Vicious (2013–2016): Season 2, Episode 1 - Sister - full transcript

What's wrong with the world?
I've just counted ten fat people.

No. Eleven.

Can YOU carry one of these bags?
No. I told you, my arm hurts.

Pushing you away from me every night
for 50 years

has taken its toll on my body.

So has gravity.

Besides, you're so much cleverer at
carrying things than I am.

I shall probably muck it all up.

Why am I always better at the things
that you don't want to do?

I'm not your servant, Freddie.

Stuart, I would never think of you
as my servant. Good.



I think of you as my housekeeper.

It's a more important contribution.

What exactly is it that
YOU contribute?

You haven't had an acting job
in months.

That's because I'm at an awkward age.

You have been at an awkward age
for three decades.

If I can just stick it out a bit
longer, I'll segue into a whole new
range of roles.

Corpses?

So, what is it you need to talk
to us about, Vi?

Yes, Vi, we're all yours.
You take all the time you need.

Thank you, darling.
Did you tell her we have
an appointment in 20 minutes?

Good.

We don't really have an appointment,
do we?

Good.



It concerns my husband Jasper.

Oh, that's right.
I keep forgetting you're married.

Well, apparently so does he.

You see, I haven't seen Jasper since
we returned from our honeymoon.

It seems he's disappeared.

Oh, poor Violet.

If there's anything you need...
Oh thank you, Stuart.

No, don't touch the cheese.

It's just for show.

Awfully sorry.

But I don't understand. Why didn't
you say anything BEFORE this?

I suppose I was ashamed.

Perhaps I can say something to make
you feel better.

Would you like that?
Very much, darling.

You have nothing to be ashamed
about,

so you hold your head up high.

Even though people are going to see
you as pathetic and rejected,

cast off, abandoned, unlovable.

I've changed my mind, I'd rather you
didn't make me feel better.

Of course. When you're ready,
you just let me know.

Hello, Ash!
Hi!

Can I tell Ash?
I think maybe I'D like to.

Violet's husband has left her.

I'm sorry, Violet.

He didn't leave me, he just seems to
have stepped out for a few weeks.

I'm sure he'll turn up soon and
then we'll all laugh about it.

You hold on to that thought, dear.

Now I feel bad about coming round to
talk about my new girlfriend.

You should do!

Of course not, Ash,
I'm very happy for you.

Thanks, Violet. I only hope
she's able to... satisfy you,

because if she's not able to satisfy
you... She is! She totally is.

Good.

How, exactly?

Stuart? Drinks.
I see lots of empty glasses.

Stop treating me like a servant,
Freddie.

I told you, I don't like it!

You'll notice he still gets
the drinks.

Oh, I have a fun idea.

Why don't we all take you out to
dinner, to cheer you up, Violet?

Oh, I've been dying to try
that new sushi restaurant.

Yes and why not eat monkeys' brains
too, while we're at it?

Oh, don't be so ignorant, Freddie.

I'm sure it's not all... bizarre,
uncooked, stinky God-knows-what.

Are you coming, Ash? Sorry,
I've got plans with my girlfriend.

Please stop talking about your
girlfriend!

Can't you see this woman is all
alone, terrified and forgotten?

She's got nobody!

Can you believe how insensitive
he's being?

Who's paying for this, anyway?
We all are, Mason.

It's to make Violet feel better

because her husband has been
so awful to her.

Then shouldn't HE be paying?

Where's Violet?
We've been waiting ages.

Yes, and I can't stay much longer.
Why? Where do you have to go?

I do have a life outside of all of
you. No, you don't.

Please tell Violet
I'm sorry I missed her.

You can't go!

The only reason we invited you

is so that we'd have another person
to split the bill with.

Yes, I realise that now,
and it's so expensive too.

Bugger!

Everybody order one thing.
No drinks.

I'm sorry I'm late, everyone.

Oh, my goodness, Violet! Imagine
seeing you here in Japan.

We're not in Japan!

You didn't miss anything, Vi,
only Mason being an arsehole.

Let me just get settled.

I'm in a frightful state.
We see that.

Does it have anything to do with
your husband?

In a way.

I just got an email from my sister.

She's coming to visit.

You've never mentioned a sister.

Well, Lillian and I haven't seen
each other in years.

She married a wealthy man
and moved away,

and since then she's always looked
down on me.

I've no idea why.

Perhaps because your life never
amounted to much?

I have something to tell you, but
I don't want you to think me uncouth.

You just pulled a bottle of vodka
out of your bag!

It's a little late for that,
don't you think?

I lied to Lillian.

When I got married, I told her Jasper
was very successful

and we lived in a grand flat
with a staff of servants.

Now when she arrives tomorrow,
she's going to learn the truth,

that he left me and I've got...
nothing.

What if I had an idea that could
solve everything?

That's impossible.

The only way you could solve this is
with some elaborate deception

where one of us pretends to be Vi's
husband

and the rest of us pose as
the household staff.

And of course we'd have to do it
in our flat. Hers is a hellhole.

THAT was my idea.

Well, that could work.

I had a great time tonight,
and even though it hasn't been long,

I feel like I know you really well,
Jessica.

My name's not Jessica. It's Jess.

Oh, I thought it was short for
Jessica. It's not.

Well, aside from not knowing your
name,

I feel like we've got really close.

I do, too.

Hey, do you wanna get
some ice cream?

Sure.

I was thinking,
do you want to move in with me?

I haven't even met your family yet.
You will soon, I promise.

Then you'll definitely want to move
in with me!

We'll see. I still don't know
that much about you, Ash.

Well, I already know all I need
to know about you, Jessica. Jess.

Shit!

I can't thank you enough for doing
this for me, Stuart.

Not Stuart! Jasper!

Your loving and successful husband!

Right.

Oh, I hope this works.

Look, it's only one lunch.

Then Lillian has to catch her train.

Oh, she should be here any moment.
Where's Freddie?

Why do I have to be the butler?

It's much more believable
if I'm the husband.

Well you're the one who pinched the
costume,

from when you were on Downton Abbey.

They gave it to me.

Besides, you're never going to pass
as straight.

You're making that rug gay
just by standing on it!

Oh, I can pass as straight.

After all, I have had sex with
a woman.

Yes, over 50 years ago.

Well, I imagine it still all works
the same, doesn't it?

More or less.

It's changed a bit over the years.

I can't even tell you the things
we're expected to do now.

I only do them to be polite.

I guarantee that I will be able
to pass as straight, Freddie!

Perhaps if you don't move
or open your mouth.

Anyone can see that you should be
the servant.

Now what is that supposed to mean?

Nothing, just that you look and
behave like a servant, that's all.

Well, you're an actor.
Think of it as a role.

Yes, of course. I am an actor.

This could be the greatest
performance of my career.

All right, take it down a notch,
Sir Laurence Olivi-gay.

Oh, that's Lillian.

Oh, good luck, everyone.

Well, you're the butler.
Go and answer it!

Oh, yes!

Wait. What's my name?
Freddie!

Freddie.

Got it.

Hello, Vi!

Tut tut tut tut tut.

No speaking until you've been
announced.

Name, please?
Lillian Haverfield-Wickham.

No, I didn't get that. Speak up.

Lillian Haverfield-Wickham.
Yes.

May I present the Lady...
Are you a Lady?

No.

Well, may I present the perfectly
ordinary person, then,

Lillian Hooverdamp-Woosenfield?

All right, go and say hello.
We're finished.

Violet, dearest!
Lillian, darling.

It's been so long.
Let me look at you.

OK, I'm finished.

And you must be Jasper.

I'm very glad to meet you.

Ow! Violet didn't tell me
how handsome you were.

Oh, my goodness, thank you!

I mean, thank you.

Violet speaks so highly of you,
usually after we've had sex.

How odd.
Oh, you must forgive Jasper,

he has an insatiable sexual
appetite.

Yes, I can't get enough of this one!

Mwah! Mwaaah! Mwah!

Shall I find you something
to vomit in, madam?

I'm all right for the time being,
thank you.

All right, don't just stand there,
take the lady's coat!

All right, calm down.

May I?

I love your flat.
Oh, thank you.

- Why are YOU thanking me?
- It's not your flat.

I beg your pardon,
but the master is so kind

that I often think of this home
as my own.

You see, I never came from much.

Mother died when I was six...

..and then they sent me off to the
workhouse

and this is the only family
I've ever known.

What a touching story.

They do get attached.

All right, pull yourself together
or it's back to the workhouse.

Why don't we have some tea?

I'm about to introduce you to the
most important people in my life,
Jess.

I'm so excited.
Oh, I hope they like me.

I know they will. You'll never meet
more authentic people than these.

Master Ar-sh to see you.

Ash, darling, come to Mummy!

We weren't expecting you home
this early, son, were we, dearest?

Yum yum yum!

No, we weren't.

O...K.

Aren't you going to introduce me
to everybody, Ash?

Maybe they should introduce
themselves first!

I'm Ash's father, Jasper, dear,

and this ravishing creature
is my wife Violet.

And I'm Ash's stepmother, darling,
but we've become incredibly close.

Now, give Mummy a kiss.

Ash is from my first marriage.

I've had sex with a lot of women.

I'm Freddie the butler.

You see, I never came from much.

Mother died when I was six...
Nobody wants to hear all that again.

Go and fill some glasses.

Oh, yes, I believe you mentioned
Jasper had a son.

I never knew you could be
so maternal.

I'm very maternal.

Sometimes when Ash has a nightmare,
he even climbs into bed with us.

No, I don't.

Oh, that's so sweet. And unusual.

Didn't you also tell me he was
a champion gymnast, Violet?

I did.

Why would you say that, Mum?

Oh, do something for us.
A back flip perhaps?

I'd rather not.

I didn't know you were a gymnast.

Oh, yes, he's very limber!

Oh, do, please!

Yes, come on, son, you're
embarrassing us in front of company.

No, really, I...
Oh, just do it, for Christ's sake!

I did it!

- I did it!
- Yeah!

My, what a very high-pitched squeal
that was.

Is it all right if I hoover in here?

It's not a good time, Penelope.

Well, I leave at five, so if you
want it done, it'll have to be soon.

Oh, could I have a glass of water,
please?

No. Who do you think I am?

Freddie! Drinks!

And I see lots of empty glasses.

Sometimes I'm not quite sure what
he does, other than cash my cheques.

Might I have a word with you
in the kitchen, sir?

If you will excuse us.

He probably wants to tell me another
one of his sob stories,

so he can squeeze a few more pounds
out of me. Ha ha!

You're treating me horribly!

What are you talking about?
I'm only doing it for Violet.

Well, it seems like you're enjoying
bossing me around entirely too much.

Oh, is this your way
to get even with me?

Of course not.

It's only because you are so
believable as the butler,

the character you've created
is so vivid and alive.

Yes, yes, well, that's because
I came up with a back story for him.

You see... Yeah, I know, we've heard
it several times.

Just try to be a little kinder.

Freddie is more fragile than he lets
on. Ahh! All right.

Oh, I hate this job.

I feel like I've been talking about
myself and my wonderful life

all this time.

Tell me, Lillian, how is your
husband?

He's still dead, but we're getting
along better.

I can't believe you're sisters.
You both seem so different.

Oh...

And haven't you got the most
beautiful hair

I've ever seen in my entire life?

Mmm...

They don't seem that different to me.

So, Ash, what brings you both here?

Well, I wanted to introduce you to
Jess

and tell you that I, er...

Never mind.
Tell us what, darling?

Maybe now is not the best time.
Ash asked me to move in with him.

I said I had to think about it.
Already?

Yeah. Why?

Don't you think it's a bit quick,
son?

Yes, you must think long and hard
about this, Ash.

You know, we only want what's best
for you,

but I'd hate to see you rushing into
something when you're not ready.

This is a serious step.

I know. I really want you to support
me in this, Freddie.

Yes, and I would like to,
but I just can't.

Can I ask why the butler's opinion
is so important?

Well, it's just that he practically
raised Ash.

You do know that Freddie's mother
died when he was only six?

Then the poor thing was basically
sold into child slavery.

Obviously that's going to have an
effect on his behaviour at times.

Thank you.

Yes, dear, but Freddie sometimes
oversteps his bounds.

He is an employee and needs to know
his place.

So let's go, you! Drinks!

All right, I've had enough!

How dare you speak to me like that,
you little shit!

That's it! You're fired!

Fired? I've been with this family
for 30 years!

I can't do his work and mine!

And who are you?
I have no idea.

Shouldn't you be catching your train,
Lillian?

Didn't I tell you?
I'm not catching the train.

I've decided to stay with you
for a while.

Who do I speak to about my redundancy
package?

I think it's time we had a little
talk, Lillian.

Yes, I agree. It's been too long.

I hadn't even realised your husband
had died.

Two.
Starting to make me self-conscious.

Look, there's something I have to
tell you, Lillian.

Before you do, there's something
I have to tell you, too.

I don't have any money, Violet.
I'm broke.

Both my husbands left me with nothing

and all four of my children are drug
addicts,

but that's a whole other story.

I've lied to you all these years to
make myself seem something I wasn't.

Now, what did you want to tell me?

That I've never liked you.

Now I think you should leave.

I don't feel comfortable
having a liar in my home.

Fine! I'll go!

It's been absolutely splendid meeting
you all, but I must be heading home.

Oh, and just so you know,
your husband's gay.

I told you!

Ash, I'm confused.
Is that man your father?

Well, not really.

We've all just been pretending,
darling,

in order to make my sister think
that I'm wealthy.

This is Freddie and Stuart's flat,

and we're all their friends.

Oh, my God. That's... amazing.

I think I want to move in HERE!

Welcome to our little family,
Jessica.

Oh. It's actually just Jess.

No. It's Jessica.

I was only kidding before. Duhh!

You people are all fucking insane.

May I have some more tea, please?

Certainly.

And I shouldn't have to ask.

I should never be looking at
an empty cup.

Well, here we are again,
you treating me like rubbish...

and me waiting upon you.

But it feels right, somehow.

It does.

Morning.