOVE OXYGEN.

- SAY, DO ANY OF YOU
REMEMBER DREAMS?
- Herb: I DO.

YEAH, YEAH, I KEEP
HAVING THIS SAME ONE

OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

YOU SEE, I'M A LITTLE KID,

AND I WALK INTO MY PARENTS'
BEDROOM, AND MY DAD SAYS, "GET OUT,"

AND THEN THIS MONSTER
GRABS HIM AND TAKES HIM AWAY,

AND THEN I CRAWL INTO BED
AND LIE NEXT TO MY MOTHER.

STUPID, ISN'T IT?

YES, AND KIND OF EMBARRASSING.

AND YET INTERESTING.

I DREAM EVERY NIGHT,
AND THEN I WRITE

THESE DREAMS
DOWN IN MY JOURNALS.

LAST NIGHT, I HAD A REALLY WEIRD
DREAM ABOUT A NEW SHOW FOR SPARKY.

WELL, LET'S HEAR IT.

WELL, WE WERE ALL RIGHT
HERE JUST AS WE ARE NOW

DISCUSSING THIS NEW
SHOW WITH SPARKY,

EXCEPT YOU DIDN'T LOOK
LIKE YOURSELF, MR. CARLSON.

YOU LOOKED MUCH
MORE LIKE A LARGE...

- MUFFIN.
- (snickering)

- "MUFFIN"?
- YES.

A NICE BREAKFAST MUFFIN.

AND YOU SAID YOU HAD AN
EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT.

WELL?

WELL, YOU SANG IT.

♪ I'M A BIG, FAT MUFFIN
THAT LOVES TO EAT ♪

♪ I'M A BIG, FAT MUFFIN
THAT HAS NO FEET ♪

♪ BUT MOST OF ALL, I'M A BIG, FAT
MUFFIN THAT LOVES TO EXPLODE ♪

AND THEN YOU DID.

(phone ringing)

GOOD AFTERNOON. WKRP.

- IT'S YOUR MOTHER.
- (gasps) I'M NOT HERE.

- YES, YOU ARE.
- OH, JENNIFER!

HELLO, MOM?

UH-HUH. UH-HUH.

NO, AS FAR AS I KNOW, CAL
OWENS IS STILL 100% BEHIND IT.

UH-HUH.

NO, I THINK THE SHOW IS
GETTING BETTER EVERY DAY.

- BESIDES...
- HI, ART.

- HI, SPARKY.
- I THINK I'VE GOT SOMETHING.

OH, YOU DO?

YOU JUST HUNG UP ON YOUR MOTHER.

OH, BOY.

I THINK THE REASON THAT WE'VE
ONLY HAD FIVE CALLS THIS WEEK...

I THINK THE PEOPLE IN
THIS TOWN DON'T KNOW ME.

AND I THINK IF I'D REMINISCE,
TALK ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD,

AND OPEN UP TO THE PEOPLE,
I THINK WE'D HAVE A WINNER.

- RIGHT, ANDY?
- UH... UH-HUH.

I'VE GOT TO GET TO MY
OFFICE AND GET TO WORK

AND PUT DOWN SOME OF
THOSE CHILDHOOD MEMORIES.

IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

I'VE BEEN THINKING, ANDY,
AND I THINK THAT WE...

YOU MEAN "YOU."

YEAH. UH, I-I POSSIBLY
COULD'VE MADE A...

- MISTAKE.
- RIGHT.

AND THAT MEANS THAT
ONE OF US IS GONNA HAVE...

YOU MEAN "YOU."

YEAH, ABSOLUTELY. I'M GONNA HAVE TO
GO IN THERE, AND I'M GONNA HAVE TO...

FIRE HIM.

D-DON'T SAY THAT WORD.

YEAH, BUT THAT'S, UH... THAT'S
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO.

(knock at door)

SP... (clears throat)
SPARKY, MAY I COME IN?

SURE, HAVE A SEAT.

I, UH, JUST WANTED, UH...

TO KNOW IF EVERYTHING'S OKAY.

EVERYBODY AROUND HERE HAS
BEEN BUSTING THEIR BUTTS FOR ME.

IT'S NICE TO BE APPRECIATED.

YEAH. I'LL BET YOU
LOVE BASEBALL, HUH?

- IT'S MY LIFE.
- YEAH.

UH, RADIO GETS KIND OF BORING.

YOU PROBABLY THINK
IT'S A WASTE OF TIME.

IS THERE SOMETHING YOU
WANT TO TALK TO ME ABOUT?

YEAH, AS A MATTER
OF FACT, THERE IS.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE A
PLAYER ON A TEAM, SPARKY,

AND EVERYTHING
STARTS TO GO WRONG,

SOMETIMES YOU'RE TEMPTED TO...

(whistles) BOY, HOW
DO YOU SAY IT? QUIT.

"QUIT"? I DON'T EVEN KNOW
THE MEANING OF THAT WORD.

WELL, I KNOW THAT.

YOU SEE, THAT'S
MY POINT. I THINK.

YOU'RE DRIFTING ON ME, ARTHUR.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

WELL, WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY,
SPARKY, IS... HOW'S IT GOING?

- GREAT.
- NO, IT'S NOT.

I MEAN, YOU'RE GREAT,
BUT YOUR SHOW'S NOT,

AND I'M AFRAID I'M
GONNA HAVE TO...

- SAY IT.
- F-F-FIRE YOU.

NOW, THAT'S A WORD I UNDERSTAND.

I FEEL BAD ABOUT THAT, SPARKY,

BECAUSE IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

ART, THERE'S SOMETHING I
WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA
HURT ME, ARE YOU?

NO. NO, I'M GONNA THANK YOU.

FIRING IS AN OLD
BUSINESS OF MINE.

HELL, I'VE HAD TO
FIRE A LOT OF PEOPLE,

MOST OF 'EM 18-YEAR-OLD KIDS.

WHEN YOU TELL
THEM THEY CAN'T DO IT,

THEY THINK YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT LIFE,

WHEN REALLY ALL YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT IS SECOND BASE.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU RUN A TEAM,

YOU HAVE TO MAKE DECISIONS.

YOU HAD TO MAKE A DECISION
TODAY: YOU HAD TO FIRE ME.

AND YOU KNOW
SOMETHING? YOU WERE RIGHT.

OH, THANKS, SPARKY.

YOU'RE WELCOME. IT'S BEEN FUN.

BUT REALLY CONCERNS
ME, THOUGH, SPARKY,

IS, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

THAT'S FUNNY. LES CALLED
THE NETWORK BRASS,

AND THEY THOUGHT I'D BE
PERFECT FOR TELEVISION.

OH, THEY'D KNOW.

THAT'S WHY THEY'RE UP
THERE AND I'M DOWN HERE.

I GOT MY TEAM, AND
YOU'VE GOT YOUR TEAM.

HEY, I GUESS THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT, ARTHUR, BUT I
REALLY WANT TO THANK YOU.

OH, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO THANK ME, SPARKY.

I'M SITTING HERE THANKING THE
MAN THAT CANNED ME. I MUST BE NUTS.

EVERY TIME I COME IN
TO THIS TOWN, I GET FIRED.

SPARKY, I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I'M SORRY THIS DIDN'T WORK OUT.

IF EVER THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN EVER
DO FOR YOU, YOU JUST LET ME KNOW.

- YOU MEAN THAT, SPARKS?
- I SURE DO.

- CAN I HAVE YOUR
CHAMPIONSHIP RING?
- NO.

YOU DOG.

Man: WKRP IN CINCINNATI

WILL BE BACK AFTER THIS.

(foot tapping floor)

LES?

LES, WILL YOU SPEAK TO ME?

- IS IT IMPORTANT?
- WELL, I THINK IT IS.

COME IN, THEN.

I JUST WANTED TO COME OVER
AND TELL YOU THAT I'M SORRY.

I WENT WITH A FREE AGENT, AND
WE HAD THE TALENT RIGHT HERE.

- I'M LISTENING.
- LOOK, I STILL THINK THIS...

THIS SYNDICATED SPORTS
SHOW IS A GREAT IDEA.

IT'S JUST A QUESTION
OF THE RIGHT MAN.

YOU HAD THE RIGHT MAN.

IT WAS THE IDEA THAT WAS A DOG.

SPARKY AND NESSMAN ARE PALS.

THAT'S RIGHT, HERB. SPARKY
AND I ARE VERY CLOSE.

YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS
'CAUSE YOU DIDN'T GET A BALL.

- A BALL?
- AUTOGRAPHED.

- AUTOGRAPHED?
- MM-HMM.

"TO MY PAL, LES NESSMAN."

"SPARKY ANDERSON."

LES, I DON'T
SUPPOSE THAT YOU'D...

- IT'S A MATCHED SET.
- HMM?

GOES WITH THE RING.

(rock music plays)

(man singing, indistinct)

(meows)